summary: in which connor and zoe have their first brush with death

to all of you who were concerned last chapter. welp, your concerns were justified.

tw: death (miscarriage)

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Connor and Zoe were nearly ready to explode from excitement when Larry picked them up from their respective activities the following day. Throughout the drive home, they pestered him repeatedly as to whether their new sibling was a boy or girl. He didn't answer, but instead drummed his fingers nervously on the steering wheel and said that they should wait until they got home and could "talk about this with Mummy."

When they reached home, Larry sent them to their rooms to grab a fresh change of clothes, and he went to get Cynthia from the master bedroom. When the four of them gathered downstairs, Cynthia and Larry were sitting at the table, expressions drawn and serious. Connor and Zoe glanced at each other, slightly unnerved and confused.

"Is it a boy or a girl?" Connor finally asked, a little quietly.

Larry cleared his throat. "Kids, sit down. Mummy and I need to tell you something."

They exchanged looks again as they slid into their seats.

"Kids," Cynthia started, taking a deep breath before continuing, "When we went to the doctor to find the baby's gender, we… the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat."

Zoe frowned. "So does that mean it's a boy or girl?" she asked, not comprehending the situation.

"Zoe," Larry said, reaching out to put his hand on her shoulder. "Sweetie, it's not that… we lost the baby."

"Lost?" Connor cried in consternation. "How do you lose it? It's in Mummy's tummy!"

Cynthia let out a strangled sob as Larry finally said, "Connor, Zoe, the baby died."

They froze for a moment, before Zoe echoed blankly, "Died?"

"Why did it die?" Connor asked in distress.

"We don't know," Larry continued dejectedly. "Sometimes babies die before they are born—that's called a miscarriage."

"But why do they die? They're not old yet," Zoe countered.

"Zoe, it's not just old people who die. Babies are sometimes miscarried, and we don't know why."

They sat together in silence for a while, before Connor asked in a much more subdued tone, "So, was it a boy or girl?"

"It was a boy," Larry replied. "I'm sorry, Connor."

Connor got up from his chair, pushing past his parents and ran up to his bedroom, where he flung himself on his bed, sobbing. Several moments later, Skywalker bounded in, whining in concern and licking his hands and face in an attempt to comfort him. He buried his face in her fur as he cried. Then he heard Larry's footsteps coming down the corridor.

"Connor, what's wrong?" he said, evidently worried as he crossed the room and wrapped his arms around Connor.

"It's not fair," Connor choked out as he continued to sob. "I prayed for a baby brother, and it was a boy, so why did he die?"

"I don't know why, Connor," Larry said sadly, stroking Connor's hair.

Before he could say anymore, Cynthia appeared in the doorway, tear streaks still fresh on her face. "Oh, Connor," she murmured, as she took in his expression and rushed to envelope him in a hug. He clung to her for a minute, neither of them saying a word, while Larry shifted slightly to the side of the bed to make room for both of them.

"Why do some people have to die, Mummy?" Connor finally asked as he brushed away his tears with the back of his hand. Larry gave him a tissue as Zoe joined them on the bed.

"I don't know, Connor, sometimes miscarriages happen when the baby is not healthy enough to be born, that could be one reason…" Cynthia trailed off as her voice broke and she dabbed at the corner of her eyes. Larry put an arm around her.

"So is baby in heaven?" Zoe asked.

"Yes, he is," Larry responded, using his free hand to stroke her hair comfortingly. "He's your angel brother now."

"So do I still get to be his big sister?" she asked hopefully. He nodded at her, attempting to smile but not really succeeding.

"But I don't want an angel brother, I want a born brother," Connor said sadly.

"I know, me too, Connor. But sometimes these things happen in life, and sometimes… well, sometimes you just have to be strong, okay?" Larry said, as he gave each child a kiss on their forehead before leading Cynthia back to their bedroom.

Connor spent the rest of his afternoon lying in his bed, staring at the glow stars on the ceiling and absent-mindedly running his hand over Skywalker's fur while she curled up next to him on top of the duvet.

It wasn't fair.

It just wasn't fair.

He'd prayed so hard for a baby brother and his baby brother died. And he wouldn't get to see what the baby looked like, and he wouldn't get to play with him or help to take care of him. It was not fair at all, and it made Connor angry.

And a little scared.

What was it like to be dead? Was it painful? Did you know if you were going to die? Did the baby know he was going to die?

What if someone else died?

His eyes darted to Skywalker. What if she died? What if Larry died? Or Cynthia?

Or worse—what if Zoe died? What is something really, really bad happened and then she died?

Panic seizing him, he leapt off his bed and dashed over to her room. She was sitting on the floor, arranging the miniature furniture in her dollhouse. She looked up at him, a little surprised at him bursting through the door, and he honestly felt a little silly. Of course nothing had happened! He was just imagining everything.

"Do you want to play with me?" she finally offered, holding out a figure towards him. "You can be Mr. Rabbit."

"Okay," he obliged, setting the figure along with several others at the little dining table. "They're having tea, and after that they'll play in the garden."

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Cynthia was absent from dinner that night, and Larry was the one who tucked Connor into Zoe into bed.

When he came into Connor's room, Connor was sitting in bed, wrapping his duvet tightly around his small form. "Daddy, what happens if someone else dies?" he asked, his eyes wide and terrified. "What if I die, too? When I'm sleeping?"

"Nobody is going to die tonight, Connor," Larry reassured him. "You're going to be alright."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure, Connor. Don't worry about this, Daddy will always protect you."

"And protect Mummy and Zoe, too?"

"And Mummy and Zoe," Larry smiled.

"Pinky promise?" Connor asked, extending his hand.

"Pinky promise."

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UHHH PLEASE DONT KILL ME

anyway im out of pre-written chapters so um please comment? and motivate me to write? yeah just scream at me in the comments or on tumblr ( thewickedverkaiking)

once again, PLEASE DONT KILL ME