Chapter Four

It was a Thursday evening and Hutch was sat next to Starsky's bed, reading a book. Starsky was sat cross-legged on the bed engrossed in a comic. Hutch kept sneaking looks at him: glad to see his friend was mobile enough now to sit cross-legged. They'd been told earlier in the day that Starsky could be released on Monday and they were both excited at the prospect.

There was a light tapping sound and Tom stuck his head round the door. "Mind if I come in?"

"No, come on in," Starsky said with a smile. "I was hoping to see you. I might be out of here on Monday."

"So I heard. That's good news!" Tom said. He walked over to Hutch and shook his hand. "Nice to see you again Ken. How are you doing?"

Hutch smiled at the Chaplain as he shook his hand. "A lot better, thanks…Thanks for the chat the other day."

A couple of weeks ago, Starsky had finally persuaded Hutch have a chat with Tom. Tom had been in Starsky's room when Hutch arrived to visit and Starsky had insisted that the two of them go get a coffee together. Reluctantly, Hutch had gone along to the hospital cafeteria with Tom and sat awkwardly as the Chaplain made some observations about Starsky's recovery. By getting Hutch to focus on his partner not himself, Tom had managed to get Hutch talking and they'd ended up having almost an hour's chat. He'd even managed to get Hutch to write down some ideas of what he thought he might be doing in ten years' time, what he'd like to be doing. He'd asked Hutch if he could keep a copy of what he'd written and Hutch had said it was okay. Hutch had to admit he was feeling a lot better since their talk.

"No problem," Tom was saying. "It's been a pleasure talking to both of you."

"So any words of wisdom before I escape?" Starsky asked.

"As a matter of fact, yes…Be proud of what you've accomplished. Your determination has got you to where you want to be."

"Thanks."

"There's more! Remember to be kind to yourself on days you're feeling weak or discouraged. Let your friends help you and don't forget to be open to new opportunities."

"Woah, that's quite a mouthful there Tom."

Tom grinned. "I know I talk too much. Occupational hazard!"

Starsky turned serious for a moment. "Well, you've really helped me so…thanks, thanks for everything."

"You're welcome. I wish you both all the best."

Tom pulled two white envelopes out of his jacket pocket and held them in front of him. "Before I go, I wanted to give you these…These are some of your own words about what you want for the future."

"Okay," Starsky and Hutch spoke together.

"There's a catch," Tom said. "I want you to give your words to each other and read them."

Starsky shrugged but Hutch looked really uncomfortable. Tom handed Starsky a sealed envelope that said 'For Hutch' on the front. He turned to the blond detective who looked as if he wanted to be anywhere else. He gave him the envelope marked 'For Starsky'.

"Ken, I promise you this will be all right."

Hutch swallowed hard and protested, "But some of the things I wrote…"

When he faltered, Starsky looked at him curiously. Tom just smiled.

"I promise you it will be all right. Trust me."

Hutch nodded.

"Well, I'll leave you to it now. Take care of each other and again I wish you all the best." Tom smiled reassuringly at Hutch and nodded to Starsky as he went out of the room.

Starsky waited for Hutch to say something but his blond partner was avoiding looking at him. "Buddy, what's worrying you?"

Hutch looked at the floor as he said, "It's just I know I wrote down some things that were just frustration talking. I don't even remember half of what I wrote. If there is something that hurts your feelings, will you let me explain?"

"Hutch, look at me."

Reluctantly, Hutch raised his eyes up to Starsky's face.

"You don't need to ask buddy. Anything you say is okay and, of course, I'll let you explain what you really mean…Okay?...Shall we do this?"

Hutch took a breath and nodded. He and Starsky swapped envelopes and carefully opened them.

Both letters started the same way: 'In ten years' time, if I couldn't still be a homicide detective, I would be…'

Both men broke out laughing, as they read the first item on the list. It was the same – 'robbing banks in Bolivia'. They looked at each other and grinned.

Starsky looked down and continued reading Hutch's list (although it quickly seemed to turn into a long screed):

'I would be:

Playing my guitar to earn money.

Working as a waiter at The Pits- although I'd be terrible at it.

Fishing.

Training new rookies?

I don't know if I even want to carry on being a cop! Sometimes, it's just too damn hard. I don't know what I'd do if I ever lost Starsky. This time was too close. I don't want to go through that again.

Our job's too dangerous. Will we even make it to 40? Not the rate we're going? I want Starsky to be around when I'm old and grey. I want us to see each other's children grow up. I want to go to baseball games and go camping with our kids. I don't think I can have a family and still be a detective. I can't tell Starsk that. It's all he wants. It's the only thing that's got him back on his feet, that goal to go back to being a cop. I can't take that away from him.

I guess becoming a training officer in a few years' time might be possible. We'd hopefully still both be alive and that role would put us in less danger. We'd both be able to pass on our knowledge to help save younger cops from harm. We'd see each other every shift but we wouldn't be so close. I would miss that closeness so much. Maybe we'd drift apart if we weren't partners?

BUT maybe being apart would make the time we had together better, sweeter?

I don't know what I want to do. Maybe time will show me the answer.

All I know is, if all I get to have is Starsky, it will have to be enough because I can't be without him. Ever.'

Starsky felt tears in his eyes as he finished reading. He wondered how Hutch was getting on with reading his note. He was pretty sure he would know when Hutch got to the end.

Hutch read Starsky's note:

'I would be:

A beach bum.

Working at The Pits as a bartender – I'd be great at it!

Teaching PT at the Academy?

Training new rookies?

I can't wait to get back to being a cop, can't wait to get back to being Hutch's partner. It's where I belong.

But I guess ten years is a long time. We're not getting any younger. Can we keep the pace up or will we get slow and sloppy? Will I put Hutch in danger? I couldn't bear that. I couldn't lose him. It would kill me.

And I know he's not happy. Seeing all the bad stuff we see, gets him down. I wish he'd talk to me about it 'cause Hutch is more important than the job. If he needs to do something else - God, that thought hurts - but if he needs to do something else then that's something we need to talk about and plan for. Because I want Hutch around forever. I want us to take our kids to the park or the beach or baseball games. But never camping!

I gotta let him know it's okay if he doesn't want to carry on being a cop forever as long as I've got him in my life forever. That'll be enough for me.'

Hutch uttered a relieved dry sob as he finished reading Starsky's note. Starsky was off the bed in a flash and pulling his partner to his feet and into his arms.

"Ya big lummox. Why didn't ya tell me how you were feeling?"

Hutch couldn't speak yet. Starsky squeezed him so hard Hutch thought he might be snapped in two then he released him and hopped back onto the bed. Hutch felt bereft but the Starsky radar was still working. He patted the bed next to him.

"Come here."

Hutch did as he was asked and sat beside his best friend, shoulders touching: warmth and reassurance being radiated between them.

"We need to talk buddy, about everything. Make a plan for the future. We used to do that: remember our plans at the Academy, remember you nagging me to become a detective?"

Hutch nodded.

"So no more hiding things from me? Promise."

Hutch knocked his shoulder into Starsky's. "I promise."

"Good…So our kids going to baseball games together. Sounds good."

"It does," Hutch agreed. "I do have one question though Starsk."

"What's that?"

"Why won't you let me take your kids camping?"

"Oh, you can take the kids! It's just you're not taking me! I hate camping. You know I hate camping. I ain't never going camping again."

"You and your double negatives. You drive me crazy Starsky!" Hutch said sternly but within seconds he was giggling.

Starsky shook his head at his giggling partner, saying, "You drive me crazy too! But I wouldn't have it any other way buddy."