A/N: Happy Valentine's Day. I brought you pain and heartache. *slides tissues and emotional support animals over to everyone reading*
Chapter 20:
Portrait of Strength
Emily had fought many battles in her life, but in the end she'd won the most important ones…the ones inside herself. She found a sense of peace as she lied on the ground dying. She couldn't see Alison, but she could feel her. And that was enough for her. She knew that she was dying surrounded by love, and that's all she could have ever hoped for.
She was clinically dead when she was hauled off in the ambulance. The paramedics were working hard to revive her. They wouldn't let Alison on the rig. She screamed when the door closed, an agonizing yell that echoed in the trees. The pain in her ankle was nothing compared to her heartache.
The firefighters had whisked them away so they could battle the blaze. The cabin was a total loss, but they had to work to prevent the fire from spreading to the trees. Alison watched the thick black smoke through the flashing red lights.
The police swarmed them. Shana had been conscious by that point. The first responders were trying to stabilize them on the scene while they waited for additional ambulatory services. Shana could barely speak a comprehensive sentence, and Alison had gone catatonic. So when the police officers asked them what happened, neither could answer. It was just like the night Alison had killed her parents and Darren, down to the eerie coincidence that she'd shot him in the kitchen.
By the time Alison got to the hospital she was pumped full of drugs. She could barely keep her eyes open. But she had enough fight in her to try and climb off of the stretcher to go find Emily.
"Whoa, whoa, there sweetheart." A young Middle Eastern doctor stopped her from falling to the ground. Alison tried to read his badge, but everything was spinning. "You've got enough narcotics in you to knock out a horse…or a Dwayne the Rock Johnson. Besides, you don't need to be up on that ankle. I can barely maneuver these halls on two good feet. Let's get you back to X-Ray."
He seemed nice enough. But Alison still wanted to bite him to get him to let go of her and make a run for wherever the hell Emily was. But she was defenseless because of the drugs, so she just fell back against the stretcher and let them take her to see how bad the break in her ankle looked.
She was nearly drunk out of her mind when the radiologist and orthopedic surgeon walked in and explained that because of the complexity of the break she was going to have to have surgery to place two corrective pins and a plate in her bone.
"Emily…" It was the first thing she'd said since Emily had been taken away from her. "Where is Emily?"
It was the first of many times that she asked, but no one would tell her anything. She was pissed off, scared, and alone.
It didn't dawn on her to reach out to anyone. It didn't even dawn on her that she wasn't really alone.
She felt like a jackass when she saw a nurse rolling Shana into her room in a wheelchair. After they'd been taken away by different ambulances she had completely forgotten to check on her friend.
The bruising on Shana's face looked terrible. Her right eye was nearly swollen shut. She had two stitches in her lip and several more closing up a gash near her temple. She had two butterfly bandages on a cut in her forehead. She'd taken a hell of a beating.
The nurse rolled her wheelchair over to Alison's bedside.
"Hey." Alison didn't recognize her own voice. The medication was making her head feel huge, like it was filling the room.
"Hey. I'm not supposed to be out of bed, but I wanted to check on you."
"They're going to take me in for surgery to put pins in my ankle in the morning. Are you okay?"
"Concussion. Got a hell of a headache, but I don't know if it's from the hit or the drugs. He dosed me with something to knock me out." Shana flinched when she spoke. "But I've had worse. Remember when I took that bullet three years ago?"
"God, I was so pissed at you for almost dying."
"Seems to be a recurring theme in your life."
"Have you heard anything about Emily?"
Shana looked at the ground. It was hard for Alison to see her eyes. The room was so dim and her face was so swollen. But she knew what Shana was going to say.
"I'm so sorry, Alison." She reached up and put her hand on top of Alison's. "They don't think she's going to make it. The bleeding was too severe and she was just down for too long…"
"But she's still alive?"
"She's on machines that are keeping her alive. One of her lungs is a wreck. Her liver is beyond repair. They're using some artificial form of hepatic…something…I can't remember." She rubbed her throbbing head. "It's a temporary solution."
"Is she…is her brain…" Alison was afraid to ask.
"I don't think they know if she has normal brain activity yet. I think they're just going based off of her physical symptoms."
"Then she still has a fighting chance."
"Alison…"
"No. You don't know her like I know her, Shana. She'll fight. She will."
"Even if she regains consciousness there isn't anything that can be done about her liver now."
"Then I'll find something." Alison refused to accept the inevitable. She refused to believe that after everything that Emily didn't get to be happy. Shana lowered her head. Alison couldn't tell if it was because she was trying to hide her emotions or if she was dizzy. "You okay?"
"I uh…I should probably get back to bed." She glanced at the nurse. Alison squeezed her hand. Shana squeezed it back. "I'm sorry. I should have known…" Shana sighed. "She warned me. You warned me. But he just came out of nowhere…"
Despite how fast it had happened, time in that cabin had felt like it was at a standstill when they were trapped with him.
"It wasn't your fault." Alison stared at the wall, blinking back tears.
The drab shade of paint made her feel like she was staring at a projector, and it was replaying the moment she felt the butt of the gun slamming against her head as she'd been walking into the kitchen to make some tea for Emily.
"We overestimated him." Shana grimaced.
"Emily didn't." Emily had known. Emily knew she was going to have to fight. "He would have killed us. She knew that." She knew that, so she'd stepped in. She'd put her life on the line for them.
"Ali, I am so sorry. I really am. I hope you can forgive me."
"There's nothing to forgive. He's gone. She's free." Alison assured her. She saw the defeated look on Shana's face. "Go get some rest."
Shana nodded.
"I'll be back as soon as I can to check on you."
Alison squeezed her hand again and then let go. The nurse wheeled Shana out of the room, leaving Alison's nurse free to come in and check her vital signs.
"How ya feeling, honey?"
What a stupid question. Alison thought to herself. But she knew the woman was just making conversation. She let her do what she needed to do. Before the nurse could leave Alison reached for her arm.
"Can I see my girlfriend?"
"I'm sorry." The nurse sighed. "She's in ICU. And you're not supposed to be moving around." Alison wanted to scream, but the drugs were dulling her senses. "Even if I wanted to, I can't get you in. We have strict regulations for the safety of…"
"Safety?" Alison snorted. "All the shit she's been through and I'm the safety risk?"
"It's just our policy."
"Well, your policy sucks." Alison buried her head deeper into her pillow.
She waited for the nurse to leave and then picked up the phone next to her bed. She only knew one number by heart.
The number that had saved Emily's life the first time.
Aria wasn't working like she'd been hoping. She got one of their trainees. She had the kid go into her cubicle and get Cece's number. She didn't want to call Aria this late at night and risk waking Ellie up. But she knew that Cece would be awake and working at the hospital.
She hurried the kid off of the phone so she wouldn't be taking up the phone line in case someone else needed it. There were plenty of other Emilys out there who needed someone to care.
She called the hospital and bullied the receptionist into getting Cece on the phone.
When Cece answered the entire story poured out of Alison in loud uneven sobs. Cece had to tell her to slow down several times.
"Fuck, Ali. I…" She was stunned, "…I had no idea you two were going through any of this. If I had…"
"We had to keep everyone else out of it. We had to or else you all could have been hurt, too."
"Listen, I'm going to get someone to cover for me. You shouldn't be up there alone…"
"I have Shana and Emily."
"Sweetie, Emily is in a coma and Shana sounds like she's in the same shape you're in. I'm coming. No arguments."
Alison felt her lower lip quivering. She thought she was all cried out. She didn't think she had it left in her. But somehow, her body found more water to turn into tears.
"This is all just so fucked up. It's not fair. It wasn't supposed to happen like this."
"I'm on my way."
"Can you…" Her voice trembled. "Will you get in touch with Aria and Spencer for me?"
"Of course. I'll be there soon, okay?"
Alison drifted out of consciousness after she got off the phone with Cece.
She was asleep for hours.
When she woke up Cece was sitting next to her in her scrubs reading a medical book.
"Come to diagnose me with an irrational anger disorder?"
"Hey. There you are." Cece put the book down. "If anything, you're a classic case of redirection by codependency."
"How long have I been out?"
"Six hours. I got here about three hours ago. May have broken the speed barrier, but I made it in one piece."
"How the hell did you break any barriers in that little canteen you call a car?"
Cece laughed under her breath. She reached up and touched Alison's hand. There was a quiet moment of tension.
"Ali, I'm really sorry about Emily…"
"Don't go there, Cece. She's not dead yet." Though she had been asleep for six hours. What if something had happened? "Oh, God…is she?"
"No. She's still the same. I asked for an update a few hours ago. Guess since I'm still in my gear they see me as one of their own. Let's not tell them I don't even go here."
Alison opened her mouth to speak, but her jaw hurt. Every part of her face hurt. Her lips, especially the inside of her lips felt painful. And dry. She licked her lips, but it didn't help because her tongue was dry, too.
"Did you get in touch with Spencer and Aria?"
"Spencer didn't answer. She's probably got her phone on silent. She's got a really big case going on. I talked to Aria, though. She wanted to come, but I told her the best thing she could do right now is to make sure your little therapy group is taken care of. Someone is going to need to be there for them when they find out."
It amazed Alison that Cece had the foresight to think about that. She was glad someone was thinking clearly. Her head was a complete fog.
"Get some rest, hon. You look like hell."
On one of her better days Alison would have had a witty retort. But Cece was right. Alison knew her outsides matched her insides, except in terms of pain. Even though she had a broken ankle, her heart hurt worse.
She didn't argue with Cece. She couldn't argue with her. All she could do was cry herself back to sleep. Cece held her hand the whole time.
o ~ O ~ o
After Alison's surgery she turned into an utter terror to the staff. They still wouldn't let her see Emily.
After three days of the same bullshit Alison blew her top.
"I want out of this shithole." Alison moved against the side of her bed.
"Easy, you're not supposed to be putting weight on your ankle yet, not even with the cast." Aria put her hand out to stop her from standing up. She hadn't been able to stay away. She'd ridden up with Spencer the day after Alison's surgery.
"Then I will drag myself out on my ass." Alison huffed in frustration.
"What about Emily?" Spencer asked.
"I'm dragging her out, too, machines and all." She looked at Aria. "Help me into my wheelchair. I want to talk to the manager."
"Yeah, okay Karen."
But her mind was made up. She wanted to be home…to be close to her family, her support system. Even though they were with her, she was still three hours away from the only place where she had stability. She couldn't stay in this Godforsaken hospital in this Godforsaken town any longer. She wanted to be as far away from the ashes that were left from the cabin fire.
She spent half an hour arguing with someone in the legal department. They told her that if she left she'd be leaving against medical advice and that she'd have to sign a waiver. Alison asked for it on the spot. After she signed for herself she fought the same battle for Emily. That was a lot more complicated.
"I want her transferred."
"We don't recommend that." The legal aid shook her head.
"I don't give a shit what you recommend. I'm taking her home."
"I'm afraid that from a legal standpoint…"
"From a legal standpoint, you can speak to her lawyer." Spencer intervened. Alison had been fighting her battle fairly well on her own, but Spencer knew she was going to have to pull some major punches to get Emily out of the hospital. She pulled out her card and slapped it down on the desk. "Spencer Hastings. You've probably heard of my firm." She was a legend, and she knew she was a legend. "Let's just skip the bureaucracy. Cut that red tape before I cut it for you and take all your money doing it."
"I'm sorry, you're whose lawyer? Hers or Miss Fields'?"
"Both." Spencer replied coolly. "I represent both of them on behalf of the state of Pennsylvania. Trust me, you don't want this to escalate. I have medical documentation from a previous hospital of an undisclosed illness. Emily Fields has been in the care of Alison DiLaurentis for the past six months. She has legal grounds to make decisions for her healthcare."
"Do you have any documents stating…"
"Listen…" Spencer almost doubled over when she saw the woman's nametag "Karen." Of course her name was Karen. "Do you really want to get into this with me? I could drag you to court and drain your time and money or you can transfer Miss Fields home where she belongs."
Alison watched the two of them go back and forth for nearly twenty minutes. In the end, Spencer won. They were filling out forms to get Emily transferred to a hospital closer to home that same day.
The transfer was smooth, but it didn't change anything. Alison wasn't sure what she thought would change. Emily was still on a ventilator. She still needed a liver. Alison wasn't a match or she would have donated a portion of hers in a heartbeat.
Emily's friends all got tested, too, but no one was compatible. Charles and Andrew were both devastated to learn they couldn't help her. Hanna said she'd forge the right answers and give Emily part of her liver. Mona had to explain to her that Emily's body would reject it and she would die anyway.
Even Caleb came to the hospital to see if he could do for Emily what she'd done for him overseas and save her life. He wasn't very chatty with anyone, but Hanna did manage to get a smile out of him when she bluntly and flirtatiously asked what had happened to his leg.
Caleb had cheekily responded,
"Do I have you stumped?"
Despite the gravity of their situation, Hanna had burst into laughter. It had eased some of the tension in the room. Caleb then explained that Emily had saved him overseas. He said he'd give up his other leg if it would save her now.
He was unfortunately not a match. After all of their friends had been tested and no one was eligible to donate, Alison reached the end of her rope. She had no idea what to do.
She weaseled her way into the ICU the same way she always weaseled her way into Emily's room in the hospital.
She could barely see her through all of the machinery. The doctors told her that she didn't show evidence of brain damage, but that they had to keep her in a medically induced coma while she was on the temporary bypass machine.
Alison didn't know what else to do, so she just rolled her wheelchair up next to her and held her hand. She sat by her side for an hour before the nurses kicked her out.
She stayed in the waiting room doped up on pain killers for another three hours before Spencer and Aria forced her into the car and drove her home to rest.
She bitched at them the whole time.
"What if she wakes up and I'm not there?"
"They won't wake her up without you," Aria said.
"What if something happens…"
"What are you going to do? Scream at the nurses from the waiting room?" Spencer asked.
"Spencer." Aria hissed, slapping her arm from the passenger's seat.
"Sorry. I've just…there's a lot happening at work."
"I'm sorry that me and my girlfriend nearly dying inconvenienced you."
"That's not what I'm saying." Spencer was trying to be understanding about Alison's denial, but it was hard for her, because the harder that Alison clung to hope the more her heart would break when reality hit.
When they pulled into the driveway Lupo came barreling out the doggy door. Aria had brought him home, because she knew the dog would be a comfort to her.
They helped Alison into the house. Lupo was so excited to see her that he almost bowled her over. But he stopped when he saw the large clunky thing on her leg and the crutches holding her up.
Alison felt like dropping to the floor and wrapping her arms around her dog and crying into his fur. But if she fell to the ground she knew it would take her half an hour to get up, even with help.
"We've got the guest room set up for you so you don't have to use the stairs." Aria motioned towards the guest room.
The suggestion made Alison feel sick to her stomach.
"That's Emily's room."
"Well, she's not using it right now," Spencer muttered.
Fortunately, Alison didn't hear her. Aria did hear her, and she gave her the angriest look of disapproval that Spencer had ever seen. She threatened to kill her with her eyes.
"Let's get you set up." Spencer immediately changed her tone, fearing death by a tiny pixie if she didn't.
"I'd prefer to stay on the couch." She couldn't face going into Emily's room, not when she wasn't sure if she'd ever come home.
She hobbled over towards the sofa and sat down thinking,
Yes, this is where I live now. This will be my home.
"We can make that work, too. I was going to stay on the couch, but I can take your room or the spare room upstairs." Spencer nodded.
"Wait, you're staying?"
"We're taking shifts." Aria sat down on the couch next to her. "We know how hard it is for you to get around with that cast. Spencer, Cece, Hanna, Charles, Mona, Melissa, and I…we're all going to make sure you've got someone here who can get you things if you need them, and we can drive you places you need to go."
"The only place I need a ride to is back to the hospital." Alison complained. She looked at her friends. She appreciated what they were trying to do, but she was beyond annoyed at them. "No offense, but I didn't invite you guys to crash here."
"You take in helpless strays who get into bar brawls. You can make room for your best friends and your little hellions from therapy." Spencer spit her attitude back at her.
"I can't believe you conned them into it. I'm supposed to be taking care of them, not the other way around."
"They were adamant about being able to do this for you. And for Emily," Aria said.
"Did anyone think about Emily? Why isn't someone going to be there for her? She needs it more than I do."
"She's in a coma." Spencer reminded her.
"Dr. Kingston will take good care of her." Aria tried to look at the bright side. "I think Cece is going to ask for privileges so she can see her. And hey, maybe Hanna will be successful at sneaking in this time around. And Emily's friend…that guy Caleb…he seems really tech smart. He might be able to hack his way in, or at the very least pull some 'I'm a veteran. She's my sister in arms' card."
Alison took a moment to breathe and then she stared at the wall. She couldn't feel anything. She was numb.
"This really fucking sucks."
It was on a loop in her head.
This really fucking sucks. This really fucking sucks. This really fucking sucks.
It became her mantra for the next three days. Everything fucking sucked. Everything was unfair. She was angry. She was hurt. She hated everything.
The doctors asked Alison repeatedly if Emily had a living will, an advanced healthcare directive that specified what her wishes were in the event that she was being kept alive by machines.
Alison told them she didn't have one. She was stalling. She had no idea if Emily had one or not, but she didn't want to find out. She knew what Emily's mindset had been like. She knew that if she had a living will it would tell the doctors to pull the plug.
But the doctors didn't know what Alison knew. The doctors didn't see what Alison saw out at the cabin. Emily had wanted to live. She had accepted death, but she didn't want to die.
Alison sat in the ICU with her, holding her hand. She could still see her fighting, though the machines were doing most of the work for her. Alison mindlessly stroked Emily's knuckles. She couldn't see her face because of all of the tubes and wires. But she knew Emily was under all of the medical equipment.
She was so lost in thought that she barely heard what the doctor was saying. They were talking about attempting to ween her off of the sedation just enough to ask Emily if she wanted to stay on the bypass for the next month. Six weeks was the longest that was recommended. Every day she was on the machine she developed a risk for infection and blood clots and a lot of other deadly problems that Alison didn't want to hear about.
Alison looked at Cece. She had asked her to sit in with her while the doctor explained their options. She knew certain things about medicine, but she was barely able to comprehend regular sentences, much less sentences filled with technical jargon.
"It's not recommended, right?" Cece questioned.
"The stress and her pain levels could cause a problem. High blood pressure could lead to bleeding, strokes, and a failure of the current method of keeping her hepatic system functioning."
"Her liver is already dead." Alison grumbled hatefully.
She wasn't mad at the doctors, but she was mad that they couldn't fix Emily.
Cece asked all the right questions. She got all the right information. Then the doctor left them to talk about it. Cece explained it to her as best as she could. Alison didn't like the defeated look on her face.
"She's still in there." Alison hovered over Emily and swiped her hand across the brunette's forehead.
"He says there is no indication that her brain is damaged."
"What about her lung? She was so sure that the knife hit her lung." Alison cringed when she thought about seeing where the knife had gone into her body.
The look on Emily's face from that night haunted her. Alison hated that man so much for all the pain he'd caused Emily. He'd been burned to a crisp in the fire. Part of her hated that he hadn't been alive to feel his skin boiling off of his body.
"It nicked it, but that's what the chest tube is for. It's healing. They have her on a regulated amount of oxygen and if that was her only injury we'd be in better shape. But you can't live without a liver."
"I wish I could talk to her." Alison stared at Emily's chest moving in perfect sync with the machine.
"They could wake her up, but…"
"I know. I heard." Alison rubbed her eyes. She hadn't gotten any sleep since the night before the surgery on her ankle. And the only reason she'd slept that night was because of the drugs they'd shot her up with. "The hepatic thing…that means her liver, right? They've essentially just got a machine mimicking what her liver would do for her body. So…we could do something…talk to someone. Get her a liver. Find a live donor or something."
"It can take years when you're waiting on a donor liver."
"Then I'll wait with her."
"She doesn't have years," Cece said softly. "Ali, babe, you're clinging to something that's never going to happen. I'm sorry. I really am. But you need to prepare yourself. A history like hers…the self-destruction, the suicide attempts, the substance abuse…" She was trying to find a way to say it delicately.
"You think she's going to die no matter what."
"I'm sorry. It's just the way it is. It's shitty and it sucks and it's unfair. But there is only so much a human body can go through. The trauma she's endured…" Cece shook her head sadly. "I'm just trying to prepare you."
"Medicine has hardened you."
"Science is proven. I hate it sometimes. But I've seen enough of this now to know how it goes."
"Shouldn't there be faith in medicine, too? Shouldn't there be hope?"
"It's a delicate balance." Cece rubbed her forehead. She didn't realize she was sweating so much. She didn't realize she was this upset. "I've seen people pray and pray and get nothing in return. And I've seen people who don't believe in miracles and who believe in the science get a miracle they don't believe in."
Alison lowered her head, her lip quivering. In her heart she knew that Cece was right.
"She's going to die." She looked up at Cece, a heartbroken expression on her face. "They won't put her on the list. And she'll die."
"I wish things were different."
"I don't know what to do. I can't just give up on her."
"I know." Cece rubbed Alison's arm.
Alison sighed and stared at Emily. She was exhausted and lost.
"How much do you think a liver goes for on the black market?"
After a few seconds they both burst into laughter. It felt wrong to laugh, but at the same time they knew it was the exact kind of dark comment that Emily would laugh at. So they laughed for her. They laughed because she couldn't.
Their laughter carried into hallway, where someone was walking out of the room next door. They didn't realize that someone had been listening the entire time. Someone who normally would have just walked on their way, but happened to see Emily's name listed on the whiteboard outside her room. That person listened as Alison's laughter turned into sobs of sorrow. They heard everything.
After the crying stopped the hospital halls were silent. The silence was one of the loudest noises in the world.
Alison couldn't sleep that night. She laid on her couch, her ankle throbbing. Her brain was firing on all cylinders. Lupo was curled up next to her, shedding all over her cast. But she didn't care. She mindlessly stroked the dog's head. He'd been depressed because he knew Alison was hurt. Alison assumed he also missed Emily.
Around midnight Lupo hopped off of the couch and wandered towards Emily's room, looking for her. He did that a lot. Alison waited for him to come back. When he didn't return she went hobbling after him. Getting around her house with the cast had been a nightmare, but she'd gotten better at it.
"Lupo," she quietly called, trying to get him to come out of Emily's room.
Alison hadn't been able to go into her room yet. She couldn't bear to see it empty. But the dog was stubborn and refused to come out. So she went in after him.
She pushed the door open. The energy of stepping inside was overwhelming. What had once been a guest bedroom now had Emily's signature all over it. Her drawings. Her clothes. Her duffel bag. There was a pair of jeans hanging over the back of a chair. It was weird, but Alison knew exactly when she'd worn them last. The night Peter had been shot.
Lupo was curled up on the bed, his tail circling most of his body. He had his snout buried underneath the big bushy thing. The tip of it started wiggling when he saw Alison.
"You miss her, too, huh?" Alison asked.
The dog lifted his head and looked at her. Alison grabbed the jeans, wondering if maybe Emily's scent would be on them. Maybe it would comfort Lupo. She moved over towards the bed and sat down on the edge of it. She put the jeans in front of him and let him sniff them. Then she laid them down. Something crinkled from inside the back pocket. Alison saw a white strip poking out of it and she grabbed it. It was a piece of paper. It looked like motel stationary.
She unfolded the paper. Her heart seized in her chest when she saw Emily's handwriting. For someone with such a messy mind her handwriting was impeccable. She saw her name at the top.
"Alison…"
That was all it took for the tears to flood her eyes. She read the rest while clutching her chest,
"Alison, I just need you to know that if I could do it all over again, I would. Everything we are…everything I am…it's because of the love that you gave me. You gave me the courage to live when I wanted to die. Even when I slipped…you were there to help me back up. You never gave up on me. I've only made it this far because of the night we met. And while I regret what it did to you, I don't regret how it brought us together. I don't know if that makes me selfish. But I'll take selfish over the fear of not knowing you. I know I've never told you this, but I hope you know it all the same…I love you. My whole life, I've never loved anything more. Just know that I always will. I will always love you."
Alison didn't remember slipping off of the bed or sitting on the floor against frame, but that's where she ended up. She started sobbing loudly. Lupo immediately jumped off of the bed and pushed his snout into her face, desperately trying to lick away her salty tears.
That's where Cece found them five minutes later. Alison's cries had woken her up. Cece walked into Emily's bedroom and found Alison crumpled up on the floor. Alison had the note clutched tightly to her chest.
Cece fell to her knees and engulfed her in a hug. Alison's wet cheek fell against Cece's nightgown.
"I won't give up on her. I can't," she said it over and over again for several minutes. She worked herself up until she couldn't breathe. Cece had to talk her through her panic. "I don't want to lose her."
"I know," she sighed. "Ali, listen…"
"No. No, I don't want to hear it. Please…just leave me alone."
"I'm going to let you feel what you're feeling, hon. Cry all you want, but you have to get up. There is something we need to talk about."
"What?" Alison wiped her eyes.
"I made a few phone calls yesterday. I didn't know if anything was going to come of it. I didn't tell you, because I didn't want to get your hopes up. But…I've been talking to some of my friends in the field. And I got in contact with someone who might be able to help."
"A donor? Did you find a donor?" Alison asked, begged.
"No. But I got you a meeting with the board of UNOS. I told them about Emily. I can only tell them so much though. They won't take much consideration from me because I'm not her doctor. I asked Dr. Kingston to talk on her behalf, and he did. But I think it would be beneficial if you talked to them, too."
"Me? But…I thought that was strictly for doctors. Why me?"
"Because as much as we can appeal for her medically, only you can get the board to understand on an emotional level. They usually don't go for this kind of thing. It's rare. You have to tell them who she is. Tell them why she needs to be at the top of the list. Tell them what makes her qualified to receive a new liver."
Alison didn't know what to say at first. She stared at Cece in shock. She was afraid she was dreaming, but then she remembered the pain in her ankle.
"Oh my God, Cece…" She was speechless. She wrapped her arms around her and started crying again. "Please…please tell me this will work."
"It's not up to me." Cece pulled back and wiped Alison's face with her fingertips. There was a beat of silence. Cece frowned. "You look like shit. Come on. You need to get some sleep." She helped Alison to her feet. "Let's get you back to the couch."
Alison looked around Emily's room, and she realized that being there was helping her feel closer to her. She heard Lupo whine. He put his feet up on Emily's bed and hauled his big ass on to her mattress again. Alison realized he had the right idea.
"I…I um…I think I want to stay in here."
Cece helped her sit against the edge of the bed. Alison swung her cast up and then got herself situated next to her dog. Cece walked to the other side and pulled up the comforter. She slid next to Lupo. Alison gave her a bit of side eye, but Cece didn't budge. She wasn't leaving Alison to drown in her misery.
Alison stared up at the ceiling, just like Emily had done so many times before. She wondered if the brunette had found all the imperfections in the ceiling…or if she wondered what went beyond that ceiling.
"We're going to do everything we can, Ali."
"I just hope it's enough."
That night was the first night she slept. She had a dream about Emily. They were sitting on her front porch, holding hands and looking at the stars.
o ~ O ~ o
Alison watched Aria walk up to the podium. Aria was nervous at first. She shifted and cleared her voice into the microphone accidentally. The feedback screeched and she took a step back. They didn't really need the mic. It was just the way the room was set up.
"I'm Aria. I work in the call center where Emily called the night she met Alison. And then I got to know her through Alison. I've only known Emily for a short period of time, but in that time I've gotten to know a wonderful…complicated person."
Aria addressed the four doctors sitting in front of her. She cleared her throat again. Alison wasn't sure why she was nervous. She dealt with situations much more detrimental at work. Maybe she was just shaken up because Emily's life was on the line.
"I say 'complicated' because I know you know her history. But I'm here today to tell you that what you see in her records does not indicate who she is at her core. She has always put others before herself." Even her second suicide attempt. In a warped way she'd been trying to protect Alison. "In life. In family. In combat. She fought a hard battle not only overseas, but at home. And I know hard battles. My job entails helping people fight these battles. But that's what we do when we're human. Emily fought battles overseas that we couldn't fight for ourselves. And when it came time for us to fight battles that she couldn't, that's where we stepped in. Because that's what we do for each other. It's not right to deny Emily Fields a life after she was given a chance to finally live that life." Aria shuffled her feet and looked at the doctors, trying to hold their gaze. "Plus, animals and kids love her. And they're never wrong."
There was a little bit of light laughter. A few of the people on the board jotted down notes. They had Aria step down and Hanna walked up next. Alison had been nervous about letting anyone from the support group speak. She didn't want to focus on Emily's past transgressions, but she thought it was important to show how far Emily had come.
"Hi, Your Honors…"
"Not judges, Han." Spencer coughed out.
"Sorry. Your Doctor Honors. I'm Hanna," Hanna said. "Emily and I hit it off the second we met. She's one of my closest friends, which is probably weird to hear about someone who hasn't known a person for a long time. But I knew she was special when I met her. I could tell who she was just from her spirit. She takes care of people. She took care of me. She didn't have to, but she did. That's what we do. That's what Alison created. She created a family. And Emily is part of that family. I would give her every functioning part of my body if I could. I want to see her thrive. I want to see her and Alison have the life they deserve. Because my family…they're what keeps me…what keeps a lot of us going." Hanna looked at everyone from the support group, who had come to speak for Emily. "What happened to Emily wasn't her fault. She deserves the best. And I'm here because I want that for her. I'll do whatever it takes." She paused and stared at the doctors. "Seriously, I'll pay you."
"Hanna." Aria shook her head and made a cutting motion at her throat to tell her to stop talking. Hanna didn't get the memo.
"What?" Hanna frowned at Aria. She rolled her eyes and then faced the doctors again. "Okay, fine, I won't pay you. I don't actually have the money." She motioned towards Spencer. "Spencer will pay you."
Alison pushed Hanna to wrap it up…and she did, but not before telling the doctors that she'd sue them if they let Emily die.
Charles was next. He talked a lot, despite his healing broken jaw. He knew now that Emily's stepfather had been the one who attacked him. But he told the doctors he didn't regret being Emily's friend. In fact, he said he admired her more knowing the volatile household she'd lived in, and how very different she had turned out from the monster who had left him for dead.
Melissa and Mona talked about Emily and how she'd showed them kindness in their support group. They reiterated everyone else's points.
When they finished Caleb walked up to the podium. He stared at the doctors who had his friend's life in their hands.
"Sergeant Caleb Rivers." He kept eye contact with them. "I know you've got a lot of debate ahead of you, so I'll just cut to the chase. I wouldn't be standing here today if it wasn't for Emily Fields. She saved my ass overseas. And then she saved it again when I got so down on myself I didn't want to live anymore. She talked me out of some tight spots. Despite where her head was at, she was stable enough to help me keep my head on straight. She is a war veteran. A hero. And she deserves a damn liver more than anyone else I've ever met. I don't give a shit what her file says. She deserves it. We fought together. We risked our lives together…so that people like you could sit up there and freely make the choice on who lives and dies. We fought so you could safely save lives here." He ran his fingers across the side of the podium. "Emily Fields deserves to live."
He didn't say anything else before he stepped down.
Spencer was the second to last. Alison had been surprised when Spencer told her she wanted to lobby for Emily, given her mixed feelings on their relationship.
"I'd like to first start by saying that we appreciate you coming here to hear our concerns. I know you've spoken to Cece at length and we're thankful that you are here today." No one was surprised that she'd started formal. That's just who Spencer was as a person. "Emily and I have always been on the opposite end of…well…everything. We don't really have much in common except Alison. I can't stand here and claim to know her as well as everyone else, because I simply don't. They've gotten to know her in a way that I haven't. And I'm starting to see now that keeping her at a distance was a mistake. Because now I can see the way she loves. I know how much she loves Alison. And Alison loves her just as fiercely. That love is why we're here today."
Spencer looked at her friend. Alison gave her a teary-eyed look of appreciation. Spencer had never understood their relationship, but she had always supported their love.
"We're here because Alison refused to give up on Emily. From the very start. The two of them worked incredibly hard together to bring Emily back from the darkest place that a person can go. If you let this woman slip through the cracks you are going against everything the medical industry stands for. You exist to help people heal. And through the time I've seen her spend with Alison I have seen that healing happen. Don't take that away from her. Don't take away my best friend's love. Don't take away what Emily fought for."
They had to take a short break because Alison was crying so hard. She had to pull herself together before walking in front of the four people who would be deciding if Emily lived or died. It was an emotional moment for her.
The entire room was silent when Alison stepped up to the podium, her cast thunking against the hard floor. She leaned her crutches against the table next to the podium and adjusted the microphone. She cleared her throat and could hear it echoing in the room. Unlike when Aria spoke, there was no screeching feedback. They could hear her softly breathing.
"I'm Alison DiLaurentis," she said. "I think everyone here has painted a picture of who I am in relation to Emily. I'm pretty sure Cece did as well. I know that you spend a lot of time learning the background of your potential transplant recipients. I know you've probably heard every story in the book. But I guarantee you haven't heard this one. Cece explained to me that you make decisions based on medical credentials, but I want to explain to you that there is more merit to allowing Emily to be moved to the top of the list than just what you see written down."
Alison took a shaky breath. She felt a rising tension in her body. She knew that Emily's life hung in the balance. And she'd promised her. She'd promised she wouldn't give up.
"Emily and I met through a suicide hotline, something I know you're familiar with, because you've been reviewing her medical records to determine whether she is a candidate. I know what she looks like on paper. I know that she looks destructive and impulsive. But even at her worst, she has the best of her worst qualities. She is passionate and thoughtful. She's determined and dedicated. And yes, she's had her dark moments. But even when she was in the dark, she reached for the light. She called that hotline because she wanted to live. She wants to live. She was suffering that night. She's been suffering her whole life. Her father was killed in front of her when she was a child. Her mother died after giving birth to her little sister. And her stepfather made her life a living hell. He's the reason she's in this position in the first place."
She clenched the podium angrily, because fuck him.
"After her little sister was killed she joined the army. She had lost almost everyone she ever cared about, except for her brother. She could have given up, but she didn't. She enlisted in the army to serve this country. She saved lives. She fought alongside her brother. And then he was killed in an attack that nearly took Emily's life, too. But she survived. And she came home. She was hurting, but she found the courage to reach out. She found me. And I mean that in more than one way. Yes, she sought out my help, but that night she found me. And because of that night I'm alive." Emily had helped her as much as she'd helped Emily. "Emily Fields saved my life. More than once. She's saved numerous lives."
Alison took a moment to take a breath. She could feel her hands trembling.
"I want you to understand that she's more than just the sum of the mistakes she's made. She's a friend, a girlfriend, and a veteran. She is an inspiration to keep going. This woman has been through hell and back. She survived a brutal childhood and massive trauma and abuse. She lost her entire family and she's still here. She risked her life for everyone she was stationed with overseas. She risked her life for me and a decorated officer of the law. She's in the hospital because she was attacked. She was stabbed protecting me. Not because of anything she did wrong. She made mistakes when she was at the height of her pain. And I understand why her liver failure prior to the attack in the Poconos is a concern for you. I do. But as the closest person she has in the world I can tell you that she is trying to change. She is trying to do better. She doesn't drink. She tries to exercise, despite the pain she's in from her previous injuries. This is a woman who has nearly died several times over, but she is still here. She is here because she is meant to be here. And she deserves to be here."
When Alison was finished talking Aria and Spencer stepped up to help her hobble away from the podium. The doctors thanked them all for their input and then excused themselves to discuss the testimony on Emily's behalf.
o ~ O ~ o
It took them two hours to decide Emily's fate. Alison was in the waiting room of the hospital when she got the call.
When she hung up the phone she screamed angrily. She nearly lost her balance on her crutches. She kicked over a garbage can with her good foot. She felt like finding someone and ripping their liver out of them. Where was Hannibal Lector when you needed him?
Her outburst disturbed a woman sleeping against a set of chairs. The woman nearly fell into the floor. Alison didn't have it in her to apologize. She glanced at the woman. She thought she recognized her. But she'd spent so much time in the waiting room lately that she was starting to recognize faces.
She didn't know where she knew the woman from, but the woman knew exactly who she was. She'd heard Alison talking to Cece about Emily a few days ago.
The woman walked out of the room while Cece once again tried to be the voice of reason – to calm her down. Cece was just as stunned by their decision.
"I thought for sure they'd consider it once they knew the full story…"
"Emotions mean nothing to them. Everything is analytics and numbers and statistics. Humans aren't even humans anymore. We're all just big dumb lab rats to them. They're coldhearted bastards. Every single one of them." Alison's crutches tapped against the floor as she paced and fretted. "Why even ask us to talk if they weren't going to listen?"
"I'm sorry." Cece sighed.
"Don't be. At least you tried. It's not your fault they're fucking morons who won't give my girlfriend a liver." She plopped down in a chair, exhausted. She buried her head in her hands and screamed. Cece sat down next to her. Alison slowly pulled back. She looked at the clock, and then faced Cece. "You're late for work."
"I can be a little late." Cece shrugged it off. "I'm sure the people bleeding out and the industrial workers with severed limbs won't mind waiting."
"Seriously, go. Aria will be by with Hanna later. I need some time to think anyway."
She was bluffing. She was seconds away from falling apart, but she stood her ground, hoping that Cece would buy it. Cece scrutinized her, but Alison maintained her strength. Cece squeezed her hand before she left.
It had been a while since her friends had left her alone. Though she wasn't completely alone. She looked over at the woman she'd startled with her outburst. She could see the dark circles under her eyes from across the room. She looked like she was living in the hospital.
Alison sat in silence for nearly half an hour. She stared at the mess she'd made. She slowly moved down to the floor and started picking up the trash she'd scattered all over the floor. The woman waiting with her got up without a word and walked over to help her. They didn't say anything.
Alison went to wash her hands and when she got back the woman was sitting across the room texting on her phone. She had her earbuds in. Alison leaned her head back against the wall and closed her eyes.
She tried to push all the pain away. She tried to pretend none of this was happening. She tried to act like sitting in the hospital waiting room was normal, that it was just a part of her life.
She felt a shadow falling over her and she was certain it was Aria. But something felt different. Something smelled different. Then she heard his voice.
"If I were twelve again and this was a slumber party I'd be putting shaving cream in your hand and tickling your nose with a feather."
Alison opened her eyes and stumbled to her feet, grasping the chair to support her weight on her bad leg. She had to be dreaming. She hadn't slept in days. It had to be a delusion.
"Jason?"
"Hey, kid."
"How?" Alison nearly fell to the floor. He grabbed her to keep her from collapsing. He's real. Holy shit, he's really here.
"Heard what happened. Lobbied for compassionate furlough." He pulled his pant leg up to reveal an ankle monitor. "Shana pulled some strings. It was a hard sell, but someone did try to kill you and your girlfriend, so it was enough to grant me temporary freedom. Took a little longer than I thought. I've got to be back by the morning, but I'm here now. I'm here, Ali."
"Everything is so fucked, Jase." She dropped her head and started to cry. She hated that she was crying when she should be happy to see her brother.
He wrapped his arms around her and she crumbled into his body, sobbing. She had missed hugging her big brother. She didn't realize how much she needed him until that very moment. He moved towards the chairs, still holding her in his arms. He pulled her to sit down. Her tears soaked his shirt. He just let her cry it out.
When she was done she wiped her nose on his shirt.
"You're gross," he teased her.
"Shut up." She laughed half-heartedly. Leave it to her brother to make her smile. "I'm glad you're here."
"How did it go with the board? I was trying to get out in time to talk to them with you. Guess I just missed the mark."
"It probably wouldn't have helped anyway. Those bastards had their minds made up before any of us said anything."
"To hell with them." Jason frowned. "Let's find our own liver."
"They aren't exactly just lying around."
"Yeah, I know. I looked in to see if I could be a living donor. The laws are a little murky when it comes to inmates donating their organs. It says immediate family only."
"They make it so impossible for people to live. It's unfair."
"I could pay someone to shiv me in the chest and leave direct orders to give my liver to Emily."
"Jason DiLaurentis, I will kill you." Alison smacked her brother's shoulder.
"That was my plan. You want to do it?"
"Don't tempt me. I still haven't forgiven you for ripping the head off my Barbie when I was six."
"Mmm, yes, I don't believe I've paid proper penance for that."
"That might be the most ironic thing you've ever said." She sighed and wrapped her arms around his bicep. She leaned her head against his shoulder.
It was quiet for a few minutes. Their time to smile had passed. He put his hand on top of hers.
"How are you doing?"
"Are you seriously asking me that while we're sitting in the hospital waiting on some miracle for my girlfriend in ICU?" Alison moved her head and looked up at him.
"Not with Emily." He knew she was a fucking wreck about Emily. "I meant you. How are you?" He looked at her ankle. "You were stalked and had the shit beat out of you by a psycho. And you killed him." Rightfully so. Jason would have done the same. But he knew his sister was easily shaken.
"Well, that's what I do best," she huffed sarcastically.
"Shh. Keep that down."
"Why? What's the point? If Emily dies there is no point to you being in that prison cell. There's no point to anything I do."
"You started that hotline to help people. Don't lose sight of that."
"I don't see much of anything these days." Alison sighed. "You know, I used to wonder how low someone must feel to need to reach out because they were thinking about taking their own life. But I get it now. I understand what it's like to feel completely hopeless."
"That feeling will pass," Jason said, squeezing her hand. "It always does. At least for me." He saw the stunned look on her face. He'd never told her about his struggles. "We were raised by terrible people. And I saw a bunch of people blown up. Yeah, I've had some fucked up thoughts. Not in a long time though."
"I'm a bad sister. I haven't even asked how you're doing."
"It's not about me right now." He moved to stand up. "I'm going to get you something to eat and drink. By the looks of you you haven't had a meal in days."
"I'm not hungry."
"Tough shit." Jason patted Alison's arm. "I'll be right back. You just take it easy."
Alison didn't argue with him. She watched him walk around the corner. It was so weird to see him without all the chains on. She still couldn't believe he was here. It didn't feel real.
She didn't see the woman approaching her from the side. She didn't hear her footsteps until she was right next to her.
"You're Alison, right?"
Alison stood up, holding her weight against the chair to stay balanced. It was the woman she'd woken up with her tantrum. She looked so familiar. Where did she know her from?
"Do I know you?"
"I'm Veronica…Ronnie. I'm Peter's sister."
"Oh." Alison wasn't sure what to say. Her brain felt like mush.
"Your girlfriend tried to save my brother after he was shot."
"Yeah. I…I'm so sorry about that." She felt incredibly guilty. Because it was her involvement in trying to protect Emily that had gotten Ronnie's brother shot. If she'd never had Jason hire his friend it never would have happened. "How is he?"
"He's gone." She looked at the floor. "Not medically, but mentally he's not there. The only reason we have held on for this long is because of his daughter. It's been…" She blew out a heavy breath. "She's devastated."
"I'm sorry." She repeated. They felt like empty words. She'd heard them expressed so much lately that they'd lost all meaning. "What happened to him sucks. And I know it might sound like just another generic 'I'm there for you', but if you need anything please let me know."
She meant it more than the woman would ever know. Because she owed it to her.
"I appreciate that." Ronnie smiled weakly. "I'm sorry to hear about Emily."
Alison looked at the floor. She stared at the cast on her foot. She tried to focus all of her energy on the dull ache in her ankle. It was easier than letting the emotional floodgates open.
"I heard about what happened," Ronnie said. "I heard that she was hurt trying to protect you?"
"Emily did what she always does…what she learned to do overseas." What she'd learned to do at home with her brother and sister. "She risked her life for other people." Alison tried not to cry. "A friend of mine and I were in danger. Emily put herself between a madman and us. And she was stabbed in the process."
"It's her liver, right?"
"How did you know that?"
"You hear things when you live in the hospital with an ailing loved one." She shrugged. She peered at the wall as if she was watching her memories being played out like a home movie. "You know, my brother has never been what people would consider a good man. But he was like Emily once. He put himself out there for the people he loved. He went into the business to protect me from an abusive boyfriend. It spiraled from there. But he never lost that spark of love. He never stopped caring about his family. And Samara…" She said with a smile. "He loves that little girl. He's a damn good father. The day he was shot he'd just come from her career day at school. And this was after he'd worked the night shift at the bar. He was a 'bad guy', but he wasn't a bad guy."
"I get it." Alison nodded. "People are complicated. We all have our baggage."
"Samara asks about Emily. She really liked her. When I found out she was here in the ICU I felt terrible. It's insane to me that she ended up right next to Peter. It makes me wonder if she was the target the day at the docks. Makes me wonder if my brother was in the wrong place at the wrong time. But I can't change that."
"I uh…" Alison stuttered. "I'm sorry? I don't…I don't follow."
"I heard you talking to your friend the other day…about Emily, about wanting to save her. And after a lot of thought…and prayers…I've decided that I want to help. I think…I think Peter would want to help. Your Emily…she looked after my niece. And I know that would mean more to Peter than anything in this world. Your girlfriend…she's something special."
"She is." Alison felt tears stinging her eyes. "She really is."
"I'm in charge of my brother's medical affairs." She took a shaky breath. "We're taking him off life support tomorrow." Her eyes were glazed with tears. Alison understood that pain. Part of her wanted to hug her, even though she was a complete stranger. There was an awkward silence in the room. Ronnie shifted on her feet and cleared her throat. "He's an organ donor."
Alison's hand shot out looking for something to support her weight. She thought she was going to pass out. Was she saying what Alison thought she was saying?
"I had his doctor check to see if he could potentially be a donor for her." Her gaze slowly met Alison's. "I got the results yesterday. They're a match. And while it's unorthodox, a family can make the request for a direct donation…"
Alison lunged forward, engulfing her in a hug.
Don't let this be a dream. Please let this be real.
She felt Ronnie hugging her back. Something about the moment transcended the fact that they didn't know each other. Something about that moment made them family. They both started to cry. Two strangers in the middle of the hospital holding one another, feeling both the pain of loss and the joy of life.
"Thank you." Alison sobbed. "Thank you so much."
She felt the weight that she'd been carrying slowly being lifted off of her chest. She felt like she could breathe again. She knew it was the opposite for Peter's sister. She'd be carrying the weight of his death for the rest of her life. But the woman still had the compassion and common decency to tighten their hug and quietly reply,
"You're welcome."
Their embrace lasted for several minutes. They were both shaking when they pulled away. Their cheeks were stained with tears. Their eyes were red and puffy. They were bonded in the worst way possible.
As Alison waited on her brother to get back with food that she fully intended on sharing with Veronica, the two women talked. Alison told her more about Emily. She told her about how hard she'd had to work to overcome the pain in her past. She talked about all her near brushes with death. She talked about the people she'd saved overseas.
Veronica talked about Peter. Her story was similar to Emily's. She'd lived in a volatile household when she was a child. Their father was verbally and emotionally abusive. Her mother would slap them sometimes. Her brother had always protected her. He'd taught her self-defense at an early age. When he turned sixteen he ran away with her in tow. They'd never looked back. Their parents didn't care that they were gone. It had been up to Peter to support his little sister, so he did every odd job that he could. It wasn't until Veronica had gotten involved with a man who hit her that he took a turn towards the darker aspects of underground work.
She admitted that he'd done some bad things, but after his daughter was born he showed a new side of himself. Veronica explained how he'd read to Samara every night when she was a baby. When she started walking he'd followed her around the house to make sure she didn't fall over and hurt herself. When she started talking she was bossing him around, making him play princess and tea party with her.
Alison listened to her story. She listened to Peter's legacy. Because Peter had done some terrible things, but he was still a human. And he was going out on top. He was saving lives.
It reminded Alison that sometimes "good" and "bad" wasn't always black and white. Sometimes people's actions didn't define them for life. Sometimes people could change.
o ~ O ~ o
The next day, as Veronica was saying goodbye to her brother, Alison was sitting in the waiting room with her friends…her family. All she could think about was the fact that Samara had to say goodbye to her daddy. It was hard to stomach.
Alison had dedicated most of her adult life to being there for others. And they had turned out in kind for her. Everyone who knew and loved Emily was there supporting Alison.
Aria was sitting on one side holding her hand. Jason was on the other side holding her other hand. Shana had appealed to the court to extend Jason's compassion furlough. He hadn't left his sister's side.
Spencer and Cece were in charge of getting updates. Hanna and Mona were in charge of food. Charles, Andrew, and Melissa stayed for moral support. Caleb even pitched in when someone needed something. He chatted with Hanna about his time with Emily overseas.
It was hard for Alison to let others help her. All she wanted to do was crawl into a hole somewhere and stay there. Because all she could think about were the "what ifs" and everything that could go wrong. It was hard to grasp that someone else was dying so Emily could live. It was poetic in a way. Someone who had once been set on killing her had ended up saving her.
It was a long tedious day. The transplant took seven and a half hours. It was late when the surgeon finally came to talk to them.
Alison stood up, nervously ready to greet him. She balanced herself on her crutches.
"The transplant went well," he said. Alison felt a wave of relief. "We'll monitor her tonight. She'll be in the ICU for a few days and if she responds well we'll move her to a regular room."
There was a blend of relieved sighs and victorious cheers, compliments of Hanna and Charles.
Of course, Alison's first statement was,
"I want to see her."
"We'll know more in the morning. She needs to stay isolated tonight."
Alison looked at him like it was the dumbest thing she'd ever heard. She was getting back to Emily's room even if she had to bulldoze her way through him.
"That wasn't a question." Alison explained. "I appreciate everything you've done to save my girlfriend, but if you try to keep me from her it's not going to end well for you. You can talk to my lawyer." She motioned to Spencer.
"Spencer Hastings." Spencer reached out to shake his hand.
Her name sparked a flame of recognition on his face. He knew exactly who she was. The surgeon frowned. He looked annoyed, but he relented.
"You'll need to follow sterile protocol." He waved for Alison to follow him.
Alison hobbled after him.
"Tell her we love her." Hanna called after her.
Alison turned around before disappearing through the double doors. She took a moment to appreciate the family that they'd built. Sometimes, chosen family was better than anything else in the world.
"I will," Alison said.
It would be just the thing that Emily would need for motivation, because Emily had a complicated relationship with love and life. She'd spent so much of her life feeling worthless and unworthy. She found it very hard to love herself. She didn't care about her own life, but she'd always cared about others. It was only because of the love and support that she'd had from their family that she'd been able to make it through the darkness. Hopefully when Emily woke up and found out how everyone had rallied for her it would give her something to live for.
Alison didn't say much of anything when she walked into Emily's room. She just wanted to see her. She wanted to see that she was still alive. The doctor had told her to be very careful about touching her, because they didn't want to risk her getting a post-op infection.
Alison very carefully touched her hand and quietly told her she was going to be okay. She told her she loved her.
She gave her hand a gentle squeeze. She swore she felt Emily squeeze her hand back, but she knew it was only her imagination. Or maybe it was Emily's subconscious speaking to Alison's subconscious.
"You just rest, Em," she said. "I'm going to be right here when you wake up. I promise."
Fortunately, it was a promise she was able to keep. She convinced the doctors to let her stay. She swore she wouldn't be a problem. Alison had a way with getting her way in the hospital. She knew how to manipulate people.
Alison stayed next to her all night. She listened to the sound of the IV pump giving Emily the medicine she needed to stay alive…the anti-rejection meds. She listened to the sounds of the tube delivering oxygen to Emily's body. She watched her chest rise and fall. She watched the lines on the machines monitoring her vital signs. Alison's eyes followed the rise and fall of her heart rate as she watched the numbers slowly fluctuate. Even though she knew she was alive, she looked for continuous proof that she was really alive.
The doctors slowly weened Emily off of the sedation overnight. By the morning she was starting to slowly come out of it. The nurse encouraged Alison to talk to her to curb some of her confusion.
Emily mumbled under her breath with her eyes closed. Her voice was hoarse from the tube that had been in her throat. She kept saying something that Alison had to struggle to hear. Finally she made out the words that Emily was saying over and over.
"It's quiet." Her eyes were still closed, but she was squeezing Alison's hand. "It's so quiet."
"I'm right here. I promised you. I'm right here."
"It stopped. It all stopped." Emily clenched her jaw.
"What stopped?"
"The noise. It's gone. I think…" She drifted off for a few seconds. "It's pretty. It's so bright."
Alison looked at the nurse in concern. She wasn't talking like someone who was coming back to life. She was talking like someone who was dying.
"It's okay. It's normal for people to be a little out of it when they're coming out of sedation," the nurse explained.
"Hey, you're in the hospital. You're going to be okay." Alison reassured her.
"Mmm," she mumbled. "You sound nice. I'm glad I called you. No one wants to die alone."
The conversation suddenly struck a chord in Alison. She knew exactly what was on Emily's mind. The night of her overdose.
"I don't really know why I called. I think…maybe because no one wants to die alone."
Alison lowered her voice and leaned closer.
"You're alive, Emily. You're alive, and I'm here."
Emily stilled in the bed. Her fingers tightened around Alison's hand as her eyes fluttered open. She was dazed at first, unsure of what she was looking it. It took her a moment to get focused. She stared at the blonde hovering over her with the strangest feeling of de ja vu.
It was very different from the first night they'd been in the hospital together. She didn't panic. She didn't struggle. The bed didn't feel like a prison. The world didn't feel heavy. She wasn't angry. The pain was there, but it was bearable.
She looked at Alison with a confused expression on her face. It didn't feel real. It felt like a dream. Because it didn't make sense that after everything…she was still alive. She blinked to clear the haze from her eyes.
"Alison?"
"Hi."
Emily still looked confused. She reached up. Her arms felt weak. Her muscles had slowly started to deteriorate in the bed. But she had enough strength to lift her hand and touch Alison's face. She could see the tears in her eyes.
"Is this heaven?" Emily kept her hand on Alison's face.
Alison felt a tear slip down her cheek. It just added to Emily's confusion.
"Angels don't cry." Emily swiped her finger against the tear to brush it away. "Don't cry, Ali. Don't be sad."
"I'm not." Alison smiled through her tears. "You're here. And I'm so glad you're here."
Emily slowly lowered her hand, unable to support the weight of her arm. She was going to have a long way to go with physical therapy. She smiled at Alison. She looked drunk, but through the haze of the medication Alison could see traces of the girl she loved.
"I'm glad I'm here, too."
It was music to Alison's ears. The girl who had wanted to die being grateful for life. Or perhaps she was just grateful for who she had in her life.
"We have the rest of our lives, Em. We get to have our forever."
Emily continued to smile at her. She looked tired, but she was forcing herself to stay awake. Because she'd missed looking at Alison's face. She didn't want to miss another moment.
"Forever sounds good." However long forever was. "As long as I get to spend it with you."
Alison wanted to kiss her so badly, but she'd been advised not to because of the transplant. They had to be very careful because her immune system was susceptible. Emily seemed to understand it without being told. She could feel the dull ache where she'd been cut open. She reached for Alison's hand without saying a word.
She kept her eyes open for as long as she could, but the medications were making her drowsy. Alison told her to stop fighting it.
"You need your rest."
Emily nodded, her eyelids fluttering. The room was quiet for a few minutes. Alison listened to the rhythmic beeping of her heart monitor.
"Ali?" she mumbled as she was drifting off to sleep.
"Hmm?"
There was a beat before she responded.
"I love you."
The words touched a part of Alison that had never been touched. It was if someone had turned on a bright warm light in her chest. Emily had so much trouble with those words. The trust that they had built had given her the confidence to say it. Alison could feel the words in her heart. It was an explosion of life being given to her very soul.
"I love you, too." Alison closed her eyes and lifted her head, heaving out a sigh of relief. She felt like she was able to breathe again.
She thought about how many times she'd nearly lost this girl. Emily was a warrior. A soldier who fought for everything, including a life she didn't even want in the first place. This was a woman who had stared death in the face more times than anyone should, and though in her mind she wanted to die…something deep inside of her was fighting to live.
Emily Fields was someone who should have been dead nearly six times over. She'd been running from the grim reaper since she was six-years-old. The shooting that had killed her father had been just the start of her tumultuous journey. Her brushes with death seemed impossible to come back from, yet she did. It was almost as if she had someone looking out for her…as if there was someone telling her to get up and fight, like she wasn't done yet.
Emily had been dead outside that cabin. Alison had felt her lifeless body being dragged away from her by the paramedics. Yet, she had clawed her way out of the grave. But something was different about this time. Not only had she physically died, but a piece of her had stayed dead. A piece of her that had been killing her for years. A piece of her pain had died with her. And she hadn't brought it back this time. Alison could see it in her eyes. She could feel it in her touch.
Alison knew Emily still had a long way to go. She knew that Emily would still face battles in her life. She knew that she was going to have good days and bad days. Pain and depression and PTSD didn't just disappear overnight. It was a constant uphill climb. It was something Emily was going to have to live with for the rest of her life. But the main takeaway was that she got to live. And Alison wanted to be by her side the entire time.
A/N: Who knew it was so hard to obtain a liver? You should all know that my bestie read this chapter and then wasted no time in telling me, "well, that really de-LIVER-ed." I threw a plastic fork at her.
Out of all of my stories, I think I probably put Emison through the wringer the most in this one. I don't know why you all keep reading, but I thank you for your support. Your interactions are one of the things that keeps me going. So thank you.
We've gotten over the worst of it, but if you know me you know that doesn't mean anything in my stories. I won't promise a happily ever after, but I can promise them a fighting chance. So keep holding on, because the ride still has a little further to go before pulling into the station.
Oh, and KLS128, you get an MVP award for not only reading once, but re-reading. Because I know how heavy this fic is.