A/N: This is just a reminder that Alison and Emily are both very damaged and not in a healthy place at this point. This story is extremely character driven (with a bunch of dark twists and turns in the plot) and it really pushes the emotional toll. Remember to continue to be good to yourselves.
Chapter 9:
Scars of Yesterday
Emily played with the business card in her hand, flipping it over and picking at the edges. She hadn't called the number on the back. She didn't want anyone to know that she was trying to follow a trail. She knew she needed to fly under the radar. It was the safest way to do to things.
She'd researched the number, but it had come up empty. So she was going to find a payphone and dial it. If someone answered she'd have a voice to follow. If no one answered she'd hang up and make it seem like it was just another wrong number.
She heard a thump upstairs. It wasn't the dog. She'd gotten pretty good at distinguishing the difference between Lupo jumping off of the bed and Alison dragging herself to the bathroom.
She slipped the business card into her bag and walked into the kitchen to finish preparing the breakfast she'd made for Alison. Ethan had given her some great hangover cures over the years. She knew that Alison was going to feel like shit. And she wanted to help her. It was the least she could do.
Lupo came trotting into the room first. He stopped at the stove and lifted his head to get a better whiff of the bacon. Emily reached into a jar on the counter and pulled out a dog treat. She handed it to him and he walked away, happily wagging his tail.
Alison moaned as she walked into the kitchen. She felt like hell. She was certain that she looked like death. But Emily didn't see anything less than her perfection. Alison didn't miss the way Emily looked at her. It's like she saw all the darkness, but it didn't faze her. Emily understood darkness. She accepted Alison's darkness.
It made Alison feel guilty, because she hadn't been honest about herself. She'd told Emily bits and pieces of her life…bits and pieces that she'd edited.
Emily put a plate of food down on the table and smiled at her.
"Morning sunshine." Emily teased, putting a cup of freshly brewed coffee next to her plate.
Alison took one look at the kitchen and felt a wave of guilt washing over her. She'd opened up her house to this woman…to help her, to be there for her. She was supposed to be the one taking care of Emily.
"Em, you didn't have to…"
"I know. But I've had my fair share of wild nights. Grease does wonders for a hangover. Trust me."
"Grease, eh?" Alison looked at Emily, a cheeky expression on her face. "Is it the word?"
"The…word?" Emily looked at her in confusion. "What word?"
"You've never seen Grease? It's a classic! John Travolta at his prime. And Olivia Newton John…" She purred. "What a woman."
"I think you might still be drunk."
Alison chuckled as she sat down at the table. Emily had made her an omelet with diced ham, tomatoes, and cheese. Next to the omelet there was a side of roasted potatoes and toast with an avocado spread.
"Thank you. This looks really good."
Emily had gone all out. She had coddled her all night and had still gotten up early enough to make her a wonderful breakfast.
"I can't remember the last time someone went to the trouble to make me breakfast…" She yawned.
"You probably can't remember much of anything from last night either." Emily handed her a fork.
She wasn't wrong. The night was a fog. Alison remembered being in the pool and she remembered kissing Emily. But after that it was a blur.
"I owe you an explanation." Alison sighed and looked up at her, a sheepish expression on her face.
"You don't owe me anything." She put her plate down and took a seat next to Alison. "You're an adult. I'm not your babysitter."
Alison opened her mouth to reply, but was interrupted by the chiming of her phone.
"It's Spencer." Alison glanced at the screen.
"See, you've already got one mom-friend. I'm not looking to be another." Emily took a sip of her drink.
"She just knows that I have a habit of acting recklessly after I see my brother." She picked up her phone and tapped a quick reply. "She has to take stock of the situation, for her own peace of mind to make sure I don't do anything crazy or go off the deep end." She glanced up and Emily and laughed nervously. "Figuratively speaking."
Her phone went off again. Alison glanced at Spencer's reply.
"You didn't get drunk and pass out alone with her, did you?"
Alison was perturbed by what Spencer was insinuating.
"She doesn't like me, does she?" Emily pushed her scrambled eggs around on her plate.
"What?" Alison lifted her head in surprise. She didn't want Emily thinking that her friends didn't like her. Emily already had a habit of seeing the worst in herself. "Why would you say that?"
"Because she knows the truth. You've got a ticking time bomb for a roommate."
"She doesn't know you."
"I think she knows me better than you do." Emily took a bite of her eggs. "She's worried I'll corrupt your perfect little life. And she's right."
"She's a pious judgmental little shit and I have no problem telling her that twenty times a day." Alison argued.
Emily snorted, nearly choking on her coffee. Alison was one of the most outspoken women she'd ever met. She could imagine her calling Spencer a nosy bitch over mimosas and crumpets.
"She's worried about me being here though, right?" Emily asked.
"No."
"Liar." Emily smiled at her.
"I don't give a shit even if she is. You probably saved my life last night."
"I think Lupo would have gone in if you were really in trouble."
"You underestimate how much he hates water." Alison looked over at her dog, who was staring out the back window, waiting on the squirrels so he could bark at them.
"He looked ready to dive in to me." Emily shrugged.
Alison cringed. It had probably scared the hell out of Emily to come home to that.
"I'm sorry you found me like that." She couldn't imagine what it had done to Emily's already fragile emotional state.
"You're kidding, right? I vomited all over you and actively tried to die the first night we met."
"I remember how much the thought of watching you die terrified me." Alison made eye contact with Emily. "It must have been the same for you last night."
Worse. Emily thought. Because they knew one another now. They had a bond.
"That prison visit must have been really hard for you," Emily said softly.
Alison wanted to tell her that it wasn't just the visit. It was coming home to an empty house, not knowing whether or not the brunette would make it home that night. She wanted to tell her that she couldn't stop her feelings, that she couldn't control the growing desire in her heart.
Emily sensed that Alison was holding something inside.
"It wasn't just the visit, was it?" Emily asked. She glanced down at the floor. "Was it something I did?"
Alison felt her heart shattering when she saw the look on Emily's face.
God. She thinks it's her fault. I can't keep lying to her. I have to tell her the truth…
"No," Alison replied sharply. "No, of course not."
"Ali…" Emily sighed, putting her palm flat against the table. "I need you to be honest with me. I know I can be…I'm a lot to handle. My demons are a lot to handle. But the second they bleed over into your life, you have to tell me. Because the last thing I ever want to do is hurt you."
Alison took Emily's hand and slowly slipped it up her arm until she was gripping her firm bicep. Emily stared at her hand and then made eye contact with the blonde.
"Emily, this wasn't your fault. My life has only gotten better with you in it."
Which is exactly what Emily was afraid of. How could she pretend that Alison wasn't going to get hurt? Because Emily knew it was only a matter of time before she fucked up. And Alison would be caught in the middle. She wanted to beg Alison not to fall for her, but she knew it was too late. She'd felt something in their encounter last night that she hadn't felt before.
"What do you remember about last night?" Emily asked.
Alison pulled her hand away and scratched at her forehead. It was all a haze. All she knew was that Emily had been there for her.
"I remember you telling me to get out of the pool, and…" When she thought about how warm Emily's skin had felt against hers she felt her face getting hot, "…that kiss…" She was turned on just thinking about it. That kiss had been amazing. She'd never done anything like that before. "You're so good at it."
"Thanks. I've had a lot of practice." Emily replied with a wry smile.
"Well, you're great." Alison touched her hand. "That's what I remember. You. Being great."
Emily forced a smile on her face. Alison didn't remember how forward she'd been…how she'd tried to push for more. She didn't remember the panicked look on Emily's face. All she remembered was that kiss.
"Everything afterwards is a total blank…" She felt like something important had happened, but it was lost in a drunken hole, "I know I spooned the toilet for half the night."
"You called it your cave of wonders and then said you were going spew-lunking." Emily laughed.
"Well…that's super embarrassing."
"I thought it was cute." Emily smiled.
"Oh…oh no." A memory came flashing back to her. She groaned and buried her face in her hands. "Please tell me I didn't say my toilet was my bathroom Maserati with a little drunk in its trunk."
"No, but I wish you had. That's priceless."
"I can't believe I thought I was fit enough to walk through my house, let alone go swimming." Alison's cheeks reddened in embarrassment.
"Can I ask you something?" Emily's tone was quiet and nervous.
"Anything."
"Did you…" Emily hesitated. "Were you trying to…"
Alison got the gist of what she was asking. Emily wanted to know if she'd purposely tried to drown herself. She could tell it was uncomfortable for her to talk about. She reached out and touched her hand.
"No." Alison assured her. "I just had too much to drink and I got this stupid idea in my head to go out by the pool. I've always felt at home in the water. I was just trying to quiet my mind."
"I get that." Emily nodded, staring at Alison's hand on top of hers. "I feel like that a lot. My brain feels so loud sometimes." She slowly raised her eyes up to meet Alison's. "I'm just glad you're okay."
"Thanks to you."
"I'm sorry I wasn't here when you got home. Maybe I could have been there for you or something."
"You were there for me." Alison replied with a smile on her face. "Besides, I know you have a life. I'm sure whatever you were doing was important."
Emily looked away, thinking about the ruins of her childhood and the old wounds she was tearing open. She wanted to tell Alison the truth about everything. She thought she may have been targeted that night at the club. She thought that her past was coming back to haunt her. She thought she was a danger to her, just like she'd been a danger to everyone else in her life.
"Emily?" Alison asked softly, noticing the distant look on her face.
"Hmm?"
"You seem kind of stressed. Did something else happen last night? Did I say something? Do something?"
"No." Emily shook her head. She'd gotten so good at lying that she believed herself. "It was just a long day."
"I forgot to even ask how your appointment went."
"You did ask. You just don't remember."
"Remind me. Is your bloodwork okay?" Alison asked anxiously.
Emily swallowed hard, thinking about her conversation with her doctor. Like everything else in her life, her health was going to shit, too.
"I'm afraid your liver values have gotten worse. We need to discuss further options."
Emily had decided not to tell Alison. She knew that the blonde didn't need that stress in her life. She had a little bit of time to figure things out. With the right medications she would be fine for a while. Besides, she just needed to live long enough to put a bullet in her stepfather's brain. And then maybe she could enjoy a little domestic bliss with Alison until the grim reaper finally snatched her away.
"Everything is fine. I'm going back in for a follow up in a few weeks." She glanced at the untouched food on Alison's plate. "Your food is getting cold." She smiled sweetly at Alison. It was a kindness that melted the blonde's heart every time. "You really should eat. The grease will help coat your stomach and the bread absorbs all the excess alcohol."
"Is that true?" Alison was impressed.
"I don't know. Probably. Seemed to work when we were overseas. We had to get really creative if we didn't want the slop in the mess hall, especially when we were hungover. We were luckier than most. One of our neighboring squads had this guy who was always making some kind of creative dish. Ezra Fitz. Taught me everything he knew. Was top of his class in culinary school. He had his own restaurant and everything."
"If he had all that how did he end up in the army?" Alison took a bite of her omelet.
She looked up and saw that Emily had stopped playing with her food. Alison suddenly realized that sounded like she felt as though people who had options would never join the army.
"That came out wrong. I didn't mean it like that. I mean, I know people from all walks of life join the army."
Emily had a pained look on her face. She squeezed her fork.
"I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to offend…"
"You didn't. It just brings up some old shit."
"Did something happen to him?" Alison asked.
"Not him. His fiancé. Nicole. She was in a neighboring squad. I knew her long before I met Ezra. My squad was out on patrol with hers one day and we were ambushed. A bunch of us got taken alive. They tried to get us to talk…to give up information."
She rubbed a scar on the back of her hand. Alison wanted to reach out and touch her to let her know she wasn't alone, but she got the feeling that Emily didn't want to be touched.
"They had me for a few days. I was locked up in this little cell with Nicole and one other girl. They took Nicole one day…" She flinched. She could still hear the screams. "Me and the other girl were rescued in a raid a few hours later. But Nicole and a bunch of others were still missing. Ezra was pretty torn up when he heard about it. He said he felt helpless. He wanted to do something. So…he stepped away from his business. He joined the army and ended up stationed close to where Nicole had been stationed. Doesn't usually work out that way, but he threw a lot of money at them."
"Did they find her?" Alison asked hopefully, though she could tell by the expression on Emily's face that it wasn't a happy ending.
"She's dead." Emily twirled her fork into her eggs, refusing to look at Alison, refusing to let her emotions bleed through. "I mean, not officially. They never found her body. But we all know the reality." She sighed. "It's kind of crazy to think about how that could have been me. If they had taken me instead of her…" She dropped her fork and shrugged. "Maybe it should have been. A lot of those other people had lives back home…"
"Don't say that." Alison put her fork down and latched on to Emily's hand.
Emily jumped, but she didn't pull away. Alison's touch brought her back into reality.
Emily shuffled uncomfortably. She got up to get more coffee. She was pacing the kitchen floor nervously. Every so often she'd stop to clean something up. She'd move a pan to the sink. She'd wipe crumbs off of the counter. She'd do anything to try and silence her mind.
It's not as if her behavior was surprising to Alison. Emily often got restless when she opened up about her time overseas. But it still worried Alison to see her so unhinged.
"Why don't you sit down and finish breakfast with me?" Alison suggested.
Something about Alison's voice was soothing to the brunette. She slid back into her chair. She picked up her fork, but Alison noticed that she didn't eat. They sat in silence for a few minutes.
"This is really great." Alison took a bite of her omelet. "What is this garnishing? Parsley?"
"Chervil, actually. It's in the parsley family. I was stationed in France for about two months. They put it on everything."
"I see why. It's good." Alison smiled.
Emily smiled back. There was always a split second where Emily felt like the world wasn't spinning out of control when she saw Alison smile. Her tension started to ease.
Alison told Emily about her visit with her brother, leaving out the legal issues. She struggled to find the right way to bring up why the visits with her brother were so hard for her.
She thought about just blurting it out, but she couldn't do it. Not while Emily was looking at her like she hung the fucking moon. Because she wasn't nearly as innocent as Emily thought.
She waited until Emily was halfway to the dishwasher with her dishes. She knew it was cowardly not to do it face-to-face, but she just couldn't stand to see the look in her sad soulful eyes when Emily realized the truth.
"Emily, I need to tell you…"
She was interrupted by large claws striking the hardwood floor. Lupo spotted the squirrel he'd been waiting for all morning. He growled and then let out a thunderous bark before tearing through the doggy door.
The noise sent Emily careening back into an active war zone. She felt bullets whizzing by her. She felt blasts of dirt hitting her face. Emily spun towards the noise, the plate flying out of her hand. She reached for a knife on the counter.
"Damn it, Lupo." Alison grumbled hastily. She leaped up to check on Emily, but froze when she saw the knife. "Hey, just take it easy."
Alison carefully moved towards her. Her heart was pounding.
It took Emily a few seconds to snap out of it, but she slowly registered that she was in Alison's kitchen. She lowered the knife, her hands shaking.
Alison maintained eye contact with her as she carefully closed the distance between them. She very slowly put her hand against where Emily's fingers were tightly gripping the knife. She pried it away from her. She put it on the counter and then faced Emily.
"You okay?" Alison asked.
Emily swallowed a knot in her throat and nodded.
"That fucking dog and his squirrels, I swear to God." Alison glanced outside at the oblivious Shepherd.
"It's not his fault." Emily's voice cracked. Alison could hear the pain in her tone and it crushed her. Emily reached up and ran her fingers through her hair. "Fuck, I really could have hurt you." She glanced at the knife. "This…this is what I was talking about. Me being here is screwing everything up for you."
"No, it's not…"
"You shouldn't have to wonder about whether or not I'm going to lose my shit and do something…like this." She was breathing hard. "When I asked you if you had a way to protect yourself…" Emily lowered her shaking hands. "You could have gotten hurt. You can't just assume I'm going to respond every time. Because one day I might not. And if there is a split second decision you have to make…you need to be able to take me down. You have to be able to stop me."
Emily kept looking back at the knife. If that had been a gun, Alison could have been killed, and that horrified her.
"I did stop you." Alison pointed out.
Emily couldn't get the worst case scenario out of her head.
"What if next time you can't? I can't control it."
"I have a really hard time believing that the same girl who catapulted herself into a freezing pool after me would ever do anything to hurt me. I mean, if you hadn't been here last night…"
"You wouldn't have been drinking in the first place." Emily cut her off. "I'm the root of this problem. I know it. Your friends know it. Why don't you?"
"Because it's not true. I make my own damn choices. Sometimes they're stupid choices."
Emily licked her lips nervously. She looked down at the floor.
"Emily, look at me." Alison held her arms tightly. She saw the brunette's eyes brimming with tears, but they didn't look like sorrow. They looked like anger. She slid her palms against Emily's neck. "Hey, you deserve to be here. You deserve to be alive."
"I don't feel like it." Emily disagreed. She tipped her head back and tried to stop the tears from falling. "I close my eyes and I see them, Ali. All of them. I can…I can feel their blood on my hands. I can hear them. I always hear them. It's a soundtrack of my worst nightmare that is just…on a loop. The screams. And then…the silence. That silence is the worst part. Because at least when they were screaming I knew they were alive." She lowered her chin and finally forced herself to look at Alison. "I can't make it stop. I don't know how."
"It's going to take time." Alison's thumbs gently stroked the bottom of Emily's jaw.
"I don't have time." She looked at Alison, a flash of agony on her face. "What's the point of living if all I feel is pain?"
"Because pain can be managed."
That's as fucking stupid as 'it will get better'. Emily thought angrily.
She had heard that so much in her life that at one point she'd started to believe it. It only hurt that much more when it didn't happen.
"Not my pain." The expression in her eyes held a universe of unspoken emotion. The girl carried the weight of the world and Alison could see it. "Other people get to know this kind of pain as a friend, but this is a fucking nightmare I've carried with me my whole life. It didn't get better then. And it's not going to get better now."
The only difference between then and now was that right now, in this very moment, she had someone who actually cared about her. And it made it extremely difficult for her to accept the fact that this didn't end well. For either of them.
"I wish I'd met you a long time ago," Emily said. "Things could have been so different. My brother…" She choked. "My sister…"
Alison was intrigued by the mention of her sister. Emily hadn't talked about her much. Emily had only mentioned her once. Every time Alison asked about her, Emily shut down. Alison didn't even know the little girl's name. She'd searched through Emily's past, but only one sibling popped up, and that was her brother Ethan.
"You don't talk much about her." Alison pointed out.
I should have gotten her out of that house. Emily hated herself every day for not running away with Ellie.
Alison saw the look on her face. She saw Emily getting lost in herself.
"Don't disappear on me," Alison cupped her cheek.
"I…I'm not." Emily cleared her throat. "I'm just a little out of my head. I think I'm going to step out to get some fresh air." She was starting to feel trapped. "I'm going to go for a jog."
Alison wanted to volunteer to go with her, but the idea of pushing her body to the limit while hungover made her feel like puking. Plus she knew that Emily didn't want her to go. She needed time alone, and Alison respected that. She looked at her dog, who was staring at a tree out back.
"Would it be too inconvenient for you to take Lupo?" Alison asked.
At least then she knew that Emily wouldn't be alone. And she knew Emily wouldn't do anything stupid while he was with her, because she took care of living breathing things.
"No. I'll take him."
"And Em, promise me…"
"I will. I'll come back."
Emily couldn't get out of the house fast enough. The image of her aiming that knife at Alison had really upset her. She ran herself hard. She always did. Sometimes that's the only way she could get her emotions to settle.
Lupo was a good running partner. He had stamina and never tired out. And he thought it was a game, so he kept up with her. When she ran out of steam she finally slowed down.
She leaned over, sweat dripping down her brow. She gripped her knees with her hands and tried to catch her breath. She'd run herself so hard that her stomach felt like it was curling in on itself. She looked over at the dog with a smile on her face.
"You win."
He wagged his tail. He was panting heavily, his tongue lolling out of his mouth. He looked like he was smiling. He also looked incredibly thirsty.
"Come on. Let's get you some water."
She stood up. The tightness in her muscles started to dissipate. She stretched her back and grimaced. She could always feel her injuries after she exercised. Sometimes when she turned and arched her back the wrong way she could feel where the knife had gone into her back. And when she rolled her shoulder she could feel the shrapnel in her body. Her lower back and her side were killing her, but the emotional pain was far worse than the physical pain.
She walked over to the brick building across the street. She'd used the library quite a bit for research in trying to find the man she was certain was torturing her. He was basically a ghost.
Next to the building there was a double water fountain. One was elevated for people going by. The other was a small spigot closer to the ground that had been designed specifically for dogs. Emily bent down and turned the spigot on, letting Lupo lap up the water.
Once he was finished she turned the water off. When she stood up something caught her eye. Just around the side of the building where the side entrance was she saw a man standing next to wall with a phone attached to it. It was mounted on the wall and had a cord tethered to the receiver. He chatted with someone for a few minutes and then hung up.
Emily walked over towards the phone. The man saw her and moved aside, thinking she needed to use it. Emily took a closer look. On the body of the phone there was a label with a neatly printed phone number on it.
She recognized it immediately. She'd memorized the number on that business card she'd found at her old house.
Above the phone there was a note that had been scrawled that said, "Please keep all calls under 5 minutes."
"What's this phone for?" Emily turned to the guy, who was pulling a cigarette out of a pack.
"It's a public access phone. Belongs to the library. Anyone can use it." He shrugged. "Our tax dollars at work. Got to love people running drug deals on our dime." He spit sarcastically.
"Well, you were just on it. What are you selling?" Emily gave him a hard time.
He laughed.
"I was calling a buddy for a ride."
"Most people have cell phones nowadays."
"Some people don't want to use them for the shadier shit they do. And burners cost money. Besides, some of us don't want cells." He lit his cigarette.
Emily couldn't argue with that. Sometimes she felt like disappearing. And she couldn't do that if she had a phone that could track her every move.
"Can't say it's all bad. I've seen some people use it for phone interviews for jobs and shit." He slipped something in his pocket. He glanced at her tattoo. "You serve?"
"No. I just liked the look of the ink." She replied dryly.
"You're a snarky little shit." He snorted. "You definitely served. When did you get back?"
"A couple of months ago."
"You see action?"
"More than I care to think about."
"I hear you." He rolled up his sleeve to reveal his own army tattoo. "Semper Fi."
Emily nodded to acknowledge him, but she didn't say it back. It felt wrong to say it when none of her squad was around to say it with her.
Emily heard a car pulling up. The guy took a puff of his cigarette and took a step towards the parking lot.
"Take care of yourself, kid." He waved.
Emily watched him go. She saw him carrying himself in the same manner she did. She recognized the wounds of war, even on a complete stranger. She found herself wondering if he thought about putting a gun in his mouth as much as she did.
It was a strange feeling to know that everyone who had been through it all had the same sense of isolation and felt so alone.
She turned around and stared at the number on the phone. She wondered if there was a way to get a recent call log of the numbers that had called the line.
She had an idea. She knew it was a long shot, but she had to try. She could only think of one person who might be able to help. She reached into her pocket and pulled out her phone. She scrolled through until she found his number and then she picked up the public phone and dialed it.
She wasn't expecting him to answer, so when he did she wasn't sure what to say.
"Hello?" His voice sounded drastically different. It was gruff and raspy, like he'd taken up smoking. Though she didn't blame him. "Hello? Who is this? If you're fucking with me…"
"Caleb, it's me."
Now the silence came from his end of the phone.
"Fields?" He asked in surprise.
"What's up, Mr. Robot?"
"Shit. I thought you were dead."
"Only on the inside."
"You always were a dark motherfucker." He scoffed.
"You don't know the half of it," Emily uttered. "How've you been?"
"Missing a leg and the will to live."
Caleb Rivers had been one of the army's top intelligence officers. Until his headquarters had been bombed two years ago. Emily had been the one who pulled him from the rubble and saved him.
"You mean the VA didn't give you a pill to make everything all better?" She feigned a gasp. "Shocking."
"Heard about your guys. Fucking sucks. I'm sorry."
"Yeah. Tried to join them, but made the mistake of calling for help when I was on my way out. Met this annoyingly hopeful pain in the ass. She saved my life."
"Damn. Really?"
"Yeah. But I've got some dark stuff going on. Kind of worried it might come back around to bite her."
"You worried you'll go feral on her?"
"Among other things." Emily admitted. "I'm worried about my past rearing its head in an ugly way."
"I always knew you and Ethan had it rough, but I thought you got away from it."
"You can get away from anything. That doesn't mean it won't find you again."
"You sure you're not being paranoid?"
"It's not paranoia if someone is really out to get you."
"What do you need?"
"I need a favor. Is there any way for you to get a call log on this number?"
"I can try."
"It's a public phone. Belongs to the library. Getting a list of incoming calls is going to be tricky."
"But not impossible." Caleb was a cocky shit, and that's what she loved about him. "I like a challenge. You looking for something in particular?"
"I'll let you know if you find it." Emily turned around and made sure no one was watching her. "You got a pen? I'll give you a number to reach me."
He took her number down. There was a lingering silence on the line. Caleb sighed heavily.
"Emily, seriously, how are you?"
"Still breathing." Unfortunately.
"I know what you went through out there. I know what it does to your mind."
"Yeah." Emily nervously played with the phone cord. "You taking care of yourself?"
"I get by."
"Me too."
"This girl you met…is she nice?"
She's fucking perfect.
"Nicer than I deserve." Emily thought about how calm and patient Alison had been with her in the kitchen, even though she was clearly dealing with her own issues. It dawned on Emily that Alison had sidelined her own problems to help her. "What about you? Are you seeing anyone?"
"Only if you count my right hand."
"What did the left one do to piss you off?"
Caleb huffed out a laugh.
"It's good to hear your voice, Fields."
"Yeah." Emily muttered. "Yeah, you too, Rivers."
"Don't be a stranger, okay?"
"I'll be in touch." Emily promised.
They both knew it was a lie. But it was a lie they were willing to accept in their reality. Knowing that they had someone who understood and actually reaching out to them were two completely different things.
By the time she got back to Alison's place, Alison had already left for work. Emily felt guilty for running out on her, but she knew if she'd stayed cooped up she was going to lose it.
She took a shower, but she still felt restless, so she went back out. She was trying to keep herself occupied…trying to think of anything other than the rising urge to jump in front of a bus.
While Emily was out wandering the town, Alison was at work worrying about Emily's state of mind. She'd seen Emily have violent flashes before, but she'd never pulled a weapon on her. And on top of that she was still reeling from her own guilt. She felt like she was hiding a part of herself from Emily, and it felt like she was back in high school again…like she was that repressed little girl her mother and father hated. And it made her hate herself.
She was sitting at her desk staring off into space and aggressively gnawing on a pen cap. Aria saw the dark circles under her eyes. No amount of concealer could hide her massive hangover. She walked over to her and put her hand on Alison's shoulder, startling her out of her trance.
"Ali, why don't you take the day off?"
Because people die when I take the day off. And her conscience was heavy enough.
"I'm fine."
"You clearly got completely trashed last night. You look like the walking dead."
"Just what a girl wants to hear to make her feel beautiful."
"I'm not here to make you feel beautiful. I'm here to tell you not to be a dumbass. Go home."
"I'm good, Aria." She grit her teeth together. "It's not like I haven't repressed my visits to my brother before."
Her phone line rang and she picked it up.
"Suicide hotline. How can I assist you?"
Her work gave her something to do. It gave her a sense of purpose. It made her forget all the horrible things she'd done. So she buried herself in it. She spent all day helping others while avoiding her own feelings.
When her shift was over she went home and found a pleasant surprise waiting on her. Emily had not only gone out of her way to make her another meal, but she'd livened up the kitchen with freshly picked flowers.
"Breakfast and dinner? What, are you running a restaurant on the side?"
"I don't mind cooking. It keeps my mind busy." Emily gave her a timid smile. She still felt bad about how their morning had started.
"And how is your mind?" Alison put her things down on the counter.
"Uh…better?" It came out more like a question than a definite answer. "I think. I don't really know. I've got this…uh…it's like my mind is always at 100." She moved a few wisps of hair out of her face. "How was your day? Stop anyone from pulling a 'me'?"
"I talked to a couple of people." Alison nodded. She stared at the flowers in the middle of the table. "You picked these for me?"
"Yeah, well, the grocery store didn't have an 'I'm sorry I pulled a knife on you and almost stabbed you' card."
"I wonder why. There's such a market for that." Alison laughed softly.
"How's the hangover?"
"A stark reminder that I'm not 21 anymore and that a simple Tylenol and Gatorade won't cut it." She rubbed her eyebrow. "Look, about that…I really am sorry." She was supposed to be setting an example for Emily. She wasn't supposed to need rescuing. "I asked you to come here because I wanted to give you a place with no complications and to be there for you when you needed it. I'm supposed to be helping you cope with your pain, not piling mine on top of yours."
"You said it yourself…we all have pain." She glanced at the kitchen.
Emily wondered how hard it was for Alison to be in the very spot where her parents were killed. It sure as hell wasn't easy for her to face her past. Going back to her childhood home had nearly destroyed her. She probably would have sold the house and never looked back.
"You were trying to tell me something." Emily looked at her. "Before I flipped out this morning."
"Oh, yeah. It…it was nothing."
Emily knew a lie when she heard one. She could also tell that Alison wanted to tell her. Alison saw Emily staring at her with an inquisitive look. The brunette wasn't pushing her, but Alison could feel a sense of urgency in her brain needling her to come clean.
"You're wondering why I didn't get the hell out of dodge, right?" Alison asked.
"It can't be easy being here."
"A lot of terrible things happened here." She ran her fingers across the marble countertop. "But a lot of wonderful things happened here, too." She glanced at the stove. "My grandmother…" The only person in her family other than her brother who had been worth a shit, "…she taught me how to make snickerdoodles right over there." She pointed to the oven with a smile on her face.
She moved to the side a few paces and started walking through the kitchen.
"And my brother encouraged me to take my first steps right here." She stopped a few feet short of the table. "Aria and I snuck in here during a sleepover and had our very first beers when we were twelve."
She looked around.
"Spencer and I put our very first college project together over there." She pointed towards the pantry. "Cece and I used to pull all-nighters here. We never would have survived without old faithful." She stopped and put her hand on the coffee machine. "We'd get really philosophical about life."
Emily noticed the glaring omission of Alison's parents, though she wasn't surprised.
"There are a lot of memories in this house. I couldn't ever put a price on them. And I don't want one bad memory to sully everything good that happened here."
"How do you do that?" Emily asked curiously.
"Do what?" Alison cocked her head in confusion.
"Pick and choose what memories to live with."
"I don't." She looked over towards the corner where she'd watched three people bleed to death. "I accept the bad. I accept it, because I know I can't change it."
"Can I ask?" Emily questioned.
Alison knew what she wanted to know. She nodded her head.
"What was it like?" She peered where Alison was looking, assuming that's where the fight had happened. "I mean…that day?"
Alison felt her guilt creeping up her spine again.
"It was just a lot of…chaos. Lots of fighting and yelling."
"Do you ever get mad at him?"
"I mean, he's dead, so…"
"No, not your father. Jason."
The innocent question cut her to the bone. Because of course Emily would wonder that. She didn't know the truth.
"I…"
She looked at Emily's big brown eyes and she realized something. The realization felt like a physical slap across her face.
I can't lie to her.
"I can't do this." Alison's shoulders dropped. She looked like a beaten puppy. "Not with you."
She sat down at the table. Emily mirrored her actions, sitting next to her.
"Okay. We don't have to talk about it."
"It's not that…" Alison heaved out a breath and looked up at her. "I lied to you. About my brother."
"What? He's not in jail?" Emily asked. "Who'd you go visit then? You got some Charles Manson fixation on some beefy slab in there?"
It was so unexpected that it made Alison laugh.
"No." I only have eyes for you. She reached across the table and cupped Emily's hands. Emily could feel her shaking.
"Alison, what's wrong?"
"You asked me something that day in our private session…about why I do what I do…" Alison started talking before she could stop herself. "You said I was trying to make up for all my past wrongs…that I did it out of guilt."
"I've said a lot of cruel things that I don't mean…"
"No, you were right. I do it because of my guilt. Not just because of the people I tormented in high school. But because my brother is in prison because of me. He was protecting me."
"He didn't have a choice. They attacked him…"
Alison looked away from Emily, staring at the area of her remodeled kitchen. It had looked very different that day.
"I told you an abbreviated version of the truth." Alison swallowed a knot in her throat. "The truth is…he's still protecting me." She slowly forced herself to look at Emily again. "He didn't do it, Emily." She took a breath. "I did."
She still remembered the queasy feeling she'd gotten in her stomach when she'd come home from Jason's apartment to find her parents and her father's friend Darren waiting for her in the dining area.
Her brother was right behind her with his truck so they could pack up her things, but being alone was terrifying for her, especially when she saw the look on her father's face.
"Alison, we've been worried sick. Where have you been?" Her mother had glared angrily at her.
Alison knew that in her absence, her father had probably been taking his pissy attitude out on her mother, which in turn made her mother just as unbearable as her father.
"Worried? Yeah, right. Like you actually give a shit." Alison had tried to make a move towards the staircase, but her father had blocked her path.
"You will not speak to your mother that way." Her father had grabbed her arm.
"Why not? You do." She'd yanked free of his grasp and stared angrily at him.
"Hey, is that any way to treat the two people who have given you such a beautiful life?" Darren had stepped in.
"What's HE doing here?" Her voice was laced with venom.
She hated him with a passion. He had a cocky air of confidence in his stride. He charmed everyone he met, but Alison could see right through him. Ever since her father had made the marriage arrangement Darren had been showing up more often. He looked at her in ways that made her feel uncomfortable. He exuded a disgusting amount of egotistical authority. He had a domineering presence, like he couldn't wait to have her…to own her.
The fact that her parents were pushing her off on him made her feel sick.
Her dad took Darren's side, immediately scolding her.
"Alison, you won't be rude to our guest. Darren has been a wonderful friend to this family…"
Because he was a fucking pedophile who wanted her in his bed.
"This behavior of yours is unbecoming of you. There will be no more running off and sneaking around."
"Yeah, heaven forbid your children-groping priest at church find out that your daughter is a big old lesbian."
"Don't you get smart with me, young lady. From here on out you are to check in with me, your mother, or Darren every day…"
"You can't force me to do anything I don't want to do. I'll be eighteen soon."
"You're also still completely dependent on us. Your car is in our name. You live under our roof. You don't have the means to support yourself."
"Well, I'll FIND the means. It's sure as hell better than you passing me off to some sicko who likes to diddle little girls."
"Alison, it isn't like that." Darren scowled at her. She saw a raging hot hatred in his eyes, something she was certain he would take out on her at a later date.
"Fuck off, Darren. I don't care how much my parents are paying you…"
"That is enough!" Her mother yelled.
"I can't believe you." Alison spun to face her mother, her face red and angry. "How can you be okay with this? How can you tell me it's wrong to love girls but force HIM on me?"
Her mother didn't respond. She just stared at her daughter with glassy eyes.
"Mom, why won't you do something about this?" Alison cried.
"Your father is right. We'll not have you shame this family with your deplorable choices. I trust Darren far more than some slutty little temptation you feel is the flavor of the week."
"Fuck you. Fuck both of you. I'm going to stay with Jason…"
"No, you most certainly will not. Your brother is unwell." Her mother had a stony look of resolve on her face. "I've been meaning to put in a call to Radley Sanitarium…"
"You are NOT sending him to a nuthouse."
"He needs help, Alison."
"You're only doing this because you can't control me anymore. You're just looking for any excuse to keep me under your thumb. And it's not going to work."
"You need to calm down. You're getting hysterical." Darren took a step towards her, but she moved away from him.
"What would people think if they knew you were just WAITING for the clock to run down on a minor just so you can't get into her panties, Darren?" She spit. "I swear if any of you does ANYTHING to Jason I'll make sure you all go down for this. I…I'll call the FBI."
Her parents just laughed. Darren rolled his eyes.
"And tell them what?" Darren asked. "Who is going to believe you?"
Jason did. Having her brother stand by her side had given her a newfound confidence she hadn't had before.
"I will NEVER marry you."
Darren's cheeks flushed in anger. He snatched her arm and squeezed it tightly. He grabbed her face with his other hand, pressing his fingers into her cheeks, forcing her to face him. He kept his voice low, so her parents couldn't hear exactly what he was saying.
"I WILL have you." He looked over her body and grinned sadistically. "I'll make you forget every impure thought you've ever had. I will claim what is rightfully mine."
"Too fucking bad I'm not a virgin. You want to know how many women I've let inside of me? How many times I've yelled their names?"
Her parents looked horrified, but Darren's lips twisted into a smirk.
"Your experimental conquests don't count."
"You'll never be able to please me like a woman can." She got a snarky look on her face. She leaned forward and smirked evilly. "I'll never come for you."
"Alison!" Her mother exclaimed in disapproval. "What a vile thing to say."
"What's vile is you two trying to set me up with this piece of shit. You think it's wrong for me to like girls, but what does it say about you that this man you want me to be with wants to have sex with a CHILD?"
"That's quite enough. You've upset your parents enough for one night." Darren raised his hand like he was going to hit her.
He never got the chance. There was a loud clang and then a large fist swinging in towards Darren. She saw a flash of Jason's blonde hair and heard him growl angrily.
"Get the fuck away from her."
Jason had seemingly come out of nowhere. No one had seen him come in the house. He tackled Darren to the ground, knocking over his father in the process. He drew back to throw a punch at Darren's face.
"If you ever touch my sister again I swear I'll fucking kill you…"
"Jason!" His mother cried as she ran towards the fight. "Get off of him!"
Alison's father got to his feet. He grabbed his son and pulled him away from Darren. He held him back as Darren pulled himself up off of the floor. Jason elbowed his dad in the face and managed to get away from him.
He lunged towards Darren again, but Darren grabbed a knife from the cutlery set and sliced into his arm. Jason hissed and tried to back off, but Darren dug the knife into his thigh. When Darren drew back to strike again, Jason pulled a gun from his waistband.
Before he could get a shot off, his dad struck him in the head with a heavy decorative bowl. The hit jolted Jason. He dropped his pistol.
The gun bounced off of the floor and the men started to subdue Jason. Alison bent over without thinking and picked the weapon up. Alison saw Darren raising the knife again, this time towards Jason's throat.
Jason dodged the knife and looked up and saw Alison holding the gun. He saw the look in her eyes. He managed to get away from his dad and Darren.
"Alison, don't!"
He'd only brought the weapon as a way to protect himself and intimidate his parents if he needed to. He never would have put his little sister in the position of staring over the barrel of a gun. He'd lived that life overseas. He didn't want that for Alison. He knew she'd carry it with her for the rest of her life.
She was only aiming to fire a warning shot, but once she squeezed the trigger something came over her. All of her bottled up frustration and anger poured out of her, and she couldn't stop. Jason dived on to the floor to avoid the bullets. No one else in the kitchen had seen her grab the weapon.
The first bullet went through Darren's temple, tearing through his face and continuing its trajectory until it hit her father in between his eyes. Both men dropped to the floor. The second bullet pierced the wall by the china cabinet. The third one ricocheted and struck her mother above her left eye.
Alison finally pulled her finger away from the trigger. The sudden quietness struck her. The arguing was over.
Jason lifted his head and looked at the men next to him. They were covered in blood. He'd seen enough on the battlefield to know they were dead. His mother looked dead, too. His next priority was his little sister.
Alison covered her mouth when she saw the gory scene. She let out a strangled cry.
What had she done?
"I…oh my God." Alison slid to the ground, the gun still in her hand. "Oh my God, I killed them."
Jason stood up and limped over to her. He leaned down in front of her.
"Give me the gun…"
"Did you not hear me? I KILLED our parents!"
"Give. Me. The. Gun," he said calmly.
She did as she was told. He holstered the weapon and then gently picked her up off of the floor, moving her to a chair.
"Are you hurt?" He asked.
"I killed them."
"Ali, listen to me. You're in shock. You came in and saw us fighting. You tried to stop it, but Darren shoved you and then stabbed me. I shot him. I shot him because he was coming back at me with the knife, and I was afraid that he would kill us both. And mom and dad accidentally got caught in the crossfire."
"What?"
"Say it. I need to hear you repeat it. Word for word."
"But you didn't…"
"You are not going to fucking prison over this. This was not your fight. It's my job to protect you. And I'm sorry I've been away and I haven't been there for you. But I can protect you now."
"Jason, I can't…"
"I've killed people. I've killed innocent people that were caught up in war." There was a darkness in his eyes. "You have no idea what I did when I was overseas. The people I hurt…the people I tortured. Trust me, me going to jail for this is a form of karma."
"No. No one has to go to jail. We…we say it was self-defense."
"We don't get to decide the charges. And I'm not leaving your fate in the hands of our justice system, especially given they might try you as an adult. Now tell me what happened."
"I…I came in and saw you fighting."
"Good."
"When I tried to stop it, Darren shoved me and grabbed a knife and stabbed you. They were going to hurt us. They were going to hurt us, so you stopped him."
"Again."
Alison repeated it several more times.
Jason cupped Alison's cheeks in his large burly hands.
"This never leaves this house. Do you understand me?"
Alison nodded weakly.
"Okay, I'm going to call the police, but before I do I want you to practice one more time."
Alison started to recite the story again. And she sounded shaky and unsure and nervous, all things that Jason knew the police would equate with shock. She looked like someone who had seen one of the worst things in the world happen, and it was going to be her saving grace.
As Alison was in the middle of her story, they heard a groan. Jason spun around. He hadn't expected any survivors. When they looked towards the noise they saw their mother's head roll to the side, her mouth open, a horrible noise coming out of it.
"Oh, fuck. Mom?" Jason raced over to her. He leaned down and checked her pulse. How the hell was she still alive?
He had a horrifying thought that he regretted immediately about how their story could fall apart if she woke up. But the thought was brief and passed quickly. This was a living breathing human being. His mother. She was horrible, but she'd given him life. Plus the chances of her actually regaining consciousness and remembering exactly what happened were very slim.
He called 911.
Alison had stayed in the chair the whole time, in shock. She'd buried that night deep in her brain and hadn't revisited it since.
Until she told Emily the truth.
Emily listened as Alison told her side of the story, a story that Emily just so happened to believe still justified what happened to her horrid parents and that disgusting pedophile of a man.
"My brother is in prison for something I did." Alison was crying.
"It was self-defense." Emily reached up to wipe away her tears.
"But it wasn't. A little part of me…a little part of me wanted it to happen. I wanted them to cross that line, because I wanted them out of my life. For good. I'm a terrible person." She lowered her head and started to weep. "What kind of person kills her parents and then lets her brother take the fall for it?"
Alison pushed her chair out and stood up. She angrily swiped at the tears on her face. She hated that she was like this. She hated that she was crying in front of Emily.
"You were right about me, Emily. Everything I do…I'm overcompensating…and trying to make up for it. I've been trying to make up for it since the day that it happened. I do what I do because I have an obligation to help people. It was a promise I made to Jason before he went to jail. But what right do I have…telling other people to face their demons when I can't look mine in the eyes? I'm a fake. Everything I stand for is fake."
She turned away from Emily, ashamed of her past. Ashamed of not being able to fight back against her demeaning parents. Ashamed that when she had fought back she'd taken it too far.
Emily recognized the pain…the self-hatred immediately. She knew exactly how low Alison felt at that moment. Because Emily lived her life in that area. And looking at her, watching her break, she realized she never wanted to see anyone in the amount of pain that she was in, especially not Alison DiLaurentis.
Emily reached out, taking Alison's hand. The blonde's fingers wrapped around Emily's with no hesitation. Emily reached up with her free hand and softly put her palm against Alison's cheek.
"Alison, you are the only real thing in my life." There was nothing about the girl that was fake.
She could feel Alison shaking. She pulled her in close to her body. She kissed her forehead with a delicacy that Alison had never felt before. She hugged Alison tightly, resting her chin against her fair blonde hair. Emily cradled the back of Alison's head, and she was reminded of something her father had once said to her when she was a little girl.
"Love someone for who they are. Not who they used to be."
Alison sure as hell didn't judge her on her past. Emily didn't judge Alison either.
"Listen to me. Whatever demons you have in your past, they're not a reflection of who you are now. Who you are now is the person who pulled me back from the brink of death. Who you are now is the person who cared enough to fight for me when I wouldn't fight for myself. Who you are now is beautiful."
Alison smiled tearfully. She nuzzled close to Emily, feeling safe, feeling secure. She relaxed against her, laying her cheek against Emily's chest as she embraced her. She had such a solid physique. The beat of Emily's heart against her ear lulled her into a state of comfort.
As Emily stood in the very spot where three people had died, holding her and caressing the back of her head, Alison realized something. Neither one of them was alone anymore.
When they were together their pasts didn't matter. They were both on a path to healing and they were on it together. They were taking the broken fragments of their lives and piecing together a beautiful work of art. At the very least, they had each other.
A/N: Seeing as how this chapter dealt with domestic abuse (and sexual advances towards a minor), I feel it's beyond important for people to know where to seek out help. There are numerous ways to reach out for help, but the main one in the states is the Domestic Abuse Hotline. (1) 800-799-7233. There are also resources in other countries. There are numbers you can call for help if you're ever in a dangerous situation. Never be afraid to ask for help. Know there are people out there who will always believe your story, no matter what anyone says.