Upgrades
Episode tag to "Upgrades"
There isn't one part of her body that doesn't hurt. Having superhuman powers had been the most exhilarating rush ever. But now that the armbands have fallen off and her muscles don't remember the strength they possessed for a little while, Sam can feel even the tiniest of them. Climbing into her jeans is like climbing Everest, and she needs to sit down for a break before she goes on to the next leg that is her jacket. When her body stops hurting, the memories of what happened on Apophis' ship come back. Her inner eye recalls the look on his face, and a sensation different to pain rocks her body. No man ever has looked at her this way. Loving, caring, willing to die for her.
Sam can't remember the exact moment she realized how she felt for him. Perhaps when he got lost on Edora. Her feelings had crept in slowly, secretly, and then with a sheer unignorable force. In his case, the realization had played out right in front of her. A performance of emotions—one stronger than the other and no chance to conceal them. First, Colonel-concern. Then the frustration of not being able to save her. The growing panic. The outburst of devotion. Finally, the realization of love. Shock, confusion, AHA all swirled up with deep affection.
The intensity of the moment threatens to overwhelm her. Sam tries to swallow the knot that has formed in her throat hours ago and won't go away.
Finally dressed, she steps out of the locker room and finds Colonel O'Neill leaning against the wall. Jeans, white shirt, the leather jacket that fits so nicely. It's not the first time that she notices how good he looks out of his BDUs, but it's the first time since she has admitted to herself how she feels for him. And the first time with the knowledge that those feelings might be mutual. She knows it's wrong. She knows it's forbidden, and nevertheless, it sends a smile on her face. It's the only muscle that doesn't hurt, but if she can't stop controlling this beam, it will soon. A nervous smirk spreads on his lips—he's not quite the always cool Colonel. Sam likes that she's the reason for it. O'Neill pushes off the wall and digs his hands into his pockets.
"Daniel wants a steak," he says. "And since you caused a brawl at O'Malley, we're making some at my place."
She enjoys way too much how his eyes jump back and forth between her and his boots.
"Teal'c and Daniel went ahead for shopping, and I'm...uh...here to ask you. Wanna come?"
It's thrilling to have this newfound power over him. It's so wrong to enjoy it but tell that a woman that has never felt so intensely for a man. Make it a woman that can clearly see how her presence alone makes said man blush the tiniest bit.
She should go home. Calm her head and stop her heart from beating a too fast pace for her CO. This is trouble, and unfortunately, Sam Carter is someone who is usually into that. It all started after her mother's death as a rebellion to her father. In the academy, there had always been another stupid as a reason to be rebellious against the establishment. But this time it's different. Even though it feels big and profound and probably life-changing—more than anything else she has ever felt before—it can't happen. They are good together. Good at fighting the Goa'ulds. Good at making allies. Good at coming up with wakey plans that save the world. It's all that matters at the moment: The war they are fighting. Without wanting to sound big-headed, they are playing a crucial part in winning it.
"Steak sounds good," Sam says as a dispute to the thoughts that rush through her head. And so they stroll towards the elevator. When an airman comes their way, the Colonel stays by her side, the back of his hand lightly brushing hers. An ordinary touch that ignites her beam again. Goddammit Sam, stop it already.
While the elevator works it's way up Sam stands quietly wedged into the corner far from him, mostly because SG- has squeezed in last minute. Major Wade is trying to get Colonel O'Neill to talk about the wristbands and how cool the superpowers have been. The Colonel answers unwillingly.
"Sounds like it was a tight safe in the end?" Wade says, and Sam is surprised how quickly gossip travels in the mountain.
"You know us. We always find a loophole," Colonel O'Neill answers his glance hushing over to her.
"Sometimes you make us look bad, Jack. Always willing to stay back even if it means dying with a team member." Wade says. It's sincere, but it lets Sam's inner alarm bell ring. Before the Colonel can answer the doors open and SG-3 steps out, leaving him and her in the vacuum of the earlier conversation.
Eventually, he breaks the silence. "It was too close."
When she looks into his eyes, it's all there again. His feelings play out once more. Without the force field between them, it's much harder to counter his look. Without the force field, she needs to hold herself back, and only now she admits to herself that she would have kissed him if it weren't for that shield. The wish to do so becomes overwhelming, and she lowers her eyes, cursing her skin to give everything away with a deep blush that covers her cheeks.
"It was," she whispers.
"I couldn't leave you behind," he says, and it feels like his sentence is missing a word. Something like 'ever.' This gap hangs between them, and she could swear she hears his heart pound in his chest. Before she can say anything, the doors open, and a group of airmen comes in. They're mid-conversation and don't seem to recognize the two members of mountain-famous SG-1. Accidentally one bumps into Sam. In retrospect, it's a very light bump—no reason at all to stumble sidewards right into the arms of Colonel O'Neill. But here she is. Before she can overthink it, his hands tightened around her arms, then the elevator doors open again, and the airmen step out. When the doors close, he's still holding her—with his hands and equally with his eyes. It takes all the power she possesses to suppress the urge to lean forward and kiss him. And if he keeps looking at her this way, it's a battle she's going to lose.
Get yourself together, she thinks, but neither moves her eyes nor her body away. On the contrary, she can't help but bite her lip as if she is trying to get an idea of how Jack's lips on hers would feel.
SAM!
As if the Colonel can hear her inner voice screaming, he drops his arms and takes a step back just in time before the elevator doors open to the world outside. He gestures her to get out first.
Like so many times before, stepping out of the elevator means stepping into a world where Apophis doesn't exist, where no Replicators are threatening to destroy Earth, or Atoneek Armbands are a thing of superhero movies. Just like many times before, Sam tries to leave everything in the mountain—the world between the worlds. Not that the flutter in her stomach caused by his aftershave is allowed there. But under no circumstances can she allow to bring those feelings into the real world. If she starts to wonder how it would be to wake up in his arms, to spend an evening watching TV together, to brush teeth next to each other, it will become too real. Then there is no way back. Feeling all those feelings works on an alien planet or in the eye of death because the next thought will go back to the mission. Out here, it would be uncontrollable, and she knows herself well enough to admit that actions would follow.
Really, she should be going home. Not because she enjoys this spark between them, but because she's afraid of what it would ignite. However, she decides to join the guys for dinner. To deal with it, she needs to ignore it, and the best way to do so is to pretend it doesn't influence her. To pretend it's not there. She can do it. Has practice with it. She pretended when her mom died, and when her father and brother started fighting. She pretended when she realized that Hanson was an ass and when she first noticed her feelings for Jack. She has gotten good at it. Maybe this was why she doesn't have a life. But she has this job and a war to fight. Besides, she has always been better at following what her mind tells ther o do, than what her heart aches for.
„See you at my house?" the Colonel asks as they arrive at her car.
„Yes, Sir."
Thank god for the military protocol to default back to.
He squints his eyes, then smirks knowingly. He understands. They'll be good.