A/N: Oh, my, this crazy ride. This crazy emotional wild ride. Thank you for those who took it with me. As I've stated numerous times before, all these topics are extremely sensitive. This was a huge undertaking and it was a challenge to create the right balance of reality and sensitivity.
Writing about depression, anxiety, suicide, PTSD, and abuse toes a very fine line. These are topics that should absolutely be at the forefront of conversation, but should not be glorified for entertainment purposes. When I wrote this story I set out with the intention of creating something that would shed light on taboo subjects. I set out to show a raw journey of the struggle that many people face, but either A) Can't talk about or B) Don't have access to the proper resources to talk about.
I want to see real change in society in terms of mental health and abuse. I want to see the stigma associated with mental illness torn to pieces. I want people to see who a person is, and not an underlying disease. I also want anyone who has ever survived anything traumatic to know that there are people out there who care. Compassion and empathy are critical in implementing real change. In the words of Charlie Chaplin, "We all want to help one another. Human beings are like that. We want to live by each other's happiness, not by each other's misery."
Ironically, I know that misery is something I've brought to all of you. But I hope that the moments of happiness and joy were just as potent. Thank you all so much for taking this feels trip with me. I love you for riding with me to the end.
Chapter 22:
Tapestry of Scars
1 year later
The proposal didn't happen immediately. Emily was trying to put some thought into her plans. She'd never been good with big romantic gestures. She'd never been good at anything romantic. She'd never been in love before. Her idea of romance was satisfying her partners in bed…repeatedly. But after years with Alison she'd learned that loving someone and pleasing them wasn't the same thing.
She set out to show Alison how much she loved her. Unfortunately, her secretive behavior sparked some concerns in Alison. She was worried that Emily was hiding her pain again.
She watched her very carefully. She listened to everything she said, including what she told others at her speaking engagements.
One day after a talk at a high school a bunch of teenagers were coming up to the team and talking to them. Their stories had opened the door for actual dialogues. A young gay boy cried and told Charles how much it meant to him that he wasn't broken and that he wasn't alone in his feelings and how confident that it made him feel that love transcended everything.
A ninth grade girl who had struggled with an eating disorder thanked Hanna for making her feel less alone. She asked Hanna questions about how she managed her daily diet and how she kept negative thoughts about her self-image at bay.
Emily's story was a lot more daunting for the kids to swallow, yet it still inspired them to talk to her.
When the auditorium was nearly empty two girls approached Emily. One girl was tall with long dark hair. The other was a curly headed blonde who was nearly a foot shorter than her friend, but had a stance that made her appear like she was the only person in the room.
"Hey, I didn't bore you to sleep, did I?" Emily questioned.
"Not at all. It was the opposite actually," the shorter girl said. "I mean, don't get me wrong…we initially thought it was just going to be some corny afterschool special littered with tropes and inspirational sayings we've heard a million times. We weren't expecting…all that." She waved her hands in the air. "Everything you went through. It was just…mind-blowing. I've got to tell you, I barely pay attention in class, but I hung on to your every word."
Emily always felt humbled when she talked to kids and teens. Most of them were very straightforward and didn't have a filter, so when they complimented her she knew they meant it.
"We get a lot of these Ted talks, but this was by far the least watered down it's ever been. It's like…you actually get it, you know?" The darker haired girl said.
"I'm glad it helped."
"This was a hundred times more helpful than any class we've ever taken," The dark haired girl said with conviction. "I…um…" The girl looked at her friend and then back at Emily. "We have a question. Do you mind?"
"Ask away. It's what I'm here for."
"Does it really get better?"
Emily had been asked the question before, but she always took pause when she answered, because there was no definitive answer. She didn't like lying to people. She didn't like being another talking head that spouted inspirational phrases. She wanted people to be prepared for the reality of the situation. That meant the good and the bad.
"Yes and no." She hesitated. "There are no definites. Life isn't a simple color-by-the-number page of art where we all stay within the lines. It's messy. Everything that happens to us, good and bad…it becomes our own work of art. Our scars become part of that. They become a part of who we are."
She wished she could tell them that life got easier. She wished she could tell them they would never face hate or discrimination or be in pain. She wished she could give them a fairytale ending, but life wasn't a fairytale. Not every story had a perfect ending. Life wasn't something that could be tied up with a neat little bow. Life was gritty and messy.
"Life is an ongoing process. Things are constantly changing. Feelings are constantly changing." She looked over at Alison, who was bouncing Grace on her lap. Toby was playing with a toy car. Emily smiled. In that moment, Emily felt content. "It's not so much about whether or not it gets better. It's about how we get by day to day. Some days are easier than others. You get to a point where even though you know the bad exists, the good overshadows it. The bad will always be there, but it's something you learn to live with."
Life was ongoing. Endings were finite.
"It's not about happy endings. It's about taking the little things that are meaningful and fighting like hell to keep them. Every day."
The girls thanked Emily for her candor and then walked towards the exit, quietly talking about their personal struggles. Emily watched them, still in awe that she was actually helping people, though it wasn't like helping others was something new to her. She'd been doing it her whole life. She'd cared for her siblings at home. She'd watched after her squad overseas. She'd protected her friends in town. It's who she was.
Alison walked over to her with the kids in tow.
"That was amazing." Alison smiled as she leaned in to kiss her. "You are amazing."
"None of this would be happening if it wasn't for you." Emily reminded her.
"You can thank Jason for the funding. He wanted his share of our parents' trust to go to this."
"How is he doing?"
"Good. I talked to him yesterday. The GED classes he's teaching are going over well with the other inmates."
"We really need to get up there to visit him soon."
"I want to see Uncle Jason." Toby suddenly looked up from his toy car. "When can we go?"
"Soon," Emily said, reaching down to tousle his hair.
Toby and Grace loved their Uncle Jason. Grace played peek-a-boo with him every time they visited. Toby loved to talk to him about trucks and airplanes. And dinosaurs. His new obsession was dinosaurs.
"We should put in a call about a visit," Emily suggested.
Alison didn't know that Emily had been up to see her brother without her knowledge two weeks ago. She'd gone to ask for his permission to ask for Alison's hand in marriage. He'd just grinned and looked at her and said,
"It's about time."
Emily's phone buzzed from her pocket. She grabbed it and peeked at the screen. It was a reminder for her to run by the courthouse to finalize some documents.
"I have to run some errands." Emily slipped her phone back in her pocket.
The fact that she avoided eye contact made Alison suspicious. Emily was eerily good at hiding her pain. Even though she talked about it more openly now, there were certain aspects of her depression that she was able to hide.
"You want to grab a bite to eat so you can unwind?" Alison asked.
It was a routine of sorts that they'd started after Emily went public with her life. Alison knew that no matter how many times Emily told her story, she was always unnerved afterwards. She was often off for a few days. Just by looking at her, Alison could tell there was something going on her mind.
"I'm good. Raincheck?" Emily asked.
"You sure?"
"Mmhmm." Emily nodded.
Alison opened her mouth to reply, but Hanna came flying around the corner. She was walking so fast that she nearly ran directly into Emily.
"Hey, I'm glad I caught you before you left. I wanted to see how you're holding up with everything. I know it's been hard keeping…" Hanna stopped short when she realized that Alison was standing next to her. She clammed up. "Alison, hi. I…did not realize you were still here."
Emily cut a look at Hanna like she was going to kill her. Hanna looked back at her apologetically. Alison didn't miss the exchange. Hanna desperately tried to recover.
"I was just getting ready to tell Emily that um…keeping track of this schedule hasn't been easy and that…she's…" She faced Emily, "You're doing a great job. So…thank you…for that." She sounded like a teenager acting badly in a high school play. "Anyway…yeah. So…I'm going to let you have your family time. Mona is waiting for me. Outside. Where the car is. In the parking lot. Where we park."
The exchange was painfully awkward, and Hanna knew it. She smiled nervously and then gave Emily a look that Alison didn't understand. Hanna quickly retreated.
"What was that all about?" Alison asked. "She's acting weirder than usual. Is everything okay with her?"
"She's fine." Emily reached for her bag. She glanced at her watch. "We should both probably get going. Ellie is having her sleepover tonight. I've got everything packed for them already. Holden is going to be by around five to get them." She reached down and picked Toby up. "You ready to have fun with Ellie tonight?"
"Yeah." He smiled.
"You're going to take care of your little sister, right?"
"Yeah. Course. I'm her big brother."
"Love you, munchkin." Emily kissed his head.
"Love you more, Mama." He leaned in and rubbed his nose against Emily's. She put him back down.
"I'll call you later, okay?" Emily leaned in to kiss Alison on the cheek.
Alison frowned, a worried look on her face. She could feel the nervous energy that Emily was exuding. She just didn't realize that it was a good nervous energy.
Emily rushed towards the door. She was afraid if she stayed around Alison any longer she would blow the secret. She met up with Hanna outside, who apologized a dozen times.
"I'm so sorry. I didn't see her when I was coming around that corner. I almost blew it, didn't I?"
"Don't worry about it. Do you have it?"
"Yeah." Hanna dug around in her bag. She pulled out a small felt box and handed it to Emily.
"Thanks for keeping it under lock and key. There aren't many places to hide it at our house. Alison is a snoop. And our kids are into everything." Emily opened the box to look at the ring.
"I'm so excited for you." Hanna clapped her hands together.
Emily closed the box and smiled. She put the ring in her bag and then smiled back at Hanna.
"I'm excited, too."
They stood out underneath the awning talking quietly, unaware that Alison had crept out the side door and was trying to follow her wife. Toby and Grace were playing with Charles and Andrew. Alison told them she needed a minute alone to go to the bathroom and the boys had jumped on the opportunity to hang out with the kids.
She couldn't make out what Hanna and Emily were saying, but she picked up on a key part of the conversation.
"She has no idea?" Hanna asked.
"I've managed to keep it quiet."
"Well, you know if you need any more help, I'm here."
"I appreciate it. It's been really tough to keep it from her. But if she finds out…"
They walked out of earshot. Alison cursed under her breath. She didn't like that Emily was keeping secrets from her. Why would she go to Hanna and not her?
It ate away at her as the day went on.
Even when Emily called her an hour later and told her she wanted to take her out for dinner all Alison could think about was that she was sleuthing around in the shadows and keeping things from her. It was hard not to think the worst. She was worried it had something to do with her health. Maybe that's why she'd been talking to Hanna.
Emily took Alison to her favorite restaurant, but she seemed nervous the entire time they were eating dinner.
Alison asked her several times if she was okay. Emily told her she was fine. But she was obviously not fine.
Alison wasn't convinced. She badgered her all the way home. It just made Emily more nervous than she already was. She didn't want to screw it up.
When they got home Alison went to make herself a drink to settle her nerves. Emily took the opportunity to duck out of the living room and disappear into the guest bedroom, which had been turned into an art studio.
She grabbed a sketchpad, cursing herself for not having it in place already. Her plan was to have it in their bedroom before they walked in for bed tonight. It was one very important detail she'd forgotten.
Emily pulled the box with the ring out of the bag and took a breath.
This was it.
She closed the box and fumbled around with it, trying to figure out the best place to keep it discreetly hidden until they got upstairs. Her hands were sweating. She was shaking so much that she almost dropped the box. She was able to recover from the faux pas, but she knocked over some of her art supplies in the process.
"Damn it," she muttered. She put the sketchpad down and quickly went to gather her things.
As she was trying to clean up her mess Alison came into the room with her drink in her hand. She saw Emily on her hands and knees and put her drink down on an end table and walked over to help her.
"No. It's fine. It's okay. I've got it." Emily stuttered out nervously. She didn't want to accidentally ruin the surprise. "Go enjoy your drink. I'm good."
"Emily…" Alison kneeled down. She reached for her hand and helped her to her feet. "Look at me." Alison squeezed her hand when their eyes met. "You've been acting really weird all day. What are you hiding?"
Emily took a breath and tried not to let Alison feel how much she was shaking.
"Nothing."
Her answer upset Alison. She knew when Emily was lying to her.
"Stop bullshitting me and just tell me the truth. I know something is going on with you." Alison huffed in irritation. "You can't pull away like this. You're really freaking me out."
"I'm not…" Emily felt her mouth getting dry. She'd fought battles overseas, but nothing had ever scared her this much. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you…"
"I mean…are you sick?" Alison thought back to the conversation she'd overheard Emily have with Hanna earlier. "Or…is it…are you struggling with your depression? Because whatever it is…"
"Alison…" Emily interrupted her, trying to keep her from spinning out. "I'm okay." She reached up and pushed a strand of Alison's hair out of her face. "Just calm down. Let's just go relax upstairs."
"No. We're not leaving this room until you tell me what's going on."
She had a defiant expression in her eyes. And Emily knew there was no walking out of that art studio.
"Now, Emily."
Emily grumbled under her breath.
"Remind me never to plan anything for you again." Emily rolled her eyes.
Emily grabbed the sketchbook. Alison opened it and stared at the image that Emily had drawn. It was the two of them looking into each other's eyes. Emily always managed to capture a real love that was hard to replicate in art. Their eyes were so full of life.
The image was beautiful, but Alison wasn't making the connection. She didn't see how it was relevant to whatever Emily was hiding.
"What is this?" Alison asked in confusion.
"It…it works better when you can see the whole story." Emily turned the sketchbook and unfolded a small tab that had been custom made. It transformed the sketchbook into a flipbook.
Alison put her thumb up against the side of the pad and started flipping through the photos. It turned into an animated skit of the two of them getting closer, holding hands, smiling, growing closer, kissing, and then…
The last picture showed Emily down on one knee. Alison was so stunned that she didn't even realize that Emily had actually moved down on to one knee in front of her.
When Alison looked down she saw a tiny black box open with a custom diamond ring nestled inside of it.
"Oh my God." Alison felt tears springing to her eyes.
"I…I wasn't sure how to do this right. I'm still learning. I wanted to do something that shows you what you mean to me, but…I didn't know how to make it perfect for you. Because that's what you are to me. You're perfect. And I wanted to give you a big fancy proposal in Paris on top of the Eiffel Tower…you know, the kind of stuff you see in those romance movies…" Emily tried to rein it in. She was rambling. Her brain was firing off words faster than she could comprehend saying them. "Everything I came up with seemed to pale in comparison to what you deserved. Because you deserve skywriters and fireworks and marching bands. But everything I tried to come up with just didn't feel right…it didn't feel like us. And that's the most important part of who we are…that's the most important part of our love. We're unique. You told me once that it was all the little things you loved about me…"
Back after her second suicide attempt Alison had made sure Emily knew that their love wasn't messed up. It was something that Emily had not forgotten. She still remembered exactly what Alison had told her.
"I care about you…about what you do for me, about how you make me feel. I care that you hold me when we sleep and that you touch my face and look at me when you want to say something important. I care about the times you've gone to bat for me. I care about you stepping in when I was being harassed at that bar. I care about you not judging me for what happened with my parents, and…and for being there for me when I fell apart in a pool with sub-degree temperatures."
They'd gone through hell and back together and they were still standing. Emily had come to realize that Alison had been right that night in the hospital. Their love was different.
"What we have doesn't fit into a neat little box for people to label who we are. Fuck society and their ideals of love. We're not the giggly teenagers snuggling in the movie theater. We're not the married couple ordering each other's dinner at our favorite restaurant. We're not those two lovers that have to give one another a play-by-play of our feelings. It's more than that. It runs deeper than that. I know what I feel for you, and I know you feel the same."
It had always been about feelings and actions more than "the status quo", which is why Emily had chosen an unconventional way to propose. It hadn't gone exactly according to plan, but it was perfectly imperfect for them.
"Love hasn't always come easy for me. My feelings haven't always come easy for me. And I started to realize that I leave a lot of my emotions in my art. So instead of a big parade, I wanted to show you how love feels…for us. I wanted to show you how beautiful you are to me…and how beautiful our love is. These drawings represent something I never thought I'd have. They represent the impossible. You are the reason we're here together. You are the reason I believe in love. You are my very reason for being. I love you more than life itself. You are my life, Alison. Will you marry me?"
Alison couldn't speak. She was too stunned. She felt like she was having an out of body experience. She'd been worried about something bad happening all day. She wasn't prepared for the pure joy of something this good.
Instead of speaking, Alison just nodded wordlessly as tears ran down her cheeks. She would have shouted it from the rooftops if she was able to form words, but all that came out of her mouth was loud sobs of happiness.
Emily slipped the ring on her finger. Both of their hands were shaking. Alison yanked Emily off of the floor and grabbed her cheeks to pull her in for a kiss.
When Emily felt Alison's velvety lips against hers, she felt like everything in the world was whole. Every inkling of pain she had dropped away.
Alison's chest stopped heaving and she was finally able to catch her breath. When she pulled away she gave Emily a teary-eyed smile.
"I love you so much," the blonde said quietly.
"I love you, too." Emily rested her forehead against Alison's.
"This is what you've been up to?" Alison asked.
"Are you surprised?"
"I…" Alison huffed out a laugh. "I had no idea. You were acting so shady. It scared the hell out of me."
"I want every surprise from here on out to be something that makes you feel good." Emily laid her hand against Alison's cheek.
"How long have you been planning this?"
"You remember that day in the park right before I went to my first speaking engagement?"
"That was like a year ago." Alison's face lit up. "You've been thinking about this that long?"
"Longer." Emily admitted. "Truth be told, I should have done this a long time ago. It just makes sense. We've been a family for so long. This will just make it official. I just had to get some paperwork done. I wanted to make sure everything was ready for us. After everything we've been through…" She drifted off, "I just wanted to make sure you and the kids are taken care of. My retirement…it's…it's not much." She wiped a tear away from Alison's cheek.
"You are more than enough." Alison said, pecking her lips.
Emily was smiling when she pulled away.
"You already own my heart. I want to make sure you get everything else, too," Emily explained.
"Your heart is the only thing that matters."
"So…are you done being mad at me for sneaking around? Can we leave the room now?"
"Why? What did you have in mind?" Alison lifted her brows.
"You kind of forced my hand to do the proposal in here. There was more to it."
"There was?"
"Come on." Emily gently pulled away. "No peeking." She put her hands over Alison's eyes and led her out of the room.
She helped Alison maneuver around the living room and then told her to close her eyes as she picked her up and carried her up the stairs. She gently sat her down and covered her eyes again. She kept one hand over Alison's eyes as she walked into their room. She pulled her hand away from Alison's face.
"You can look now."
When Alison opened her eyes she saw that their bedroom had been transformed into a romantic wonderland that looked like it was straight out of the movies. While they had been out at dinner, their friends had been busy decorating their bedroom with twinkling lights, heart emblems, and rose petals. The ambiance was stunning.
Alison took a step forward and gawked at the setup.
"Oh, Em…" 'It's beautiful' felt so cliché to say.
She didn't have to say anything. Emily shushed her and took her hands. She led her to the bed. She gently cupped her face and kissed her as she lowered her down against the mattress.
8 years later
Emily stared at a framed portrait of the first picture she and Alison had taken as wives. It was right after their vows. She had dipped Alison and caught her by surprise with a passionate kiss. The photographer had captured the look of elation on both of their faces. It was one of Emily's favorite pictures. It was candid and real. She ran her fingers across the top of the frame and put the picture down.
Their wedding had been small. Toby had been the ring bearer. Grace had been the flower girl. Aria, Spencer, Cece, and Shana had been Alison's bridesmaids, while Hanna, Mona, Caleb, Charles, and Andrew stood by Emily's side.
Jason had been able to see the wedding via video chat. All the important people in their lives had been there.
After the wedding they'd gone on about their lives like nothing had changed. Marriage didn't feel any different to either of them. Their family was still their family. Their family was all that mattered.
She heard the front door open and then close. Toby walked into the living room, his backpack slung over one shoulder.
"Hey, how was school?" Emily asked.
"Wild. Everyone was acting crazy because of spring break." He grumped something under his breath. He had become a sullen little emo teen when he started middle school. "They celebrate a little differently in middle school. One kid acted like it was Mardi Gras and went around lifting his shirt for beads. It was the weirdest thing I've ever seen."
"I wish I could tell you things get less weird as you get older, kid, but trust me…they only get weirder." Emily brushed a tuft of Lupo's hair off of the end table next to the couch. "At least you're getting a break from it next week."
"Oh, yeah, I almost forgot…I need my permission slip for the ski trip."
"It's on the kitchen counter. I signed it this morning."
"Cool." He tried his best not so show any emotion, because emotions weren't "cool".
"Are you excited?"
"I mean…kind of." He shrugged.
"Are those older boys still giving you a hard time?"
"No, not after I stood up to them."
Emily had taught her children to fight for themselves. She had taught them how to survive, especially against bullies. Alison hadn't been pleased to get the phone call from Toby's school the day he'd given another student a bloody nose, but Emily had been proud of her boy.
"Just don't shove anyone off of a mountain while on this trip, okay?" Emily asked.
Toby chuckled under his breath.
"You're going to tell me to behave when you and mom are going partying on the high sea?"
"Well, if your mother and I come home with beads, you'll know what we did to get them." Emily teased.
"Aaand I'm scarred for life." He stuck his tongue out in disgust. "Being the only dude in this place is harsh sometimes."
"You've got Lupo." Emily pointed to the dog snoozing on the couch.
She sat down next to him. He lifted his head. His entire muzzle was gray. He was starting to lose weight. He walked with a limp, but he still had a little bit of pep in his old man step. He still got after the squirrels. He laid his head in Emily's lap. She pet him and his tail started to wag.
Toby tossed his bookbag down and sat down next to his mom and his dog.
"Yeah, I guess you aren't so bad, old timer." He scratched Lupo's chin. He reached for the TV remote. "Can we watch Sharks of the Deep?"
"We can watch whatever you want." Emily smiled.
He turned the TV on and flipped it to his favorite show. He got so into the TV show that he barely noticed his mother staring at him. She liked seeing him happy.
She leaned back against the couch and looked over at the family portrait on the table next to her wedding photo. She stared at the moment in time that had captured her beautiful family.
She didn't hear her son talking to her. She felt him poke her arm, like he used to do when he was little.
"Mom?" He asked. She turned to face him. "You okay?"
"Yeah." Emily nodded. "Just had a long day."
She stayed on the couch with him for another half an hour, until Aria dropped Grace off from her playdate with Ellie. All Grace could talk about was how excited she was to go to camp with her friends during spring break.
Emily watched her daughter, appreciating her enthusiasm and excitement. The little girl had a knack for brightening up the room. She was a lot like Alison that way.
Alison got home shortly after Grace. They all ate dinner together. Emily quietly enjoyed her family's company the rest of the day. And she really enjoyed her wife's company that night.
Emily held Alison in her arms as they both came down from their throes of passion. They'd learned to be quiet so they wouldn't wake the kids, though sometimes Alison got a little carried away. She'd accidentally bitten down on Emily's palm in the midst of their love-making to keep from screaming.
Now that it was over and she'd come to her senses she was gently kissing the red mark she'd left on Emily's hand.
"Never had a hickey on my hand before." Emily poked her in the ribs. Alison giggled.
"I got a little caught up in the moment." Alison pulled Emily's arm around her, trying to get closer to her. Emily kissed the top of her messy bedhead. Alison smiled. "Can't wait to get caught up again and again next week." She glanced at Emily. "You double checked the reservations, right? We're still good?"
"We're good," Emily said.
"I think it will be good for us. We haven't had a break in a while. I can't wait to lounge on the beach…watch the sunset with you." She kissed Emily's bare arm near one of her scars. "Or maybe we'll never even leave the hotel. I'd be fine with that, too."
She kissed her way up to Emily's neck. She laid her head against the soft muscle underneath Emily's collar bone. She walked her fingers down Emily's arm and gripped her hand. She stayed cuddled up to her for a while, feeling her heart thrumming against her chest.
"You're really quiet tonight." Alison lifted her head to look at the brunette.
Emily met her gaze with a soft smile.
"I'm just enjoying the moment." Emily ran her fingers through Alison's hair. "You're just so beautiful."
Alison smiled back. It had taken her years to get to this place with Emily, and it felt good every time they shared intimate moments where they were both unapologetically soft and open with one another. She kissed Emily and then settled back against her warm skin. She felt Emily drawing nonsensical patterns on her arm. It lulled her to sleep.
After Alison fell asleep Emily picked up her phone. She scrolled through her call list and stared at the last number that had called.
Below that number was the number to the hotel that they would be staying at during their vacation.
She knew that the beach trip was going to be an important trip. Emily wanted everything to go perfectly on their vacation. She wanted Alison to have the time of her life, so when their kids left for their spring break Emily happily packed the car with a big smile on her face.
Their trip down to the beach was filled with a lot of talking, a lot of reminiscing about some of their favorite things.
When they got there they just enjoyed each other's company. Emily had planned a boat tour to go scuba diving off of the coast. They ended up in a pod of wild dolphins. They swam with a shark. They saw some beautiful sea anomalies.
They went parasailing and had romantic walks along the coast. They went out to dinner. They strolled the town. They went sightseeing. They walked boardwalks and shopped for souvenirs.
On their last day they spent the entire day in their hotel room, making love several times, stopping only to order room service in between.
The last time was fervent and raw and full of a hungry desire and a need that could only be quenched by the intimate touches and the whispered words of love that highlighted both of their vulnerabilities.
It was so intense that it left them both in a quiet passionate stupor afterwards. Alison bathed in Emily's warmth. The brunette was ridiculously hot.
They laid in bed until they saw the colors of the outdoors beginning to change.
Emily didn't say anything. She just climbed out of bed and grabbed some clothes for them to change into. Alison intuitively knew that Emily was taking her to see the sunset on the beach.
They walked outside, hand in hand, just as the sun was starting to descend below the horizon.
The broken purple clouds in the sky reflected down on the water as the waves crashed along the shore. The sky in the distance was painted in orange and pink hues.
The sand was soft and cool against their feet as they walked out to where the tide was coming in. The water washed over their ankles as they watched the sun fading in the distance.
"This has been perfect." Alison leaned against her, wrapping her arms around Emily's bicep.
Emily smiled and stared at the sunset. It was strange for her to know that once upon a time she hadn't cared about whether or not she saw any more sunsets. Her past felt so disconnected from who she was now. She couldn't imagine not appreciating the beauty of nature…and the love of her wife.
Emily felt a flood of emotions clawing their way to the surface. Everything she'd been containing was seeping out. She tried to keep a strong appearance for Alison, but the blonde could tell something was off. She felt it.
Emily's stance spoke volumes to Alison. The brunette was stiff and bothered. She was lost in thought. There was something weighing heavily on her mind.
"Emily, what's wrong?"
Emily took a shaky breath and lowered her head. She slowly faced Alison.
"I got a call last week. About my bloodwork." Emily swallowed a knot in her throat. She felt Alison tighten her grip on her arm. "My values weren't right. My liver, it's…" She bit her lip. "My medication regimen isn't working anymore."
"But…they're going to adjust it, right? This…it happens sometimes."
"Not this late in the game." Emily sighed. "And not this drastically."
"But all your check-ups have been fine." Alison's voice quivered.
"These things…sometimes it just comes on suddenly," Emily said, reaching up to stroke Alison's face.
Alison shook her head, a wave of denial trying to protect her from reality. She didn't want to hear what Emily was going to say next.
"My body is rejecting the liver."
"But it's been fine." Alison repeated, trying not to cry. "You've been fine."
"I know." Her voice came out comforting and soothing despite the fact that she'd basically been given a death sentence. "But my transplant…you know it had complications." The transplant had been a Hail Mary pass, but it wasn't without its problems. "The doctors warned us this might happen. It's not uncommon for a donor liver to develop chronic problems with rejection."
"Maybe they made a mistake. It's been years. This shouldn't be happening now, not after all this time."
"That's the thing…" Emily said thoughtfully. "We had all this time. Despite all odds, we had this time. And I wouldn't trade one second of it."
Alison felt her pulse pounding in her ears. Seeing Emily upset did more damage to her heart than anything else in the world.
"I never should have made it this far, but I did. And I'm so glad I did. Because I have you." Emily's voice cracked.
Alison blinked slowly. It didn't feel real.
"I am so lucky. I'm the luckiest damn woman in the world. You gave me a life worth living, and that's all anyone can ever ask for. I spent my whole life searching for a purpose. And you want to know what I've come to realize?" She blinked back tears. "You are my purpose." She took a shaky breath. "We've had a life together, Alison. We built a better world for everyone around us. We've helped people. We have a family. We have had years. Years that we wouldn't have had if it wasn't for you…"
"I don't understand." Alison whimpered. "I don't understand why this is happening to us…"
"I know," Emily said softly. "I know." She clenched her jaw. "I was angry when I got that call. I was so angry." She took a breath. "But I'm also grateful, because I got more time than most. And I want to be selfish. I want to ask for more time. I want another fifty…another hundred years. No amount of time is enough for me. But it's out of our control this time. And I'm too tired to be mad. I don't want to spend the rest of my life angry at the world. I just want to be with you."
"Don't." Alison begged. "Please don't talk like it's over. It's…this can't be it…"
"They can slow the progression of the liver failure for a little while…"
"So, we have time. We can contact UNOS. Maybe…maybe another transplant is an option."
"It's not. I already spoke with the doctor at length. With the sudden onset of the rejection and all the complications I had previously there's nothing more they can do. But I'm still here. I'm here right now."
"It's not enough. We haven't had enough time." Alison was shaking.
Emily pulled her in for a hug and kissed the top of her head.
"We've had a lifetime."
Alison felt an internal battle raging inside of herself. Emotions she couldn't handle were tearing her apart. She didn't know what else to do, so she laid her head against Emily's chest and started to cry. The rhythmic beating of Emily's heart was a stark reminder that they had the moment. But how many more moments were they going to have?
They stood in their embrace, Alison clutching Emily tightly as the sun disappeared behind the vast dark waters of the ocean.
2 years later
Emily died on a Monday. Alison had been by her side when she took her last breath. Emily's last words had been three words that she had once struggled to say, but came naturally at her end,
"I love you."
Her last moments were quiet and peaceful. She could feel Alison's hand on top of hers. She heard Alison talking to her. It soothed her. She wasn't alone. And more importantly, she was surrounded by love.
The home hospice nurse pronounced it at 11:11 pm.
The natural light from the moon beaming through the bedroom window made it look as if she was glowing. Alison felt like her presence was all around, like she was still in the room with them. She imagined the brunette by her side, reaching for her hand.
The silence was deafening.
Alison leaned over her bed and placed her hand against Emily's cheek. It was still warm. She was always warm. That's something that Alison would always remember about her.
She bent down and pressed a kiss against Emily's lips. Not having the kiss reciprocated was a pain that reverberated down into Alison's bones. She pressed her forehead against Emily's. A teardrop fell from her face against Emily's cheek.
Alison pulled back and stared down at her wife. Her face was pale. Everything that made Emily Emily was gone.
It didn't hit for a few minutes. Alison knew, but her brain wasn't registering it. It's like her heart had formed a wall around it to try and protect her from the reality. She always knew this day would come. She hoped that they'd be much older. All she could think about was what Emily had said the day at the beach.
"We've had a lifetime."
They had. They really had.
Even after Emily's liver started to fail they had gotten another two years together. She had held on longer than either one of them had anticipated. They'd had family days, romantic getaways, and had helped a hell of a lot of people in those two years.
They'd somehow found a balance between the thrill of living and the fear of death. They'd made a lot of memories. She made videos for her babies. She made tons of videos for them…and for Alison. They would serve as a way to keep her memory alive for years to come.
They'd lived more in those 24 months than most people lived their entire lives.
Even her last few days had been full of life. She had never lost her spunk.
Hours prior to her passing she had been sitting up in her bed laughing as she watched one of Toby's and Grace's favorite movies.
Afterwards they'd had a conversation about their favorite things about the world. Grace told her that she wanted to do something to help people, just like her moms. Toby smiled at his little sister and told her she could do anything she set her mind to.
Emily and Alison had seen a blossoming maturity in their son. He was wise beyond his years. And he still protected his little sister. Emily knew that her death would be hard for them, but she also knew that her family had strength. She knew that they would go on living in honor of her. And as angry as she was that she wasn't going to be there for them, she couldn't help but be thankful for the time she'd had with them.
Soon after the movie ended Grace mentioned something about wanting snacks. Alison suggested Toby take her to get something from the kitchen, but Toby looked at Emily…and something about his expression told Emily that he wanted a few minutes alone with her.
Her instincts were never wrong when it came to the kids, so she sent Grace and Alison to get the snacks. After they left the room she'd motioned for her son to come sit on the edge of the bed.
"What's up, kid?"
"I wanted to ask you something."
"Anything."
"What if I can't do this?"
"Do what?"
"What if I'm not strong enough to take care of Grace and Mom?"
Her son's insecurities were harder for her to think about than her own mortality.
"Oh, baby, come here." She'd pulled him in for a hug. "Your mother and I don't expect you to take on anything. We just want you to keep doing what you're doing. We want you to live."
"I'm just afraid…" He'd looked at her, and in that moment Emily saw the baby she'd found in the house with his mother's body. "What if I snap…like…like her? Like my birth mother?"
They hadn't hidden the truth about his birth mother from him when he started asking about her. He had random memories that they weren't going to lie about. They'd approached the topic carefully, so he only knew bits and pieces. But he knew enough.
"I know it's a scary thought, but we're not our parents. We might take on certain aspects. We may change because of who they are, but we're not our parents." She'd cupped his face. He was starting to get a little stubble on his cheek. He'd grown up so fast. "Listen, if you ever need help…you have everyone in the world at your disposal. Your mother. Your Uncle Jason. Your Aunt Aria. Your Aunt Hanna. Your Aunt Mona. Your Uncle Caleb. Charles and Andrew. Cece. Shana. I mean, you've got a world class doctor and an FBI agent on your call list. You've got the world at your fingertips, Tobes. And don't forget your high powered lawyer. Your Aunt Spencer would do anything for you…on her good days."
That had gotten a solid laugh out of him. Because Spencer was…a character. She had always been awkward around the children. But everyone could tell she loved them.
"And you know that Ellie and Samara adore you, so if you're not comfortable talking to one of your old boring adults in your life, you can lean on them. You have so many people in your life who love you and your sister very much. And they're going to be around to help. Let them help you. That's what family is there for. You don't have to do anything. You just focus on you…"
"What if I suck? What if I'm a shitty big brother and an even worse son?"
"That's not possible." Emily raked her fingers through his hair. "I know you. I know how much you care. I also know how hard you are on yourself. I know how much you struggle to keep a grip on reality. I remember your nightmares, too…"
"I still have them sometimes. They scare me. Because I'm afraid that something will happen and I'll end up just like her."
"If you ever feel that way…if you feel like there is no way out, I want you to promise me that you'll talk to your mom. She understands far more than you know. You know I was one of those statistics once. And because of your mother, I made it through. I know that it's not the same for everyone. There are people out there like your birth mother who didn't have the proper support system. That was a catalyst for change in the system. We were already working on trying to reach more people. After what happened to your birth mother we were determined to do better. We've built something that's going to last a lifetime. It's going to help people. And that means you, too. When you feel lost promise me you won't let it bottle up. Promise me if you need help, you'll ask for it."
"It's just really hard."
"I know. But I'm telling you…if there is hope for me…if I can make it…anyone can. You're one of the brightest kids I've ever met."
"You're just saying that because you're my mom."
"Actually, I'm saying it because I'm delusional because of the meds." She'd teased him. "But that doesn't make it any less true. You are going to go on and do amazing things. You're going to change the world."
"Gonna have to master changing my underwear first." He made a face.
"One step at a time." She'd smiled. She felt a wave of exhaustion and ended up slipping back down into her bed. Toby helped her get settled. He pulled the blanket over on top of her body.
"You think mom will be okay?"
"Your mother is the strongest woman I've ever met." She'd smiled. "She'll find a way. She always does." She took a breath through her nose. "She's going to grieve. She's going to hurt. But she'll keep going. Just remember that when she gets on your nerves or bosses you around. Remember what she does for you. You and Grace be good and listen to her."
"I can't promise I won't roll my eyes at her and call her annoying."
"That's my boy." She'd laughed.
Toby smiled and took her hand.
"Did she really save your life the night you met?"
"And every night since then." That woman had been her very reason for living. "She is the most determined, obstinate…loving person I've ever met."
"How did you know you loved her?"
Emily laughed under her breath. She certainly couldn't tell her son about the time she'd banged his mother in a hospital office. Alison's vulnerability that day had opened something up between the two of them. The connection they'd had when they'd locked eyes was one of the most intense feelings Emily had ever felt.
"Being with her was one of the most natural feelings in the world. She was the only thing in my life at that time that made me feel alive."
"And then Grace and I came along and you were stuck with us."
"Not at all. We chose you. You and your sister were wanted. You made our lives even better." She pinched his cheek. He turned away bashfully.
His smile slowly faded.
"Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why us? Why did you want us?"
Emily took a deep breath as she considered how she wanted to answer.
"Some things in life are just meant to be." Her brow furrowed in thought. "I didn't used to believe that, but now I know it's true. We spend so much time trying to figure out where we belong that sometimes we miss the fact that we're right where we're supposed to be. I was closed off for so long." She'd gently touched his hand. "I don't want that for you and your sister. I don't want you to be afraid of love. Let love come to you. Because it will. And when it happens, don't be afraid of letting it in."
There was a beat of silence. Toby squeezed her hand.
"Mom?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you."
"I love you, too, Toby."
A few seconds later they heard a light rapping on the door. Alison poked her head in.
"There are pizza rolls in the kitchen. You better hurry up before Grace devours them all."
Toby kissed Emily on the forehead and then made a mad dash for the hallway while screaming at his little sister,
"GRACE, DON'T YOU DARE EAT THEM ALL, YOU LITTLE HOG!"
Alison and Emily laughed as they heard his thunderous footsteps disappearing down the hallway. Alison walked over and sat down next to her.
"They're good kids." Emily closed her eyes with a sigh.
Alison ran her fingers through Emily's hair. Emily smiled at her.
"You look beautiful, Ali." She'd mumbled. "Like an angel. Mmm...my angel."
"You sound tired, Em."
"I think I'm just going to rest my eyes."
"I'll be here."
"Mmhmm, you always are." Emily smiled sweetly at her. "I love you."
Alison had leaned forward and kissed her, quietly whispering, "I love you, too" back to her.
That had been the beginning of the end.
Three hours later the nurse was walking out of the room to give Alison her privacy.
It only started to sink in when the nurse left them alone. The machines were silent. Emily's body was motionless. The pain crept up Alison's spine. She could feel it engulfing her, and she was helpless to stop it.
When it finally hit her the grief felt like a riptide pulling her roughly under the surface. She couldn't breathe. She was paralyzed. Her lungs were filled with saltwater. She couldn't see throughout all the darkness.
As the emotions overwhelmed her senses she waited on the inevitable pain to consume her. She thought she'd collapse on top of Emily's body and sob uncontrollably. Instead, she softly rubbed her cheek against Emily's and cried, quiet little whimpers sending bursts of heated breaths against Emily's lifeless face.
She thought she'd cry for hours. But her breakdown only lasted for ten minutes. When she settled down she kissed Emily's forehead, letting her lips linger.
There was a strange comfort in knowing that Emily's battle was over. She wasn't suffering anymore. All the pain she'd felt in life had evaporated. She could finally rest.
"Everything is going to be okay," Alison whispered. It was the same thing she'd promised in the hospital the night they'd met all those years ago. She'd meant it then. And she meant it now. "I'll take care of our babies. We'll be okay."
She sat with her and held her hand as she waited on the nurse to contact someone for the arrangements.
She stared out the window. There wasn't a cloud in sight in the dark evening sky. The stars were brighter than Alison had ever seen. She kept her eye on one star in the distance that seemed to be getting more intense.
All she could think about was the night Emily overdosed…and how she'd been looking at the stars. She'd been looking beyond their universe. She'd been ready to die…yet she'd still called the hotline because she didn't want to die alone.
That night had changed their lives and put them through the ultimate test of love. Staring at the stars, Alison realized they truly had come full circle.
In the end, Emily hadn't died alone. She had died in her warm bed surrounded by the people who loved her. She had died loved and in love.
Love had surpassed all the pain. It always did.
o ~ O ~ o
Emily was surrounded by people who loved her one last time at her funeral.
Her death brought the entire community together. Friends, family, and strangers…strangers that she had helped.
She had made a difference. She had built a life for herself, but she'd also built a life for her community.
She'd had a military funeral. Service members from the Armed Forces, including Caleb, had been pallbearers.
After the service her coffin, draped in the American flag, was being toted towards the door when Alison stepped in the path.
The entire crowd went silent.
Alison stood motionless near the door. She knew she was supposed to move, but she couldn't.
She slowly walked towards the coffin. All eyes were on her, but she didn't care. She reached up and put her hand against the flag. Tears were streaming down her face as she lowered her head until her cheek was resting next to her hand. She closed her wet eyes and took a breath. She let her grief flow through her. She lowered her voice to a quiet whisper, wanting to keep what she said a secret just between them.
"Thank you for our lifetime." She looked over at their kids. Toby was pulling Grace in for a tight hug. "We love you."
She kissed the coffin before she pulled back. She moved aside and let them carry Emily away, slowly following them.
She clutched the funeral program in her hand. On the front in perfectly written calligraphy was a snapshot of her life:
Emily Catherine Fields
Daughter of Wayne Michael Fields and Pamela Katherine Fields. Sister to Ethan Tobias Fields and Ellie Grace Fields. Dedicated wife to Alison Lauren DiLaurentis. Loving mother to children Grace and Toby. Caring friend to all who knew her. Hero to all.
Emily had touched more lives than she had ever realized. Her spirit would live on for generations to come. Her work would save countless lives in the future. Alison would see to that. She had to keep going. She wanted to keep going. For Emily. For their children. For everyone that Emily had helped.
Emily had taken something terrible in her life…something she struggled with…and she turned it into an outpouring of support for other people. She had taken a ripped and tattered canvas and made a magnificent work of art.
Alison thought back to the night that Emily had proposed with her drawings. Alison still had those drawings. She had everything that Emily had ever created, because it was a part of them. It was a part of their story.
"It works better when you can see the whole story." She'd told Alison.
Stories often had messy bits. Life was about taking those bits and pieces and turning them into a beautiful, sometimes painful, work of art.
They hadn't had a picture perfect end, but Emily had taught her that it wasn't necessarily about the end. It was about the journey. It was about the art of life. It was about their tapestry. Their story.
And their story was a legacy.
A/N: I imagine you're all probably feeling lots of feels about the end. I had a lot of feels writing and editing it. I struggled with how I wanted to end this story. Every time I looked at it, I found something imperfect or something I didn't like. That's why it took so long to get it out. It finally dawned on me that the reason I was so critical about every aspect is that in knowing sometimes...there are no perfect endings. It's like a quote in the previous chapter: "Happiness doesn't mean we're not sad. It just means that we've found something worth surviving for."
As always, I want everyone to love one another and take care of themselves. If you need help, there are available options. Please seek out resources if you are in any kind of pain or distress.
Thank you all for taking this journey with me. There is another potential journey in the works (and a much overdue update to "The Heart of Beacon Heights"). More to come on the new journey soon.
Take care of yourselves. I love you!