A/N: Now that Emily's past is officially out in the open, just know that there will be references to sexual assault and suicide. There will not be anything graphic. But just the mention of it can trigger survivors. So I want people to be aware of it.
The last chapter was the heaviest in this whole fic. It eases up a little from here on out. I'm not saying it's going to be a cakewalk in the park, but the previous chapter is as bad as it gets.
I also wanted to thank everyone for being so kind in the reviews. I know I say it all the time, but I had some serious reservations about doing this story...and doing it properly. I knew that there was a very real possibility that it would strike a chord, especially for anyone who has ever been through it. I just wanted to say that the comment about being a survivor really hit me, and to you and anyone else out there who has lived it...I'll always be in your corner.
Chapter 13:
The Art of Pain
Emily's stay in Psych was intense. After years of repressing her pain she had finally hit rock bottom.
The physical aspect was brutal. Not only was she feeling the weight of her psychosis, but her liver values were elevated so she was sick to her stomach. She had told Alison almost everything before she was taken to Psych, but she'd left that out.
Her psychosis was worse than her liver being inflamed. The panic of being strapped down made her psychically sick, because she was seeing things that weren't there…and she couldn't fight back. Every time one of the doctors or nurses touched her, though they were gentle, she saw him and she panicked.
She was constantly sweating through her hospital gown. She threw up several times. She had tremors when she was awake and she thrashed around in bed when she was asleep. She felt like she was dying, and she hated the irony of feeling like death without actually dying.
Her nightmares were so realistic that she couldn't tell when she was awake and when she was asleep. She saw things in the shadows. She saw the faces of the people she'd seen die in battle. She saw the trauma of her childhood.
Then she saw her family. All of them…gone…living on in some eternal afterlife without her. It was like death was taunting her. It's like it was an unobtainable goal.
The worst part of her hallucinations was when she was forced to face the memories of him. She could feel his hands around her neck. She could feel him suffocating her. She couldn't escape. And she couldn't fight back because she was tied down.
She struggled. She cried. She screamed.
The nurses and doctors tried to bring her down from it, but it was no use. She knew they couldn't help her.
The one person she needed was locked out. But that didn't mean she didn't cry out for her. When she wasn't screaming she was calling her name. She begged. She pleaded. Sometimes she hallucinated that she was there with her.
She needed Alison.
She tried to hold on to the kiss they'd shared right before Alison had left her hospital room, but she was so lost in her mind she wasn't sure that had even happened. She wasn't sure what was real and what wasn't.
Minutes felt like hours. Hours felt like days. It got worse when they extended her stay from three days to five days.
When Alison found out she threw a fit. She knew that Emily wasn't doing well, but she also knew that she needed her. Being away from her was hard. All she wanted to do was hold her. She wanted to make sure she was okay, even though she knew she was not okay.
They had to wait another agonizing forty-eight hours before they were able to see each other again. But Alison kept her promise. She was there the second Emily could have visitors.
Emily didn't say anything when she saw her. She thought it was another one of her hallucinations.
"You're not real." Emily stared at her.
Alison reached out and touched her hand. When Emily didn't pull away, Alison knew it was okay to push it further. She leaned down and pressed a kiss against her lips. Emily felt a spark in her chest. She leaned up off of the mattress and pushed into the embrace. When she pulled back she moved her palm away from the bed.
The first thing she realized is that she was untethered. The second thing she realized was that she could feel her. She could physically feel her.
Alison sat against the edge of her bed. Emily squeezed Alison's hand. When she felt the pain of her stitches pulling against her arm she realized it wasn't a hallucination.
Emily moved over and tugged on her hand. What she needed was to feel Alison's body against hers. And Alison understood that without her having to ask. She scooted next to her. Emily's body was hot against hers. She was like a furnace.
Emily wrapped her arms around her. It was the only human contact she'd wanted for the past five days. She drank her in. She felt the smoothness of her skin. She inhaled the scent of her shampoo. She cradled her, rubbing her palm against Alison's arm.
Alison closed her eyes, and for a few brief moments she forgot where they were. She felt like they were at home, Emily spooning her, always the big spoon. The brunette always wanted to be wrapped around her, as if her embrace could protect her from the entire world.
"Ali?" Emily asked.
Alison opened her eyes, and the vision of their home was gone. She stared at the pastel walls. They were supposed to be calming. But to Alison they just felt kind of dull. Alison wiggled in her arms, rolling so they were facing each other.
"Yeah?"
"I want to go home."
Alison had never heard Emily refer to her house as 'home' before. She liked the sound of it. But unfortunately she couldn't take her home. Not yet. Her doctor had advised that she go to a facility for mental health services. He'd recommended two weeks of inpatient therapy and two weeks of outpatient therapy, which wasn't a surprise to Alison. She knew that Emily was going to need extensive therapy.
"I know. But you have to get a little more help first."
"I'm so tired of help." It felt like the more people helped, the worse she felt. "I don't want to talk about my feelings. I don't want to sit around and reminisce about all the shit I went through."
It just made things harder for her. It's not like they could give her a pill to make her forget the violence and the assault. It's not like talking about any of it would change it.
"You don't have a choice. This has been killing you for years. It's not going to get any better unless you face it. You have to find a better way to cope. You can't stop the bleeding unless you find the source."
Emily knew she was right. That was basic medical training. She'd applied it various times over the years for physical injuries. But wounds that weren't visible to the naked eye were the real nefarious injuries. Because they bled and festered without anyone knowing until they slowly killed you.
"It hurts." It hurt so fucking much. Everything hurt. Her thoughts. Her memories. She couldn't close her eyes without seeing death. "I don't want to have these thoughts."
"I know."
There was a quiet pause. Emily was drawn into Alison's eyes. She had missed her eyes. She had missed looking at her. She never realized how much she took her beauty for granted. She looked into Alison's eyes and she saw the calmness of a cool summer day, but the unforgiving passion of the deep blue ocean. She imagined if she was in space looking down upon the Earth, it still wouldn't be half as beautiful as Alison's eyes.
She looked at her and she saw so much. She saw the pain she'd caused. She saw the determination she had. She saw the love she held in her heart. She was terrified she was going to disappoint her...that she would cause those beautiful blue eyes to fill with tears and despair again.
"I don't know if this is something I can come back from." Emily put her palm against Alison's neck. God, she'd missed touching her.
"You can." Alison strummed her fingers through Emily's hair. "You're one of the strongest people I've ever met."
"I think you're one of the most remarkable." Emily cupped Alison's cheek.
Alison met Emily's gaze. Their lips brushed together in a sensual kiss. When they pulled away Alison could see a world of pain in her expression. She had let her guard down completely. She had let Alison in. And Alison could see how much it hurt her…how hard it was for her.
Telling Alison the truth had lifted a weight off of her chest. But at the same time it had added a different kind of pressure. She was worried that Alison might look at her differently. She didn't want to be seen as weak or vulnerable. She didn't want sympathy or pity. The fact that Alison knew what she'd been through was daunting, because she didn't want Alison to see her scars.
"I've never talked to anyone about this. Ethan was the only one who knew. You're the first person I ever told." She was the first person she'd ever trusted. "I don't…I don't know if I can do that with some stranger."
It broke Alison's heart to hear it. To have to hold on to something like that…no wonder she was spinning out.
She wanted nothing more than to take Emily's pain away. But she hadn't been able to do that by herself. That was part of her problem. She thought she could solve problems she didn't even know existed. She thought she could take on the world and win.
"I love you, Em. But you need more help than I can give you. And it's because I love you that I can admit that." Alison knew that she was too invested to be able to look at things with an unbiased perspective.
She knew that Emily needed her as her partner, not as her therapist. She knew she had to take a step back and breathe. She couldn't give Emily the help she needed, and she was okay with that. Because she could give her something more. She could give her the support she needed.
"I don't want to do it alone. Will you be with me?"
"I've been with you the whole time." Alison traced her fingers against Emily's cheek. "I'm not going anywhere."
They moved in for another kiss. Every motion felt so surreal to Emily. After everything she'd done, she still had Alison's love.
"I can't believe you're still here."
"I always will be."
Emily smiled at her.
"How can you still look at me like that?"
"Like what?"
"Like you haven't seen the things I'm capable of? Like I'm beautiful and unblemished."
"Because to me, you are beautiful and unblemished." Alison stroked her fingers through Emily's hair. "You once told me that the demons we have in our past are not a reflection of who we are in the present. You remember that? It was right after I told you the truth about Jason. You made me feel whole and loved. And I want that for you, too. I love you regardless. Because no matter who you are, you are beautiful to me." Alison cradled her cheeks. "And I know that scares you. But I'm here. And I want to help. I want you to let me help."
Emily grumbled. The last thing she wanted to do was drudge everything up and talk to some stranger about it. But Alison was right. She clearly needed help. She needed to talk about her past.
So with Alison's help, she let herself be vulnerable. She agreed to the therapy. She agreed to everything. Because she was afraid she'd lose more than her life if she didn't. She was afraid she'd lose Alison.
Emily had a team of psychiatrists working with her when she was transferred to the mental health facility.
Alison was true to her word. She was with her every step of the way. Sometimes it helped, but sometimes it hindered her. There were times she started to talk about the things her stepfather had done and she thought about the images she was conjuring up in Alison's head…and she felt guilty. Because she didn't want Alison to have to live with it, too.
Alison reassured her. She held her hand when she started to shake in anger. She wiped her tears when she cried in frustration. She told her she was there.
There were times Emily asked her to leave the room. And Alison always respected her wishes.
The hardest sessions for Emily were the hypnosis based ones. One of her psychiatrists would sedate her and have her tap into her memories as a way to help her get the subconscious pain out. She always broke out of it screaming and in the midst of a panic attack. She knew she had a long road ahead, but she didn't give up.
The more Alison heard the angrier she got. She had never hated anyone more than she hated the man who had hurt Emily and her siblings. She tried to get Emily to tell her who he was, but Emily wouldn't name him, so Alison dug into it on her own.
She assumed that given the circumstances around Ellie's death she'd be able to pull up a news story and get all the information she needed, but all she found was incomplete articles that only named Ellie by her first name. Every picture she saw was the same school portrait with her last name blurred out.
She was an adorable little girl with dark hair and brown eyes. Alison couldn't get over how much she looked like Emily. The only difference was that she had lighter skin.
Alison looked into Ellie's bright eyes and she was irate. She was irate that she was dead. She was irate that Emily had watched her die. She saw a world of promise snuffed out. And she also thought about how it could have been Emily. Emily could have been the one who died. She knew that Emily wished it had been her. She'd told Alison numerous times she wanted to trade places with her sister. And Alison didn't doubt that she would.
Every single article she found about Ellie's death had the same information:
"The names of immediately family will not be released at the request of the family and in coordination with the police department, as this is an ongoing investigation."
It seemed impossible that someone hadn't managed to get the full scoop. Then again, she knew how gag orders worked. She knew that if this man was a cop, he would have had a tight leash around the whole thing. He'd controlled the whole damn show.
Alison slammed her palms down angrily on her desk, nearly knocking her laptop to the ground.
"I'm going to fucking kill him." She said it at least twice a day. It was her mantra.
When she didn't get anywhere with the investigation on her own she knew she had to ask for help.
Initially, she wanted to ask Spencer. She thought that maybe Spencer could get her hands on the police report, but she knew it would be risky. Not only could it put Spencer's career in jeopardy, but if she happened to find the bastard and he ended up dead Spencer would know exactly what happened. Spencer was already sniffing out the truth about the night her parents were killed. She didn't outright ask Alison, but Alison got the feeling that she knew.
Alison knew there was only one person she could trust with her secrets. So she filled out the paperwork and made the long drive out to the penitentiary to see her brother.
o ~ O ~ o
Jason noticed how frazzled she was immediately. He had no idea what Alison had been going through with Emily.
"What's wrong?" He asked the second the officer walked out of the room.
Alison turned around to make sure the door was closed. She knew that the officers visually monitored the room, but she knew they didn't listen because some violation of privacy clause.
"They can't hear us, right?"
"Even if they could they don't give a shit." Jason shrugged. "I guarantee you Pudgy the Pig is on his phone right now, swiping right on some piece of ass who will never give him the time of day."
They waited to see if there was any reaction, but the cop wasn't even looking at them. He was on his phone, probably doing exactly what Jason said.
"So, what's up?" Jason faced her.
Alison felt bad. She didn't get to see her brother very often. She felt like she was using him. But he was the only person she trusted enough to talk to.
"I need a favor." She hated coming to him like this, especially after everything he'd done for her.
"Don't know how much I can do for you in here." Jason lifted his shackles and chuckled.
"Do you still have that contact that can find people and…fix things?"
Fix was a relative term. It's something Jason had told her about elite special forces. Basically, they were assassins.
"Why?" He asked, his eyes wide. "Did someone hurt you?" He balled his hands into fists. "Who?"
"It's not for me. It's for Emily."
It took a moment for Jason to register the name.
"Emily…that's the girl you've been dating, right?"
"God, Aria and her big mouth. I'm going to kill her."
"You don't have to feel weird about it." Jason reached out to touch her hand, but the restraints stopped him. She put her hand on top of his, glancing to make sure the cop wasn't looking to reprimand them. "I know mom and dad did a number on you, but you don't have to hide who you are from me."
"I know."
"Aria says she's retired military. Is that what this is about? Is she in some kind of trouble?"
"No. It's not what you think. And she has no idea I'm doing this. If she did she would blow a gasket."
She'd already blown several gaskets. Alison didn't need to add to that.
"I don't know…"
"I need this. Someone hurt her. And I need to make sure he's as far away from her as possible. In the ground. I never want him to be able to hurt her again."
He saw something in her expression…a pain that radiated off of her. It was an anger he'd seen on her face before…the night she'd killed their parents.
"You really care about this girl, huh?" he asked.
"I love her. I would do anything for her. I know you, of all people, understand that."
Jason nodded. There was no one else in the world he would rot in jail for. After he joined the army his parents had taken all their aggression they'd been taking out on him and shifted it over to Alison. If he had stayed things could have been so different. His little sister deserved a shot at a normal life.
"What did this person do to her?"
"I'd prefer just to keep that between us." Alison frowned, but she couldn't hide her rage. "Let's just say…imagine dad, but worse."
Jason's lip curled into a snarl. Even though their father was dead and buried Jason would never forgive him for what he'd done to his little sister.
"All right. What's this fucker's name?"
Alison looked around the room, paranoid that they were being watched. She leaned forward and lowered her voice.
"She won't tell me. But I have her information, so I thought maybe at the very least someone could find out more about her past and dig it up."
Jason didn't like where this was going. He knew Emily was military. He knew that there was a reason she was being vague about this man. It told him just how dangerous the situation could get.
"You ever stop to consider that there is a reason she won't give up his name?"
"Oh, I know the reason. But I don't give a shit. I don't care how scary he is. Because as scary as he might be, I'm pretty fucking scary myself when I'm pissed off."
Jason didn't argue. He'd been on the receiving end of her hurling barbies at his head when she was little.
"Just wanted you to make sure you knew what you were getting in to." He shrugged. "So, what are we working with?"
"Her name is Emily Fields. Her dad was killed in a mass shooting in front of her when she was six."
"Fuck. That's rough. No wonder she ran off to join the army."
"That's not why." Alison shook her head. "Her mom remarried some psychopath. He's the one who hurt her. After her mother died he was awful to her and her brother and sister."
"She's got siblings? We could definitely pull information from them…"
"She's the only one left. Her older brother Ethan was killed overseas and her little sister Ellie was killed by her stepfather. He got away with it. That's who I need to find."
"Christ." Jason muttered to himself. "I bet that was the Ellie that Aria was talking about the last time she was here. I think I was overseas at the time, but I remember hearing stories about some kid killed back home." He made a face. "Something like that would be all over the news. His name isn't in any of the stories?"
"Not that I could find. It all says a lot of the same thing…that the family was 'requesting privacy' and that it was 'an ongoing investigation'. For all I know he changed his name and went into hiding."
"My guy should be able to track it."
Alison looked at the stone cold expression on his face, and she felt a moment of hesitation. She was sitting in a prison visitation room across from the only person in her life who had always been there for her. And she was asking him to break the law for her…again.
She felt like a monster.
But then she pictured Emily…sitting in a pool of her own blood. She thought about the self-destructive thoughts…the feelings of absolute worthlessness. And she thought about the man who had tortured her. Emily's childhood had been nothing but pain. She thought about how it must have felt for Emily to feel suffocated and trapped and not be able to escape. She thought about the pain she'd endured over the years. She imagined how awful it must have been. She imagined her cries.
Only she didn't have to imagine them. She'd heard them in her night terrors.
She thought about how afraid she was…and about how brave she'd been. She'd stood up to him, even though it had almost gotten her killed. She fought like hell. That's who she was. She was a fighter.
But she was losing the one fight that mattered. She was losing the battle in herself. Alison blinked and she saw the blood running down Emily's arms.
"I'm too fucked up." Emily legitimately thought she was too fucked up to live.
He had done that to her. He was the cause of everything terrible in her life. He hurt her. He had killed her little sister in cold blood. He pushed her out of the house and into the army. He was the reason Emily's brother was dead. He was the reason Emily had nightmares about her squad being blown to bits. He was the reason she flinched every time someone touched her.
Her hesitation passed. Jason was already in jail and there was nothing she could do about it. And he could help her.
"You okay?" he asked softly.
"Yeah." She rubbed her temple. "I just don't like the idea of any of this coming back on you."
"What are they going to do? Throw me in jail?" He lifted his brows.
"Jase, there's one more thing about this…" Alison frowned. "This guy…he was a cop. So please be careful. If anyone finds out about this…"
"I can handle myself."
"I don't doubt that. But I don't want it to come to that."
She took a moment to really look at her brother. He'd maintained his physical stature. In fact he'd been getting bulky and buff over time, but mentally she could see him fading away. He was a former shell of who he'd been when he was younger.
"How are you? No bullshit." Alison asked.
Jason took a calculated breath and lifted his brows.
"Well, I'm the prison chess champion. And I play a mean game of checkers, too." He chuckled. Alison glared at him. "I'm fine, Ali. Everything is fine."
"Is it really fine or are you just telling me that because you know that's what I want to hear?"
"God, how does Emily put up with your psychology BS?" He gave her a hard time.
"She doesn't."
"I like this girl."
"You would. You really would if you met her. You're both ridiculously stubborn and drive me crazy. And you both refuse to accept my help."
"I don't need your help."
That irritated her. Because Emily was the same way. And now she was locked up in a fucking mental hospital with self-inflicted gashes in her arms and screaming her way out of hypnosis.
"Yeah, you've made that perfectly clear over the years." Alison rolled her eyes. "What's happening with the inquiry? Are they still digging?"
"They've got nothing. Nothing more can be done with the case. They can't try me for the same crime twice. And they can't pull you into it because there is nothing tying you to it. You got rid of the clothes you were wearing. The cops didn't check you for gun powder residue. And I made sure your prints weren't anywhere on the gun. It was my prints on the bullets and the weapon."
"What about perjury?"
"They can't prove anything. I've been over this a hundred times with my attorney. The prosecutors are going to give up. They're only looking because they're bored and need something to do while they wait on their next big case. You're overthinking this. Let's just focus on one thing at a time, okay? Something major is obviously happening with your girlfriend, or you wouldn't be here asking Godfather level favors. Trying to redirect your attention to my problems isn't going to make whatever is happening with her magically disappear. So tell me, how bad is it?"
Alison felt a stinging sensation in her nose as she fought back tears.
"She's in the hospital. She slit her wrists."
Everyone else freaked out when they heard it. Spencer. Cece. Even Aria, who had been around suicide attempts before. Hanna lost her damn mind. Mona and Charles had to talk her down from a panic attack. No one knew how to react, because it was Emily. They knew Emily.
But Jason just sat there silently. He understood that urge on a deep level. He understood what it meant to bring war back with you. He knew that feeling of holding something sharp just a little too tight and thinking about drawing blood. He knew how strong the urge was to take a gun and want to pull the trigger so badly that it physically hurt.
"Is she going to be okay?"
"I don't know. She is in so much pain." She leaned back and put her hands in her lap, fidgeting with her fingers. "You know, I thought we had it rough. I got so wrapped up in my own shit that I didn't stop to consider that there were people out there going through things just as bad…and worse. At least, not until I started up at the hotline. Looking back, I can't believe how self-involved I was in high school…"
"Hey, don't discredit what you went through. What mom and dad did to you was really fucked up."
"I know. But it could have been so much worse. If…" Alison didn't like thinking about it. She squirmed uncomfortably in her chair, "…if you hadn't come home and Darren had forced me into marriage and…and all that other shit he was planning…I could easily be where Emily is. Or on the other side of these bars. Sometimes I think I should be."
"Look, kid, you're meant to be out there. I'm meant to be in here. You're making a hell of a difference doing what you do. If the roles were reversed I could guarantee you I wouldn't be doing anything worthwhile to contribute to society. I'd be piss drunk in a bar somewhere," Jason said. "Things worked out this way because they were supposed to. You started your life because of it. You save lives because of it. And you found Emily because of it. This is your path."
"You seem so sure."
"I've had a lot of time to think in this place." Jason looked around the poorly lit room. "And one thing I never thought twice about is if we're where we're supposed to be. Because I know. Just like I know that this girl means something to you…" He saw something in her eyes, and he added, "…I'm not stupid, Alison. I can see the way your eyes light up when you talk about her. You're in love with her…and I know her love and the hotline are the only things keeping you from walking into a police station and telling the truth."
"You don't know how many times I've driven to the precinct and stared at the building thinking about doing exactly that."
"But you never will. You know that you're serving your sentence out there. You're just doing it in a positive way. Just think of how many lives you've saved."
"How much did Aria tell you about how I met Emily?" Alison asked.
"She didn't have to tell me that you saved Emily's life. Because you're sitting in front of me telling me that you would kill for her. And I know what that feels like."
Alison reached out and touched Jason's hand, but only briefly, because if Pudgy the Pig happened to look up from his phone and saw them breaking the physical contact rule, Jason would be the one to get reprimanded for it.
"You've been through a lot." Jason looked at his little sister. He could see how tired she was. "Are you taking care of yourself, too?"
"Now you're playing the psychologist?" Alison gave him a hard time.
"Seriously, tell me you're talking to someone. I know you're usually the one pulling people out of the deep end, but that doesn't mean you don't need a life preserver every now and then."
"I have bi-weekly sessions I go to." Alison put his mind at ease. "Spencer practically bulldozed me into it." She paused and then laughed. "And when I ignored Spencer she sicced Cece on me."
"Ooh. Bet that was brutal." He knew Cece didn't play around.
"She called me an obstinate idiot child with a martyr complex and told me if I didn't get a shrink for my brain that she'd personally lobotomize me," Alison said with a deadpan expression on her face.
Her friends had been right that she also needed help, but that didn't mean she wasn't still pissed at them and that she couldn't sulk about it.
"Damn." He whistled, impressed. "Maybe we should sic her on this guy."
"None of them know anything about this. They know that Emily is in dire straits. But they don't know anything about this. You're the only person I've told." She chewed on her lip. "Emily told me everything she told me in confidence. And if she finds out…"
"She won't." Jason interrupted her before she could spin out. "I'll handle it."
"And what about the people sniffing around in our past?"
"It will all work itself out. I promise. I will always protect you. Always. I've got your back."
"Yeah, but who has got yours?"
"I have quick reflexes. We're going to be fine, sis."
"I love you, Jason."
"Love you, too, kid.
Alison stayed with him for another hour before she was kicked out. She always felt helpless when she left her brother behind. She knew that Jason had a point about her life. She had started her outreach work because of him. In a way, he was making as much of a difference as she was. She never would have found her way without him.
The drive back to town was always hard. But knowing that she was going back to Emily made it a little easier.
Emily was almost done with her inpatient therapy. She hated every second of being caged up like an animal. The psychiatrists made her feel like a lab rat. Or maybe life made her feel like a lab rat…like she was just running around endlessly, no escape.
The therapy was supposed to be helping, but she didn't feel much of a difference. She just felt numb. Everyone kept telling her that was normal…that it took time and work. It required a lot of effort on Emily's part. And she was exhausted. The only thing that kept her from giving up was Alison.
The look she'd seen on Alison's face in the hospital haunted her. She didn't remember much about that night, but she remembered that. The last thing she'd ever wanted to do was cause her pain.
She had been so distraught about what she'd done to Alison in her drunken haze that she'd had a complete psychological break. She didn't remember going back to her motel or cutting her wrists. She only remembered feeling the cold steely claws of death.
She faintly recalled Alison holding her while she was bleeding. The girl refused to let her go, in so many ways.
Emily leaned back in the cheap busted recliner that passed for furniture in her room and yawned. She was supposed to be working on her breathing exercises, but every time she closed her eyes all she could see was blood. She could see rivers of it, and she could feel it flowing through her body. It made her itch.
When Alison walked in she saw her squirming in her chair.
Emily heard her footsteps and her eyes popped open. She felt immediate relief.
"Hey." Emily smiled.
"Hey. Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you."
"It's fine. I wasn't really trying to sleep. The meds they have me on make me groggy as hell." She stood up to greet her.
She took Alison's hands. They always felt so warm in hers. They leaned in for a kiss.
"How are you?" Alison stayed close, her eyes boring into Emily's.
"I'm having the time of my life on this five star vacation."
"Emily." Alison sharpened her tone. She reached up and gently grabbed Emily's face, forcing her to face her.
Emily blinked and Alison could see her pain. She could see what Emily had to live with every single day. And she understood it.
"It's hard," Emily said.
"The therapy?"
There was a beat of silence before Emily answered.
"Living."
"Hey, it's going to get better."
Emily moved to sit on her bed. She crossed her legs in front of her, giving Alison room to sit. Alison sat on the bed next to her. She reached out and caressed her face.
Emily peered away sheepishly, unable to look Alison in the eyes. Just the fact that this girl was still here…still actively involved…that she still loved her after everything…it was enough to make Emily feel a glimmer of hope. She couldn't believe everything she'd put Alison through. The night terrors. The lies. The drinking. That night.
Jesus, that fucking night. Did I ever tell her I was sorry?
Emily looked down at the floor. She clamped her hands together and drew her elbows close to her body.
"I don't know if I've told you how sorry I am about that night." She slowly lifted her eyes.
"I knew you were hurting. I just wish I'd known how much. I'm just glad I found you before…"
"No. Not that." Emily shook her head. "Well, yeah, that too." She couldn't imagine how traumatizing it was for Alison to find her like that, again. "But…what I did to you before I took off. I had no right. You told me to stop and I should have stopped. I should have listened to you."
She had lost count of the number of times her pleas for her stepfather to stop had fallen on deaf ears. It devastated her to know that she'd done the same thing to Alison. She took a shaky breath.
"What I did was not okay. And I want you to know that I will never hurt you like that again."
"I know." Alison put her hand on Emily's knee.
The truth was, Emily hadn't hurt her that night. In that moment, Alison had been more stunned than she was afraid. Emily had caught her off-guard and she'd spooked her, but Alison had gotten the situation under control before Emily had a chance to truly hurt her.
She wasn't completely defenseless. She wasn't afraid to throw a few punches. And she also had Lupo. Though he'd been outside at the time, if she had called out for him that dog would have come running in like a bulldozer and gotten in between them. He loved Emily, but Alison was his person.
"What happened doesn't make you a bad person. It doesn't make you like him. You're not the same. The situations weren't even remotely the same."
"I know, but…"
"No. Not a chance in hell. You are everything he's not. You're beautiful. You're brave. You're kind. You are selfless." So selfless that the thought of hurting someone she loved had driven her to the point of suicide. "You're not a monster, Emily. You're a fucking warrior who slays monsters. He doesn't get to take that away from you. He doesn't get to control you."
"He's still out there somewhere." And as long as he was out there roaming free she knew that no one she cared about was safe.
"And if I ever see him I'll do to him exactly what I did to my father and Darren."
"I already told you I don't want you involved. Promise me you won't go looking for him, Ali." Emily grabbed her arm.
A little too late for that. Alison stared at Emily's fingers against her forearm.
Her grip was firm, but not aggressive. Alison despised this man. That he still had this much power over Emily, that he instilled this much fear in her.
"I'm not fucking around. He's dangerous, do you understand me?"
"Fine. I won't go looking for him."
It technically wasn't a lie. She wouldn't be the one searching. She trusted that her brother would be discreet.
"How are your treatments going?" Alison gently tried to shift the subject.
"I get a lollipop when I'm a good girl." Emily smiled sarcastically.
Alison couldn't help but smile back. Emily's smile could light up a goddamn black hole.
"The treatments, they're…okay. Some of it is bullshit, but they do offer some really good ways to stay balanced and healthy and all that other stuff. The therapy…" She tensed up, "…it's kind of a mixed bag. I have a lot of shit in my head and letting people poke around in there…it's hard. But I'm doing it." For you. She'd do anything for Alison.
"Good."
"How about you? How are you doing?" Emily questioned. "I know I'm not the only one who went through something traumatic here. I know you're hurting, too."
"I'm just glad you're okay. That's enough for me." Alison feigned a smile.
Emily knew it was a lie. She could read Alison like a book.
"Alison…" She reached out and touched her hand, linking their fingers together. "You're not okay. I know you're not. Because I know what it's like to watch someone you love dying."
Alison froze. It was the first time Emily had acknowledged their love.
"I put you through hell," Emily stroked Alison's arm with her free hand. "And we need to talk about it."
Alison licked her lips nervously. She was worried that she would say the wrong thing. She didn't want Emily to have a setback in therapy.
"I know you're worried about me." Emily could see it written all over her face. "But you don't have to walk around on eggshells here. This is part of the therapy. I have to live with what I did…and how it affected you. I have to hold on to those feelings of discomfort, because I need to remember that I didn't just hurt myself that night. I hurt everyone I care about. So you can yell at me and call me stupid and selfish. Because I understand. I understand that my actions have consequences."
Alison still didn't respond.
"It's okay if you're mad at me. I'm mad at me. I was…desperate. I wasn't thinking. I was surrounded by the dark, and I couldn't find my way out. You were right that day I broke down about Ellie. I was lost. I was at a point where even if you had been there with the brightest light in the world, I would still be lost."
"What I remember most isn't the anger…" Alison faced her, her eyes distant. "And believe me, I was angry. I still am. But I understand that it wasn't you. You weren't trying to hurt me. You were trying to protect me. You thought I'd be better off without you, am I right?"
Emily nodded, lowering her eyes, trying to hide her shame. But Alison lifted her chin up, and forced her to hold her head high.
"You were wrong. You're not dangerous. You're not a burden. You're not anything that voice in your head makes you think you are."
"I just thought…"
"I know what you thought." Alison interrupted her. "I saw the outcome of it, remember?"
"I feel guilty about that."
"Good. I want you to remember that feeling if you ever think about doing it again." Alison lowered her hand and put it against Emily's bicep. "What do you remember? Let's start with that." She slid her fingers towards Emily's bandages.
"Waking up on a gurney tied to a bed." Emily stared at Alison's fingers. Something about her touch brought back flashes of that night.
"Do you remember anything about the motel room?"
Emily's eyes narrowed in concentration. Normally, she would be running from the memory, but it bothered her that she'd stored it away. That was her problem in the first place: repressing things. They always came back to bite her in the ass. And it always seemed to hurt Alison the most, and Emily didn't want to keep hurting her.
"I broke the mirror. I remember that. And then I was just…it was all black. I…I know I drifted in and out."
She continued to stare at Alison's fingers, and for a brief moment they flashed red with blood.
"Ali, I hurt you."
"You didn't hurt me."
"I was awake when you found me."
"Barely." Alison laid her palm against her neck, trying to make sure she felt grounded.
"You put the tourniquets on and tried to keep me from passing out." Emily's memory was hazy. "It's…it's kind of fuzzy after that."
Alison took a breath and tried to stay in control of her emotions.
"You begged me to let you die. You told me you weren't worth it. That you were too fucked up…" Tears filled Alison's eyes.
Emily didn't remember that night, but Alison would never forget it.
"Ali…" Emily said softly. She caressed her cheek and looked at her sympathetically. "I'm so sorry."
"I couldn't stand the thought of losing you…"
"I'm not going to lose you," Alison had told her. Emily remembered hearing it.
Emily couldn't remember everything, but she remembered bits and pieces.
"I'm poison. You aren't safe with me. You'll never be safe. I don't deserve you."
"How could I have possibly said those things?" Emily grimaced.
"Because you believed them at the time. You didn't think you deserved anyone." A tear slipped down Alison's face, rolling down her cheek and against the side of her lips. Emily reached up to wipe it away. "I'll tell you exactly what I told you then. And I want you to hear me this time."
She gripped Emily's hand and moved forward until their foreheads were touching. She held her face tenderly and pushed her lips against Emily's.
"I love you, Emily. I'm yours. I want to be yours." She exhaled a shaky breath against her face. "You are wanted. And I want you to hold on for me."
Neither one of them could contain their tears. Their bittersweet sobs echoed in the room.
"That night the world stopped moving for you. But you're still here. We're still here. The world is still moving and you're still holding on. And I won't let you fall into the darkness." She pulled back, gripping Emily's face, wiping away her tears.
"I'm trying, Ali. I really am. I'm trying so hard to become the woman you deserve."
"Sweetie, you've always deserved me." She looked around for a mirror before she remembered where they were. Of course they wouldn't put something glass in a room where a post-suicidal patient was staying. "When we look in the mirror, we see the worst parts of ourselves. We're all guilty of doing it…looking at the imperfections without realizing the true beauty we have. We can't see what others see."
Alison moved closer, holding her cheek, coveting everything about her. Her soft brown eyes. Her chiseled jaw line. Her flawless skin. Her curved plump lips. But that's not what made Emily beautiful. What made her beautiful was her soul. It had been so damaged, but it still persisted.
"You still don't see yourself the way I see you." Her eyes met Emily's. "And that breaks my heart. Finding you in that bathroom…" Her voice broke, "I thought you were dead. I thought I hadn't made it in time. And I think about how if I had been one minute later or if Spencer and I had taken one wrong turn…"
"I should have called you. I should have called you like I promised." Emily moved forward, pushing her forehead against Alison's. She closed her eyes and took a breath, just taking in the scent of her.
"I know now why you didn't." Alison slipped her palm down against the side of Emily's neck. "Because that night we were perfect strangers. You didn't know me."
Emily cocked her head in confusion.
"That girl in the motel room covered in blood…" Alison shivered. "I didn't recognize her." She peered at Emily, her eyes gleaming with tears. "It wasn't you, Em. I know it wasn't you. It was your pain. It was your losses. It was the carnage and bloodshed. It was…him." She growled the last word under her breath.
Because all of Emily's pain and turmoil could be traced back to what he did to her. He'd taken advantage of a grieving mother. He'd wormed his way into Emily's life and had done horrible things to her. It had pushed her into running away. It had pushed her into the army. It had pushed her into her drinking. He was the reason she never felt safe. He was the reason she screamed at night and suffered during the day.
"I fucked up," Emily said after a quiet pause.
"No. It fucked you up. It kicked you when you were down. But that's not going to happen again. Because I'm sitting right here telling you that I see you." She gripped her cheeks. "And I want you to look at me. I want you to look and know that no matter what, I will always see you. You feel invisible, like no one sees your pain. But I do. Tell me you understand that."
"I do, more than you realize. You're the only person in the world I can see. You mean so much to me. And I never want to hurt you again. I want you to know that I'm going to try…every day. For you. For us."
Alison leaned forward and their lips met. When they pulled away, one of Alison's hands moved down over Emily's. She gripped her fingers.
"I want you to promise me one thing," Emily said.
"Anything."
"Don't forget to take care of yourself, too. I know you have a habit of burying your pain and working on everyone else. But you've gone through this pain with me. And I know how hard it is."
"I've been talking to a therapist." Alison eased her mind.
"Cece got to you, huh?" Emily chuckled.
It was the first laughter they'd shared in a long time.
"Yeah." Alison laughed. "Jason said we should hire her to be an enforcer."
"How is your brother?" Emily asked.
"Oh, um…" Alison fidgeted uncomfortably. If Emily knew what she'd gone to see Jason about it would not end well. "He's good."
Emily noticed the tension in her stance.
"Yeah, totally not buying that." Emily put her palm against Alison's arm. "Rough visit?"
"No." Alison vehemently denied it. "I mean…yeah. Always. It's not easy seeing him like that. But he's okay. Really. He's lording his title of chess champion over the other inmates."
Emily smiled. She had never met Jason, but she knew she liked the guy. He was everything her squad had been overseas. Protective. Loyal. Cocky as fuck.
"I used to play chess overseas. Ezra…you remember, Nicole's fiancé?"
"The baker."
"Yeah. He was really good at those strategy games. We used to spend all of our time coming up with strategies on how to find and fight the people who took Nicole. And this other guy in my squad…Noel. He was a real fucking dickhead, but he was smart as hell. We'd go at it with our battle of wiles for hours."
Emily did something she rarely ever did when she was talking about her time overseas. She smiled.
"You didn't flinch." Alison pointed out.
"Huh?"
"You mentioned your time overseas and you didn't pull away."
"I've been working with Doctor Sullivan. Some new brain re-wiring technique shit. It's helping a little with some of my memories."
"Good." Alison could barely contain her excitement. "That's great."
"Don't have a big old orgasm over it yet. I'm still pretty fucked up."
"But you're opening up. That's a huge step, Em."
They were going in the right direction, and they both knew it.
o ~ O ~ o
Alison supported her every step of the way. Over the next several days she was Emily's biggest cheerleader. Emily even made a quip about wanting to see her in a skirt wielding pompoms.
When Emily was released from the hospital she went back to Alison's house. Her friends immediately rallied around her. Hanna, Mona, and Charles came by with a gift basket they'd put together.
Mona had made some of Emily's favorite snacks. She always paid attention to what snacks people ate in group. It was a habit she'd developed because she'd been keeping track of Hanna's food intake so she could get on to Hanna if she wasn't eating or if she was binging and purging.
Hanna had gotten Emily an iPod filled with some of her favorite music, because she knew that Emily liked to try and get away from her thoughts when she was jogging or hiking. She'd also gotten Lupo some little doggy shoes to protect his pads from the elements when Emily went jogging with him.
Charles had gotten her some new sketchpads and a bunch of new sketching pencils. He knew the importance of letting trauma out through a creative outlet.
Emily was speechless at first. She'd never had anyone in her life care so much. Not since her brother and sister.
"This is…it's all amazing. Thanks." Emily looked up at her friends.
"Degenerates and freaks have to stick together." Charles smiled. "I mean, it's not the best accessory to carry, but…twinsies." He held up his arms. He still had protective sleeves over his forearms where the cuts from his assault were covered.
"Charles, I adore you, but please never say that word again." Emily cringed.
"She's right, Charles." Mona nodded. "You're much prettier than she is."
"I know." Charles grinned. He looked at Emily's arm and an idea popped into his head. "Oh! We should totally get matching tattoos."
"Of what? A cuckoo bird?" Hanna snorted.
"Hanna." Mona cut her eyes at her.
"What? I'm allowed to say it. I'm as loony as the rest of you."
Emily let out a loud boisterous laugh. She had missed Hanna's wit.
"It's my fucking word, too. And I'll use it as I see fit." Hanna shrugged.
"Your sensitivity chip is astonishing." Mona replied sarcastically.
They settled in for a late lunch and an afternoon of conversation. Alison kept an eye on Emily to make sure it wasn't too much for her. But Emily seemed comfortable. She really cared about their little group.
Charles made fast friends with Lupo. He was out in the backyard tossing the ball for him while the girls were finishing up their dessert. Mona insisted on helping Alison clean up, so she followed her into the kitchen. Their respective girlfriends watched them disappear.
"Mona seems to be doing really well." Emily took a sip of her water.
"Yeah. She's found this strange inner peace since she finished the program. It's annoying as hell. She's all zen this and yoga that and 'Hanna, you'll never find peace of mind if you keep yelling at the birds'. It was seven in the fucking morning and I was hungover."
Emily chuckled. She reached for a cookie from the basket.
"You know she made these snacks just as much for you as she made them for me." She handed the treat to Hanna.
"How do you figure?"
"She made you help her bake this stuff, right?" Emily asked.
"Yeah."
"And she made you taste test it?"
"Yeah…"
"And she also knew that I would be adamant about sharing with you."
Hanna thought about it for a second. When she realized what had happened her entire face brightened in surprise. It was like a lightbulb switched on inside of her head.
"Son of a bitch. She tricked me!"
Hanna had a tumultuous relationship with food. And Mona knew that. She'd been trying to desensitize Hanna to it and take the stigma away from her eating disorder.
"She turned me into one of those dumb dogs eating peanut butter with medicine inside of it and I didn't even realize it."
"What are you going to do? Bite her?" Emily teased.
"I might." Hanna winked. "It's not like I haven't before."
Emily shook her head with a laugh.
"I've really missed this." Emily motioned between the two of them.
"Don't get the wrong idea here. You're a tall drink of sex in heels, but I never take what's not mine. Alison would kill me."
Emily laughed again. Who needed therapy when you had a friend like Hanna?
"And Mona would kill me." Emily pointed out.
"She didn't seem to mind it two weeks ago when I had a little ménage-toi with this tourist couple from Paris."
"Who the hell would leave France to come to this hellhole?" Emily scoffed.
"They were visiting his sister. Or maybe it was her sister." She looked confused. "I don't know. I didn't really get the full story. There was tequila involved. All I remember is the jello shots."
"Romantic." Emily laughed. "So, I take it you've been doing okay."
"Yeah." Hanna leaned back. Her smile faded. Emily could tell what was on her mind. "When I first found out you were in the hospital I freaked. Charles and Mona had to talk me down from a ledge."
"Jesus Christ, Hanna. You weren't supposed to play copycat."
"Oh, no…I didn't try to kill myself. I'm not crazy crazy."
"Nice. Tactful."
"If you expected me to treat you with kid gloves you were sadly mistaken. I'm still pissed at you."
"That's fair."
"We were at Melissa's place when Alison called to let us know that Aria was going to be running our counseling the next day. She sounded really frazzled…"
Emily squirmed uncomfortably. The worst part of what she'd done was the emotional toll it was taking on those around her.
"I asked her if everything was okay. She just said that she needed to take a few personal days, because you were hurt. I was flipping my shit, so Melissa took the phone away from me and Mona and Charles talked me down. I was really upset. I thought that what had happened to Charles happened to you, too. But then Melissa told us you slit your wrists and I just…I froze." She looked up at Emily sadly. "I don't understand. Why did you do that to yourself, Em?"
Emily drew in an uncomfortable breath. How come she hadn't thought about any of this before she'd grabbed that glass and cut herself open? Why didn't it register that she had people in her life that cared about her?
"It's complicated." Emily's face tightened. She picked at the bandaged sleeve on her right arm. "I'm messed up, Han."
"But I thought you were doing better."
"Sometimes we lie so convincingly to others that we start to believe the lies ourselves. We forget the truth, but the pain is still there. But it's there, and it's just building up momentum." She looked up at her friend. "It's a struggle every day. Every morning I wake up and I'm disappointed…" She sighed. "I'm disappointed that I'm still breathing. I hear this really loud noise in my mind all the time and I can't make it stop. It just…got too loud."
"I have that noise, too." Hanna admitted. "That nagging little voice that tells me I'm not good enough. That I…" She looked down, raising her arms, poking at her skin, "…that I'm fat and ugly."
"Bitch, please. You look like you belong on the cover of Vogue. You always have. Between you and me, the first time we met I thought you looked like a total snack."
Hanna smiled.
"You're just saying that to make me feel better."
"No. I'm being real. You, my friend, are the most fuckable person I've ever met."
Hanna looked towards the kitchen and then back at Emily.
"Okay, one real quick shag, but Mona and Alison can never know."
They both started laughing.
"This is the best therapy money could never buy." Emily tried to contain her laughter. "This is better than anything they did in the loony bin."
"I tried to visit you, but they said you only had Alison on the visitor's log. I stole a pair of scrubs and tried to sneak in, but they caught me."
"You're making that up."
"You would think so, but no."
"God. Only you." Emily rolled her eyes.
"The nurses were mad." Hanna made a face. "Never put me through that again or I will kill you. Then I'll revive you. Then I'll kill you again."
And Emily believed her.
o ~ O ~ o
Over the next few days she saw more random acts of kindness. Aria brought flowers in a little plastic vase that she'd decorated with the help of her daughter. Emily got to meet the little girl. She looked just like her mother. And she smiled. A lot. It made Emily feel like everything was going to be okay.
Cece came over with dinner three nights in a row so they didn't have to worry about cooking. She knew that Alison was exhausted, and she wanted to do something for both of them.
Spencer even came by, but she had been unsure of what to bring. She'd nervously handed over a bunch of vitamins and went on about how they were natural mood boosters. She'd given up on her quest of trying to get Alison to pull herself away from the situation. She knew how determined her friend was, and she knew there was no getting her away from Emily.
Emily wasn't surprised that everyone was walking around on eggshells. She was used to it. Everyone had been weird since she'd gotten back from overseas. No one knew how to act around her. Not until she met Alison. Because the blonde had seen right through her. She hadn't taken her bullshit.
Emily's friends from therapy were the only people who didn't treat her like a broken doll. Because they knew what she was going through.
Then there was Caleb. He didn't sugarcoat anything when he found out why she'd suddenly gone AWOL. He'd called her a fucking dumbass, which she needed to hear.
She'd gone to see him after she'd completed her outpatient therapy program. She'd had to go to psychologist every day for two weeks.
She'd been trying to do her best. True to her word, she didn't have one lick of alcohol, which was very difficult for her because she was still very much on a search and destroy mission. She didn't know that Alison was on that very same mission.
While Alison was contending to Emily's future, Jason had been looking into Emily's past. But it had been a lot more complicated than Alison and Jason realized it would be. The trail ran cold about a year after Ellie had been killed. He'd changed his name and moved to avoid the publicity. But Alison was determined to protect Emily, so she tried to get her to open up about it.
Emily refused to give Alison any details, because she was worried about her safety. Instead, she was trying to take care of it without involving Alison.
After she'd completed her daily therapy she had a little more time on her hands, so she took Caleb some of his favorite Chinese take-out.
"I still can't believe you went Cobain on yourself." Caleb puffed on his vape pen.
"Nah, Cobain was a conspiracy. The government did him in." Emily crossed her ankles, her boots scuffing against the floor as she leaned back against his couch. "I'm more in line with Virginia Woolf."
"Well, that's fitting, because I'm sure as shit scared of you." Caleb barked out a dry laugh.
"As you should be."
"How are you doing, for real?"
"Alison keeps me from teetering over the edge."
"She's that good of a lay, huh?" He nudged her jokingly.
"Watch your fucking mouth, Rivers. Don't make me sorry I saved you." Emily gave him a hard time.
"Is it weird that I miss it?" Caleb asked. "Obviously not the getting blown to bits part, but…it just kept my mind off other things, you know?"
"I know." She knew exactly what he meant. What they experienced didn't have to be put into words.
"You talked to Fitz lately?"
"I barely talk to you and you live here."
"He's coming back stateside."
"No shit. Ezra's coming back?"
"Just for a visit next month. His brother lives in New York. We're talking about getting together to catch up. Your sorry ass better join us."
"Won't be the same without Nicole."
"I didn't know her all that well, but the way Ezra talks her up she basically shit gold and diamonds." He glanced at Emily and saw a quiet undertone of pain on her face. "Sorry. Sometimes I forget that you and her have that history behind enemy lines."
Emily nodded, staring blankly at the wall.
"They're never going to find her body."
"This certainly can't be a good topic of conversation for your mental health."
"I'm still the same person I was, Caleb. You know that better than anyone. I just…disappear sometimes."
"Yeah. I hear you." Caleb huffed on his vape pen again. "You can leave it behind, but it doesn't leave you."
"Semper fuckin Fi." Emily sighed. She tried to shake her emotions off. "So, you said on the phone that you found something?"
Caleb hesitated.
"I'm not sure this is such a good idea. I don't want to send you running for the razor blades again."
"It was glass." Emily replied dryly.
"Oh, well, that changes everything." Caleb rebuffed sarcastically. He reached across the table and grabbed a manila envelope. He held on to it for a few seconds. But then he handed it to her. She flipped it open and pulled out an 8x10 photograph. "Guy's name is Peter. Which is fitting because he's a real dick."
"Yeah, he is." Emily stared at the photo.
It was the bouncer she'd almost killed.
"What? You know him?"
"We had an…altercation." She tried to think of the right word.
"What did you do to piss him off?"
"I love how you assume it was me."
"Because it usually is."
"He was an asshole."
"I'm an asshole. So what? If you went around throwing punches at every asshole you met you'd have a trail of bodies from here to the moon."
The funniest thing about his statement was that she did have a pile of bodies in her past.
"He was a special kind of asshole. Works in a bar. One of his special asshole friends took my grandfather's gun. When I went back to get it he slammed me over the head with a snowglobe and then stabbed me."
"Shit. And you left him alive?"
"He's got a kid." Which she didn't know at the time. But she knew now. And it had changed everything.
"He's also got a record about five miles long." Caleb tapped on the envelope. Emily pulled out the guy's rap sheet. "He's a dealer and he works for a bookie who associates with some of the worst kinds of scum. You should see the shit he lets people bet on. He also has some weird fetishes according to the whores he pays for. He's probably got about twenty illegitimate children he doesn't know about. He'll stick his dick in anything."
"Wish he would have saved me the trouble and shoved it in an electrical socket." Emily scowled. "So, what's he got to do with the phone calls?"
"He was the one picking up the phone. I had a friend cross-reference some security footage. Could just be one of his regulars. But he gets a call about every two weeks from the same burner. I've looked at the cell towers that pinged this person's location. They're always in a different location. But it started out near your old place…"
"How do you know where I use to live?"
"I'm a fucking spy, Fields. What did you think I did? Play with nifty little explosive pens and fake flower microphones?"
"Are those a real thing?" Emily asked curiously.
"Of course they're real."
Emily picked up a vase sitting next to Caleb's couch and leaned close to it.
"Pay no attention to the plots of murder being discussed here today." She spoke into the vase with a slight grin.
"You're hilarious." Caleb rolled his eyes.
"So, what do we know about the guy that Peter Peter Pussy Eater is talking to?" She put the vase down.
"Not much. Not exactly easy to find the owner of a burner. Whoever it is likes to bounce around. He hasn't been in the same location once. I thought it might just be like a travel for job kind of thing, but one location in particular caught my eye." He grabbed another folder from the table. "I remember you saying something about your birthday and how you were clubbing with Alison and some of your buddies from AA…"
"It's not AA." Emily quickly corrected him.
"The point is…" He pulled a picture out of the folder, "…I recognized the cell tower location. This person sent a text that originated in that general vicinity. Hacking into texts on a burner can be tricky, but this one had a picture attached and it created a cache back up of the file. I didn't get the text, but…" He handed her the picture.
Emily dropped it in shock almost immediately. It was a grainy picture of her in the club the night she was drugged. Someone had been there. Someone was following her.
Her shoulders tensed up. Her breath started coming quicker. She curled her fingers into her palms and squeezed them tightly.
"Whoa, easy." Caleb tried to calm her down. "Do those breathing exercises you hate so much."
Emily nodded and closed her eyes. She tried to imagine Alison next to her. She took in several deep breaths, counting as she inhaled and then exhaled. When she got to ten, the panic was subsiding.
"See, it's not all bullshit," Caleb said.
"I have to find whoever took this picture."
"You've got some pretty damning stuff here. Why don't you call the cops?"
"Because he is the fucking cops. He's been in line with them ever since…" Ever since he'd come into her life and destroyed her…and her family. "He…he's just…I can't trust the cops with this one."
"What exactly is this about?"
"I can't…" She shook her head. "I don't want to talk about it. It's personal. But he's a very dangerous man. And if he's following me then Alison could be in danger."
That scared her more than anything.
"I haven't found any indication that he's been anywhere near you other than that night," Caleb said. "He probably lost your trail."
"If you can find me, so can he."
"No, he can't. He can't trace you. No one can trace you. I've made sure of that."
"What do you mean?"
"Please." He scoffed. "The second you came to me for help I knew you were in some shit. I made sure your phone had software that protects you from anyone being able to access it. And I've had people I trust watching your six. You've never been in this alone. I've got your back. Always will."
"You did all that?"
"What else do I have to do? Go two-stepping?" He pointed to his stump of a leg. "Look, I don't know what this guy did, but I'm guessing it's bad." He saw Emily trying to contain her emotions. "I'm not asking for the story. I'm just letting you know you're not alone here. And I want you to promise me you'll be careful." He looked at the bandaged sleeves on her arms. He knew what it felt like to be that desperate. "You're really close to this. And I don't want to see you relapse."
"I'll be fine."
Emily stared at the photo. She had to do this. She had to protect her new family…in the way she hadn't been able to protect her old one.
"Well, if you find Peter you'll find whoever called him."
"I know exactly where to look," she said. "Thank you."
"You can thank me by not getting yourself killed."
Her phone started ringing. She saw Alison's picture pop up on screen. It was a candid photo of the blonde mid-laugh. It had really captured her best features. It made Emily melt every time she saw it.
"I should go." Emily stood up.
"Keep me posted." Caleb reached for the container of food sitting on his table. "Thanks for the grub."
They said their goodbyes and Emily walked out the door. She called Alison back to let her know she was on her way home.
Home.
It felt right. It also felt terrifying. Because if she put down roots everything was going to change. And if her past found her before she found it, it was bound to end in the same terrifying way that her childhood had ended. She refused to let that happen. She would do whatever it took to protect Alison. Because she'd somehow been lucky enough to find an angel in hell, and no demon in the world was ever going to get anywhere near to her. If she had to set fire to the world to keep her safe, she wouldn't hesitate to strike a match and scorch the earth.