Usual disclaimers apply - I don't own anyone
"The birth was tough, we couldn't get the baby breathing, she didn't even open her eyes."
Jeff's eyes clouded in memory at Virgil's words, memories long buried in the deepest recess of his mind flooded back. An icy hand gripped his heart filling it with the pain and fear from years past, looking up the commander came face to face with his employees or his sons as he liked to call them. Their worried expressions brought him back from the abyss of the past.
"Father, are you alright?" Scott asked, searching with voice and eyes for a way to help his father. Jeff breathed deeply and calmed himself before nodding, letting Virgil continue with his recount of the rescue.
"Ah well, the mother sustained heavy trauma that's what the doctor said caused the baby to be stillborn." That word hit him like a knife through the heart. Stillbirth. Stillborn. She was most defiantly still when my daughter was born, still and lifeless. The internal monologue inside Jeff's mind replayed the entire day once more, every painful minute of that fateful day, but here and now was not the place to do this. Making the decision to end the debriefing, Jeff fled to his rooms. Once alone in his private solace he could open the gate, tears flowed from slate eyes the silence only broken by the heavy breathing as he struggled to maintain minimal control. Wordlessly the grey haired father retrieved a small box from the back of the dressing room, and put it on the small writing desk by the large window; seating down Jeff hands went to open the box. It was pastel pink with a ribbon motif; the ribbon in the centre was shaped into a 'T'. He knew if he went through with it, there was no going back, no running away, but could the boys take it. Would they be alright with their father hiding this bombshell from them all this time?
Taking a deep breath Jeff opened the box.
28 year old memories looked out at him from the box; pulling out the top picture he studied the black and white image. It was her first ultrasound. A ghost smile crossed his features as he remembered the excitement of the day. Lucy had been so thrilled that the day had finally come; she was finally getting to see the child growing inside her. Jeff recalled how no matter how much he inspected the picture, he just could not see a baby or anything that resembled a foetus, Lucy had been annoyed that he was unable to determine their unborn offspring on the screen. Putting the old photo to one side, Jeff reached once more into the box.
Next Jeff gently picked up a small parcel, pink tissue paper protected the soft contents, wrinkled hands peeled back the layers. A miniature white dress lay neatly folded before him complete with knitted jacket, booties and mittens, each piece handcrafted by his own mother, unworn, unused. Lucy had been looking forward to bringing her little girl home from the hospital in this outfit. Reverently placing the clothes to one side, the aging father turned his attention back to the box of memories. Congratulations cards sat beneath the clothes, the doctor had advised that they wait until the third month before telling everyone, at 3 months pregnant Jeff and Lucille help a large barbeque on the farm for friends and family. For that one day Lucy was to a queen, people especially mother, bent over backwards to make sure she was comfortable and for a while Lucy was happy. That was until she grew tired of all the fussing, "I'm pregnant, not made of china!" Lucy had yelled then stormed inside the house, it was up to him, to go and see to his wife. But she did calm down and the celebrations continued into the night, Jeff chuckled at the memory.
More ultrasound pictures, each one more beautiful than the last. The last ultrasound before the birth, only a week before the birth and he could see all the features on his unborn daughters face. She turned and faced the scanner that day, the 3D image shone on the screen. Feelings stirred once again in the aging father, sadness mixed with the urge to protect the small bundle growing inside his expecting wife.
Right at the bottom was a photo in a simple silver frame; Jeff knew what it was without having to look. This memory needed to be shared with his family; he hoped it wasn't too late. Gathering his remaining strength, Jeff summoned his sons, a few minutes later a shuffling and a hushed discussion could be heard outside the door.
"Is someone going to knock?"
"I'm not, nothing good ever happens when I get dragged into Dad's room."
"Did we do something wrong on the rescue?"
"It can't be that, we done everything by the book on that job."
"Oh someone just do something."
"Fine I'll do it."
A knock on the door.
"Come in." Jeff surprised himself with how steady his voice was. 5 grown men walked into his private sitting room, he was thankful that Brains had decided to spend some time on TB5, no longer had to repeat himself. "Take a seat boys." Jeff prompted, noting how tense his sons were.
"Boys, I've called you here to talk to you. You see-"
"Dad, we will support you whatever you decide." Scott spoke up; worry and fear laced though his deep voice. Jeff suppressed an involuntary laugh at his eldest son's 'mother hen'.
"Thank you Scott" and nodded a small smile in his direction. "You see. The thing is." The aging father paused, searching his brain for the right words. "Boys, you had an older sister." At that moment Jeff was positive the earth had stopped spinning; there was not a sound from the island, both inside and outside the room.
"Are you alright, boys please say something." Jeff spoke after what felt like an eternity of silence.
"When did this happen, where is she, why didn't you tell us before?" Scott's questions fired at him, each one had a sharp edge of bitterness. Jeff swallowed and tackled the first enquiry.
"It was shortly after your mother and I married, I was always away on missions with the USAF so we both decided not to start a family until the missions ended. About 3 weeks after the honeymoon your mother decided to arrange a meal out at a restaurant, something at the time I thought was strange as she had not been well recently. Lucy had just come back from seeing the doctor that day, all she had told me was that she had news. The waiter had not long brought the starter when she told me the news." At that moment Jeff was no longer on Tracy Island, but a million miles away in memory.
"I was over the moon about it; I think I must have told everyone in the restaurant that night, nothing could have wiped the smile from my face. The doctor had advised us to keep the announcements to a minimum until the end of the first trimester, that way was out of the dangerous period. On that day we held a huge BBQ on the farm, your grandmother out did herself, my father was horrified just how much she spent on this party. 'It's not every day you get to celebrate the coming of your first grandchild' she would say when Dad would start to argue, but it was a wonderful day. Your mother looked radiant, they say pregnant women have a glow and she was beautiful."
"Yeah, I remember mom did look pretty when she was carrying them lot" Scott motioned to the younger siblings who were sitting in silence soaking in every memory and feeling about their mother who was gone before they could know her.
Virgil smiled at the memory of his mother pregnant with his brothers; she did have a glow about her, even when dealing with Scott, John and himself. He did wonder as to why his father was telling them now and had not said anything sooner, but he was sure his father would tell them all.
Jeff took a breath and continued with his memories. "The pregnancy carried on like textbook for the remaining weeks, every scan was normal, every test was perfect. We planned everything, chose the buggy and all the nursery furniture which your grandmother refused to let us keep at the USAF housing 'Temping fate' she said. The thing I will never forget was feeling her kick for the first time it was magical, don't get me wrong, I felt the same way with all of you, it's something I pray you will all feel when the time comes."
"As Lucy came closer to her due date, she became more and more tired but we were assured that everything was normal and the pregnancy was ok. She was 40 weeks and 3 days when her labour pains started, I remember I had just returned from a hectic 2 days of flight training and wanted nothing more than to sit down and spend time with my wife and enjoy a beer. But as it turns out our little lady had other ideas."
"Jeff erm I think we need to go to the maternity hospital now." Lucy called lightly to her husband who was becoming engrossed in the football on the tv "It's getting a bit painful now" she finished clutching onto the back of the dining chair
"Yes darling we can go to the maternity hospital… wait what?" Jeff startled and jumped off the sofa immediately running frantically around the living area "It's coming now, how many seconds apart are they? Have your waters broken? Where's the hospital bag?" questions came thick and fast as Jeff's' panic took over. Lucy looked over at her husband of a year and shook her head laughing.
"Jeff, calm down it's just the beginning, we've probably got hours yet before the baby appears, and anyway the bag is in the car where it has been for the past 6 weeks. Come on we'll call the hospital on the way. Oh and don't forget to call your mom or she'll never forgive us." She called as she walked out the room towards the front door.
The ride to the maternity hospital was a long one as Jeff refused to go over any bumps in the road or take any sharp corners, this only made Lucy's discomfort grow, her only salvation was the ear bashing Jeff got for not informing his mother sooner that Lucy was in labour. Finally the couple arrived at the ward and were shown to a private delivery room where a kind midwife took all Lucy's observations and got the gas and air ready should she need it. The midwife had some trouble finding the baby's heartbeat but after an ultrasound it showed that the placenta had moved and was shielding the baby from the Doppler monitor. After a quick consultation with the doctor the midwife decided that it was ok and the labour would go ahead as agreed in Lucy's birth plan.
30 minutes later Mrs Tracy senior arrived.
"Jefferson Tracy, how could you leave this poor girl in pain for this long before taking her to the hospital? This is not one of your air force manoeuvres that you must keep to the time scheduled; she is having YOUR child and needs looking after." Jeff paused for a few seconds making sure she had finished her speech. He knew what he wanted to say and what she should say, he couldn't decide what one yet.
"Yes mother you are right; I brought Lucy here as soon as I could." He knew it was easier to just agree with his mother than to fight her on a point. At that moment Lucy grabbed his hand making a light whimper and squeezed for a few seconds and then relaxed against the pillows. "Was that a bad one sweetheart?" he asked, worry and concern for his young wife etched on his face.
"It was a little worse than the last ones but I can handle it."
"Ok, but use the gas that's what it's there for, the midwife said so." Lucy nodded and closed her eyes, taking some deep breaths to calm herself. She had read not long ago that breathing exercises during early labour can keep the pain low and the whole experience less stressful for her and the baby.
The labour progressed smoothly for the next 4 to 5 hours, Jeff and Mrs Tracy taking it in turns to sit with Lucy keeping her calm and making idle chitchat to pass the time. The contractions had been steadily getting more powerful as the hours wore on, yet Lucy stuck to the gas and air for pain relief despite being offered pethidine, diamorphine and even an epidural. It was during the latest exam by the midwife that the magic words were said. "Right Lucy it's time to go down to the delivery room, you're ready to have this baby." From behind the curtain Lucy could hear Jeff's whoops of excitement; this was when she was going to need him the most.
The delivery room was a large sterile room at the end of the corridor, everything was there that could possibly be needed for the birth. The bed stood towards the end of the room with the head against the wall, oxygen and gas and air cylinders stood on either side, cupboards lined the right-hand wall with a counter underneath, while the crib and scales stood to the left. Once she was settled on the bed Jeff and Mrs Tracy were allowed in, each one in disposable scrubs and a hat, Jeff was on her left and mother to her right.
"Right Lucy, on your next contraction I want you to push, give me a long push to get this baby moving." The midwife ordered firmly. Lucy nodded and bared down making very little sound and pushed hard "That's good Lucy well done, give me another and we might see baby's head" Jeff could only marvel at the sight of his beautiful wife performing this miracle, he gripped her hand tightly as another contraction washed over his Lucy and she gripped his hand in return. On the 3rd contraction the midwife could see the head.
"Right, now I want short breaths like panting, this next bit must be slow." The commanding voice of midwife was soothing to Lucy. "Well done Lucy the head is almost out… and the head is out. Did you want to feel it?" Lucy nodded and let her hand be guided to a warm soft mount of skin with ultra-fine hair.
"I want to hold my baby."
"You will sweetie, not long to go now then the next generation of Tracy's will finally be here." Mrs Tracy soothed and wiped her brow with a cool cloth. While the midwife was checking the baby's head she suddenly pushed the alert button on the wall and immediately issued her orders.
"Lucy I need to get this baby out now, it's nothing to worry about but I may need some help from the doctors. Right on your next contraction I want a big push, the biggest you can give me." Lucy nodded panic filled her face, she turned to Jeff who was like stone his eyes stuck to the midwife busy working behind the small privacy sheet. Feeling the contraction building she pushed with all her might. Good one shoulder free. Next contraction the 2nd shoulder came out, 3rd contraction the baby slipped into the waiting arms of the midwife. The cord was immediately cut and the baby passed to the waiting paediatrician as nurses swarmed around the crib.
"What's happened? Why have they taken my baby?" Lucy's voice was lost the room, she turned again to Jeff who was now white with fear, yet tried desperately not to show it and worry his wife even more.
"Lucy. Lucy listen to be me, the doctor is taking care of your daughter, but first I need to get the placenta out ok?" Yet again the midwife's voice was firm yet caring; Lucy nodded and pushed with her next contraction, freeing the afterbirth. "Well done Lucy, now you just relax, I'll go and see what's happening with your little girl."
"Lucy did she say a girl?" Jeff's voice was soft and quiet. "We have a daughter?" Lucy smiled at him as the joy washed over his face.
"The first Tracy girl for 3 generations, that's just what this family needed to shake things up a bit." Mrs Tracy joined in the celebrations. Their private time was ended by the arrival of the paediatrician.
"Hello Mrs Tracy, I'm Dr Hunnicutt. I'm so sorry to inform you that due to unknown circumstances we have been unable to find a heartbeat despite all attempts to get her heart started. I am so very sorry. The nurses are cleaning her now if you would like to see her?" Lucy nodded mutely and turned back to issue the orders to his staff.
Time stopped right then. The earth stopped moving. How could god or any celestial being take a child who was so very much wanted. Jeff felt hurt, angry, betrayed by the people he would put his trust into.
The room slowly cleared and the midwife came over with a small bundle wrapped in white blankets, placing it gently into Lucy's arms. Looking down she saw the most beautiful face framed by soft dark hair, her skin still held a warm glow. Looking up at Jeff and his mother they all held the same expressions of awe and anguish looking down at the tiny human in her arms. After 15 minutes the midwife came over to check Lucy over for any injuries from the birth, once cleaned up the small family was moved to a special room.
The room was calm and peaceful a large bed stood in the middle of the room with a beautiful wooden cot to one side, Lucy sat on the edge of the bed and stared down into the cot at the tiny baby still waddled in the soft blanket.
"She looks like she's sleeping Jeff" Lucy said softly, her fingers stroking the silky skin of her child's cheeks. Jeff nodded and smiled as he bent over to hold his daughters hand.
"Can I ask, had you thought of a name for your baby? If not we can keep it as baby Tracy for the records." A nurse asked from the corner of the room.
"Yes she does have a name, she is Katherine Lucy Tracy." Jeff uttered not taking his eyes off the small human in front of him.
"A strong name for a strong lady" Mrs Tracy spoke from the corner of the room; where she had kept her silence and thoughts so not to intrude on the young couple in their moments of grief. "I will go and inform your father if you would like me to do that?" he nodded as she left the room to find a vidphone; he knew he would not be able to utter the words to tell his father his first grandchild was dead. The nurse left a moment later and finally the young couple were alone.
"Jeff." Lucy whispered looking into the dark eyes of her husband and best friend, seeing the grief behind a paper thin veil and the tears that threatened to fall, she could no longer hold them back and they wept.
Time stopped inside that room, Katherine was dressed in a pink satin and lace dress and pictures were taken by the nurses if the family wished for them. Soon Katherine started to go cold despite the CuddleCot preserving her temperature, the decision was made to say their final goodbyes and let Katherine be taken away to the morgue. More tears fell, they allowed the grief and anger to be released within the safety of the room, a therapists services were offered should the family need them and funeral directors were called to take little Katherine into their care until her burial could be arranged.
"We left the hospital the following day after your mother was fully discharged, it took a long time for things to settle, and luckily the Air Force was very good and allowed me to go on compassionate leave. The hospital did an investigation and post mortem and found no cause as to why she was stillborn, but we knew she was sent to us for a reason we just didn't know it then."
"Where is she buried dad?" Alan asked the tracks of his tears lined his cheeks "Is she with mom?" Jeff shook his head.
"No she has her own plot that I will visit every year on her birthday; it is near to your mothers though."
"Do you have a picture we could see of our sister?" Virgil asked his sensitive eyes not even beginning to hide the whirlwind of emotions flowing through him. Jeff nodded and passed the pictures around except the one in the silver frame that was a very powerful photograph and memory for Jeff but maybe now was the time to share it with his sons.
"I do have a picture of your mother with Katherine if you would like to see it?" Jeff asked holding out the photo to Scott who nodded mutely and took the frame. The picture was a colour photo of Lucy sitting propped up in the bed looking down into the delicate features of Katherine while Jeff stood behind her looking on at the 2 most important women in his life.
"She's beautiful dad, they both are." Scott said finally and passed the photo to John who was sitting next to him.
"Where did the name Katherine come from?" John asked
"Well I was trying to get into NASA at the time and was reading about the friendship 7 missions, I remembered reading about an amazing mathematician called Katherine Johnson and it felt right."
Gordon sat up and looked his father in the eye. "Dad, next time you go to see her, we are going too. We all want to pay our respects to our sister." He looked at his brothers each one with the same determined expression. "Oh, when is her birthday, you never said"
"It's the 30th September, so this time next month. I just want to say thank you to you boys for being so understanding to me and for not being angry about the decision not to tell you about your sister." He felt lighter as if a weight he had carried about for all these years was finally lifted.
"Dad we are a family and families stick together and support each other through all sorts of hardships." Scott said locking onto his father's eyes
Jeff smiled at his sons, each one with their own piece of Lucy held deep with themselves. Scott with his leading nature, Jeff certainly wasn't the boss when Lucy was around. Virgil had her creative and artistic talents; John the awe and lust for knowledge; Gordon well Jeff didn't have to look far to find out where his tricks came from. Lastly Alan who was the keeper of Lucy's' temper and boy did she have a temper. He did have to wonder, what part of Lucy Katherine would have gained.