"Are you really five years old today? " I jokingly asked Trish as I snuggled my face into her dark golden curls. Certain things about her reminded me of the reckless boy I had fallen in love with. Her deep thoughtful brown eyes. Her golden hair and the way it lightened in the summer time. Her smile. My God, she smiles just like him. I thought about the time when I was terrified about this moment and could not even remember why because nothing felt more natural than holding her. I lovingly rocked her in my arms looking into her beautiful eyes and admiring her stunningly beautiful features. Gosh, she looks just like him I thought with a melancholic smile crossing my face.

For better or worse, her birthday always reminds me about when I was sixteen years old and had just found out I was pregnant. I was terrified about telling Sodapop, I had seen plenty of guys walk out on girls after they knocked them up. I was afraid he would run away and leave me because I truly loved him. I wanted to be with him forever. God I loved him and even through that now I've been married to a great man for four years I realized I would always love Sodapop. My fears were laid to rest once I told him. He was wonderful although I could tell he was as scared as I was. He tried to play it off, but I knew him well and could see he was feeling a similar panic. However, he said he wanted to marry me and raise our baby. He wanted us to be a family. I was so happy I cried as he held me.

Soda had walked me home and we sat on the porch swing for what seemed like hours. I kept my head on his chest "I'll tell them with you" he said rubbing my hair. He was always so gentle with me. He will be a great dad I thought. "No" I said, "you still have to tell Darry and I reckon you never told him you were sneaking into my house every night" I reminded him. "He's going to be real hacked off and I don't want to be there when you tell him," I added. He kissed my head "Darry will be fine" he said and again I could sense it was a false bravado as he spoke. "I want to do it alone," I said, "It wouldn't be fair for you to face them and Darry". He hugged me and said, "I really don't mind Sandy". I sat up then kissed him. He always did take great care of me. "No" I said with finality "you go home, and I will do it tonight when Daddy gets back from work". A few minutes later he finally got up and began to walk home, looking back at me with a smile as he turned the corner. The truth was I wasn't sure what my parents would do when I told him and I thought it was better if I did it alone.

I couldn't eat any dinner. I sat quietly and played with my food feeling nauseous at the thought of the pending conversation. Being the youngest child in the family had it benefits. Since my brother was away to college and my sister was now married in her own house I didn't have to time this. I could just start talking whenever I worked up the courage. "Momma, Daddy" I began because now was as good as time as any. I was their baby and it didn't matter when I said this, they were not going to take this well. I paused for a second because I couldn't bring myself to say it. I was terrified about their reaction. "I'm pregnant" I blurted out, knowing full well that if I didn't speak up then I would have lost my nerve. Momma slapped me in her shock and I stayed frozen holding my face. Time seemed to stop. When my body finally registered the sting, tears began to roll down my face but I still couldn't move.

My face was still burning from the impact when I said, "I'm sorry" but Daddy wouldn't look at me. I had wanted to be strong but I could feel his disappointment and I began to sob. "Soda wants to marry me, we love each other," I said looking at Momma hoping she would stop crying. But she didn't, she just ran her hands through her blonde hair then covered her face as she continued sobbing, Daddy finally spoke, his blue eyes still failing to meet mine "you can't get married Sandy. You are sixteen years old for Christ sake!" he said exasperated.

We were all silent for a moment. "If you love him," Momma said with her china blue eyes locking into mine "you will give that baby up". "No" I yelled incredulously "Soda loves me and I love him. He wants to marry me Momma. We're going to be a family." Then it was Daddy's turn to speak. "Darling" he said softly "if you won't think about yourself, think about that boy. You will be crushing him with responsibility. He still has a chance right now. His little brother will be eighteen soon enough and he will have an opportunity to do all the things he didn't get to do" he said with sorrow overcoming his face. "That can't happen if he has a family to take care of," he said in a desolate manner.

Daddy was right. Sodapop was now responsible for his little brother. He couldn't finish high school because he had to care for Ponyboy after their parents died. Sodapop didn't mind, he loved his brother and I knew he would love this baby but he missed out on a lot. At sixteen, he was already helping raise a teenager; he didn't need anything more on his plate. I began to sob again as I realized that this wouldn't work. I have never felt pain so deep as I did that moment. "He already knows" I whispered between sobs. "Think of something" Momma said gently rubbing her hand on my back.

My parents decided to send me to my grandmas in Boca so that I could have the baby and give it up there. I would be able to come back once the baby was born then finish high school. I barely had time to pack because we left that night partly because they didn't want to give me the time to back out of the plan. I managed to bring a picture of Soda and me and cried over it at the airport. I prayed to God that I was doing the right thing. I loved Sodapop and wanted him to have more than a ball and chain.

I found a payphone and willed myself to call his number, "Sodapop, it's Sandy" I said. I was still crying but I needed to do this. "What's wrong" he asked obviously aware that I had been bawling. "My flight leaves in 15 minutes. I just wanted to tell you that it's not yours and I'm sorry," I said the line that I had practiced for hours now. There was silence for a minute. "What do you mean?" he asked. I could hear the betrayal in his voice and it broke me. "It's not yours," I said angry that I was lying. Angry that I couldn't be with him. Angry at the entire situation. He will hate me I thought. But he surprised me with his next words "I don't care Sandy I love you. I want to be with you" he said, his voice shaking. I felt my heart break in a million pieces. I wanted to be with him more than anything but my parents were right. I love you I thought as I said "but I don't want to be with you" and then hung up the phone. I sat on the floor by the payphone sobbing uncontrollably until my flight was called.

As the months passed and the baby grew inside me, I realized I could never give it up. I decided to never return home and have been living in Florida since. Grandma was great and watched Patricia while I went to school. While in college, I met a nice boy who loved us both. As much as I love Tommy, I can't help but think of that boy I left behind in Tulsa.