I went inside and paced. I was truly terrified about telling Darry. As I pressed my fingers into my temples in a futile attempt to stop the throbbing in my head I said "Deadman walking" aloud to the empty house. I knew Darry would kill me. He is so by the book that he wouldn't be able to understand this. He is going to be furious. Darry is going to pummel me into the ground.
I silently wondered if eight months ago I would have been this worried about telling him. Our relationship was different now. When mom and dad were around, he was my brother. Together we broke plenty of rules and when caught, Darry always bailed me out. I was his tag along little buddy and he taught me the ropes. I found the irony in that it was Darry who'd taught me how to sneak out of the house unnoticed; the skill that helped me get into this predicament in the first place. "Going out the window is your best bet" he'd said "the floor creaks by mom and dad's door". No, I decided finally answering my own question, eight months ago Darry would have been the first person I would have ran to. Unfortunately, we now had an unnatural relationship now with memories of sibling hijinks but with a present filled with his authority over me.
I thought about the type of conversation we might have had and shuddered when my mind trailed back to an incident that occurred about six months ago. I had taken advantage of everyone being out for the night. Although it's just the three of us boys living here, our house is never empty with Johnny, Two-Bit, Dally, and Steve hanging around. Well anyways, unbeknownst to me Darry's roofing job had been postponed due to unordered materials. Sandy and I had been on my bed enjoying the privacy when he walked in. I really wasn't expecting him home and the only think I could think of doing was sheepishly asking, "hey, how was the movie Darry?" as I hurriedly moved off her and she promptly buttoned up her shirt. He looked at me for a long while before he responded, "take Sandy home". I had begun to argue but he quickly stopped me "but nothing Sodapop" then added "take Sandy home and come right back". The authority in his voice came through loud and clear and I knew I should do exactly as I was told. On the drive, Sandy was worried, but I promised her that he wasn't mad, but I knew he was. I knew he wasn't having any more of this and if he didn't snap now, he would if it happened again.
I had hoped to sneak into the house unnoticed, but he called from the kitchen "Soda I need to see you in here". I flopped on the chair waiting for the yelling to begin. I was thankful that Ponyboy was not around to hear all this. Darry typically doesn't yell at me too much, but this was a big one. "You know Soda" he had said much too calmly "you're much too young to be um… you know". My face flushed with humiliation. Not the talk, I thought. I concentrated on the ground in front of me willing it to open and swallow me whole. But nonetheless he continued "and if you're going to, you should um… ". This is awful I thought imagining all types of hell's I would have preferred to this. I abruptly interrupted "I don't need to hear this!" He shook his head then said "You do Sodapop. The last thing you need is to get Sandy in trouble". At that point I would have done anything to have that awkward conversation end, so I blurted "we're not. OK. Do I have to paint a picture!" then I added "and I've never" just for good measure. Darry sighed with relief. "Good" he'd said obviously reassured by my statement. "Can I go now?" I asked, ready to be anywhere else. "Yeah, maybe you ought to stay home tonight and cool off a bit" Darry said, his way of telling me I had messed up and was confined at least for the night. I nodded without making eye contact. "And Soda" he'd cautioned "no girls in the house when I am not here." I acknowledged his statement with a sigh.
The problem was that now, he wasn't exactly my parent, but he wasn't exactly my brother either. Our relationship was in some type of awkward limbo where one minute we would tease one another like old times past and the next he was threatening to ground me if I was late for curfew again. For the most part, I tried to keep myself out of trouble aware that things were probably difficult for him as well. Honestly, I felt sorry for him. He didn't ask to be our makeshift father, circumstances forced it upon on him.
He walked through the door, much too soon for my tastes because I had still not gotten my thoughts together. It's now or never I told myself. I tried to speak up but ended up squeaking, "hey, I gotta tell you something Darry". He looked down to where I was sitting possibly intrigued by my tone. I was a nervous wreck. "and I don't need you hollering at me 'bout it alright" I added defensively. He looked at me, waiting for me to speak but there was nothing, just silence. I was trying, but my mouth would not form the words. "What is it?" He finally asked. I'd lost my nerve. I quickly stood and walked towards the kitchen hoping to find my missing courage there. Darry had followed me and gently put his hand on my shoulder turning me around. I don't know if I can do this, I thought. I wasn't afraid that he was going to deck me, he most certainly was, I was afraid that I had let him down. He would be so disappointed. "Soda, what's the matter" he asked in a soft tender voice "what's wrong Pepsi Cola?" His pale blue eyes locked with mine and the worry in his face made me feel worse.
I was terror stricken and could feel my heart in my throat. I must do this, I reminded myself. "Sandy" I started finally gaining the ability to speak. He was watching me and listening intently. I searched for the right words. "I reckon you know I love Sandy" I said hoping he wouldn't make me say it, but he looked at me, confused as to where this was going. I looked around the room for cues as to what to say next. "Well Sandy is in the family way" I finally blurted bracing myself for his reaction. I stood frozen. He grabbed my shirt in his fists. Truth be told, if he hit me, I wouldn't fight back.
He must have seen the panic in my eyes because in an instant, he let go. "Soda" he said, "how could you?" His face filled with disillusionment. I was ready to bawl. I wanted him to hit me or cuss at me not look at me the way he did. "We were stupid" I said fighting back tears "I'm sorry" I added pitifully. He just looked at me shaking his head in disapproval. Just please hit me I thought. "What now?" He asked obviously resigned to the situation. "I have to do right by Sandy" I said meekly. He nodded but said nothing. Honestly, I found his behavior disconcerting. "You ain't gonna yell?" I finally asked hoping his screaming would assuage my guilt. He shook his head "No Soda. I'm not" is all he said as he walked to the living room and plopped on the couch.
We both sat on the couch for an hour when the phone interrupted our silence. "It's for you... Sandy" Darry said handing me the phone. "Sodapop, it's Sandy" she said in her usual soft-spoken voice, but I could tell she'd been crying. "What's wrong" I asked worriedly. "My flight leaves in 15 minutes. I just wanted to say that the baby ain't yours and I'm sorry" she'd replied mechanically. It took a moment for the words to register and when they did, I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach. I couldn't catch my breath no matter how hard I tried. "What do you mean?" I finally managed saying as I was feeling dismayed and unbalanced. That would mean that Sandy... No, I refused to think about it. "It's not yours" she angrily repeated almost yelling and actively crying now. Her crying hurt me.
"I don't care Sandy. I love you. I want to be with you". I replied my voice shaking and the feeling despair growing at the thought of her leaving. There was silence. Then suddenly she said "But I don't want to be with you" then there was the dial tone. I couldn't move. My body felt cold. Darry sensing my distress put his hand on my back. My entire body was shaking when Darry asked, "what's wrong?" I blurted "it wasn't mine. I would have married her anyway, but she left". Darry put his arms around me and held me as I cried. This was the most awful pain I had ever experienced.