Day 9: Part 1

Fuck

The sound of my door creaking and groaning as Jasper burst into my room the next morning startled me from my sleep.

"WHERE IS SHE?" he roared, taking long, wild strides into the room.

"What?" I mumbled, sitting up quickly and immediately wishing I hadn't. My head ached terribly and when I placed my hand delicately against my hair, I realized the thousands of bobby pins Tanya had placed in it last night had caused light, uneven grooves against my skull. "Who?"

Instead of answering, his eyes made quick, frantic glances around the room. He strode the length of it in a few steps and opened my bathroom door, letting the hard wood crack roughly against the wall.

"Who?" I called, louder this time, my fingers weaving through the thick curls, trying to dislodge the small metal pieces from my hair. "Who are you looking for? Tanya?"

He came back into the bedroom, but stopped at the threshold of the bathroom. He grasped the edges of the door frame, his chest heaving. "Where is she, Bella?" he growled. "Where's Tanya?"

"Tanya?" I asked with clear disinterest, pulling away another pin. "I don't know, I've been asleep. How the hell would I know?" I was in the process of dislodging another pin and had to consciously keep my hand from freezing when I realized what he was saying.

My mind worked feverishly, replaying the conversation she and I had last night.

I want to make sure you know that this is not my first choice. If there was even a chance that I could be with Garrett again, I would take it.

I smiled despite myself.

"Is this funny to you, Bella?" Jasper asked in a hard voice and my smile disappeared. "Is it funny to you that I don't know where my sub is?"

"No," I said quickly. "No, of course not. I'm sorry."

And it wasn't funny, not really. But despite the weird feeling of loss that began to pull at my chest with surprising strength, a bubble of warmth and satisfaction dulled that particular ache.

She had done it. She had gone back to Garrett.

I refused to meet Jasper's eye, afraid that he'd see my pleasurable excitement.

I put both hands on my head, searching for more bobby pins to remove, trying to give my face an excuse to look away from him.

"I want you out of the house today," he said after a moment. His voice was slightly more collected. "Be anywhere else until tonight. I expect dinner at six."

With that he left my room and slammed the door behind him.

Within minutes, I was flying out the front door, my hair still a disheveled mess of loose strands and the shirt I had chosen from my closet distractedly inside out. But I was running out to my car, ignoring the fact that I hadn't put on a pair of winter-appropriate shoes and the wet squelching sound my feet were making inside my moccasins as snow began seeping through the thin fabric. The driver's side door wasn't completely closed before I was throwing the truck into reverse and sliding down the wide driveway towards the main road.

I fumbled for my phone in my purse, cursing loudly as it slid between my fingers in my excitement.

"Alice," I breathed when she answered the phone.

"How dare you call me, after what happened last night with Edward. How could you – "

"Alice," I said, louder. "Alice, listen to me. Tanya, she left."

There was a long pause on the other end. It had snowed generously the night before and it seemed that my truck was the only car going in any direction. I felt my tires sliding and the entirety of my truck skidding inches in each direction as I tried to reign in my giddiness in order to make it to Edward's without crashing.

"He kicked her out?" Alice asked quietly.

"No!" I said and quick, hysterical laugh left my throat. "She's gone! Headed back to Alaska. She left him. I'm coming over. Are you home?"

"Um, yeah," she said. "But – "

"That's fine," I replied, almost breathless with emotion. "That's fine. I'm coming over. I need to see you. Jasper asked me to leave for the day, probably so he could collect himself, and I don't really know where to go, so I'm coming over."

I made a quick turn onto a four-lane road, the blaring of another car jarring me from my bubbling giddiness. The car, a shiny little expensive thing, rushed past me and I smiled hugely at the driver, waving my hand at him. He looked momentarily shocked at my expression and tentatively waved back, before blowing past me.

I laughed loudly and slowed my truck down a bit, not really ready to become a Bella-sized pretzel before I got to Edward's.

"What do you mean she left?" Alice said. "Jasper's subs don't just leave. They're asked to leave. How – "

But I cut her off. "I'll explain when I get there," I said in a rush. "But I need to chain-smoke and the roads are bad and I'm not in the mood to get decapitated by an angry Lamborghini owner, so I'm going to hang up."

She cried something into the phone, but I shut it close and fumbled in my purse against for my cigarettes. I turned on the radio in the truck, blasting the first station I came across that wasn't playing a commercial and drummed my hands violently against the steering wheel.

I swerved as I made my way across the three miles of Edward's driveway, my giggles reaching an almost hysterical pitch as I skidded and slid around the tight curves. And then the house came into view, covered by a thick lawyer of white snow, and it seemed like the tight ball of mania imploded in my chest. I took my foot off the accelerator and let the engine guide me up the last few feet of the driveway.

Edward was standing on the porch, wearing nothing but a button-down and a pair of jeans. His hands were shoved into his pockets, balled into tight fists. He wasn't looking at me, instead staring off over the white expanse of his front yard. But there was something in his posture, a tightness in the hunched arc of his back that stopped me from getting out of my car. I let it idle, my foot on the brake, and waited for him to move.

It took a long moment before he finally acknowledged me. And then something must have clicked, because he took his hands out of his pockets and began running towards the car. I didn't bother suppressing the massive, goofy grin I felt on my face. I opened the door as he got within reach and was about to step out before I saw the expression on his face. Before I could move, he slammed my door back closed. The force he used was so great that it actually flung me towards the center console and the truck groaned in protest.

"Edward, what –"

My window was rolled up, but I didn't need to hear his voice to understand the word that he shouted at me. He stretched the word out, making sure that I caught every letter of it as his lips formed around them.

"LEAVE."

"What – no!" I grabbed the door handle and tried to push the door against his weight, but with a hard, low grunt that I felt more than heard, he pushed back.

I pounded my fist against the glass. "Edward, let me out! I need to talk to you!"

Something raw and tight was pulling at my chest. My stomach lurched up and back and my torso slumped around it. I squeezed my eyes shut, and pressed my hands against my stomach, ready to start counting out lout, when I realized – to my horror – that it wasn't nausea. My eyes shot open and I gasped. It wasn't nausea.

I wracked my half-lucid brain, trying to determine what the dull, aching burn that was slowly engulfing my torso and making the back of my throat dry was. I rubbed the back of my hand across my eyes and gasped again. There, in the soft fold of skin between my wrist and the first joint of my thumb, was a dark smear of what really could only have been a mix of mascara and tears. I reached up and pulled the rearview mirror towards my face. My hair looked beautiful; though it had been smushed underneath my head from sleeping on it, it had a purposeful disheveled look that instead of detracting from my beauty, made me seem fiery and wild. My eyes were certainly red from both – and I hated to say it – crying and the little sleep I had gotten, but the mascara that I hadn't wiped off last night made a soft smudge of color that framed my eyes perfectly.

I looked like a fucking succubus.

"LEAVE," Edward shouted again.

It took me a moment to look away from the startling sight of my face, usually so plain and unobtrusive, but now glowing with a fevered beauty, before I could re-focus my attention on something important.

"NO," I shouted back at him, pushing my shoulder against the door again. "You'll get cold before I will!"

His body was still tense against the door, his face turned away from me, but I saw him look back towards the front porch. Alice was standing there, her little arms wrapped around her little body, looking both startled and angry. I waved my hands at her. She looked at me and her brow furrowed before she shouted something at Edward I couldn't hear. He shook his head and the truck lurched a little as he pressed his arm and torso against it harder.

"You freaking psychopath, let me out of the car!" I cried at him, pounding my fist against the window. "Let me out."

Alice then came barreling across the yard, yelling what could only be obscenities at him.

I was still pressing hard against the door when he finally gave up, and it opened without warning. I spilled onto the ground, all arms and legs, in a very Bella-esque fashion. The snow was unbelievably cold against my cheek and bared fingers and I shook my hands out in front of me to get the flecks off before the veins inside started constricting or inflating or doing whatever cold things did to human skin.

"What the fuck," I spat, looking up at Edward. "What is wrong with you?"

The blazed, almost manic expression he'd wore as he sprinted at my car had hardened. Instead of looking livid, now he just looked mildly belligerent. Which, normally, would have suited me just fine. But I knew that face. Though Jasper had been adopted into the family and though Edward had never liked him, it was the same expression Jasper had whenever he was disgusted by me. The tightened of the eyes, the small sneer raising the corners of his lips delicately upward. It was all too familiar.

"Don't – don't look at me like that," I said. I stood up and brushed the snow off of the back of my pants. I gestured at the open car door. "What the hell was that about?" He opened his mouth, but I waved a hand at time. "Yeah, yeah, I know. Leave. But I need to talk to you."

Alice had stopped midway between the porch and the driveway and was scrutinizing our expressions. She was too far away to hear us, but I knew she'd come closer if I managed to land a well-deserved punch at Edward for being the nasty little twit he was.

"What are you doing here, Bella?" he said. His tone was hard, which I didn't like, but he wasn't yelling anymore.

"To talk." I said. "Like an adult."

He looked over my shoulder, towards nothingness. "You can't keep doing this."

"All I want to do is talk, I swear. We can sit out here in the ass-numbing cold if you want, though I'm sure –"

"Stop." He didn't say the word, he breathed it. And the exhale seemed to take the last bit of fight out of him. His body followed the word and slumped over it. "I can't do this anymore," he whispered. "I'm done."

"But it's good this time – "

He laughed a laugh that wasn't quite one and his lips again turned upward into a slight sneer. "I'm afraid our definitions of good and bad are very different, Bella."

I bristled. "No, listen. It is good this time, I swear – "

"I'm done." He breathed the words, making them sound like someone who had been running from his demons for way, way too long and was truly ready to take the consequences that came with that particular kind of confession.

A bubbling of panic began in my stomach. "No, Edward, wait –"

But he turned around and began walking slowly back towards his house.

"Edward, seriously, stop!"

He reached Alice and held out his hand for her. She hesitated for a moment, shooting me a panicked look.

"Edward, two seconds, just listen!"

I gave her a desperate look, not wanting to bear my soul in front of them both, since I was sure only humiliation would come from it. She took his hand and smiled softly, sadly at me before turning around and walking with him.

"Edward, I love you!" I felt my face turn hot before the words were completely out of my mouth.

I wasn't sure what I'd expected his reaction to be exactly. I knew it probably wouldn't be one of complete and utter rapture, especially considering the off-kilter state I'd found him in. What I wasn't expecting was a cry. No, not a cry, but a howl. A howl of pure, agonized pain to rip from his chest and shatter the silent expanse of his lawn. The noise was so acute, so piercing that a violent shudder rolled down my back.

"Edward –" I started to whisper before, like a tornado, he spun towards me, kicking up the loose power of last night's snowfall in a gust of air around him. In a second, he was stalking towards me and my instincts demanded I turn tail and run for it. But that noise, that howl, had shocked me into immobility and despite my efforts, I couldn't so much as inhale.

"NO!" he cried, "NO, BELLA! You don't get to do this!"

I managed to take a step back as he got closer. He reached up and grabbed the roots of his hair, pulling on the thick strands.

He cried out another anguished moan. "You, Bella, you come over here with your disgusting language and the awful, awful way you treat the people that want nothing more than to help you and like any other emotional . . . emotional leech, you suck out every fucking bit of happiness in a room until . . . until . . ." Words failed him and he cried out a third time.

"Edward, stop," Alice said sharply.

He straightened up and dropped his hands to his side. He first turned towards Alice and his lips parted and I was sure he was going to tell her off. But after a moment, she nodded and looked down at the ground. Their silent exchange made my chest long for that sort of intimacy.

His eyes slid over to me, though most of his body was still turned towards Alice. I shook my head internally. No, not towards Alice. Just . . . away from me.

In a voice so quiet and intense it made my heart race, he said, "I can't do this anymore Bella. No person can live in a state, in this state, of constant anxiety. Wondering when I'm going to see you again. If I'm going to see you again. It hasn't been long since we met, but it's enough time, there's been enough anxiety, for me to know when it's too much. And you, coming over here, proclaiming yourself like you did, has got to be one of the most selfish acts of human indecency that I've seen in a long time." Now, he looked straight at me, turning his body to me, so his action gave full weight to his words. "I haven't seen someone be so shamelessly selfish since I last lived with Jasper."

Alice moaned softly and for a long moment, that soft, keening sound was all I could hear.

Because he was right. And if he had allowed me a moment of contemplation, I would have collapsed right there in the middle of his driveway.

Because in that exact moment, when I knew that Edward had spoken that exact truth, I was sure that this would be the last time I saw him.

"I'm here, aren't I?" I whispered. "Doesn't that count for anything?"

"Yes, you're here," he said, "because you had nowhere else to go."

He let me stand there, with my mouth open in horror, for another moment before he finally turned, took Alice by the hand, and walked back into his house.