I wrote this at the beginning of the year and waited for the right time to post this. I need something humorous for a change lol. Enjoy and good luck.

Chapter One

Ares overlooked his army on the battlefield in the small but powerful, city of Marathon just outside of Athens. He nervously bit his fingernails anticipating the blow that his sister was about to cast down onto his army. To spite Athena, he employed a warlord in Marathon to ransack the outskirts of Athens. This was more than a simple battle to him. This was about sibling rivalry and he always thought Athena was better liked by Zeus than he ever could be which angered him to no end.

He wouldn't allow her to win yet again with her army of fierce women. She did have a greater number of soldiers but numbers weren't everything. It was all about strategy, although Athena was the queen of strategy and wisdom. The war god cursed himself for allowing such idiotic warriors to be beneath him in this battle.

As he stood on a hillside observing the battle he witnessed over two dozen of his men blown to smithereens by Athena's warriors and their blasted fire brigade and catapults. He growled and clenched his fists.

"Looks like you could use some help," a familiar voice spoke behind him.

Ares looked up at the blue sky and turned around to see the irritating sorceress sitting on a tree branch with one of her legs propped up, revealing her succulent thigh and lengthy leg. His eyes lingered and she tapped his nose with her scepter to snap him out of his lovesick stare.

"What are you doing here, Circe?" he asked and crossed his arms.

"Watching your ass getting handed to you by your better half," she said with a charming smile and flipped her long hair behind her shoulder and swung her dangling leg back and forth playfully. "Maybe Athena will take your mantle as the god of war. Wouldn't that be fun to see?"

He groaned and turned around, watching the battle unfold before him. He had never seen such a bunch of oafs in his entire life of being a warrior and god. He was disgusted with these men and the thought of his sister's warrior women obliterating his army only infuriated him even more.

"Don't you have something better to do with yourself than watch me crumble?" he hissed.

Circe sighed and hopped down off the tree and whacked him in the back of his head and he grunted, rubbing the sore spot. "You know why I am here, Ares."

He pretended that she was not standing right behind him and tried to keep focus. Another one of his fleets was knocked out by Athena's female soldiers and he growled, lifting his arm in the air out of frustration. Circe stepped in front of him to distract him from Athena's wiles.

"Circe, I am busy here."

"Ares, you promised," she warned and gripped the scepter. He eyed her briefly and then looked over her head at the bloody battlefield. Athena must be having fun with this, he thought. "Ares pay attention to me!"

Her hand glowed bright red and she slapped his cheek and he hissed, backing away from her. He held his burning cheek and it felt like he had been hit with hot coals. "What do you want?!" he yelled and wagged his aching hand.

"Now that I have your attention, you promised you would take Damian. It is your turn to watch him," she said and sauntered over to the fearsome war god.

He frowned down at her and rolled his eyes. "Can't you see that I'm a little busy at the moment?"

Infuriated with his lack of care, she turned around and waved her scepter, casting a spell over the battlefield. Ares ran to her side and his eyes widened in horror when he saw all of Athena's warriors turned into various types of birds; chickens, ducks, doves, falcons, hawks.

"There. Now you're not busy," she smiled from ear to ear. She tapped her finger against his chest. "You are taking Damian. I am not going to come here again."

His jaw dropped and he furiously whipped his head around to the satisfied sorceress. "You just turned Athena's warriors into…poultry!"

"Now it is a sure thing that you will win!" she shrugged her shoulder. "Have fun. I have other business to take care of. I will drop Damian off at your temple." She waved and vanished. He slapped his forehead and shook his head, watching his men stare at the army of birds running around them, clucking and squawking.

"ARES!" Athena's voice boomed throughout the sky and he sighed heavily.

Gabrielle walked beside Argo while Xena led the way through the grassy planes of a small village nearby Delphi. She looked at Argo's big brown eyes and frowned at the animal. Over the last few weeks the two hadn't been getting along as well as they normally were. She tried to hide the animosity towards Argo from Xena but it was getting to a point where Gabrielle was barely able to cope with the stubborn horse.

Xena pointed ahead at the village. "There it is. We should find the town magistrate and find out exactly what's been going on here."

Gabrielle kept eyeing Argo and Xena turned around from the lack of communication.

"Something wrong?" the warrior asked and the bard snapped her head forward and smiled falsely.

"No, nothing wrong. So, the village huh?" she skipped ahead to walk alongside Xena. She heard Argo neigh behind her and scowled, ignoring the horse's snide comments. "Why exactly are we going to this village again?"

"The wives are concerned about their husbands disappearing in the late hours of the night. Remember we got that letter from a messenger in Thebes?"

Gabrielle nodded. "Oh right, that letter. What do you think it could be? Poisoned water? Or just a bad case of infidelity running wild?" she chuckled.

Xena raised her eyebrow and shot a look to the blonde bard. "Ha-ha. Let's just find the magistrate and then we can troll around to find out more about these vanishing men." She wriggled her fingers and Gabrielle smirked.

The two strolled into the town and many of the women were standing outside their homes, gawking at them. Gabrielle looked around and never felt so uncomfortable before in her life until now. She did not really believe that letter that was delivered to her and Xena a couple of weeks ago, but now she was beginning to believe something was wrong here.

There were no men except for children, the elderly and possibly widowed spouses that lost their wives or unmarried men. She and Xena stopped at a tavern and Argo was left by a stable with a few other horses before they made their way over to the courthouse in the center of the village.

Entering the courthouse they saw an elderly man talking with a young boy probably no older than thirteen. He quickly dismissed the boy and approached the two warriors with a sad smile gracing his lips. "Xena," he greeted her and Gabrielle glanced around at the empty courthouse.

"We got a letter that men have been disappearing in this village. Any idea what is going on?" the warrior asked.

He sighed and sat down on one of the wooden benches. "This courthouse used to be filled with the finest scholars and men but they have gone. I don't know what is happening to this village. I've heard several other villages nearby are having the same problem."

Gabrielle looked up to Xena and approached the anxious man. "Are these men taking drugs or were they hypnotized by anyone?" she asked and he shook his head and grabbed a handkerchief from his robe pocket and dabbed his forehead.

"It's not like that. These are bright men and they just leave their wives in the dead of night. Some return and some don't. The women are beginning to believe there is a cult somewhere in the woods and they are recruiting their husbands."

Xena smirked almost to the point of laughing but she reminded herself this is a serious matter. "Can you give us any clues as to why they would leave so abruptly? They can't just walk out on their wives and children for no apparent reason."

"I'm sorry; I don't have anything to go off of for you Xena." He sadly admitted and wiped the sweat off his forehead again.

She nodded. "Alright, well Gabrielle and I will have a look around and see if we can find something. It was nice talking to you…"

"Klyde," he rose from the bench and shook her hand.

Xena smiled briefly. "Klyde. We'll make sure we can do whatever it takes to find out what happened to these men." She said and he gratefully thanked her and she nudged her head towards the door. "Let's go, Gabrielle."

Circe appeared standing by a tree and she saw the warrior and bard chatting away as they exited the courthouse. She smiled deviously and wagged her head, deciding the warrior's fate. "Oh Xena, you can't mess up my big plans."

She raised her scepter and pointed it directly at the warrior, aiming at her heart and a forceful hand grabbed her scepter just as she was about to fire. Grunting, she turned and saw the goddess of love. "Aphrodite, get out of my way!" she griped and the two played a game of tug of war with her scepter. "Let go you blonde whore!"

Aphrodite gasped and head butted the sorceress. Circe fumbled backwards and rammed her spine into the three. Aphrodite rubbed her forehead and moaned. "Ow…" she muttered.

The angry enchantress growled and pointed her scepter at the annoying blonde goddess. "That's it!" she charged for the love goddess and Aphrodite panicked. She thrust her scepter forward and the ornate ball at the end shined a bright blue light. "Get lost or I'll turn you into a pig."

"A pig?!" Aphrodite scoffed and folded her arms, feeling very insulted. "You couldn't turn me into a pretty animal like a silver fox or something?"

"How 'bout a snake instead," Circe crookedly smiled.

"That seems more like your department, sweetie," Aphrodite retorted with a stoic face. She saw the sorceress' eyes illuminate a bright white and she nervously backed away. "No hard feelings of course."

Circe's eyes turned back to their supple brown and then whipped her body around, glaring at Xena and Gabrielle. "Stand back, dear." She closed an eye and powered up her scepter. "Snake it is for you, Xena," she whispered.

"No!" Aphrodite grabbed the scepter and Circe inhaled sharply and a blast cast from the scepter and completely missed Xena. "You leave them alone, you…you…you witch!"

The sorceress chuckled and kicked the goddess away and turned around with a big smile, hoping to see the warrior turn to a gorgon. Though, she was disappointed to see that Xena was still a human and intact but instead hit a blonde horse by a stable. "You moron!" she screeched at Aphrodite. "You made me miss!"

"Good," the love goddess brushed her hands across her arms, feeling quite proud of herself. "Stay away from my girls or I will hound you."

"You best stay out of my way or I'll turn you into a naked mole rat," Circe wagged her finger and with a wave of her hand she vanished. Aphrodite gasped and placed a hand over her chest.

"I would so not make a cute naked mole rat." She shivered in disgust and snapped her fingers, making herself scarce.

By the stables, Circe's spell missed Xena, but cast directly onto Argo and the horse was an animal no more. She stood up shakily on her two new legs and gripped onto the stable pole for dear life. Breathing heavily, she looked down at herself and gasped. She stretched out her long tan arm and wriggled her fingers; her human fingers. Staring in awe she tapped her new fingers on the wooden pole and smiled. She looked around and saw her fellow horses next to her and reached out, touching their long manes. Never able to feel her own mane, she never realized how coarse the hair was or how soft it was.

Confused by her sudden change in appearance, she ran her fingers through hair –actual human hair. She grabbed the long blonde locks in her hands and contorted her face in bemusement. Her ears perked up when she heard her master's voice approaching and she gradually left the stables, grabbing onto everything possible to keep her balance.

Xena and Gabrielle made their way over to the stables, arguing mildly about the strange situation they were put in.

"Listen, I just think that we should search the woods. Maybe there is a cult around here," suggested Gabrielle.

"Really? A cult?" Xena said with disbelief and looked at the spot where she left her horse and frowned. "Where is Argo?" she panicked and picked up her saddlebag.

Gabrielle looked inside the stable to see if Argo had wandered off to gather with the other horses. "She's not in here."

"That's not like her to just take off," Xena said and looked behind the stable.

"Xena!" the human Argo called out and the warrior turned around at the sound of her name.

Gabrielle came out of the stables and her eyes widened at the naked blonde slender woman. Xena dropped the saddlebag in shock at the woman's appearance. "Gods," Gabrielle's mouth was left slightly agape. "Do you…know her?" she whispered.

"No…" Xena whispered back and the tall blonde ran towards her and grabbed her arms. Xena stiffened her body and stared down at the bare woman's body in front of her. Gabrielle slapped a hand over her own eyes.

The human Argo kept smiling and then eyed Gabrielle whom she liked to tease every now and then. "Xena, I was waiting for you!"

"Uh-huh," the warrior pried the arms off her. "Did you touch my horse?" she eyed the blonde suspiciously.

Argo frowned sadly. "I told you I was waiting for you."

Xena laughed nervously. "Right." Her eyes darted around still looking for her steed and sighed. "Who are you and where are your clothes?"

"Clothes?"

"Yeah, you might need some of those," commented Gabrielle with her eyes still covered.

Xena sighed and grabbed Argo's hand and hide her in the stables. "Wait here and Gabrielle and I will find you some clothes to put on. You can't be seen walking around like that."

Argo sighed and watched her master and the bard, walk off together whispering to each other. She sighed and rested her elbows on the stable ledge and stare at a big black stallion beside her. "Don't look at me like that. I told her that I was waiting for her. She doesn't believe me." She explained to the horse and he turned around, ignoring her. "Hey, was it something I said?"

She looked down at herself and lifted one of her knees. Two legs, she thought. Is this what it is like to be slow on your feet? Her hands roamed her body and she gasped. Her tail was gone. Her pride was gone. She wasn't exactly sure if she liked being a two legged creature and wasn't exactly sure why Xena was being so curt with her either.

Gabrielle and Xena returned with a long beige dress and Argo smiled upon her master's return. Xena was slightly taken aback by her grandeur smile. "Here, just put this on," she wagged the dress and Argo frowned at the piece of clothing, but took it anyway.

Xena turned around and waited for her to get dressed. Gabrielle was unable to look away and saw the mysterious woman was having trouble putting on the dress.

"Um, Xena, I don't think she knows what she's doing."

The warrior turned on her heel and saw the blonde struggling to put on the dress. "You've got to be kidding me," she grumbled and walked over to help her out. Argo struggled and then finally got her head through the hole and smiled at Xena.

"Thanks," she said and Xena nodded.

"So, where are you from?" Gabrielle asked.

Argo eyed the bard and clung close to Xena. "Everywhere of course! You two like to travel a lot like I do."

Xena sighed and grabbed Argo's hand leading her out of the stables. "We need to get you back home. My friend and I have work to do."

"Wait, wait! I want to come with you," Argo pleaded. "I like traveling," she said innocently and Gabrielle folded her arms and Xena gazed into the big brown eyes opposite her. "I can help! You'll need my help. I am very valuable, I promise."

"I think me and Gabrielle can manage on our own." She grabbed Argo's hand and began walking towards the village filled with other women. "We should really find your home and then we'll be on our way."

Argo gasped and pulled away from her master. "But I told you! I don't live here!"

Gabrielle sighed and crossed her arms, gawking at the tall blonde. "Then, where are you from?"

"I told you, everywhere, Gabrielle," Argo frowned and the bard raised her eyebrow not liking her tone.

"So, you're a nomad?" Xena asked confusedly.

"What's a nomad?" Argo cocked her head and Gabrielle rolled her eyes. "Why'd you make that face, Gabrielle? Was it something I said?"

The bard's cheeks reddened and she looked up at Xena for help but the warrior shrugged her shoulder. "Listen, you can't come with us," Xena finally said and pulled Argo along with her. "You're staying here until I figure out what to do with you."

"But I want to come! Why are you pushing me away?" Argo asked, batting her chocolate brown eyes.

Gabrielle rubbed the nape of her neck and tapped Xena's shoulder. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

Xena left Argo alone and hoped she'd stay put. She walked over to a nearby tree with Gabrielle and folded her arms. "What?"

"She is like…obsessed with you. She wants to follow us and doesn't even know where she is from! We found her naked for Zeus' sake, Xena," she whispered.

The warrior looked back at the tall smiling blonde and shook her head. "Maybe she has amnesia or something?" she guessed and looked out at the field. "I can't believe Argo took off like that."

Gabrielle placed her hands on her hips and frowned deeply. "She'll come back. Maybe she went to go eat some apples or something." She said and Xena scanned the village and Gabrielle tapped her forehead. "Can you focus for just one second?" she pressed and the warrior blinked rapidly and swatted her hand away. "What are we going to do with miss tall and gorgeous over there?"

"Leave her here of course," Xena concluded and walked over to Argo who was smiling from ear to ear. "Okay, here's the deal. You're staying here in the village and Gabrielle is coming with me. We have important work to do today and I can't have you in our way."

Argo's smile faded and glared at the bard. "She told you to leave me here, didn't she?"

"What?" Gabrielle asked with a gaped mouth.

"No, it was my idea." Xena stepped in between the two.

"Your idea?!" Argo frowned sadly. "I just want to help. I won't get in the way, Xena. I promise."

"Xena, no," Gabrielle whispered and lightly hit the warrior's arm.

"I don't think it's a good idea," Xena said to her blonde guest and Gabrielle nodded in agreement. "You'd be safer here."

Argo furrowed her eyebrows and focused her attention on the petite bard and walked over to her. Gabrielle backed away slowly and Argo folded her arms. "I'll do whatever you say, Xena," she said and Gabrielle's eyes darted back and forth between her and Xena.

"Alright…" Xena hesitantly grabbed Argo's arm and pulled her away from Gabrielle. "But if you cause any trouble you're staying in the village."

The bard huffed and watched Xena and the tall blonde walk off together towards the village. For someone who just appeared in the village, naked no less, she sure had a big mouth and was very assertive. Not to mention she really wanted to be around Xena which only made Gabrielle more suspicious. First, disappearing men and now this strange woman wandering around without clothes.