A/N: For all of my lovely followers. The lyrics I used are from "Time of the Season" by The Zombies, a groovy 1968 song.
"…oh, that is just terrible to hear." Alice's sympathetic tone was genuine enough as she patiently listened to my weekly calls; each Wednesday I called, I would hope beyond hope that Edward was in the background. But I was left empty-handed every time. "But perhaps this is what God has in his plans." She added cautiously, playing on my love and faith in Our Savior. It wasn't God's plan to separate us, that was just preposterous of her to conjure! I prayed day and night that my ex-fiancé would pick up the telephone and call me up- my knees would beg for mercy but I was relentless. "He hasn't returned any of your phone calls or answered any of your messages, so that is obviously a sign." I faltered for a minute at her revelation. Had I told her about sending those disgustingly desperate pleas for a second chance? Surely I didn't, I hadn't told a soul about them! It was only Edward that knew, and perhaps his secretary… oh, dear. A blush stained my face.
Edward probably had a field day with those notes, bragging about his superiority over me in the relationship. By now, his entire family could have known about our situation and my desperate act to get him back! "What do you mean by that?" I hated the defensive tone I was took, but I honestly couldn't help it. Alice was insinuating that this was the end, that he and I were finished forever.
"Well, nothing bad." Ali clarified quickly. "Bella, you two have been split up for two months now. Maybe it's time to move on and find another fella." I leaned my elbow on the maple coffee table beside my chair, covering my tear-stricken face with one hand and holding the heavy receiver to my ear with the other. I really wished I could move on, but actions were harder than spoken word. It was easy to say "I've moved on" but in practice it was too difficult to even begin. Edward and I made so many plans for the future; we turned a house into a home, he took the only god-given virtue I had- my virginity! He was the man I was meant to marry, Edward was it for me. No one else. "Why won't you? My brother gave you the countryside home, the Model T, all of your jewelry and furs… you have everything, Bella. You can start a new life anywhere you'd like, or rewrite your current one."
My eyebrows drew together in a wave of anger I no longer knew I was capable of; for an excess of eight weeks I pouted in solitary and cried my poor eyes out. Pictures of us and memorabilia littered the hallways and rooms of this place… I was slowly dying of suffocation in my own house. But Alice was suppose to be my best friend, the one that knew me inside and out better than anyone else in this world! I wanted to unload this on my cousin, Rosa, but it just wasn't fair of me. From what Ali leaked, her relatiosnship with Emmett was blossoming finely wherein he spent almost all of his time in the innercity of Chicago with her and not at work. I refused to be a damper on her happiness because she definitely deserved it. "I can't walk away from this, Ali."
"Well why not?" She spat out at long last, as if she had been holding it in all along. My eyes watered dangerously at the thought that the last person that believed in our relationship no longer did. "He's got on with his life, that's what these wiseguys do. Why can't you?"
"Because I love him!" I cried angrily. Edward was the last person I had, besides distant family and friends from what I considered my past life, and now that he was gone I felt like I had no one. I didn't eat, sleep, or even fully function like I had just months before… I was just here waiting for him to return, like some sordid, medieval damsel in distress awaited her knight in shining armor. As far as Alice was concerned, we were absolutely done for and all waiting on my part was just a waste of breath.
She let out a lengthy sigh and spoke closer to the receiver, as if she were trying to hide our conversation from the rest of the world. "Look, Bella, I'm only telling you this because we're friends… Edward is seeing another lass, buts he's playing it very careful because of the unwanted press it'd bring. You know, because technically the social circles of Chicago still think you two are engaged. That's all I'm gonna say." Her hushed tone and secretive manner made me feel dirty and desperate for even listening in.
But I couldn't deny that it broke my god damn heart to hear it. Another woman… what did she look like? Did she come from good breeding? Was she an Italian, from another prominent mafia-tied family as well? "He's going around with someone else?" I sounded pathetic to even my own ears, but all I could do was wipe the hot tears away and pay closer attention. My pearl colored nails dug into the tweed fabric of my skirt suit; I had to open and close my eyes a few times to shake off the sudden fatigue I was feeling. It was as though my entire world was falling apart in these few minutes. "Who is she? What's her name? What does she look like?" I choked back a sob as I pondered on my own questions, which were out of my mouth before I even had the chance to stop them. All I could see was Edward holding onto some beauty queen gumad, a drink in his hand and a long smirk on his face as they enjoyed the view of the French Riviera together.
"Bella… he's moved on by seeing another woman. That's all I can tell you, it's all you need to know." My ex sister-in-law stressed the last part once more. I wiped my runny nose with the bunched up tissue in my hand and gripped the khaki colored phone tighter.
"Don't feed me that bullshit! You said you were my friend- friends tell friends the truth, the whole truth. Don't hold anything back, I need to know." I would go crazy trying to guess the gory details all on my own if she decided it was suddenly against her morals to gossip about family. For some stupid reason, I almost thoroughly convinced myself that once I heard the entire truth, I would feel much better. That was very, very stupid of me.
"Are you for certain?" This was pure torture, and she knew it. "Eddie's been seeing her for a few weeks, and he's confided in me that he's real sweet on her. She's tall, leggy with dark, blonde hair… comes from a family we've been long-time friends with since my dad was kid." I let out a tortured cry- she was perfect, everything that I wasn't. It would have been easier to hear she was some stupid chorus girl for Broadway or a lowly barmaid from town. No, she had to be a ritzy blonde girl from an equally important family as the Cullencianos! "My mom's buzzing about a soon wedding; I'm guessing because all of your wedding stuff was already paid for and such." Alice was babbling on like we were talking about a gossip topic on the Sunday paper, not the ruins and shambles that were currently pieces together as my life. I wanted to turn over and die, and if the ground spontaneously opened up and swallowed me whole I would not mind it one bit. Not only was she taking my man, but she was possibly obtaining my dream wedding and my spot in Edward's life.
"They're getting married." I stated in a robotic manner, feeling like such a fool.
"Nothing's official." She piped up.
"They're getting married." I parroted my earlier words. Edward had moved forward in a big way, and I was suddenly faced with a challenge that I hadn't really considered on a serious note. I could either rush to him and prove my undying love, or I could walk away forever and make the best of the rest of my life. I could get out of Chicago, start a small boutique out of the country if I wanted to! There was enough money in my old account to make the next move in my life, I just had to decide what it was going to be.
A sitcom came on the television that night, one with too much drama and too little comedy for my liking; it was about a husband wife, dealing with the trials and tribulations of everyday life as a couple. They were two against the world always, no matter the obstacle life threw their way. It struck a painful cord within me, causing my brain to shut right off and another, more primal part of me to take over. Looking back, I hated watching my self spiral right out of control but it was one of those right of passages that was more than necessary. Almost akin to pages right out of the Bible, I had to feel the most horrendous pain in my life in order to move right past this obstacle in life- I had to completely surrender my body, mind, and soul to a rather insane aspect within me.
It was a part of my being that I hadn't even known existed. Hidden deep within myself, an animalistic woman arose from what seemed like the depths of an unholy to wreck havoc and bring peace all in one night. I remember clearly switching off the television set and made a bee line for the open, now unlocked liquor cabinets- I grabbed a bottle of 200 year old scotch, popped the top off, and began drinking right from the bottle like a piggish sailor. Without much intention, I walked into both living rooms and began to destroy everything in sight. The white furniture, the crystal knick knacks, hell- I even ripped the wallpaper from the walls like a mad man. Next the pictures on the walls went; I tossed, broke, ripped them apart with my bare hands like it was the most natural thing in the world. "He doesn't love you." I reminded myself, taking another long drink from the glass bottle as I climbed the stairs. Although clad in my tall, silver Dior heels I paced back and forth in our room for a good thirty minutes considering my next move. Without any further contemplation, I snatched the bottle and made my way into his old closet.
After ripping every piece of clothing off their hangers and kicking open every box of shoes, I found the desirable poison I had been looking for. I snatched the leather case from it's wooden container before gracefully strolling to my still intact vanity. There I sat primly as I smothered the fabric of my covered thighs, I shrugging off the button-up top with ease. I was left in a crème colored sleeveless shirt, still tucked into my high waist skirt. No one could possibly have noticed I was going mentally ill from my outward appearance- my spiral curls were still pinned in place and flowing over my shoulders in two practiced channels and save for a few streaks of mascara on the corners of my eyes, the makeup stayed on well throughout the night. But as I looked before me, where my fingers spread out the special delight in such a precise manner, I realized how much I was going to change things. Some called it white dragon, special sugar, powder paradise… and others called it cocaine.
In the container, I found a stiffly rolled hundred dollar bill and took it in my hands before another thought could infiltrate my mind. I saw Edward sniff this stuff once, he did like it was the easiest thing in the world. All of the other times I found traces of it on his clothes, his money, his nostrils… but I shut my mouth, pretended he wasn't betraying me by occasionally turning to a drug for a release I couldn't give him. Alice was told me that everyone did it, it wasn't so uncommon in their lifestyle. I knew where he kept it, though he assumed he was "hiding" the poison away from me so I wouldn't be attracted to the dangerous allure of it. A few times, I considered flushing it down the toilette just to get a rise out of him. It was a big supply, and I definitely knew it cost over a thousand dollars- Edward used to joke that it was a rich man's drug, but poor men killed to have just a taste on their tongues. I never laughed, even if he used that statement like a punch line when he had too much to drink.
What's your name?
Who's your daddy?
Is he rich- is he rich like me?
Has he taken the time,
To show you what it is to live?
I drew it in a straight line and held the rolled bill in one hand, glaring down at the empty ring finger before me. Edward would kill you if he saw you now, a soft voice screamed inwardly. "He moved on. He left you." I said aloud, staring down at the coke like it was the most disgustingly beautiful gift in the world. "He doesn't care about you. You need to start living." My teeth were grit together so hard that I was surprised words could even come out in the first place. "Stop being his stupid, naïve bitch. He loves her, not you. Let go. "
That was all it took for me to release every inhibition I held onto- I bent down and closed one nostril as I dipped my head to snort in as much of the fine Peruvian I possibly could. Nothing could prepare me for the sensation- not when I sniffed a pinch of salt on a dare as a kid, not when I was punched in the nose by my older cousin, not even the ball of pain in my chest when I first heard that Edward decided he wanted to marry another woman. I fell back against the chair in a roughish manner, causing it to topple to the side and take me with it. The sting started at the septum of my nostrils and moved down my throat until it made its way to my upper chest; I was on my hands and knees, trying to claw at my shirt to make the feeling go away. It was like my skin was turning inside out, a completely surreal sensation if I ever felt one. Like an out of body experience, with no control at all.
I pulled at my hair like a maniac, trying to stop the swirling voices in my head from dripping right out of my ears. The voices were soft and angry, telling me horrible things that stemmed from childhood all the way unto this situation at hand. Then the room started to slowly spin as if I were on a child's merry-go-round, and I felt like I was sitting on the ceiling and all of the furniture was hanging upside down. The shirt I wore was too constricting, so I ripped it off with formerly unknown strength. My heels started to feel like moon boots dragging my feet along, causing me to kick them off and crawl towards my vanity once more. Was my face on right? Did I still have hair? Was I really hanging from the ceiling? I stared at the mirror, but it wasn't my reflection I saw. It was my mother instead.
"Look at you." Rene sneered down at me. I titled my head to get a better look at her. Was this real? Was I just imagining all of this? It felt so real. "Look at you, you pathetic little bitch." She spat the horrible word at me like venom. "You've resorted to drugs. God is watching, he is judging you. You will go to hell, young stupid slut." I started crying at her evil words, at her realizing every single fault of mine. "This is why Edward left you. You are crazy, insane, not all there- your parents left you and so did he. You have no one, you're alone in this world and left to rot in the fiery pits of hell for all eternity-"
"No!" I screamed in horror. My fist connected with the mirror and it shattered into a million little shards around me. I didn't feel the blow, and nor did I feel the blood dip from my cracked skin at all; it was like I was invincible, nothing could hurt me. The thought brought a brightness to my life that I hadn't seen before- I stood up and walked around the room, surveying my lame existence for what it was. A pair of scissors laid silently on the beside, where I used them last night to cut out my favorite characters from Vogue. I snatched them up and gripped a few locks of my precious brown hair before snipping away like a careless child would. I went around my head, doing the same to random sections until I felt it was the right style- with no mirror or professional shears, I was sure I probably ruined the hair my mother worked so hard to groom for me. I don't care, I suddenly thought. I don't care about anything.
I tossed the pictures and lamps from the bedside against the walls, then went inside my closet. "He gave you everything… all of your jewelry and furs." Alice's words revisited my as I looked around- none of this belonged to me, it was all Edward's. One by one, I yanked the fancy fabrics and silky nightgowns from their hangers and ripped them by hand. "Fuck you, Edward." I breathed out, but it suddenly felt like no more breath could leave or enter my lungs. I dropped the Russian hat I was currently working at and clutched my bare throat- I was hyperventilating, and it was quickly getting out of hand. I ran back to the main bedroom and searched for anything that could help me- water, oxygen, an asthma pump… but there was nothing.
Thinking quickly, I scampered into the hallway and reached for the landline. I dialed a set of practiced numbers and loosely held the receiver to my face, not quite remembering which end I was supposed to speak into and which one I could hear through- but it didn't matter, the jumble of noises I let out wouldn't be considered speaking anyway. It was beyond me how to put a sentence together- did the "h" come before the "e" in "help"? Why was I so panicked in the first place? A voice called out to me from the telephone, but my mind was spinning so fast I was getting dizzy just keeping my eyes open.
So I closed them.
And I never felt so free as I did in that moment.
A/N: Who did she call? Is Alice telling her the truth? Where does it go from here? Read on to see.
Yes, Bella just did coke. Yes, its wrong and I don't condone the use of drugs in any way, shape, or form. This was obviously VERY stupid of her.