Hermione POV

The moment he left, I couldn't help but smile. We may not be good as a couple, which was ok, I'm used to the idea of never having him. But even if we could be just friends, I'd settle for that without complaint. What surprised me most though, was the fact that he doesn't step foot into the parlor. And the fact that he was willing to be on speaking terms with me. No, I wasn't as naive as I had been as a child, I knew he wouldn't want us to be friends. We were both so stuck in how things used to be with each other that it would be a major accomplishment to consider each other friends. Even so, I felt happy that he actually cared something for me other than pity. I just had to remind myself that I am smart enough not to think of this as anything more than it really is, two schoolmates reconnecting. And who knew, maybe someday I will go over to the Manor he lives in. Face those fears that have haunted me for years.

I know my face lit up at the sound of a library. But what people don't know is this: while I still love reading, libraries aren't my life. There are other things I like to do. Throughout school, and even now I spend most of my time reading, strictly because I have to work so much harder than the rest of my peers. Yes, I can spit out entire paragraphs, even pages of textbook material. That doesn't mean anything. I have to work harder than everyone else because I'm different. I don't fit in anywhere. I'm not that pretty, even if my wild hair has calmed down in the last two years. People also consider me boring. I don't have a good sense of humor, at least one that most people find entertaining, I even sometimes..well...most of the time take things too seriously. Someone could be joking about my hair, my freckles, my teeth, and I will probably hit you, or run away crying.

When Draco had left, I suddenly felt alone. I wanted to send him an owl, but I still needed to send the application to McGonnagall so I could be considered as a potions apprentice next term. Maybe I should go to Diagon Alley tomorrow and get a second owl. Probably not. I picked up my application, rolling it, and tying a string around it, attaching it to Riannon's leg, and she flew out the window, leaving me alone. I stood and cleaned up what little mess I had before walking up the stairs to my bedroom.

I didn't lie to him when I told him my favorite color had been green. My curtains and comforter were both a dark, mossy green, while my sheets and pillow cases were black. My carpet was white, and my walls were painted a pastel green. I liked to keep the rooms in my house light and airy. But maybe that's why I felt so alone. The light colors in each room made the house seem more empty, to big for just one girl.

I put on my pajamas and curled up under the blankets after setting my wards. When sleep didn't come to me, I pulled my diary out from under my pillow.

Dear Diary,

This habit I have of only writing when I can't sleep should stop. I should take a moment every night to write, then maybe I can relax every night. The nightmares continue, but they seem to have lessened. Now that I'm really thinking about it, it has been at least three weeks since my last truly horrifying one.

Three weeks ago, I ran into none other than Draco Malfoy in Diagon Alley when I had gone to the apothecary for more potions ingredients. Of course, Rita Skeeter couldn't help but be there, and caught it on camera. I have yet to see what she has written, I don't get the Daily Prophet anymore. When I had found that she still wrote for it, I canceled my subscription. I guess I should find someone who has that particular day's article.

He was so kind, and listened to me. He even came with me to pick up my order, and asked me to go to Flourish and Blott's with him. I told him about Anthony. Today would have been his first birthday, had I not miscarried. Occasionally I still find myself blaming myself for losing him, even though I know that what Bellatrix Lestrange did to me in the war was to cause, and that I could not have done anything about it.

He held me. He saw how hurt I was, walked over and held me. What I wouldn't give for him to do it again.

He came over again today after I hadn't sent him an owl. He brought me an application for an apprenticeship at Hogwarts. He told me that he's taken the position as Potions professor after Christmas. And he wants me to apprentice under him then. When we were talking, he let slip that he cared about me. I was surprised, to say the least. I asked him to stay, and he did. And we talked for several hours. When he did leave, I felt so alone. It was different.

I'm not going to lie to myself, I wish we could be more than on speaking terms. I want to become friends, and then eventually more. But I'm also afraid to be in a relationship with someone. What if they want children? Oh, how I hate Bellatrix! If there is anyone who deserved what she got, and more, it was definitely her.

Still no progress in my research. There are already so many potions that help with the effects of the cruciatus curse. I wish we had Professor Snape still. I know for sure that he would have been able to point me in the right direction.

I'm starting to get tired, finally. I guess I should finish up and go to bed, but I still feel like there is so much I need to get out. Unfortunately, however, I also can't think of it at all. Harry still doesn't answer my owls, though I hear that he's had two children. Both boys, Albus Severus, and James Sirius. Ron's married now, and won't talk to me either. I haven't seen Parvati yet, but I hear that she is pregnant as well. I hope that Ron is happy with her...I know now that I could never have made him happy, even if I were able to have children.

Happy Birthday Anthony, wherever you are now. Mama loves you, and always will.

Hermione Granger.

I took a deep breath, pushing my tears away, and throwing the diary back underneath my pillow. I settled in for a long restless night.