Paradise not found
Episode tag to 'Paradise lost'
This is the story that started this series. I have been waiting to share this one for 18 updates now and it's still one of my favorites. Looking forward to hear what you think. Thanks for all the comments so far.
The moment they descend through the atmosphere, his transmitter signal starts sending. Sinking through the clouds, the sky clears to reveal a lush, green planet. Teal'c navigates the Tel'tak towards the pulsing little dot that is supposed to be Colonel O'Neill. Unconsciously Sam taps her finger on the control panel, drumming an anxious rhythm, which Teal'c regards with raising his left eyebrow. Nervousness spreads from her like a heavy perfume. The way she bites her lip, the slight redness on her neck, not to mention the finger tapping that becomes faster as they get closer to the surface gives away everything she's feeling—but for now, Teal'c understands it better than she does. It only takes a few more seconds before the Tel'tak is low enough to spot him. Colonel O'Neill is kneeling next to Maybourne in the yellow grass, looking up at them with a satisfied smirk. Sam already saw him from further away, focussing her eyes on him, trying to make out if he's moving—if he's alive. She watches him get up and wave awkwardly as the Tel'Tak lands, and for a brief, peaceful moment, she is relieved. It's a feeling not there to last because it's followed directly by another kind of nervousness. Not the 'do we find him' question, but the 'how am I supposed to go back to normal' thought. Her fingers have stopped drumming; now, they hang trembling in the air. Sam curls them into a fist and tries to calm her nerves with a deep breath and a fake smile—unsuccessfully.
"He seems fine," Jonas says.
Her brain huffs about his comment. Fine. How fine can one be when you just got tortured to death and then were lost in an alien wilderness for weeks? Maybe Colonel O'Neill is. He has a talent for not getting bothered. She, on the other hand, is not fine. Air is trapped in her chest, weighing her down instead of lifting her up. She had thought she lost him. Again.
At one point, they must run out of luck. How many lives does a Jack O'Neill have? Next time something like this happens might be the last time. It hits her like an impact on the closed iris—dull, heavy, deadly. Before she was stuck in fear of not finding him, in the obsession of bringing him back, now Sam fears the one time she can't bring him back and that when this happens, he still doesn't know how she feels for him.
Sam hears Teal'c get up, but can't get herself to move. She stares out of the window and hopes that the reflection doesn't give away how her face is falling apart. Colonel O'Neill is looking at her with that grin. A reconfirmed look—he knew they would find him. But as he notices she's not moving, just standing there, staring right at him, his grin makes way to a worried expression.
"MajorCarter," Teal'c says with the same soft voice from the locker room. "Are you joining us in greeting ColonelO'Neill."
Only now, she notices that she has held her breath for god knows how long. She lets it out in small shaky breaths, trying to compose her voice for this one sentence, knowing that after that, she's going to fall apart.
"Go ahead, I'm… checking this circuit here… there's something…" Sam utters. Teal'c just flew the Tel'Tak and knows everything is fine—with the ship at least. But he has an idea of what is going on inside of her. After all, he had watched her break down in despair. So he bows his head and lets her be. Allows her to have a few seconds to gather her emotional spill and form it back into that strong soldier whose greatest weakness is Colonel Jack O'Neill.
As soon as Sam hears the doors of the Tel'Tak close behind Teal'c, there's no stopping of her tears. Uncontrollably they sneak out of her eyes, each and every one of them betraying the facade she's trying to keep up. It's her breaking point. The only thoughts she can form is how badly her body and her heart wants to step outside and wrap him in her arms, pull him closely, smell that mustardy scent of days without a shower, feel the scruff of his beard, his lips on her neck. It's such a deep-rooted urge she can almost feel him. But her head says no. So she stands there, torn and tormented. Not knowing how long she can keep on lying to herself. But she tries anyway. Tries to call forth the feeling of relief that they found him, the satisfaction of having solved yet another problem. Tries to smile it away, but every smile is washed away with yet another tear.
She watches Jonas and Teal'c approach O'Neill. O'Neill says something, Teal'c bows his head, and Jonas says something else. Again the Colonel's mouth is moving. Then he's looking back to her, and Jonas turns his head too, oblivious to what is going on. Jonas laughs, and a surprised look appears on the Colonel's face before he smiles and looks back at her.
He told him. Oh, how badly does she wish Daniel back. He didn't have a sense of timing either, but at least would know not to tell the Colonel that Sam lost her composure and yelled at Dr. Lee for giving up. The rising anger at Jonas stops her tears but leaves her yet with another revelation: she can't act professionally when it comes to him.
Sam touches the back of her hands to her eyes, wiping away the wetness of her tears, and when she looks up the next time Teal'c and Jonas help up Maybourne—he is gone. Before Sam can gather her thoughts and get that soldier face back on, the doors slide open and she senses his presence. For a moment, they stand there. He doesn't say anything, and she doesn't dare to turn around. Sure that her emotions will overwhelm her as soon as she looks in his face. But hearing his voice does the same thing.
"Hey," he says. A simple greeting, though it's the top-secret codeword to open the door to another room filled with feelings—one even Sam didn't know existed. She closes her eyes, trying to stop the next round of tears that are threatening to swamp her, but she's unable to prevent the tremor that shakes her body.
"I hope you didn't break my taxi home," he says with a smile in his voice, but her ears are attuned to hearing what he's actually saying, and that is: are you okay? And no, she's not. Somehow she manages to get a grip on her tears and says, "You need to stop this."
When she turns around, he's much closer than she thought he would be. Only an arm's length away. Looking at her with his amber eyes and a slight concern when he sees the raw emotion in her face.
"What?" Gently, careful just like he's approaching a stray animal. He has no idea where her head is.
"Getting lost, disappearing." She almost chokes on the words. It's inappropriate, it's way too personal, way too revealing but she can't hold them back. If she will never be able to show how she feels, he needs to stop making it so damn hard. He needs to be there reliably, preferably at an arm's length. It's moments like this that show: she still has feelings for him and is far from having them under control, as she demonstrates right that moment when those treacherous tears sneak out again.
"Carter," he says softly, and after hesitating for a moment, he steps closer. Minutes earlier, she had hoped for this exact moment. To be pulled in his arms and him being the only thing she can feel. A fantasy so good—a reality so wrong. She ducks away before her body can cheat on her and hurry into O'Neill's embrace.
Even though she wants to feel him, she can't do this. She can't sink into his arms and then go on as if it had only been an 'oh hey, great to see you again'-hug. Her feelings for him hold her at gunpoint. Giving in to this hug is the fatal shot. So she turns around and goes for the earlier tactic again.
"I… uh… have to check the…"
"The circuit, right," he says.
She's waiting for a sound that signals he's leaving, which is a mere unrealistic wish. All she hears is the rustling of fabric, and she guesses he's digging his hands into his pockets, probably rocking back on his heels. She wishes him onto a different planet, a faraway galaxy to be sure. Everywhere but here so close that she can still smell him.
"Carter," he says with the same soft voice. Her name pulls on her like a fishing rod on a reluctant fish fighting to not give up.
"I'll try," he says to her back and then adds, "But if I fail, I know you'll bring me back."
Another tear betrays her and falls onto the panel. The tiny drop glistens as the essence of pureness even though it's born out of misconduct and flaw. Because that is what Sam's feelings for Colonel O'Neill are. At least to the US Airforce.