A/N: Do not skip this author's note: This chapter is extremely graphic. It's very triggering for multiple reasons. Please go into it knowing that there are sensitive topics. I'm talking abuse, blood, and violence. I'm throwing a lot at you this chapter, so please remember to stop and breathe. And if you're not in the right mindset, please don't read it.

Also, please remember that the complexities of loving someone suffering from depression/suicidal thoughts/PTSD is not cut and dry. Love is often hard for people who struggle with mental health, because of how the disease makes them feel, though everyone is different. This fic delves into the real life ramifications of those complications. Love is a treatment, but it's not a cure. This story doesn't shy away from the unhealthier aspects of this relationship, but it also takes a look at love without blinders in a way that showcases that everyone deserves love, and that it is possible.

These characters have suffered major traumatic events separately. They weren't together to build any kind of relationship during their trauma. They have a connection and they have feelings, and through all of their pain they are trying to figure things out. That's not something that comes with ease, because they're both shut off to an extent. Though, as you'll see in this chapter, there are deeper aspects to it.

I know it's a long dark ride. If you're still with me, thank you for having faith in my writing. The more people who understand mental health the more we can try to destigmatize the topics around it. I never want to overstep. I think long and hard about how I want to tell stories like these. I agonize over every word. I tear apart and analyze every sentence. I cut. I rewrite. I put my heart into it. I talk to people who have gone through these things. I consider what I publish carefully.

Again, go into it with caution. I have fretted over it since I originally wrote it. I have read and re-read and picked it to pieces and I'm still concerned about the content. This is dark as it gets.

Chapter 12:

The Breaking Point

Emily was off-balance the next few days. She was dealing with everything she had bottled up. The day her dad was murdered. The day her mother died. The day she failed to save her little sister.

Her sister. Her sweet baby sister. Ripped away from her family. She was hurt in ways that were unfathomable. A life cut entirely too short.

Her brother. The carnage she'd seen overseas. Blood. Pink mist. Brain matter. Death. The horrible noises a human body made in its final moments.

The torture she'd endured her entire life. Being held against her will, both at home and in war camps.

That man. That horrible man. The things he'd said. The things he'd done. The pieces of her he'd left on the ground.

The war she fought at home. The war she fought overseas. The war she fought inside of herself.

Even when she looked calm, she wasn't.

Alison was the only thing that kept her from putting a bullet in her brain. She cared about her more than she cared about herself. But she didn't know how to express it. She'd never let herself love anyone before. It was another reason she knew that deep down, she was irrevocably broken. She'd been broken long before she ever had a chance to know what true love felt like.

Alison's admission of love had caused Emily to spiral into a panic. Because she felt something for Alison, too. She'd felt it when Alison was in the midst of her pleasure the last time they'd been in bed together. Alison had given Emily all of herself that night. And Emily felt it.

Emily had watched her every movement in bed, completely transfixed by the spell that was Alison DiLaurentis. And she had felt something more than just hormones. She'd been turned on before with other girls, but none of them made her feel the way Alison felt. And that terrified her. Because she knew what that warm feeling in her chest was. The feeling that made her heart beat faster. The feeling that made her breathe harder. The feeling that made her hands sweat and her body ache in the best way.

She'd been too wrapped up in Alison's pleasure to say anything. She wasn't sure if she was even capable of saying that word. It scared her. Because loving someone and letting them in was painful. And she'd also been on the other end of it. She'd known true hate before. And she knew what it was like to be hated…to be hurt. She didn't know what it was like to be lovingly held. She only knew what it felt like to be suffocated with hatred.

After her parents died she'd only ever said those words when they were forced out of her. And they became a terrible taste in her mouth. She'd been able to say it to her brother and her sister. But then he'd come along and tainted that word. He'd tainted her.

But when that feeling washed over her when Alison was peacefully sleeping in her arms that night she'd been able to admit it to herself. And it had sent her into a panic. Because she knew that Alison was her tether. If something happened to her she would have no reason to live anymore. It was a lot for anyone to live up to, and it was too much to put on the blonde. And Emily knew it.

She got anxious every time they argued because she was afraid Alison would decide their relationship was too much trouble and walk away.

She was terrified when they were too close, because she was afraid something would trigger her and she would hurt her again like that the night when she'd nearly broken her nose. Her worst nightmare was snapping over something, blacking out, and finding Alison dead at her feet.

Alison tried to get her to open up, but Emily shut her out. She even went as far as shutting Alison out physically, which confused Alison. Emily had never been the most affectionate person. She was aloof and distant. And Alison knew there was a reason for that. She just didn't know how painful it would be when she discovered it.

Something had changed within Emily. Her kisses were different. The way she touched Alison was different. It was like she was holding a hidden pain, a feeling she couldn't express.

Alison would get glimpses of Emily when she let her guard down. She could see her softening, but she could also see something murkier…something Emily was still holding on to from her past that haunted her. The brunette was there, but she wasn't present.

Alison could see everything that Emily wasn't saying. Because she knew Emily. She knew everything about her. She knew that Emily didn't like open doors, because they were "unsecured perimeters". She knew that Emily didn't like to be touched, especially after having one of her nightmares. She knew that Emily's nerves often got the better of her when her adrenaline was still pumping from the demons she ran from.

She knew that Emily hated when it was too quiet, because that's when her mind was the loudest. She knew that Emily acted impenetrable, but when it came to those she cared about, she was one of the softest people on the planet. She knew that Emily was shattered, but if someone needed her she'd pull it together just long enough to help them.

She knew Emily. She knew who Emily was.

So she knew when things had changed. She knew when things were different. She could hear it in her voice. She could see it in her movements.

And she knew something was wrong with Emily, but she couldn't do anything about it.

They had a few sexual encounters, but they seemed so different than the last time they'd slept together. Emily was very finicky about Alison having any control in the bedroom. One time Emily seemed to completely disappear into a dark part of her mind when Alison placed a kiss in between her breasts and touched her chest. Emily had seemed so startled that she jerked back and fell off of the bed.

That was when Alison suggested that they slow it down for a while. It was clear to her that Emily was dealing with something. She was struggling…drowning. And she wouldn't let Alison give her a lifeline. It was frustrating, because it felt like every time they made progress Emily took one step forward, but two steps back.

Her nightmares had gotten worse. And when she was awake she was withdrawn and quiet.

She disappeared during the day, but she always came back at night.

She'd been going through Caleb's list of people who had called the public phone at the library. It was mostly teenagers trying to hide something from their parents and people doing shady things.

Emily had set up camp on a bench outside the building all day watching people go in and out. She was getting ready to call it quits, but then Caleb called her with the news she'd been hoping for.

At first, she thought it was Alison calling and she was ready to send it to voicemail. She hadn't been intentionally icing her out. It's not like she was trying to avoid her. She just didn't know how to act around her anymore. She was torn between being with Alison and protecting her. Because she knew that inevitably, Alison was going to get hurt because of her. She knew that in order to protect her, she had to pull away. Or at least, that's what it felt like.

Fortunately, it wasn't the blonde on the other end of the phone.

"What's up, Mr. Robot?" She answered.

"How's the hunt coming along?"

"Can we not call it that? I'm not a fucking tiger on the prowl."

"Nah, you're scarier." He teased.

"I'm thinking about packing it in."

"Didn't find who you were looking for?"

Maybe I shouldn't find him. What if it made things worse?

"I've found a lot of dope heads and horny teenagers…"

"Sounds like your kind of people…" She heard Caleb laughing on the other end of the phone.

"Yeah, laugh it up, you dick. You got a reason for calling me or did you just feel like busting my balls?"

"Easy, cowgirl." Caleb's laughter ceased. "I just called to let you know that I found another number to add to your list. Called the access phone about three months ago, but there wasn't any information on it. I thought it was encrypted, but it turns out it was a burner. I was able to trace the serial number back to the shop where it was purchased. And I was able to ping the location where the phone was used by the nearest cell towers. Got a pen?"

Emily shifted on the bench, reaching into her bag. She pulled out a small notepad and a pen. And she listened as Caleb spouted out the location where the burner phone had been used.

"Rivers, you're a miracle worker. Is there anything you can't do?"

"Grow my leg back."

"Touché. I can't believe you went through all of this trouble for me."

"I owe you my life. Or lack there-of." Caleb shrugged. "Don't know if the number will lead you anywhere, but I figured I might as well try to help you try to catch your white whale."

More like white trash…

"I fucking hated Moby Dick. Melville was a hack."

"Look, just don't get yourself dragged out to sea and killed, okay?"

"No promises."

"I'm serious."

"I'll do my best."

"I will kick your ass if you're up to something stupid."

"With what foot? You don't have a leg to stand on."

Caleb huffed out a laugh.

"Solid. That was a good one."

"Take care of yourself, Caleb."

"Back at you. You know how to find me if you need me."

After they hung up, Emily noticed that she had a text from Alison.

"Want to meet up for lunch? I was thinking of ordering from that new Thai place down the street from the office."

It was her way of checking in without technically checking in. Instead of asking "are you okay?" she was trying to get Emily to show her that she was okay. But Emily wasn't even close to okay.

Ever since all the memories of Ellie's death had resurfaced she hadn't been able to eat, sleep, or focus. She was drowning in her pain. Her guilt was eating her alive. Every second of every day felt like a chore, like she was just living to die. Every breath felt like a waste.

"Already ate. But thanks."

"Dinner then?"

Emily sighed. Alison really did everything in her power to make her feel loved. It was just so hard for her to accept that love. She knew she didn't deserve it. She didn't deserve Alison. Alison deserved someone who could love her back. She deserved someone who could make her feel like the most important person on the planet. Alison DiLaurentis deserved better than the likes of Emily Fields.

"Might be out late tonight."

There was a delay in Alison's response. Emily could practically see Alison making faces at her phone…frustrated, worrying. A few seconds later another message popped up.

"You're not okay, are you?"

"I'm not dead in a gutter somewhere and I'm not standing on the ledge of a bridge."

"I wish you'd talk to me."

Emily stared at Alison's message for a second and then put her phone away. She couldn't stand to disappoint her right now. She was barely hanging on by a thread as it was. Besides, she had things to do.

She trekked out to the coordinates that Caleb had given her. It led her to a warehouse down by the docks.

Nothing was really out of the ordinary. The guys that worked there were just hanging out and playing poker. She hid in the shadows and watched them drink and smoke and tell crude jokes. And when the game was over she watched as they all got up from the table to leave.

It wasn't until the last two guys were out in the light of the evening sunset that she realized she knew one of them.

The bouncer she'd nearly killed at the bar the night she went searching for her confiscated gun was mid-conversation with a little scraggly guy. He was sporting a tacky red cap, wearing it backwards on his head like he was some all-important ball-player.

"What the fuck was he thinking?" The little guy asked.

"Don't know, but apparently he laid the little fag out…"

Emily felt a pool of rage burning inside of her.

Were they talking about Charles?

I'll fucking show him laid out…

"Think he'll rat him out?" Little guy frowned.

"Nah, don't think he saw him. He got him from behind."

I could slit their throats right now and still make it home to Alison before dinner.

The bastard needed to die. She gripped her knife, which was all she had on her. She'd left her guns at the motel, but she could work with a blade. It would be quieter anyway. He couldn't scream if she severed his vocal cords.

Then again, what if the man had information that could lead her directly to – as Caleb had so annoyingly put it – her white whale? These men were exactly the kind of men her bastard of a stepfather would have hung out with.

The little guy said something to the bouncer and then he tapered off, going around to the other side of the building. The bouncer made his way over towards the parking lot. Emily crept behind him, staying behind the cover of the crates and tankers. She watched as he pulled his hat off. He wiped his brow with his forearm.

She crept closer. She was right behind him, ready to strike from the shadows when she heard the unmistakable giggle of a child. Seconds later a little girl rounded a corner. Emily peered out and saw a car parked in the parking lot.

"Daddy!" The little girl leaped into his arms.

His big brave macho façade faded.

"Well, hello my little princess." He picked her up and twirled her around. "Did you have fun with your auntie today?"

A skinny little woman walked around the corner touting a big stuffed bear and several balloons that had animals on them.

"We went to the zoo. I learned about monkeys and zebras!"

Emily felt something painful jolt her heart. Ellie had loved animals. She'd had one of those "See and Say" toys that made different animal noises. The little girl looked like she was around Ellie's age, the age she would always be in Emily's memory, the age when she died.

"She's decided she wants to be a Veterinarian," the woman smiled.

"No kidding." He kissed his daughter on the head.

The little girl giggled again and hugged his neck. The entire exchange was making Emily feel very uncomfortable.

Could she kill someone knowing he had a kid? Could she do that to an innocent child? She knew what that felt like. She'd had to live with the ramifications of her dad's murder since the day it happened.

Then again, she'd killed plenty of people overseas, and who knows if they'd had families of their own? She was already a murderer. What was one more body?

The little girl squirmed out of his arms and then excitedly started babbling about dinner before running over to the parked car.

"Thanks for watching her."

"No problem. You sure you don't need me to take the night shift?"

"Nah, my mom has got her. At the very least I get to see her for dinner."

"You're always working."

"Since the rugrat's mom died I'm all she's got. Got to keep a roof over her head somehow."

Fuck. Emily put her knife away.

She couldn't kill him. She couldn't knowingly take the life of someone who had the life of a child in his hands. Because even though he was a disgusting piece of work, it seemed like the little girl worshiped him. She didn't cower when she saw him. She wasn't afraid. In fact, she was enthusiastic about her daddy. Emily remembered feeling that way about her own father.

Emily kept an eye on the bouncer for a while. She found out where he lived, knowing she could go there at any time if she needed information. She watched as he played tea party with his little girl and read her a bedtime story. She saw an entirely different side to him.

And it pissed her off. Because even though he was a raging asshole who threw punches at women in the pits of a bar and took potshots at gay people, he clearly cared about his daughter. Ellie had never had that. Emily and Ethan had done their best to make sure their little sister didn't bear the brunt of that man, but in the end they hadn't been able to protect her.

She felt a tightness creeping up her spine. Her throat felt like it was closing up. She had a strange pounding pain in her head. Her brain was trying to protect her from the memory, but it was coming back with a vengeance.

Alison was right.

She had been repressing so much for so long that it was only a matter of time before she self-destructed.

She didn't stick around to wait on the bouncer to get ready for his night job. She had to get some control back. She had to find a way to release the pressure.

She wanted to go back to her motel and put a gun in her mouth. Instead, she went with something a little less deadly. To dull the ache she went searching for comfort in a bottomless pit of alcohol.

She drank until she couldn't feel anything anymore. She knew Alison was going to be pissed, but she didn't see any other options. She didn't know any other way to cope. Drawing and swimming could only help so much.

By the time she finally stumbled back to Alison's house she was a complete wreck. She felt like she was on fire. She just wanted something to clear her mind. She wanted the pain to stop.

She had a hard time getting the key in the lock. Lupo was at the front door standing guard. When he saw her he started wagging his tail. She looked around the living room, expecting to see a very angry blonde staring back her.

To her surprise, Alison wasn't waiting up for her.

Emily smiled drunkenly at the dog.

"You're a good boy."

She walked into the kitchen. He followed her. She grabbed a chewy bone from the cabinet, somehow managing not to knock everything off of the shelf when she reached for it. Lupo spun around and whined in excitement.

She unwrapped the bone and gave it to him. He walked around with it in his mouth, crying, unsure of what to do. After a few seconds he trotted out the doggy door. Emily laughed. He was probably going to bury it.

She stood in the kitchen for a few minutes. The alcohol was making her head fuzzy and dulling some of her nerves, but it was starting to wear off. She kicked her shoes off and trudged up the stairs.

Alison's bedroom door was open. She always left it cracked. She was snoring softly from the comfort of her bed.

Emily stood in the doorway watching her sleep. Alison had always told her to come to her if she needed her. She wasn't sure what she needed, but she knew she wanted to be with Alison…on top of her…in her. Nothing felt as good as pleasing her.

She quietly closed the door and took a hesitant step forward. She misjudged the distance and stumbled to the floor on her hands and knees.

Alison shot up in bed, yanking the covers up over herself in surprise.

"It's just me." Emily moved off of her knees.

"Em?" She yawned, sitting up to turn on her lamp.

"I didn't mean to wake you." She pushed herself to her feet. Actually, yes she did. Because she wanted her. She wanted her more than she wanted anything in the world.

"Is everything okay?"

"I…" God she's so pretty. So hot. So fuckable. "I need you."

"I'm always here." Alison sat up against her headboard.

Emily staggered towards the bed and that's when Alison realized she was completely sloshed.

"You're drunk." She frowned disapprovingly.

"But I'm in one piece. And hey…I didn't kill anyone today, including myself. Do I get a gold star for that?" She crawled into the bed.

"Where the fuck have you been?" Alison lifted her lip in a snarl.

"Oktoberfest." Emily replied sarcastically. "Can't you tell?"

"This has got to stop." Alison huffed sadly under her breath. "You can't keep destroying yourself like this."

She made the mistake of leaning down and tracing her fingers against Emily's cheek, not realizing where it was going to lead. Her touch always drove Emily insane, in the best way.

"You're so beautiful." Emily smiled at her, pushing herself up on her elbows. So beautiful. So fucking beautiful.

Emily leaned forward and pushed her lips against Alison's. She didn't feel the resistance in Alison's reaction. The blonde gently tried to push her away, knowing she wasn't in any state of mind for them to be kissing, much less doing anything else. But Emily was too drunk to read the signals. She nuzzled against Alison's exposed shoulder and pressed a kiss against her collar bone.

"Em…" Alison tried to get her attention. She felt herself getting hot in between her thighs. Fuck. Even when she didn't want to be with Emily, she wanted to be with her. "Hey, we can't do this. Not when you're…" She gasped when she felt Emily's hand against her breast, groping her, tweaking her nipple. "Ohhh." She muttered in surprise. "Emily…Em…wait…"

But Emily couldn't comprehend her words. She had shut down so completely that she was just being guided by her hormones. Alison reached up to push her back, but Emily grabbed her wrist and pinned it against the bed. She cupped Alison's center, rubbing her hand against her pajama bottoms.

"Stop." Alison put her free hand against her shoulder and tried to push her away. This couldn't happen. Not like this. "Stop it!"

"You don't want me?" She sounded hurt. You fucked it up. You always fuck it up.

"This isn't happening tonight." She felt Emily's fingers slip across her stomach and then dip into her pajama bottoms. "Hey, I said no!"

Alison pulled away and pushed harder against Emily's body, trying to push her off. She felt Emily rub against the outside of her underwear, moaning when she felt a wetness pooled up against the fabric. Alison cursed her body for responding to Emily's touch. She knew she had to get her attention.

"Emily, stop!" Alison raised her voice.

She shoved Emily's face away and elbowed her in the ribs.

The jolt to her ribs did the trick. But it did more than draw her out of her drunken stupor. It opened up a door she'd slammed closed in her mind. Everything she'd been trying to forget swirled around in her head.

She froze.

Alison saw a peculiar look on her face. Had she hit her too hard?

"Oh, shit. Are you okay?" Alison hadn't really considered that the hit might hurt her.

Emily was shaking. She slowly looked down and her senses came back to her. She quickly ripped her hand out of Alison's pajamas.

"Oh, God. I…" Emily looked at the girl underneath her, and it was a reminder that she'd once been that girl. "I can't…" I can't be like him. Am I as fucked up as he was? "Alison, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

She was trembling so much that her voice was breaking. The door in her mind was wide open now. And she saw everything. She saw the look on his face. She smelled the liquor on his breath. She tasted bile. She heard screams. She felt…everything.

Alison saw something on Emily's face she only saw right before Emily had a panic attack. But it had never been this bad.

"What's wrong?" Alison's eyes widened.

Emily's mouth dropped open and she sat up, pulling her weight off of Alison. She reached up with her arms and curled them tight around her chest. She felt like she was going to have a heart attack.

"Emily?"

She didn't respond to Alison's voice. She was breathing so hard that her breaths were shaky and uneven. Emily didn't even realize there were tears falling down her cheeks, but Alison immediately noticed them.

"Hey, you're crying." Alison sat up.

Despite the circumstances, she automatically reached out to comfort her. Emily pulled back, slapping her hand away.

"No. Don't." Emily back-peddled, nearly falling off the bed. She'll never be safe as long as you're alive. You have to get away. You have to get away from her.

"Just calm down. I…"

But before she could finish, Emily was scrambling out of the bed. She raced towards the door.

Alison sat up, stunned. Something was seriously wrong. There had been a terrifying haunted expression on Emily's face. It was the look of someone who had fallen head first into the most horrifying place in her mind. It was a look that screamed something awful had happened to her. Something more than what she'd told Alison.

"Emily, wait!" She kicked the covers off and raced after her.

But Emily was already gone. She'd made it out the front door and was racing down the driveway. Her adrenaline had sobered her up.

Alison had no idea which way she'd gone.

"Shit." She paced the living room.

She grabbed her phone and tried to call her. She heard Emily's phone ringing and saw it on the floor next to her shoes. Emily was out there, barefoot in the cold…without a phone.

Alison quickly changed into some pants and a T-shirt and grabbed her keys, unsure of where she was going to go. But she knew she couldn't go alone. Emily was an expert at disappearing. If she didn't want to be found, she wouldn't. Alison needed help.

Cece was on the night shift at work and Aria was with her family at Disneyland. She only had one other option. And she knew it wasn't going to go over well.

But Spencer always answered. Despite their bickering, she was always there.

"Ali? It's two in the morning."

"I realize what time it is…"

"Is everything okay?"

"No."

Alison cried into the phone and told Spencer exactly what had happened. She didn't leave anything out. She couldn't. She needed Spencer to know the gravity of the situation.

"She just took off. I'm really worried. She was completely freaked out."

"She should be." Spencer sounded pissed. "She almost raped you."

"It wasn't like that. She stopped," Alison explained. "And when she did…it was almost like…" That look in her eyes. That look. "I don't know…she was scared, Spence. She was remembering something. And I think it rocked her enough that she might…" Alison bit her lip. "I'm afraid she might do something stupid."

"You said yourself she was drunk. She's probably just going to sleep it off somewhere."

"No. Something snapped inside of her. I see it all the time. And I know her."

"Not as well as you think. You've only known her for a few months…"

"I'm in love with her!" Alison yelled, almost angrily. "I'm in love with her, okay?"

"She has serious problems…"

"So did I, once upon a time."

"It's not the same. And you know it." Spencer sounded exasperated, and for a second Alison regretted calling her. "I feel like I'm enabling something that's going to blow up, and you're going to get hit by the debris."

"I don't have time for a lecture. That's not why I called. I need your help…"

"Ali…" Her voice wavered in uncertainty.

"Please help me. I have a really bad feeling about this…"

Spencer sighed.

"I was just going to tell you that I'm going to cover the east side of the city. You take the west. We'll meet in the middle."

"Thank you." Alison said, tears burning her eyes.

"If we find her, you have to get the girl help. Real help. Help that you can't give her."

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it."

She hung up her phone and concentrated on her driving.

She checked alleys and bars and park benches. She checked the old railway bridge. She left no stone left unturned. She was so frazzled that it didn't dawn on her to check Emily's motel, which is exactly where the brunette had ended up. When Alison realized that's the only place she could be, she called Spencer and told her to meet her there.

And while the two girls were speeding towards the motel, Emily was pacing around the small bathroom. She felt like a caged animal. She'd run right past the guns, because she knew if she didn't she'd turn them on herself. She barely noticed the cuts and abrasions on her bare feet from running out in the cold. She'd had worse.

She roughly ran her fingers through her hair, gripping her head tightly. What she'd done tonight…that was one of her worst fears. It was all him. She was just like him.

"No." Emily closed her eyes.

But when she was in the dark she saw his menacing grin looming above her. She heard her brother shouting at him from inside the closet. She tried to shake the memory from her head, but she could feel it happening all over again. The image of her face slowly faded into Alison and the image of her stepfather became distorted into her face.

You're a fucking monster. Just like him.

"No!" Emily growled in a panic, her fist flying forward, shattering the glass above the sink. Blood started dripping down her knuckles.

She fell backwards, bumping against the wall before toppling to the floor. Emily looked down and saw her hands completely covered in blood. She saw her brother bleeding out on the ground.

"Fields!" She heard someone shouting. "Fields, you've got to get the fuck out of there!"

"Go," she heard Ethan's voice fading.

"I'm not fucking leaving you."

There was a loud explosion, knocking her off of her feet. She went sailing through the air. She wasn't sure how far. Ten feet, twenty feet, a hundred feet. All she knew was that she was in a tremendous amount of pain when she finally hit the ground.

Still, through the smoke and fog she crawled back towards her brother. If she was going to die, it was going to be by his side.

Then there was another flash, one more dastardly than what had happened to her brother. The twisted and mangled body of a six-year-old…

She heard her little sister's pleas.

"I'm sorry, daddy! Daddy, what did I do wrong?"

"Ellie, baby, run! RUN!"

"Emmy!"

It was her fault. Her fucking fault.

She didn't remember picking up the shard of glass. She didn't remember pressing the tip of it against her skin or dragging it down her arm. All she knew was that she couldn't end up like him. She knew that she couldn't exist in a world where she would hurt Alison.

I won't hurt her. I won't be like him.

She had failed Ellie. She had failed Ethan. And now she had failed Alison. She didn't deserve to live. She was too messed up. Too broken. Too fractured. She was tainted. And things that were tainted had to be disposed of.

What was the point of living if you were rotting on the inside?

She leaned her head back against the wall as she felt the warm flow of blood streaming into her hands. She dropped the glass shard and stared at the wall.

Death felt colder this time around.

o ~ O ~ o

Alison and Spencer rushed to Emily's room with a key that Spencer had finagled out of the manager. She had threatened him with big lawyer terms that Alison was too frazzled to understand.

When they got to Emily's room Alison barged in. The place was quiet, but Alison knew she was there. She could sense it. Her eyes immediately landed on the bathroom door. She ran towards it and tried to open it, but it was locked.

"Emily?" Alison fought desperately against the doorknob. "Open the door."

No response.

"Emily, I know you're in there. Open the damn door!"

Still nothing.

"Something is wrong." Alison looked at Spencer.

Alison's face was ashen. She looked like she was about to be sick.

"I've got a crowbar in my car." Spencer quickly ran towards the door.

"Hurry." Alison pleaded. She heard Spencer's footsteps retreating and she turned her attention back towards the door. "Em, please…please just answer me so I know you're okay."

The silence was was agonizing. She felt her heart pumping wildly in her chest.

Come on, Spence. Where the fuck are you?

Something told her not to wait. Something deep inside of her knew. She knew.

Statistics.

Statistics told her what she didn't want to hear. That look she'd seen on Emily's face before she ran off...that was the look of someone who didn't want to live anymore.

She slammed against the door, throwing her shoulder into it. She fought against the knob and shoved into it again. She cried out in frustration when it wouldn't budge.

She fell to her knees and looked below the door, trying to see underneath it. She saw something tiny and reflective. She couldn't see much other than a shadow looming near the door. But she saw something unmistakable pooling on the tile. Her eyes widened.

She stood up, her adrenaline pumping. She took a step back and then threw her foot into the door below the doorknob. She heard something crack, so she reared back and did it again. And again. She ran at it, hard.

The door gave way and she went tumbling into the bathroom, slipping against something wet and nearly falling to the floor. It took her a second to realize the substance she'd slipped in was thick and red.

Blood.

She looked up and saw the broken mirror, shards of glass in the sink and all over the floor. She spun around and saw Emily next to the door leaning against the wall, her legs splayed out in front of her. Her arms were covered in blood. Her clothes were drenched. Her face was pale and lifeless.

"Jesus Christ." Alison fell to her knees next to her, dousing the knees of her pants in blood. She felt for a pulse. "Oh, honey, what did you do?"

Emily mumbled under her breath, opening her eyes long enough to look at Alison before her head fell forward again.

She's alive.

How the hell was she alive?

It should have been a relief, but all Alison felt was fear. Because she didn't want to watch her die. She couldn't watch her die. Not again.

"Emily…" Alison held her head up. "Hold on."

She reached for a stack of towels. She went to work to stop the bleeding. Her hands were shaking uncontrollably as she wrapped Emily's wrists, but the blood soaked through the towels almost immediately. She frantically rummaged through the cabinets until she found a first aid kit. It was old and outdated, but it had the essentials.

She quickly slid two tourniquets on her arms and then wrapped her wrists again, packing the injuries. This time the blood didn't soak through as fast. She held pressure against the cuts.

"I hurt you," Emily mumbled, her eyes still closed.

"You didn't hurt me." Alison wiped her bloody hands on her shirt. "Look at me. I'm fine."

"I hurt you like he hurt me…"

Alison couldn't understand what Emily was saying. She was talking, but her lips were barely moving. It was coming out muffled. Alison cupped her cheeks. She didn't respond. Alison gripped her cheeks harder, trying to keep her conscious.

"Don't you fucking do this to me again."

"You have to stop it," she uttered.

"I'm trying. You've lost a lot of blood and…"

"No…" Emily weakly tried to push her away, but she was so drained that she didn't even have the strength to move her arms. "Not the bleeding. Stop saving me. I'm not worth it. I'm too fucked up." Too fucked up to live. "Just…let me die."

God, how could she think that?

"No." Alison replied tearfully. "You open your eyes and look at me." To her surprise, Emily's heavy eyelids fluttered open. "You do not get to give up like this."

She had to refrain from calling her stupid and selfish, because that would just make things worse. And it wasn't true. Because it wasn't her. It was the deadly symptom of a disease. It was all her pain manifesting in the most monstrous way. It was a heart collapsing underneath a crushing weight. It was her demons snuffing out the light while she clawed through the darkness.

Alison had spent months hovering over her, worrying, watching her every move. She had felt confident that she could stop it from happening again. But she should have known from experience that it was spontaneous, and that it happened when you were least expecting it. She should have known she couldn't stop it.

God, was this her fault? Had she taken their relationship too far? She knew that getting involved emotionally was risky, but she'd never dreamed it would end up like this.

She heard a gasp from the doorway.

"Oh my God." Spencer huffed.

"Call 911."

"No." Emily groaned. "They'll want to put a hold on me."

"You need a fucking hold. You slit your goddamn wrists." Alison responded angrily.

Spencer was already on her phone, rushing out to verify the room number.

"I don't want to go to Psych. It makes things worse."

"You don't have a choice. I'm not going to lose you."

"You care." Emily had tears in her eyes. She was still hurting Alison. "You care, and it hurts."

"I told you if you ever thought of doing this again to call me. And you promised." Alison growled, her fear, frustration, and pain all rolled into one biting ball of anger. "You promised me. Why didn't you call me?"

"I don't deserve you." She took a shallow breath. "I'm poison. You aren't safe with me. You…you'll never be safe…I had to…"

Emily's head drooped forward, her eyes closing, her jaw going slack.

"Emily?" Alison reached down, checking her pulse. It was weak. She pulled Emily flat against the floor to try and keep her blood flowing to her heart. "You deserve more than this. You deserve me. I'm yours. I want to be yours. I want you." Demons and all. "So just…stay with me, okay, sweetie?"

Spencer came back in on her phone.

"They're on their way." She saw the state Emily was in. "Oh, God. Is she…"

"No. Help me get her legs elevated." Alison ordered. "It will keep what's left of her blood pumping to her heart."

Spencer saw something in Alison she'd never seen before. She saw love. And that was a painful reminder of the severity of the situation. Her best friend was hurting. And it made her hurt as well.

Once they got Emily situated, Alison pulled Emily's head into her lap. She leaned down and kissed her forehead.

"I love you, do you hear me? I love you, Emily. And I want you."

She wasn't sure if Emily could hear her, but she wanted her to feel safe and validated.

"You are wanted. I see you. I feel you. You're going to be okay." She pulled Emily into her arms. "The world is still moving. It's still moving and you're still holding on. You're not going to fall into the darkness." She tasted something salty, and she realized she was crying. "Keep holding on for me, sweetie."

Emily was dying again. And Alison felt like they were right back under that bridge.

Two minutes later the paramedics were rushing in. They got her loaded up quickly. And just like she'd done the night they met, Alison rode with her to the hospital, holding her hand the entire way.

o ~ O ~ o

They'd whisked Emily away the second they got to the hospital. Alison spent hours agonizing over everything that had led up to this. She asked herself how many signs she missed. She was a fucking therapist for God's sake.

"You couldn't have known." Spencer interrupted her self-destructive thoughts.

"But I did know. I knew she was going to do this. I saw it in her eyes."

"And we got to her in time because of that." Spencer reminded her. "There is only so much you can do. You can't be with someone 24 hours a day. You're only human."

"You were right. I never should have gotten involved with her. I never should have crossed that line. I should have just stayed professional. But now…" Alison bit her lip. "I can't help her anymore, can I? I'm too close, right?"

"I think you know the answer to that." Spencer didn't want to say 'I told you so'. Not this time.

Alison couldn't stop pacing.

"You're burning a hole in the floor." Spencer tried to get her to sit down, but she refused.

"I can't help it." Alison stopped long enough to look at her friend. "What is taking so long?"

It was harder for her this time than it had been last time. Because last time she hadn't loved Emily the way she loved her now.

"She lost a lot of blood. Transfusions take time."

That wasn't a comfort to Alison. She stared at her hands. She'd washed them at least a dozen times, but she could still see Emily's blood caked into her nails. The blood on her clothes had dried, leaving a stiff dark thickness on the fabric. It felt weird against her skin.

She glanced out the large wall of windows overlooking the ER parking lot. The sun was coming up, though she barely comprehended it. She continued to pace the floor.

Just when she thought she might lose her mind, she saw a familiar face.

Wren Kingston. The same doctor who had assigned her Emily's case in the first place.

"She's stable." Wren cut to the chase. "She lost a lot of blood, but she'll recover."

"I want to see her."

"I'm afraid that's against policy…"

"Don't." Alison cut him off. "Don't feed me that bullshit. I have been working with this hospital for years. I've watched doctors come and go, but you know what never changes? My patients. I've watched people live and die, people I care about. And if something happens to her without me getting to see her one last time I swear I will rip this fucking hospital apart, and I'll start with you."

Wren didn't seem intimidated. In fact, he laughed.

"Eddie warned me about you. Said you were quite the fireball when you wanted to be." Wren nodded. "Come on then."

Alison told Spencer she could go home, but Spencer told her she wasn't leaving. Alison walked off with Wren.

"It's always hard when there is a repeat attempt. I was truly hoping we wouldn't see her in this capacity again." Wren tried to make small talk with her, but Alison wasn't having it.

All she cared about was Emily. She practically pushed past Wren when they got to her room.

Alison had never wanted to see her in a hospital bed again. She knew it would break her heart. And it did. Emily had always been a huge presence. She was solid and strong in a lot of ways. But when she was tied to a bed she looked so small.

She was hooked up to several different machines. There was a bag of blood hanging on an IV pole and several other bags with various fluids next to her bed, pumping things into her body.

"I'll give you two a few moments." Wren walked off to give them some privacy.

Alison rushed over to her bed. She was torn between kissing her and slapping her. She couldn't stop the tears from flowing. She gripped Emily's cheeks and placed an angry kiss against her lips. She kissed her several more times, because she had almost lost her. And she was so fucking angry. But she was so relieved she was alive.

"Ali…I…"

"God, you're so stupid." Alison was fuming. She took a shaky breath and tried to calm herself down. "No. I'm stupid. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry…"

Alison was kicking herself. She never should have slept with her. She never should have blurred those lines. She never should have made Emily feel unwanted.

"No." Emily cut her off. The last thing she wanted was for Alison to think it was her fault. "No, don't blame yourself. I did this. I made this choice. Not you." She reminded her. She looked at the tethers on her hands. "It wasn't anything you did. You kept me holding on longer than I would have otherwise."

"Why did you do this?" Alison growled. "What were you thinking?"

Emily looked up at her sadly. She wasn't thinking. That was the point. She wished she knew how to explain it in a way that Alison could understand. She wished she had the words to describe it. Her brain still felt like a jumbled mess, but she knew she owed it to Alison to at least try to tell her what she was going through…why it hurt so bad.

"I'd just had enough of the pain. Life…it was too loud. And I…" She swallowed hard. "I'm the one who should be sorry. You um…you weren't supposed to find me."

"What the fuck did you think was going to happen?" Alison asked, her voice cracking. "Did you think I was just going to leave you out there alone?"

"I was hoping…"

"You lied to me." Alison wiped away the tears on her face. "You promised."

"I know, but after what happened…" She shook her head. Tears leaked from her eyes. "I don't trust myself with you. I'm not good for you. I'm…I'm like a rabid dog. I just need to be put down."

"Stop that." Alison hissed at her.

"I never wanted to give you another reason to hate me."

Alison reached forward, cupping her cheeks and rubbing her thumbs underneath Emily's eyes to catch her tears.

"How could I possibly hate you?"

Emily looked up at her, a fractured and fragmented shell of the woman that Alison knew. She felt as though she'd been ground into dust, that there was nothing left of her.

"There's something wrong with me."

"There is nothing wrong with you." She grasped the side of Emily's neck, holding her gently. "And there is nothing that would ever make me hate you. You accept me after everything I've done…"

"That was different. You and your brother...that was self-defense. You didn't actively seek out to hurt anyone. But me? That's all I can ever think about. There are people that I…there's an urge I have to hurt…to kill."

"That's the mentality of war. You brought it home with you. And I understand that…"

"No. This isn't the same. I know you look at me and you see the good, but I'm not who you think I am." She muttered. "I'm more broken than you'll ever know. I swear I wanted to tell you. I should have told you."

Emily tried to move in the bed, but she couldn't because of the tethers. Alison could see they had her drugged up on all kinds of anti-psychotics. Emily sighed and quit pulling against the restraints. She looked at Alison, so beautiful and so patient.

"You asked me once why I joined the army."

Alison had assumed it was to get away from her poor home life, but she didn't know the half of it.

"You were right that day in the office during our first session. I was running." She shivered. Revisiting her past was always hard. "I was never the same after my dad died, but things were so much worse after my mom married that cop." She was shaking so hard that the bed was rattling.

Alison saw the numbers on the machine monitoring her slowly starting to climb.

"You've been through a lot. If it's too hard for you to talk right now, we can..."

"It has to be now. I have to. Because if I don't I might lose my nerve."

She knew it was only a matter of time before she completely shut down again. She knew that unless she told Alison now, she might never tell her. She tried to reach out for Alison's hand, but the restraint stopped her.

Alison noticed that Emily's hand was balling up into a fist. She gingerly put her fingers against Emily's knuckles and threaded her fingers through Emily's. The last thing she wanted her to do was pop her stitches and start bleeding out again.

She saw Emily start to relax. She curled her fingers forward. She looked into Emily's eyes. There was an unspoken exchange between them, and something clicked inside of the blonde. It was something that she knew Emily wouldn't be able to say on her own. She needed Alison to give her that push.

"He hurt you." Alison could see the pain in her eyes.

That's what she'd been trying to say in the motel room.

"It was bad when my mom was alive, but after she died it was so much worse. She died from a blood borne infection right after she had Ellie. She never came home from the hospital." Her voice was shaking. "And that left us with him. Him and his whiskey. Ethan and I took care of Ellie. We did our best. We tried to keep her sheltered. And for a while we did."

She stared at her bandaged arms, not really knowing where to look. He hadn't just abused them. He'd destroyed them.

"Ethan got the brunt of the physical stuff." She remembered one time the bastard had broken Ethan's arm after he'd tried to come to her defense. "I got knocked around here and there. But the physical abuse was far better than the other things he did to us."

Alison's heart dropped. An icy chill ran through her veins. A white hot rage burned her from the inside. She felt the flame of fire crashing into an icy structure, creating a whirlwind of ire.

"He didn't…" Alison's tone was laced with venom. He's a fucking dead man.

That's why Emily didn't like to be touched. That's why Emily pushed her away. That's why she felt unworthy. Because of what he'd done to her. Alison felt like murdering him. She felt like putting him in the ground next to her father. She thought she'd had it bad with her parents, but Christ, Emily had it horrible.

Deep down, Alison suspected it. The way Emily reacted when people touched her had been a huge red flag. It had made Alison suspicious of abuse. But she didn't want it to be true. She didn't want to believe that anyone could do that to her.

"He'd take turns with us. Make us watch. Tell us to be good or he'd make it worse for whoever was in his bed that night."

That son of a bitch. Sick fucking people existed and it just enraged Alison. She wanted to ask Emily everything about him, because she was going to find him and put a bullet in between his eyes.

No. She wanted to make him suffer first. She wanted to tie him to a chair and rip his fingernails off with pliers. She wanted to shove his head underwater until he thought he was going to die and passed out, and then wake him up and do it all over again. She wanted him to feel pain.

"I was twelve the first time."

Emily squeezed her eyes shut. All the things she'd been fighting so hard to forget were swirling around in her head. She remembered the searing pain. The noises he'd made. Her lungs feeling like they were caving in. Ethan screaming from the closet, threatening to kill him.

Twelve. Twelve fucking years old. A baby. A child. How could anyone…

"Oh, sweetie…"

"Don't." She shook Alison's hand away, not wanting pity. She hated pity. It made her feel like a victim. And she wasn't. She was a goddamn survivor. She'd become a warrior because of it. "It was worse for me to watch my brother in pain. Because at least when it was me I could just…disconnect. But when he hurt Ethan I couldn't do anything. I couldn't take his pain away. And he was always harder on Ethan."

I'm going to cut his dick off and feed it to him. Alison was irate.

She mindlessly stroked Emily's cheek, trying to comfort her. But how did you comfort someone who went through something like that? How did you make something like that better? You couldn't make it go away. The scars remained.

"One night he didn't…um…stop before he…uh…he wasn't careful. I didn't know until I missed my period the next month." She took a shaky breath. "I was terrified of what he'd do. So I told Ethan and we made an appointment. We lied about my age on all the forms, because we didn't want to be turned away." Her lips were trembling. "He held my hand when I got the abortion. And then when we went home that night…he was waiting. Ethan picked a fight with him long enough for me to get to my room and push my dresser up against the door. But I could hear the screams. It woke Ellie up. I had to cover her ears and rock her back to sleep while he was beating on our brother right outside our door. That was my life. That was what I had to live with every day. I've wanted to tell you, but I just...I couldn't."

"I will fucking kill him." Alison seethed angrily through her teeth.

She was trying to contain her anger. She didn't want to make this any harder for Emily.

Alison squeezed her hand. Emily took a breath. It was hard for her to talk about. It was hard for her to think about.

"It went on for years. We did what we could to protect each other. We even talked about running away, but Ellie was too young. And we knew that as long as he was focused on us…he wouldn't be focused on her. So we did what we had to do."

But they were babies. They were children. They shouldn't have had to live like that. No one should have to live like that.

It never should have happened. Alison felt tears stinging her eyes. Someone should have noticed. Someone should have said something. Anything.

"There was no one around to help us. There was no one we could turn to. We only had each other. My brother was my rock. He was all I had." Emily felt a tear trickling down her cheek.

Alison reached up to wipe it away. She left her palm in place. She could feel Emily's jaw chattering.

"God, Em…I don't…I don't know what to say."

In all her years of working in counseling she'd never been at the mercy of her emotions like this. But she knew it was because she was involved. She loved her.

"You don't have to say anything," Emily said softly. "I just want you to know…to understand…why I am the way that I am. It's why I'm broken."

"You're not broken. What happened to you…that wasn't…" She was floundering in her thoughts. She was heartbroken and angry and ready to set the fucking world on fire. "You were just a little girl. And he…" God, she was so fucking pissed, "…what he took from you…what he did to you…"

"That's not the worst part." Emily quietly interrupted her. "I let my guard down for one minute one day…" She let out a sob, "…he blindsided her. It was my job to protect her…and he…" She was having a hard time talking. "She had just spilled her juice. She was just trying to clean it up…"

"I'm sorry, daddy! Daddy, what did I do wrong?"

Emily huffed out a sob, squeezing her eyelids closed, a steady stream of tears cascading down her face.

"He strangled her. He locked me in a closet and he killed her…and I saw it all. I saw it, and I couldn't do a fucking thing about it."

She remembered being able to hear Ellie crying. She remembered being able to see through the tiny crack in the door. She remembered clawing at the wood so hard that her fingers started to bleed.

"I tried to get out. My hands were bleeding." She let out a shaky breath. "I couldn't stand to hear her cries. I would have walked through fire to get to her. But I was trapped. She was crying for me right up until the very end. And then…when the crying stopped…I felt this awful ache. I've been living with it ever since. Because that silence is the loudest noise I've ever heard. And it's all I hear now. All the fucking time. That fucking silence is so loud."

She remembered how he'd left them to crack open a beer. She remembered the pure heartache and rage she'd felt when Ethan had come home from work and had saved her…and the absolute agony she'd felt when she realized her sister was dead.

She remembered snapping and grabbing one of his guns, ready to kill him. He'd seen her coming and had struck her in the head with a lamp. She'd dropped the gun, but didn't falter in her attack.

"I completely lost my shit. I went after him with a fireplace poker. I got in a few whacks before he took it from me and turned it on me. He hit me twice before Ethan pulled me away. He got me out before I got myself killed. And we ran, because we knew if we stayed he'd kill us, too. And we knew he'd get away with it. He's a cop. He knows how to cover up a murder."

And that's exactly what he'd done with Ellie's death. It had become a prominent case that his fellow dirty cop buddies pinned on someone who didn't exist…a drifter coming through…a JonBenet Ramsey story. A tragedy for the father who had lost his little girl. He was painted as a victim and everyone fucking bought it.

"The night we got away he threatened to kill us if he ever saw us again. So Ethan and I disappeared. We stayed in motels for a little while, but then we decided it wasn't far enough away. We wanted to be gone gone. So…we enlisted. And for years, it was just the two of us. He's the only person in my whole life who ever gave a shit about me. He spent his entire life protecting me."

The day she'd lost him she'd lost a piece of herself. Without her brother she didn't have the will to live anymore.

"The one time I should have been able to protect him, I failed. He is only dead because I was in trouble and he came to help me. He had my back until his very last breath." She was sobbing, unable to breathe. "I failed my sister and my brother. And now I've let you down…"

"You didn't…"

"What I did to you…I'm just like that psycho my mom married. I'm no better than he was. I'm a fucking monster." She looked at Alison. "And I would rather die than to be like him."

"You are nothing like him." She was teeming with hatred and pain and anger for the girl she loved. She was so angry at the man who had twisted her into the most hurt version of herself. "And I swear to God if he ever steps foot in your life again I'll mow him down with my car."

For some reason, that got a laugh out of Emily. Alison immediately realized it was probably because Emily had fantasized about killing the guy for years.

"Ethan and I always talked about Lingchi. "Death by a thousand cuts". Chinese form of torture. I can't tell you how many times I've imagined strapping him down somewhere and making him suffer. But that would be a lot easier to do if I knew where he was. Ethan and I had been trying to keep track of him, but once we were shipped out we didn't ever think we'd be coming back. Our old place was condemned. Couldn't find a listing for him anywhere. I don't even know if he's still alive. But I feel like he is. That night at the club…the night I was drugged…" She chewed on her lip. "I swear I saw him. I feel like he's everywhere…"

"He won't get anywhere near you. Let him try."

"It's not me I'm worried about. I could never live with myself if he…if he's here and he wants to hurt me, he'll use the people I care about to do it…"

"I'll take a fucking blowtorch to him right now."

"No. You don't know who you're dealing with."

"I know he hurt someone I love. And I know I won't fucking stand for that." There was a spark of fire in her eyes. "What's the bastard's name? We're not going to let him get away with this."

"I can't…I won't drag you into this."

"You're not dragging me. I'm insisting on coming along."

They heard footsteps approaching and the conversation stopped. Wren walked in.

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to wrap it up. They'll be in to take her to Psych soon."

"Just give us one more minute." Alison pleaded.

He nodded and walked off. She waited until she heard his footsteps completely fade and then she faced Emily again.

"I don't want to go." Emily sounded exhausted, and it was hard for Alison to hear. "I don't want to be alone. Please stay with me. I want to be with you. I know I fucked everything up, but you're all I care about."

"You know I can't stay. They have to observe you for 72 hours." She saw Emily turn away and she touched her cheek. "But I will be here the second those 72 hours are up. And you're coming home with me."

"What if I lose control again?"

"You weren't yourself last night. And I know that. And you did stop. You heard me when it mattered."

"You're not safe when I'm around. I have too many demons…"

It killed Alison to hear her talk this way.

"And we'll fight those demons together." Alison reached out, brushing some of Emily's hair behind her ear. "There is no way in hell I'm letting you face this alone, Em. Because I love you."

Emily swallowed a knot in her throat and turned away.

"Hey, no…look at me when I tell you this." Somewhere along the line she had fallen for the brunette, and she'd fallen hard. "I'm in love with you. And I know you're battling something huge here. But I'm standing right beside you telling you that I want to fight with you. I want you to get better, because I want you. I want to have a life with you."

Emily wanted that, too, more than anything. But she still didn't understand why.

"Why me? I'm damaged. That's all people see when they look at me. They know I'm not normal. I can't hold your hand or tell you how I'm feeling or what you mean to me. I can't talk to you the way someone normal can…"

"Emily, I don't care about normal. What I care about is us. What you're fighting is complicated, and I understand that. It doesn't change how I feel about you. I care about you…about what you do for me, about how you make me feel. I care that you hold me when we sleep and that you touch my face and look at me when you want to say something important. I care about the times you've gone to bat for me. I care about you stepping in when I was being harassed at that bar. I care about you not judging me for what happened with my parents, and…and for being there for me when I fell apart in a pool with sub-degree temperatures."

"Could have gotten yourself killed doing that." Emily mumbled.

"The girl who almost died is lecturing me about getting myself killed?"

The raw unadulterated dark humor was surprising for Emily to hear given the circumstances. But she knew that when Alison was pissed off she didn't have a filter.

"The situations aren't even remotely close and you know it."

"You didn't abandon me when I was at my lowest. As a matter of fact, I seem to recall you making me a hangover breakfast."

"I also pulled a knife on you during that breakfast. Are we going to pretend that didn't happen?"

"You're suffering so much…"

"Was it the suicide that tipped you off?" Emily rolled her eyes.

"Trying to piss me off isn't going to work. You can bark at me all you want, Killer, but you can't push me away. You're stuck with me whether you want to be or not."

"I can't give you what you deserve. I can't give you a life."

"I don't care. Don't you get that? What we have doesn't fit into a neat little box for people to label who we are. Fuck society and their ideals of love. We're not the giggly teenagers snuggling in the movie theater. We're not the married couple ordering each other's dinner at our favorite restaurant. We're not those two lovers that have to give one another a play-by-play of our feelings. It's more than that. It runs deeper than that. I know what I feel for you, and I know you feel the same."

There was a moment of silence, a hesitation on Emily's end.

"I do," Emily said quietly. "It scares me sometimes. I…uh…I've been beaten, attacked, shot, blown up…and nothing scares me more than this…feeling. At least I think it's a feeling. I don't know. I see people trying to define it and it's confusing and I just…I don't know."

"And that's okay. Just because we don't shout it from the mountaintops doesn't mean it's not there. We don't have to talk about it, because you and I…we feel it. I don't care what anybody else thinks, because I know what we have. I know who we are together."

Emily nodded, a watery smile on her face. She'd never been able to tell Alison just how wonderful she was, but she felt every single emotion coming out of her. She always had. She'd loved her since they'd met. She'd just never been able to tell her in the right way.

"You have me. We have us. And we're going to tackle this together. I'm going to be with you every step of the way. But you have to meet me halfway here."

"I don't know how."

"Just trust me, okay?"

"Okay."

"Things are going to be different. You're going to need to do outpatient therapy. And no more alcohol," Alison said. "I'm going to get you set up with some AA meetings. And sweetie, you have to take your meds."

Emily cringed. Alison still didn't know about her liver. But she wasn't at a point where she needed to tell her yet. They had to tackle one thing at a time.

"Okay."

Alison wasn't sure if she was agreeing to it because she was so subdued or if she really meant it. But she was determined to get her back on the right track.

"I'm sorry I'm putting you through this again." Emily frowned.

Alison knew that it wasn't her. It was the disease. She was sick. Alison knew she was sick. But Emily was worth all the pain in the world. Alison would do anything for the brunette, and they both knew it. Everyone around them knew it.

"I would do anything for you, Em." Alison stroked her knuckles.

If she could move mountains for her, she would. She would do the impossible for Emily Fields.

"Me too." Emily curled her fingers around Alison's. She wanted to get better for Alison.

Alison leaned over and kissed Emily gently. She lovingly stroked her face. Emily could taste the mixture of their tears. They tasted sour, because she had caused them. But they were sweet, because they were a source of life, a source of passion and pain and everything that made life worth living. Tears showed how much people cared. It was a way for people to know they were alive. Tears separated humanity from monsters. They were human. They had a soul.

It was the heart's connection to the body, letting out a cascade of pain before the dam ruptured inside of the body.

Tears hurt. And then they healed.

The motion of Alison's lips against hers made her feel alive, and all she wanted to do was touch her. She lightly pulled against the restraints again, but then gave in, letting the taste of Alison's sweet breath against hers settle into her veins. It was going to have to be enough to get her through the next three days. She was going to have to search for the sunshine through all the storms. It was going to have to be enough. Alison was going to have to be enough.

"I'll be back as soon as I can." Alison brushed Emily's hair out of her face.

Leaving her was extremely hard. She looked like a shell of herself. Alison had seen Emily through some really tough things, but this was on a whole different level.

Alison was visibly shaken when she walked back into the waiting room.

Spencer stood up to greet her.

"Is she okay?"

Far from it.

"She's alive. That's all that matters."

"Are you okay?" Spencer asked, putting her hand on Alison's arm.

"I'm fine."

"It's fine for you to admit that you're not okay. I know what she means to you…"

"Do you?" Alison snapped angrily. "Because all I've been getting from you since I told you about her is judgement and pushback. All you've done is criticized me...criticized us."

Alison was exhausted. And she was angry. And Spencer was the closest thing for her to use as a punching bag. And Spencer understood that. So she didn't take the bait. She didn't want to fight with her. Instead she just pulled her in for a hug. And Alison was too tired to fight it, so she hugged her back, burying her face into Spencer's shoulder as she cried.

She cried for herself, but mostly…she cried for Emily. She'd been waiting for her to open up for months. She had never dreamed it would hurt this much when she did. She felt Spencer stroking the back of her head and quietly shushing her.

"Losing her is…" It pained her to think about it. "I can't even fathom it. I don't know how much more of this I can take."

"Listen…" Spencer pulled back. She thumbed away Alison's tears. "You're not going to want to hear this, but if you're not going to look out for you, someone needs to. She's drowning. You know she is. And when someone is drowning and they start to pull you down with them sometimes you have to let them go to save yourself. And that doesn't make you a bad person or selfish. It doesn't even mean that you can't still be there for her. I know this is hard. I know you feel responsible. But just because you saved her once doesn't mean you have to keep saving her."

"I'll never stop trying." Alison wiped her face.

"I worry about what this relationship is doing to you." She straightened Alison's hair, pushing a lock of it behind her ear.

"I can't stop loving her."

"I know." Spencer sighed.

That's what she'd been afraid of. Because she knew how their story ended. She knew that Alison was going to get her heart broken. And she knew there was nothing she could do to stop it. Alison and Emily were in this together. They had been in it together since the night they met. Because love wasn't rational. Love didn't care about sanity. And sometimes, love was more painful than anything else in the world.

A/N: This is by far the darkest I have ever gone with any of my stories. Depression and suicide can manifest itself in many ways. You can't stop these things from occurring, but you can be there for someone if they are behaving erratically. It's always good to ask people if they are okay. It's also important to know that no matter how much you might love someone who is suicidal, you can't bear the weight of their pain. You are never to blame.

As with all of the heavier topics I cover, I struggle with where to draw the line in fiction. It's important to talk about sexual abuse, suicide, and domestic violence. It's important to have those conversations. It's also important to show it for what it is without glorifying it. That is a VERY hard line to toe.

I have so many friends who are survivors of sexual assault and physical violence, as well as friends with depression and suicidal tendencies. I've personally suffered my own trauma in life, though I don't tend to talk about it. My friends and I have talked a lot over the years about how and when to approach these topics in writing. It always comes from a place of sensitivity and compassion, and I hope that comes across.

Several of my friends who are survivors wanted to read this particular chapter. I eventually let them (because I knew they'd find a way to anyway), with one condition…I had to be with them when they did. Afterwards we went out to eat and we talked about mental health as a whole. I made sure someone was with them that night. I didn't want them alone.

And I want anyone who might feel alone to know that you can always reach out to me. Reach out to your loved ones…as hard as it might be. If you are in a household where you are being abused in any capacity, please reach out to a lifeline. If you are feeling suicidal, please pick up the phone and call someone…anyone.