summary: in which connor finds out about the coward's way out

tw: mentions of suicide, suicide ideation

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Ellison State Park was just over an hour's drive away, and summer break was nearly over when Larry suggested they visit it and have a day of hiking. The park was many times larger than Autumn Smiles Apple Orchard, and Connor loved the tall strong oak trees that towered above him. The weather was still warm, but there was a cool breeze blowing, which made their hike significantly more comfortable.

Shortly after noon, they stopped briefly for lunch, Cynthia having packed sandwiches and drinks for them. Around an hour later, they were continuing along the trail when they arrived at a long bridge over a rushing river. Zoe and Connor tiptoed to look over the edge of the bridge, then drew back with a frightened squeal.

"It's so high!"

"The river is so… so…" Connor hesitated, looking for the right words.

"Turbulent?" Cynthia offered.

"Yeah," he nodded. "And see, there are so many rocks," he pointed to where the water frothed and swirled around a few large rocks. Looking down, he picked up a pebble lying on the bridge and threw it down. It seemed to just disappear into the river, and he couldn't even hear the splash over the sound of the rushing water.

Zoe tapped his shoulder, "Want to play catch?"

Connor, Zoe, and Skywalker chased each other up and down the bridge, shrieking with laughter or fear when they got a little too close to the side of the bridge, to the amusement of several other hikers that happened to pass by. When they were tired out, they slowly walked back to Cynthia, still laughing, and she gave them a drink of water.

"What's Daddy looking at?" Connor asked.

"I don't know, why don't you go and find out?" she suggested.

"Okay."

Larry was standing at the midpoint of the bridge, reading an information board.

"What are you reading?" Connor queried, coming to stand by his side.

"Oh, it's the information board talking about the bridge."

Connor scanned the board. "Is the bridge's name Coward's Way?" Larry nodded. "Why?"

Larry pointed to a passage on the board. "Apparently, it got its name in the 1930's—a lot of people committed suicide by jumping off the bridge during the Great Depression."

For Connor, it suddenly felt wrong for them to have been playing on the bridge, laughing and chasing each other the way they had. It felt nearly chilling that they had been having so much fun on the very same bridge that people had come to in order to jump off and end their lives. He wondered how many people had taken the leap, and what would drive them to do such a thing.

"Who jumped off the bridge?" Zoe asked as she joined them, having only heard the last part of the conversation.

Connor searched for the passage on the board. "Some people," he finally answered, pointing at the board, "during the Great Depression, 'cause they didn't have enough money."

"But why would they jump off the bridge?" Zoe frowned. "That's just scary." She leaned over the edge again, fingers clutching the side of the railings until her knuckles turned white. "Yeah, too scary," she repeated, stepping away.

"Because they were looking for the easy way out of their problems," Larry said, "They didn't know what to do."

"But why is it called Coward's Way?" Connor asked. "I think you have to be super brave to jump off a bridge."

"Well," Larry answered seriously. "It's because a lot of people who commit suicide are considered cowards, because they don't want to go on living and facing their problems, so they kill themselves, thinking it will solve all their issues. But of course, it only creates more trouble for the friends and families that they leave behind."

"That's kinda sad," Connor finally murmured after a moment of thoughtful silence. "But I still think that it's super brave to commit suicide, because you need to be really brave to die."

"Yeah," Zoe agreed. "Because dying is scary."

Larry shook his head. "No, suicide is considered cowardly because the person is too scared to keep on living."

"Why would they be scared of living? It's dying that's scary—living is fun!" Connor exclaimed, giving a little jump as if to emphasize his point.

"Speaking of fun," Cynthia interrupted, in a bid to steer the conversation away from the bleak topic, "Why don't we head back soon, and maybe we can stop at A La Mode from some ice cream on the way home?"

"Yes! Ice cream!" The two children cheered.

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Connor looked up from his encyclopedia. "Mum?"

"What's the matter, sweetie?"

"In the book, they say that some soldiers kill themselves by eating a poisonous pill," Connor hesitated before continuing, "Is that like suicide, too?"

A look of concern flitted across her face, but she quickly masked it. "Does the book say why the soldiers do that?"

Connor opened the book, quickly flipping through the pages until he had found the passage he was referring to. "It says that during World War Two the soldiers didn't want to get caught by the enemy soldiers, so they would eat the pill and kill themselves."

"Well, you see, Con," Cynthia said, "In wartime, soldiers who are caught by the enemy are sometimes tortured for information, so to avoid giving the important information to the enemy, they choose to commit suicide instead."

Connor thought about it for a while. "So is it cowardly, too? Because they're killing themselves because they're scared of getting tortured, right?"

Cynthia paused, trying to gather her thoughts. "No… it's not. Because what they're doing is protecting their information, and not allowing the enemy to get it. Which, I guess you can say, is actually quite brave. Does that make sense?"

He nodded. "Okay," he said, picking the book back up and returning to it.

"Um, Connor," Cynthia began after a beat, a little unsure of how to broach the subject. "Is this—I know it was a few days ago, but are you still thinking about Coward's Way?"

He looked up, and opened his mouth as if to say something, then closed it again. "No," he lied. "I was just asking about the book."

She looked relieved. "Okay, good. I just didn't know if you were still thinking about—" she cut herself off. "Well, you know that you can always talk to me, right?"

"About what?"

"You know, just anything," she forced a smile.

He nodded. "Yeah, 'kay."

He went back to the book before him, but Coward's Way kept flashing before his eyes. The raging, turbulent, greenish-blue water that crashed over the grey rocks as it tumbled to who knows where. How the little pebbles they'd thrown had disappeared beneath the white, frothing surface without even making a ripple.

He wondered what it must feel like to jump off the bridge and into the water. How deep was the water? Would it hurt? Like the time he'd jumped off the diving board and smacked his chest and his face against the water in the swimming pool so hard his goggles had fallen off? How long would it take a person to die from falling in?

He put his head down on the table, squeezing his eyes shut. He didn't like thinking about these kinds of things, they made him feel uncomfortable. But every time he closed his eyes, the bridge seemed to reappear, as if to taunt him. In a sense, he regretted that they had ever seen the bridge on their hike.

Well, it wasn't the bridge itself, per say. It was situated over a beautiful location, and staring down at the rushing river had initially made him thrilled, albeit slightly scared at the same time. No, it was the fact that the bridge had been used for suicide, for people to kill themselves, that was what gave him chills.

He wanted to get all these thoughts out of his head. He didn't know why they kept coming back to him.

"Mom!" he yelled in the direction of the kitchen.

"What do you want, Connor? I'm cooking!"

"May I watch TV with Zo-Zo?"

"Yes, you may, but please limit it to half an hour, you already watched some this morning."

"Okay, thanks!" He ran over to the television, picking the remote off the couch and turning it on, flipping through the channels until he had found Animal Planet. "Zo! Do you want to watch TV with me?" he hollered up the stairs.

"Coming!" she called back, skipping down the stairs to join him on the couch.

For the next thirty minutes, Connor let himself get lost in the documentary about a pride of lions, and Coward's Way was forgotten—at least for now.

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um . i don't really like this chapter and it was a bitch to write . but it's done and posted and i hope you like it?

i had a really crazy week and i'm exhausted. but comments/kudos motivate me! so if you want more chapters... y'all know what to do ;))