Chapter Six: "It's All Gravy, Baby" Burger:

On Logan's way home from the Lucky Lizard, he was too busy feeling sorry for himself to care much about anything else. Then his phone rang. The caller ID was his trashcan fire of a childhood friend. Did he want to deal with this right now?

Jacob called from somewhere downstate, sounding high as hell. Jacob had just wanted Logan to know that he "loved him, bro" and if he was having a crisis, he could always come down and "cut loose." Jacob only called on holidays. Or when he needed money. Mostly it was money. And he was always on something. Or running around with that loser, Jonas, who worked in Reggie's Deli up until the old bag fired him right in the middle of senior year. After graduation, Jonas started dealing. Then he got Jacob in on it too.

Logan was pretty sure Jacob always called because he was too off his face to send a coherent text message. One of these days Jacob was going to call and it was going to be about bail. Or it wouldn't be Jacob calling and it would be about an overdose.

Jacob wanted to wish Logan a "Happy Thanksgiving." He also wanted to borrow a few hundred bucks. Logan told him "Happy Thanksgiving" and hung up.

When Logan got home, he proceeded to raid his own liquor cabinet and get more sloshed while he cuddled with his tiny dog. He sent Scotty text messages in drunk gibberish proclaiming something like "Can you believe what she did to me?"

Had Logan sent his best friend the pictures as proof in a blind alcoholic pity party? Logan couldn't remember. He was too drunk to remember if he had or not.

Had he told Scotty the devious thing Louise Smellcher had done to him?

If Logan had been sober, the surprise photoshoot would have long been deleted from his phone.

The next morning, Logan had been woken up by the loud, unforgivable sound of his phone ringing. He was going to ignore it, but the caller ID was Scotty. The only person Logan was willing to tolerate when he was this hungover.

The mortification of the night prior freshly crashed down on him when he saw his home screen picture as he pulled his phone of the nightstand by his bed. Stupid, Four Ears.

"I've been holding back. I saw that picture and I knew it was true. I do love you," Scotty laughed into the phone.

"You're so funny. A real comedian," Logan's voice lacked enthusiasm.

"She really did a number on you, didn't she?"

"You could say that," Logan coughed.

"Well, she's seen your dick, you have to marry her now."

"Fuck off."

"Been a while since you had any visitors? Forgot to trim the hedges?"

"Shut the fuck up, Scotty."

"Chill."

"Whatever."

"Maybe I shouldn't have left ya there alone? I forgot how dangerous she is."

"She's not dangerous. She's just really fucking evil."

"Are you defending the girl who tried to have a biker gang cut off your ears?"

"No?"

"You always did like the crazy ones."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Exactly what it sounds like," Scotty said. "What happened by the way?"

"She found the review I wrote about her stupid food truck."

"You actually posted that? You're a fucking idiot."

"Well, she found it. That thing at the bar wasn't a chance meeting."

"You were kind of asking for it. You posted that review and then you went right up to her like you were old friends or some shit. You could have just ignored her, but your little crush got in the way."

"I don't have a crush."

"I would say I was joking, but you're so defensive and you're full of shit, bro. You're acting like a jerk to get her attention. I haven't seen you try that hard in years."

"She probably hates my guts now, anyway. So what does it matter?"

"Stop feeling sorry for yourself. I'm not gonna hype you up if you're gonna act like this."

"I have all Thanksgiving to figure out a plan to make her life a living hell."

"Or you could take the L and move on. It's not like she did anything, she just gave you a good scare and it was actually kind of funny."

"Not from where I was standing."

"Nah, it was hilarious," Scotty said. There was laughing on Scotty's end and grumbling on Logan's before they hung up.

Logan got up. He stepped into the shower in the attached master bedroom and turned the water on as hot as he could tolerate. Standing with his head under the stream of water, he tried to relieve the pounding headache he found himself with. He kept running through the night, replaying it. Maybe he'd deserved some paypack, but to go that far was hardly a fair trade off. He'd tried to make things right with Louise by being her friend last night. Or maybe he'd tried to get close to her for his own personal reasons.

He stood in the shower, thinking more than scrubbing. No matter how much he scrubbed, he still felt a little exposed. He stayed there until he couldn't turn the faucet any higher and the water couldn't get any warmer. He got out. The headache still raging along side the disgusting mix of uneasiness and excitement he felt when he thought of Louise and the night before.

He went downstairs to make breakfast, something that could cure the queasiness. It was becoming apparent to him the sickness had more to do with circumstance than hangover.

He could feel the beginning sparks of a rage against Louise forming, but exhaustion and sheer embarrassment made it difficult to drum up much more than that. Was revenge really worth it? Mortification was hard to put a price on and Louise Belcher sure had mortified the shit out of him.

He jumped when he heard the door front door swing wide open.

"Hello!" Cynthia called as she invited herself into the house, spare keys in hand.

"I'm in the kitchen," Logan called. His tone was filled with an acid, he couldn't disguise and he hoped his mother didn't notice. Cynthia took a few minutes before making her grand appearance in the kitchen, undoubtedly poking her nose around his house, looking for something to criticize.

He'd just put food in the dog bowl and sat down to his own omelette, when Cynthia marched into the kitchen with a force. The dog ignored his food and ran in a circle around Cynthia's white pumps.

"Was Dad not fighting enough with you? Had to bring it to my house?"

"Oh, Logan, grow up. You should be tak-"

"Taking your drama somewhere else?"

"Oh, Logan, I'm not allowed to come over and see you? Especially when you aren't answering your phone? It's Thanksgiving. You could at least be bothered to talk to me. I only gave birth to you." Cynthia bent down and picked up the tiny dog.

"You could have saved the lecture for dinner. Bitching at the table is everyone's favorite Thanksgiving activity. I can't imagine you're that worried about my well being?"

"Dinner isn't happening, Logan," Cynthia said.

"Are you joking? Cause it could use some work."

"We're cancelling dinner, Tom and I. We have some news. Your father is on call at the hospital right now, so I'm telling you while I have the opportunity. Before things might get ugly," Cynthia paused for a moment. "You're father's having an affair."

Logan stared at Cynthia incredulously, "I didn't think the pathetic bastard had it in him."

"Right, I didn't think that would surprise you so much," Cynthia said. "Nevertheless, we, your father and I, are very seriously considering a divorce."

Logan worked to regain his composure, "This is the fourth time this year you've threatened that."

"It's real this time," Cynthia's eyes began to water. She sniffed like she was holding back tears.

"It should have happened sooner. I don't understand why you're finally deciding to leave him now."

"Logan, your father and I have had a very difficult marriage. We've been through things I wouldn't expect you to understand, but we did it for you. We stayed together for you."

"Whatever you have to tell yourself, Mom."

"Logan Berry Bu-"

"I spent years thinking all parents fought like you guys did, then I saw my friends parents and realized that shit wasn't normal. It's exhausting being near you guys."

"You're not being very fair, Logan."

"I'm being plenty fair."

"You're so stubborn and ungrateful, you know that? Ever since you were little."

" 'I'm insolent and it's a wonder I turned out as good as I did with how horrible I was as a kid. It's not like my father lifted a finger to raise me. Blah, blah.' I've been hearing this speech for the last twenty-eight years."

Cynthia pursed her lips, searching for a scathing retort, but coming up short.

"The point is, you're too good for Dad. You're both terrible for each other and you're both horrible people, but you're still way too good for him. You might have been a better mother if you weren't so busy fighting with him all the time."

"I have made a lot of mistakes, but I always did my best raising you," Cynthia intoned somberly.

Logan cracked a smile, "Yeah, well, you still fucked me up pretty good."

"Language!"

"That's really what you're worried about right now?"

"Of course not. I'm worried about what everyone will say. What they'll think."

"Screw that, Mom. I just want you to be happy. I mean, don't you want to be happy?"

"Logan, that might be the nicest thing you've said to me in years."

"I say nice things all the time, you and Dad are just usually too busy arguing to hear it."

Her son's blunt criticism made her smile where it normally would have had the opposite effect.

"I wanted you to hear it from me. Who knows how your father would try and spin this whole story," Cynthia gestured, as if to ward off Tom's evil and unsaid words.

"This is your divorce. I don't want any part of it."

"I'm kicking your father out. I wouldn't expect you to make him your problem."

"Good, 'cause that's not fucking happening," Logan said. His mother sat down at the kitchen table next to him, setting the dog in her lap. Logan dug into his omelette. It was already cold.

"I forgot how loud Gene snores," Louise said, flipping through the channels until she landed on the National Dog Show.

"It took years of training to get this far," Gene said. "And a lot of sleeping."

"Oh, leave it on, I wanna see what they do!" Linda said from the couch, glass of wine poised in one hand and the burger phone clasped in the other. "No, Ginger, I was talking to Louise. She just turned on that dog show. Do you see those little guys? Reminds me of something Little King Trashmouth used to do, rest his soul."

"Linda, Linda," Teddy called from the other side of the couch, "Put it on speaker, I wanna hear what Ginger says."

Alex was still asleep in Gene's old room. How he was sleeping through all the racket, Louise didn't know, but she was growing more envious of her brother-in-law and his ability to sleep through a Belcher Family Thanksgiving.

There was a barely audible knock at the door. Louise sped down the stairs and threw the door open revealing Tina and Zeke. Zeke was carrying a casserole dish in his hands.

"Slow down there, Hot Rod," he greeted Louise.

"Dad's in the kitchen." Louise told Zeke, "Good luck," she added as he moved past her and up the stairs into the apartment.

"Are you missing someone?"

"Aunt Gayle's parking the car."

"I meant Mort, T."

"Aunt Gayle and Mr. Business II are fighting. They're on a break. She asked if she could stay with me and Zeke for the night."

"That poor son of a bitch."

"Who? Aunt Gayle? I know. It's really sad. She was telling me all about it and he's really taking her for granted."

"I meant poor Mr. Busin -"

The door swung open and Gayle walked into the entryway. Tina and Louise moved up onto the steps to create space.

"Aunt Gayle, we weren't just talking about you," Tina chuckled nervously, "And even if we were, it wasn't anything bad. Right, Louise?"

"Louise, I'm so glad you're here. I have to tell you all about my rotten cat," Gayle said moving in for a hug Louise wasn't quick enough to dodge. Gayle ushered Louise up the stairs and into the apartment all while relating the heartbreaking story of her recent fight with Mr. Business II. Louise threw Tina a pleading look, but Tina made no move to rescue her younger sister.

The kitchen of the Belcher household was a no-man's land. Zeke had gotten himself banished in close succession to his arrival. Bob had nearly dropped the turkey out of the window. Bob had gotten distracted by Zeke and started yelling at him for not following instructions to the letter. The window was left open to mitigate the overbearing warmth of the kitchen. Bob had taken the turkey out of the oven, cradling the turkey in it's tin tub. Zeke was messing up the dressing and Bob had to let Zeke know exactly where he'd gone wrong. The patriarch had forgotten the importance of oven mitts and subsequently threw the turkey when his burning skin became too much to handle. Bob's carrying on woke up Alex, who may have slept in well past dinner otherwise.

Inexplicable turkey misfortune was checked off the list. That Belcher tradition was upheld for another year. Thanksgiving soundtrack still had left to be crossed off that same list.

The table was set. Linda had just enough wine to deal with her husband's uptight, Thanksgiving induced mood and come up with an original song. Louise had just enough wine to make conversation with Teddy and Gayle bearable. Mort glided into the Belcher's apartment just as dinner was served. Perfectly timed to avoid Bob's generous Thanksgiving anger and all other usual associated mishaps. Louise noticed the intention and appreciated Mort's finely timed arrival.

After dinner, Louise was in the kitchen washing dishes, hiding from her lovely, but noisy family. Her phone vibrated. She'd set it on the counter a few feet away from the sink before she'd begun the dishes. Louise's heart sank. She flipped her phone open. It was a text from Harley that read, "Happy Thanksgiving!"

Louise flipped her phone shut, set it down on the counter hard. She returned to scrubbing the dishes, pushing any thoughts of cell phone related guilt out of her mind.

Tina walked into the kitchen moments later with her older generation smart phone in her hand, "I got a text from Tammy," Tina said casually.

"I'm sure that was pleasant," Louise said snarkily.

Tina held her phone up for Louise to see Tammy's message. Louise still had her hands in the sink as she scrubbed away at crusty dishes.

"She said you called her and asked about some guy a few grades ahead of her in high school. Logan Bush."

"What do you want, T?"

"I have a good idea when you're up to something."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"No, because you would never go overboard, Louise," Tina said in perfect monotone.

"I don't appreciate your sarcasm," Louise sighed.

"People deserve a second chance, Louise."

"Even Tammy? She just texted you to create drama."

"Creating drama? Sounds familiar, don't it, girl," Zeke said as he stepped into the threshold of the kitchen.

"You too?" Louise glared at Zeke.

Zeke crossed his arms and stood behind Tina. Tina could occasionally bring out Louise's conscience, but with Zeke as reinforcement, Louise felt a lump rise in her throat. Zeke and Louise had always understood their common ground with one another. Both had been troublemakers growing up. Both had been rebellious pranksters. When Louise was up to something, when she was lying, Zeke was the bloodhound who sniffed it out.

"I taught him a lesson. He wrote a trash review on my truck. It was going to hurt business," Louise said, as if it justified everything.

"Bob has been dealing with bad reviews for years. He's never given up. Isn't he your hero, girl? Take a page out of your dad's book," Zeke said.

"My father has gone overboard plenty of times," Louise said. It was a weak form of self-defense. Memories of her father standing and yelling on top of Jimmy Pesto's bar or past Lobster-Fests or holding the Moody Foodie hostage in his own home flashed through her mind. She would have laughed if it all hadn't felt so grim.

"Louise," Tina said, "you're not Dad."

"And neither are you. So stop treating me like a child," Louise said.

"Don't act like one, then" Tina shot back.

"So, are you gonna tell me what you did?" Zeke asked as if he were the tougher, older brother to a mischievous toddler.

Louise gave a very vague description of what her plan had been and what the real outcome was. She didn't know why she felt the need to explain herself. To 'fess up. The dynamic duo of Zena had a way of making Louise's conscience operate in overdrive.

"Because ya don't know what it's like to have someone up in yuir space and take what don't belong ta them right, Hot Rod?" Zeke asked.

"If you're talking about Millie, that's a really fucking low blow," Louise mumbled.

Zeke had driven his point home. Right through the garage door and into the house. If Louise felt a little guilty before, now she felt like the shitbag of Seymour's Bay.

The dynamic duo left Louise in the kitchen with her thoughts as company. She pushed the rising panic back and continued washing dishes.

She didn't feel bad about Logan. Why should she? He had only tortured her and her siblings since she was nine. Before this past week, she hadn't talked to Logan since she'd worked at Wonder Wharf.

When everyone else had left or turned in for the night, Louise sat on the couch with a Hawk and Chick movie on in the background. She flipped open her phone and felt the lump rise in her throat again. As she thumbed the keypad on her phone, she went through her contact list, making her way down to Tammy's number. She was going to delete it, then she was sure she'd be absolved of this dreadful feeling or any future temptation to collect information on her enemies. Louise's breath hitched when she saw Logan's name highlighted in her contact's list.

"Nosy. What did you do, put your number in there?"

"You wish, Loganberry. I wouldn't disrespect myself like that."

"Would you disrespect yourself by adding my number in your phone?"

"In your trust-fund baby dreams."

Louise felt a small swell of anger blossom in her chest. That bastard had put his number in her phone! How conceited did he have to be to think she'd just want to call him up after one night of bar chatter? The swell of anger was replaced by the lump rising in her throat again.

"I don't need this," Louise muttered to herself, throwing her phone onto the couch. She bundled up and grabbed the keys to the restaurant. Looks like 2.0 is going out for a spin after all, she thought, as she headed down to load some inventory into the food truck.