Anddd another depressing Merlin fanfic. Oops. :] I promise I plan on writing more fluffy stories but this popped in my head and I just couldn't resist. I personally am not a fan of how it turned out, but hopefully somebody out there will like it. :) So, if you do be sure to lemme' know with a review!
Remember, you're loved. So, so dearly.
Disclaimer: I don't own this.
He wouldn't actually do it.
He just liked to think about it sometimes.
And sometimes, it wasn't even about that.
Sometimes it was about control.
Merlin swung his dangling legs out a bit, glancing out at the city of Camelot below him. It really was a beauitful sight to see. The heel of his foot thumped against the wall and for a moment he felt a brief bout of panic as he feared he might lose his shoe.
He snorted softly at the irony.
Here he was, sitting precariously on the ledge of the castle wall, and he was afraid of losing his shoe.
What else was there to fear?
It wasn't so much as he wanted to die, and no, he would never actually do it. But-
-but it was about knowing he could.
He could end it all, just like that. Or maybe he couldn't, destiny and all that. But for now, it was comforting believing he could.
His life was always at risk, and he woke up everyday with an enhanced chance of dying. He always thought to himself, maybe today would be the day that a sorcerer comes and he'd give it his all to fight them.
In the end they'd win, but he'd given too much and he couldn't make it any further. Camelot would consider his death a loss for the greater good.
Merlin would consider it a win.
Or perhaps-
-perhaps it wouldn't be a sorcerer. Perhaps it would be an accident during training. It would be so easy to slip up.
Or maybe it would be on a night like tonight. Where he's sitting out on the ledge and the breeze blows or he's startled or just something and before he's even realized it, he's fallen to his death.
It would be an accident, but it would still have the outcome he wanted.
Gwen would mourn. Gwaine would drown himself with alcohol - at least, even more so than he already does.
And Arthur -
He doesn't rightly know just what Arthur would do.
Be angry, perhaps. Arthur had always told Merlin that his clumsiness would be the death of him.
He doesn't know how Arthur will react.
Er, would.
Because he isn't actually going to jump. It's just, it's nice to be the one putting yourself in a dangerous situation for once, when it's always someone else trying to get you killed.
It's nice to tempt fate, sometimes.
Especially when you don't particularly care how things turn out.
He did care, though. He didn't want to die, but he wouldn't necessarily be opposed to it. It happened to everyone eventually, right?
What would be so bad if he sped things up a bit, accidentally?
He tapped his fingers against the cement, the rough edges scraping his skin. He didn't mind, though. He didn't mind much of anything, these days.
What would it be like?
Not that he would do it, but...
But he couldn't stop himself from being curious, after all. Sometimes he just wanted the thrill.
The thrill of nearly dying, the thrill of for once, being in control-
The thrill of finally, actually feeling alive.
But fate wouldn't even let him have that option, and oh, wasn't that so fittingly cruel-
"Merlin?"
His body stilled in rhythm of his heart stopping.
Poor choice of words, dear Merlin.
He knew that voice.
He knew that voice oh-so-well.
He didn't dare move, in hopes that he would go away, please go away-
"Merlin." It wasn't a question that time. He didn't turn around, not wanting to admit he'd been found, not wanting to accept it. "What are you doing?" Arthur's voice was light, hesitant.
Merlin shrugged.
"Just admiring the city of Camelot," He explained, his own voice a little taut.
"You can do that from behind the ledge, idiot." Arthur joked, voice light but the strain behind was enough to constrict Merlin's chest.
"'S prettier from here."
"Merlin-" Arthur's voice caught but that couldn't be, because why would his voice sound so-
-so pained?
"Come down from there." Gone was the hesitancy, and this sounded more like the Arthur he knew.
"But-"
"Merlin, please," He sounded desperate now, but that couldn't possibly be because why would he beg?
Merlin nodded, turning back around without so much as a final glance because if he looked back down he might not have the strength to return to the ground Arthur was standing on-
His feet hadn't even hit the ground before a hand clung onto his wrist and yanked him down and he was face to face with a stone faced Arthur but his eyes were glistening, and that didn't make sense except-
-oh.
Oh.
For a moment, they simply stood there.
For a moment, the only sound was their breathing and the tight grip on hiis wrist and ouch, Arthur, ow-
"Don't," Arthur started, but stopped, and blinked multiple times. "Don't do that again." His voice was quiet but firm enough that it made Merlin want to shrink down into a ball.
"I-" He started, trying to explain it away but, he was at a loss for words on how to.
He couldn't.
Because what do you tell someone who saw you contemplating that?
He opened his mouth to say something, anything, but the hand on his wrist had moved to his shoulder and he barely had a moment to realize what was happening before Arthur's arms were wrapped around him.
Oh-
This was-
-not unpleasant.
He brought his own arms up after a moment, to return the hug, but it was over and Arthur was looking at him like that again and-
"I'm sorry. I didn't know," No, Arthur, it's not what you think. Don't blame yourself like that- "We'll talk to Gauis. We'll get you-get you help." Arthur declared, and his voice was strong but there was a slight tremble in it, and Merlin didn't understand.
It was almost like he-
-he cared.
He cared.
"And he'll know what to do. You don't have to- you're not, you're not alone, Merlin." He fumbled, and Merlin felt the urge to laugh at his clumsiness with words because that was Merlin's thing, but this wasn't funny and the tightness that was building in his chest and threatened to spill over his lips was anything but mirth.
He found that he couldn't say anything.
His head was spinning but the world was at a standstill.
He felt Arthur's arm slide around his shoulders, gentle and-, and comforting and Merlin frowned because this wasn't, couldn't be Arthur.
Arthur didn't do this.
Arthur didn't get scared.
But he did, and he is, and you're the reason.
"'oing to be okay-" Arthur was saying, as he led him away from the ledge and back to the castle but Merlin just shook his head. Not in disbelief but in denial.
"I wasn't," His voice was choked, and he frowned at himself, not understanding why his tongue was fumbling with his words. "I wasn't going to jump, Arthur."
No response.
"I wasn't. I-I wouldn't. I swear-" But Arthur brought him along anyway, never once letting go, almost as if he were afraid to.
As if Merlin would float away, the first chance he got.
"I wasn't going to jump," He says once more, but Arthur's still silent and he knows he doesn't believe it.
Merlin's not so sure he believes it himself.
Oof. Lemme' know your thoughts! And I know it may seem hard right now, but you really are wanted. Because you are precious. Never forget that.