It has been quite some time since my last story has been updated. I'm starting fresh with a relatively morbid story.

But I promise things will look up :) Read and review if you'd like.

I don't own the characters. Obvi 3

Let me know what you think ;)

Chapter 1

I wake up to the beautiful sounds of Bach Cello Suite No 1. The prelude. Such a fascinating thing, what the sounds of music can do to a living being. Almost like it's sweeping me away further from the realities of existence. I feel my body floating, almost as if I'm drifting into the nothingness that surrounds us all. Like I'm perched up on a cloud surrounding a confined mountain top. I don't feel warm or cold, I'm just there. Just breathing.

It feels like I'm in a Michelangelo painting, just basking majestically in the pale embrace of the blue sky that could swallow me whole.

I make my first feeble attempt at opening my sore eyes. It's unquestionably dark in my room, very foreboding. I glance over at the digital clock playing the alarm on top of my modest nightstand and realize it is only four in the morning. I groan while rubbing the sleep off of my face. Getting up this early has always been kind of a divine ritual for me, ever since childhood. I brought my attention back to the nightstand, and studied the picture frame I had turned over two months ago. Hiding the photo on the other side out of…fear? I guess. I just couldn't take that challenge upon myself. Not yet.

I shoot out of bed staggering around my bed towards the window on the opposite side. I take another look at my nightstand in the darkness and shake off my distress, slowly reaching out to open up the window and slide out into the brisk early morning air. I usually have my secret stash in the exterior of the sill.

Once I grab what I need, I plop down on the slanted asphalt shingles and take in all the air I possibly can into my lungs, filling my diaphragm. The air that comes out is smoke from a doobie I had rolled the night prior. So while threading my neurons with THC I gaze out at the sun rising over the mountains, I can only see a sliver of the giant bright mass coming over the horizon from the angle I'm sitting. I can't help but think of the beauty and ferocity of nature. The pink and blue hues mixing together in the sky peacefully. With no noise, only the exception of the wood peckers, which seems to be the only thing I can hear at the moment.

When I zone out like this it gives me the composure I'll need to carry me through the day. Lord knows I will need it later on for the club. Although, letting Angela convince me to work there with her was one of those trial run things. But the money is decent, and we need the money right now. So I have been coping with the loud buzzing in my ear by smoking copious amounts of marijuana. It's not something I'll continue doing, but it definitely allows me to zone in on one thought. Instead of being scrambled and fried by the time the day breaks.

I hear shuffling inside, I avert my attention back to my open window waiting for Seth to barge in through my rickety bedroom door. He doesn't. "Leah! Do you know where I left my backpack?" He shouts, muffled slightly by the door.

I lower my head, amusement generating a smirk on my lips before I take another extra slow drag.

"Can you help me?" Seth says much more quietly this time, "please?" His voice has basically turned into a mere whisper.

I lick my thumb and put my joint out, working my way back inside my bedroom window with a heaviness in my feet. "Of course," I sigh placing my joint on the window sill. I begin stalking towards my door, with a loud creek it opens to reveal Seth standing there. His boyish good looks can't hide the fact that he'd certainly been crying again. His dark brown eyes feigned innocence. I know how hard he is on himself so I decided I wasn't going to push it too much this morning, so I give him a genuine grin. He musters up a little smirk, shuffling in place, seemingly nervous.

Alright, now I feel my stomach drop slightly just seeing how much pain he has. All of which I wish I could take away from him. "What'd you get into last night?" I ask.

He shrugs off my question and starts down the stairs slowly. "Same shit, different day sis. I swear I brought it home with me though?" He still sounds as if he's questioning that himself. He disappears down into the kitchen out of my view, clearly still in deep thought.

I continue to stare fixedly at the stairs, wondering what the hell I am going to do with this boy.

I meet him downstairs still feeling the weight of my entire body. That heaviness from this morning. There is always very loaded tension whenever Seth gets in a mood. I can't blame him for that though, so I just try to ease my way into conversation delicately. "You feel like talking?"

He turns from the kitchen table, gawking at me and completely unnerved. Without breaking eye contact, he pulls out his house keys from his pocket.

"Don't forget those," I casually assert, walking past him to get the coffee maker started in the small kitchen.

He freezes up with tension. "Can I please just drop out?"

My head drops, my eyes squeezing shut as I hummed through the pain forming in the pit of my stomach. "Seth," I'm stifling my frustration, with almost superhuman patience. I thought he was going to try and say something so I waited for another tense moment. Nothing...So, I continue. "You're halfway through this first semester, after that you only have two quarters and boom, you've got a diploma."

I turn once I don't hear anything from him. He looks completely depleted, and my heart sinks once again. Feeling more sympathy, I stifle the emotions that I want to pour out, but I suddenly can't look him in the eyes for a moment. "I know, trust me God, I know this is really hard for you Seth." I glance up seeing how pale his face is now, he's holding back his own tears. I purse my lips. "Maybe I can call the school? Tell them you're gonna be home sick for this next week?"

He says nothing, which just defeats me inside.

"Are you alright?" I asked genuinely.

"Are you?" He deflects.

I cross my arms and carefully continue. "Uh-Er-No, but that's not always a bad thing. It's not like we can't talk about it." There is a fraught pause in the air. The only noise was the bubbling water of the coffee maker. Remaining mindful of my words I continue again, "Even if you want to talk to someone else?"

"About what?"

"About what's been going on, Seth, which may help. You are going through a lot."

"You are too!"

I pause. "We have been through a lot, but it's up to me to hold it together for the both of us. I've never been involved in that psycho analytical shit, but if you need to talk to someone, you know I'm here? I-I can look into a getting a good counselor?"

He just stares at me for a while, eyes wide and unable to communicate. "Who's gonna be here with me if you're gone too?" His forthright way of asking me that just honestly took me back for a second. I almost felt slightly offended that he would ever think I'd jeopardize him in that way.

I eyed him boldly. "I'm not leaving Seth, I am never leaving your side dude. You're my best friend," I bite back the sob because my God it hurts so damn bad.

He nodded slightly, still unable to give me any indication that he is okay. I took it upon myself to do the only thing I could do. Something that I desperately needed as well. I bound over for him and take him into my arms, holding him so tightly I feel like he might float away. Seth didn't move, he seemed slightly shaken by this. I only took this as a means to embrace him with more vigor. "I will listen to you." My breathing stifled a bit. After a beat of gaining my emotional composure I felt his arms gingerly wrap around me. "I've got you man, no matter what. I'm not going nowhere."

He tucked his chin by my neck, fully accepting me. "You promise?" His face, already wet again with tears was soaking into my T shirt.

I sucked in a deep breath, assembling my mind. "Absolutely," I affirm with great confidence. I pat his back, "Absolutely, I promise you that."

We stood there for what felt like an eternity. My fingers gently touching the baby hairs on the back of his neck. "We're going to get through it, bud."

He sniffles. We hear pounding at the front door, both of our heads snapping up as we release each other. Seth brings his arms up to saturate his sleeves with tears, undertaking the task of getting himself together. Meanwhile I make my way to the front door, taking deep breaths, gaining back my self-control. I draw in another anxious breath as I place my hand on the door knob.

"Okay," I whisper to myself. 1-2-3- I'm alright. The door whisks open past me and I'm automatically standing there with a questioning look at the 6 foot something boy ogling me as if I were the jolly green giant. "Yes?" I wait for him to say something. I cover myself a bit with the door realizing how chilly it was.

"Yeah, uh," he brings his knuckled up to his mouth, clearing his throat. "Is-uh-Seth here?"

"Yeah-um-who are you?" I inquire, his cropped black hair and brown eyes shift past me towards the archway leading to the kitchen. I hear Seth grunt in the background, his footsteps stumbling towards us.

"I'm Embry," He answers politely, hands moving behind his back as he rocks slowly on the heels of his P.F. Flyers.

"Oh," I say with a matter of fact tone. "Seth!" As soon as I turn Seth is already heading past me out the door. "School?" I give them a menacing glare that froze them both in their tracks.

"Yes," Seth sighs.

My brows furrow once I realize that neither of them have backpacks on. "Without your backpack?"

Seth squinted at me through hardened eyes that once had been my salvation, but now they brought emotional instability. I watched his fists clenching rhythmically. This boy has his emotional hurricane in full force today.

Embry took a step forward, hand on his chest. "We left them at Jared's house, we're all going to meet up there and go to school together." This boy's expression was pleasant, with an inkling of wistfulness, but the soft glimmer of his lucid eyes were telling me something wasn't adding up.

Before I could continue to protest Seth stuck his knuckle up and out towards me. I pounded it with my fist and held his melancholy gaze. "No trouble," I relent. A part of me already knows that I will most likely be getting a call from the school within a few hours.

He nodded his head, his expression says it all for me. "I'll be home for dinner." With that, they being to walk along the sidewalk. My eyes follow them, slightly concerned.

"Love you," I add dismally.

He looks back at me, forcing a tight lipped smile nodding in my direction. "Love you too."

I am watching them but appearing not to, my heart is hammering but I keep my gait casual with no hint of hesitation.

I come back into the house. Going back into the thought of Seth's emotional hurricane, pulling me into his vortex and, with each day, I feel the winds clipping at my core. As tempting as it is to get wrapped up in it, it always ends up being a push and pull kind of thing, which is seriously wearing on my emotional state of mind. I was always pretty adept at hiding my broken insides. When the frustration builds and I think I might literally lose it – I take a long deep breath. I want to shout, have a tantrum and beat my hands on the ground until I see bone and blood. I would love to vent, let it all out. But I am learning to deal with it, just slowly.

There were times I felt like the world was slowly disappearing in front of me. Or maybe it was just me who was fading away. Those moments it didn't mattered anyway. Because my empty burning lungs and my heart hitting my chest so hard I thought it will break my ribs and rip apart my skin were the only thing I could think about.
And the void. The black hole in my head, deep inside my soul, slowly swallowing all my hopes and dreams. That was the worst of those moments. The realization of the vacuum, the nothingness, the absurd of my existence.
Those times kept me awake at five a.m. and made me wonder: why am I living for anyway?
Maybe for me. Maybe for Seth. Did it really matter?
And when I couldn't find my answers on the ceiling, the anxiety turned into panic.

I needed to have some sort of relief before I threw up thinking too much about it all.

"Fuck!" I shout at…nothing. I hurriedly glide up the stairs back to my room to finish the smoke from this morning. I glanced at the clock and saw it was already going to be eight o clock. My eyes stopped again at the frame turned over, blinding myself from the reality of life now-a-days. My heart twisted and sunk with nerves as I waited for a sign of something, that my prayers are answered and I'm just in a dream. My breaths came in sharp pants and I tried to gain control, but nothing was working. It hurt. It HURT! I tried to breathe calmly, but every time I thought it was over, reality would swoop the rug from right under me again. Slowly, the panic and anxiety attack flowed away, and yet I still shook. My eyes, now closed and aimed towards my clasped hands, slowly opened. Trepidation swelled through me as I slowly raised my eyes yet again to the framed picture, still turned over in the same spot.

I mutter another explicative under my breath, shaking my head hoping some peace would reach me soon and start back down the stairs. My eyes shift around as I stalk out through the side door, I catch something out of my peripheral. I now look directly onto the bright blue backpack nestled in between the recyclables and the trash can. My eyes, glazed with a glassy layer of tears. As I blink, they drip from my eyelids down to my cheeks. I bite my lip with brute force, attempting to hide and sound that wanted to escape from my mouth. Tears just continuously flowed and dripped from my chin. I was too disappointed to cry or wail, I just stood there next to the house, as still as a statue while the magnitude of this realization from earlier hit me again.

He's not going to school.

I couldn't do anything. I was just as lost as he, in the torrid vortex of it all. Depression was like a seed in this household, just waiting dormant, for the right conditions to grow. To send out the roots to choke the hope out of our hearts. Only death could release me from the pain I felt for my brother. But I made him a promise, I am not going anywhere.

I just wished my mother knew how much we loved her and cared. I recall how she walked, like the soles of her feet kissed this world so lightly. My safe haven, the only one who truly saw past my flaws as to what dwelt inside. Her voice was the only salve that could ever erase my pain completely. I still seek her presence every day, fearful of losing her completely, but not being able to come to grips with what she's done to us. If a bird, butterfly or moth strays close to me I like to think it's her. She had always said that's how she'd come back. I guess, that means she is haunting me. Technically. But there are days I fill with chaos and noise to keep her ghost at bay.

Absent mindedly I struck a match and lit the joint I perched between my lips and continued numbing myself.