Chapter Six

Tad looked mortified.

I could not blame him.

Here he was, coming to check on me before he and his dad went off on a dangerous mission, and instead of being all stalwart and awesome about it, I was having a total meltdown.

It is a complete mystery to me how hormones work. You'd think if I wanted to do a bunch of gross, snotty crying, I would've done it earlier, in front of my dad. But no. Instead, the tears I'd shed earlier were tiny, genteel streams compared to the massive floods pouring out of me now. I was Niagara Falls. I was the Great Flood. I was a gigantic tidal wave of feeling - and poor Tad was the unwitting victim of my emotional disaster.

"Jesse," he said, sounding alarmed. He moved toward me, but he only managed to get from standing helplessly next to the door to standing helplessly next to my bed.

I turned away, grabbing for my Kleenex box, and let my legs swing over the side of the bed. "I'm sorry," I managed. I wiped my cheeks and blew my nose, thinking that would help me pull myself together. But the tears just kept coming. I felt like I was leaking; no matter how I tried, I couldn't get the dribbling to stop.

It was one of those times something inside me had just snapped, and I wasn't going to be able to stop crying until my body was done. "I'm sorry," I said again, around sobs. "It's j-just been such a w-weird day, and I sh-shot...I-I-I shot-"

The knowledge that I'd killed someone swept through me, and suddenly I was crying too hard to speak.

"Oh, Jesse," Tad said. Finally he sat down next to me. He put an arm around me, rubbing his hand up and down my arm. "It's okay. It's gonna be okay."

If I hadn't already been a complete wreck, I think Tad's kindness would have done me in.

On some level, I knew this situation was completely embarrassing. But on another level, I was impressed that Tad was not running in the other direction. I could tell he was still a little freaked out. But he mostly seemed concerned with figuring out what he could do to help calm me down. I wanted him to figure that out, too.

So while I blubbered, he handed me tissues. He stroked my hair. Eventually he just wrapped his arms around me and let me cry into his chest.

It was amazing how I could be so completely consumed by emotion and also still completely aware of Tad. He felt so warm and solid and steady. The exact opposite of me. Forget Jesse Hauptman: fae killer. I was Jesse Hauptman: hot-ass mess.

Eventually, the monsoon of tears relented, until I was just sniffling against Tad's chest. I could practically feel the relief radiating out of him as my tears dried up.

I sat up, turning away so I could clean my face again. By the time I'd finished blowing my nose and depositing approximately my thousandth Kleenex into the trash can, I finally felt brave enough to look over at Tad again.

The front of his shirt was covered in giant wet blotches.

"Oh, God," I said, and grabbed a handful of Kleenex to dab at his shirt.

"It's fine," Tad said, as I attempted to mop up the tears. "Seriously, Jesse, it's fine."

I gave up, mostly because the Kleenex were not having any effect at all. "Okay," I said, tossing the tissues in the trash. Then it was just the two of us alone sitting on my bed.

I stared at the floor, letting my hair fall over my face to hide its splotchiness, and hugged my arms against my chest, feeling more protective than I probably should have been after all that excessive sobbing.

"So..." Tad said, clearing his throat.

"So..." I said back, glancing over at him. "Good to see you?"

To my extreme relief, Tad laughed. He reached over, brushing my hair away from my face. I felt a little self-conscious about this, because there was no way I looked attractive right now. But whatever Tad saw he apparently liked, because he gave me a very relieved smile.

"It is, actually," he said, brushing his thumb along my cheek. "I wanted to see you before we left."

My face started to flush, and I could feel something building up between us, but the moment was ruined when I gave a strange little sob-hiccup.

"Uh-oh. Have you been hitting the sauce again?" Tad joked.

"Oh, you know. Just drunk on emotion." I tried to keep the mood light, but I couldn't shake the overwhelming sense of embarrassment that had begun to set in. "I'm, um, sorry about all that. I didn't mean to go all Niagara Falls on you." I hiccupped again.

Tad's expression softened. He brushed his thumb along my cheek again. "Jesse, I heard about what happened. About...everything. It's okay for you not to be okay right now."

I looked down, biting my bottom lip. I wasn't sure how to feel about Tad knowing. He would have found out eventually, of course. And it's not like I was ashamed or anything. I'd done what I had to do.

It was just...weird.

"It doesn't feel real, you know?" I said, before I knew I was going to say anything at all. "When I think about it, it feels more like a dream. Like my brain doesn't know how to process it as reality. I've seen the wolves fight before. I know my dad and Mercy have both killed to protect the pack. It's just...it's weird that this is true about me now. You know? I keep seeing that fae-girl's face in my head. And I can't help thinking, why? Why did they have to attack us? Why couldn't they just let Aiden go -"

My voice cracked, and I stopped before I got all emotional again.

"I know," Tad said quietly. "Believe me, Jesse. I know."

And he did, I realized. He must have had the same thoughts every time he watched the fae torturing his dad. If they had just let Tad go - if they hadn't been so hell-bent on figuring out his powers - then Tad and Zee wouldn't be preparing to do what they were going to do right now.

I realized there was almost no one in my life who didn't have blood on their hands. Except Izzy, really. Which meant that I was no longer sure if it was weird that I'd shot someone, or if it was weirder that I'd managed to go this long without taking someone down.

I shuddered, trying not to think about all the horrible things we'd done to protect the people we loved. Tad put his arm around me again, possibly misinterpreting my shudder, and I leaned into him, resting my head on his shoulder.

"I just...I don't feel like the same person I was this morning," I said.

"Maybe you're not," Tad said quietly, his thumb moving in slow circles on my shoulder. "I mean...you're definitely more of a badass now."

I laughed. It sounded a lot better coming from Tad than it had when I'd tried to joke about it earlier. I caught sight of Dread Lobster Bessie on my bedside table and leaned over, picking up the little figurine. "Well, I learned from the best."

"You kept it!" he said, sounding pleased.

I rolled my eyes. "You gave it to me yesterday."

"Oh. Yeah." Tad rubbed a hand over his face. "It feels like longer."

"No kidding," I muttered. Everything before tonight felt like it had happened in another lifetime. I turned Dread Lobster Bessie over in my hands a few times before I realized I was fiddling. I set her back down.

"Jesse..." He trailed off, clearing his throat again.

"Yeah?"

I looked over at him, and I couldn't decipher the expression on his face. It was almost like the way he'd looked at me in the woods the other day, like he was trying to memorize me. Only this time, he looked like he was holding himself back from something, and I wasn't sure what.

Whatever it was, it made me acutely aware of all the places our legs were touching. And the warm, solid feel of his arm around me. Everything that had been building between us in the last few days seemed to flare up in me all at once. "Jesse, I wanted to -"

I lost patience. I leaned forward and kissed him, mid-speech, and his arm tightened around me. Or maybe it had just stiffened, because in the next second he'd pulled away.

I shrank back, feeling self-conscious. Had I misread everything? No way.

Tad turned away from me. "Jesse, I shouldn't..." he said, shaking his head as if to clear it.

"Shouldn't what? Sneak into my room in the middle of the night and refuse to kiss me? I agree." A terrible thought seized me. "Are you seeing someone?"

"No," Tad said, and relief coursed through me. "But, Jesse -"

"Then what? Do you not think of me that way?"

Tad appeared to be making a great effort not to look at me. I got the sense he was about one straw from snapping under whatever stupid burden he'd laid on himself. I knew a lot about stupid, self-imposed burdens. The wolves were pretty much experts at them.

"I shouldn't feel this way about you," he blurted out.

I blinked. My cheeks flushed again, and I wasn't sure if it was from anger or something else. "Why not? Because I'm still in high school?"

"No. That's not - "

"Then am I not pretty enough? Not smart enough?"

"Jesse, no."

"Then what - am I not magical enough or something?"

"No!" Tad finally looked over at me. "Jesse, that's just it. You deserve to have a more normal life. You're always going to be connected to the pack somehow, but you shouldn't have to deal with all this other stuff. And this isn't going away for me anytime soon. Maybe not ever." Tad dragged his hands through his hair. "I shouldn't drag you into all this. I shouldn't..."

"I see," I said flatly. "Well you know what, Tad? Every day, I go to school and I'm reminded that I'm not mundane enough to be one of them. And then I come home and I'm reminded that I'll never be one of the pack. I don't have any powers like you or Aiden or the rest of the fae - so, basically, I don't fit in anywhere. It's too late for my life to be normal. If you're really concerned about me not getting sucked in, why do you keep sneaking into my room in the middle of the night? Why do you keep showing up and - and giving me lobsters, and - "

"Because I can't help myself," Tad said miserably. "When I heard what happened tonight, I had to see for myself if you were all right. And - and you're not, Jesse." He put a shaky hand to the side of my face. I couldn't tell if it was shaking from adrenaline, or from him trying and failing to hold himself back. "I wish you'd never had to do what you did tonight. Maybe it is too late for things to be normal. But at the very least, you deserve not to be dragged further into this mess. This isn't fair to you."

"Not fair to me?" I burst out. "What about you? Tad, I offed someone in self-defense. You had to watch your dad being tortured. It's not like either of us asked for this. You said it yourself: none of us want this shit to happen. But I want you. I - " I stopped, realizing what I'd said, then stammered out, "I mean, I want - I want to keep spending time with you. I -"

This was, apparently, the straw that broke Tad's back.

He buried both hands in my hair before he kissed me.

I laid awake for a long time after Tad left, replaying things over and over in my head.

It felt like my brain was having a hard time wrapping itself around reality again. Like maybe the whole thing was just an illusion I'd conjured to compensate for everything that had happened earlier in the night. It didn't seem possible that something so terrible and something so wonderful could have happened on the same day.

Except every time I thought about it, I could feel the truth rushing through me in the form of a bazillion tingles.

My brain had short-circuited when Tad kissed me. I didn't remember making any conscious decisions after that. I'm pretty sure I wasn't thinking at all.

But I remembered the heat of Tad's mouth on mine. And I remembered feeling like I didn't have anything slow or gentle left in me; the whole night had been too intense, and I needed something equally intense to match it. So I kissed Tad with everything I felt, because I couldn't hold myself back. And he'd responded by wrapping his arms around my waist and kissing me until things got so heated he let out a quiet groan and pulled me into his lap.

My knees ended up on either side of his hips. I made a noise of satisfaction in the back of my throat as he pressed me close, and then I sank into him. This was what I'd needed; to be so completely wrapped up in someone I couldn't think about anything else.

I pressed myself closer and closer, and the heat kept building between us until Tad broke away, breathing hard. "Jesse..."

I was drunk on kissing; I didn't want to stop. I kissed his jaw, his neck, the base of his throat.

"Jesse," Tad said. "We shouldn't -"

"Stop saying that," I said. Following some previously unknown impulse, I gently bit his ear.

Tad let out a strangled noise. "Jesse, you're killing me here," he said. His expression was desperate, a little crazed, and suddenly I realized what he was talking about.

"Oh," I said. I hadn't been thinking about that, but now that he mentioned it, it was kind of hard not to think of it.

I'd gone pretty far before, but never all the way. I briefly thought about what it might be like to go that far with Tad, and my entire body flushed.

I am not great at hiding what I'm thinking, and whatever Tad saw in my expression apparently did not help his situation. "Jesse, I - I need to get away from you for a second."

"Okay," I said. Before I could move, Tad had picked me up and deposited me on the bed again. He stood abruptly, but he didn't seem to want to face me. He turned and sat on the floor at the foot of the bed, his back to me.

I hugged my knees to my chest, feeling awkward.

Tad cleared his throat. "Jesse, I didn't - I mean, I don't - want things to go on like this between us."

"Oh," I said, swallowing a sudden lump in my throat. "You mean with the kissing?"

"No," he said, and his voice dropped about an octave when he said, "I wanted that." The huskiness of it made tingles erupt all over my skin.

"Then what is it?" I said, attempting to sound like I had my shit together.

"If something's going to happen between us, I want it to be right. I - I want to be able to ask you out and everything. I don't want to be sneaking around behind your dad's back."

"This is about my dad?" I said incredulously.

"No! This is about you. I...you're not some girl I'd just fool around with."

I wasn't sure how to take this. "Gee, I'm flattered."

"I mean it. You're not just anyone, Jesse. You...you deserve to have this done right."

"Tad, are you asking me on a date?" I said.

The spinning teacups sensation had started to come back. But it was rudely shut down when Tad said, "I can't."

"What? But you just said - "

"I said I'd want to take you out. That doesn't mean I can."

"Tad, you're not making any sense."

He stood up, turning to face me. Apparently he was okay now.

The male anatomy remained a mystery to me. I realized I was pretty much okay with that remaining true for now, so probably it was a good thing Tad had put on the brakes.

I sifted through everything he'd said so far and ventured, "You can't ask me out right now...does that mean you can when you get back?"

Tad looked pained. "Jesse, I don't know where I'm going to be or what I'm going to be doing when this is done. I don't even know how long it's going to take to deal with all of this. Which means I don't know when I'll be able to come out of hiding, or if I'll be able to go back to college. I can't even get a job right now to pay for anything. I can't-"

He looked so frustrated that I said, "Hey," and stood up. I walked over to him and tentatively reached for his hands. To my relief, he curled his fingers around mine. I thought he looked kind of relieved, too. "I know all of that, Tad. And honestly, I wasn't even thinking that far ahead. Right now, I can barely think past the next minute. So let's just...not worry about it. Let's just think about right now. You're leaving. And even if it's just for a few days, I don't want you to just disappear on me."

Tad looked at me, his thumbs moving in slow circles on the backs of my hands. He looked like he was waging another internal battle, but eventually he said, "I don't want that, either."

"Good," I said, trying to act like this hadn't made my heart go all thwompity-thwomp-thwomp-thwomp. "So...can I call you?"

Tad let out a surprised laugh; apparently this wasn't what he'd been expecting.

"Or maybe you'd rather call me," I said. "I mean - I don't know what your vengeance seeking schedule is going to be like."

"I don't, either," he said. He swallowed visibly, his Adam's apple bobbing. There was something absurdly sexy about this. Or maybe it was just his proximity in general; I felt much too aware of the shape of him - his broad shoulders and the line of his neck leading up to the stubble on his jaw. I wanted to run my hands over all of it. "Jesse, I'm not sure this is a good idea."

"What?" I said, snapping out of it. "Why not? Do you think your activities are going to be too nefarious for me to hear about?"

He shook his head. "No. It's more like...I already don't like the thought of leaving you, and I can't let myself be distracted right now." Even as he said this, he freed one of his hands so he could run it through my hair.

"Oh," I said. "Well..."

The next bit tumbled out as though Tad had been trying to prevent himself from saying it. "But I think it's too late, because I'm pretty much already thinking about you all the time."

My brain short-circuited again. I don't know what expression appeared on my face, but I'm pretty sure it was idiotic. "I - um - I'm kind of doing that, too," I said.

"Thinking of yourself all the time?"

"No, stupid. Of Dread Pirate Blutig."

Tad laughed. For a minute, we were both basically standing grinning at each other like idiots. At least until Tad kissed me again.

This time I stood on my toes, wrapping my arms around his neck.

This time, I also had patience. It felt more like a first kiss. Only a really good first kiss where you already know what happens next and you kind of want to fast-forward to that again, because those not-first-kisses filled some deep craving in you that you didn't even know you had.

Probably we wouldn't have gotten too carried away with the first-kiss-that-wasn't-a-first-kiss. But we didn't get a chance to find out, because before we really got into it, there was a soft knock on the door.

"Lieblings?" It was Zee. "Time to go."

Tad and I broke apart, and I looked at him in some alarm. "I thought you said the room was soundproofed!"

"It is. My dad just knows where I am. I told him I was coming to check on you."

"Oh. Right." I probably should've let go of Tad then, but I kept my arms around his neck.

"I really do have to go," Tad said, but he didn't move either.

"Okay. Um...I'll talk to you later?"

A slow smile spread across Tad's face. It was at least the third real one I'd gotten out of him tonight. "Yeah," he said, and leaned down to kiss me again.

"Lieblings?"

Tad gave a little grunt of irritation, and tried unsuccessfully to pull away. I irresponsibly pulled him back to me again. Twice.

In my defense, he did not put up much resistance.

"Lieblings!"

"Okay. Really going now," Tad said. He gave me one more quick kiss, and then he was gone.

Leaving me to flop back ont my bed, replaying everything until it felt like the memories were permanently seared into my brain.

"O - M - F - G. How? When? Tell me everything!"

I bit off the end of a Twizzler and tried not to grin like too much of a moron.

It was Friday night, and Izzy and I were camped out in her basement, in full-out sleepover mode.

This morning, Mercy had asked me if I wanted to go to school or not. I'd been tempted to just stay at home and catch up on sleep. But after surveying the wreckage with my own eyes, I'd decided I definitely wanted to go to school. I needed to put some distance between myself and the battle last night. I needed something that felt, well, normal.

Also, I realized that maybe I needed a little more normal than just a day at school. So I'd asked if I could spend the night at Izzy's.

There had been some debate about this. Dad was opposed, because Izzy's house was not protected by the pack, and he already felt like the pack was spread too thin. But Warren had overheard us talking, and he'd offered to be the lookout for me at Izzy's tonight. Which I was super grateful for - as long as he promised not to eavesdrop on us.

Warren had chuckled at that. "Don't you worry, darlin'. I'm not there to crash the party. I'm just there to make sure you stay safe."

I think possibly Warren had volunteered because he felt guilty for not having been at the house to help with the fae attack last night. I felt a little guilty that Warren was sacrificing a Friday night with Kyle to be my babysitter. But then again, he'd volunteered, so I couldn't feel too bad about it.

And now that I was here, I was extra grateful for Warren's gallantry, because I needed this. I hadn't even realized how much I'd needed it until Izzy and I were in our pajamas, eating junk food, and gabbing away without having to worry about being either overheard or interrupted, for the first time in what felt like forever.

I'd already spilled the beans about the attack on the house at lunchtime. Izzy had known something was off, particularly when I'd texted to ask about having an emergency sleepover. I'd had to explain why the sleepover was at her house instead of mine. Izzy knew as well as anyone how paranoid my dad was about having me sleep other places when there was a threat on the pack.

It would have been impossible to keep from telling Izzy about Tad at lunch, too, except we'd been interrupted like three times, and the revelation that I didn't hate Aiden anymore was enough to keep us occupied until the bell rang.

Which meant that I'd been able to wait until now to announce casually over junk food, "Sooo...I kissed Tad last night."

At which Izzy freaked out. "How can you keep these things from me?!" she went on, after declaring O-M-F-G. "I'm your best friend! I would've texted you immediately!"

"It was two AM," I pointed out.

"No excuses. Spill."

So I did. Mostly. I told her about the sob-fest and all the highlights afterward, but it didn't seem necessary to go into all the confusing bits where Tad was waffling about whether to like me or not. Or about the, uh, super intense moment that I wasn't even sure how to talk about out loud.

"Omigod, Iz. It was like the best. Kiss. Ever." I flopped back on the couch, staring up at the ceiling. "It felt like my brain fell out of my body. And there was heat, like, everywhere."

"Whoa," Izzy said.

"I know! I can't even...I didn't think it would feel like this."

"What did you think it would feel like? Kissing Mr. I'm-So-Cool-I'm-In-College-Now?" she said, referring to my ex-boyfriend Gabriel.

"Well...technically they're both in college now."

"You and your older men," Izzy teased. "So what was different about it? Is Tad just more experienced?"

"I don't know. I feel like I shouldn't be comparing them," I said. "It's just...I liked Gabriel a lot. And I think...I feel like I might like Tad even more."

"More? As in more more? Like, the most you can like someone before you should really start calling it something else more?"

"No. I don't know," I said, covering my face with my hands. I wasn't sure why I was telling her this. I didn't even know I'd been thinking this. "Iz, this is crazy."

"Crazy how?"

I sat up and grabbed another Twizzler. "I mean, the whole thing is crazy. I've known Tad for nine years. That's literally half my life. And in all those years, nothing like this has remotely come up between us. I don't know where this is coming from."

Izzy quirked an eyebrow at me. "Are you sure about that? You said at the barbeque, and I quote, we always flirt like this."

"Okay. I guess that's true. But, Iz, this is the first time it's ever felt like there's anything behind the flirting. And that's crazy because on Sunday, everything felt normal between us. And now it's Friday and everything has changed. It hasn't even been a week. How do you explain that? How did it come on so fast?"

Izzy shrugged. "Who knows? Maybe this was building up between you guys all along, and it just didn't have a chance to manifest until now."

"Maybe," I said thoughtfully. "I just wish it hadn't happened now. This is, like, the worst timing ever."

"Is it? I mean - he is kind of living in your house. That's pretty convenient."

"Yeah. When he's not off to hunt down the faeries who tortured his dad."

"Okay, well, there are always going to be obstacles. 'The course of true love never did run smooth,' and all that."

"Let's not get carried away with the true love talk."

"Oh, darling," Izzy said sagely, digging into the M&M's, "I am not the one getting carried away here."

Tad called at midnight. I almost missed it because Izzy and I were too busy having a late night jam session, singing along to a random Spotify playlist at the top of our lungs. Izzy was the one who actually spotted my phone lighting up.

"It's TAD!" she announced, and I snatched it up.

"Hey!" I said, motioning for Izzy to turn the music down.

"Hey," he said. Even though I could barely hear it over the music, the sound of his voice still made my heart go all thwompy-thwomp-thwomp. "I wasn't sure you'd be up. Where are you?"

"I'm at Izzy's," I said, as the music went blaringly loud.

"Whoops - sorry!" Izzy said, and the sound finally went down. "Hi Tad!"

"Izzy says hi."

"Hi back. Am I interrupting you guys?"

"No! No. We were just - we're having a girls' night. A sleepover. At Izzy's house. Hang on a sec."

He hung on while Izzy and I had a mostly mimed conversation that resulted in me shutting myself in her dad's office, which was built into one corner of the basement.

"Okay," I said. "Sorry. Just wanted to get some privacy for a sec."

"I can't really talk long," Tad said. "But it's been a crazy day, and I just...well, I wanted to say hi."

"Hi," I said. "Um...Guten tag. Konichiwa. Aloha. Wingapo!"

Tad laughed. "Wingapo? What language is that?"

"That is a great question. It's how Pocahontas says hello. I really feel like I should know what tribe Pocahontas is from."

I felt like I should know more about Native American history in general, especially considering Mercy is personally related to Coyote.

"Pocahontas was Algonquain. I think," Tad said.

"They really should have covered that in the movie," I said. "I bet this is totally what you called to talk about."

"It is, actually," Tad said. "Exactly this."

We'd gone from smilling at each other like idiots in person to smiling at each other like idiots over the phone. "So..."

"So," he said, clearing his throat. "Tell me something good that happened today."

I told him what felt like some very unimportant and trivial things, considering he was out on a life-or-death mission. But he seemed to enjoy me going on about random good things in my day. He wanted to know what junk food we were eating, what songs we'd been listening to. What pajamas I was wearing.

"You did not just ask me what I'm wearing!"

"What? I'm just trying to pretend like I'm there. Are you wearing the little shorts you had on yesterday?"

"Inappropriate," I told him.

"Oh, come on. You should see the place I'm staying. So depressing. If you could see it, you'd want to cheer me up."

"Uh-huh," I told him. "I'm wearing a onesie. With Care Bears on it." I wasn't, obviously; I was wearing plaid pajama pants and a faded T-shirt.

"Don't make me think inappropriate thoughts about the Care Bears."

"Then don't keep your mind in the gutter!"

We went on like this for a few more minutes until Tad said, "I should probably go."

It took us longer than it should have to say good-bye.

After I hung up, I realized Izzy was right. As usual.

I was so carried away, I was like a boat trapped in a current that had already swept me miles out to sea. And I had no intention of turning and heading back for the shore.

A/N: The end!

Just kidding. There will be more in another few weeks or so, when I get a chance to write again.

Thanks for reading! I just wanted to share something really quick with you guys. While I was writing this chapter, I became super obsessed with the "Icarus and the Sun" series by Gabriel Picolo. This picture in particular got stuck in my head (ff is weird about links, so you'll have to create actual dots here, etc) picolo-kunDOTdeviantartDOTcom/art/Icarus-and-the-Sun-680970847

I wanted to try to capture the feeling of this drawing in the romance scene with Jesse and Tad. It's pretty sexy, so I may have gotten a little carried away. Or possibly not carried away enough? I can't decide. Either way, I hope you enjoyed. :)))

Thanks for the reviews and follows, guys! You make my day. Special shout-out to NightlyRowenTree for being awesome and reviewing always. :-)