A/N: To my reviewer who asked, the name Lupo just kind of happened. In the midst of writing, I didn't stop…I didn't allow myself to think and I guess my brain was just like "Large canine derived from the Latin word Lupus…Lupo" and it just flowed the way I wanted it to. The only two dogs (three if you count the little dog Jason tried to peg with a newspaper) in the show, Shadow (Jenna's Seeing-Eye Dog) and Pepe were only in one episode and I didn't want to use either of those names. Thanks for all your reviews and interactions and input. I see you all (and I just want to say thanks so much to the reviewer who said I deserve the world. You have no idea how much I needed that, as life is kicking me in the face right now. I'm sure your fic/book will be wonderful).
Chapter 7:
Whirly Girly
The next few days were rocky. Fortunately, Emily started to improve with the antibiotics. Alison tried to get her to talk more about the situation at the bar, but Emily shut down.
It was frustrating, but Alison knew it was all a part of it. At the very least, Emily was still alive. She even took some initiative to live by going out to a dance club with Hanna and Mona to celebrate Mona's release from the mental health facility. Alison had been worried about how Emily would do with the crowds and the noise, but Emily told her everything would be fine.
Emily walked up to the club with Alison by her side. She tried not to hover near Alison when they went out together, but when they were in a crowd of people it was just a natural reflex. Alison didn't mind. She was actually more preoccupied with the fact that she was going out to party with people she was counseling. She was certain that it was some kind of breach in the code of ethics.
"This is a terrible idea." Alison rustled around in her pocket for her ID as they neared the front door.
"Oh, relax."
"It's horribly unorthodox. It's unethical."
"You say all the time that we're all just people, right?"
"Yeah, but…"
"You're always on me about getting out there and living. You should practice what you preach."
"I wasn't even invited. I was your plus one." She sounded like a petty high schooler, but she didn't care.
Emily saw the frustrated look on her face. It made her smile. Over the course of the past few weeks she'd really started to pay attention to the little things about the blonde. She was adorable when she was mad.
"Mona said she just forgot. Don't be so dramatic, Ali. Of course they want you here."
Alison stopped when they got to the door. She handed the bouncer her driver's license. He looked it over.
Emily looked around for the closest exit as they stepped forward. She made eye contact with the bouncer. She handed him her ID, hoping against hope he wouldn't say anything. He looked the ID over carefully, scrutinizing the details. He stared at Emily's picture and then looked at her.
Don't. She begged in thought.
The bouncer smiled at her.
"Hey, happy birthday."
Shit.
"It's your birthday?" Alison's eyes lit up. "Why didn't you say anything?"
Didn't feel like celebrating being born.
"Can we not make a whole thing of this? Tonight is about Mona."
"We could make it a double celebration." Alison was so very annoyingly thoughtful. She was very type A. It drove Emily mad sometimes. "We could at least get you a cake or something…"
Emily cringed. Birthdays only served as a reminder that her family was dead. Her brother wasn't around anymore to shove cake in her face. Her sister wasn't around to make her have a stupid birthday tea party. Her mom wasn't around to bake her favorite cookies. Her dad wasn't around to give her piggyback rides.
"I said drop it, Alison." Emily grumbled gruffly.
Alison didn't miss the expression on her face. Before she could reply they heard someone calling to them from across the dance floor.
"Emily!"
They looked over and saw Charles waving to them. He was in a pair of lowrider jeans and a pink and white crop top that Emily had given him.
"Hey, Dr. DiLaurentis!" He paraded across the dance floor, popping-and-locking his way through the party-goers.
He had glowsticks and glitter all over his body. He looked so happy and free. He'd come a long way with his therapy.
"Charles, we've talked about this. Just call me Ali. I'm not an actual doctor."
"Not yet. But you will be." Charles smiled.
"That top looks great on you, Charles." Emily pointed out.
Emily had seen him slowly come to accept himself in their sessions. She wasn't sure exactly how much Alison was helping her, but she knew for a fact that she was helping everyone else.
"Aw, thanks. Come dance with us." Charles took Emily's hand.
Emily jumped. She wasn't fond of being touched. He realized he'd upset her, so he started to pull away. Emily brushed it off.
Emily and Alison followed him across the dance floor to where his date Andrew was waiting. Mona, Hanna, and Melissa were with him.
"Hey, you made it!" Mona was the first to break away from the crowd.
She was in a short black and red stripped skirt and a fiery red spaghetti strap shirt which left very little to the imagination. She looked happy and healthy. Emily was happy for her. Alison was beyond thrilled to see her doing so well.
"So that's where you ran off to." Andrew smiled at Charles and took his hand. "I haven't seen you run like that since you heard there was a sale at Nordstrom."
"Speaking of, I am holding you to that promise to take me shopping." Mona looked Charles. "Doesn't his top look tres fabulous?"
"Emily got it for me."
"Ahh, GI Jane has got an eye for fashion. I knew it." Mona teased her.
"Not at all." Emily laughed. "He told me he wanted it. We literally looked it up in a catalogue."
"Well, I have to thank you personally, because I like taking it off of him." Andrew smiled coyly.
Emily nearly choked on her laughter.
"Babe." Charles shied away in embarrassment.
"Hey, I'm Andrew." He introduced himself.
"Emily." Emily waved.
"I'm Alison."
"And now that we've all played the name game how about we get some fucking shots over here?" Hanna suggested.
Alison cringed. The alcohol was another reason she didn't want to come. It destroyed her when she saw Emily throwing her health away.
Emily didn't actively seek out alcohol, so Alison knew her dependence on it wasn't solely because of addiction. She didn't usually overindulge unless something triggered her. It was a coping habit more than anything.
They had been working on more positive coping mechanisms. Emily liked to swim, so Alison encouraged that. And she was passionate about drawing, so Alison had turned one of her extra bedrooms in her house into an art studio. She was doing her best to help Emily stay healthy.
Alison was so deep in thought that she didn't even realize the others had walked away.
Emily touched her arm to try and draw her back into reality. It was hilarious to Emily that anyone could zone out in the middle of the club during a Beyonce number.
"I'm not going to go crazy." Emily assured her. "You don't have to worry."
"I wasn't worried." Alison sputtered back with a nervous laugh.
Emily smiled.
She's so fucking adorable.
"You're a terrible liar." Emily took her hand. "Come on."
"It's just that you don't have the greatest track record when it comes to alcohol and crowds." Alison trailed along behind her. "Not to mention it's bad for your liver…"
"Yes, well, seeing as how I have someone who refuses to let me die, I'm not terribly worried about death these days." Except for the fact that it was the first thought on her mind when she got up every morning and the last thing she considered before going to sleep at night. "It's my birthday and I'll drink if I want to."
"Don't be a smartass about this. I can't do anything to help you if you drink yourself into liver failure."
"Exactly. We can't control it." Emily stopped moving.
Alison stopped right behind her. She looked at her in confusion. Why had they stopped in the middle of the dance floor? Emily took her other hand.
"There are things in the universe that we can't reason with, things we can't stop. Life is a balance of time and letting go." Emily curled her fingers into Alison's. "You need to accept that this is out of your control."
"That's bullshit." Alison argued. "This is one thing you can control."
"Remember what I said about falling off of the face of the Earth? How I can't let go?" She moved closer and her lips were close to Alison's ear. "You're holding on so tight that it makes it impossible for me to breathe sometimes."
"I'm sorry I care." Alison rolled her eyes.
"Oh, don't sulk." Emily pushed her lips out into a pout, mocking Alison. "Look around." Emily motioned. "Am I at the fucking bar, or am I here…dancing with you?"
"You and I both know where the night is going to end up."
"Have a little faith in me. Shut your annoying pesky little brain up…" Emily tapped Alison's temple, "…and dance with me."
Emily pulled Alison towards her. Alison didn't resist her. She couldn't resist her. There was something so captivating about being in her orbit. They moved together for a few seconds, their bodies pressing together. Then Emily lifted Alison's arm and spun her around. She wrapped her arms around Alison's stomach. Alison could feel Emily's pelvis against her as they grinded to the beat of the song.
She felt Emily resting her chin on her shoulder. She reached up and put her palm against Emily's cheek. Her skin was hot and sweaty. Out of the corner of her eyes, Alison could see her cheeks glistening in the flashing color strobe lights.
Neither one of them saw the flash of the camera aimed at them from across the dance floor.
They danced together for a few songs, and then they joined the others at the bar. They'd found a spot that was close enough to the music so that they could still enjoy it, but far enough away from the speakers that they didn't have to scream to talk to one another.
Melissa was chatting it up with some jock down at the end of the bar. The boys were dancing. Mona and Hanna were drinking cocktails. Mona heard a song she liked and ran out on to the dance floor.
Just as Alison and Emily were about to sit down Alison felt a vibration from her phone buzzing in her pocket. She pulled it out and tensed up when she saw the caller ID.
"Oh." She looked at the screen. "Um…I've got to take this."
"Booty call?" Emily smiled a cheeky smile at her. When Alison didn't laugh Emily frowned. "Is everything okay?"
"It's my brother." She looked at the out-of-town area code and recognized the penitentiary's number. "I'm going to try and find a place that's a little quieter."
"Hey…stay inside." Emily didn't like the idea of her walking outside by herself in the middle of the night.
Alison nodded as she picked up.
"Yes, I'll accept the charges."
She walked away from the noise. She heard her brother's voice on the other end of the phone, but she couldn't hear what he was saying. It made her nervous that he was calling at this time of night.
"Hold on, Jason. I can't hear you." As she walked towards the restrooms the music started to fade.
"Ali? You there?"
"Yeah. I'm here. Sorry. I'm out with some friends. What's up? Is everything okay? Are you hurt? Did someone come at you with a weapon again?"
"No. No, it's nothing like that," Jason replied. "I talked to my lawyer today. Someone is calling the evidence into question."
"But…but I thought the case was settled. The plea deal…"
"They can review a case any time they want. And if new things come to light they can request to look into it. They want to talk to me."
"So…what does that mean? Do…do they know?"
"Doesn't matter what they know. Only you and I know the truth. And it's going to stay that way. If anyone asks, you stick to our story…"
Alison leaned against the wall, letting her head fall back against the cheap plaster.
Emily watched her from across the room. She could tell something was wrong, but she didn't know what to do. She took a sip of the bourbon that she'd ordered.
Hanna downed a shot and then looked at Emily.
"You're fucking her, right?" Hanna asked.
Emily nearly choked on her drink.
"What?"
One time.
But Emily wasn't sure what they were doing. What she had with Alison was beyond her comprehension. She'd never been vulnerable with anyone before. And they hadn't had sex since the hospital.
"Hmm, interesting." Hanna smirked. "Didn't hear a 'no'. So, what's she like?"
"Excuse me?"
"In bed."
Emily wanted to tell her that it wasn't so much the sex that had opened her eyes to Alison. It was all the little moments they shared. It was about the times Alison had taken her hand and pulled her back from the brink of the darkness, even though Emily always bitched about it.
"You know, I always had this fantasy. That whole 'doctor-patient' thing," Hanna said. "I've hit on her a few times. She's brushed me away every time. She doesn't get involved with her clientele like that. So you must have a magic fucking pussy."
"Jesus Christ, Hanna. Would you shut up?"
"Oh, relax. You have nothing to be jealous of. I've got…other things happening." She looked at Mona doing a wildly seductive dance on the dance floor. Hanna had her eyes trained on the petite little brunette. "I'm just saying, I recognize hot."
"It's not what you think." Emily glanced at Alison again, making sure she was still okay.
There were far too many people in the club. Emily didn't feel comfortable with Alison going off on her own.
She chugged another mouthful of her drink. She glanced at the clock. She was giving it two more minutes. Then she was going over there.
"She's a really good person," Hanna said.
"I know."
"I don't think I've ever had anyone look at me the way she looks at you," she sighed.
Emily glanced at Hanna. She could still see Alison in her peripheral vision.
"You have Mona."
"We're just casual." Hanna picked at the plate of untouched food in front of her. "We both know that right now it's the best thing. We're just having fun. Sometimes with each other. Sometimes with hot frat boys…" Her eyes drifted to the guy flirting with Melissa. She turned back and looked at Mona again. She started picking at her nails. "Besides, she's better now. And I don't want to screw up her progress."
"We're all works-in-progress, Hanna," Emily said, glancing at the full plate of food in front of her. "You should eat something. You'll get sick if you drink on an empty stomach."
"The food here tastes like cigarette smoke and sweat. I'll get something later."
"Hanna…" Emily looked at her disapprovingly. "Eat a fucking French fry before I hold you down and force that entire tray of them in your mouth."
Hanna glared at Emily. She grabbed a fry and then dipped it in ketchup. She shoved it in her mouth while maintaining eye contact with Emily. She chewed angrily.
"Happy?"
"Good." Emily nodded. "Now do that a few more times."
She glanced at Alison again.
It had been two minutes. She left Hanna to fight with her food and made her way over to where Alison was standing.
"I love you, too, Jase."
Emily overheard her say goodbye to her brother before hanging up the phone.
"You good?" Emily asked.
"Huh?" Alison glanced at her. She had a deer-in-the-headlights look on her face. "Yeah. It's just…lawyer stuff."
"Good news?" Emily asked.
"I'm not sure yet." Alison put her phone away.
She seemed visibly shaken, which upset Emily.
"Hey, you want to get out of here?" Emily asked.
"What?" Alison questioned, still distracted. "No. No, I came here to support Mona. She deserves it."
"Mona is a half a cocktail away from taking her top off and flashing the place for some beads." Emily motioned to Mona dragging Hanna across the dance floor.
"All the more reason to stay. She shouldn't be drinking."
"If it was up to you, no one would ever be able to drink."
"It's different with her, Emily." Alison glared at her.
"Why? Because of her personality disorder?" Emily asked. "She's not doing this every night. She's been doing the program. She's earned the right to have a little fun."
"I know. It's just that she's been with the program for a very long time and I don't want to see her slip."
"She's fine. She has Hanna looking out for her. And Charles."
"And Melissa." Alison realized she had a point.
"Melissa has some frat asshole balls deep in her right now." Emily scoffed. She got a laugh out of Alison, which is what she'd been trying to accomplish. "You've created a support system here. You don't always have to take care of everyone else."
Alison looked at everyone having fun. And she realized she was being an uptight bitch. So she grabbed Emily's hand and nodded.
"Let's dance."
They shared a few more dances and then Emily had to take a break to get some air. The club was getting too hot and too crowded. She went out to a terrace overlooking the city. She had no idea that someone was back in the club watching her from a window.
Once she caught her breath she went back inside. She was going to tell Alison that she was ready to bail, but she was bombarded with a loud barrage of the entire club singing "Happy Birthday". One of the workers walked towards her with a cake.
"Ali…" Emily glared angrily at her.
"I might have told Mona it was your birthday."
"I told you not to." She grit her teeth.
Alison shrugged sheepishly.
Emily hated herself for not telling Alison why she didn't want the reminder that it was her birthday. She clutched her hands tightly. She looked at the tendons running down her knuckles.
She remembered a time when birthdays actually meant something to her.
Ethan loved her birthday more than she did. He seized any opportunity he could to paint her with food. Even when they were adults. At her last birthday the guys in the squad had serenaded her with a personalized version of "Happy Birthday".
"Happy birthday to you. Let's get drunk enough to puke in the loo. You pound shots with the best of them. And your ass is bangin', too."
Emily had been half annoyed, but half impressed that their little pea brains had come up with something that creative. Still, she'd given them hell.
"You're bitches. All of you."
"We learned from the best. We bow to you, Your Bitchiness."
"Eat me, Kahn."
"Time and place, baby."
Ethan had come out of nowhere and smudged her face with cake covered in blue and white frosting. One of the guys commented on how it looked like a smurf had jacked off on her.
"You're disgusting. The whole lot of you." Ethan had frowned before turning to his sister and hugging her. "Happy birthday, smoosh-face!"
"You're the worst big brother ever."
She would give anything to have another birthday with her brother shoving cake in her face. Seeing cake now just made her want to puke.
She pulled away from the crowd after the song was over. She listened to a few minutes of everyone around her wishing her a happy birthday. She felt like she was dying inside.
He's not here. And it's your fault.
She wanted to storm out, but she knew that Alison would follow her. Instead, she just said she had to go to the bathroom. She walked past the bathroom and towards the exit, hoping no one had seen her.
She had every intention of leaving and finding a quiet place to cool off, but when she got to the door she couldn't do it. She felt like she was abandoning the only people left in the world who cared about her.
She propped the door open and walked outside into an alley. It was just the moment's peace that she needed. She could still hear the bustle of the club, but she could also hear the trees rustling in the wind.
She reached into her pocket and pulled out a twisted up ball of saran wrap. She picked at the edges and unrolled the clear plastic until she got it open. She stared at the two tablets in her open palm.
She thought about taking them. She wanted to take them. But what good would it do? She curled her fingers around the drugs and squeezed gently. She sighed and then wrapped them back up and shoved them back into her pocket.
She stayed outside, staring at the stars through the light pollution of the city. Even though they weren't as pronounced as they were away from the bright lights, she could still feel a connection to the stars.
Sometimes when things got too hard for her when she was younger her brother would take her out to look at the night sky. And everything would feel okay again. It was the little moments she held on to.
She sighed and turned and walked back inside, closing the door behind her. She walked back down the hallway leading to the restrooms.
They had several individual rooms with open stalls. The first two doors were locked, but the third one was unlocked. When she opened the door she heard a thumping noise over the sound of the music.
"Hello?" But her voice was drowned out by the bass pumping through the thin walls.
There was no response. All she could hear was the loud beat and people laughing and yelling over the music.
She walked over to the sink and ran the cool tap water into her palms and then splashed her face. She patted it dry and then reached into her pocket and pulled out the tablets.
She heard the thumping noise again and she spun around towards the walls of the bathroom stall. She cautiously walked towards the sound. She walked over towards the open area. She heard a moan and then another thump.
She looked around the corner and saw Mona holding Hanna against the wall with her hand in Hanna's pants. Hanna's arm was wound around Mona's ass cheek, her fingers underneath her skirt.
Emily accidentally dropped the pills. Hanna looked over Mona's shoulder at Emily and saw her scrambling to pick the meds up.
As Emily was getting back to her feet she saw Hanna smile wickedly at her. Before she could back out of the room Hanna moved her hand out from underneath Mona's skirt. She stuck her fingers in her mouth.
Emily knew she was doing it to piss her off, so she flipped Hanna off and then turned and walked away.
She looked for Alison and saw her dancing with Charles and Andrew. Emily waved to let her know she hadn't gone AWOL. Then she made her way back to the bar and ordered a bourbon.
A few minutes later a disheveled Hanna came over and took the seat next to her. Hanna threaded her fingers through her hair and reached into her purse to grab her lipstick. She reapplied it and then faced Emily with a smile.
"What the fuck was that in there?" Emily lifted a brow at her.
"What?" Hanna sipped her drink. "You told me to eat."
Emily laughed. A genuine laugh. It shocked her system in a lot of ways. She hadn't felt that kind of raw joy in a long time. It was different than the kind of happiness that Alison made her feel.
"When I first saw you two I knew you were banging one another in the supply closet."
"I'm offended." Hanna scoffed. "It was the on-call room. Mona stole a keycard."
Someone put a bourbon down in front of Emily, but she was too busy listening to Hanna that she wasn't paying close enough attention to realize that it wasn't the bartender.
Hanna put her lipstick away and then looked up at Emily again.
"Why don't you like your birthday?"
"Who says I don't?"
"Your face." Hanna shrugged. "You ran off the first chance you could get. So, what is it? Burn yourself on a birthday candle or something?"
Burned myself on life.
"Sure. Let's go with that." It was better than her answer. Why celebrate life when you're already dead?
"So…" Hanna frowned. "You thinking about swallowing a bunch of pills again?"
Shit. She saw.
Emily was surprised Hanna had caught that little detail while she was in the middle of having sex.
"That's not what those were for."
"Why do you have them?"
"It's hard to explain." Emily shuffled uncomfortably. "It's like…kind of like a security blanket. I don't need them. But I know they're there."
"What happens if you feel like you do need them one day?"
"Two is hardly enough to cause a buzz. That's why I only have two."
"Does Ali know you have them?"
"No." Emily reached for her drink. "She'd freak."
"You should get rid of them."
"They're just there. They're not hurting anyone."
"They're hurting you." Hanna surprised Emily when she tenderly reached out and touched her arm with a sincere look on her face. "You don't get to come in here and tell me to flip my eating disorder off and not expect me to repay the favor. We look out for one another. It's what we do." She glanced at Emily's pocket. "Toss them."
"Okay."
No chance in hell.
She was only telling Hanna what she knew she wanted to hear. She'd delivered her response convincingly, because Hanna smiled in victory.
Emily took a sip of her bourbon. It burned going down. The flavor was off. She made a face.
"Whiskey sour?" Hanna guessed.
"Bourbon," she replied. "Tastes weird." She glanced at the glass. "They probably watered it down." She put the glass down and pushed it away.
"Wanna dance?" Hanna questioned.
"You smell like sex." Emily teased her.
"Aw, thanks for noticing." Hanna grabbed her arm and pulled her towards the dance floor.
Emily begrudgingly followed her. Hanna was a pain in the ass, but sometimes she made her loosen up. Hanna wildly danced around for a few minutes, her tempo changing every time the song changed. It made Emily laugh. Emily didn't join in much, but she enjoyed the enthusiastic dancing her friend was showcasing.
After the fourth song change Emily started to feel weird. The flashing lights were starting to get to her. The music felt like it was in her veins, and she couldn't get it out. The crowd suddenly looked like a terrifying ambush and the walls were closing in on her.
"Hanna." Her voice was soft and lost in the noise.
She felt like she was going to puke. The room was spinning around her. She tried to say Hanna's name again, but nothing came out. Her heart was fluttering out of control.
She thought she was having a panic attack, but it felt different. Her behavior finally garnered Hanna's attention.
"Emily?"
"Ali…" Her head was pounding. She was dizzy. "Where's…" She looked around. "I have to find her."
She broke away from Hanna in a panic. She tore through the happy-go-lucky club-goers, who didn't even notice her odd behavior, because they were all high on something…drugs, alcohol, music, life.
Someone grabbed her arm and when Emily looked up she saw a strange man staring at her. Her vision was fading in and out, and the flashing lights didn't help. She was having a hard time focusing, but she saw a familiar menacing grin.
"Happy birthday." He tightened his grip on her arm.
She heard the voice and she froze. She took a shaky breath. When the person's face came into view she panicked.
"No!" She shoved him back and took a swing. She threw the punch so violently that it cut through the air, sending her spinning. She missed the mark, but she didn't care. She stumbled away.
When she turned around he was gone. A young shirtless guy was twerking in the very spot she'd seen him.
Am I high right now?
She looked around at all of the cups floating around. And it suddenly registered.
The bourbon.
She maneuvered her way through a bachelorette party and to the other side of the dance floor, desperately seeking the only person in the world she wanted to see right now. She didn't see her, so she kept moving. She had to keep moving. Because if she'd really seen who she thought she'd seen…
It's not real. She tried to calm herself down. There's no way.
She staggered through the hallway, trying to find the bathrooms again. She hoped Alison was behind one of the closed doors. She rapped on the first door and heard an angry voice call back that it was occupied. She heard a telltale gasp of someone having an orgasm seconds later.
Where the fuck is she?
She pushed open another door and stumbled inside. She walked over to the sink, hoping that splashing her face with cool water would help.
She stopped when she saw her reflection in the mirror. The room behind her looked like it was still spinning. She saw three versions of herself all staring back at her. And they all looked the same: broken.
No. Emily frowned at herself. No.
She felt her legs giving out and she fell back against the wall. Her back slid down until her ass hit the floor. Her lungs felt like they were hardened lumps of coal. She couldn't breathe.
Everything in her field of vision started to twist into a distorted lump of dark colors, swirling around her. She thought she was yelling for help, but no sound was coming out. She heard the faint sound of a door smacking against the wall.
"In here!" She saw someone with blonde hair moving towards her.
"Ali…" She breathed a sigh of relief. She could breathe again.
When the girl got closer she realized it wasn't Alison.
"She's coming, Em. I went to find her as soon as I lost you." Hanna kneeled down in front of her.
She heard the sound of hurried footsteps. Alison practically bowled Hanna over to get to Emily.
"Emily?" She put her palms on Emily's cheeks, trying to hold her head upright.
At first, she assumed it was a panic attack, but when she looked into Emily's eyes she realized they were glazed over and she was barely cognizant.
"How much did she have to drink?" Alison faced Hanna.
"Not much. I don't think she even…"
"She must have taken something." Alison patted the sides of her jeans pockets.
"I didn't…" Emily clutched her aching head in her hands. Why the hell was Alison constantly on her about drugs? "I didn't take anything."
"Bullshit you didn't take anything. You can barely hold your head up." She felt a lump in her pocket.
"Ali…" Hanna tried to get her attention.
But Alison was too focused on the drugs she'd just pulled out of Emily's jeans. She saw a shade of red she'd never seen before. She was already in a pissy mood because of the phone call she'd gotten from her brother. Watching Emily trip out on a dirty bathroom floor sent her over the edge.
"Jesus, Emily. What the fuck is this?"
"That…that's not…it's not what it looks like."
But Alison was too angry to listen. Emily didn't blame her. She'd lied to her before. She was just glad that Alison was with her…that she wasn't alone. She couldn't express it, but she was glad.
"Ali, she…"
"I don't understand. You do this shit and I just…" She was so angry she couldn't think straight. Her eyes were burning with tears. "What are we even doing?" She'd thought that somewhere deep inside that Emily wanted to be helped. Maybe she was wrong. "Am I just wasting my time on you?"
"Ali!" Hanna exclaimed, finally getting her attention.
"What?" Alison snapped her head over and growled at her.
"She's telling the truth. She said something about her drink tasting weird. I didn't think anything of it, but…I mean, she's been with me practically the whole night. There's no way she took anything."
Alison felt a wave of guilt rush over her. She'd been too harsh with her. She'd thought the worst of her. She was the one person who was supposed to believe in her and she'd let her down. She gripped Emily's cheeks and forced her to look into her eyes.
"Tell me you didn't take anything." Tell me and I'll believe you.
"I didn't take anything." Emily held her gaze. "The…the pills…I just keep them to make me feel better. I wasn't going to take them."
"I believe you." Alison gently rubbed her thumb against Emily's jaw line.
How could she have jumped to the worst possible conclusion? She'd seen how hard Emily had been working. Emily had been reaching out to everyone in therapy. She'd been drawing and swimming to try and channel her emotions. She'd been actively trying.
It simultaneously gave Alison hope and ripped it away. Because she had hope for Emily, but she also had that nagging feeling in the back of her head that the brunette would slip up. Everyone eventually did. And she worried about that day coming for Emily.
"It was the bourbon. It had to be," Hanna said. "Someone drugged her."
Alison glanced at Hanna in disbelief.
"Who would do that?"
"I don't know."
"How much did she have?"
"Just one sip."
"Lucky it wasn't the whole drink."
"It's my fault." Hanna bit her lip. "I should have realized it after she mentioned the weird taste…"
"It's not your fault." Emily mumbled.
"She's right." Alison agreed. Her face was flushed in anger. "There is some asshole in this club who is drugging people." She looked at Emily. She hadn't seen her this helpless since the night of her suicide attempt. And it made her irate. Because she shuddered to think about what could have happened if they hadn't found her before she passed out. "I'm going to find whoever is responsible and kill them."
Before she could rush off in a huff, Emily reached out and gently grabbed her wrist.
"We should go," Emily said with a frown. She didn't want Alison to get dragged into her mess.
"We can't just let whoever this is get away with this!"
She was infuriated. And she was ready for a fight. Because someone had messed with Emily. And that was a crime punishable by a barstool over the head.
"Would you just listen to me?" Emily grumbled. "Let's just go." She squeezed her eyes shut. Her head felt like it was on fire. "If I stay I'm going to do something I regret."
"She's right. You should probably get her home." Hanna agreed.
Home? Emily thought to herself. What did that word even mean?
"I'll get Mona and the others. And we'll tell everyone what's going on. The people running this place will know to be on the lookout."
Alison looked at Emily and then at Hanna.
"Okay. But you all stay together. And call me when you get home," Alison said.
Hanna nodded in agreement. Emily was doing her best to get to her feet, but her lower body still felt numb. She grabbed the edge of the sink, but nearly slipped. Alison and Hanna helped her get steady.
Alison pulled Emily's arm around her shoulders to help her keep her balance. She could feel Emily's hot sweaty muscles against the back of her neck. It turned her on, which she immediately felt guilt for. What did it say about her that she was getting hot and bothered while Emily was drugged up?
"This is what…the third time you've hauled my ass off of the ground?" Emily asked. "You've got a real hero complex."
"You have a real jackass complex."
"Kicking me while I'm down. Real nice."
"I'm learning to speak your language."
Hanna went off to find the others while Alison and Emily made their way out of the club. No one really looked twice at them, because almost everyone in the place was hammered.
When they got outside Emily felt a rush of cool air. She was slowly starting to get some of her senses back. She stared at her feet. It felt like they were dragging, but when she looked down she saw them moving normally.
"I think I'm okay to walk on my own now." Emily slowly started to pull away.
She'd learned to let people help her on the battlefield. Letting people help her off of it was a little bit harder.
"Good. The car is right here." Alison motioned.
Emily looked up from the pavement. She glanced back over her shoulder and saw the club in the distance. She didn't realize they'd walked so far.
"Oh."
Alison pulled her keys out and unlocked it. Emily climbed in the passenger's seat and Alison walked around and opened the driver's side door.
When she sat down behind the steering wheel she looked over at Emily. Her eyes were closed.
She crashed on the way back to Alison's house. Alison kept glancing over, wondering what would have happened had Hanna not found her in the bathroom. Had someone been watching her and waiting for those drugs to kick in? Alison racked her brain trying to remember if she saw anyone acting strange or looming around them.
But she wouldn't have seen him even if she was looking.
He'd been very careful to stay out of Emily's line of sight, because he knew her. He knew she would be looking over her shoulder.
He'd seen her disappear into a crowd of people and then he'd lost track of her, which was a shame, because he'd almost had her in his grasp.
After he'd gotten the phone call from his buddy he couldn't believe it. He was certain she'd died overseas. He had to see for himself.
Emily had done a very good job at eluding him. The mistake she'd made was coming back. He knew that she knew everything. She was the one person who could destroy him. He also knew that he could do the same to her. In every way.
Alison had no idea the secrets that were bubbling beneath the surface. She just knew that Emily had been hurt in her past. The pain had shattered the brunette, leaving shards of her life scattered around her. Sharp and jagged little memories that blew around Emily like the wind, cutting into her, slicing her open without warning.
Alison had seen it hundreds of times before in other people. Hell, she'd experienced it. But it was nothing like what Emily saw in her nightmares. Emily's pain was palpable. Alison had watched it flow out of her the night she had the fever. And the worst part was, Alison had no clue how to fix it.
The drive was fairly quiet. Alison kept the air running even though it was cool outside, because Emily was sweating profusely. A side effect of whatever drug was in her system, undoubtedly. Every so often she'd hear Emily shift in her seat. At one point Alison thought Emily was awake, but she was just mumbling in her sleep.
Emily opened her eyes just as they were pulling into the driveway. It was as if she'd been able to sense where they were.
She also had a sense of what was coming next. She could see the disappointment in Alison's eyes.
They walked inside. Lupo ran up to greet them at the front door, carrying his toy monkey. Alison patted his head and tossed his toy. He pounced on it. Alison shut the door behind them as they walked into the house.
Emily tried to sneak off. She'd barely gotten into the living room before Alison addressed the elephant in the room.
"Why do you have those drugs?"
Emily closed her eyes and took a breath. She flexed her fingers and then sighed. She turned around to face Alison.
"Ali…"
"No. Don't 'Ali' me. I thought we had complete honesty here." Alison walked over towards her.
Here we go. Emily could see her nostrils flaring in anger.
"See…this is exactly why I didn't tell you. I knew you'd freak out."
"What am I supposed to think? I mean, you run off for days at a time. You're getting in fights and talking about guns. You're carrying drugs around…" Alison threw her hands up in exasperation.
"What do you want me to say?" Emily asked. "That I think about sticking a gun in my mouth every second of the day?"
"You don't have to say it. Your actions tell me everything I need to know."
"Don't do that. Don't analyze me." Emily was offended. "You don't get to just push yourself into my life and pick and choose when you're just my therapist and when you're more."
Alison peered at her in confusion.
"I don't…"
"You do. I wouldn't be here otherwise."
"That is such bullshit. I saved your life. I've risked everything for you."
"You destroyed me!" Emily raised her voice. She let out an annoyed breath, her voice trembling. "You made me care. You…you make me feel…" She grimaced, "…you made me feel everything." After years of suppression she was dealing with everything she'd buried. And opening up her past was agonizing. "You know I went looking for you? After I realized what was happening…all I wanted to do was find you."
Alison clenched her jaw and tried not to cry. When Emily was scared she'd sought her out.
"You were the only person I could think of who I trusted enough to help me…to believe the best in me. Because that's what you do. I thought if I could just find you…I thought everything would be okay." She sighed and lowered her head. "But it's not. Because I'm just as fucked up as I ever was. If you don't believe I can change, why should I?"
"I do believe you can change." Alison reached up and pushed some of Emily's hair behind her ear.
"You didn't tonight." Emily looked into her eyes. She looked weary and beaten, and it broke Alison's heart. "And I don't blame you. I would have thought the same thing."
"Emily, people slip up. I just thought…"
"I know what you thought." Emily smiled sadly. "It's fine."
She swallowed hard, because having Alison so close was hard. Every time she saw the intimacy in her eyes she wanted to kiss her. She wanted to pin her against the wall and feel her. She wanted to taste her. She wanted to hear her cries of pleasure while she peaked.
"I'm going to take a shower and then go to bed." Emily pulled back.
Alison nodded. She walked into the kitchen, her dog trailing behind her. She filled up his bowl with food and then sat down at the kitchen table, exhausted from the evening's events. She heard the water turn on and she glanced towards the noise.
Lupo stopped nibbling on his food. He picked at it for a few seconds, but then stopped eating and walked over to her. He could sense her tension. He laid his head against her lap and made a groaning noise. She stroked his head.
The shower wasn't on for very long. It never was. Emily had once explained to her that she'd gotten used to showering quickly in the army. Alison told her that she was free to indulge in a nice long shower if she wanted, but Emily had yet to take advantage of that offer.
Alison loved on her dog for a few more minutes and then went to clean up and get changed into something for bed. She ran a comb through her hair and stared at herself in her vanity. Lupo watched from her bed, his head in between his paws.
She heard her phone go off. She reached into her purse and grabbed it.
"Everyone got home safe. Told security about Em being drugged. They're going to keep an eye out."
"Thanks. Glad you're all okay."
"How is she?"
That was a loaded question. Alison wasn't sure how to answer. After a few minutes she replied,
"She's Emily."
"Bitching and moaning again, huh? You two are like an old married couple."
"Goodnight, Hanna."
She put her phone up and then walked out of her room. She wanted to check on Emily before she went to sleep.
She wasn't surprised to find the guest bedroom door closed. She knocked lightly, hoping that she wasn't waking her.
"Yeah?" She heard a quiet reply through the door.
"Do you mind if I come in?" Alison cracked the door.
"It's your house." Emily was sitting up in the bed with a sketchpad. Sometimes drawing helped steady her mood.
"How are you feeling?" Alison walked over towards her.
"I'm fine. You should know by now that nothing is going to kill me. Believe me, I've tried."
"That's not funny."
"It's situational humor," Emily said apathetically. "Funny to me. I've done much worse to myself." She rubbed her right eye. "I've got a hell of a headache, but I'll live."
Alison chewed on her lip. She sat down against the edge of the bed. Emily moved over to give her more room.
"I'm sorry I didn't give you the benefit of the doubt." Alison sighed, putting her hand on top of Emily's.
Emily didn't react. She glanced at Alison's hand. It occurred to her that she'd gotten so used to her touch that she didn't jerk away from her anymore. She felt a weird palpitation in her chest.
"It's not like I've earned it." Emily felt a knot in her throat. "Everything you said tonight was true."
"You were right, too. I have no right to patronize you. This is a learning curve for me."
"I know you're just trying to look out for me. I need to learn not to take it so personally."
Alison smiled timidly at her. Emily could see that she was swimming in a sea of emotions. And she knew it was about more than just what had happened at the club.
"You got pretty upset." Emily pointed out. "You don't usually lose it like that."
"I freaked out when I thought you were OD'ing again."
"No, it's more than that. You were jumpy before that." She gently flipped her hand over so that her palm met Alison's. Their fingers naturally laced together. "What was that call from your brother about?"
"It's not important. This is about you."
"Why do you always do that?"
"Do what?"
"Deflect any time you want to change the subject. I'm not the center of the universe, you know. I know you have shit going on in your life, too."
"Emily, you were drugged tonight. This is not the right time to talk about my petty problems."
"They're not petty, Ali. You're clearly dealing with a lot. I'm not so wrapped up in my own pain that I'm completely oblivious to yours."
"Just let it go." Alison pulled her hand away. She was uncomfortable talking about it.
"Fine. Forget it. Far be it from me to actually give a shit."
"Emily…" Alison sighed. She gently touched her arm. "I know you care. It's just…"
"No, I get it." Emily averted her gaze. "You don't trust me. Why should you? I don't even trust myself."
"Hey…" Alison reached over and gently grazed Emily's cheek with her palm. Emily slowly looked up at her. She couldn't ignore the blonde when she was touching her. "I trust you. I do."
Emily licked her lips nervously. She wasn't sure how to respond. Alison lowered her hand and glanced at the sketchpad in Emily's hands. She caught a glimpse of what she was drawing.
Emily tilted it so she could see. It was a portrait of the Serenity Garden at the hospital. She'd drawn the silhouettes of several participants, but the attention was pulled away from them and focused on a beautiful woman in the center of it all. It took Alison a few seconds to register that it was her.
It was more lifelike than any photograph that Alison had ever seen. The vibrance and the tone were beautiful. Emily had captured emotion that a camera simply couldn't.
"It's not done." Emily glanced down at it.
Alison leaned over to get a closer look.
"It's beautiful." Alison traced her index finger along the outer ridges of the sketch. "You have a really unique eye."
Emily slowly faced Alison again. Their lips were just a few inches apart. Alison peered at her. Emily marveled at the crystal colored flecks in her eyes. Her eyes were so outrageously blue. And there was so much emotion behind them. Emily reached up with her free hand and cupped her cheek, and before she had a chance to think about it, her lips were on Alison's.
The kiss was brief, but packed with a sentimental undertone. Emily quickly pulled away. Alison was surprised, but Emily couldn't tell if it was because of the kiss or because she'd pulled away.
"I…I'm sorry." Emily dropped her hand. Fuck. I fucked it up.
Alison was still trying to recover from the rush of emotions. She didn't know what to say, so she just smiled at her.
"It's fine."
"It's been a weird night." Emily admitted. She started wringing her hands together nervously. "I…um…I shouldn't have…"
"Emily…" Alison brushed her cheek with a comforting touch. "It's fine."
Emily nodded, feeling a little more at ease. She wanted more. She wanted to feel Alison like she'd felt her that day in the hospital. But she was terrified of the feelings she was experiencing. She was terrified of anything good in her life, because nothing good ever lasted. And she knew it would be wrong to string Alison along. Because she knew it wasn't going to end well. She was a fucked up road paved to heartbreak.
Emily closed her sketchpad and put it on the nightstand next to her bed and then faced Alison again.
"Thank you," she said. "For being there tonight."
"I just wish we could have caught the person responsible. Maybe we should go back tomorrow. Maybe they have cameras."
Emily shuddered when she thought about going back. She thought of his face and she cringed. Alison didn't miss her reaction.
"Did something else happen out there?"
"Yeah," Emily said without skipping a beat. "I caught Hanna and Mona going at it in the bathroom. Want me to describe Hanna's O-face for you?"
Alison fell back on to the bed in laughter.
"You're terrible." She smacked Emily playfully.
I am. I really am. You have no idea… Emily thought to herself.
Alison slid down against the bed, letting her head hit the pillow. She rolled her head to the side and smiled up at Emily.
She has no idea what she does to me… Emily was looking at her with a quiet thirst in her eyes.
"Ali…"
Before Emily could finish, Alison reached up to touch her face. She lifted herself just enough to meet her for another kiss. She pulled back with a smile and moved back down against the bed, beckoning Emily to follow.
Emily leaned over her, moving down to kiss her again. She laid her palm against the side of Alison's neck. Their lips moved together in tandem. Emily could taste every bit of her, and it made her hungry for more. She felt Alison mewl into her mouth and she groaned.
She moved her other hand against Alison's hip, slowly moving it up underneath her shirt. Her skin was warm and soft. She smelled like vanilla. Fucking vanilla. Who smelled like vanilla?
Alison gripped the back of Emily's neck, trying to pull her down on top of her. The palm of her other hand grazed Emily's side. Her fingertips trailed across her abs. She rubbed her index finger against one of Emily's scars and she felt her tense up.
Had that been where she'd been stabbed? Or shot? Or had something worse happened to her before she went to war? There was so much Alison was still learning about her.
Emily laid her weight against Alison and gently moved her thigh in between Alison's legs. Alison grunted when she felt the pressure against her core. She bit down on Emily's lip and started moving against her, trying to get the friction she needed between them.
Her panties were soaked, and she knew that Emily could feel it. Alison couldn't help herself around the brunette. Emily spoke to every part of her soul. She was dangerous…but safe. She was demanding, but soft. It was a combination that drove her wild.
She felt herself getting lightheaded. Her stomach tightened and she broke their kiss and let out a shaky exhale of satisfaction. She smiled at Emily as their lips hovered, centimeters apart. Emily was trembling.
Alison closed the space between them and pressed her mouth against Emily's again as she knitted her fingers through Emily's hair.
"Just feel me, Em," she muttered against her lips. "Be here with me."
Emily relaxed, trying to let her walls down. She felt Alison's fingertips against her side. The blonde's touch left an electric aftershock in its wake. Emily could feel herself getting hot, the blood in her veins like lava. She forced herself to pull away. She leaned back. Alison was smiling at her, her cheeks flushed. Emily marveled at her beauty.
Her dimples are the cutest damn thing. Why does she have to be so beautiful?
Emily laid back against the mattress. She stared at the ceiling for a few seconds, feeling awkward. Because her hormones were telling her to kiss her again. She wanted to hold her and touch her and make her scream her name. But her heart was telling her to slow down, to appreciate her time while she was still alive. Alison made her feel things. She wanted to feel them.
But she didn't know how. She'd never learned how to love.
Emily moved her arm until her fingers brushed against Alison's. She tested her response by gently touching her fingertips. She looked over at the blonde when she realized she wasn't pulling away.
This is a terrible idea. This is so fucking dumb…
But her brain cut off the second she felt Alison take her hand and clasp her fingers. Alison reached up with her free hand and traced the outline of the tattoo on her arm. She rolled her fingertip over the army insignia.
Now that she'd seen Emily's artwork she was silently wondering if Emily designed her tattoos. She moved Emily's hand up to her lips and pressed a kiss against her knuckles.
Emily didn't say anything. She was still staring at the ceiling. Alison could feel her mentally pulling away.
"What are you feeling right now?" Alison asked softly.
Emily shuddered.
"Everything." And it hurt. It hurt in the worst way.
"It's okay to let it in." Alison stroked her cheek.
Emily took a shaky breath, her eyes still fixed on the ceiling. She couldn't look at Alison for some reason. And Alison understood that. Emily felt her eyes burning with tears. A droplet rolled down her jaw line and landed on her pillow.
They laid there for a while, neither one of them speaking. Alison just let her feel what she needed to feel.
After nearly an hour Emily heard Alison softly snoring. She looked over and realized she was out cold. She gently pulled her hand away and moved out of the bed.
She pulled the covers up around Alison and took a moment to admire how peaceful she looked when she was sleeping. She kissed her forehead. The blonde smiled subtly in her sleep.
She quietly walked out of the room. Lupo was sleeping on the couch. He looked up at her when he realized she was heading towards the door. He hopped down and walked over to her, not wanting her to go. She assured the dog she wasn't leaving. She just needed to get some air.
When she got out on to the front porch she thought long and hard about a lot of things. She wanted to run. It's what she did. She was considering leaving. She wasn't sure what to do anymore. Everything was so complicated.
It was easier before she let herself feel.
She rubbed her arm, looking for even the slightest indication of a bruise to prove someone had really grabbed her tonight. She didn't see anything.
She knew it was probably just some asshole trolling the clubs with a date rape drug. She knew it was probably just her imagination. But even if she hadn't seen him in that club tonight, the threat of potentially running into him again should have been more than enough incentive for her to disappear forever.
The only problem was…she couldn't leave Alison. What if something happened to the blonde because of her?
Before she met Alison she had no reason to stay. Now…she had found the only reason in the world she couldn't leave. She couldn't bear to think of what leaving would to do Alison. So she knew there was only one thing she could do…one thing she was programmed to do. Fight. For her sanity. For her girl. For their lives.
A/N: Everyone still hanging in there? I know I say it over and over (thanks to my obsessive inner critic), but I worry about the dark content like a neurotic Jewish mother. The dynamic between Emison in this fic is extremely different, and the demons they're both fighting are rough. On top of that I worry about the characterization of my other characters. Being that it's AU I've taken sooo many liberties. Hanna, at the very least…still maintains her Hanna-ness. I hope.
Also, just a quick FYI, I've had some shit go down in my life and I'm about to be living in my car, as the house I'm living in is being sold and I've only been able to find part time work. And while I can appreciate the "starving artist" concept I'd kinda not like to play it in real life. So I've swallowed my pride and created a Ko-fi account so people who enjoy my work can send me tips if they feel so inclined. ko-fi(/)ellakay. It's also on my profile. *panhandling over*