A/N: milaketismith, really love the observation about Emily wanting to get better for herself. And you're right. I did put the "us" in there for that reason. It's definitely important that people who are struggling work on their pain not only for their loved ones, but for themselves as well.

This one is the lightest chapter yet. Still some dark themes, but peak Emison fluff (at least for this fic). And I know what you're thinking: "What is this 'happiness' you speak of?"

Chapter 14:

Collaborative Therapy

Emily stopped by the motel to drop off the things Caleb gave her and then stopped to pick up a pizza for dinner.

Alison breathed a sigh of relief when she heard her walk through the front door. She'd just finished unloading the dishwasher. It felt so domestic. But she'd found that when she kept her mind busy it didn't become occupied with terrible thoughts about things that could happen to Emily, or terrible things Emily might do to herself.

"Honey, I'm home." Emily walked into the kitchen.

Lupo ran over to greet her. He had his eyes on the pizza box in her hands.

"That is not for you." Alison scolded him.

Emily chuckled as she put the food down on the counter.

"I did get something for him though."

Emily reached into the bag she was carrying and pulled out a smaller bag. It was plain toasted bread. Lupo loved bread. And Emily liked making him feel like he was getting to eat dinner with them, so she always picked a little something up for him. She broke off a piece of the bread and handed it to him.

"You're undermining me in front of the dog." Alison frowned.

"You're cute when you're mad." Emily reached out and took her hand. She pulled Alison towards her. She pressed a kiss against her lips. When she pulled back she looked at her with a smile. "Hi."

"Hi." Alison put her palm against Emily's neck.

The motion was so simple, but it was full of meaning. Emily had learned to take comfort in the little intimate moments they shared. Things had been different since her suicide attempt. Alison was very gentle with her. She knew the importance of when and how to touch her properly. She knew how to make Emily feel comfortable.

They'd yet to have sex again. Emily was intimidated with the idea of it given the way their last encounter had gone. They'd had a few heated make-out sessions, but Emily always stopped it before it escalated. And Alison followed her cues.

Emily was learning to love in a way that she never had before. She looked at Alison and she saw the whole world. The blonde was the best thing that had ever happened to her.

The therapy and medications were dulling some of her pain, but she still struggled. She still had nightmares, but she wasn't as panicked when she woke up, because she knew that they were just shadows of her past. And though they were painful, she didn't allow that pain to take away her power. Her panic attacks were slowly becoming less frequent. They were still intense, but she'd learned techniques to help keep her from spiraling.

She knew that the pain would never go away completely. Her doctors had told her numerous times that it could be managed, but there was no cure. There was no simple fix for emotional scars. They couldn't just throw medications at it and make it go away. It was something Emily would be working on for the rest of her life. And she understood that.

"How was work?" Emily asked. "You save any more dumbasses dying under the railroad tracks?"

"It was quiet today."

"Look at that. You've managed to cure the population of its depression." My girl.

"Mmhmm." She nodded and gave her another kiss. "Where were you today?"

It wasn't accusatory. It was simple curiosity. Alison let Emily have her privacy, though she had on open door policy. She wanted the channels of communication to always remain open.

"I went to see an old army buddy," she said. "Dr. Sullivan says it can be good to connect with people who have 'shared experiences'." She emphasized the phrase and put an overdramatic spin on it.

"Oh. I didn't realize…" Alison was surprised. "I thought your squad was all…um…" She hated that she'd brought it up. She'd backed herself into a corner.

"Blown to confetti? Yeah, they were. That doesn't mean everyone I ever knew is gone. I don't know if you know this, but the army is pretty big."

Alison laughed.

"I didn't know you knew anyone in town."

"He's on the outskirts. It's a little bit of a bus ride, but it was worth it."

"I would have driven you."

"It's cool." Emily shrugged.

"You have a hard time accepting kindness." Alison's forehead crinkled in disapproval.

"I'm working on it."

And she really was. It was hard for her to let people in, but she'd been slowly trying to open herself up to Alison. She was trying to deal with the guilt she felt from everything she'd put her through that night. And she was trying to work through her feelings that she'd been repressing. She still had moments when she shut Alison out. But the important thing to Alison was that she was trying.

"You're doing fine. Come on." She pulled her towards the table. "Let's eat."

Emily smiled. It was the little moments that helped her hold on to her sanity. It was things like sitting at the dinner table with Alison and quietly slipping Lupo table scraps when Alison wasn't paying attention that made her feel joy. It was an emotion she never thought she'd feel again.

She laughed when a glob of pizza sauce and half a pepperoni slid off of Alison's pizza and into her lap as she helplessly tried to catch it. Alison threw a dinner roll at her for laughing. Emily sat at the table with Alison and she found herself wondering,

Is this what happiness is?

She let herself feel the joy without the fear of something coming in and swooping it away. She took those few precious moments to forget about the danger in the world, and just be in the moment with Alison.

After dinner they went for a walk with the dog. It was becoming a routine. Emily's psychologist recommended she have a routine to help with stability.

Emily tossed the ball with Lupo for a few minutes when they got home. Alison came outside with some hot cocoa. Emily leaned down to scratch Lupo's head and then threw the ball across the yard. He shot around the pool and ran through the lawn like a bullet.

Emily walked up on to the porch with Alison. Alison gave her a mug of cocoa. Emily couldn't believe the extent of Alison's generosity. Sometimes she felt like she'd died that night under the train tracks, and that Alison was her angel.

Emily had never believed in Heaven. She'd done nothing but experience hell on Earth. It would stand to reason that she'd be stuck in some terrible hellscape after she died. But maybe she'd done just enough good on Earth to earn the love of an angel.

"What's on your mind, Em?" Alison asked, reaching up to tuck some of her hair behind her ear.

I can't believe this is my life.

"You." Emily smiled, sitting down on the cushioned bench that overlooked Alison's backyard.

"What about me?" Alison sat next to her, leaving very little room between them.

Emily put the cocoa down on the table next to the bench.

Why do you love me? Why did you save me? What do you see in me? Why am I worth it?

"I just think you're beautiful." Emily looked up from her lap.

She put her hand against Alison's knee and leaned over to give her an innocent peck on the lips. When she pulled back, Alison's entire face was flushed.

"No. Really. What are you thinking about?" Alison smiled bashfully.

Emily wanted to enjoy the moment with the beautiful girl next to her, so she suppressed the looming danger. She shut off the painful memories of the past. She ignored what the future was sure to hold. Because she had the present.

She looked at Alison, a sweet expression on her face. And she did what she did best. She lied.

"Nothing." She squeezed her hand. Everything.

She felt guilty for shutting down, for not telling Alison her fears and insecurities. But she looked at her, and she saw her smile…and she couldn't take that away from her.

They heard Lupo stampeding towards them, his pads hitting the ground. He was shaking his head with his ball in his mouth. He lost his grip on it and it went sailing through the air and bounced against the ground and plopped in the water. Lupo walked over and stared at it, trying to figure out how to get it without going in.

"He's ridiculous." Emily laughed.

Alison savored it when she saw Emily happy. Because it was such a rarity. But there was something strange about the way she was carrying herself. And Alison didn't like it.

"You sure everything is all right?" Alison stroked her knuckles.

"Long day." Emily replied with a shrug.

Emily looked tired. Her skin had a strange tint and there were dark circles under her eyes. She looked stressed. It had gotten difficult for Alison to discern when Emily was stressed and when she was legitimately just tired, because Emily hid her pain so well. Sometimes Alison had to dig a little bit to get her to open up.

"Do you want to tell me about your visit with your friend?" Alison traced her fingers against Emily's arm.

The way Alison touched her gave her chills. And it made her want to talk to her.

"His name is Caleb." Emily leaned back. "He's a really good guy. He saw some tough shit over there. A few weeks before Nicole and I were taken prisoner he was hurt pretty badly in an attack. I got him out in time for the medic to save him, but he lost his leg."

Alison noticed the subtle differences in Emily when she was talking about her time in combat. Months ago it shut her down. Back then it had been so painful that she was dropped right back into the middle of it. But now she was able to separate the memory from the pain. She was able to see it, but she didn't relive it. Therapy had slowly been desensitizing her.

"How is he now?"

"Surviving." She left it at that. Caleb's story wasn't hers to tell. His pain wasn't hers to share.

"Well, any friend of yours is a friend of mine. You should invite him over for dinner sometime."

"He doesn't really like people. He's more of a machine kind of guy."

"If you change your mind, it's an open invite." Alison didn't push it.

Emily looked at her. She adored her. She was thoughtful, but she always knew when to give her space. She didn't push her unnecessarily. Emily's journey had been as much of a learning experience for Alison as it was Emily. She was learning how to balance Emily's need for privacy and her own need to know everything. The therapy had helped her understand how to read Emily a lot better.

She had been so obsessed with trying to save Emily that she'd fallen in love with her in the process, which had impaired her judgment to advise her in a fair manner. She had gotten too close to her to actually counsel her. Now that she finally had Emily talking to someone else, the brunette was slowly starting to open up on her own.

That didn't mean that there weren't still secrets between them, and that they didn't face problems. Alison's main concern was that there was a man somewhere out there who had given Emily scars that would always hurt.

When Alison had first heard Emily's night terrors it had sounded like she was begging for her life overseas. But the reality was that she was begging for her life at home.

It made her sick to her stomach. But she was hoping she could give Emily some closure. Jason's friend was closing in on the man responsible for Emily's pain. She didn't realize that Emily was just as close. And that things were going to clash in the worst possible way.

Alison laid her head against Emily's shoulder and sighed. Emily wrapped her arm around the small of her back and pulled her closer.

"You didn't tell me how your day was." Emily kissed the top of her head.

"It was just a regular day. Work was typical. And I did a few things around the house when I got home. Nothing earth shattering."

"Everything you do is earth shattering, Ali."

"Stop." Alison rolled her eyes. She glanced at her. "I did talk to Jason a few minutes before you got home. He called to check in." It was only a partial lie. He had called to check in, but he'd been checking in about the lead his friend had on Emily's stepfather.

"How is he?" Emily asked.

"He's Jason." Alison replied, refusing to make eye contact with Emily. Emily assumed it was because it was hard for Alison to talk about her brother. She didn't realize that it was because Alison was keeping secrets from her. "He's as bad at telling me how he's doing as you are."

"Oh, so we'd get along well." Emily bumped into her playfully.

"It's not fair. Both of you deserve so much better."

"So did you." Emily pointed out.

"I brought a lot of what happened to me on myself. I was terrible. I antagonized my parents at every turn."

"Being gay doesn't give anyone a reason to mistreat you. None of what happened to you was your fault," Emily said softly, cupping her chin. "You were just reacting to their actions. And you had every right. You have every right to be who you want to be…to love who you want to love."

This was the side of Emily that Alison loved. The fondness and the passion that she carried in her heart. Despite outwards appearances, she was so soft and caring with the people she loved.

When Emily moved her palm up to gently hold her face Alison felt her heart fluttering in her chest.

"You are one of the most amazing people I have ever met. My heart only beats because of you. And I mean that in the most literal sense. I wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for you." Emily held her gaze. Alison knew how hard it was for her to be intimate, so it meant so much to her. "I never want you to feel like your parents were even a little right. Because they weren't. You got royally fucked in the parent department. Parents are supposed to love their kids unconditionally. They're supposed to protect them."

Emily took a shaky breath. She thought back to the sacrifice her father had made for her in that restaurant. He'd told her to stay hidden. He'd saved her life.

"My dad died for me. That's what parents do. That's what a parent's love means. And what your mom and dad did to you…you deserved better. You are such a good person and you have such a good heart. And you deserved better than their hatred. You were their child. And they failed you." Emily felt the back of her neck getting hot. She didn't like to think about Alison being mistreated. "If I had known you then, and I had known what they were putting you through…I would have emptied my clip on them, too."

Emily pulled back, trying to get control of her anger. It worried her when she lost her temper when she was close to Alison. Alison didn't seem the least bit concerned. She only held her hand tighter.

"I think about that night all the time." Alison frowned. "Sometimes I think there is something wrong with me, because I should feel remorse…right? If I don't that makes me a psychopath."

"If I could kill the monster who murdered my little sister I wouldn't feel a damn thing. Doesn't make us messed up. It just makes us human. Because we love. And we care. We care enough to fight."

She rolled her thumb against the fleshy part of Alison's palm. She could see every crease and line on Alison's hand. And she wanted to kiss every inch of her skin. How was it possible to love someone's hands? She didn't care that her hands had been holding a gun that had killed three people.

"We all have darkness in us. And whatever you nurture it with is what it becomes. If it grows from hate and anger that's who you are. It defines you. And controls you. That's how you get people like your dad and Darren. They let their darkness control them."

Emily had to stop to take a breath, because she could feel her rage boiling inside of her. Every time she thought about Alison's parents hurting her it made her feel something deeper than pain, deeper than anger. It made her feel like she was going to lose control.

Alison put her palm on top of their joined hands, and her warmth brought Emily back from the brink. It always did.

"So, what does that make us?" Alison asked. "Are we all monsters?"

Emily shook her head.

"No. Because it's the reasons behind our actions that tell us who we are, even with that darkness. If you starve the darkness, it doesn't grow at all. It's just there. It stays there. And it has the potential to overshadow you, but only when you feel backed into a corner. That's what gives people the ability to kill others in self-defense. It becomes a part of your brain chemistry. It's wired in you. It's there to protect you so you don't overthink in a life or death situation."

She'd had numerous experiences with it in combat. She remembered acting purely out of instinct. She remembered what it felt like to take a life. She remembered what it was like to see the life draining from a stranger's eyes. Somehow, it made her life at home seem less painful. Sometimes it calmed the rage.

"That ability to make those choices…it feeds your adrenaline. And it gives you the drive to make those difficult choices without thinking. And when it's over, it shelters you." Her forehead crinkled in thought. "And it's weird that darkness gives you comfort, but in that situation it does. Because you compartmentalize. And you rationalize. And you come to the realization that you did what you had to do. And in your case, you did exactly that."

"Yeah. It still makes me wonder though…about what happens after."

"Life goes on." She was literal living proof of that.

"I meant after life." Alison shuffled her feet against the porch. "Do you remember how defensive I got in our first meeting when you said I was on some kind of mission to make up my sins to God?"

"I do." Emily cracked a smile, because she remembered how hot Alison had been when she'd let her bitchy side come out. There had been a growl in her throat that Emily had felt in her bones. "But after I heard about your parents using it as a weapon, I get it. And I'm sorry I ever accused you of being something you're not."

"You weren't entirely wrong though." Alison slowly met her gaze. "I started helping people out of guilt. And shame. And a little bit for myself. And it's not anything in religion that makes me feel this way. It all comes from me. I don't hate religion because of what my parents did. I mean, I thought it was bullshit when I was a kid. But the truth is the reason I hate it so much is because I'm afraid if it's real…I'm going to go to hell."

"Well, you'll be in good company. Because I'm sure as shit not going to Heaven." Emily laughed, a dark undertone in her voice. She truly believed that. She believed that nothing good was awaiting her in death.

"I killed three people." Alison bit her lip.

"If you want to make it a numbers game, I'm way up there." Emily tried to make her feel better.

"You were fighting for your life. Your country. It's different when it's someone related to you. Your stepfa…" Alison saw Emily cringe and she carefully tiptoed around the subject, "That man…he killed your sister. And you believe he's going to hell, right?"

I believe he's going to suffer a much worse fate.

"It's not the same." Emily stared into a void, trying to fight back the pain prickling up her spine. "You were protecting your brother. I would have fucking murdered an entire village to save Ellie. I would have killed innocent people for her."

"It's not the fact that I killed them that bothers me. It should. But it doesn't. Because they had it coming." There was a dark look on her face. It was a look that told Emily that she wouldn't take it back. And Emily understood that. "What bothers me the most is that my brother is suffering for something that I did."

"And that's what separates you from the monsters. You're not a bad person, Ali. The love that you have…that centers you. And your brother did what he did out of love, too. You can't keep beating yourself up over it. Jason chose this for you."

"And the responsible thing to do would have been for me to tell him no. But I was so scared. And young. And dumb."

"He saw your potential. He knew what you were capable of…that you were going to make a difference. He knew it was the right thing to do. And I am so thankful for that. Because of your brother I'm alive. I'm alive and I have you. And you've saved so many others. The sacrifices Jason made were not in vain. I would have done the same thing." Emily pulled her closer. "And if there is an afterlife, I don't know anyone who deserves to go more than you do. That one choice doesn't define you for life. You didn't go into it planning it. You weren't malicious. It was a crime of circumstance. Besides, religion is nothing but fabrications and contradictions. It isn't the best guideline when it comes to killing people. Do you know how much murder there is in the Bible? I mean…just look at the crusades."

Alison sighed and nuzzled against Emily. Everything felt right when she was with the brunette.

"Can I be honest with you about something?" Alison ran her fingertips over the army tattoo on Emily's arm.

"Always."

"It sounds really stupid. But…sometimes I'm afraid," Alison uttered quietly. "I'm afraid that they'll come back from the dead and they'll pull me down to hell with them. I feel like they're waiting for me. They haunt me in the worst way."

"Nothing is going to happen to you while I'm around." Emily gently cupped her cheek again.

She gave the blonde a soft kiss. Alison's lips were warm and velvety. She could still taste a hint of cocoa on her breath. When they pulled away Alison looked at her, her eyes wide and sad. She knew how close she had come to losing Emily that night in the motel. Emily wouldn't be able to protect her from the grave.

"You were going to leave me," Alison said sadly. "That night. You were going to leave me all alone."

Emily hated that she'd put Alison through that. But she hadn't been thinking. And Alison knew that.

"I'll regret it for the rest of my life."

I thought you were better off without me.

Sometimes she still thought it was true. Sometimes her demons were louder than Alison's love. Sometimes she still heard it.

You kill people. Or you get them killed.

"Don't ever do it again." Alison drew her out of her trance by pushing her palm against Emily's hardened jaw line.

"I promise."

Emily chewed on her inner cheek. She wanted to tell her about what was going on with her liver, but she couldn't. There was nothing that could be done about it anyway. All she could do was continue with the supplements and medications and hope it bought her some time. She had to stay alive as long as she could. She had to protect Alison.

She felt a rush of self-doubt. It told her everything that was wrong with her and more.

You can't protect her. You can't protect anyone.

Emily shuddered. But then she felt Alison's skin against hers, and she was back in the world where she belonged.

Alison lifted her head, her hand still gripping Emily's.

"You cold?"

"A little." Emily lied.

Alison turned Emily's cheek and leaned in until their mouths naturally fell together. They both parted their lips and their tongues met, swirling around gently. Alison pushed for a little more, and Emily gave it to her. She softly tugged Alison's lower lip in between her teeth and bit down. She moved her hand up against the side of Alison's neck and they held the embrace.

"Better?" Alison smiled when she pulled away.

"Much."

Alison laid her head against Emily's shoulder. They sat out on the porch and talked for a while before they called it a night.

Alison went to brush her teeth and do her regular nightly routine. Face wash. Moisturize. Five minutes of yoga. It was something her therapist recommended. Routine was good for everyone.

Emily settled in Alison's bedroom. They'd been sleeping in the same bedroom since Emily was released, though Emily had insisted on sleeping on a cot on the floor so she didn't unintentionally hurt Alison if she had a night terror. At first she'd suggested that she go back to sleeping in the guest bedroom, but Alison told her she wanted to be in the same room with her. Emily had told her that she didn't need a babysitter.

Alison had just grabbed her hand with a sincere look on her face,

"That's not why. I just like having you near me. It helps me sleep."

Emily had become a safety blanket for her. So Emily set up a cot next to her bed. It had quickly become Lupo's spot as well. He usually curled up next to her and laid his head against her stomach. Most nights she would pet him until they both fell asleep.

As she waited for Alison to finish her routine she sat with Lupo, scratching his favorite spot behind his ears until the dog was snoring.

She was leaning against the wall, sketching a portrait of Alison while she waited on her to come to bed. It felt good to have regular sketching utensils back in her hands. In the mental health care facility they were strict about anything that had a sharp point. She'd had to make do with markers and crappy thin tissue paper that wasn't worth a damn.

When Alison walked into the bedroom Lupo lifted his head and wagged his tail. Emily looked up from her sketchpad. The blonde was a living dream. She was wearing a black silk teddy with thin straps that accentuated the bone structure of her upper body. Her shoulders were pulled back, the curves of her chest perfectly round and perky. Her face had a healthy flush from where she'd been splashing her cheeks with water. She looked gorgeous even without make-up on.

The teddy stopped right below her hips, barely covering her pelvis. Emily could imagine her fingers on Alison's thighs, traveling up underneath the garment, enjoying every last bit of her curves.

Alison was sexy without trying. She hadn't put the nightgown on for anything other than comfort. It's not like Emily hadn't seen her in it before, but tonight felt different. Alison exuded a confidence about her, but she wasn't cocky.

Alison shooed Lupo away and sat next to her. She wanted to see what Emily was doodling. Though, doodling wasn't exactly the proper term for Emily's artwork. When Alison looked at Emily's sketches she felt like she was being transported directly into Emily's heart. She saw what Emily saw.

Every stroke of her pencil showed her life, her pain, her love. Alison could see into the depths of her soul. It was like a piece of her that Emily only shared with her. A life on paper.

Emily smiled at her and then turned her attention back towards the sketchpad. Alison loved watching her work. It was one of the very few instances when Emily looked like she felt free and at peace.

Alison watched as Emily filled in the shadows and traced the highlights.

"How do you do it?" Alison asked.

"What? Draw?" Emily questioned. "I just take a pencil and move it around. Anyone can do it."

"Not like you." Alison gently gripped the side of the pad. "Some people create art." She slowly looked up at Emily. "You create life." Her crystal blue eyes were boring into Emily's, completely awestruck. "Your form and composition aren't like anything I've ever seen. It's like every line and shadow matters. You know exactly how to capture everything…down to the smallest detail."

"Only on my important subjects."

Alison was her muse. She inspired her.

Alison lowered her head bashfully, her hair falling over her face. Emily reached up and tucked it behind her ear so she could get a better look at her. She traced her thumb across her jaw and up against the side of her lips.

Alison took Emily's hand, curling the tips of her fingers underneath Emily's fingers. She pulled the brunette's hand towards her lips. She kissed Emily's knuckles. They were rough and scarred from all the times she'd used her fists to take out her aggression, yet her skin was soft.

"Your hands are magic in all kinds of ways." Alison smiled at her.

She stared at Emily's long sleek fingers. They had done things to her that left imprints in ways that would never fade. They were demanding and driven, but they were also careful and meticulous, and they created intricate works of art.

"When did you first start drawing?" Alison asked curiously.

"Uh…" Emily pursed her lips in thought. It had been a habit for years, almost like an addiction. She turned to it when she felt herself in a panic about life. "Around second grade, I think. I had this therapist who told me I needed an outlet to channel everything I was feeling. At the time I just wanted to crawl in bed and stay there. I missed my dad and I was tired of seeing my mom cry. I caused some problems in school. I was a really unruly little shit."

"You? Unruly? No way." Alison teased her.

"Hard to believe, right?" Emily chuckled softly. She glanced at the portrait she'd drawn. "My teachers were actually the ones who discovered it. Art class was the only class where I was there, where I was present. They found out that I was calm when I was drawing. The teacher's assistant talked to my therapist about it and the therapist got me into it as a form of relief. It worked for a while."

It had gotten her through some insanely dark times. It had turned into an outlet that saved her life. It had given her a channel for her pain after her father's death, and had continued to help her after her mother died. Even when the abuse started she'd had her drawing board to keep her from swallowing a bunch of pills. She only had her art and her brother. And her little sister.

"I stopped when Ellie died." Her shoulders tensed up. She missed her baby sister. "Ethan is the one who got me back into it."

He'd seen how poorly she was coping. He'd heard her crying every night. He'd talked her down from numerous ledges. He had known that unless he did something she was going to kill herself. So it was art and the army. He'd made that call. And Emily had gone along with it.

"Ethan was really good at it, too." She filled in a shadow on her sketch. "Probably better than I am. Must be genetic. Dad always talked about wanting to be an architect." She worked on some of the shading around the edges. "When Ethan and I were overseas he got me super drunk and then shoved a sketchbook at me." She stopped moving the pencil in her hand. "The next morning I woke up and I'd drawn a bunch of shit. Ethan gloated."

He'd gloated a lot. He had been such a cocky little bastard.

Alison could see a spark of pain in her expression. She touched her arm.

"I know you miss him."

"I do." Emily sighed. "Sometimes I wonder if the pain is ever going to stop. Or if it's just going to be there, a part of me that I can't get rid of that just burns and aches sometimes."

"Time dulls the ache. But it's always going to be there. Because the people you love matter. It hurts because it matters." Alison peered into her eyes. "Love means knowing and accepting your pain. The people who come into our lives that take a piece of our heart…they change us. And as much as we might want to forget the pain that comes with loss, we can't…so over time we let it shift into the joy we felt before that loss."

"So eventually the good will overshadow the bad?" Emily asked.

"Not exactly. It's not about good and bad or pain and pleasure. Though, they do go hand-in-hand. It's more about knowing that you will eventually start to feel love and happiness again. And the bad fades. Not entirely. But it doesn't define you anymore. And eventually you'll get to a place where you think back about the people you've loved and lost…and you'll smile instead of cry." Alison smiled. "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."

"What great philosopher said that?" Emily scoffed.

Alison laughed.

"Dr. Seuss."

"Oh, did you do your dissertation in shrink school on Green Eggs and Ham?" Emily asked.

"Don't be ludicrous, Emily." Alison rolled her eyes. "Everyone knows the real scholars write about The Cat in the Hat."

Emily laughed and gently shook her head.

"So, that's what inspires you? Children's books?" Emily questioned.

"Among other things." Alison nodded, looking at the rich blend of ink on Emily's upper arm. Emily still hadn't told her what inspired her to get the artwork on her body. "Did you draw them?" She asked, tracing her finger along a heart rhythm that looped around Emily's arm.

"Ethan and I came up with a lot of them together." Emily looked at where Alison's finger had landed. "That's Ellie's heartbeat. We took a picture of the monitor after she was born." She reached up with her other hand and ran her fingers down to meet where Alison's fingertips were against her arm.

Right above the tattoo of Ellie's heartbeat were her parents' initials surrounded by hearts and feathers. Beneath the heart line there were two dogtags, with her brother's name next to hers. Alison had looked at them every day since she'd met Emily. She'd seen them up close when they were in bed together, Emily's strong arms hovering over her when they fucked. She'd seen them wrapped around her body as they cuddled. She'd seen her bicep muscles underneath the tattoos bulging when Emily was angry or stressed. She'd seen every small intricate part of her body, but as Emily talked about them, Alison felt like she was seeing them for the first time. It was a roadmap of her life.

"Did it hurt?" Alison asked, moving her fingers up the collage of artwork. "I've heard that sometimes it hurts."

"It's a pain that can be controlled. It's part of the art. It's like this intoxicating rush that makes the pain feel good." She looked at her tattoos. "They're scars designed by my own making. They tell the story I want told. And I get to choose how much pain I feel."

Alison was quiet as she considered Emily's answer. It made sense to her that Emily would want to take control of the situation. She'd never had control over anything that happened to her. It was liberating and freeing for her to be able to manage something in her life the way she wanted it.

"I wish I could take it all away. The pain…"

"It led me to you." Emily put her sketchpad down.

She gently turned Alison's cheek towards her and then moved her palm down against the side of her neck. They leaned in, their lips meeting. When they pulled away their foreheads naturally fell together. Alison had the softest look on her face.

"You really put up with a hell of a lot." Emily leaned into their embrace.

"So do you." Alison pecked her lips.

There was a quiet tension in the air, a tangible moment between the two of them. They were bonded together in the most intimate way. And Emily felt it in her soul. As she peered into Alison's loving eyes she felt the urge to lay her down against the floor and pepper her with kisses. She wanted to feel her again…to see her face in ecstasy…to hold her body as she fell into a state of bliss.

But then she remembered the last time she'd been on top of her…the last time she'd pushed it too far too fast. And she pulled away.

"I uh…I'm kind of beat." Emily cleared her throat, trying to bury her lust.

Alison pecked her lips again and then smiled at her.

"Get some sleep."

Alison stood up and sauntered over to her bed. Emily watched her ass as she walked across the room. She was walking slowly, deliberately. She knew that Emily liked looking at her backside. She had a great ass.

Emily laid down, clasping her hands and laying them across her stomach. She looked at the ceiling. She closed her eyes and concentrated on her breathing, feeling the motion of her stomach moving as she inhaled and exhaled. It was something her psychiatrist had told her to do.

Emily felt a strange discomfort in her stomach. She shifted on her back, trying to dull the ache. Sometimes she had phantom pains from the injuries she'd suffered overseas. And sometimes she could still feel his knuckles against her ribs or pounding into her stomach. He always hit her where her bruises couldn't be seen. The memories were more painful than the scars her physical injuries had left.

She rustled around, but it seemed that no matter how much she tried to get comfortable…she just made it worse. She tossed and turned until Alison wasn't able to stand it anymore.

"Em, why don't you come up here and lay with me for a while?"

Emily didn't argue. She crawled under the covers next to Alison. Alison immediately wrapped her arms around Emily's upper body, settling her cheek against her collar bone. She nuzzled her head underneath Emily's chin.

"Is this okay?" Alison asked.

Emily smiled and kissed her head. Being next to her, having her warm heat against her body, it felt like a peace she'd never known before. Because Alison didn't just share her body with Emily. She shared her heart.

"It's perfect." Emily ran her fingers through Alison's hair. She took a deep breath, taking in the smell of Alison's shampoo. She closed her eyes. "I've missed this."

Emily laid in the bed thinking about how strange happiness felt. It was terrifying to feel joy. She'd lived most of her life without it and now that she knew what it felt like she was scared it would be ripped away from her. She was afraid of how much it was going to hurt.

She'd never let herself enjoy the moment. Not before she met Alison. She'd always lived her life like she wasn't going to get a tomorrow, like she didn't deserve a happy ending. Her newfound happiness put more weight on her. But at the same time, she couldn't imagine her life without the girl next to her.

She closed her eyes, not sure how long the happiness would last.

The moment came to a jarring end when she got stuck in a nightmare.

He'd caught up to them. Emily was restrained, her body aching, but she was struggling against the restraints so much they were cutting into her skin. Because he was strangling Alison in front of her. He looked at Emily maliciously and reached for his zipper.

"NO!" She screamed. "Get the hell away from her!"

The intensity of the terror she felt was causing her physical pain. She felt something sharp in her right side and when she looked down a knife was protruding from her stomach. The restraints were gone. She felt a painful spasm in her back.

She could hear Alison's dying breaths. Emily fell against the floor, barely able to move. She lifted her bloody hand and saw Alison reaching towards her, crying out her name. Their fingers were inches from each other. Blood trickled off of Emily's fingers and splashed against the floor.

"Ali…" She managed to mutter before she lost consciousness.

When she woke up Alison was next to her, wiping the sweat away from her cheek.

"You're okay. You're safe."

It was always the first thing Alison said to her when she woke up from a bad dream. But it didn't help much this time. Because Emily wasn't the one who was suffering in the nightmare.

She laid in the bed shivering, gripping Alison's hand tightly. She didn't say anything. She didn't move.

"Please talk to me. If I could just understand what you were…"

"He's going to find us." Her voice was hoarse from screaming.

"What?"

Emily hated the idea of Alison suffering because of her past. She'd promised she'd never let anything happen to her.

"I never should have dragged you into this."

"Stop blaming yourself." Alison's voice came out rigid and angry. She hated it when Emily did that. "I am with you no matter what."

Emily could hear the passion in her voice.

"You never stopped caring about me, did you?" Emily felt tears stinging her eyes. "Even after everything I put you through…"

"You didn't put me through anything." Alison assured her. "To be perfectly honest, I think I needed you as much as you needed me."

"What could you possibly need me for?" Emily rolled to her side, facing the blonde. "You're one of the strongest women I know."

Alison chewed on her lip. Emily had no idea just how fragile she was inside. How much her brother's incarceration ate away at her. How much she blamed herself for Emily falling into the darkness. How terrified she'd been in that motel room, drenched in Emily's blood. Emily didn't know how fractured she felt.

"I didn't know what strength was until I met you," Alison said.

Emily had been through so much, and she was still standing. Alison was amazed by her every day. The way Emily was looking at her made her feel so much at once. She could see the sadness in her eyes. A tear slipped down Emily's cheek, and it pained Alison to see it.

"Just tell me what you need." Alison leaned over her, holding her cheek.

Emily looked at her, her eyes brimming with tears. She wasn't sure why it was so hard for her to tell her. Part of her felt like she didn't deserve Alison. So when she did finally speak, her voice came out quiet.

"You," Emily said with a softness in her eyes. "I just need you."

"You have me." Alison kissed her.

Emily felt her heart beating fast for the right reasons when they met in their embrace. The kiss started out chaste, but it quickly turned into a needy fit of passion.

Alison slid her hand down against the side of her neck. Emily lifted her hands to touch her, but hesitated. All she could picture was the night she'd drunkenly climbed into Alison's bed. She never wanted to push any unwanted advances on her again. She never wanted Alison to feel small and trapped the way she had her entire life. She didn't want to take it too far. Never again.

Alison noticed her hesitance, and she knew why she was holding back.

"It's okay. You can touch me, Em." She broke their kiss long enough to kiss the side of Emily's jaw.

That was all the permission Emily needed. She pushed forward, gently rolling Alison against her back. Emily twisted around to tear her shirt off as she rolled them.

Their lips met again, this time with an intense amount of force. She slowly started to pull up Alison's teddy, the lace slippery underneath her fingertips. Once she had it off she climbed on top of her and leaned down to kiss her again.

"Are you okay to do this?" Alison pushed her forehead against Emily's. "Your therapy is the most important…"

"Fuck therapy." Emily breathed heavily against her lips. "This is what I need. You are what I need."

Alison responded with another kiss. She cradled Emily's cheeks as she felt her weight shift on top of her. Their chests pressed together, a warmth that they both needed to feel, a connection…an electricity between them as their bodies clashed.

"Are you sure, Ali?" Emily stopped long enough to look into her eyes.

"Are you?"

Emily nodded. She caressed Alison's cheek and forced her lips against Alison's again. She felt Alison's tongue prodding against her lips. She opened her mouth, allowing Alison to taste her.

There was no foreplay. Neither one of them said a word. They just stayed in the moment with one another. Emily led the encounter. Her tongue swirled against Alison's, both of them becoming breathless. Their breasts moved together as their chests heaved. Emily's fingers circled Alison's left nipple. Alison felt a strong urge to mirror her actions, but she didn't want to push Emily into anything she didn't want.

Her hand strayed dangerously close to Emily's left breast. Emily could sense what she wanted. She took a deep breath and then moved her hand over Alison's, guiding it towards her chest.

Alison gasped into their kiss when she felt the smooth skin of Emily's breast. It was hot to the touch, her nipple engorged and erect. She ran her thumb over the tip and gently pressed her index finger against it, tweaking it.

She felt Emily shiver, and she could see the goosebumps rising on her skin. Emily exhaled a shaky breath against Alison's mouth.

There was a subtle change in their kiss. Emily tensed up, and though she didn't tell her to stop, Alison could tell it was too much for her, so she pulled back and moved to focus on the kiss again.

Emily felt a flush of embarrassment. Because she'd been the one to initiate the touch.

"Ali, I…"

"It's okay." Alison pushed into their embrace. "We don't have to. Not until you're ready."

She didn't need Emily to explain anything to her. She just wanted to be with her, in any way that she could. So she held her face and gripped her bare side, bathing in her warmth.

Emily was responsive in the most sensual way, deepening the embrace. Their kisses became frenzied, like they were going to run out of time. Their bodies moved together in a rhythm set to their own making. Time existed in their motions like soft droplets of rain that took their own shape before becoming just another ripple in a body of water so large that it consumed everything.

Alison felt Emily's hand trailing against the front of her stomach and down to her groin. Alison's kisses became erratic and her breathing became labored as she felt herself getting ready for the brunette. Emily felt her wetness and smiled against Alison's lips. She swiped her fingers through her folds and felt Alison trembling beneath her. She stopped long enough to peer into Alison's eyes.

Alison nodded to let her know it was okay. She gripped Emily's cheek, holding her in place. She wanted her to know that she saw her…that she felt her.

Emily pushed two fingers into her. She watched as Alison writhed. Her mouth fell open and she moaned. Emily pressed her lips against Alison's mouth to consume her cries. She increased her tempo and added a third finger, moving with a little more conviction. Alison grasped at her back, trying to get her to go faster. Emily pushed harder, her thrusts quickening into an unforgiving pace.

Alison's body reacted so naturally to her. She wasn't even thinking as she ran her fingernails against Emily's bare back. She didn't have to tell Emily what she wanted anymore. The brunette just knew. Emily pushed her to her height, but then pulled back every time she was at the peak of her pleasure.

She was taunting her. Teasing her.

And it was so fucking hot.

Every cell in Alison's body felt like it was on fire. Emily was so good at knowing exactly how far to push her. Every time she was about to fall over the edge, Emily prolonged it.

Alison felt like she was being pulled towards the sun, and it burned in the best way. Sweat was rolling down her body. Her chest was moving up and down rapidly as she tried to catch her breath.

Her mouth dropped open and she whimpered out a quiet cry of pleasure. Emily could feel her tightening around her fingers. She pressed a kiss against her jaw and blew against Alison's ear. Alison was trying to hold out. She wanted the feeling to last forever, but it was over the second she felt Emily's lips tenderly brush against her earlobe, her scorching tongue against the sensitive flesh.

Emily pulled back to watch her as she came. She had never seen anything quite as beautiful as Alison in the throes of passion. And in the midst of it, she forgot her pain. She forgot her fears. She wasn't damaged. She wasn't broken. She was just with Alison. And Alison's pleasure was her pleasure.

Alison's body relaxed against the bed. Emily slowly moved her fingers in and out to help her ride it out. When Alison felt Emily pull her fingers out the feeling of emptiness stung for a few seconds. But then she felt Emily's weight on top of her again.

Alison pulled her down and held her, her breaths coming out heavy against the side of her neck. When she closed her eyes she felt like she was swimming in a sea that smelled exactly like the brunette. A strange blissful feeling was coming from within. She felt tears of joy burning her eyes. Her heart felt so full. She felt a pure gentle stillness inside of herself and it burned with a passion she only felt when she was with Emily.

She could feel Emily's chest heaving against hers. She could taste the salty sweat on her body. And she could sense the warmth and aching need in Emily's heart.

Her fingernails gently prodded against the back of Emily's neck as her insides continued to throb and ache for her to fill her again. Emily rubbed her thigh against the moisture that had gathered between Alison's legs. An aftershock of Alison's orgasm hit her out of nowhere and she huffed out a cry of satisfaction. And in that moment she felt it.

"I love you, Emily."

She realized the weight of the words the second she heard them out loud. It had slipped out. She'd never said that to her during sex. She knew that Emily knew it, but it was different when it was said in an intimate context. And she was hoping that it wouldn't scare Emily.

Emily picked her head up and smiled at her. She wanted to say it back. It was on the tip of her tongue, but the words scared her. She felt it, and that was enough for now. So she responded with a kiss. She rolled off of Alison, pulling the blonde into her arms. She was able to hide her fear about the joy she was feeling. She was able to stay calm, because she was overtly consumed with Alison DiLaurentis.

She wasn't thinking about Peter or the man who had ripped her childhood away from her. She wasn't thinking about anger or revenge or pain. She wasn't thinking about her declining health. She saw Alison and she felt nothing but love.

Emily felt like her life might just be reaching a turning point. Alison was guiding her, helping her find her way. The only time the rest of the world was quiet in a way that she could handle was when she was next to the blonde.

"You're beautiful." Emily held her tightly.

She heard Alison sigh happily. Alison gripped Emily's arms. She loved it when Emily held her. And Emily loved holding her. She loved everything about her. She loved the way Alison's nose crinkled when she laughed. She loved the way she mindlessly flipped her hair when she talked. She loved the way she thought of others before she thought of herself. She loved the crease in her brow when she was angry. She loved the way her skin seemed to glow when she was turned on. She loved looking into her eyes. She loved talking to her. She loved every moment they shared.

And she loved the way Alison called her name when she came. Every time.

She loved her.

She just couldn't fucking say it. Because when she heard it she only heard him choking it out of her.

Emily shuddered at the thought of it.

"I…um…I can't…"

"You don't have to explain, Em. We'll go at whatever pace you're comfortable with." She pecked her lips with a smile. "I know you feel the same way."

"I do."

"Well, at least you'll know how to say that at our wedding." Alison teased.

"Did you just propose to me after a sex romp?"

"Did you just say sex romp?" Alison laughed.

"You up for round two?"

"Always."

The second time was even better than the first. Emily's touch…and her exquisite, exquisite mouth always took Alison to new heights. Alison squeezed Emily's face with her thighs, she scratched her back, she slammed her pelvis forward with a power that only seemed obtainable in nature. She made noises that people miles away were sure to hear.

And when it was over she slouched against Emily's figure, drinking in the scent of her sweat and her love like a fine wine.

Emily loved seeing her girl satisfied. It took the sting out of her pain. It turned the darkness into light. She closed her eyes, for once not fearing the things she'd see when she was in the dark.

Her nightmares stayed at bay the rest of the night.

When she woke up in the morning Alison wasn't next to her. She rolled over and slapped the mattress. When she realized she was alone she shot up in bed, panicking. She knew it wasn't rational to freak out. Maybe Alison was in the bathroom. Or maybe she was in the kitchen making them breakfast. Maybe she'd taken Lupo for a walk.

Or maybe the psychopath who is after you snatched her in the middle of the night.

Emily kicked the covers off of her legs and jumped out of bed. She grabbed her shirt and pulled it on and then paced out of the room. She checked the bathroom first, but didn't find her. She called out her name, but got no response.

If something happens to her because of me…

She couldn't bear the thought. She couldn't let it happen again. She wouldn't.

She ran down the stairs and checked the living room and the kitchen, but found no trace. She was about to go into a full blown meltdown when she saw a flash of yellow hair through the window looking out over the backyard.

Emily breathed a sigh of relief and walked out the back door. Lupo was walking around the backyard, patrolling for squirrels like he did every morning.

Alison was leaning against the railing, watching her dog. She was already dressed.

"Morning." Emily walked up behind Alison.

Alison felt Emily's arms around her waist. Emily pressed her front against Alison's back and placed a kiss against her shoulder.

Any other morning Alison would have turned around and smiled and kissed her good morning. But she was too pissed for that. Instead, she brushed Emily off and grabbed a glass that was sitting on the banister. The mimosa was supposed to be calming her down.

"Ali?"

Alison didn't look back at her. She just coolly took a sip of her drink. Emily took a step back.

"What's wrong?" Her mouth suddenly felt dry. "Did I do something…"

Alison put her glass down, finally turning to make eye contact with her. She had a steely expression on her face.

Oh, fuck. Emily felt her heart drop.

"Was last night…did you not want to?"

Besides being stalked, that was her worst fucking nightmare…to think she'd made Alison do something she didn't want to. But she'd said she'd wanted it. Unless Emily was losing her mind.

"What?" Alison heard the panicked tone in her voice. Shit. I'm a fucking asshole. "Em, no." She glanced up at her, still holding the railing, but the anger had faded from her face. "I'll always want you. I meant every word I said last night." She paused and clarified. "Every word. That's not what this is about."

"So, then what's going on?"

Alison gripped the wooden railing. She took a breath to try and calm herself down. She finally forced herself to meet Emily's gaze.

"I know you've been lying to me." Alison tapped her fingers against the finished wood.

"What are you talking about?"

"Your phone was buzzing this morning and I grabbed it, thinking it was mine." She slid Emily's phone down the railing. "So I answered it."

Emily picked up her phone and saw the most recent call. She recognized the number immediately. Her eyes widened.

Shit. Shit. Shit!

"I can explain…"

Alison stared at her, waiting for her explanation. She had been through hell and back with Emily. And she wasn't going to give up on her. But she was done with secrets and lies. She knew their relationship was only going to make it if Emily laid everything out on the table.

A/N: Happy holidays. You get a cliffhanger as your present. -signed, The Worst Gift-Giver Ever

Hey, at least I gave you cocoa, cuddling, and bedroom shenanigans (be nice!) before I threw the curveball at you.