My first attempt at writing Merlin and I go and make it depressing lol. Who would I be, without my usual angst? Probably a pretty boring person, honestly. Anyhow, about this story! I really hope you like it, and I apologize if they seem out of character. Again, I've never written for these characters and I only got into the show a couple of weeks ago. I've been a little sad lately, so I've been using writing to cope. Plus, being quarantined and all during the "Great Quarantine of 2020", gives me some extra time to finish these little endeavors.

Alas, I hope you enjoy the story, and remember, you are always loved.

Disclaimer: Of course I don't own this, otherwise there would be a sixth season. Clotpole.

Where was that bumbling idiot?

Arthur slammed his chambers doors behind him, ignoring the guards standing outside of it and began his way to Gauis's. He had a tournament first thing in the morning and his ridiculous and idiotic servant had yet to polish his armor.

Despite Arthur telling him - which really wasn't that surprising but just once couldn't he actually do his job?

The trek to Gauis's chambers was short, but in the amount of time it took to cross the courtyard, Arthur had found enough time to work himself up to the point where he was nearly breathless due to the frustration building in his chest.

Though, really, he didn't mind that much, it had only been a few days since it was last polished but he couldn't let Merlin know that, oh no, definitely not.

But Merlin had been slacking - even more than usual - lately and if he had any other master he'd have been put in the stocks weeks ago.

No, he would have been sacked, or flogged!

Not that Arthur would ever do that. The thought of the latter was nearly enough to have him shudder.

But, despite the nauseating thoughts that swirled his brain, it wasn't enough to calm his anger. So, he didn't hesitate barging through the doorway- the door causing enough racket to wake the dead, as Gauis would put it.

"Mer-!"

He stopped.

Gauis wasn't here, and neither was his idiotic servant.

Must be sleeping then, eh?

Of course he was, the lazy fool.

"Merlin!" He yelled, making his way to his servant's room when suddenly said servant emerged from his room, hastily.

Ah, so at least he does realize he did something wrong.

"Yes, Arthur?" Arthur crossed his arms, a near scowl on his face at the confusion written on Merlin's face.

"I have a tournament in the morning, and you have-" He paused, nose wrinkling at the odd smell that filled his nostrils. Shaking his head, he continued. "-armor to polish. Or did you forget? Like you did the laundry the other day? Or my shoes this morning, or-" Merlin was moving forward before he could finish.

"Yes, yes. Well, maybe if a certain Prince didn't work me to near exh-" His tone was light, and Arthur found himself huffing in annoyance.

Well, maybe he wasn't fully annoyed-

"Are you kidding me? Well, maybe if I had an actually decent servant who did his job, I wouldn't be in this situation," He bantered back, and Merlin's face fell into a glare for a second, and by God, it was almost pitiful how it looked more like an actual pout.

It almost seemed real.

Arthur was brought back out of his thoughts by that smell again, and just what was that awful-

"-fine, but if I so valiantly die from being overworked by a certain prat then it's my blood on your hands-"

That's what it was.

"So don't-"

"You smell like blood."

Merlin stiffened, and Arthur would have barely noticed it had he not been paying attention. But it was gone almost immediately and a lazy grin filled his servant's face.

"I fell while cleaning out your horse stalls. Told you my blood would be on your hands," Arthur rolled his eyes at the remark, before turning back to his door to make his way to his own chambers.

"I want my armor polished immediately. Clean enough to eat off of," The response was barely above a whisper.

"Of course that's what you would want."

Merlin barely had time to duck before the book flew at him.

Arthur inhaled a deep breath, doing his best to refrain from knocking his servant upside the head.

"Merlin," He called out, watching as said man fumbled around his desk, doing his best to clean up the mess he made.

Because he was a clumsy and useless servant.

But, he was nothing if not entertaining.

Although, that didn't help ease the sting of knowing his reports were ruined and winestained-

"Sorry, sire," Merlin breathed out, dabbing at the wine in a hurried fashion and nearly knocking over the other items on the table.

"Merlin-" He reached out, without even thinking about it, just an immediate response to avoid another catastrophe, and grabbed his servant's wrist but-

-but he didn't expect Merlin to yelp- yes, he yelped - as if he had been burned and yanked his arm back, cradling it to his chest. Arthur's eyes met Merlin's wide, startled eyes and when he saw the fear in them, suddenly it wasn't so funny.

"Merlin?"

"I-uh, I-I'll get some more cloth," He resigned to saying, not hesitating a moment more to leave the mess behind, and Arthur.

He frowned.

Something wasn't right.

He sighed.

He'd had enough to do, and now he'd gone and added figuring out what was wrong with Merlin to his list.

Not that he would ever be able to figure out what was wrong with Merlin.

It hadn't started out as much, Arthur had noticed.

When he thought people weren't looking, he seemed...quiet.

Resigned, almost.

And Merlin was anything but resigned.

Merlin was loud, and clumsy and wouldn't hesitate to tell you how much of a prat you were being and Arthur, you're not fat, I'm just saying that maybe you should lay off of the sausages-

No, that was one of the first signs that something was terribly wrong.

But he seemed fine whenever he was around Arthur, energetic and always ready with the stupid, endearing grin and a loud and troublesome remark that would get him in the stocks but Arthur secretly enjoyed and-

Then he watched his interactions with the knights, how he laughed and joked along with them, and covered up a brief wince with a too bright smile.

And when they weren't looking, but Arthur was, he would look down, or he would play with the cuffs of his jacket and he would look so completely and utterly sad that Arthur strongly resisted the urge to just run out there and force Merlin to tell him what was going on but-

If anyone could match his own stubborn will it was Merlin.

And he knew that wouldn't work.

So he'd wait. No matter how much it pained him, he'd wait.

Even though he was beginning to believe it was paining Merlin more than it ever could him.

"Have a seat, Merlin."

Arthur spoke, and this time he was looking for it, when Merlin stiffened just the tiniest bit before he relaxed and a broad smile filled his lips but this one was too bright as well, and Gods how had he missed it all this time?

"No can do, Arthur. I'm afraid a certain prat would have my head for doing that," Arthur rolled his eyes.

"Sit down." Merlin glanced up at that, at the tone of his voice and frowned. Wearily, he took a seat across from him, and started fiddling with the cuffs of his sleeves.

Arthur hesitated.

He really wasn't the person for this.

Oh, how he wished Gwen were here.

But she wasn't, and if no one else would do something, he would.

And only because he needed his servant to be in top shape, nothing more. This wasn't about Merlin-

But it was.

It was and they both knew it. Because whether or not he admitted to it, Merlin was more than a servant to him. And he cared more than his father would ever allow, or he'd even want to admit, himself.

"Sire-" Merlin's voice brought him out of his thoughts, and he sighed.

"Something's been going on with you, hasn't it?"

Merlin's fingers froze.

"Nothing other than your usual pratness, Sire."

The tapping resumed.

"Merlin," He paused, wishing now more than ever that Gwen was here, or hell, even Gwaine. Anyone but him. "...You know you can talk to me, right?" And he watched.

He watched as Merlin frowned, a spark of fear lighting up in his ocean blue eyes, before calming back to gentle waves. He watched as the confusion filled his face, and oh Gods, he didn't know.

He didn't know he could trust Arthur.

He didn't know.

"Of course, Sire." Again with the formality. Arthur's jaw clenched.

"Merlin, I-" He stopped. "Listen, I know I may not be entirely aware of what goes on in all of the servant's lives but I'm not blind. Anyone could see that something's not right,"

Except he didn't.

He didn't see it, until it was obvious.

"But nothing's going on-"

"Don't lie to me." Not you, he nearly added, but thought better of it. Merlin's mouth clamped shut and a look of shame briefly passed over his face. So he was lying.

"Arthur, it's really nothing."

This time, he scoffed.

"Merl-"

"It's not important, anyway." He added on, almost as an after thought.

"If something," He paused. "Or someone," He added, but Gods he hoped it wasn't true. "Is bothering you, you can come to me. I, I want you to come to me." Merlin's face softened at that, his resolve cracking for a moment, and Arthur felt hope blossom in his chest at the sight.

But it was no sooner squashed by the cheery look that settled on his face next.

"And I appreciate it, Arthur. Really, I do. But I'm fine." He added a smile aferwards, as if he felt the need to, and Arthur felt his insides turn over. He knew better than to hope, by now.

"So if that will be all?" He questioned slowly, practically already out of the chair.

Arthur waved his hand dismissively, looking down.

"Yeah, Merlin. That's all."

Arthur was worried.

There, he admitted it.

And if Merlin wouldn't talk about it, Arthur would find another way to get to the heart of this.

So really, it wasn't his fault that he was reserved to this.

To, to spying on his servant. No, it wasn't spying.

He was merely tailing him. To observe his work, as a good prince would.

No, that didn't sound much better.

Alright, so he was spying on his servant. If his father ever found out about that...

He wouldn't. Arthur wouldn't let him.

Back to the spying, er, tailing.

Arthur had always believed Merlin lived a rather boring life. Not doing much other than serving Arthur and lazing around- with the occasional case of helping out Gauis.

But he couldn't have been more wrong.

He expected that following him would be easy. Routine, and boring, even. But Merlin was all over the place. He would go from one side of he castle to the next, and then back again, and then to the lower parts of town, and back to the castle.

It was, in short, organized chaos.

And apparently, people loved Merlin more than Arthur ever knew.

They were always stopping him, wanting to talk or simply say hi. Even some of the guards and knights would stop him. It was...ridiculous, but not hard to believe. It probably took him double the time to get his chores done because of all the people, than it would have had he talked to no one.

The most difficult part of it all - besides having to go all over the place with never a moment's rest - was being back to his chambers before Merlin.

It was nearly a race.

And so that's how he found himself, all but dropping unceremoniously into his chair, a loud scrape filling the air as he scooted forward and appeared to be working on paperwork right as Merlin entered the doorway.

"I have your dinner, Sire," Merlin said, and Arthur waved his hand in the air dismissively, doing his best to catch his breath and not let on what he had been doing all day. He did look up, however, when Merlin made no attempt to move any further.

And the sight that greeted him, was Merlin looking at him with a raised eyebrow, and glint of suspicion in his eyes. But he chose not to comment on it any further, instead giving him a goofy grin as he slid the tray onto the table.

"If that will be all?" Arthur nodded, and Merlin went about to tidying up the room. He really was hungry, after all of the gallavanting around he'd done all day, but he also wanted to eat quickly so he could see where Merlin went off to.

Probably back to his chambers, as Arthur would expect him to.

But he wouldn't really know until he saw him do it.

Nothing suspicious had happened all day, and Arthur was getting desperate. Everyone seemed to love Merlin, so he doubted that someone was hurting him which, thank God for. If someone had been, Arthur wasn't so sure he could have contained himself from unleashing a cold fury upon the person who dare lay a hand on his servant.

And Merlin had seemed fine, to the untrained eye, at least.

But Arthur knew better.

And he also knew that he would get to the bottom of this, whatever it took.

What are you doing, Merlin?

This certainly wasn't Gauis's chambers, and he wasn't even certain if it was Camelot anymore.

No, this was the middle of the forest, by a lake of all places. Why on earth would Merlin come here?

"I missed you even more today," Merlin's voice broke him out of his thoughts, as he lied alongside the river, throwing pebbles gently into the water. "Arthur's being even more of a prat lately than usual," He chuckled dryly, and Arthur pursed his lips at the remark.

"I think-" He paused, emotion suddenly thick in his voice. "I think he suspects something. Bloody awful time for him to start being observant," He quipped, though there was no real heat behind it. He sighed. "I miss you, Freya." He whispered, quietly. Almost inaudibly, had he not been listening for it, and he found himself frowning.

Who was Freya?

He was brought out of his thoughts by the movement as Merlin shifted into a sitting position.

Wait a minute-

The moon glinted off of something and-

-and suddenly Arthur was moving because that was a dagger and he wouldn't, would he? No, not Merlin-

He was by his servant's side in an instant, and knocking the dagger out of his hand but not before-

Not before.

"Merlin," He breathed, the sight of his arms enough to nearly have Arthur gagging because no, not Merlin-

"Arthur, it's not- I wasn't going to-" Wide eyed and stumbling over his words, his gaze followed Arthur's to his bare forearm and instantly he fumbled with the sleeves, yanking them down to hide the scars but it was too late.

It was too late.

And for once, the Prince was speechless.

He slowly sat down next to him, though it was anything but graceful and more so to stop himself from crumbling to the ground. He never thought Merlin, sweet and innocent and clumsy and lazy Merlin would resort to this.

Yes, he had heard the stories, of knights who had seen too much, of guards who had witnessed the most gruesome of deaths, and of the victims they would find at the bottom of the castle walls sometimes in the early morns.

But never had he seen it in person. And never had he believed it would happen to someone he cared-

He cared about.

"I dont understand," And it was true. He didn't, couldn't, possibly.

"I know." He chuckled wetly. "I'm not sure I do, either."

And then it was silent once more.

No one dared say a thing. No one knew what to say.

They sat there, for a few minutes, in comfortable silence, surprisingly. Merlin had expected yelling, shouting and even threats.

Not...this.

"I wasn't going to kill myself, ya' know." Arthur flinched, hating the images that made their way into every crevice of his mind. The ones that flood his brain and mock him and say what if you were too late-

"I wasn't. Honestly. I was just..." He trailed off, and Arthur nodded with a swallow.

"I know." Merlin breathed in, nodding briskly. He looked back over the water, breathing in the cool air of the lake. His fingers twitched, aching to take back the dagger but he couldn't.

And he knew he might never be able to agian.

And that...that terrified him.

But looking back over at Arthur, by his side, he wondered if it would be as terrible as he originally thought.

"We're going to talk about this." Arthur declared, continuing to stare out at the water and Merlin's stomach dropped.

"I understand," He responded, thickly. "And I understand if you want me to resign."

The words tasted like charcoal.

Arthur looked up at that, brow furrowed as he lightly shook his head.

"Why would I..?"

"You can't have a servant who acts in such a way, can you?" He asked lightly, a faint tug at his lips that felt far too strained and by the look on Arthur's face, he knew he wasn't the only one who could tell.

"Merlin," He began. "I don't care about that. I care about you."

Merlin blinked.

"I'm not going to have you sacked. I'm not even going to discipline you. I think you've been hard enough on yourself," He added gently, and Merlin swallowed hard looking down.

"But we are going to talk about this." He stated firmly. "And we're going to help you," Merlin opened his mouth to protest, but Arthur held up a hand to stop him.

"I'm only going to tell Gauis. It's up to you if you wish to tell the others. Which you may not want to, but I think you should. I know that they all care about you," He glanced back up at Merlin. "Very much."

"I..."

"And we want you to be safe," Arthur moved to sit back up. "Because whether or not you believe it, you are important to us." He declared and damn you, Arthur for knowing just what to say-

The tears that were forming in his eyes, fell onto his cheeks and he wiped hastily at them, not wanting to cry in front of Arthur but-

-but Arthur's hand was gently around his wrist and pulling his hand away and before he could say anything there were arms around him and oh.

Oh.

There was no stopping the tears now. And so he sat there, clinging onto Arthur in a way he thought would have the older man pushing him away but instead Arthur held onto him just as tight - and had someone been looking, they would have seen tears in the eyes of both men.

So Merlin cried. And he cried with utter pain and relief because he wasn't alone anymore, he wasn't alone-

For they were two halves of the same coin.

Merlin had always known that he couldn't live without Arthur.

But now, he finally realized, Arthur couldn't live without Merlin, either.

Maybe his life was worth something after all.

Welp, there it is! I hope you liked it! Be sure to let me know with a review ;) #longlivethemerlinfandom