Chapter Five "Let's Give 'Em Something Shiitake 'Bout Burger"

The night before Thanksgiving, Louise couldn't help thinking of how she should have been at home stuffing her face with a juicy Meatsiah Burger while she watched a Hawk and Chick marathon in the privacy of her own room. This was one of the few nights Louise allowed herself not to worry about work and making money. Although coveted, these days were few and far between.

Yet here she was, wasting her precious time holding down a corner table in the Lucky Lizard and trying to hunt down another grown adult. Because that other grown adult had decided to be a big, smelly asshole.

She'd seen Logan Bush wander in a half hour earlier, dressed impeccably in a sport jacket and trousers. He'd ordered a drink and took a seat next to Scotty, who was too occupied by a pretty brunette to notice the arrival of his friend.

Louise wished she could have prided herself on the gathering of intel: Logan's admittedly predictable whereabouts. In reality she'd called Tammy Larsen, who had a catalog of everyone and everything relevant in Seymour's Bay. Tammy wasn't much, but sometimes she was useful.

Louise had allowed Logan the time to get a few drinks in him. To mingle and loosen up. When he looked like he was feeling fuzzy enough to be easily malleable, she abandoned her hiding place in the back of the venue and made her way to the bar. She perched herself on a barstool just in range of Logan's vision. Louise ordered herself a drink and pulled out her flip phone, scrolling through her contacts list to look busy.

The bartender set the drink down in front of Louise and she thanked them loud enough for the people around her to hear. Logan's gaze wandered over to the other side of the bar, trying to pinpoint the familiar voice. His eyes landed on Louise. There was a rush of shock and recognition. Before he thought about what he was doing, he got up from his seat, bringing his drink with him and mumbled something to a distracted Scotty as he moved away.

Louise was still fake-scrolling on her phone, when he asked, "Can I sit here?"

"It's a free country," Louise said and took a sip of her drink.

"You're not wearing your Ears," he said.

"It's warm in here," Louise shrugged, playing with the tip of one of her Ears. The hat sticking out of her hoodie pocket. "I only really wear them when it's cold out, anyway."

"That's cool," Logan rubbed the back of his neck. "I, uh, saw your mom and brother earlier today. There was this mixer at the Glencrest Yacht Club."

"Big deal. I see my mother and brother all the time," Louise said, snapping her cell phone shut and setting it on the bar in front of her.

"I'm just trying to be nice," Logan spouted self-consciously, his eyes were a little glassy. He was definitely buzzed.

"I find that hard to believe, because I've rarely had an interaction with you that ended well," Louise stated.

"There was that time with the laser tag," Logan mumbled. He still hadn't taken the seat.

"Oh, yeah, that was such a great day. Huge fight with my mom. Forced, creepy mommy-daughter bonding. And I got locked in a room with your dumb ass." Logan looked down into his drink as Louise berated him. "What do you want, anyway?"

"I was just gonna see if you wanted a drink. Peace offering?"

"Fine, but you're paying," Louise gave a wry smirk.

"That's kind of the point of a peace offering," Logan took the seat next to Louise, returning the wry smirk, "So why weren't you with your family? I never see you at the Yacht Club."

"Do I look like someone who would waste their time at a Yacht Club?"

"Um…no? Maybe? I don't know."

"I work for a living and I'm trying to put myself through school. I don't have time for dumb shit like yacht clubs," Louise said with a haughty air.

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry. I didn't know it was a sore subject. Jesus."

"It's fine," Louise mellowed. "My mom loves it there. It's a hobby. Makes her feel like she can be part of stuff she missed out on earlier in life or something dumb like that."

"Yeah, your mom and my mom seem to get along pretty well now. It's fucking weird," Logan said, sipping the dregs of his cocktail. Louise downed hers also. Logan ordered them another round.

"Tell me about it, my sister and her boyfriend get jobs there and suddenly Linda Belcher is part of the elite inner circle of New Jersey," Louise embellished, putting a straw in her new drink.

Logan chuckled and took a big swig of his drink, "Your crazy sister who wouldn't stop asking me questions about boys when I worked at your restaurant?"

"Worked is a generous overstatement. And she's not my 'Crazy Sister.' Her name is Tina."

An awkward silence settled between the two. Logan panicked and motioned to Scotty as he barreled through his drink and ordered another one.

He was drinking fast, Louise noticed. She was making him nervous. Good.

"Call your buddy over here, that's going to make this situation better. Really kills your chances of scoring any brownie points. Or scoring in general," Louise said acerbically.

"I'm not trying to score brownie points, Four Ears," Logan grumbled as he dragged his finger across this throat, gesturing to Scotty to abort the mission.

"Could have fooled me," Louise put her hands on her hips. "What's with the sudden attitude?"

"What attitude?" Logan asked incredulously.

"I'm not trying to score brownie points, Four Ears," Louise mimicked.

"I don't sound like that," Logan said.

"Whatever keeps you warm at night," Louise said and took a small sip of her drink.

"Okay, fine, I can sound a little whiny," Logan relented.

"I'm glad you can be honest with yourself."

Scotty whispered something to the brunette he'd been flirting with. The brunette shook her head emphatically in reply to whatever Scotty had said. The brunette and Scotty got up and grabbed their coats from beside the door. Scotty waved to Logan, indicating he was leaving. He walked out of the bar with a conquest on his arm and a shit-eating grin on his face.

Logan pulled out his phone and shot Scotty a quick, scathing text message for leaving him at the mercy of his childhood archnemesis.

Logan: Thanks for leaving me alone with "IT." (Delivered at 11:03pm)

Scotty: You're white girl wasted. Stop being a little bitch. You sure look like you wanted to be left alone. (Delivered at 11:03pm)

Scotty: Be careful. Your little crush is showing. ;) (Delivered at 11:04pm)

"You gonna pay attention to your phone all night? Because I thought you came over here to talk to me," Louise said.

"Yeah, sorry," Logan stopped mid-text and set his phone down on the bar. He looked over at Louise, her dark hair framing her face. Her face in a perpetual sour expression. He held eye contact a little too long.

"Keep staring and I'll get slappy," she threatened, holding up a hand, palm open.. Logan felt his cheeks heat up. There were butterflies in the pit of his stomach, but nothing another drink couldn't chase away.

Logan took another sip, buying time let himself think, "So, do you still work at Wonder Wharf?" Casual recovery.

"No. I quit about a year ago." Louise paused and stared at Logan's drink, "You should probably slow down," she advised.

"Yeah, yeah," Logan let out a sigh.

"Awe, poor little rich boy has some troubles? Needs to tie one on to forget?" Louise asked, moving her barstool a little closer to Logan's. His cheeks became a little more pink. Louise was sure the color had more to do with her proximity than his evening's alcohol consumption.

"Yeah," Logan looked at Louise and rested his head on the bar.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" Louise took her Ears out of the hoodie pocket and set them on the table, still playing with the tip of one ear.

Logan reached out a hand to touch the Ears. Louise swatted the back of his hand with controlled force.

"Ow!"

"Didn't Cynthia teach you how to keep your hands to yourself?"

"They looked soft," Logan defended.

"They are, but you should know because you've tried to steal them on multiple occasions."

"I just wanted to feel them."

"You mean you wanted to be a little cocksucker and steal them?"

"No."

"Well, you can be a gentleman and ask for permission."

"Louise," Logan took his head off the bar and stared directly into her eyes, "Can I please touch your Ears?"

Louise let out a sharp laugh, drawing some attention from the other bar patrons. "God, you must be fucking hammered. You look so serious."

"I am serious," he said somberly.

"Fine, you can touch my hat, but if your hands wander for too long, I'll give you a Reverse Norwegian Stink Hold you won't forget," she said.

"I'd like to see you try, Smellcher," he chuckled. He reached for the hat laid out on the bar, feeling the fuzziness. He moved his hand away, accidentally running his fingers over Louise's. Louise felt an odd electricity tingle up her spine. She made brief, inadvertent eye contact with Logan and this time they both quickly looked away from each other.

"So, are you going to tell me about your stupid rich boy problems?" Louise asked, changing the subject.

"Yeah, yeah," Logan cleared his throat. "My mom has been bothering the shit out of me all month about Thanksgiving. Did I take my suits to the dry cleaner? Whose house are we having dinner at? Do I have a date this year? Is my attitude going to give my grandmother a heart attack?" Logan droned.

"I don't envy you," Louise said, taking a tiny sip of her drink. All the ice had melted and now her cocktail was nasty and watered-down.

"I have an idea," Logan's face lit up, "you should come with me. You're pure evil and my mom doesn't like you. It would bother the shit out of her. And you probably have some savage clapbacks, too," Logan swiveled on his bar stool to face Louise, their knees almost touching.

Louise was beginning to rethink her revenge plan. She could just tell Logan about the review right now and come clean. Ask him, like a mature adult, to take it down. He was drunk enough now to be nice, he might just be willing to comply.

"No can do, Pretty Boy. As much as I am sure Cynthia would just love to have me at her dinner table, Thanksgiving is the crown jewel of holidays for the Belchers. My father would probably stop speaking to me if I missed it."

"You're just being dramatic," Logan said dismissively.

"Thundergirls' honor," Louise held up her fingers in a vow of perfect trust and commitment.

"There's no way you were a Thundergirl," Logan tilted his head back and laughed.

"Only once, and for confidential spy operations," Louise revealed.

Logan gave a full laugh again, "You're really weird, Four Ears, you know that?"

"Do you like weird girls or something?" Louise batted her eyelashes.

"Yeah, I think I do," he gave her a dreamy look. Louise thought it must have been the alcohol talking.

"Is 'weird' going to keep a trust-fund baby like you warm at night?"

"I have a job, you know that. We've talked about this before. Back when you worked at the wharf. I can't believe you don't remember," Logan said. He sounded like he thought she must have been joking, like it was an old, familiar memory for both of them.

"Oh, please, tell me what it is you do? I've long forgotten. Let me know how much better you are than me and my family," Louise said putting a hand over her forehead in mimicry of swooning.

"I never said that," Logan said defensively .

"Don't be such a fucking baby. It was implied," Louise said.

"Don't be so immature," Logan shot back.

"Oh, go fuck yourself!" Louise said. She stood up.

How could she have been so soft? Just because Pretty Boy Logan was being nice and charming and had made her feel fuzzy? No. Revenge plan, back on. She had an example to make out of him. A lesson to teach.

"Don't go," Logan said quickly.

"Are you begging?"

"I'm not a jerk. I promise."

"You're making promises now? How drunk are you?"

"Reasonably drunk," Logan admitted. Louise sat back down.

"If you're playing nice, I guess I can too," Louise said it like she was doing him a big favor. "What do you do for a living?" She rolled her eyes as she asked the question.

"I work in marketing." Logan said. "And I'm also a trust-fund baby," he lowered his voice and moved in a little closer as he said it, like he was letting her in on a secret.

"I'm getting a degree in business management. Fate must have just brought us back together for a reason," she said with a coy smile as she played with the buttons on her phone. Looking down at the flipped open screen with no messages or voicemails.

"That thing is ancient and outdated, just like a business," Logan said, sticking his nose into Louise's personal space. He held his cell phone beside hers. "Can I see it?"

Louise handed Logan her phone. He pushed buttons and kept opening and closing her phone, like he was expecting something amazing to happen.

Louise picked up Logan's smartphone and appraised it. It had a stupid lock screen on it. Logan reached over and slowly pecked in his passcode with his index finger. Louise flipped through his phone, looking at all the apps, bells, and whistles. Logan propped up his elbow on the bar and rested his chin on his hand.

There was that stupid, dreamy look again. It was a little harder for Louise to convince herself his gaze was alcohol induced this time.

Louise had already gotten part of what she needed when he put in his passcode, but she looked through his pictures and emails for any incriminating evidence. To her chagrin, there were none.

"Nosy. What did you do, put your number in there?"

"You wish, Loganberry. I wouldn't disrespect myself like that."

"Would you disrespect yourself by adding my number in your phone?"

"In your trust-fund baby dreams."

Logan downed the last little bit of the drink he'd been nursing since Louise accused him of drinking too fast. Louise's second drink still sat on the bar in front of her, hardly more than a few sips taken. The two talked for a little while longer, until Logan stood up.

"Are you hungry? I'm really hungry. You game for pancakes?"

"I could eat," Louise said pocketing her cell phone.

"Let's get out of here, then," Logan paid the tab and Louise pulled out some cash to cover her first drink. The bartender didn't take it, telling her it has already been paid for. Logan gave her a shit-eating grin that made her heart skip a beat. She ignored whatever twinge of a spark she'd felt for that split second.

He was just trying to get her on his good side so next time he pulled some dumb prank, she wouldn't be expecting it. That had to be it. That's why she had to retaliate first.

Nevermind that she'd felt safe and unthreatened in Logan's presence the entire evening. Any instinct to trust or be nice to Logan Bush had to have been brought on by his charming, pretty boy act. It was some malfunction in her brain caused by holiday cheer.

Louise shoved her hat over her head as the bartender handed Logan his card back. They grabbed their coats.

Logan asked if he could put his arm around Louise's shoulder. Louise said he could. But she only said it for show, so he would buy into the act. Not so she could go back to ignoring the tingle she felt up her spine.

Louise leaned in and put her arm around Logan's waist. He misread her intention and tightened his arm around Louise's shoulders, pulling her closer with one hand and opening the door with the other as they walked out onto the street. With her arm around his waist, she reached into his pocket and grabbed his phone.

The pair continued down the block in the direction of a twenty-four hour diner that Logan "swore by."

Louise looked back and forth on both sides of the street. The block was abandoned.

Before Logan could fully process what was happening, he felt the cool air blowing around his legs and the sound of photos being snapped. Then he heard laughter.

"What the fuck, Louise?" Logan shouted, an undercurrent of rage blossoming in his voice. He pulled his pants back up to his waist and fastened his belt.

"What the fuck, is right. What the fuck is going on down there? Have you ever heard of manscaping?" Louise asked.

"Give me my phone back, you little shithead!" he demanded.

"Take your review down first!" she countered.

"What are you talking about?" Logan asked, anger still peppering his voice. He stayed more than a few feet back from Louise. Not trusting that she wouldn't do something crazy again.

"The review on Chowster. Your shit-ass review of my food truck! Don't play dumb."

Realization dawned on him, "That review."

"Yeah, you gnarly bushed asshole, that review. Delete it or I'll send the picture to everyone in your contacts list."

"You're going to send everyone in my contact list a picture of me getting pranked?" Logan asked with a smirk on his face. "You didn't think this through very well, Smellcher."

"What? This is gold! Everyone is going to see that you got caught with your pants down, literally."

"You're going to send everyone in my contact list a picture of me getting pranked?" Logan repeated.

"I heard you the first time," the confidence in Louise's voice waned.

Logan began to laugh. It was the hardest he'd laughed all night.

"What's so frickin' funny?" Louise demanded

"Little Four Ears, you're really losing your edge," Logan was breathing hard as his laughing tapered off. "I want my phone back," he stretched out his hand.

"Not until I figure out how to delete your review," Louise said poking through Logan's phone again, trying to find anything resembling the Chowster app.

"Do you know how to work a smartphone?" Logan asked.

"Of course I do, Big Bush. I'm not stupid."

"I didn't say you were. And don't call me that."

"Not until this review gets taken down."

"I'll take it down, just give me back my phone."

"How do I know you aren't going to run once I give your phone back?"

"You don't. You just have my word."

"Because your word is worth so much, Big Bush?"

Logan sighed, trying to tamp down his frustration. "I wanted you to notice me."

"What?"

"I wanted to get your attention. I wanted you to notice me."

"You're full of shit."

"Seriously. I did. I saw you the other night and you just kept brushing me off and being an ass. Just like you used to do to me when you worked at Wonder Wharf. So I thought it would get your attention. If I upset you in the process, so be it."

"You pissed on my truck! I was right to be an ass."

"It was the tire, not the truck. And I was drunk. Really drunk. More drunk than right now. And you squirted ketchup all over me."

"Yeah, because you pissed on my truck."

"For what it's worth, I'm sorry."

"Yeah, sure. I believe it."

"Louise."

"Was the review true?"

"What? No, it wasn't true."

"Then why did you write it?"

"Because, I wanted to get your attention. Do I really have to keep repeating myself?"

"Well, it worked."

"Yeah, well, this wasn't what I had in mind."

"I work my ass off. I never have days off. I run that stupid truck pretty much by myself. I don't have time for idiots like you. Some of us don't just get everything handed to us."

"Don't turn this into something it isn't. Don't just assume I didn't work hard to get where I am either," Logan said. There was an edge to his voice, like he was trying to hold back an acerbic remark.

Logan wanted to deny what the whole scene looked like. Him, tall and towering in his nicely tailored clothes. Perfect trousers, shiny dress loafers, pristine sports coat, and a nice bomber jacket. Her, short and grimacing and wearing pink rabbit ears in a beat up leather jacket over an oversized hoodie. Skinny jeans and beat up boots. Somehow she made him feel like he was the one picking on her.

"Fine," Louise sighed heavily. She was still messing around with his phone, but was beginning to realize how hopeless the prospect was.

"Do you want help?"

"No!"

"I'm really over this playing games thing. I'm pretty drunk. I was just pantsed in the middle of the fucking street, and I have to deal with my mother all day tomorrow. Stop holding my phone hostage and we'll get some stupid pancakes."

"There is no way I'm going anywhere with you. Not after this."

"I'm paying," Logan said, trying to sweeten the pot.

"Fuck you! I don't need your handouts, Big Bush."

"It's not a handou-, fuck it. Forget it." Logan crossed his arms over his chest and watched Louise mess around with his phone.

"I hate this fucking thing! And this street isn't that public. I made sure no one was around when I pantsed you. I'm not that heartless."

"But you're heartless enough to send the pictures to everyone in my contacts. Including my boss and my parents?"

"Shut up."

"Getting tired yet?"

"Fuck off."

"I don't have an app, if that's what you're looking for. Open the internet browser."

"That information would have been helpful a lot earlier."

"You didn't want my help," Logan smirked.

"Shut it!"

"How do you know my passcode anyway?"

"I watched very carefully," Louise said typing the website into his internet browser.

"Am I logged in?"

"No."

Logan moved a little closer to Louise and recited his username and password. Louise navigated through his page and found his review. Hitting "delete" put a small smile on her face.

"Do you feel better now?"

"Yeah, but I'll feel even better when you get the fuck out of my space."

"Okay," Logan backed up a few steps, "while you're still hijacking my phone, would you delete those stupid pictures you took. It's cold out and I'm pretty sure the angle is super unflattering."

Louise snorted, "Very unflattering."

"Thanks, really boosts my self esteem."

"Yeah, well your review really boosted mine."

"I said I was sorry. And I offered to buy you pancakes. What the fuck do you want from me?"

"I want you to sob like a little bitch."

"That's not going to happen," Logan said. He was sobering up quickly from all the drama and the cold air.

"You can have your phone back."

"What's the catch? Seems too easy."

Louise started to walk backwards. Logan started to move forward.

"There is no catch," Louise said innocently.

"Louise?"

"I didn't send them to your entire contact list. I told you I wasn't heartless," Louise tossed Logan's phone at him and he fumbled to catch it as Louise took off down the street. "We're even now, Logan. Don't try to pull anymore bullshit."

Logan could feel the panic inside of him rise. The front he had put on early was just that. A front. Could he recall a text message? If she'd deleted the picture before they all sent, would they even send?

Logan scrolled through his phone. Louise hadn't deleted the pictures like she's claimed. And it was true, she hadn't sent the pictures to his entire contact list, because she hadn't sent them to anyone at all.

She changed his background and lockscreen to pictures of himself. Pictures with his pants around his ankles and a horrified look on his face.

Logan felt his panic abate. He couldn't believe he'd fallen for Louise's charming act. He also couldn't believe he'd gone to all this trouble to get her attention. He had wanted to see her. He had wanted to impress her. He wanted to show her he wasn't the same jackass he'd been thirteen years ago. Or even the same jackass he'd been three years ago when she'd worked at Wonder Wharf and he kept coming by playing at the game booth and trying to get her attention with all his bragging.

He'd forgotten how jaded and cynical Louise Belcher could be. How jaded and cynical she'd been even when they were younger. Being obnoxious was never going to get her attention. It never had before.

It wouldn't have gotten his attention either.