The Weight of Deafness In Love and Survival The 100

Chapter 11- Silence

I sighed as I sat and leaned against the wall of the dropship looking at my hands after just being able to watch Monty work on the wristbands and Clarke tend to Jasper who had apparently started to stir, moaning and groaning, during the night for a while. Though I wouldn't know what Jasper was actually doing for sure as Clarke had told me to turn my processor off to sleep once she came back last night and not to turn it back on until I absolutely needed to when she woke me up this morning. I assume she did so to try and help conserve what little was left from the battery since she and Wells already knew of its battery life. Though I guess it could also be so I couldn't listen to the pain Jasper was in with the pained groans from my past already haunting my dreams.

I didn't know anything about engineering so I couldn't help Monty and I couldn't help Clarke with Jasper any more than helping clean around the wound. But was I really so useless that I couldn't help build the wall or collect resources around camp? Was it really necessary for Clarke or Wells to stop me when I tried to go to the lower level of the dropship? But maybe I shouldn't have thought it wouldn't be like this. That I wouldn't be under watch before my processor's battery ran out and without being caught on my actions of yesterday. I mean, Clarke and Wells knew about my processors life span from the very beginning. Maybe I should be thankful that they care about me, even if their caring could be suffocating at times. I'm just relieved that I didn't tell Monty and Octavia about Murphy. If I had, I'm sure they would tell and I would actually be locked up here with Jasper.

But…I had no idea how to figure it out by myself. Jona was really my only friend I had had on Arrow station so maybe Murphy did just like me somehow and wasn't even from Arrow station. It would probably be better if I could just ask Murphy himself but how could I? There was no guarantee that he wouldn't treat me like the others on the Ark if I did talk to him. I was lucky Monty, Finn, Octavia, and Jasper didn't when I did end up talking during our attempted trip to Mount Weather, when talking about Jona with Monty, or when talking about my processor with both Monty and Octavia.

I'm dragged out of my thoughts by a hand being placed on my head. I quickly look up in the direction of the owner, a happy looking Octavia. I blink at her in surprise and question causing her to get a large smile on her face before she removed her hand and held it out to me. So I hesitantly reach out and take it causing her to immediately pull me up. She then turns and starts pulling me with her to the ladder so I quickly look towards Clarke, who just nodded. I guess whatever Octavia was doing with me had already been approved.

Once we get to the lower level of the dropship I reach up to turn my processor back on but she stops me. I give her a confused look so she just tells me "Trial run." Now it all made sense, Octavia had somehow convinced them to let me head out of the dropship without turning on my processor in the name of practice on what will happen when it no longer works at all. In truth it also made sense so I could probably turn it back on when needed for the rest of the time we're here until it runs out that way or we find a way to recharge or replace the battery.

I nod so she lets go of my hand while telling me "Clarke told Monty and I that you can read lips when they are facing you when we asked about teaching us that signing thing." I nod again so she grins and says "But I'm still going to learn how to because I figured you don't feel comfortable talking to people using your voice." So I nod, yet again, and give her a small smile causing her to ruffle my hair as she says "Thought so. But if you get messed with call out, alright?" Thus, I huff and send her my 'I know' look before brushing her hand off my head causing her to laugh as she turn around and head out of the dropship.

I take a deep breath before I step towards the doorway but pause, my fingers just brushing the parachute covering it. I knew what to do when I got into trouble but could one of them actually come to help when I needed it? Wouldn't they also get stopped like Clarke and I when Wells and Murphy got into it when we got here? I know I said I could but would I really be able to handle never being able to hear what's coming at me down here? Could I really survive not only the grounders but the others down here without help?

Shaking my head of those thoughts, I push the parachute out of the way, walk off the ramp, and look around at everyone as they were working on building the wall, making weapons, throwing wood onto a pile, or just messing around. I wondered what all of this would have been like if I wouldn't have lost my hearing or if Jona was here with me. But would he have had done something to get himself arrested? Would we have even stayed friends after I was moved to Alpha station? After I could no longer hear without my processor?

I quickly shake my head of those thoughts and start walking in the direction of that waterfall wondering if I had really become this down on myself. Wasn't I still the same person I was back on Arrow station? Wouldn't I be happy if Jona was still alive even if he wasn't my friend anymore? Wouldn't I give anything to have him call me that ridiculous nickname just one more time even if I couldn't hear it? That Jona was somehow still alive and I'd just been lied to? But what would I actually do if I had been lied to? I mean, wouldn't have Clarke or Wells told me the truth all those times I would start crying when something would remind me of him those first few years? Why would they lie to me in the first place? It's not like there would be any point.

That's when I stop and look at my feet with a sigh. The Snows have only ever treated me as if I was their own daughter. Clarke and Wells have only ever treated me as their friend…like their little sister. Chancellor Jaha and the Griffins have always treated me as if I had been there my whole life. Sure they sent us all down here but it was a chance not just for us but for humanity to live. There wouldn't be any point for them to take away my best friend.

I look up then, disappointed in myself that I was even thinking that they would have. I should be thinking about how this wasn't the Ark and it probably wasn't a good idea for me to go off on my own. Not only were there probably some of those from the Ark that had bullied me in the past that no longer had to worry about majorly hurting or even killing me but there was also the Grounders who are sure to want us all dead. I should be thinking that I'm lucky that I hadn't been spotted by them while I was distracted with those crazy thoughts.

Looking around, at the starting to darken forest, I wonder if I had actually been spotted and was being watched or followed. But if I had been spotted by a grounder wouldn't I be dead and if I was being followed by someone wouldn't they have already made themselves known this far from camp? Maybe I should just head back and see if one of the others would go with me tomorrow. But should I even go at all? I shouldn't really have someone come with me on a whim. Not when there's so much to do around camp. Not when I'm alone within my world of silence. And definitely not when I don't think about how close to darkness it was before I headed out.

This thought causes me to sigh, turn around, and start the silent trek back to camp.