Forsaken Feelings

Missing scene from "Forsaken"

Just like it had never been there, the Serbus disappears from P2X-005. Sam can't describe why seeing a ship lift-off has something romantic. It reminds her of the time her dad had taken her to Houston to see the rockets launch. Ever since then, she had been more fascinated by the world off her own world.

"Jonas, dial us home," Colonel O'Neill says and brings Sam's mind back to this planet.

"Sir, I know SG-1 wasn't scheduled to stay on P2X-005 for more than 48 hours, but we still have a good night to watch the dying core," Sam says and hopes it's going to be as easy to convince him as convincing him to go on this mission was in the first place. She can't shake the feeling that he had been so supportive because of their last interference with Nirtii. For once, Sam doesn't really care. She was dying to watch a sun die, and this was her chance.

"You want to stay?" O'Neill says with that common-Carter-expression of his.

"Just one more night. We're all set up." She checks her watch. "It should be dark in three hours. We can leave as soon as the sun rises."

"Carter, it's been long days."

"I don't mind," Jonas says.

"Neither do I," Teal'c adds and it's three against one. Which, in standard military constellations doesn't matter because the highest rank overrules them all. Just Colonel O'Neill is not an ordinary military leader and usually, he listens to his team member's suggestions. However, this time, he seems on the fence about this. He flinches and turns back to Carter, and she tries her brightest smile that for some reason, doesn't seem to work today.

"Sir." She knows she's going to lose him with technobabble, so she tries tickling the stargazer in him. "You won't ever see that from your roof."

Colonel O'Neill grunts and squints his eyes. Something is up with him only that she can't tell what. Before she can think about too much, he says, "Alright. Teal'c, Jonas, inform Hammond. We'll be coming back in 12 hours, and they are better still serving breakfast by then." Sam's head is already deep deep in deep space.

Hours later Jonas is snoring in his tent and Teal'c is in a deep kel'norem, so it's Sam, and Colonel O'Neill sitting in the small clearing on top of the mountain taking turns at looking through the telescope.

"It's pretty cool," Colonel O'Neill says, and she knows it's stupid, but the fact that he shares her passion makes her heart jump a bit.

"Right?" She beams at him what he probably can't even see in the darkness. "It's the luminous layer of ionized gas."

He moves next to her and she's already anticpating another gas joke when he suddenly says with melancholia in his voice, "He would have liked you."

At first, she doesn't understand. Then it's like looking through the telescope and seeing it bright and big. Charlie. He has never talked about him, so she doesn't know what to say, and now she is glad that it's dark and he can barely see her face. She doesn't need to say anything because he keeps talking as he looks up into the star-studded night sky.

"He was really into stars and space and all of this."

His voice sounds different when he talks about his son. Open, more vulnerable. Sam swallows and knows she needs to say something back if she wants him to keep going. And she wants to. She has experienced in many stages that this man feels something for her—opening up about his dead son might be the most profound commitment he has ever made.

"That's why you have the telescope on your roof?" she asks softly.

"Yeah. You two would have geeked out. If you can explain things, so I get them, he would have gotten it all." Colonel O'Neill pauses for a moment, and Sam can feel the tension in him. She tells herself there's a little stone pricking in her right butt cheek—in all honesty, she just needs an excuse to scoot a bit over so her arm brushes along his.

"He was a great kid, you know. Smart, interested, just fun to hang out."

"I'm sure he was," she answers, and after a brief pause, she adds, "His dad is pretty great."

He doesn't answer right away what makes her nervous. She doesn't want to say the wrong thing, and she might just did. Yet he surprises her again.

"Maybe. I never allowed myself to think that way, after..." He stops and swallows deeply. It seems like he wants to think about Charlie without thinking about his death.

The display of his watch lights up in the darkness and reveals his face for a brief second. There's grief in his eyes, a look Sam knows all too well when she sometimes catches her face in the mirror after thinking about her mom or Daniel. It's seconds after midnight.

"It would be his birthday today," he says quietly, and it comes as a shock. She made him stay, and probably all he wanted was to be alone or with Sara or where he usually was that day.

"I'm so sorry, Sir. I didn't know… And I made you stay for this stupid…"

"It's not stupid."

Sam feels bad for ignoring his hesitation. She had sensed that something wasn't right but had only cared about the dying sun.

"It's okay. Really. In the past years, I had this strict routine setup. Nothing was allowed to change... It's not like it brings him back," Jack says.

She knows what he is talking about. In the years after her mother's death, she had ceremonially conducted the same routine. Thrown fits with her father when he suggested doing something different. She was so absorbed with her own pain that her father's and brother's didn't count. As if remembering and honoring their mother only worked Sam's way.

"It doesn't," she says.

"If the last few years have shown me one thing, it's that it doesn't matter where you are or what you do. All that matters is where your heart is."

She feels his glance on her. It's intense and warm and loving and he's not talking about Charlie anymore. This is one of the dangerous moments between them—this time she doesn't care. She nudges him gently without moving out of his personal space, so their shoulders touch and his warmth streams through her shirt. It's a connection as innocent as they come—when you don't consider that the feelings connected with it are more than just against the rules. Tonight it doesn't matter. Tonight she has seen something special. And it's not the dying sun. It's a side of Jack O'Neill he knows to hide well. He let her in on this, and it means everything to her.

"Thanks for trusting me with this."

"If not you Carter, who else?"

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