A/N: Hope you're enjoying the fic so far. Let me know what you think :)
A few days after his brain surgery, Jay had his first physical therapy appointment. Although his speech had improved once the anaesthesia wore off, his muscle weakness had persisted, so Dr Rhodes referred Jay to a physical therapist in the hospital to work on his strength. Erin was in Jay's room, playing around on her phone, waiting for him to return. Jay was gone for just under an hour, but when he returned his t-shirt and shorts were damp with sweat and his eyes were red rimmed and puffy. For Jay, it had been an overwhelming hour filled with pain and frustration. He was used to being strong and capable and suddenly he was being wheeled around because the walk from the Physical therapy room to his room was too much for his weakened body to handle. Each step required intense concentration and lots of effort from Jay. His physical therapist listened as he cried about not being the same man he was, as he worried about never being able to do his job again and as he fretted over his future with Erin despite her constant assurances that they would be fine. When Jay was wheeled into the room by an orderly, he mumbled a thank you before slowly getting up and shuffling towards the bathroom. Erin stood up and made a move to open the bathroom door for him, but as she got there, Jay shot her an icy glace. So instead of helping him like she wanted to, Erin apologised and then moved back to her chair. While Jay was preoccupied, Erin sat and stewed about what she had done. She was confused about what was wrong. She was helping him, at least she thought she was helping him. She wondered why he looked so infuriated by her actions. Jay took his time in the bathroom, alongside his already slowed movements, he had to take extra care to avoid getting his wound wet. As Jay shuffled out the bathroom and towards his bed, Erin tracked him with her eyes, but she waited to say something until he was sat down and comfortable. Jay managed to get himself to the bed, but once he was perched on it, he struggled to push his legs off the floor and maneuver them onto the bed. After a few minutes, Erin called out to him, "Jay…," as if to ask if she could help him. When he looked over to her, he no longer looked angry, only dejected. So Erin took that as approval for her request. She bent to the floor, lifted both his feet and slowly swung them onto the bed. Instead of going back to her chair, Erin perched on the edge of his bed. "Jay… are you ok?" she questioned, only to get a nod in response. "Are you sure?" she said, this time only to get a shake of his head in return. "That's ok. It's ok to not be fine. A lot has happened. But I wanted to ask why you seemed angry at me before… you know, when I went to help you into the bathroom. Can you tell me why you were angry?" she asked. Jay looked at her, suddenly aware of how Erin is affected by his situation. He took a second to compose himself, then softly said, "I'm not angry… I mean not at you. I'm angry at myself, at the situation. But not you, never you." At the end, he moved one of his hands to rest on top of hers. Erin gave him a look to say she didn't quite believe him, especially after how he looked at her earlier. So he continued, "Ok, maybe I was a little angry, but not because you wanted to help. I understand that you want to help. And sometimes I want your help, but sometimes I want you to let me do it on my own. I'm a lot slower than I used to be, I know that. It's just if I don't keep doing things no matter how slowly, it might get to a point where I might not be able to do anything for myself. I can't do my job anymore, I can't drive anymore, … I mean I can barely walk properly now. I am a literal shell of the man I used to be and there's nothing I can do to change it. I guess being useless is just something I'm going to have to get used to." Erin wanted to interrupt, to tell him that he's not useless, and that he can work to get his strength back and even if he never does, he can still be the same guy he was even if he's not a cop anymore. She went to open her mouth, to let all the words she was thinking out, but Jay stopped her, clearly able to see what she was about to do. "Please don't say anything Erin, right now I don't particularly want to hear it. Can we just… sit for a while," he begged. Erin nodded, understanding that he needed some time, and said, "There's a game on. How about we watch that." He nodded, no longer wanting to interact, then he pulled his hand away from hers, sunk back into his pillow and closed his eyes. Erin took this a sign that he wanted to rest, escape from himself for a little while. So she got off his bed, whispered that she loved him and softly placed a kiss on his cheek, but she knew that the conversation wasn't over. She couldn't have Jay thinking so little of himself. She couldn't let him devalue is life. Especially when she had fought so hard to save it.
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When Jay was released from the hospital for the second time, Erin was armed with information. She knew exactly what to expect, what signs were normal, and she could recite off the top of her head what signs she should bring him back into hospital for. Once they parked outside her apartment, Erin sat in the car after she had turned off the ignition. She wanted to say something to him but didn't know how to. So she just ripped off the plaster and said, "I know you don't want help, but adjusting to being at home is going to be hard. There's no constant care, no nurses or doctors to do stuff for you or to answer your questions. It's just me. And you said that you want to do everything yourself. But there might come a time when I need to help, just to make both of our lives easier. We can use our judgement, so I'm not doing everything, so you can retain your freedom but also at the same time we won't be silly about it and make our lives harder." Although Jay had technically heard everything that she had said, after she had called her apartment his home, he stopped processing her words. "You called your apartment home," he said and despite his sadness, he managed a small smile. "Well I was going to ask you to move in before you got shot, and I think at the moment it makes sense for you not to be on your own, but I'd love if you moved in with me," Erin said, her cheeks flushing in embarrassment. All jay said in response was, "I'd love to live with you."
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The journey from the car up to the apartment was slow. Erin had her bag and Jay's bag, while Jay just concentrated on getting himself from the car and into the lift. Though his physical therapy was progressing well, Jay still walked slowly and with a slight limp, so he had been given a cane to help steady his movements. Once the couple and their belongings were in the apartment, Erin worked on getting Jay settled before she sorted herself out. Once he was on the sofa, Erin said, "We can make the changes that the occupational therapist suggested. Like you can sleep on the side of the bed closer to the bathroom in case you need to go in the night, and we can put a mat in the shower so it doesn't get slippery in there and if that's not good enough maybe we can look into a chair in there, that might be better. I'm going to go and unpack the bags and do a couple of chores. Just let me know if you need anything." Erin then grabbed their bags and took them into the bedroom. Once everything was back where it was meant to be, Erin switched their bedside tables, so his belongings were now on the right side of the bed and hers were on the left. When they were at the hospital, Jays occupational therapist had pulled her aside after one of his sessions. He said that Jays movement had improved but he isn't fast about getting anywhere, so if he needs to go to the bathroom in the night and he's tired it could cause problems. The OT had said that it's just easier to avoid the ramifications both physical and mental of Jay not making it to the toilet in time by making it as easy as possible for him to get there. After she had completed that task, Erin went about the apartment doing some basic chores. She put on a load of washing, she made Jay and herself some lunch and the she cleaned the kitchen. When that was done, she went around collecting the rubbish from all the rooms. Erin finally went into the guest bedroom and bathroom, the last rooms in her lap around the apartment. Here she saw the used pregnancy tests on the counter in the guest bathroom, untouched since before Jay had gone back into hospital because every time she had been home, it was only to shower and change her clothes. Erin walked over to pick them up, she looked at what they said and then she threw them in the bin, not wanting to deal with the result.