A/N: Caution: this chapter is a rollercoaster of feels. Sensitive material alert.

Also, just one more annoying ad before you can enjoy the commercial free content: Though Thanksgiving is fast approaching, I plan on adhering to my schedule as usual next week.

I've never been big on celebrating holidays, least of all Thanksgiving, cuz...you know, mass genocide of Native Americans and all that. But given that it is next week and given that I grew up with it as a form of the spirit of thankfulness, I just wanted to take this time to say I'm thankful for all of my readers. And I also am going to use it as a selfish plug in case anyone is feeling particularly generous and wants to say "thanks" to me. My ko-fi account is ko-fi(/)EllaKay.

Chapter 10:

Anger Management

Alison felt a mixture of guilt and relief after she admitted the truth to Emily. The last thing she wanted to do was pile her trauma on top of Emily's, but at the same time she knew they could never truly move forward if Emily didn't know the full story.

She thought that maybe Emily would open up more about her past, but Emily was still a steel trap. She was soft with Alison, but she kept her at a distance. Alison knew the basics. She knew that Emily had watched her father die and that things had been really rough on her after her mother remarried. But she didn't elaborate.

Emily still disappeared sometimes without telling Alison where she was going. But that was only because the things she was doing behind her back were dangerous.

Caleb had gotten her a list of phone numbers that had called the public access phone. Every day for two weeks she set up shop near the phone. She watched the traffic to and from the library during different times of the day. She used the internet to start tracking down some of the phone numbers on her list.

Her morning routine was always the same:

Get up. Take her meds. Leave Ali a sweet note. Exercise if she felt like it. And then it was off to find out whether or not the bastard was still anywhere near town.

Her latest conquest was someone who lived around the block from the library. She had taken a bus to a crossroads and had stopped long enough for coffee to keep her awake.

She had slept like shit the past several nights, which her doctor told her was a side effect of her poor health. Her liver wasn't completely failing, but it was deteriorating.

She'd felt pretty decent when she got up that morning. She'd gotten up early to take a jog around the block with Lupo.

After she'd fed him she'd left a note for Alison to let her know that she was going out for a little while so she wouldn't worry when she woke up.

Lupo had looked at her with his big sad eyes when she walked by his leash and left without him. She'd seen him staring out the window. It had made her feel bad. But she didn't want to put him at risk.

The morning had been going fairly smooth. No one had really paid any attention to the fact that she was hanging out and watching the phone usage, listening in the hopes that someone would say something that would get her the information she needed.

She saw one person calling for a ride, two drug deals, and a homeless man trying to bumble his way through a phone interview for a job.

She packed it in after a while and went to find a place to stake out the nearby house. She watched the house all day, waiting for some kind of activity.

She couldn't help but laugh about Hollywood's depiction of stake outs. Nine times out of ten they were boring as hell. Sitting, staring, waiting for something to happen, needing to pee, but having nowhere to go.

At the very least, she had a sketchpad and could occupy her time while drawing portraits of Alison. She liked drawing the blonde. It soothed her.

At 3:30 a car pulled into the driveway. Emily watched carefully. An over-tired looking woman climbed out of the front seat wearing clothes that were at least two sizes too small for her. A lanky looking teen climbed out of the passenger's side. He had earbuds in his ears and was looking at the world with indifference. The woman leaned into the back seat and emerged a few seconds later with a toddler on her hip.

Emily had a feeling that the person who'd called the public phone was the boy or his mother. Either the boy was calling a secret girlfriend, or the woman…who had on a wedding band…was calling a secret boyfriend.

After another hour a rusty old pick-up truck pulled in next to the car. A tall lanky man who looked like the embodiment of Eminem from the early 2000s stepped out.

Definitely not who I'm looking for.

Emily reached in her pocket and crossed yet another address off of her list of suspects. She only had about seven left. Then she would be back to square one. She knew she was chasing a ghost, but she didn't care.

She started on her way back to the library to see if anyone else would show up to use the phone. She was half a block away when she heard someone shout her name.

"Emily?"

She froze. Her hands balled up into tightly wound fists. She hated being surprised.

She relaxed when she saw Charles waving at her. He had on a mesh top and a pair of Go-Go boots he'd been eyeing for the longest time.

"Hey, girl." When he got closer she could see the body glitter shining on his skin.

"Hey." Emily smiled. "You got the boots."

"Mrs. Nancy Sinatra is green with envy." Charles replied with confidence. Emily had really enjoyed seeing him come into his own.

"Where's Andrew?" Emily looked around.

Lately they hadn't gone anywhere without one another.

"He had a late shift last night. He's catching up on some Zzzs." Charles shrugged. "You going to the session?"

Shit.

She had completely forgotten about the group session. It was actually the last thing she wanted to do. She hated sitting around waiting for Alison to ask her to talk about her feelings. She wanted to get in as much recon as she could.

"Maybe. I'm trying to get some things done today."

He stuck his lip out in a pout.

"It's more fun when you're there."

Emily had no idea why everyone in that group had latched on to her, but they had. She was like the Freaks and Geeks whisperer. They were all fascinated by her. Despite her gruff attitude, she was always kind to them. She'd give them the shirt off of her back and they all knew it.

"Hanna makes the same snarky comments that I do. I trust her to make decent quips in my absence."

"Oh, come on! I hear Mona is bringing cupcakes. You know that girl can bake a mean pastry."

Mona had taken to baking since she'd completed her mandatory therapy. She told everyone it was a Zen habit and that it made her feel in control. And whatever she was doing was working for her, because she was making some five-star desserts.

"Well, I mean…how can I say no to free food?" Emily laughed.

"Yay!" Charles exclaimed. "You want to walk together?"

"I'll have to catch up with you. I've got a few errands I have to run first. Just boring stuff."

She talked to him for a few minutes and then they parted ways. He waved to her and walked off. She waved back.

She turned away, not knowing that they weren't the only ones there.

She was so busy looking for ghosts and demons out in the open that she forgot to look in the shadows.

She went back to the library, curious to see if anyone would show up. She pulled her sketchpad out to make herself look busy. She watched the phone for a while.

After an hour a bubbly young blonde sauntered up to it. She looked around. She was young. Maybe sixteen. The phone started ringing and she picked it up. She talked to someone for a few minutes. When she was done she sat down on the bench next to it.

Fifteen minutes later the same teenager Emily had seen get out of the car at the house she'd been watching came strolling up to her. He had a look on his face like he was getting away with murder. He was clearly seeing the girl behind his mother's back.

Good for you, little buddy. Parents are assholes. Stick it to them.

She watched them flitter away…happy, young, in love. She realized she had never been any of those things. The last time she remembered being happy was when she was five. Her youth had been ripped away from her. And love had eluded her for the longest time. Though that wasn't necessarily the case now. She wasn't sure what was going on with Alison, but she knew she felt something.

Alison.

"Shit." She looked at the clock.

She was late for the group session. She grabbed her things and hurried out the door. She knew Alison would worry, so she texted her to let her know she'd gotten held up running errands.

Emily wasn't sure how much the therapy was actually helping her. She didn't feel shiny and new…or anything even remotely close to human.

Alison was trying so hard to get her to open up, but Emily felt more isolated than ever. And she felt bad for feeling that way.

She was halfway to the bus stop when she realized that Alison hadn't texted her back yet, which was odd. The girl was practically glued to her phone. Then again, if she was in the middle of the session she wouldn't want to be rude to the people who were sharing their feelings.

The group really wasn't so bad. A lot of people came and went, but there were quite a few regulars. She'd grown fond of them. Hanna was a blast to hang out with. Charles was the sweetest boy Emily had ever met, and she was so glad that he was finally thriving. Melissa was a little bit of a loner, but she always had time if someone needed it. And Mona was wickedly smart. When Mona and Hanna got together, they came up with some outrageously funny stuff. Comedy routine stand-up kind of funny.

Emily's phone started vibrating in her pocket. She looked at the screen and saw Hanna's name. She assumed she was calling to bitch at her for not being there.

"Hey there, hot stuff," Emily teased. "Your ears must have been burning."

"Oh my God, Emily, it's bad. It's really bad." Hanna sputtered out nervously.

Emily's first thought was that something terrible had happened to Alison. And it caused a momentary paralysis of all of her senses. She was frozen in place, feeling her pulse pounding in her entire body. Wild random thoughts were running through her mind.

All the digging you've been doing has conjured up the worst of your past. You fuckwit. You should have left her out of it.

Then there was a quick change in direction.

What if it's some asshole who was friends with that Dickhead Darren guy and they found out the truth and are out to get her?

She was so wrapped up in her thoughts that she barely even realized that Hanna was still talking.

"…we didn't know. But when Alison didn't show up…"

Emily's chest felt like it was caving in. Her heart was beating so fast that her stomach was seizing in pain. She thought she was having a heart attack, but she realized it was just anxiety. Sometimes panic felt more real to her than her physical ailments.

"She's at the hospital now."

"Whoa, whoa. Hanna, slow down. What happened?" Emily managed to squeak out.

"Charles was brought into the ER severely beaten an hour ago. Apparently before he blacked out in the ambulance he gave them Ali's number. We just found out. She didn't show up to group, so we started to worry. Mona did some digging and she found out."

Emily felt a flurry of mixed emotions. Alison was okay. But Charles…

"Charles is hurt?" She'd just seen him.

"It's really bad, Em," she repeated. "He's got like…swelling in his brain and shit."

"Okay, listen…I'm on my way. I'm going to call Ali right now and see if I can find anything else out."

Hanna sobbed into the phone and Emily tried to calm her down before they said goodbye. When she tried Alison's phone she didn't get an answer.

She didn't wait around for the bus. Instead she hoofed it on foot. The hospital was three miles from the bus station. By the time she got there she felt like she was going to puke. Her side was aching so much that she ended up digging her pain meds out of her bag and taking one.

She found Alison in the ER talking to someone in scrubs. She waited until the doctor walked away and then walked over to the blonde.

Alison turned around and jumped in surprise.

"Emily? What…" She saw her sweat-soaked brow and her cherry-colored cheeks. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." Emily reached up, her hand landing against the side of Alison's neck. "Are you?"

Alison looked tired. And heartbroken. And it pissed Emily off. She wanted to fix it.

"Yeah. What are you doing here?"

"I heard about Charles." Emily wiped some sweat away from her face. "I tried to call you."

"I left my phone in my car. After I got the call about him I was so frazzled…"

"How is he?"

"They're taking him in for surgery now."

All Emily could picture was the sweet towheaded boy walking away from her just an hour ago. It must have happened right after they'd said goodbye. If only she'd just gone with him…

"What happened?"

"The EMTs didn't get much out of him. Just my name and number. I'm still not sure why he didn't give them Andrew's information. I think he was just that out of it. The doctors don't know if he'll remember anything when he wakes up…" She swallowed hard, "…if he wakes up."

"Fucking hell."

It hit her like a ton of bricks. She had let herself care again. And it hurt to let the pain of love in. She plopped down in a seat in the waiting room.

"They said it might take a few hours." Alison glanced at the clock. Emily looked like she was in rough shape. Alison wasn't sure it was a good idea for her to sit in the waiting area.

"I'm not going anywhere."

Alison knew she wouldn't be able to talk her out of it, so she took a seat next to her. And they waited.

He was in surgery for almost four hours. They had to drill into his skull to reduce the pressure on his brain. They had to put him on a ventilator.

One by one, everyone from their support group came by to visit him. No one had been able to get in touch with Andrew. No one had his number or knew where he lived. And Charles hadn't had his phone on him when he was brought in. He didn't have anyone listed as next of kin on his medical records.

Emily had seen a lot of people torn up from war injuries, but there was something particularly gut-wrenching about coming home and seeing it happen on a bright sunny day in the middle of a sleepy American town.

He was bruised and bloody from head to toe. His face was so swollen that he was barely recognizable. When Emily saw his injuries she felt like she was back on the battlefield.

She could feel the blood draining from her cheeks. But then she felt warmth.

She looked down and saw Alison's fingers wrapped around hers.

Alison had seen the ghostly look on her face and she knew where her mind was going. When Emily looked up at her Alison squeezed her hand.

"He's just a kid," Emily said with tears in her eyes. "Who would do this to him?"

It was a rhetorical question, because in her lifetime Emily had met so many people capable of horrible things. In fact, when she was his age she had done some pretty horrible things. But that's what war did to people. It made people capable of anything.

"They're looking at it as a hate crime." Alison gently touched the young boy's arm. "They say he had derogatory marks cut into his arms and written on his forehead." Alison sighed, looking at the bandages around his arms.

"This never should have happened."

He didn't deserve this. Charles was sweet. Charles was kind. She had watched him go from a shy insecure boy to a giving and confident young man. He was finally in control of his own life. And some fucking asshole had taken it upon himself to rip that away from him.

She'd seen some awful things overseas, but this attack was different. It was more intimate. It was personal.

Emily felt her anger boiling through her body, pumping through her veins. She hated the world. She hated the state of humanity. She hated her new life. She hated that she cared. She hated that had she just offered to go with Charles he would have arrived safely.

Emily reached up and moved some of his blood-stained hair away from his forehead.

I'm so sorry, kid.

She moved her hand down against the bandages on his right arm. She could only imagine the hate-filled scratches the gauze was covering. It made her angry. She took a quiet breath and clenched her jaw so tight her teeth started to hurt.

She knew that whoever had done this was still out there, still roaming the streets. And it triggered the same kind of response as knowing that the person who had caused her the most damage in her life was still out there, too. She didn't know they were one in the same.

She didn't remember ripping her hand away from Alison or striding towards the door. She only realized she was halfway out into the hallway when she heard Alison's panicked voice.

"Emily! Where are you going?" Alison chased after her.

Emily didn't stop.

"I'm going to find out who did this." And I'm going to make them pay…

There were CCTV cameras everywhere. Maybe one had captured something. She would know a bigot's face anywhere.

"The cops are on it."

"The cops are corrupt inept assholes…"

Alison knew that Emily had a grudge against the police since the man her mother had married had turned out to be a dirty cop, but she didn't want her going out there and doing something that could get her injured.

"Hey, stop." Alison moved in front of her. She didn't reach out to touch her because she knew Emily wasn't herself. "Listen to me, this isn't about…him…about your stepfather…"

"Don't fucking call him that." Emily's nostrils flared in a rage.

"Whoever he is…whatever he did…" Alison grimaced. "Not all of the police are…like that."

"You know, you're absolutely right. This isn't about me." She managed to make it sound like it wasn't a lie. "This is about that kid in there."

"Emily…" She tried to argue.

Emily held her hands up to stop her.

"Don't follow me." Emily warned her. "Stay here. When he wakes up he's going to need a friend."

"Em…" Alison reached out and tentatively took her hand, "…this isn't going to do anyone any good."

Emily snatched her hand away.

"We'll see about that."

Alison grunted in disapproval and blew an angry breath out through her nose.

She's hot when she's pissed. It was an odd thing for Emily to notice as she was storming away, but that's where her brain went.

"You better fucking come home in one piece." Alison warned her.

"I was never in one piece." Emily shrugged, walking out the door.

For half a second, Alison thought about going after her. But then she realized that Emily was right. Charles was vulnerable. And she couldn't leave him all alone. She cared very much about her support group. And she never wanted any of them to be in pain. She knew she couldn't do anything about Charles's pain. And she couldn't do anything about Emily's either. It was frustrating.

While she sat with Charles, Emily was out running the streets. She searched for hours, talking to people…threatening people. She called Caleb and had him hack into the CCTV cameras. She didn't find anything.

She ran into a dead end. And when she realized she'd failed, yet again, she fell into a spiral of depression.

As soon as her discouragement took over, she found herself staring into the bottom of a whiskey sour. She had wanted bourbon, but the shithole bar she'd ended up at didn't have any of the brown liquors she liked.

One drink became two. Two became four. Her vision started going fuzzy. She lost track of time. She didn't hear her phone when Alison called or texted.

Alison was trying to give her an update on Charles. Hanna had been able to get in touch with Andrew. A few hours after Emily had left the hospital Charles had opened his eyes, but only briefly. Andrew and Alison were by his side when he woke up.

It had been an emotional moment. One Alison was glad she was there for.

After he went back to sleep Andrew told Alison he wanted to stay, so she went home.

Alison had been hoping that Emily would be there, but she wasn't surprised to find the house empty. She hadn't started to worry until around midnight. She was afraid Emily had gotten herself wrapped up in something dangerous.

She stayed awake for as long as she could, but she'd been exhausted by the day's events. She ended up falling asleep around 12:30.

At 1 AM Lupo woke her up. He was barking wildly at something. Alison shot up off of the couch. She heard a thud out on the front porch followed by a string of profanity. She opened the door and found Emily pulling herself off of the ground.

"You're drunk." Alison glared at her.

"Keen observation, Captain Obvious." Emily got to her feet. Fuck, she's mad. She's disappointed. She deserves better.

"Why?"

"Why not?" I'm going to end up like Charles. Trapped in a bed. Clinging to life. Fuck that. "How's Charlie boy?" Emily stumbled forward into the house, nearly tripping over her feet.

Alison grabbed her arm to keep her from falling face first into the floor.

When Alison grabbed her, Emily's vision went white. Her entire body felt like it was on fire. She felt excruciating pain. She could hear her past cries.

Alison saw the panicked look on her face and quickly let her go. Emily jerked her arm away and started taking deep heaving breaths. Lupo sniffed at the air curiously, watching from across the living room. He always sensed when he needed to keep his distance.

"Em, I didn't mean to…"

"You didn't." Emily interrupted her. "It's not your fault I'm fucked up."

"You're not. You're hurting. I know you're in pain."

"I'm a goddamn raging bitch is what I am." She wasn't afraid of a little self-deprecation. I'm a fucking disappointment.

"Stop undermining yourself."

Emily was in no mood for a psychoanalysis. She gripped her throbbing head. She was going to have a hell of a hangover.

"God, do you ever turn the psychobabble off?" She muttered.

"No, because I actually give a shit about you." Alison snapped.

Life would be so much simpler if you didn't.

She looked at Alison. She looked into her eyes, and she was spellbound. Every time she looked at Alison she saw sex in heels. She felt her, clenching around her fingers. She saw her face twisted in ecstasy. But she also saw the delicate side of her…the side of her that held her cheeks when they kissed, and the side of her that reached for her hand in hospital rooms when things were too painful.

God, I want to fuck her. I want to fuck her so bad. I want to pin her down and just really go at her. I want to suck on her tits as she comes.

"Why the fuck do you care?" Emily asked, tears in her eyes.

"Because I'm fucked up, too!" Alison exclaimed in exasperation. "I'm just as fucked up as you are." She saw a strange spark in Emily's eyes and she regretted the way she'd worded it. "That…I mean…that's not what I…"

"No. You're right. I am fucked up. I literally just said that. Jesus Christ, I know I'm fucked up." Emily seemed annoyed. "What sane person takes a cocktail of pills and waits to die by the train tracks?" She sighed, furrowing her brow at Alison. She wanted to kiss her so badly. "You like broken things."

Alison knew Emily was right.

"I do." Alison's tone had softened immensely. "I like the power I feel when I can fix them."

Emily didn't respond at first. She rubbed her knuckles nervously.

They had been doomed from the start, and Emily knew it. Looking at Charles in that hospital bed today had only served as a reminder that she was always a day late and a dollar short. She would never measure up. She could never make Alison happy. She was broken beyond repair.

"You can't fix me." Emily looked at the floor. "No one can fix me." She slowly lifted her head to meet Alison's eyes. "So…save yourself the trouble…and the heartache. Because there is no way that this ends for us that doesn't cause you pain. Just…walk away, Alison." Walk away before you get hurt…before I hurt you.

Alison saw such a desolate look in the brunette's eyes. There was a world of turmoil in her gaze. She could actually see that Emily was falling…careening through darkness. She could see her standing on the edge of the cliff.

"I can't do that." Alison moved closer.

"Why not?"

Alison reached up to touch her face. She expected Emily to slap her hands away, but Emily just lowered her chin and fought back tears. She felt so unworthy.

"You know why." Alison moved forward and gently pressed her lips against Emily's. She could taste the bitter alcohol on them.

Emily didn't have the willpower to stop her. Alison pulled back and stroked her cheek.

"You've known since the moment I met you…"

Please don't say it. Emily thought she might have the strength to walk away if Alison didn't…

"I love you." Alison cupped her cheek. "I'm in love with you."

Fuck.

It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair…because Emily felt the same way. She felt alive with Alison, and that felt worse than death. Because she could feel. She could feel everything. And she knew that would destroy Alison. She couldn't stand the thought of breaking her heart. So instead, she buried everything deep inside and she pushed Alison away…for her own good.

"No." Emily shook her head. It was the hardest thing in the world to do…to deny that love. "You're not. You're in love with the idea of playing the savior. You want to be the hero…"

Alison knew she didn't mean it. She could read the brunette so well. She knew she was just trying to put on a false bravado. She could see her shaking inside.

"I'm not your brother, Alison. I'm not some fucking project that you can turn into a success story. If you think this has a happy ending you haven't been paying attention."

"Why do you do this to yourself?" Alison demanded angrily.

"Because…" Emily stopped.

She looked at the girl in front of her. For a second she thought she might be imagining her. Because she couldn't be real. No one had ever cared this much. Emily had never even cared this much about herself.

"Because what?" Alison ordered her to finish.

Emily closed her eyes and swallowed a drunken gulp of air. She saw Charles in the hospital. She saw her brother on the battlefield. She saw her squad being ripped apart by bullets and blown to bits. She saw her dad in the restaurant. She saw her mother in her coffin. She saw every second of her painful adolescence. And she saw her little sister…

Pain like nothing she'd ever experienced before. She was so angry. And so hurt. And she was at the lowest of the low. She wanted nothing more than to put a bullet in her brain. It was a constant thought in her mind, mocking her, taunting her during her every waking moment.

And all at once, her emotions came crashing to the surface. She felt a white hot rage. She felt the burden of her guilt. She felt the pain of her loss. And everything she was bottling up came to a head.

"Because I would do anything to forget. I would do anything to make it stop." Emily spun around, her fist flying at the wall before she knew what she was doing.

The crashing sound of her knuckles hitting the wall made Alison jump. Lupo cautiously walked over towards them, whining. Alison shooed him away.

Emily slung her fist towards the wall again. She had so much pain stored inside. She felt like she was leaping out of her skin.

"Stop it." Alison grabbed her forearm, trying to prevent her from breaking her knuckles.

But Emily was stronger than she was. And she was able to wrench her hand free, jostling Alison off of her.

"Fuck!" Emily growled. Her hits were leaving coats of blood against the drywall.

"You're hurting yourself."

"I deserve it!" Emily cried. "I deserve worse!" She felt her heated anger turning into the sorrow she'd been fighting so hard to contain. "It was my fault…" Emily should have been there to protect Charles. She should have been there to protect Ethan. She should have been there to protect Ellie. "I…they should have come home. Not me." They should all be alive. "It's not fair."

She crumbled to her knees and started crying. Her knuckles were dripping blood all over the floor. Lupo sniffed at the thick red substance and then looked up at Alison and let out a strange strangled bark.

Alison kneeled in front of the sobbing brunette, taking her tear-stained face in her hands. She forced Emily to look at her. She knew Emily would have a harder time ignoring her if she was looking at her.

"Look at me, Emily."

Emily did.

"You survived," Alison said. "You survived and they didn't. And that's not your fault."

Emily nodded, but she was too choked up to reply. All Alison could do was hold her as she wept. And Emily let her. She dug her fingers into Alison's shirt and buried her face in her chest.

Alison let her cry. She knew there was nothing else she could do.

After nearly half an hour Emily finally slumped into Alison's arms. She was still holding her tightly.

Alison carefully moved back. She swiped at the tears on Emily's large puffy cheeks and she motioned for her to stand up. Emily followed her without question. Her outburst had sobered her up.

Alison cleaned and then bandaged her bloodied knuckles. She brought her a fresh pair of pajamas and waited for her to get changed. Emily turned away from her when she pulled her shirt off, leaving her bare back exposed to the blonde. Alison could see the scars from where the knife had gone into her back and through her kidney. And she saw a plethora of other scars sprinkled around her body.

Her tattoos covered some of the blemishes. She had a black and white spiral pattern across her back, covering larger scars where her skin had been cut open. Alison had seen it all before, but every time she saw her scars it made her angry.

Once Emily had changed Alison led her to her bedroom. It didn't hit Emily that they were in her room until Alison led her over to her bed.

The bed looked terrifying and foreign to her, even though she'd been in it before. The alcohol was coming back on her in the worst way.

"Maybe I should stay in the guest room." Emily resisted.

"Not tonight. I don't want you alone down there."

Emily didn't argue. She climbed in the bed. Alison crawled next to her. Emily stared at the ceiling for a while…dumbfounded…in shock. She just felt numb. She didn't realize she was shaking. She didn't hear her teeth chattering. She was only semi-conscious.

Alison very carefully moved her hand until her fingertips were against Emily's fingers. When Emily didn't pull away she gently threaded them together.

"I'm here if you need me," Alison whispered.

Emily squeezed Alison's hand, just to make sure it was real…to make sure she was really there.

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. And she drifted off to sleep.

She never had dreamless sleeps. Some nights were worse than others. Her nightmares came in different levels. Some she could subconsciously handle. Others were like being ripped apart from the inside, trapped in a hell she couldn't escape from.

She could feel her heart thrumming. She could hear the sound of blood rushing through her ears. She couldn't breathe. She saw a pair of beady little eyes glaring down at her.

"Stop. Please…"

The room around her started spinning. And then those beady little eyes weren't looking at her anymore. They were honing in on Ellie as she played with her dolls. She'd accidentally spilled her juice and was trying to clean it up.

The little girl never saw him coming. But Emily did. She saw it all. And she was stuck, frozen, trapped. She tried to claw her way out. She screamed. She pleaded.

"Take me! Please take me instead!"

Words she'd once again scream overseas when Nicole was dragged out of their prison cell by the brutes that had captured them.

"Please take me!"

But it was no use. She was forced to listen to her baby sister's cries.

"I'm sorry, daddy. Daddy, what did I do wrong?"

"ETHAN!" Emily cried. "ETHAN, HELP!"

"Emmy!" Ellie sobbed.

"Ellie, baby, run! RUN!"

She saw a large shadow looming over her. And she saw the world around her fading. She heard the sound of gunfire on the battlefield. She saw Scout and her handler, dying together. She saw Wesley's brain matter scattering through the air like tiny particles of dust.

She felt Ethan's hand. She heard him telling her to run. Then she felt him being ripped away from her, just like they'd been ripped away from one another at home.

She laid out in the open, begging to die. She felt like she was drowning in her own blood. She stared into the rising sun and slowly closed her eyes.

Death would be a sweet release.

Emily shot up in bed, somehow managing not to wake the sleeping woman beside her. She was panting and her body was drenched in sweat. She felt like she was going to hurl.

Fucking whiskey.

She pulled the covers off of her legs and swung them against the edge of the bed. She quietly got out of bed and walked into the bathroom. The high of her alcohol was gone and all that was left was a crummy feeling in her body, like she'd been struck by a semi-truck. Her stomach was doing flips. Her liver was pissed.

She stumbled down against the floor, grasping at the toilet bowl so she wouldn't flounder against the ground. She made a retching sound and then puked into the bowl. The first batch of vomit was all liquor. The second had chunks of blood in it. And the third was brown and smelled and tasted like the bitter grasp of death.

Well, fuck you very much, too, liver.

When she was sure it was over she stood up. She pulled the toilet cover down over the seat and sat down, burying her face in her shivering hands. Her palms and her face were both dripping with sweat.

She breathed heavily into her hands as flashes of her worst moments replayed on a loop over and over in her head.

She heard a quiet tapping at the door and she jumped.

"Emily?" Alison was trying not to knock too loud. She didn't want to startle her. "Are you okay in there?"

Emily tried to get control of her breathing.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine." She stood up, wiping her tears away.

She pushed down on the handle, flushing the toilet. She glanced in the mirror to make sure she didn't have vomit all over herself. Her mouth felt dry and cottony and disgusting.

She ran some tap water and sipped on it. Then she grabbed a bottle of mouthwash by the sink and chugged some, swishing it around to get rid of the aftertaste. She double-checked herself in the mirror one final time before she walked over to the door.

When she opened it Alison was standing there in her nightgown. She had her arms wrapped around her upper body, and Emily couldn't tell if it was because she was worried or cold.

"I'm fine. I just had to go to the bathroom."

She stumbled into the room, nearly running into the blonde. She felt dizzy from the stress. She tripped over her feet.

She reached for the dresser to steady herself, but her hand missed it by a few inches. She banged her hip against it and then uttered out a frustrated "fuck".

She felt soft warm hands grasping her waist to hold her steady. She turned to face Alison.

Alison could see the bleak look in her eyes. This wasn't the alcohol anymore. She was completely messed up from something she'd seen in her mind.

"Hey…" Alison said softly, trying to keep the atmosphere calm. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." But Emily could feel the onslaught of her pain crashing into her. "I'm okay. Just drank too much."

"You are not okay." This was a look of terror Alison had never seen before. "How bad was it?"

"I…" Emily felt her chest tightening, a sob erupting from her throat. "Ali, I…" She couldn't breathe and she was starting to panic. And she hated herself. It wasn't fair for Alison to have to deal with this. "I'm sorry."

She felt useless. She was supposed to be the one taking care of Alison. She was supposed to be helping her through what Jason was going through.

"You have nothing to be sorry for."

Emily felt her cheeks flooding with tears. She pushed back against the wall and slid down until her ass hit the ground, automatically bringing her knees up to her chest. Alison leaned down in front of her, her fingers frantically wiping at the wetness on her cheeks.

"Talk to me. What's going on?"

Emily couldn't respond. All she could do was shake her head. Her chest felt like it was on fire. She closed her eyes and saw horrors she couldn't escape from. Her body felt like it was being crushed. It hurt to breathe. She was alone in the dark.

Then she heard Alison's voice,

"Emily, you're having a panic attack. But it's okay. You're with me. You're safe. You're okay."

Emily felt Alison's hands on her face.

What was it about her touch that was so soothing? Alison felt like a safe place, like a home she'd never had.

"Just take deep breaths." Alison continued to coach her through it.

Emily tried to listen to her, but her eyes were filled with dark specks, and she couldn't see clearly. She felt like she was dying. And she was okay with it. She was okay with giving in. Because she wasn't doing much living.

But then she felt Alison's palm against her cheek and there was a brief moment of light. She could see into her eyes. She could feel her passion. She saw Alison's mouth moving, but she couldn't hear her.

Emily reached up to touch Alison's face. Her skin was so warm. She was so soft.

Her eyes are so bright. Why are her eyes so bright?

They were leaning in so close to one another that their lips were just inches apart. This was exactly what their first kiss had been like. There had been such an air of tension and untamed energy. They had touched one another just like this.

And you fucked it up. Emily told herself. She gasped to catch her breath. She felt like her own body was betraying her.

Alison could see Emily was unfocused, and she knew there was one thing she could do to bring her back, to get her to feel like a normal person again.

She rubbed her thumb against Emily's jaw and she leaned forward, their lips brushing together. She felt Emily responding, moving in to her. Alison moved closer, giving Emily something to focus on.

Emily's lips tasted like a mixture of salt and mint. Her tears and mouthwash. Alison moved her mouth and she felt Emily's lips part as she exhaled a breath against her face.

Emily froze at first. Alison's lips were just like her, warm and smooth. And caring. So caring that it fucking hurt. Her fingers stiffened against Alison's face as she pushed back. She slowly pushed herself to her feet, their lips still connected. She felt the moisture returning to her mouth. Alison was like a savory piece of something delicious that made her entire body drip with desire. She dropped her hand to the nape of Alison's neck and pulled away, panting heavily.

Alison felt herself pulsing, her body begging to be touched. She stared into Emily's large doe eyes, which were practically black with a lust…a need. But when she looked at her she also saw a vulnerability, a softness she hadn't seen before.

"I…I um…" Alison blinked rapidly. Had she really just kissed her in the middle of a panic attack? Brilliant fucking timing. "I'm sorry. I wasn't sure what else to do. I hope I didn't…"

Emily cut her off with another kiss. She moved forward, pushing against Alison's body.

Alison grasped her side with one hand and ran the fingers of her other hand underneath her shirt and up over her chiseled abs.

Emily jumped, but didn't break the kiss. Alison started to pull her hand away, but Emily grabbed her forearm and pushed it back against her skin, encouraging her to continue. She moved them backwards.

The backs of Alison's knees hit the bed.

"Is this okay?" Emily broke their kiss long enough to utter the words.

"Only if you want to." Alison pecked her lips. She reached up and cupped her cheek. "I want you to be sure."

"I am." Emily replied without hesitation.

She put her hands underneath Alison's gown and traced the curves of her thighs. When she reached her hips Emily realized Alison wasn't wearing any panties.

Alison's eyes widened. She didn't want Emily to think she'd been expecting this. It had been the furthest thing from her mind. She nervously pulled back and looked at Emily.

"I…uh…sometimes when I get hot I don't wear any…this…I wasn't planning…"

Emily smirked at her. It was the first confident motion Alison had seen in their encounter.

"You talk too much." Emily slid her fingers in between Alison's thighs.

Alison exhaled a shuddering breath as she felt Emily thumbing her clit, rubbing her wetness against it.

She toyed with her for a few seconds. She had Alison bucking into her hand within minutes. She pulled her hand away and started to lift Alison's gown over her head. She wanted to see all of her, to have all of her. She wanted her tits. She wanted her ass. She wanted everything.

She threw Alison's nightgown to the floor and pulled her own shirt off, leaving her in her sports bra. She wiggled out of her pants, revealing that she had on a pair of boxer-briefs underneath her sweats. Alison traced her tattoos, slowly, seductively. She saw a new story every time she looked at Emily.

Alison pressed a kiss against the scar on Emily's collar bone, and when she pulled back Emily held her neck with her palms on either side. Alison waited for her to slide her undergarments off, but instead Emily moved forward to kiss her once more. She nipped at Alison's bottom lip.

"Get on the bed." Emily instructed.

A warm tingling sensation shot through Alison's body. She crawled on to the bed, propping herself up on her elbows.

Emily put her hands against Alison's inner thighs and squeezed them. She could smell the arousal between Alison's legs. She was already soaked.

Emily kneeled in front of her, smirking. She could easily take her now. Alison was hot and slick and ready. Emily could see her muscles twitching. Emily pulled Alison's ass closer to the edge of the mattress and smiled seductively at her. She wanted to watch her. And she wanted Alison to see what she was doing.

Emily rolled her finger through Alison's wetness, taking her time as she felt her. She saw the blonde's mouth drop open. She could tell that no one had ever made her feel so good…so loved. Emily added a second finger, teasing, barely dipping her fingertips inside of her as she continued to stroke her.

The anticipation was killing Alison. She gripped the bedsheets as her entire body pulsed, waiting for her release. Emily saw her cheeks flushing with color. She grinned as she leaned forward, keeping her eyes locked on Alison's as she pulled her thighs apart and slid her tongue against her core.

Alison threw her head back and moaned. Unlike when they were in the office, she didn't hold anything back. She didn't have to. She dug her other hand into the sheets and twisted the fabric in between her fingers as Emily worked her with her tongue. Her mouth was so fucking skilled. And the fact that Emily was staring at her, watching her as she writhed…it made it so much hotter.

She was so entranced by Emily's motions that she couldn't speak. The only noises she could make were cries of pleasure.

Emily delved deeper. Alison tasted even better than she remembered. Alison's jaw dropped. She started panting, groaning in pleasure. Her thighs tightened against Emily's cheeks.

She tried so hard to keep eye contact with Emily, but when her orgasm hit her she couldn't. She tilted her head back and gripped the blankets as she came, loudly. Emily watched it all unfold, and she greedily lapped up the juices spilling out of her.

Alison shuddered. She felt hot and cold at the same time. She felt in control and out of control. She was in lust. She was in love. She was both. She was all of it. Emily had a magical way about her.

When she came down from her high she realized that Emily had moved from in between her legs. The brunette straddled her. She gripped the back of Alison's neck and held her as she trembled.

Emily lightly kissed her lips, and Alison could taste herself. She'd never been able to taste herself before. Not like this. She liked it. She pulled Emily closer for more. Emily broke their kiss and smiled at her. She pushed her forehead against Alison's and looked at her.

Is she real? Is this real? Emily stared at her in wonderment.

Alison smiled back and touched her cheek.

"I'm here, Em," she said quietly.

Emily nodded. She kept her hand against Alison's cheek, savoring it, savoring her. She pushed her lips against Alison's again and moved further against the bed, pushing Alison to lie down. Alison didn't resist. She pulled Emily down on top of her.

Seconds later she felt Emily's tongue circling her right nipple. She'd learned from their first encounter that Emily was a boob girl. She hadn't left an inch of her chest untouched.

Emily kissed and caressed. She pinched and sucked. She did things that made Alison feel like she was going to float into oblivion. And just when Alison thought she was ready to come again, she felt Emily move on top of her.

Emily's pelvis rubbed against where Alison was still sensitive. Alison let out a quiet mewl of satisfaction. The material of her briefs was soft and slid against her effortlessly. And she could feel Emily's wetness soaking her core. It was both erotic and shy, and exciting and quiet. It was an oxymoron, just like the brunette.

She was at Emily's mercy.

Emily placed her hand between Alison's legs and started rubbing her again. Alison nearly lost her mind. Her nerve endings felt like they were on fire. Emily stopped, which garnered Alison's attention.

"What's wrong?" Alison asked.

"Can I?" Emily whispered, gently pushing her fingers against Alison's entrance.

Emily couldn't help but think about the last time they'd done this. She'd hurt her. She hadn't meant to, but she had. She remembered the look on her face. It still bothered her.

"Please." Alison pressed her lips against Emily's shoulder. Her lips brushed a scar near her clavicle, and Alison found herself angry at whatever had hurt her.

"Are you sure, Ali?" Her breath came out hot and heavy against Alison's face.

Alison wasn't sure about anything.

Except for Emily.

She reached up to cup Emily's cheek with her right hand.

"I want this. I want you." Only you.

The second she said it she felt Emily push her fingers forward and curl them gently. Her body arched up into Emily's immediately. She almost laughed at how quickly she felt her peak building.

Fuck. I'm one of those sad thirsty bitches…

She felt Emily's lips against hers and she kissed her back with as much fervor as she could muster.

Emily was good…so good that Alison could barely react with anything other than cries and moans. She dug her fingernails into Emily's back as Emily rode against her, her fingers moving in, curling, and moving back out. She'd tease Alison's clit briefly before re-entering each time.

Unlike their first time, Emily took her time. She was gentle and thoughtful. And she looked at her. She never broke eye contact. It felt like an entirely new experience. Every time Emily pushed forward she kissed her, nibbled her lip, uttered out beautiful she was.

No one had ever been able to make Alison orgasm multiple times, but Emily managed it, barely breaking a sweat. She knew what she was doing. She knew exactly where to touch her. It's like Alison's body was a canvas and Emily was a practiced painter dedicated to each stroke of her paintbrush.

She groaned every time she felt Emily move in her. She could barely catch her breath, and she didn't have the mental capacity to tell Emily how fucking good she was, so she just showed her in her actions…in her cries.

She bit down on Emily's shoulder and grunted against her skin, the vibration nearly driving Emily insane. Alison pulled back and placed a kiss against the mark she'd left.

She felt Emily's body, heavy against hers. And she felt the heat between their hot sweaty skin, sticking together in the best way. The way Emily was touching her, Alison was certain she was heading for the most intense orgasm of her life.

She could feel Emily's heat and wetness underneath her briefs, but she wanted more. She had to feel more. She gripped Emily's ass cheeks, pulling her closer, pushing Emily's fingers deeper, which nearly caused her to lose consciousness.

Alison slid one hand against her hip. She reached into the front of Emily's underwear to try and touch her, but Emily broke their kiss and roughly grabbed her hand.

Emily jerked Alison's arm up, her long agile fingers squeezing her wrist tightly. She pulled her other hand out from between Alison's legs and grabbed her other wrist, leaving Alison empty and craving her now more than ever. Emily pinned her down. Alison peered at her curiously.

"Don't move." Emily ordered with a husky voice. It almost sounded like she was shaking. "Or I'll stop."

There wasn't a hint of lust or seduction in the movement. It seemed purely defensive. The control had shifted, and Alison couldn't figure out why. It bothered her that Emily wouldn't let her touch her.

Emily gently released her wrists, leaving them next to Alison's face. Her eyes flickered to Alison's lips. She moved back down and their mouths naturally fell together in a rhythm again. Emily played with Alison's engorged clit.

"I need you in me, Em. I need to feel you," she begged. "Fuck me. Please."

Emily grinned into their kiss and slammed into her again. Her gentleness was giving way to something more primal. Something their bodies were both craving. She started thrusting roughly. Alison's vision burst into a wall of bright white stars. Emily was hitting something inside of her that was turning her into a burning hot mess.

"Harder." Alison grunted.

The brunette used her hips to generate more friction and Alison felt a world of difference. She was falling over the edge.

Her body was hot and tight and wet…everything Emily made her. Her stomach was burning. Her thighs were shaking. Her insides were pulsating and beating like the rhythm of her erratic heart. And she felt it hit her. She felt a paralyzing wave of pleasure and she was sinking, drifting below the warm surface. Her entire body felt like it was on fire.

"Come." Emily whispered in her ear as she curled her fingers and held them in place. "Come for me, Alison."

Alison would have done anything Emily asked her to do. And Emily knew it. Emily watched Alison's face tighten in ecstasy. She saw her blue eyes darken as her pupils dilated. She felt her body seize and then shake uncontrollably. A hot liquid seeped through Emily's fingers and down Alison's legs. And through it all, Emily held her. She watched her. She gently brought her down from it.

Their chests were heaving. Their breathing was ragged. And their bodies were wet and intertwined. Emily used her index finger to comb Alison's sweaty hair away from her face. She rolled to the side and pulled Alison against her body and held her.

Alison couldn't think. She couldn't speak. Instead she looked at the traces of ink on Emily's body. She wanted to know all about the tattoos, but every time she asked Emily just uttered that she was drunk every single time she went to the parlor.

Even so, they still told a story. The patterns and designs were woven together in a piece of art that was simply Emily. It was her life aesthetic.

Alison stared at her scars, scars that she went to a lot of trouble to try and hide. But she was slowly starting to show them…to open up to her.

When Alison was finally able to breathe again she pressed a kiss against Emily's shoulder and smiled up at her. Every time Emily saw that smile she fucking melted.

"This is still my favorite kind of therapy." Emily smirked.

"We really have to stop meeting like this."

Alison felt Emily's body jostle when she chuckled.

"Meetings like this are my favorite." Emily kissed the top of her head.

It was more meaningful…it felt more intimate than the first time they'd had sex. That had been hurried and frenzied and the heat of the moment. This had been kinder. Gentler. It had a quiet passion.

Alison felt Emily stroking her arm, drawing invisible lines with her fingertips. It relaxed her. Before too long, she was asleep in the brunette's warm comforting embrace.

Emily felt her breathing softly against her chest. She looked down at the blonde in her arms, her nude body nestled against her like they were meant to be molded together.

She saw Alison's eyes flickering. She watched as her lips twitched, curling into a smile as she nestled closer to Emily unconsciously.

Emily looked at her, really looked at her, memorizing her features, taking note of her curves. And she realized something.

Shit. I love her.

She was dying. And she loved her.

A/N: *cue "Can't Help Falling in Love (With You)", but add in a lot more angst*

Be nice about the "love 'n' bedroom" stuff. You all usually are. When it comes to being mean to me, it's usually me berating myself.

Also, fuck bigots who prey on people who are more fabulous than they could ever be. It's unfortunate that we live in a society where people are attacked for what they look like and who they love.