A/N: Emily's past will be explored in depth very soon (appreciate the patience). The scene with her dad dying was hard enough, but the rest of her story is a very bitter pill to swallow. I just wanted to forewarn you. We're not there yet. But it's going to come out of left field in the most painful way.
Also, "Stay Golden Ponyboy" may be one of my favorite reviews ever. I wish I could reply to guest reviews to say thanks. That really made my day.
General PSA About Guest Reviews: I've had a lot of trouble with the guest reviews not showing up lately. I think it's just a glitch. They're set to automatically go through after a certain period of time. I'll get alerts about them, but when I log on they're not in the que and they're not in the reviews section. It doesn't happen often, but Fanfic is eating some of them apparently. I've reached out to FF about it, but not heard back. Keep reviewing my good people. I still see them, and much like "Ponyboy" they make me smile.
Chapter 11:
Unsteady
Alison awoke at 5:30 that morning to Emily thrashing wildly in her sleep. Emily rolled to her side and screamed as she sharply brought her knee up, catching Alison in the stomach and chest.
It nearly knocked the wind out of her.
Alison rolled over to try and give her a wide berth. She sat up and clutched her stomach, trying to catch her breath. She had forgotten how much it hurt to get hit that hard. She could feel every muscle and nerve ending, especially in her boobs.
"ETHAN! HELP!" Emily screamed, her neck snapping back violently. She choked on her words.
Alison felt the bed sway and she looked down and saw Lupo standing at the foot of the bed where the comforter was bunched up.
Alison ordered him to stay and he immediately stopped. She could only imagine what having a large dog hovering over her would do for Emily's mental state.
"Run!" Emily continued to writhe uncontrollably.
Alison saw her breathing pattern change. It was like something was hurting her. Something was killing her. Her cheeks were starting to turn red.
"Emily?" Alison asked in alarm. She gently stroked Emily's sweaty cheek. "Hey, it's just a dream…"
Alison tried to steady her, but when she reached out, Emily's hand flew up towards her face and struck her in the nose.
She felt a burning pain and then a wetness coating her fingers. The bandages on Emily's knuckles did nothing to lessen the blow. The power behind her punches was astounding. Alison held her palm underneath her nose to try and stop the blood from going everywhere. She felt several warm droplets land against her bare chest. She felt the hot coppery tasting substance draining down her throat.
Emily was still swinging wildly. Her back was stiff and she looked like she was trying to fight someone, like her life was at stake. And she looked like she was in terrible pain. Sweat was dripping down her face.
"Please…" Emily begged in her sleep. "Please…take me. Please take me."
"Emily," Alison said, careful to avoid her punches. She saw the brunette's jaw tighten, but Emily slowed in her fight stance. "I want you to listen to the sound of my voice. Whatever nightmare you're having, it is going to end. I'm here. Just know that I'm here."
Emily was shaking so violently that the bed was vibrating underneath her.
Alison stared at her in concern. She looked pale. Her lips looked white. Her skin was starting to tinge blue. She was holding her breath.
"For God's sake, breathe." Alison begged.
Emily didn't respond. Alison started to panic, because…shit…her chest wasn't moving and she was going limp. Was she having a heart attack?
"Fuck."
Alison's self-preservation instincts flew out the window. She leaned over her and pressed her fingers against Emily's neck, checking for her pulse. It was erratic. If she wasn't having a heart attack, she was well on her way to having one.
"Emily." She gripped the brunette's cheeks. "Goddammit…fucking breathe." She aggressively moved her face to try and stimulate a breath.
Emily inhaled a heavy breath. She struggled to regulate her breathing pattern, but at least she was breathing. She wheezed and coughed and made noises that sounded like she was suffocating.
Emily wildly snapped left and then right and then she rolled. Alison tried to grab her, but it was too late. Emily flipped off the edge of the bed, smashing her head against the edge of the nightstand.
It didn't wake her.
Alison crawled over to the side, bumping into her dog. He'd put himself between Alison and Emily. She shoved past him, leaving him on the bed as she scrambled over to grab her robe and get to Emily's side.
Emily was whipping around on the floor. There was blood pooling around her lip. The brunette had bitten it in her sleep.
Alison kneeled next to her. She tried to cradle her head. When Emily jerked to the side Alison pulled her fingers back and saw more fresh blood on them. She saw a gash on the side of Emily's head oozing blood into her hair.
Fuck, Em, you're going to kill yourself at this rate…
"Hey, it's just a nightmare." Alison tried to draw her out of it.
She kept one hand underneath her nose to try and stifle the blood flow and put her other firmly on Emily's cheek.
She wanted more than anything to just shake her out of it, but she knew that trying to wake someone in the middle of a night terror often did more harm than good.
Emily was trapped in her mind. She couldn't get away. And she couldn't get her brother and sister away. All she could see was his menacing eyes glaring down at her.
Emily felt a painful jolt in her head and she shot up off of the ground, nearly hitting Alison in the face again.
Her chest was heaving. She clawed at her throat like something was around her neck. When she pulled her hands away they were violently shaking.
"Take it easy."
When Emily looked at Alison the first thing she noticed wasn't her partially exposed breasts or her completely nude body peeking out from under her robe. It was the blood on her hands.
At first she thought she was still trapped in her nightmare. She thought Alison was being pulled into the world she fought so hard to keep her out of.
"You're okay." Alison glanced up at the bed. "You were thrashing so much that you fell out of bed."
Emily stared at the blood underneath Alison's nose. She didn't even feel the cut on her own head or the swelling on her lip.
"You're hurt." Emily looked at her sympathetically. It slowly started to come together for her. "Oh my God, did I…"
"It's fine." Alison helped her up. She flipped the light on, which burned both of their eyes.
"Alison, I'm so sorry." Emily reached up with her thumb to wipe away some of the blood.
When she saw the thick red substance against her finger she froze. She was suddenly soaked in her brother's blood. In her sister's blood. In his blood.
"It's really not that bad. I promise. I…"
But Emily didn't hear what she was saying.
Look what you did.
"I told you I shouldn't be here." Emily blinked. "Fuck." She rubbed her hand over her sweat-covered face and into her hair. Her fingers hit the gash on her head. She felt the stinging sensation for the first time. But she didn't care about herself. Only one thing mattered to her. "I could have killed you…" She groaned in frustration. "I told you I was dangerous…"
The look on Emily's face was the same look that Alison had seen dozens of times when she talked about her childhood. Emily's past didn't just haunt her. It terrorized the shit out of her.
"You're not dangerous." She was wounded, but Alison had witnessed more than enough to prove that she wasn't dangerous.
But Emily knew the truth. She knew that no one was safe while she was around. She had a track record.
You get people killed.
"I should go." Emily pushed herself up, her entire body still trembling. She could feel the sweat rolling down her back and into her underwear.
She felt Alison grab her arm and she instinctively jerked away and spun around defensively. Alison held her hands up in submission, but she didn't back down.
"You're not going anywhere while you're like this." Alison argued. She didn't want her out roaming the town with her head full of whatever she'd seen in her nightmares.
"Then I'll sleep on the couch."
"It was just an accident…"
"Stop." Emily uttered. "Stop making excuses for me." She cupped Alison's cheek, her long fingers tilting her face so she could get a better look at the damage. "We should get some ice on this."
She pulled her hand away and turned towards the door.
"God, would you slow down?" Alison walked after her. "You've had a hell of a night and…"
"I can't slow down, Ali." Emily turned back to face her. "These dreams…they…" She clenched her fists, "…I need to do something to keep myself occupied, okay? Because if I don't I'm going to jump out your fucking window." She couldn't stand to see the blood on Alison's face. She felt terrible. "Why don't you go clean up? I'll bring you an icepack and some water so you can take something so it doesn't swell."
"It's just a little nosebleed. I've had them before." Alison shrugged it off. "I grew up with an older brother. I've been hit in the face with baseballs and a soccer balls."
There was an inkling of a smile on Emily's face, because she remembered how it was with Ethan. One day she hadn't been paying attention and he'd clocked her with a basketball.
"Still…" Emily grabbed her hand.
Jesus, she's still shaking. Alison looked down at Emily's trembling hands.
She cupped Emily's hand with her other hand, sandwiching Emily's fingers in between her warm palms. Some of Emily's tension faded. She looked at Alison.
"It would make me feel better if you got cleaned up." Emily knew that would work on her. Because Alison was all about feelings and shit. And she cared about Emily's feelings.
Alison would never say it out loud, but she was afraid of letting Emily go into the kitchen alone. She was afraid she would take a knife and slit her wrists.
Emily could see the worry written all over her face.
"I'll be right back. I promise."
Alison nodded and let go of Emily's hand. She went into the bathroom to get cleaned up. Lupo trailed behind her.
Emily watched them go. She silently wished that the dog would have ripped into her arm, bitten her, scratched her…done anything to stop her fist from making contact with Alison's face. She never wanted to hurt her. Accident or not, Alison was still hurt.
Alison washed her face and then took a washcloth to her chest to wipe away the blood that had trickled on to her body. She dabbed at the droplets of blood on her robe.
She looked at the small cut against the bridge of her nose and the crusted blood in her nostrils. It wasn't so bad. Jason had accidentally elbowed her in a wrestling match when they were younger. She'd had much worse injuries then.
She sighed. Jason had gotten in so much trouble for that. His father had practically beaten his ass raw even though they'd both told him it was an accident.
Alison grabbed an ibuprofen and walked back into her bedroom. Emily came back with a cloth and an ice pack. She had a glass of water in her hands. Alison knocked back the pain killer and drank the water.
She settled back into bed, waiting for Emily to follow, but Emily just stood there in her undergarments and stared at the floor. The look in her eyes was akin to that of a puppy who had done something and was getting scolded.
She finally gathered the courage to look at Alison. Alison had opened her home…her heart and she was becoming bruised and battered because of her.
Emily wrapped the icepack in the cloth and passed it off to Alison. She was afraid to get too close to her, afraid she'd hurt her again. Alison reached out and took her hand to let her know it was okay.
"If you need anything let me know." Emily squeezed her hand and looked at the floor. "I'm really sor…"
"It wasn't your fault. You can't control them." Alison interrupted her.
"I should have known better. I know how I get when my dreams get violent. My brother used to have to hold me down so I wouldn't hurt myself."
"Are the dreams about the firefights over there?" Alison guessed. Emily shook her head. "Are they…is it your dad? The shooting…"
"Worse."
Alison's eyes widened in concern. What was worse than seeing a parent gunned down when you were six? Alison had killed her own parents and she was still traumatized by it, though mostly because her brother was taking the rap for it.
"I'm going to get some air." Emily pulled back.
She felt suffocated. Not by Alison. By her own nature. Her mind was like a prison, a cage that she couldn't get out of. She loved this girl. She'd hurt this girl. She was going to keep hurting her.
Alison nodded in understanding. She gave Emily a little bit of time, though she did watch to make sure Emily didn't go anywhere.
She heard her go out on to the porch. Alison peeked out her window to make sure she was okay. She knew it was obsessive. She knew her codependency was a problem. But she didn't care. She felt like Emily was a part of her. And she was. Because Emily had her heart.
Once Emily came back inside Alison crept away from the window. She mentally counted to one hundred before she walked out of her room. She went into the living room, unable to face the idea of leaving her alone. Emily was sitting on the couch. She still looked dazed.
"Hey." Alison pulled the tie on her robe around her waist.
"You really are a pain in my ass." Emily couldn't help but smile when she saw her.
"Maybe you're a hit it and quit it kind of girl, but I'm not. I should have warned you…" She took a seat next to her. "I'm a cuddler. I like to snuggle."
Emily laughed.
"For the record, the hitting wasn't supposed to happen quite like it did."
"Mmm." Alison reached up and touched the cut on Emily's head. Emily winced. "We should have had a safe word."
Emily chuckled again, this time a little louder.
"How is your head?" Alison carefully touched the cut again, which had stopped bleeding.
"Fucked up." Emily shrugged. She looked at the blonde out of the corner of her eyes and smiled. "Oh, you meant the gash."
"Well, your sardonic humor is still intact."
"I told you. It's…"
"An acquired taste." Alison smiled. "I know."
"Does your nose hurt?" Emily glanced at the bruise forming around the cut on her nose.
"No. In fact, I should pay you."
"For beating you?"
"For giving me the nose job I always wanted."
Emily hated that she laughed. She hated that Alison made her feel joy. She hated feeling anything. Because feeling was so fucking hard.
"You're making it incredibly hard for me to sulk. You know that?" Emily asked.
"That was kind of my plan." She reached for Emily's hand.
Emily had pulled her bandages off. Alison could see the cracks and bruises covering her knuckles from where she'd been hitting the wall.
"You might have broken something." Alison stared at her hand.
"Did I really hit you that hard?"
"No, I'm talking about your cage match with my wall." Alison frowned. "The little bump on my face was nothing compared to the punches you were throwing at my house. The kick to the tits hurt far worse." Alison cupped her right breast. She could still feel where Emily's knee had nailed her.
"I kicked you in the tits?" Emily's eyes widened. That made her feel ten times worse.
"Kiss it and make it better." Alison replied suggestively.
She made Emily smile again. Emily wasn't one to tell Alison DiLaurentis no, so she leaned down to her exposed cleavage and pressed her lips delicately against her smooth silky skin. She let her lips linger for a few seconds.
"Better?" Emily looked up at her.
"Lower." Alison winked.
She felt Emily laugh against her skin, her hot breath tickling her senses. Emily kissed her cleavage again and then moved up so they were face to face. Alison couldn't help herself when they were so close. She touched Emily's cheek and leaned in to peck her lips.
When the kiss deepened the cut on Emily's lip started to sting. Alison felt her flinch and she pulled back. She ran her index finger over the swelling.
"Still sore?" Alison asked.
"A little."
"I think that was the worst nightmare you've had by far." Alison bit her lip. "Do you think…was it us? Was it too much too soon for us?"
"Of course not." Emily assured her with a smile, gripping the blonde's hand. "I've wanted you again since the day I walked out of that ER with your number. You're not my nightmare, Alison. You're my dream."
"Wish I could have been the latter tonight, because that nightmare scared the shit out of me."
"It was probably the whiskey. It was stupid for me to pound whiskey like that." And not only because of her liver. "My body didn't know what to do with it." Truly. It had probably thought, "What the fuck is this shit? This isn't bourbon. Enjoy the pukefest…"
"Does alcohol make the nightmares worse?"
"I'm not falling for any of your psychology quizzes."
"It was an honest question." Alison sounded concerned. "I've just never seen it that bad."
"How long have you been talking me down from them?"
"Since your first night here."
Emily bit the inside of her lip. She was disrupting her life. She was a burden.
"How often?"
"You have them a few times a week."
"Do I…" Emily's eyes flickered to her feet and then back to Alison, "…have I ever said anything?"
"Broken bits and pieces. You cry more than you talk. I don't know if what I do helps. But I can't just leave you. Sometimes I talk to you. Sometimes I sing." She smiled weakly at Emily. She hated seeing her night terrors, because she couldn't stand seeing her in pain. "I don't know if you can hear me or not…"
"I think I might." Emily admitted. "Sometimes when I'm in them and I feel like I'm going to die there is this little shred of light…kind of like a beacon. I look at it and feel like there might be an end."
"Didn't feel that way tonight." Alison grimaced. "You were holding your breath."
"I do that when they're really bad sometimes."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"Not much to talk about. I don't really remember much."
Alison knew it was a lie. She could hear it in her voice…the way it trembled just the slightest bit…the way she bounced her knee nervously and turned away. Emily had already admitted that whatever she'd seen in this nightmare was worse than her father and brother being killed in front of her.
Alison's phone vibrated from inside the pocket on her robe. She always tried to keep it close in case someone needed her help. She pulled her phone out and looked at the message from Mona, who had gone by the hospital with Hanna.
"Hanna and I couldn't sleep. She pulled a blonde joke move and brewed us caffeinated instead of decaf at four this morning. She's been driving me crazy with her constant pacing, so we came to see Charles…"
"Charles is awake." Alison read the rest of Mona's message out loud. "The doctors say he's going to have a long road to recovery, but he's going to be okay."
"Does he remember anything about what happened to him? About who did this?" Emily asked curiously. She still felt a murderous rage. Someone was going to pay.
"We're not going to go down that road again." It almost destroyed you. "Let the police do their job."
Emily looked down at the ground. She nervously picked at her fingers.
"Ali, I saw him," she said with a sigh. "Before it happened. Like right before it happened."
"What? Where?"
"I was…"
She didn't want Alison to know she'd been staking people out. She didn't want her to know about him. She didn't want her involved, especially now. Emily couldn't stop wondering if she really had seen him in the club. If he'd been after her this whole time and he'd seen her talking to Charles…
She shook her head. She was paranoid.
"I was out jogging." Emily lied. "He was on his way to the therapy session. He wanted me to come with him, but I told him I'd catch up with him later. I let him go off…alone." She shuddered. "If I had gone with him…"
"Don't you fucking dare." Alison cut her off. "Don't you dare blame yourself."
Suddenly, Emily's outburst last night made sense. Her drinking made sense. She'd spent so much of her time blaming herself for things that weren't her fault – her brother's death, the loss of her squad, her dad in that restaurant, her little sister…
Of course she felt responsible for Charles. Alison was surprised she hadn't connected the dots at the hospital. The way Emily had showed up all red faced and looking haunted. Being unable to protect him was triggering for her.
Now it was Alison's turn to feel guilty…for not seeing it then.
She delicately reached out to touch Emily's cheek, pausing to give her time to pull away if she wanted to.
"Emily…" She carefully put her fingers against Emily's face, forcing her to face her. "Tell me you understand that this isn't your fault."
When Emily didn't respond Alison dropped her hand and sighed. Sometimes Emily's pain overwhelmed her. She wasn't sure how Emily dealt with it.
"You remember back in the club…what you said about control? How there are things we can't control?" Alison asked. "This happened. It's terrible and unfair. And it's awful. But you didn't cause this."
Emily heard her. She didn't acknowledge that she heard her, but she did. Alison knew that no matter what she said Emily would still blame herself.
"I want you to promise me that you won't go vigilante on this. You've got enough to worry about. I don't want you knocking heads together in a bar again."
"Those fuckers deserved it." Emily growled under her breath. It still pissed her off that those assholes had gotten frisky with Alison.
She was still holding a grudge against those pool players. And the stupid fucking bouncers. She had no idea that one of the bouncers had sold her out. She had no idea that the day she went back for her gun she set certain events in motion, and she had indirectly been in the wrong place at the wrong time…with Charles. She didn't know that what had happened to Charles had been a warning…a message.
"You're not a goddamn caped crusader," Alison said in irritation.
"You're fucking right I'm not. I'm better than one of those dinky little masked superheroes. I'm the US military."
"That doesn't mean you have to fight every battle on this soil. I mean, Jesus, you beat the shit out of yourself in your sleep."
She saw Emily run her tongue over the swollen split in her lip.
"Did you stop to take care of yourself or were you too busy fawning over me?" Alison moved her hand up towards Emily's face, tracing her finger across Emily's lip.
"I've had worse." Emily glanced at Alison's injured face. "I just hope I didn't break your nose."
"It's fine. I barely even feel it." Alison assured her.
Emily moved her thumb underneath Alison's eye and against the base of her nose.
"You have that lunch with your friends today." Emily looked at the clock. The sun would be coming up soon.
"So?"
"They already hate me."
"They don't hate you…" At least, Aria didn't. Spencer didn't really hate her either. She was just worried about Alison taking on too much.
"They will when they see this."
"I'll tell them I ran into a door."
"Really, Ali? That literally screams 'I'm being abused'."
"It doesn't fucking matter, Emily." Alison grumbled in frustration.
"It does to me."
"Why don't you come with me?"
Emily looked at her like she was insane.
Why?
"Don't look at me like that." Alison rolled her eyes.
Get out of my head. But Emily knew that Alison had latched on to her and wasn't letting go any time soon.
"You just want to keep an eye on me."
"Why is it so hard to believe that I actually want to spend time with you?"
"Because I'm a miserable bitch." Emily laughed.
"You're going." Alison glowered at her.
When Emily saw the shift in Alison's gaze she found herself oddly turned on. And it made her actually want to spend time with her. What was this power she had over her?
"Fine," Emily muttered. "But don't expect me to do that hoity toity bullshit with tea and crumpets."
"Who do you think I am? Little Miss Downtown Abbey?" Alison laughed. "But you will need to wear something formal." She grinned, waiting on Emily to tell her to go to hell. Emily glared at her. "Kidding."
"What about all of this?" Emily motioned to their injuries.
Alison shrugged.
"They'll just think we fucked the shit out of each other."
"You've been bragging about me to your friends like that?"
"The way you made me scream…the entire town knows." Alison teased her.
Emily smiled. She felt some of her tension fading away. Alison reached out and touched Emily's knee. Emily relished in her touch. She could feel such a sensuality in her touch. The high she got from feeling it was better than sex.
Seconds later, Alison laid her head against Emily's shoulder. Emily hesitantly brought her arm up, trying to decide whether or not to pull the blonde fully into her embrace.
It didn't take her long to make up her mind. She wrapped her arm around Alison. The two of them fell asleep on the couch.
Emily woke up first. The sun was coming up, casting the sky in red and orange hues. The melted colors were bouncing off of the windows and creating a luminous reflection around the house.
Emily looked at Alison, who was still asleep. Then she looked down at her feet and saw Lupo snoring next to the couch. And she knew this is how she wanted it to be. But she also knew that was impossible.
She tried to just be in the moment. She tried not to think about the cut on Alison's nose or the sleep that Alison had lost because of her. She tried not to think about the fact that she was living on borrowed time and that her health could turn at any minute.
She tried not to think about her childhood, about her siblings, about her life. She tried not to think about the gunfire and explosives…the blood and the gore. She tried to focus on Alison. And only Alison. And when Alison woke up and looked up at her and smiled, Emily smiled back.
Fuck this girl and her beautiful eyes and her sweet smile and her never-ending faith in me.
Alison sat up and looked outside.
"The sunrise is beautiful." Alison climbed to her feet, her robe swaying back and forth as she sauntered towards the window.
"It is." But Emily wasn't looking at the horizon. She was looking at Alison.
Alison told Emily to get cleaned up and she went to make them breakfast. Emily quickly showered and changed and then went to help her in the kitchen.
They kept staring at one another and trading sultry looks to the point that Emily felt like picking her up and screwing her on the counter…on the table, everywhere. She wanted to fuck her in every room, on every piece of furniture, every day of the week. She wanted to lock the doors for seven days and seven nights and have a non-stop fuck-fest. She wanted to make her come over and over again. She wanted Alison to live in a constant state of orgasmic bliss for days at a time.
They managed to get through breakfast without jumping each other's bones, though everything Alison did turned Emily on. Even the way she stirred her coffee.
When they were done eating they went to go and see Charles. Hanna and Andrew were hanging out with him.
He was sitting up in bed swishing around the straw in the blended breakfast smoothie sitting in front of him. His face was battered and swollen and his jaw was partially wired closed. He could barely hold his eyes open, but when he saw Alison and Emily he smiled.
"You came." Charles smiled.
"Multiple times last night," Emily muttered under her breath, pinching Alison's side.
She felt Alison nudge her and they both laughed. Emily expected Hanna to call them out on it, but Hanna was so focused on Charles that she completely missed it.
"You should really try to eat something. If Mona comes back and sees that you haven't touched your breakfast she's going to hold you down and force that mushy blended mess down your throat."
"Let her try. I bite." Charles moved his wired mouth, drooling slightly.
"How are you feeling?" Emily asked.
"Pissed that they didn't give me the sparkly wires for my jaw." Charles bit through his teeth.
"You would have worn them fabulously." Hanna assured him. "I'll be sure to write a complaint to the medical facility about their lack of fierce designer wires."
"I'm glad you're here." Charles smiled at his friend.
Hanna smiled back and put her palm against his shoulder.
"You really don't remember anything?" Hanna sighed. She was as eager to kick someone's ass as Emily.
Charles closed his eyes like he was deep in thought, but Emily saw an inkling of pain on his face. And it pissed her off. The second the rage started to creep into her veins she felt Alison's hand against hers, wrapping her fingers around Emily's. It was a subtle motion that told Emily "I'm here. It's okay."
"Just his eyes. He had the meanest eyes."
Something about the way he said it made Emily shudder. Alison looked at her and mouthed 'you okay?' to which Emily just responded with a nod.
"Hateful people often do." Andrew glanced at the bandages on Charles's arms, where vile messages had been etched into his soft unblemished skin.
Emily agreed with Andrew. Anyone who could take a knife and carve slurs on to someone's body was an entirely different level of fucked up. And Emily knew fucked up.
Emily looked at the bandage on his left arm, which had shifted up just enough for her to see an f and an a. She didn't need to be a scholar to determine what the bigot had written there.
"I'll heal," Charles said so softly, so sweetly, that it was enough to spark a feeling of pain and empathy in Emily's heart. Because she cared about the kid.
"The doctors did their best to clean it. Some of the cuts needed stitches and they tried to stitch it together in a way so that it won't form letters. And we're already looking at tattoos to turn hate into art." Andrew put his hand against his boyfriend's hand.
The motion was one of the most compassionate things Emily had ever seen. She knew that Andrew and Charles hadn't been together for very long. Andrew could have easily bailed, but he'd stuck around. He reminded Emily of Alison in a way. She stayed even when things got tough.
"You want me to go get you a smoothie instead of this garbage?" Hanna motioned to the liquid breakfast on Charles's tray.
Charles nodded.
"There is a really good smoothie place right around the corner from here. I'll show you." Emily offered.
She had to get out of the hospital room. She was feeling antsy. Hanna followed Emily as they walked through the twisted hallways. Sometimes the building felt never-ending. Sometimes Emily felt like she was still trapped in that bed in the Psych ward.
"How are you holding up, Han?" Emily asked as they walked through the sliding glass doors. "I know you and Charles are close."
"Tired." Hanna admitted. "Pissed. Anxious. I want to murder who did it. You know, full spectrum of emotions." She sighed. "I'm just glad he's alive."
Emily didn't say what she was thinking:
Sometimes alive is worse than dead.
Instead she just put a comforting hand on Hanna's arm. Hanna smiled and looked at her friend, and for the first time she noticed the bruise on her head, though Emily had tried to cover it with her hair.
"What happened to you?" Her eyes widened. "Wait a second. I heard you stormed out of here yesterday. Did you go on a hunt to find who did this?" She gasped. "Did you find them? Did you kick their ass?"
"I wish."
"Well, that's a pity." Hanna frowned. "I was hoping you'd shived someone in the dick." She looked at the cut again. "So, what happened? Is Alison a little minx in the bedroom or something?"
Hanna wasn't entirely wrong. The scratches on Emily's back were proof of that. But Emily shook her head.
"I smacked my head in the dark."
"Let me guess. Alcohol was involved."
"Not the point, Hanna…"
"That's a yes."
Emily shrugged.
Sure. Let's go with that. It was better than telling Hanna she had nightmares like a fucking toddler. And it's not like she hadn't been drunk before it happened.
"You really need to be careful with that." Hanna frowned.
"I'll log that away in my flower print journal." Emily replied caustically.
"I'm serious, Em. I don't want anything to happen to you. I mean…what happened to Charles is bad enough. I can't go through this again. Seeing the people I care about crashing around me makes me feel so unsteady…" She bit her lip. "I don't want you to end up in a hospital bed, too."
"I'm more likely to put someone else in a hospital bed." Namely the person who had hurt Charles.
"I can't believe someone would do this." Hanna rubbed her forehead. "I mean, I can. I know there are people out there who hate us…" She grumbled under her breath. "My mom flipped out when I told her I swung both ways. She cried about how it would look to her friends. Called me indecisive and confused." She rolled her eyes. "My dad took it much better. He said as long as he got to walk me down the aisle he didn't care who was standing at the end of it, as long as they treated me right. He eventually got my mom on board. But the kids at school weren't so accepting. Some little shit wrote "neither sex wants you" on my locker. Assholes are everywhere."
"Fuck them." Emily frowned.
"Damn straight."
"Did Charles say anything else about what happened?" Emily questioned.
"He said whoever did it clocked him from behind. He woke up a few times during the beating, but his eyes were full of blood, so he couldn't see really well. The only thing he remembered was seeing a rusty switchblade and the hate in the man's eyes. He couldn't remember if anyone was with the guy or what he actually looked like. But he did say that the man told him he was going to make sure everyone knew exactly what his 'brand' was right before he started cutting him."
Emily twisted her fingers into her pants to try and keep from raging out. She gripped the fabric and squeezed so hard that she could feel her nails digging into her skin.
"And the man told Charles something about showing him what a real man was…"
Emily took a shaky breath. She'd heard those words more than once in her childhood…when she was helpless to do anything to protect her brother. Why was it that testosterone and power turned some men into such fucking dicks? What made them so fucking superior? Why couldn't they handle their goddamn feelings in a normal way? Why did they have to turn to violence and hate? It always fell back on killing, raping, and pillaging.
"Emily? You okay?" Hanna saw the change in her attitude.
"Fine."
But when she blinked she saw the terror of her past. She cleared her throat and tried to shake it off.
"Does Charles remember anything else?"
"Don't think so." Hanna stopped when they reached the door to the smoothie place.
"Does he remember running into me?"
"You two saw one another?" Hanna asked.
"He was walking to the group session. I had an errand I was running, so I told him I'd meet him there…"
Emily felt a wave of guilt again, but before she could start with the self-hate Hanna jumped in.
"I hope you're not blaming yourself for this."
"I just keep thinking…if I had just gone with him…"
"Oh, that's horseshit." Hanna rolled her eyes. "This isn't your fault any more than it is Andrew's fault for being asleep or mine for not going with him to town to get lunch." Hanna said as they walked inside the little smoothie shop. "Besides, it sounds like he was targeted, which means whoever did it was probably watching him and waiting until he was alone."
Emily hadn't thought about that. She'd just assumed that someone had seen Charles and his flamboyant nature and had jumped him because of that. But if someone had been watching him…
It gave Emily the chills. Because she couldn't get the night of the club out of her mind. She still saw that monster's face. She looked over her shoulder. Was someone watching them right now? Was Hanna next? What if she hadn't imagined that night? What if it hadn't just been the drugs? What if he really was out to get her…and her friends?
"I'm going to fucking kill you, you hear me?" It was the last thing he'd said to her before Ethan had pulled her out the door and forced her to run.
"You think Andrew wants something?" Hanna glanced at the menu. "I forgot to ask."
"Huh?" Emily hadn't been paying attention.
"He hasn't left Charles's side since he got to the hospital. He's a real trooper for sticking around," Hanna said. "I think I'm going to get him something, too."
"Get something for yourself, too." Emily replied.
"Relax, mom. I've been doing really well…eating regularly. I'm trying this whole new relationship with my food where I don't puke it up twenty minutes after I eat it." She put her hand against the counter and without looking away from the menu she added. "I shit it out like a normal person."
The little hipster teeny-bopper behind the counter looked horrified. Emily burst into a fit of laughter.
"Never change, Hanna."
Hanna smiled, a boastful smile of pride…because making Emily laugh was no small feat.
They ordered their smoothies and went back to the hospital. Alison could tell that Emily was jittery, so she told Charles they'd be back later to check on him.
They left to go meet Aria and Spencer for lunch. The girls had already been seated at a table. They were sitting across from one another and chatting. Emily looked nervous when she saw where they were sitting. Aria stood up when she saw them coming and moved next to Spencer.
"Sorry. It didn't even cross my mind that you'd want that chair." Aria smiled politely. "Of course you'd want that chair."
"How did you know?" Emily was curious.
"Jason didn't like to have his back to any open areas when he got back," Aria explained. "He liked to be able to see the entrances and exits."
"Smart guy." Noble guy. He was in jail for Alison's crimes. He'd made the ultimate sacrifice for his little sister. Emily respected that.
Emily moved Alison's chair out for her to sit down. Alison thanked her.
Emily noticed Spencer staring at the cut on Alison's nose. Alison had tried her best to cover it with concealer. It had helped with the bruising, but the cut was still visible. Spencer didn't say anything, but Emily knew she was thinking the worst.
"You can stop looking at me like I'm a leper, Spence." Alison coolly picked up her menu. "This is what happens when people clean glass too well and you are too busy on your phone to notice that the sliding glass door is not indeed…sliding open."
Emily was impressed with her cover story.
"Did you run into the same glass door?" Spencer glanced at Emily's lip.
"Bar fight." Emily shrugged.
Spencer seemed to actually believe her excuse. Emily wasn't sure whether to be relieved or insulted.
"I know what it looks like, but you're an ass for even considering it." Alison frowned disapprovingly at Spencer.
"Sorry. Lawyer brain. You know I can't turn it off."
"Would you like to see the security footage of me looking like an idiot who doesn't know how to operate a door, counselor?"
Damn, this girl can bluff. Emily glanced at her. So fucking hot.
Alison glared at Spencer with a look that told her if she didn't apologize that she was going to throw the bread basket at her head.
"Sorry, Emily. I wasn't trying to be presumptuous…"
Anyone who uses the word presumptuous is usually the very definition of that word…
"I get it." You hate me. "You're protective." She looked Spencer dead in the eye. "But I would never hurt her." Not intentionally.
"Of course not." Aria reached across the table to put her hand on top of Emily's.
Emily was surprised by the motion. Her initial instinct was to pull away. She felt her heart hammering in fear. Aria pulled back after a few seconds.
"Sorry. I get overly touchy sometimes. I spend a lot of my time with a toddler who has no boundaries."
Emily laughed. She remembered when Ellie had been a toddler. She'd never learned what personal space was. Sometimes the little girl would sneak out of her crib and find her way to her big sister and would climb all over her. She'd smack her in the face, poke her in the eye and shove her fingers up her nose. Emily would kill to have it back.
"Yeah, kids are like tiny little drunks running around with boxes on their heads and smearing peanut butter all over the wall." Emily smiled.
"That's the most accurate thing I've ever heard." Aria laughed. "My daughter tried to eat a full tube of diaper cream once. She looked like a DYI make-up tutorial gone wrong."
Everyone laughed. Emily liked Aria. She seemed really genuine. Spencer was a little bit tougher to judge. She knew that Spencer was decent at heart. She did a lot of pro-bono stuff with her law practice and she always answered Alison's call if she needed her. She was nothing if not loyal. She just had a tough exterior. But being with Aria seemed to soften her.
By the time the appetizers came all the weird tension had faded away.
Emily was still incredibly anxious, but she tried to hide it. She couldn't stop thinking about what had happened to Charles. And she was starting to worry that being out in public would shine a light on the fact that she was back…and with Alison. She was worried the wrong person would see them.
She did a fairly good job of hiding her nerves from Aria and Spencer, but Alison knew her better. She knew when something wasn't right. And she could tell that Emily was freaking out. Alison caught her glancing at the entrance at least a dozen times. She saw her bouncing her knee, trying to get rid of some of her nervous energy. She noticed that she wasn't touching the food in front of her.
Alison reached under the table and put her hand on Emily's knee. Emily gave her an appreciative look and put her hand on top of Alison's. And she felt herself calming down…
…until she heard something that almost made her choke on a mini quiche.
"Ellie was so excited…"
"What?" Emily almost dropped her fork. "Who?"
"Oh, that's my daughter." Aria smiled with pride. She pulled her phone out and pulled up a picture of her little girl. "She's learning her shapes and numbers…"
Emily stared at the baby. She had dark hair and big brown eyes and a wide toothy grin that reminded her so much of her sister that it hurt.
Her head started to pulsate in the strangest way. She thought she was passing out, but she stayed sitting upright. Her vision and hearing were fading in and out as Aria boasted about her little girl.
What were the odds that Alison's best friend would have a little girl with the same name as her sister? Then again, what were the odds that she would meet Alison on the night she was dying? Why did fate like to continuously kick her in the face?
She felt sweat building up on the back of her neck. She faked a smile as Aria talked about how she and her husband were taking Ellie on a trip to Disneyland next week. And Emily thought about how her Ellie would never get the chance to see big stupid cartoon characters being goofy or eat a funnel cake and ride rides until she puked.
She looked over her shoulder, her eyes landing on a dark corner of the restaurant. And she was paranoid about what she couldn't see. She felt a large ominous presence…everything that was wrong in her past. It was closing in on her, circling her like a predator in the wild.
Alison sensed that she was starting to panic so she made up a bullshit excuse about needing to bail early to get home and check on Lupo. She said something about how he'd been mopey last night. She left out the fact that he was mopey because of Emily's outburst.
As soon as they got in the car Alison turned on the air conditioning. She could see the sweat on Emily's brow. Emily swallowed the emotions she felt creeping up her throat and closed her eyes and let the air blow against her face for a few seconds.
"What's up? You look like you're about to hurl." Alison looked at her in concern.
"I think I ate something that didn't agree with me. I feel sick to my stomach." She left out the part that she felt ill because she was hearing her sister's cries in her head.
Alison didn't buy her excuse.
"You? With the cast iron stomach? The one who ate expired Vienna sausages last week that had probably been in your bag since 'Nam?"
"Vienna sausages never go bad. Everyone knows that."
"Tell that to the people who have died from botulism."
"Would you just drive, please?" Emily asked.
Alison quizzed her on her symptoms. Emily just muttered half-truth responses the whole way home. Alison feared it was her liver, but Emily told Alison that she wasn't in any pain.
At least, not any physical pain.
When they got to the house Emily stumbled out of the car. She dry heaved, but nothing came up. Alison ran around to the side of the car to help her to her feet. Emily's face was bright red. Her eyes were bloodshot. And her skin was gleaming with sweat. Alison felt her forehead. She was burning up.
"Em, I know you don't want to hear this, but I really think it could be your liver. We should go get your bloodwork checked…"
"It's not my fucking liver." Emily jerked away from her.
"Then what's going on?"
"Nothing. Like I said…probably something I ate."
"I saw your face in the restaurant…"
"Drop it, Ali." Her voice came out strained and angry. Alison was surprised by her tone.
Emily walked towards the house, Alison trailing behind her. Lupo greeted them at the door. Emily gave him a quick pat on the head and then made a beeline for the bathroom.
Before Alison could follow her she slammed the door shut. She paced the floor, panting and heaving and trying not to lose control. But it wasn't easy.
When it came to Ellie there was a certain part of her that couldn't be contained. Ellie had been way too young to die in such a brutal way. And the worst part is…Emily knew what she went through. She knew the pain. She knew the fear. She lived it.
A little girl's innocence had been ripped away, just like Emily's innocence had been stripped away when she'd seen someone blow holes into her father. Sometimes Emily wished she'd died with her dad. She wished she'd never lived to experience all the pain she'd been through.
But in giving up the pain, she would also be giving up the love. She would be giving up her brother…her sister.
She thought about how Ellie had given eternal love to her as a birthday gift when she was three. It had been one of Emily's favorite birthday gifts. The little girl had been so sweet…so thoughtful.
"It will last for always."
But what happened when "always" came to an end? What happened when "always" wasn't enough?
"I love you, Emmy."
Emily felt her stomach churning. She fought to keep the memory at bay, but she couldn't. It was there…it was always there…taunting her, torturing her.
"Ellie, baby, run! RUN!"
That had undoubtedly been the worst night of her life. Of all the things she'd suffered through…that was the worst. And it was coming back to her at full force now.
She felt another wave of nausea. She fell to her knees, hitting the floor with a thud. She wrapped her arms around the toilet bowl and threw up.
In a way, it felt like she was purging the memory. But at the end of the day, she knew it would still be there.
She stood up, woozy, but she was able to keep her balance. She walked to the sink.
She turned the faucet on and leaned down to let the cool water run against her lips. She gently sucked some of the water into her mouth and drank it. She turned the faucet off and stood up, coming face to face with herself in the mirror. She wiped her face and then walked out of the bathroom.
She expected Alison to be all over her, but the blonde was sitting outside on the porch. Lupo was sitting next to her. Emily thought about going outside, but instead she retreated into her room.
She laid down for a little while, trying to sweat it out. She couldn't get Ellie out of her mind.
She knew she was heading for a spiral. And she didn't have Ethan to bring her back from it. She didn't have anyone who understood her on the level that her brother understood her. Because they had gone through it together.
This was something she knew Alison couldn't help her with. She knew this was something that was going to destroy her. It was going to poison her. He was poisoning her.
Even though he wasn't in her life, he was still a part of her. He'd made damn sure of that. He'd fucked her up so beyond repair. Now he was in her head, feeding off of her pain and fear. This was going to be the very thing that killed her. She just knew it.
Alison tried not to hover, but she couldn't help but worry about her. That night at dinner she could see her physically shaking.
"I'm heating up some soup." Alison offered.
"I'm not hungry." Emily walked over to the refrigerator. She had just popped out of her room to get some water. She was parched.
"Look, if you're still feeling sick, it could be…"
"Every little thing that goes wrong is not about my internal organs." Emily grumbled with a catty attitude.
She walked into the living room. Alison followed her.
"I'm worried, Em." Alison sighed.
"It's fine. I'm fine. You're overreacting."
Alison blew her top.
"I'm not fucking overreacting about you possibly dying!" She snapped.
Emily stared at Alison as she paced in front of the couch and cried in anger. She waited for her to calm down.
When Alison exhausted herself and sat down beside her, Emily looked at her and uttered the one word she had never uttered to anyone other than Ethan since their baby sister had died.
"Ellie."
"Huh?" What did Aria's daughter have to do with this?
"My sister's name was Ellie." Emily leaned forward on the couch, rubbing her hands together. Her nausea was still pretty bad, but she knew she didn't have anything left in her stomach to throw up. "When I heard Aria's daughter's name, I panicked." Emily looked up, slowly making eye contact with Alison.
Her eyes were a beautiful pristine shade of crystal blue. It almost looked like they were sparkling behind her tears. Tears that she had caused. But the tears were dissipating, and her face was calm.
"I can't believe I didn't know that." Alison looked perplexed. She'd known Emily for months.
"It's not exactly like I'm forthcoming about it." Emily said, looking at the ground again. Just saying her name had caused a sharp pain in her chest. "I just…haven't heard the name in a long time. I don't really hang out with a lot of people. I…actually never ran into anyone named Ellie. So…hearing Aria say it…it just brought back…" It had brought back terrible things she'd been trying to push away, "…everything." She swallowed hard, her face contorting in pain. "My dad is not the only person in my family I watched die, Ali."
Long before she saw the bodies pile up overseas she'd seen a bloody war at home. And she carried it with her everywhere she went.
"Before Ethan and I ran away, I saw…" She shook her head, fighting back tears, "She was killed in front of me."
Emily stared blankly at the wall. It was hard for her to feel such a tremendous amount of pain and not say anything about it.
Alison felt a crushing nausea in her stomach. Emily had watched her six-year-old sister die. It was terrible enough that she'd seen her father killed at close range, but her sister? Her little sister? A baby?
No wonder she screamed in her sleep every night.
Alison moved closer to her. She automatically reached for Emily's hand. She wanted to ask Emily everything. She wanted to know what happened to her. But she knew better than to push her before she was ready. She also didn't want her to continue to disappear into the depths of her mind.
"You know you can tell me anything." Alison squeezed her hand. "If you want to talk about it…"
"No." Emily cut her off. She pulled her hand away from Alison. Alison had never seen her shut down so fast.
"I'm not saying you have to." Alison replied softly. She didn't want her to feel cornered. "I'm just saying I'm here if you want to."
Emily pulled her arms close to her body, hugging herself. Her fingernails dug into her bicep.
"Thanks." She sounded sincere, but she also sounded unsettled.
If Alison only knew what was going on in her mind. If she only knew what Emily had seen that day…
"There are some things I just…can't." Emily clenched her jaw. "Not…not yet."
"I can't even pretend to know what you went through…" Alison grimaced. "But I do know that the harder you fight to bury it the worse it comes back…"
"Good thing I'll be dead and buried soon then." Emily's face was rigid.
"Don't even joke about that." Alison hissed harshly.
But Emily was closer to that than Alison realized. Everything that had happened to her in her life was terrible enough, but when she thought about Ellie…she couldn't help but go the darkest corner of her mind…the place where she couldn't see the light. She felt the darkness creeping in, and she was content to let it. She knew better than to try and stop it. The more she struggled the more she floundered.
"Hey…" Alison moved her hand up to Emily's cheek. It was still hot and damp with sweat. "I can see this consuming you. I just…I want to help."
"You can't."
"No. You won't let me. There's a difference." Alison didn't back down. Her thumb grazed Emily's jaw. The motion reached something deep inside of Emily. It garnered her attention. "I feel like I'm losing you. I feel like you're under that bridge again, and you're slowly just slipping away. And I'm just watching it happen." It made her feel so helpless. "I don't want you to get lost."
"I've been lost my whole life." She pulled back. I don't deserve to be found.
"Look at me." When Emily didn't respond, Alison got a little more aggressive with her command. "I said look at me." She grabbed Emily's chin and forced their gaze to meet. "Your life has worth."
"Okay, Doctor Feelgood." Emily muttered sarcastically.
"Don't do that. Don't push me away. I know you're sinking, but I want you to promise me that no matter how hard it is…you will always come to me. Promise me that you will never do what you did out by those train tracks again. No matter what."
"Fine." Emily pulled back uncomfortably. She felt like she was lying to her. And she didn't like it.
She pushed herself to her feet. Before she could walk off, Alison reached out and grabbed her wrist. Emily froze, staring at Alison's hand against her skin.
"I'm not letting you go until you promise." She closed her fingers around Emily's wrist and held her in place.
Emily looked at her, an annoyed expression on her face.
"I promise." She jerked away and walked away.
Alison thought Emily was going to bolt for the front door, but she just disappeared into the guest room. Alison lowered her head and buried her face into her hands and groaned in frustration. Emily had been doing so well, and now they were right back where they started.
She knew there were going to be setbacks, but it wasn't easy to watch. She felt like she was watching Emily being buried alive, and she was struggling for air, but she wouldn't take Alison's hand. And Alison was afraid that she was going to watch her suffocate without being able to save her.
Alison knew the statistics. She knew that a previous suicide attempt made a person three times more likely to attempt it again in that same year. She knew there was a high likelihood that Emily would try again.
And it terrified her.
Because statistics weren't wrong.
A/N: Fun-fact, the "kicked in the tits" (which hurts like a motherfucker, by the way) line had my bestie giggling so hard. Throughout the rest of the story she was randomly laughing and so I finally just poked her and asked, "why are you laughing?" and she just grinned and replied, "Ali really needs to just calm her tits. Jeeze."
Of course, we all know why Alison is worried. Next chapter is going to hit hard. Maybe I should give you guys a safe word for in case it gets to intense or painful.
Edited to add after a reviewed request: I wasn't sure whether or not to address the content in the review (I do appreciate hearing from you all!), but given what's coming up in the next chapter, I think people need to be prepared. I think it's probably worth mentioning, this story is not about a healthy relationship. This is a dark version of Emison. Intimacy is different for different people. And we've got two very broken people here. At this point in their relationship it's not a healthy form of intimacy. The way they talk about their feelings isn't straightforward, but in the subtle moments, the hand-grabs and the cheek touching. The smiles and the acts of love they do in the quieter moments, because sometimes love is just being there. They don't converse with fluff and hand holding. They don't talk about love and cuddle together. Because it's simply not who these two certain characters are as a couple at this point in the story. I want people to be aware that while they do love one another, it's not a normal kind of love. Not to mention, you're about to find out why Emily pushes Alison away and keeps her at a distance.
As always, I appreciate the input, but I have a plan in motion, and I'm being very fickle about it, because this is likely my last Emison story. And I want to go out with a bang.