Brace Pt 2

Episode tag for "Grace".

The illuminated window broadcasts the warm image of perfect happiness: A blue-eyed boy and a blonde girl laugh about their dad's goofy act then throw themselves into the arms of their beautiful mom. You can hear them squeak when their father picks them up and throws one over each shoulder and carries them to bed. Another day of love and laughter makes its way for the next one that's already waiting, filled with new ideas, to take over.

It's a tiny snippet of a much longer movie called family life. An entirely different genre from the one Sam's film is set in. The thought of missing out on that scene flickers through Sam's mind.

It is what you want, right? As a woman, you want a family; that's what you do.

Just that Sam isn't sure about it anymore, isn't sure if a family is what she dreams of when she allows herself to drift into future fantasies. It used to be. But now thinking about it, it seems to her that she has always dreamt the dream of someone else. Even if this idea would glimmer more intensely somewhere inside of her, how could she bring children into the world knowing what she knows? It's her job to protect the earth from Replicators, stop Goa'Uld from destroying the planet or worse: from enslaving it once again. And this job is hard. Takes everything from her, and yet, she realizes, if she had a husband, a house, kids she would not be able to do this job, which is the most important thing to her. It gives her what she really wants: A team she would die for. A calling. A purpose in life. There is no space for a family. No space to worry about someone else but the destiny of the entire planet. Especially because the only space left to worry is occupied by probably the last person she should be worrying about—Colonel Jack O'Neill.

"Wine?" Karen hands Sam a glass with a deep red liquid and takes a seat next to her. The last time some sneaked up on Sam like this, she found herself captured in a Goa'Uld prison. Now it's her sister in law cornering Sam with questions she can read of her face. It's oddly calming to feel Karen's shoulder brush against hers. They've known each other for twenty years. Best friends in high school and then, while Sam was away become the person she is today, her brother had fallen for Karen just like Sam had fallen for her before. Her emotional intelligence, her care for others, her ability to make you feel better—what made good best friends made good wives too.

"So, what are you really running away from?" If Karen weren't so right about her assumptions, Sam would smile about how she stills knows her. No matter how far their lives are apart. She might be the only person besides Daniel, Teal'c, and Jack, who knows her.

Sam takes a sip of wine and then a second one because she feels Karen's eyes on her and doesn't really want to answer.

"What's his name?"

For crying out loud, she can't hide anything from that woman.

Sam is trying hard to dig out a lie that's going to satisfy Karen, but the longer she thinks, the clearer another thought formulates: she can trust her. Karen might be the only person she can tell it all. No judgment like there would be from Janet. No friendship with Jack like Daniel has. And well, quite honestly, there's no one else. So instead of going down the rabbit hole of denying everything once again, Sam decides to let Karen in. To tell her what is making life so miserable from time to time. Maybe it will help Sam figure out what to do—after all, it is the reason why she escaped from the SGC and came here in the first place. On the heels of this thought, Sam remembers the SGC hallway rumors about how Colonel O'Neill had snapped when they couldn't find her. The account of a hell-of-a-terrifying Colonel who had barked at everyone and everything within proximity while she was missing. Maybe, Sam thinks, this is the reason why he had fled the mountain and Colorado Springs in the middle of the night. If she's right, jumped from the infirmary right into his truck to escape to his cabin. The idea of Jack being overwhelmed by his feelings for her makes her feel good, briefly, because it's not making things easier.

The facts are simple. They can't be together when they are in the military. And they can't leave the military because there are higher stakes than an unlived, untouched love. With all this swirling through her mind, she sighs when Karen prods her with an eyebrow raise.

She sighs, "Jack O'Neill." His name feels strange on her tongue. Never has she used it to talk about him in other ways than her commanding officer, let alone to talk about what there is between them. Karen smiles satisfied as if saying his name laid the foundation to a promising building they can pull up together to give this love a home, but then Sam drops the bomb when she says, "Colonel Jack O'Neill."

"Oh," Karen chews out. Sam loves Karen for not making her elaborate on why being a Colonel is bad, but since she decided it's all coming out tonight, Sam says, "He's my boss."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

For a moment, they sit there in silence, and watch Mark through the window, read a goodnight story to the kids. Goosebumps have crawled up Sam's neck, and a sickening feeling is grabbing her stomach. She has never admitted her feelings for him other than that Zar'Tarc incident years ago. Doing so again is resignation. For the first time, something is stronger than her. For the first time, there is something that she can't beat.

In the face of this surrender, she starts telling Karen about their love. It spouts out of her in an uncontrollable stream of confessions, feelings, and wishes—some of them even Sam hears for the first time. She tells her friend how Colonel O'Neill was the first commander she ever truly trusted. About the boyish charm and odd sense of humor, the man Jack O'Neill has. About how he gives everything for others and how she knows he would die for her. About time he told her how he feels for her and that she told him too. That it's not just a physical thing, but hell yes, he's hot, and yes, she fantasizes about him. She tells Karen that the fear of losing him is greater than the desire to be with him because he's more than just a guy she fell in love with. She tells her a security clearance version of how they had this one night when their memories had been wiped, and all Jonah and Terrah could feel for each other was love. When Sam is done telling Karen all the reasons why they can't be together, she feels heavier and lighter at the same time. Putting it in words, laying it all out for another person, helps her not to feel crazy anymore. This is real love—she realizes. Unfortunately, one that can't be.

"Wow," Karen says after a while and blows out a puff of air. "He sounds great." She grins mischievously. "You're sure you can't just break the regs for him?"

As tempting as that sounds: "No."

Mark would roll his eyes at her. Telling her she's too much like dad, who only ever cared about work, the military, protecting the homeland and all long forgetting his life, his family, ultimately being responsible for their mom's death. But not Karen. She doesn't understand Sam's reasons, but she accepts them without judgment.

"Well, then there's only one thing left," Karen says with an irritating upbeatness. "You need to get distracted, and I know just the guy."

Sam is baffled by this logic. It's simple physics: built-up energy needs to be relieved, so why hasn't she thought about it herself? If she can't give Jack O'Neill the love she has for him, it needs to go somewhere else, and it might as well be the guy Karen has in mind.

I'd love to read what you think. Thanks for your reviews and comments.