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AnnieRavenclaw707: WRACKSPURT.
Chapter Nine
When we last left our heroes, they were having extraordinary adventures in a very pleasant mountain range.
The sentence above is something you can find in loads of other stories and comic book collections. However, it is not something you will find in this story. I implore you to pick up one of those other stories now, as I am about to return to the scene I was last writing.
By "Wrackspurt?" Sunny meant: "What is that strange cloud of little buzzing objects coming toward us?"
If you have read Mr. Snicket's work, you may already know the answer to this question. But if you have not, I suggest you put this book down and find something more pleasant to read. I warn you now, because it only gets worse from here.
Klaus studied the strange cloud of little buzzing objects coming toward them and gave Sunny a prompt, if vague, answer. "Oh no."
"What are those?" Violet asked.
"Snow gnats," Duncan explained. "Very organized mountain insects."
"They enjoy stinging people for no reason whatsoever," added Isadora. The dark, buzzing cloud of organized mountain insects drew closer. "Run!"
The five children ran down the mountain as fast as they could, but the snow gnats were faster. The insects caught up quickly and began to sting the helpless orphans.
"Smoke drives them away," Duncan yelled over the buzzing. "We need to start a fire!"
"Where are we going to find fire in a place like this?" Violet called back, trying to bat snow gnats away from her face and getting her hands stung as a result.
"There!" Sunny pointed frantically to a cave a short ways away. The children ran, skidding to a stop in the mouth of the cave. The snow gnats stopped short of the cave mouth. They turned and flew away in search of their next victims.
"Something in this cave must repel snow gnats," Isadora panted. Duncan turned around to examine the inside of the cave. Familiar footsteps approached the orphans. The look that crossed Duncan's face as this person approached suggested that he would rather take his chances with the snow gnats.
"Oh no," Klaus repeated as he and the others noticed what had Duncan in such a state of shock.
"Hello, cakesniffers." Carmelita Spats said.
"Carmelita," said Isadora, all trace of kindness gone from her voice. Perhaps she was remembering the year she and her brother had spent at Prufrock Preparatory School enduring the rude little girl's torment.
"Go away, cakesniffers. This is a private cave."
"Now now, Carmelita." A man reprimanded. "Snow Scouts are supposed to be accommodating."
"But Uncle Bruce, I don't accommodate cakesniffers. Especially orphan ones who got expelled from Prufrock Prep."
"Their educational history does not matter. You know Snow Scouts are supposed to be-" at this the other occupants of the cave all spoke in unison.
"Accommodating, Basic, Calm, Darling, Emblematic, Frisky, Grinning, Human, Innocent, Jumping, Kept, Limited, Meek, Nap-loving, Official, Pretty, Quarantined, Recent, Scheduled, Tidy, Understandable, Victorious, Wholesome, Xylophone, Young, and Zippered, every morning, every afternoon, every night, and all day long!" At the end of the pledge, all of the scouts made a whispery, whistling sound, as if they were imitating the sound of wind.
"How can a person be 'xylophone'?" Isadora asked, fighting the urge to laugh.
"Uncle Bruce couldn't think of another word that started with 'x'." A scout in a fencing mask said, inviting the orphans further into the cave. "We have extra coats and masks if you need them."
Violet gave him a quizzical look. "Why would we need masks?"
"They keep the Snow Gnats away when you're outdoors. And when you're indoors, they make a Very Furtive Disguise."
The children shared a look.
"Thanks, we're good." Sunny piped up.
Later that night, after many recitations of the Snow Scout alphabet pledge, many explanations of the Snow Scouts doing the same thing every year, and many long, boring stories from Carmelita Spats, the mysterious scout spoke again.
"I bet our visitors have a story," he said. "People who wander the mountains all day are bound to have encountered some Viciously Frightening Danger."
"Yes," said the scout master, who had told the five children to call him Uncle Bruce. "Has anything terrible ever happened to you, travelers?"
Of course, many terrible things had happened in the lives of the Baudelaire and Quagmire orphans. Their experiences could have filled thirteen books of various sizes, and even that wouldn't have been able to capture the whole story.
"Actually, nothing terrible happened to us until we ran into the snow gnats," said Duncan.
"We've had a Vivaciously Filling Day," Isadora added, looking directly at the masked scout.
"But when the snow gnats chased us, it made for a Very Frightening Descent," said Violet.
"I imagine so," said the scout in the mask.
"It could have been worse," Klaus put in. "We could have been forced to eat Vinegar-Flavored Doughnuts."
"Or Very Fermented Daquiris."
"This is the most boring story I've ever heard!" Carmelita interrupted. "I feel sick from eating so many marshmallows. Let's go to bed so we can crown me False Spring Queen!"
"It doesn't have to be you, Carmelita," Uncle Bruce pointed out.
"But I'm the most accommodating! I'm going to let the cakesniffers sleep under our old horse blankets!"
"You spilled nail polish all over those," said the masked scout. "That's hardly accommodating."
"It doesn't matter if I'm accommodating or not. I always get crowned False Spring Queen because Uncle Bruce really is my uncle and he likes me best."
"Hooray for nepotism."
"You're just a jealous cakesniffer! Just for that, you have to sleep away from the fire with the orphans." Carmelita threw the nail polish covered blankets to the Baudelaires.
The masked scout rolled up his sleeping bag and joined the orphans away from the fire.
"We never meant to get you in trouble," Isadora said apologetically.
"Don't worry about it," the scout said. "Get some sleep and meet me at the top of the Vertical Flame Diversion in a few hours. I can help you find what you're looking for." He shouldered his backpack and walked away, leaving the five with his sleeping bag, more unanswered questions, and the prospect of yet another sleepless night.
Please review with any comments, criticisms, or questions you may have.
In the next chapter, the identity of the masked scout will be revealed! (I know you all probably know already.) See you there!