CHAPTER FIVE
If You Only Knew
When Ah'len had introduced Trip to Sah'nelen, he'd been expecting a toddler. It had only been four years since her conception. He was greeted, instead, with a child who was developmentally similar to an eight-year-old human. Sah'nelen was a miniature version of Ah'len which, Trip figured, should have been no surprise.
He squatted down in front of the young Xyrillian and held up his hand. "Hi," he said, "I'm Trip. I'm your, uh, First Father."
Her tiny mouth turned up in a smile. "Hello. I'm Sah'nelen. Your dermal plating is missing."
Trip chuckled. "My people don't have them."
"Your people are strange."
He barked another laugh. "I'm sure that we seem that way to you, but to us, it's normal."
Sah'nelen cocked her head to one side, considering his words. "Will you teach me an Earth game, First Father?"
Trip looked up at Ah'len, who replied, "It is how our young learn."
He nodded. "Ours too." Turning back to Sah'nelen, he said, "Call me Trip, darlin'. If we can get someone to help me program the holo-room, I'd be glad to."
Sah'nelen glanced at her mother. "Can we?"
"Of course," answered Ah'len.
A half hour later, Trip was teaching Sah'nelen the subtle intricacies of a game of Jacks, and he was pretty sure he saw her pick up an extra jack after the ball's second bounce. "Hey, I saw that!" he exclaimed. "That's cheating!"
Sah'nelen looked back at him, her large green eyes widening innocently. He laughed and scooped her up in his arms, twirling her around. She let out a high trilling sound that he had come to know as her giggle. Trip found it kind of neat how, despite major cultural and biological differences, the wonder and naivety of children was universal across the species. Sah'nelen reminded him of his nephew.
"Will you show me your home?" she asked when Trip set her back down.
A twinge of sadness tightened his chest. "My home doesn't exist anymore," he answered honestly.
"What happened?"
Trip sighed. "There was a...a misunderstanding." He lifted his eyes to the false sky, trying to find the right way to explain the horror of what the misguided Xindi had done. "Some folks were told that my people were going to, uh, hurt them. So they decided to hurt us first."
"Were you going to hurt them?"
Trip shook his head. "We'd never heard of them before they attacked our world."
Sah'nelen put her hand in his, and a strange but pleasant charge passed between them. "I'm sorry that you have no home, Trip."
He found himself chuckling, in spite of the ache. "S'okay. I live on the Enterprise now."
She looked away for a moment, then abruptly turned back to him as if remembering something. "First Mother said that your captain gave us the specifications for your home. He believed you would want to see it again."
"Really?" Jon's thoughtfulness stunned Trip. To see his home again-unmarred by the Xindi's weapon-would be... He didn't know what it would be like, and thinking about it made his heart pound a little harder.
"Can we see it, Trip?"
Looking down at the pleading face of Sah'nelen, Trip knew he could not deny her request. He held up the remote control. "I don't know how to bring up the program."
She took it from him and pressed a combination of buttons. The nondescript park they had been playing in was suddenly replaced by a long, white beach and the rhythmic boom of ocean waves. A faint breeze ruffled his hair as he reached down and raked his fingers through the sand. It was so real that it nearly took his breath away.
"Your home was very pretty," Sah'nelen said.
"Yes, it was." Trip inhaled, enjoying the fresh scent of the sea air, as he sat down in the sand.
Sah'nelen joined him, studying his features with a concerned expression. "Do you require medical intervention?"
He blinked, confused. "Huh? What do you mean?"
She touched his face with her electric fingers. "Fluids are leaking from your eyes."
Trip brought his hand to his face and was surprised to find it wet. He smiled. "No, I'm all right. This is how humans express sadness."
"I did not mean to make you sad, Trip. Do you want to visit another place?"
"This is just fine, Sah'nelen." He patted her small arm. "I'm not really upset." He took another deep breath, and blew it out in a sigh. "Do you wanna go for a swim?"
She tilted her head. "Swim? What is that?"
Trip smiled and shook his head. Were humans the only species that played in the water? "You know, take a dip in the ocean?" He pointed to the rolling sea.
"My people do not...swim."
"Your people are strange." He winked.
She lifted her head and trilled in mirth. In this moment, Trip was very glad that the Xyrillians had showed up again, despite his initial discomfort. He wouldn't have missed meeting this little one for all the bourbon in the universe.
"Let's make a sandcastle instead," he suggested as he removed his boots and socks, feeling the sand between his toes. Another swell of grief washed over him as he remembered countless childhood summers spent with his family on this shore, playing with Lizzie and Bert. Tears didn't fall this time, though. Trip knew that Lizzie would have wanted him to share these memories with Sah'nelen.
He started digging, making a large pile and patting the damp sand. Sah'nelen's hands joined his and soon they were carving turrets and windows in to the large mound. As they worked, Trip shared stories from his youth, and she told him what life was like for a growing Xyrillian. Sah'nelen struggled with the human concept of family just as he had trouble imagining being raised by every adult of his species. When they had finished their surprisingly intricate castle, Trip whistled in admiration. It turned out that Sah'nelen was quite the talented sculptor.
"Now that's something else. Better than anything I've ever done," he said with a grin.
Sah'nelen beamed at him. "Thank you."
The door suddenly appeared, and T'Pol stepped through it, giving the tropical surroundings a cursory study. Trip waved her over.
"Hello," Sah'nelen said, raising her hand in an imitation of Trip's greeting when T'Pol approached them. "We are making a structure out of sand."
T'Pol surveyed their work and nodded her approval. "It is well constructed. You must be Sah'nelen."
"I am. Who are you?"
Trip smiled at the Sah'nelen's openness. "This is Commander T'Pol," he said. "She is my..." He broke off, unsure how to finish the sentence. Best friend? Girlfriend? Lover? "We work together on Enterprise."
T'Pol raised her brow briefly at Trip. "Indeed."
Sah'nelen swiveled her head back and forth as she looked at the two adults. "You are not like him," she said, addressing T'Pol.
The commander looked down at her. "You are quite perceptive. I am not human like Commander Tucker. I am Vulcan."
Sah'nelen stared at T'Pol. "Your face does not move as much as his does-especially your mouth."
T'Pol canted her brow again. "Vulcans do not express emotions."
"Your people have no feelings?" The young Xyrillian's green eyes widened with shock.
Trip coughed, trying to choke back a laugh. He knelt down, bringing himself level with Sah'nelen. "Sweetheart, Vulcans do have emotions but they believe that logic is more important, so they don't usually express or act on those feelings."
T'Pol nodded when Sah'nelen looked up at her. "Commander Tucker's description of my species is moderately accurate."
The Xyrillian turned back to Trip and lowered her voice. "Her people are stranger than yours."
Trip could not hold back his amusement any longer. He fell over, guffawing when T'Pol gave him an utterly perplexed expression. Sah'nelen added her own strange giggle to his laughter. It was several moments before the two of them were calm again.
"What do you want to do next, darlin'?" Trip asked Sah'nelen.
"Do you play other games in this place?"
"Lots," he replied, thinking of several of his childhood favorites. "What we need now is a Frisbee."
T'Pol watched Trip and Sah'nelen play together for the better part of an hour. He had invited her to join them in each new game, and she repeatedly turned him down. She was content to sit on the blanket that they had acquired for her and observe their interaction with one another. She found the setting pleasing and serene. Trip's home-or as it had once been-was very inviting. T'Pol regretted that she had not taken the opportunity to visit Florida when she lived on Earth.
Trip's laughter drew her attention, and she watched as he raced down the shore with Sah'nelen. At the end, he picked up the diminutive child and spun her around, his face radiating open joy. Pride and pleasure swelled within her bosom at seeing Trip this way. He would make an exceptional father one day. T'Pol allowed her mind to consider what it would be like to share offspring with him. Would he be the same with a half-Vulcan, half-human child? It was illogical to indulge in such fantasies, but T'Pol was disinterested in logic at the moment.
"I think I wore her out," Trip said as he dropped down next to T'Pol on the blanket.
"I am not worn out!" Sah'nelen exclaimed indignantly.
Trip grinned. "Oh, right." He leaned closer to T'Pol and winked. "She wore me out."
Sah'nelen giggled. "I'm hungry and it is nearly time for my rest cycle. Can we play more games tomorrow, Trip?"
"I'd love to, darlin'," he answered.
The young Xyrillian turned to T'Pol. "Are there games on your world?"
T'Pol nodded. "Vulcan children play games but they are not like Commander Tucker's."
"Will you show me some?"
"I will."
Sah'nelen gave T'Pol a smile and picked up the remote, exposing the door. "It was nice to meet you, T'Pol." She gave Trip a hug. "Thank you for the games. I liked them."
"Anytime, sweetheart." Trip's eyes followed her as she left the room.
Neither T'Pol nor Trip spoke for a period of time. T'Pol enjoyed watching the rise and fall of the tide, finding it nearly as meditative as her flickering candles. She believed that Trip was also content, and she wondered what thoughts might be crossing his mind.
"Lizzie would have liked her," he said in a quiet voice, as if to answer her unspoken question.
T'Pol thought that he might not have meant to speak out loud. Trip rarely spoke of his deceased sister, and never so casually. She suspected that even after more than a year, his pain was still too great. It was a grief that she now understood.
"I believe that my mother would have found Sah'nelen to be pleasing as well," T'Pol replied.
"Do you miss her?" Trip gave her a sad smile.
Unexpressed mourning twisted in T'Pol's middle. "Our relationship was often complicated, but yes, I miss her." Her voice sounded small and vulnerable to her ears.
"I don't think that ever really goes away." Trip sighed, unconsciously drawing designs in the sand next to him. "I missed you too, you know."
T'Pol's brow furrowed in confusion. "I have not gone anywhere."
Trip frowned and opened his mouth as if to say something, before closing it again. He repeated the action a few more times before he laid back on the blanket, muttering a soft curse that she was sure she was not meant to hear. Trip was conflicted, of that much she was certain. She didn't know what caused his turmoil, but her own niggling fears prevented her from asking for clarification. T'Pol did not want to find out that he might not desire a deeper relationship with her, regardless of their attraction to one another.
Trip's hands reached up and pulled her down to him, bringing her head to rest on his chest. She could feel the rapid beat of his heart. The strength of their bond deepened with the contact, and T'Pol was acutely aware of his fear singing steadily through their connection-fear of her rejection. She took in a sharp breath as sudden understanding eased her trepidation. He was worried that she did not want to be with him. He worried that her interest in their relationship would be just as fleeting as she believed his might be. They had danced around each other needlessly, not knowing that they both had the same wish to share a more profound relationship. T'Pol's heart fluttered with growing exultation.
"I know snugglin' isn't very Vulcan," Trip said, interrupting her thoughts. "Do you mind humoring me for a bit?"
T'Pol frowned at his words. "I am comfortable." She realized that if the bond had been as strong in that moment for him as it was for her, he would not have felt the need to ask for her permission. She was disappointed that he was not privy to the same pleasing understanding that she had just experienced. "When did you miss me?" she asked, attempting to find a way to adequately calm his anxiety.
His chest rose and fell in a sigh. "After you married Koss, things were different between us-even our friendship. I tried real hard to be okay with it because I... because there was nothing I could do about it." He pulled her closer to him with a gentle squeeze. "Then you weren't married anymore, but you decided you didn't want me."
T'Pol opened her mouth to explain that she had never stopped desiring his companionship. "I-"
Trip placed a calloused finger on her lips. "Let me finish, darlin'. I know that your world was turned upside down all at once. You lost your mom. The Kir'Shara was discovered, changing everything for Vulcans-for you. I get that. I just wanted to be there for you the same way you helped me in the Expanse, but you didn't need me." His heart beat faster under her cheek. "It was selfish of me to transfer to the Columbia, but I just couldn't stand to be near you every day when you acted like we'd never been more than colleagues. It was a stupid, adolescent thing to do and I regret it." Trip grew quiet for a few breaths. "I'd never... You're the first..." He groaned. "You asked when I missed you? I missed you from the moment you married Koss 'til you kissed me in the corridor." He had both arms around her now. "I didn't just lose my... the gal I was... seeing. I lost my best friend."
Trip's honest admission settled over her, erasing the last of her apprehension. T'Pol was certain that there was much that he had left unsaid, but she did not feel compelled to press him further. She thought of her own hurt and confusion during that turbulent time. It had been a mistake to turn his friendship away then. "I missed you too," she confessed, draping her arm across his middle.
He kissed the top of her head. "I lo-I like having you back. I don't want things to change."
T'Pol tightened her embrace. "Neither do I, Trip."
Silence overtook them again and T'Pol felt more at peace than she had since... Had she ever felt this peaceful? She thought of her strange visit with an older T'Pol from another time line. The cryptic advice from the other woman finally made sense. Her heart now knew what it wanted.
Trip's breathing slowed and a quiet snore vibrated his chest. T'Pol smiled inwardly as she closed her eyes, allowing the melody of the ocean to lull her to sleep.
Soval stood in the doorway longer than necessary, staring at T'Pol and Commander Tucker as they slumbered in an intimate embrace. His suspicions regarding the couple had been confirmed. Whether or not he approved of the relationship was irrelevant. It was illogical to intervene when they were obviously mated. Knowing both as he did, Soval doubted either would find any advisement against this foolish pairing to be welcome.
He stepped back into the corridor, letting the door give T'Pol and Commander Tucker their privacy once more. Soval felt some pity for the two as the path they had chosen would be rife with difficulty. He was confident, however, that they could adequately navigate any obstacle they might face.
After some contemplation, Soval decided that he would not be one of those obstructions.
A/N: Yay! We finally get to meet Sah'nelen! And Trip and T'Pol have finally had the talk they've desperately needed to have. Thank you for reading! Reviews are better than chocolate!