Chapter Three: "Don't Come Around Here No Mozzarella" Burger:
For most of Tina Belcher's life she was awkward and unlucky in love - and everything else. Tina fell in love with almost every boy she laid eyes on. Most of those only lasted for a few days, but Jimmy Pesto Jr. was different. Tina had always circled back to Jimmy Jr.
He may have treated her poorly, but he was just as guilty of circling back to her, too. They were always in a mixed up, confused state of "to be continued." And Tina was willing to wait as long as it took for the series finale to air.
By the time Gene had started high school, both of Tina's siblings began to detest Jimmy Jr. The oldest Pesto kid was never a knight in shining armor, but he killed chivalry completely dead with the "Angela Incident."
"Ya know, there is such a thing as making yourself too available," Linda lectured Tina at dinner one night during the beginning of Tina's senior year.
"I'm not making myself too available, Mom," Tina argued moving food around on her plate. Gene opened his mouth to give his two cents, but Bob shot a glance at him glance that warned him to stay quiet.
"No, you're just Jimmy Jr. 's doormat," Louise said.
"Shut up, Louise," Tina dropped her fork onto her plate.
"Maybe when you stop crying at night and I can get some damn sleep, I'll shut up then. The walls are pretty thin, T," Louise said.
"You're a real jerk, you know that!?" Tina shouted at her little sister as she ran out of the kitchen.
"Do something about this, Bob," Linda gestured to Louise, before she ran after her oldest child.
"You shouldn't talk to your sister like that," Bob started.
"Someone should be telling her the truth, Dad. Jimmy Jr.'s an asshole. He's been treating her like shit since middle school. She deserves better. It's not my fault she's too stupid to listen."
"Your sister's not stupid," Bob said.
"So, is she gonna eat that or not?" Gene asked, pointing to Tina's abandoned plate.
"Why are you and Mom not doing anything to help, then? Am I the only one who cares?" Louise asked.
"I care, too," Gene said, although his discomfort was plastered all over his face.
"Your Mom and I care, Louise, but there are some things that you guys will need to figure out for yourselves."
"Like the Bermuda Triangle or which applesauce is the good kind," Gene said.
"Gene, please," Bob squeezed the bridge of his nose with his fingers. "I'm going to check on your sister. You two are doing dishes." Bob's voice didn't carry much authority, but Gene and Louise complied.
Bob walked into Tina's room as his daughter relayed the latest tale of disappointment, "Jimmy Jr, dumped me so he could go out with Angela," Tina mumbled into her pillow.
"Angela, your little friend from the Hormon-iums, Angela?" Linda asked, sitting on the edge of the bed. She patted Tina's hair.
"He said she has a good singing voice. A voice he could dance to," Tina muttered into her pillow as the sobs began again. "I hope Jimmy Jr. gets mono."
"Tina, you can do better than Jimmy Jr.," Bob told her, trying for a supportive tone, but coming up short. "Also, that's not how mono works."
"My Teeny Tina," Linda cooed, still sitting on the edge of the bed, as Tina worked her way through a fresh tirade of sobs. Bob sat down next to Linda, put his hands together, and stared at the floor. He wasn't sure how to handle this situation, but right now this was the only way he knew how to be there for his daughter.
By the beginning of October, Jimmy Jr. and Angela had broken up and he and Tina were talking again. Whether it was because Jimmy Jr. missed Tina or because he needed to make peace for Zeke's sake, Tina wasn't sure. She wasn't sure she cared, either. If it meant Jimmy Jr. was back in her life again, that was good enough for her.
Bob's Burgers had begun to gain some traction through word of mouth. No thanks to Bob Belcher's inconsistent and poor attempts at advertising. Bob's Burgers began to do well enough that Bob and Linda decided hiring help was quickly proving necessary. Especially with Tina going off to college in the spring, Gene becoming more involved with his music, and Louise serving stint after stint in after-school detention.
Bob posted a "Help Wanted" sign in the window. He had the kids post flyers at Wonder Wharf and begged them to mention the opening to their classmates. A few days later, Zeke wandered into the restaurant and asked about the job. He was looking for something to earn money. With his current grades he didn't see himself getting into college the following year. He wasn't sure he even wanted to go. With the history Bob and Zeke had in the Wagstaff Home-Ec class, Bob was already familiar with the young man sitting in front of him. Bob hired Zeke on the spot and said it was because of his talent. Bob knew it also may have had to do with him being more desperate for an employee than he wanted to admit.
Tina hadn't exactly warmed up to Zeke, but she'd begun to see him as less of a threat to her spending time with Jimmy Jr. Occasionally Tina and Zeke could be seen walking to classes in the same direction. On even more rare occasions Tina and Zeke could be found talking to each other at a party. Parties usually hosted by Tammy and usually when Tina and Jimmy Jr. were on good terms.
When Tina found out her dad had hired Zeke while things with her and Jimmy were more cold than hot, she was less than thrilled. Tina decided she would use it to her advantage. She would talk to Zeke and keep tabs on Jimmy Jr. In Tina's mind, it was far better than some of the things Jimmy Jr. had done to her.
Tina didn't calculate the logistics of how strained Jimmy Jr. and Zeke's relationship had become. Tina assumed it was due to Zeke taking the job at her family's restaurant or Zeke spending most of his senior year dedicated to the varsity wrestling team, rather than time spent with his friends. The Pestos were a petty breed, after all.
All the keeping tabs Tina did, paid off. She and Jimmy Jr. were together again, going on hayrides together and going to parties. But the more time Tina was spending with Jimmy Jr., the more time Zeke spent trying to get closer to Tina. Working the same shifts she was working. Requesting the same hours off that she had off. The trench between Jimmy Jr. and Zeke only seemed to be growing deeper and Zeke's interest in Tina only seemed to grow stronger.
The pattern was too consistent to not raise suspicions. The only one who seemed remotely oblivious was the blissful, Jimmy Pesto Jr. obsessed Tina.
Jimmy Jr., true to character, broke up with Tina again right after the Belcher Thanksgiving dinner.
Bob had cooked up a beautiful spread while his family made themselves scarce.
Linda and the kids had adopted the unspoken rule of no one in the kitchen while Bob made holiday dinners. After so many years of burnt turkeys, toilet turkeys, and that one horrible Thanksgiving at Fischoder's, Bob had become impossible to deal with before the food was on the table.
Linda had taken the car to pick up Gayle, who undoubtedly would need several hours to get ready by mentally preparing to part herself from Mr. Business II.
The kids were "deep cleaning the restaurant" when Zeke came in to join them. Linda had invited Zeke over when he mentioned Thanksgiving in his household consisted of drinking beer, watching NASCAR, and maybe ordering a pizza if his dad and step-mom hadn't taken holiday activities to the bedroom. His little brother always seemed to find himself on a hunting trip with buddies from school, leaving Zeke in limbo.
"What kinda Thanksgiving is that?" Linda asked, when Zeke admitted to not having had a turkey dinner since he was in the single digits. Zeke has shrugged, not seeming particularly upset with how holidays in his household worked.
While hanging out in the restaurant, the kids saw Teddy knocking on the door to the apartment. Teddy disappeared quickly out of the cold and snow.
"That there's a brave man," Zeke said.
"Or a really stupid one," Louise corrected.
"Dad got Riverbrooke Lake Farms Turkey this year," Tina said. "Good for Teddy for being allowed in the kitchen with one of those."
"Last time we had a River-Blah-Bella Turkey, Mom and Dad almost got divorced," Gene said. "If they divorce this time, I'm moving in with Mom."
"I call Dad," Louise said, "Gene, you can have Tina."
"Deal," Gene said.
"Damn it," Tina mellowed. "I wanted to switch every other weekend."
In the quiet of the restaurant, they could hear Bob yelling upstairs in the apartment and Teddy frantically shouting back.
As they were sitting in the restaurant listening to the muffled altercation, a teenage girl with a tangle of blonde hair walked slowly past the storefront. The blonde girl turned and looked toward the opposite side of the street. Louise dropped to the floor and behind the counter as fast as she could manage .
The blonde shifted her gaze back to the Belchers' restaurant and pressed her face to the window. "Lou-Ease, I know you're in there," Millie Frock's coo was muffled by the glass. Millie stayed with her face pressed to the store front for several minutes until the others half-heartedly convinced Millie that Louise was not present.
"I'll be back, Louie Lou," Millie sing-songed before removing her face from the glass and skipping back down Ocean Avenue.
Louise sat behind the counter and refused to move from her spot until Linda called the phone to the restaurant.
"Has our father returned?" Gene asked.
"Your father is back to normal. At least for now," Linda confirmed over the phone.
The Belcher kids felt no need to inform Zeke of how unique their family was. Or all the strange nuances the day would bring. Including, but not limited to: Teddy's desire to be overly helpful with everything, Aunt Gayle calling her own apartment every thirty minutes so her cats would "know she was thinking about them," and instead of a prayer before dinner, Linda would sing one her original Thanksgiving songs after a little too much wine.
"I wish my folks did Thanksgiving like this," Zeke said to Bob.
When dinner was finished, Teddy insisted on helping Bob clear the table, Bob insisted on Linda taking Gayle home before the snow got bad, and Louise insisted that the restaurant had to be checked on again and therefore they couldn't assist in post dinner clean up.
The kids sat in the restaurant until a tangle of frizzy blonde hair bobbled by again.
"Motherfucker!" the youngest Belcher shouted as she dropped out of the booth and slid across the floor into the kitchen.
It was too late, Louise had been spotted. The bell above the door rang as an uninvited Millie Frock entered the restaurant.
"When I say Lou, you say Ease," the blonde sang out.
"Fuck off, Millie," Louise shouted from the kitchen. The backdoor slammed shut and Louise took off down the back alley. Millie Frock tore past the counter, through the kitchen, and out the door in pursuit.
"Should we call the police?" Tina mused aloud.
"Nah, she's probably fine," Gene said.
A knock came on the glass of the storefront. Jimmy Jr. stood outside of Bob's Burgers bundled up in a puffy, unflattering coat. Tina and Zeke both perked up at the sight of him. Jimmy Jr. pointed at Tina and motioned for her to come outside. She complied quickly.
Gene and Zeke watched the scene unfold in front of them, as Tina's face fell and Jimmy Jr. started back across the street. Tina sank to the curb.
Zeke shot Gene a nervous glance as he wormed his way out of the booth. "Maybe I should check on 'er."
The door to the restaurant opened and Zeke sat down next to a sobbing Tina.
"Go away."
Zeke stayed put, "Ya okay, T-Bird?"
"D-did you know he was g-gonna do this?" Tina strained through choking breaths.
"Swear on my step-momma, I didn't."
Tina threw a loose handful of snow in Zeke's face. "Go away, Zeke," she repeated. Zeke's face fell as he got up and left Tina sitting where she was.
The back door to the kitchen flew open again and slammed shut. The lock clicked. Louise, breathing hard, collapsed back into the booth beside her brother. "I think I lost her." Louise looked around, "Where is everybody?"
"About that…," Gene pointed out the window, the top of Tina's head visible, just above the window sill. Gene and Louise got up and sat outside with their sister. They stayed like that until Linda drove back up Ocean Avenue and made her kids come inside from the snow.
It was Valentine's Day. Tina and Jimmy Jr. had not talked since Thanksgiving and did their best to avoid each other inside and outside of school. Tina avoided Zeke for a while too, declaring him guilty by association.
Tina stopped freezing Zeke out when she realized she couldn't blame him, but she didn't have to like him, either.
Bob thought it was all very unnecessary on Tina's part and made a point of telling her as much and telling her often.
As Zeke had finished his shift, Linda spotted him walking toward the Petalphile Flower Shop just after punching out.
At closing, Gene and Louise were flicking folded napkins at each other through the service window, Gene in the kitchen and Louise sitting at the counter.
"Stop it," Bob groaned while wiping down the counter.
"Dad, what would it be like if you had children that actually listened to you?" Louise asked, flicking another napkin.
"What children? I disowned them all," Bob replied.
Tina opened the door to the alley and took a bag of trash with her. Linda sat at the booth refilling napkin dispensers, "Kids, listen to your father."
"Make me, Mother!" Gene said as he shot a napkin back to Louise.
As Tina came in through the back, she returned with a generous bouquet of red roses in her arms.
"Ooh, pretty," Linda craned her neck to look up at the flowers.
"Where did you get those?" Bob asked.
"They were by the back door," Tina replied.
"They're obviously from one of my secret admirers, so hand them over," Gene demanded.
"They're for me," Tina pointed to the tag. She was quiet for a minute. "Do you think they're from Jimmy Jr.?"
"Yeah, sure. He's just playing really, really hard to get, T," Louise said, tone dripping with condescension.
Linda grimaced to herself. For as much as she loved her oldest daughter, she didn't understand how she could be so willfully blind.
Bob and Linda were down in the walk-in doing inventory when Zeke invited the Belcher kids to the party at his trailer court. His dad, step-mom, and little brother were out of town for his cousin Leslie's wedding. Zeke continued throughout the day to emphasize that he had the place to himself.
"Tina, you graduate in two days. You have to go," Louise said in a thinly veiled bid to take part in alcohol and tomfoolery. Tina and Louise were putting away dishes while Zeke was cleaning the grill.
"Uh…," Tina groaned.
If Zeke was there, that meant Jimmy Jr. would be there, which meant that Tammy and Jocelyn would be there, which meant…
"You're gonna be there, girl!" Zeke told Tina. Clearly no one understood why Tina couldn't go. That this party meant she would have to be in a place with people she had spent the better part of the school year avoiding. Tina's groaning grew louder.
"You broke our sister," Gene said from his spot at the register.
A few nights later, after Bob and Linda went to sleep, Gene and Louise regrouped in Tina's room already dressed to go out.
"Get up, T," Louise threw a stuffed horse at her sister. Tina stiffened like a log and stayed in bed. Gene and Louise both pulled her until Tina tumbled to the floor.
"I'm not going," Tina said, glaring up at her siblings.
"You're going and you'll like it," Gene told her.
Louise threw some clothes at her sister, leaving no room for argument. Alex Papasian was on his way to pick the Belcher siblings up, she'd been told. Tina groaned quietly as she put the outfit on.
"We had to sit through your frickin' graduation today. You owe us this," Louise whispered.
The emergency phone lit up with a text, "He's here," Gene confirmed.
Gene and Louise pulled their older sister up off the floor and manhandled her down the stairs and out the door. Alex was parked out front with the lights of his car turned off. The Belchers slid into the back seat. Louise rearranged her baggy shirt and the sound of clinking could be heard underneath.
"You stole wine from Mom and Dad?" Tina's eyes widened.
"Believe me, they aren't going to notice," Louise said as Alex drove the car down the street.
"That's really bad, Louise," Tina said.
"I've done worse," Louise shrugged. "Plus, going to this party means you get to stare at Jimmy Jr.'s butt one last time."
"And you haven't even bothered to thank us," Gene said.
Tina sunk lower into her seat and stayed that way for the rest of the drive. The only sure way her siblings knew she was awake was the groaning she'd that continuously emitted during the drive.
Alex parked directly on Zeke's lawn, next to Tammy's shiny car. It stuck out like a sore thumb in the middle of the trailer court, and so did Tammy with her over exaggerated laugh. Tammy had a plastic cup in her hand and she was standing outside of the front door, Jocelyn faithfully by her side.
"This is way more dead than I thought it would be. Where is everybody?" Louise asked.
Tina was still slumped over in her seat. Louise, opened the door and forced Tina out as best she could with her feet on Tina's back. Louise still cradling the wine bottles under her top. Tina held onto the door frame and Louise kept pushing until both her and her sister tumbled out of the car ungracefully.
Gene strolled up to the front door with a shy Alex in tow. Gene uttered some throw away line about how the party could officially get started now that he had arrived.
Zeke and Jimmy Jr were wrestling on the other side of the lawn. When Zeke spotted Gene he ran right for him, tackling him to the ground, "It's the Gene-Jeanie," Zeke shouted.
"Great, Tina's here," Tammy rolled her eyes.
"Ew, eighth grader," Jocelyn said staring down at the pint-sized Belcher.
"Ew, airhead," Louise threw at Jocelyn, walking past the high schoolers and making her way into the kitchen with her pilfered wine bottles.
"T-Bird, get yiur ass over here, girl," Zeke shouted from across the lawn as he stood back up. Gene was still doubled over from the tackle as a nervous Alex helped to pull Gene back onto his feet.
Tina moved across the lawn, making a point of not looking at anyone. She'd had a feeling Louise was going to abandon her, exactly like she had at this moment. Tina was slightly disappointed in herself for hoping that her younger sister would double back around.
"Heh, some party, huh?" Tina tried to sound normal, but her vocals betrayed her and her voice cracked.
Jimmy Jr. glanced briefly in Tina's direction then scuttled inside. Tina reached for the keg on the lawn a few inches away from her and filled a plastic cup. She grimaced before taking a sip, thankful to have something to occupy her hands.
Tammy narrowed her eyes at Tina, Tina avoided Tammy's gaze. She felt her shoulders hunch up around her neck.
Tina looked around for an ally somewhere in the trenches. Zeke had his back to Tina, filling his own cup from the keg. Alex and Gene were sitting on the hood of Alex's car, a beer in Gene's hand. The two were sitting close to one another.
Louise came out of the house with the full wine bottle in her hand, complaining about how hard it had been to find a corkscrew. She sidled up next to Tina and Zeke and took a drink straight from the bottle.
"So, Zeke," Louise began a bit acrid, "did you think to invite anyone else?"
"Nope, I just invited all my friends," Zeke said, chasing his words with a sip of beer.
"So all of your friends are friends? Like, friends with each other?" Louise asked, the implication in her voice clear. To Zeke's credit, his eyes widened a little when he registered the real meaning of her words.
"I'm sorry, T-Bird," was all Zeke managed to mumble before moving away from the Belcher girls. Louise stuck by Tina's side for the rest of the night, wearing her ugliest glare as a weapon against anything Tammy might dream up. Tina guzzled cup after cup of gross, warm beer to keep herself occupied on something other than the hostile atmosphere.
"Maybe you wanna slow down, T? That's like your fourth one," the younger suggested to the older.
"Shut it, Louise. I wouldn't even be here right now if you hadn't pushed me into coming."
"I didn't know this party was gonna suck so frickin' much, okay? And I didn't know it was just going to be them here."
"Don't say that so loud. You might hurt Zeke's feelings."
"Since when have you paid enough attention to Zeke to care about his feelings?" Louise asked her sister defensively.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Feelings literally make me sick, but stupidity makes me sick, too," Louise mumbled into her bottle of wine. Tina didn't have a comeback. She didn't really know how to begin to decipher what her sister meant, either. Plus, things were starting to get a little fuzzy around the edges.
Louise convinced Tina to stop after her fifth beer. Personally, Louise thought someone should congratulate her. She was being the reasonable one, and it should never have to come to Louise Belcher being responsible or reasonable.
Tammy and Jocelyn drove away in Tammy's shiny car, in rapid succession to Tammy announcing what a "snore-gasm" Zeke's party was. They had a flight to catch in the morning, Tammy said. Something about their senior trip to Miami.
Tina made an off hand comment about how Tammy leaving meant she could find Jimmy Jr. and make up with him. Tammy was gone, so Tammy couldn't make fun of her if she wasn't there.
Tina could feel it in her fuzzy heart and with all her poor judgement, that this was the best plan she had all year. Louise glared at her older sister violently as soon as she spoke these thoughts into existence. The hour kept dragging on and Tina kept rehashing her plan out loud to her sister. But she wasn't acting on it.
Alex and Gene had remained self-contained in their own world as hood ornaments, for as long as they could tolerate. "I'm ready to go," Alex announced.
"Yeah, I wanna go home and watch Sister Act, pants not required," Gene said.
"Are you coming home with us, or are you going to stay and try to 'make up with Jimmy Jr.?' " Louise asked Tina. "Make up with Jimmy Jr." was intoned the most unflattering imitation of her sister's voice that Louise could manage.
"I'm staying here." Tina said
"Maybe reconsider?" Louise said. Her words were a little more delicate this time.
"I'm staying here." Tina repeated.
"It's your funeral," Louise said. She turned around, tucked her pink hat deeper into her jeans pocket, and got in Alex's car.
Louise was downstairs bright and early. On her first day of summer vacation. In the restaurant at the opening. With her parents. While Gene got to sleep in as late as he wanted.
It was her punishment for all the fracas she caused during her last week at Wagstaff. Or so she was told. It might have been her "eighth grade prank" or the cumulative amount of time she spent in detention this past school year.
If Louise was a Betting Belcher, the prank was the most likely answer. It was the most proper parting gift to the administration of Wagstaff she could muster.
Louise commissioned Tina, months prior, to write an Erotic Friend Fiction saga detailing the forbidden love between Mr. Ambrose and Mr. Frond. Louise made several copies of this story for public distribution. Tina had given her permission, so long as her name was not brought into the fold. Louise may also have taken extra care to highlight the most shocking and vulgar scenes on each reprint of her sister's modern day classic, then deposited these copies in the teacher's lounge as she snuck in to claim her favored "I Hate Mondays" coffee mug. Classic.
Bob and Linda had been so intent on disciplining Louise, they failed to notice one of their progeny was missing.
Louise might have been pissed at Tina, but she wasn't a snitch. If Bob and Linda didn't notice she was gone, that was their own fault.
Zeke rolled in for the afternoon shift tired, bleary-eyed, and overtly hungover. Louise had been waiting for Tina to take the afternoon shift for over an hour by the time Zeke rolled in. When he got there, Louise demanded to know what the deal was.
"It's not any of yuir business, Hot Rod," Zeke told her when Louise asked about the party.
Louise told her parents she was taking a break. She marched upstairs, ready to unleash her fury on her sister.
Louise stormed into Tina's room to find her sister in bed, hair wet from a shower, and turned in towards the wall. "What the fuck, T? It's the middle of the afternoon."
"I don't feel good," was all Louise got out of her sister.
"No, you're just hungover."
Louise could have kept standing there and fighting, she could have coaxed her sister out of bed, but she turned around and went back down to the restaurant to take what was supposed to be Tina's shift. She couldn't say she felt guilty, but she couldn't deny partial responsibility for her sister's downfall.
The next day Louise felt no such reservations about bursting her sister's bubble. Tina wasn't stuck in bed hungover today, but she made it a point not to leave the apartment. She also made it a point not to show up for her shift again.
"What's wrong with you?" Louise demanded following her sister into her bedroom.
"Go away, Louise."
"That's all you ever do anymore, T. You whine and cry and yell at everyone to go away," Louise was loud. Loud enough she wondered if she could be heard downstairs.
Tina said nothing.
"T, if you don't tell me what's going on, I'll just read about it in your diary," Louise threatened. "Or I'll make Zeke tell me what's going on, because both of you are acting super fucking weird."
The back half of Louise's threat got Tina's attention, "I woke up next to Zeke the other day and I was so confused, because I don't hate him, even though I pretend to hate him. And it was my first time and I think it was his, too. And he was so happy and I don't want to give him false hope, but now he isn't talking to Jimmy Jr. And Jimmy Jr. is mad. And I don't know if I care and I am afraid things are ruined for Zeke. And what if Tammy finds out?" Tina spoke fast and spoke until she was out of breath. She sunk down to the floor beside her bed and began groaning.
It took Louise a few seconds to process the fast, singular confession as it poured out of Tina's mouth in a stream of jumbled words. Louise sank down next to her groaning sister.
"Oh," was all she could manage to say.
Author's Note: Honestly, throughout this entire story I worry about how well I was able to write Tina. She was the most challenging character for me to write, aside from Logan. I really don't feel like I did Tina justice.