Spock arrived more quickly than expected and T'Leiarel couldn't help but smile at a mental image of him pushing his way through the corridors… before reminding herself that it was just a natural reaction, Spock would be feeling protective and drawn to his bondmate, and since she wasn't here then T'Leiarel was probably the closest thing and he was just projecting the emotions. She looked down for a moment.
"How can I be of assistance?" His eyes darted over her as if looking for injuries and she could feel the frustration welling.
"As I told the doctor, I am not in any danger currently, although having company is pleasant. I'm fine as long as I don't spend too much time around Vulcans." She knew it was a mistake to phrase it that way the moment the words left her mouth and Spock's posture got even more upright and formal. His hands clenched at his side.
"And I am half-human." She sighed, standing to move towards where he still stood just inside the doorway, just far enough into the room for the door to close.
"Living on Vulcan, being around my family, and my brother in particular… well I can't push aside emotions the same way most Vulcans do, that's what they mean by brain abnormalities. I can try and hide them, but I can't just… not feel." She ran her fingers down his clenched hand and slowly he turned to look at her, fingers loosening, listening at least. "I can't not feel, and being around them made me feel… like I'm not Vulcan enough, not logical enough, not perfect enough, just plain not ENOUGH. You don't make me feel like that, and I am deeply sorry if I made you feel that, especially as currently you might also be finding it difficult to stop feeling." He made a small nod of acknowledgement.
Rolling her eyes as he just stood there, she slid her hand into his, tugging him over to the couch, smiling to herself at his eyes widening. She could feel his uncertainty whispering through their fingers and she could tell by the slight narrowing of his eyes that he could feel her frustrated amusement. It was forward, making this connection, like kissing someone she barely knew on the cheek, but she needed something to shake him out of his self-focus and judgement. She released his hand as he sat, turning to face him. "So tell me about your bondmate, you must be looking forward to seeing her?" Unfortunately that seemed to be a bad question.
"I have no bondmate. My parents never made the arrangements." He left the presumed reason unsaid.
"Really? I knew T'Pring didn't work out but I was sure your parents would have someone else in mind…" Spock's head shot up at the name, that was the same name from the message. How would T'Leiarel know that name? Confused by his sudden attention she continued, assuming it was just her knowledge of the situation that he might be curious about. "She was in my class, she told everyone her parents wanted her to bond with you, and then that afternoon you got into the fight with my brother and she was bonded to Saarin instead. So you were never bonded at all?" It seemed like a sensitive topic, but she couldn't help but ask, especially given his current state.
"I attempted a relationship during my time in Starfleet, but it proved mutually unsatisfactory." Despite the topic of conversation, he felt more in control of himself here. It was probably to do with his urge to be around her, and that was likely his instincts urging him to be near her. "You said you severed your bond with Savel?"
"He did, although I'm not entirely convinced we bonded to begin with. About a week after your fight with my brother I was brought to meet Savel and our parents made us touch hands and say the words, but I was so focused on not letting him feel how scared I was about him knowing my secret that I'm not sure we really connected much. My brother let him know about my condition shortly before my exams at the Science Academy, he was considerate enough to wait until after the examinations to sever our arrangement. I left for Earth on an impulse but honestly it was the best thing I could have done." Her brother had done that to her? No wonder being around him was painful. Now he was compounding it by trying to force her back into the very same arrangement he had ruined.
"I am sorry that you had to experience that. Is it not good that you are now to enter into the bond after all?" Spock didn't feel like it was good, but with so few Vulcans left every pair was important, logically she should be with the best partner she could, and with less competition the complication of her genetics could be overlooked, unlike his own.
"No. I told my brother repeatedly that I don't want to marry." Her voice was firm, angry, though he wasn't sure why, at least until she continued. "I don't want to be someone's wife, at the beck and call of their urges, a tolerated necessity only there to breed. Just because a thing needs doing does not mean I have to be the one to do it, especially not if it means sacrificing everything that makes me who I am to do it, and risking returning to negative patterns."
Spock thought for a moment. On the one hand logically as a newly endangered species they needed as many children as possible, but on the other hand she was here, and alive, and the potential offspring she might have were just that, potential. It was a difficult situation to apply logic to. But emotion, emotion was much clearer, strangely so. He didn't want that life for her any more than she clearly wanted it for herself, he didn't want her married to a strange Vulcan on a strange world she did not want to be on. Part of that was because he wanted her to be with him, but largely it was simply because he did not want her to have to endure it.
"Then I will do what I can to prevent it." It was a few simple words, but he could visibly see the tension easing in T'Leiarel's shoulders. His finger twitched as he squashed the urge to hold her, to promise to never let her be taken away from him, it was the time, and he had no right, and she had made her disinterest in Vulcan men quite clear. His mind kept being drawn back to the dreams, he had dreamed of her. It was not surprising perhaps, as he had met very few Vulcan women, of any age, that looked at him, really looked at him, the way she had then, and did now, as someone to be understood. "Who did you dream of?" She had said she dreamed, after all, and he couldn't help but wonder who it was of.
"I suppose you could say he was my childhood hero. I used to hear stories about him, and I wondered what he must be like, what he would achieve with his life, it inspired me to do more myself." She didn't say a name, and Spock found himself wondering who she might have heard stories about… it would have to be one of his classmates for her brother to have spoken of him often, he doubted her parents would have spoken about young boys to her. Perhaps Tunek? He had been Stelev's other main friend. Tunek had died on Vulcan while using a transporter to send as many people off the planet to nearby vessels as possible, proof that some former bullies could improve. "What about your dreams? Did you dream of someone?"
"I did." He wasn't sure how to put it, but she kept looking at him with a clear interest in knowing. "A girl I did not know the name of." Which was true, he had not known at the time. "She has exceptionally beautiful eyes." Expressive, with emotions swirling through their green depths, as she smiled he could swear there was a sadness there. Was it possible for someone to be both happy and sad at once or was he simply being paranoid? He wanted to make it so she was never sad again, though logically he knew that was most certainly impossible, and even if it were something he could make possible by sheer focus it was not his place.
"Would you like to play chess?" As much as the conversation had been good, a chance to examine feelings without judgement, T'Leiarel did not want to push things and uncover more than she could handle right now. A distraction seemed exactly the thing, and chess would keep her mind occupied. She wondered how long it would take Enterprise to reach New Vulcan, so that Spock, at least, could return to not needing to examine his emotions. It was going to be a rough week after this was over.