Chapter Seven- Boruto

When I first realized my feelings for Kawaki, I thought I understood what it meant. I was okay with it and saw it as a crush, something that wouldn't change anything between us. I was wrong. All I did was put it off, not realizing that my feelings would grow and grow until they exploded. It drove me insane. One day I would want to be as close as possible to him and the next I wanted to punch his lights out. It was hard enough dealing with growing up, these last few years went faster than the rest, but everything I was learning and going through made me upset. I wanted things to be normal, but they couldn't be. Not anymore.

I liked Kawaki.

I wanted to be with him . . . romantically. I could accept that. I was fine with that, but what was I supposed to do about it? I couldn't just go for it, right? I had no idea how he would react if I told him and it could end up pushing him away. I knew we would always be friends, but that didn't mean he would be comfortable being around me when I saw him in that way. I wasn't scared of rejection, I could deal with that. I was afraid that he couldn't be around me without thinking about how I felt, that things would be weird between us. I didn't want him to push me away because he felt uncomfortable.

Sometimes I wished he would figure it out on his own and other times I was worried he would notice. I couldn't stand it when girls threw themselves all over him and even more so when they did it to me, I didn't swing that way. It made me angry having them around and even I got surprised with how jealous I got when it came to Kawaki, it was really intense. I didn't want girls so much as looking at him like that, I got so worked up in a matter of seconds. More often than not I had to bite my tongue and not say anything or else I would give myself away.

It would get to the point that I only wanted him to look at me and that's when I got angry with myself. I couldn't do this to him, what right did I have? He was just my friend and I had no say in who he got close with. I was making things hard on the both of us and I realized that. I got frustrated with my feelings and sometimes ended up taking it out on him, straining our friendship. I was going to end up ruining everything if I didn't get a hold of myself, but it was hard. I liked him, I really liked him.

I tired to do things differently, going as far as to agree to spend some time alone with that girl at the party we went to. I thought maybe I could get over it . . . but it didn't work like that. I just wasn't into girls. I knew that and yet I tried to force myself. I was so stupid. I didn't like it when she touched me, her intentions made my skin crawl. She was constantly rubbing my arms and shoulders and I drew the line when she tried to kiss me. I didn't feel bad ditching her as fast as I could, glad she took the hint and stayed away from me for the rest of the night.

However, that was only the beginning of the shit that went down that night. I didn't want to go back to Kawaki and decided to wander around on my own. I had regretted coming along and wished things were simple, like they used to be when we were children, everything was so easy then. I ended up drowning my sadness in liquor and tried the different drinks they had at the party. That was a bad idea all on its own, but it made everything else seem more raw. That's why it hurt more than it should have when I saw Kawaki with that girl. All the alcohol had made me sick, but the disgusting sight before me is what turned my stomach and the next thing I knew I was running to the nearest bathroom.

I didn't expect Kawaki to follow me and I didn't want to be anywhere near him. It felt like a slap in the face, especially since he had better things to be doing. What did he care if I was sick or not? What did he care if I was there or not? He seemed just fine on his own with that bitch, what did he need me for? I didn't want him to help me. I didn't want him to touch me, but I was in no state to push him away. I gave up on fighting him, but I wasn't going to be nice to him after what he had done. It was shameful how much I enjoyed his attention, his touch, how I craved it. I was pissed at him and his betrayal and yet . . . I didn't want him to leave after all.

I wanted him to stay with me. I wanted him to choose me.

It seemed I was just setting myself up to get hurt. Getting angry wouldn't solve anything, it just caused more problems. We were sixteen now and I was still pouting like kid. Though Kawaki was always mature for his age, he had everything figured out and did what he wanted. When he had apologized the next morning, for a second I actually thought he was talking about kissing that girl. Just how stupid was I? I was upset at myself and him for not understanding, even though it wasn't his fault. He had tried to make me feel better and reassure me about how important I was to him. But he didn't mean it the way I wanted him to, that's what made it painful.

I was going to end up destroying our friendship if I didn't do anything so I needed to make a decision. I had to risk it and tell him how I felt or I had to hold back and try to get over him, at the very least making it so we could still be friends without him worrying and feeling uncomfortable. I fought with myself over it for a while, but I knew I needed to decide soon. However, which choice was the right one? I came close to confiding in mom and asking her what she thought, but I didn't want to put any pressure on her. She had her hands full with Himawari. Dad couldn't keep something like this a secret, I couldn't talk to him about it either unless I wanted him running his mouth to mom. It was up to me, I was on my own.

Regardless, I wanted to make things right with Kawaki while I made up my mind. I needed to grow up and stop blaming him for everything I was going through. He deserved better than that, my best friend deserved better from me. I headed up to the roof after pet club had ended, knowing Kawaki was smoking up there while he waited for me. It was pure luck he hadn't gotten caught yet.

"Hey." I greeted when I walked over to him, his grey eyes turning to me at the sound of my voice.

"Hey." He flicked his joint behind him and got up. "Ready to go?"

"Yeah." I nodded and we started going down the stairs. "Do you wanna go surfing today?"

"Really?" He sounded surprised. "Yeah, I do."

I smiled happily. "It's been too long, right? I hope I haven't lost my touch and fall on my ass."

Kawaki laughed and bumped his arm against mine. "You're totally gonna wipe out."

"Probably. Are you gonna teach me all over again?" I asked as we got to the hallway and made our way outside.

"Doubt it. I'll probably just laugh at your ass." He chuckled.

"Hey!" I laughed and pushed his arm. "Don't leave me to make a fool of myself."

"You're right. I'll have to help you out." He hummed. "But, I almost forgot… I have to go to Iwabe's later today. After we surf, I mean."

He was probably low on weed. "Okay."

"Do you… want to come with me?" He asked hesitantly.

I raised a brow at that, he'd never invited me before. "Sure, but aren't you two just going to smoke?"

"We'll smoke but Taisuke will be there. I'm getting a tattoo tonight."

"You are?" I asked excitedly. "That's so cool! Do you already know what you want?"

"I have some ideas. But not exactly." He told me as we walked. "I'm thinking about starting a sleeve though, so there will be a lot of work and a lot of sessions."

"A sleeve is over your whole arm, right? That sounds like it's going to hurt." I said, worrying a little. "During your first tattoo you didn't feel it because you were drunk."

"We can't do the whole sleeve at once. He said I wouldn't be able to take more than a few hours at a time. But I wasn't drunk when I got my second tattoo and I actually like it. It doesn't hurt like you think."

I hummed thoughtfully. "Your first one is still my favorite. Is the sleeve going to be colored?"

"If there is color it will be minimal. I might get him to draw everything up tonight, if I can make a decision."

I tried to picture it, Kawaki with a sleeve tattoo. "I can't wait to see it. Do you think if I got a tattoo it would suit me?"

He looked taken aback by my question and frowned before answering. "I… don't want you to get one."

I didn't know why exactly, but his words made me smile. "Alright, I won't. What about a piercing?" I asked teasingly.

A strange look that I couldn't place crossed his features before he scoffed. "Stop playing." He said, running a hand through his hair.

I watched the movement, his black hair falling back into place in his undercut. I couldn't remember the first time I noticed how good looking he was. Perhaps I always knew, but it never hit me like this until now. I looked away before I started to blush. We changed into our wetsuits when we got home and grabbed our surfboards, diving into the ocean. I had been so caught up in my head that I stopped doing the things I used to at home. I missed the ocean, the beach, exploring and spending time with Kawaki. I couldn't imagine what he had thought and felt and I wished I hadn't created this distance between us. I hadn't decided what to do about my feelings yet, but I would fix this. I would make it right.

I did in fact fall off my board more times than I'd like to admit, but it was still fun and Kawaki helped me get back into the feel of it. We went over to Iwabe's after and Kawaki got Taisuke to draw a sketch like he said he would. I sat and watched the process while Kawaki smoked and talked with Iwabe, wondering how he could do that with a needle in his skin. I ended up going with him for the rest of his sessions until his sleeve was finally finished a couple months later. He couldn't surf during that time because he had to let it heal between sessions, but he still wanted to watch me. Most of the time I decided to take him exploring instead though and we would hang out at the boardwalk as well. I felt like we were getting back to the way things used to be during those two months, but I still hadn't made a decision.

However, I'd have some alone time to think while Kawaki went to work with my dad during the weekend. I was surprised at first, but then felt silly for being so. Kawaki and dad had a lot in common and dad loved teaching him everything he could out on the sea. Himawari had asked to go with them, but mom shot that down quickly. I brought Himawari with me to the dock to see them off so she would cheer up and it seemed to work.

"Bye, daddy! Bye Kawaki!" She yelled even though they were standing right in front of us. "Be safe!"

"Bye cutie." Kawaki said, kneeling down to kiss her forehead. "See you in a couple days."

Himawari giggled before reaching up to hug him. Then dad picked her up in a tight hug, leaving kisses all over her face as she squealed.

"I've got a job for you." I told Kawaki as he stood back up.

"Oh?" He quirked a brow and smiled at me. "Like what?"

"Draw me some pictures of what you see out there, especially if you run into a storm." I grinned.

His expression softened and he bumped his fist against my chest. "You got it."

Himawari and I watched as they got on the ship, waving once it pulled off and left the dock. Mom and Himawari had some play dates planned for the weekend so I ended up staying over at Shikadai's house. Metal was off on some training trip with his dad which to this day I still didn't understand. What were they even training for? I knew there was something different about Shikadai when I saw him, but I couldn't put my finger on it. We lazed around his house for a while and played both board and video games until we stopped to eat. It was then that I finally realized what had changed.

"What's that in your mouth?" I asked him, having caught a glimpse of something silver. Shikadai chuckled before sticking his tongue out, revealing a silver ball in the center. "Is that . . . a piercing?"

"Yep." He said and put his tongue back in his mouth.

"What the hell? Since when? You didn't have that yesterday, I'm pretty sure." I didn't even know he was into piercings.

He shrugged. "Got it Monday, but you were too busy following Kawaki around to notice."

"I was not!" I protested, wondering just how much he knew. He was too smart for his own good. "Why a tongue piercing though? I know that hurt."

"Because it's cool." He said like it was obvious. "It didn't hurt too bad and I'm used to the feel of it now, but it was weird at first. I was constantly rolling it around."

I had to admit it was cool, I just didn't expect it. "Yeah? Maybe I'll get one . . ."

Shikadai snorted. "Sure you will."

"What's that supposed to mean? You think I won't?" I asked, not about to back down from a challenge.

Shikadai studied my expression before answering. "No, I don't."

"We'll see about that." I huffed and he gave me a knowing look. He really didn't think I was going to do it.

We finished eating and then went back to gaming, but it wasn't over. The next day I had him take me to the place he got it done and asked to get it. Shikadai tried to get me to change my mind once he saw I was really about to do it, but I wouldn't listen. It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would, it wasn't that bad at all. Although my tongue was swollen for the next two days. I couldn't manage to eat anything other than ice cream and Shikadai kept saying he was going to kill me if my mom blamed him for this. I didn't think she would be too upset, but she wouldn't like that I hadn't asked and talked about it with her first. It felt weird though just like Shikadai had said his felt afterwards. Kawaki and dad didn't come home Sunday night like they were supposed to and mom and I were worried. It wasn't the first time dad's schedule was a little off, but it was still unsettling.

I stayed up in the lighthouse Monday night and made sure the light kept shining to show them the way home. I didn't work the lighthouse very often and I had to commend my mom and Kawaki for being able to handle it. It was a lot of pressure and all you could do was sit and worry, waiting to hear the sound of the horn. It was so nerve wracking. I breathed a long sigh of relief when I did hear the horn and waited for a bit before I headed back to the house. Mom was more relaxed as well, having heard it too and went to work finishing up dinner with Himawari's help. I took a shower and changed into my pajamas, the sound of the front door and dad's loud voice carrying up to my room. I quickly finished drying my hair and opened my bedroom door, jumping when I saw Kawaki on the other side.

"Whoa! Welcome back." I chuckled and let him in.

"We went through the craziest storm!" He told me excitedly as he walked in and handed me a sketchpad as soon as I turned around to face him. "I barely slept." He laughed and scratched the back of his head. "I managed to finish several drawings though."

I smiled broadly at his excitement and was eager to see what he drew. "Sounds like I missed out!" I said and sat on the edge of my bed, folding my legs. "Tell me, how was it?" I asked as I started looking through the sketchpad, his talent never failing to amaze me.

"It was so fucking fun. More of a rush than I'm used to."

"Dad let you steer yet?" I asked, running my fingers fondly over one of the storm drawings, knowing it would be my favorite.

"There's a lot more to it than that… but yeah. I've come a long way."

I nodded in agreement and looked up at him. "Thank you for doing this for me."

He smiled and shrugged as if it were no big deal. "Well, I couldn't really turn you down."

I laughed at that, knowing he usually had no trouble telling people no. "Can't say that doesn't make me happy."

Kawaki's face suddenly fell and he moved closer to me, leaning down until his face was right in front of mine, barely a breath away. I stiffened just before his hand moved to grab hold of my face. "What the fuck is that in your mouth?"

My heart was beating quickly in my chest and I tried to push his hand away. "Uh, nothing."

His other hand grabbed at the back of my hair and he forced my head back. Too close. Way too close. My lips parted against my will as I sucked in a breath and he gaped at me.

"What… the fuck." He muttered, as if at a loss. "You didn't." He shook his head, eyes on my mouth. "You fucking did."

I hadn't even thought about what his reaction would be to my tongue piercing. "Surprise?"

"Why… the hell…" He shook his head again and backed away, pulling his hands away from me so fast you would have thought he'd been burned. He went pale and started looking around as he thought over something. Then he just left my room without another word.

I sighed and ran a hand through my blond hair. That could have gone worse, probably. Though it didn't go that well either. I hoped he wasn't angry with me for getting it. I might have rushed into it, but I did like it. Maybe he thought it didn't suit me. Then again I shouldn't be worrying about if he likes the way I look . . . it was clear he'd prefer a girl anyday. It made me wonder just what I expected to happen if I told him how I felt. I never worried about being rejected, I expected it, but what would be the point in saying anything? Did I want an outlet for my feelings? I thought it was because I couldn't keep it in anymore, that I couldn't keep it hidden. I thought so . . . but that wasn't really true . . . was it?

If I told him then I would try to hide it so he wouldn't have to think about it, so he wouldn't be uncomfortable around me. If I didn't tell him then I would have to hide it until I was over him, or forever if that never happened. Either way I was hiding my feelings. So what was the difference? Perhaps the decision wasn't as hard as I thought it was. I didn't have a real reason to take the risk and tell him, nothing good would come out of it. It hasn't been easy hiding my feelings, but maybe I would get better at it. It would be better that way. I decided, I wouldn't tell him. We would keep being friends without me messing it up, I would protect our friendship. That was the best solution.

I went down stairs for dinner and sat down with everyone else. Kawaki was quiet and paid attention to his food more than anything else, avoiding my gaze. I knew it was best to leave him alone for a while when he got like this, but I hated being at odds with him. He started talking to me again the next day, but he still refused to look at me. It didn't seem like he was angry, but something else that I couldn't figure out. I did my best the next few weeks and Kawaki seemed to forgive me, finally making eye contact. We kept surfing and explored sometimes when we had the time. Things were going well between us and I was able to handle it fairly well as long as I didn't get too close to him. It didn't really get easier to put my feelings aside, but I was trying and hoped it would. It looked like I could pull it off and manage to keep myself in line, that is, until I fucked it all up.

It was on a weekend when we stayed out late on the beach, surfing under the stars. Kawaki smoked for a bit in his hideout and I showed off the tricks he had taught me. It was a great night and everything was going well, so well in fact that I forgot myself and just enjoyed being with him. It started with a cheeky remark on my part and some teasing on his that had us pushing at each other and wrestling in the sand. We were laughing and having fun and I ended up pinning Kawaki on his back, but I could tell by his smirk that he let me. He stared up at me with those grey eyes and that damn smirk, his black hair full of sand and skin lit by the moonlight. It was impossible for me to resist in that moment. I liked him so much, he truly had no idea. He was more to me than just my best friend and I adored him. There was no way I could have stopped myself, absolutely no way.

I closed the distance between us and covered his lips with my own in a soft kiss. I was lost in complete bliss for all of two seconds before I realized he was tense underneath me, before I realized what I just did. I quickly got off of him and moved a few feet away, blue eyes wide in mortification. What had I done? Kawaki sat up and stared at nothing, his expression lost. What was wrong with me, I had ruined everything.

"I-I . . . I'm sorry." I whispered and got to my feet, running back to the house.

I went to my room and shut the door, breath coming out panicked. I couldn't believe I really did that. After trying so hard, after going through what I did, I let myself get carried away. I was so angry at myself and scared at what the consequences would be. He wouldn't be able to look at me the same, I destroyed the peace and comfort we shared. I had finally decided what to do, I was finally moving forward and then I screwed it all up. The tears that slid down my face were a mix of anger and sadness, my hands going up to cover my mouth and muffle my sobs. Damn it all! Things were normal between us and now it was all over. How was I going to face him? What was I going to tell him now? I had forced myself in a corner and there wasn't a way out.

It took me a long time to calm down and drag myself into the shower to wash away the sand and hopefully some of my regret. There wasn't anything I could do, it was out in the open now. I had to stop crying and think of a way to save things, to control the damage I had done. No matter what I didn't want to lose my best friend. I just had to convince him that nothing had to change, that I could still be the friend he knew and he didn't have to worry. I wasn't sure how to do that yet, but I would come up with something. I got out of the shower on shaky legs and caught sight of my puffy eyes in the mirror. I looked like I'd been watching titanic. I turned on the sink and washed my face to try to make it look better.

Then I went and changed into my pajamas, burying myself in covers when I got in bed. I hugged a pillow to my chest and tried not to get worked up again as I thought about it, what had happened and what I was going to do. I couldn't deny it. Kissing him had been . . . wonderful. It might have been short and my first, but it was perfect. I felt guilty thinking that way when I had more important things to worry about like our friendship. I didn't deserve to be thinking those things. I had to fix this and would have to face Kawaki to do it. I just had to be brave.