By the rules

Missing scenes for "Affinity"

Lately, floors have the annoying habit of being solid. No chasm presents itself available for immediate jumping in when you need it most. Not a couple of months ago during that first uncomfortable conversation about Carter's love life, not now when she's handing him the little ring box. Jack's default defense-humorism manages a witty comment while in the background, wheels are turning, and his heart is seizing. Possibly he's just going to have a heart attack and get out of it this way, but just like floors, his heart seems rather reliable. It's steadily pounding in his chest, enduring the pain just like it did the past four years.

"I haven't said yes," Carter says.

"And yet, you haven't said no."

This is as much of his true feelings he will give away. The rest of the conversation happens without him participating. He notices he is answering while his head is elsewhere—credits for that have to go to years of sitting through meetings and reacting to Carter's technobabble and Daniel's archaeology-gibberish.

But then comes the one question, and it brings him right back into Carter's lab with this distractingly sparkling diamond between them.

"What about you? If things had been different…"

This is the real question of this conversation, disguised as a question about his past. What she's really asking—or what he's hearing, what some part of him wants her to ask while some other really doesn't is: what about us? It is burning from her eyes, hangs unsaid on her lips. And oh yes, he still cares for her—much more than he is supposed to. But he has dedicated his life to fighting the Goa'Uld. Not once, not twice, some uncountable times had he been willing to risk his life for this war and in the grand scheme of things decided a long time ago to give his love for this war as well. Because of rules and regulations and because he had always thought she had done the same. The ring is the ultimate proof. Just her question a yaw.

Things won't change. Rules won't bend. So this between them will never happen. Not as long as the Goa'Uld are fighting back, and only Gods know how long that will take.

He can't give her his love, but he wants to give her every little thing he can. And if that means pushing her into the arms of another man, so she can be happy, then he will give this to her. Perhaps at the price of hurting her first.

"I wouldn't be here," Jack says and tries to make it as final as possible. She sighs and looks down, and he takes it as the chance to leave.

"Go home, Carter," he commands as if his previous sentence wasn't enough.

When he steps out of her lab, all he can't think is whiskey, but instead, he heads back to his office and finishes reports.

For the past minutes, Daniel has been lingering in front of Jack's office. Occasionally, Daniel peeks into the room, but Jack knows better than looking up from the report he is not reading. Eventually, Jack decides, Daniel has been trying to build up courage for long enough and calls him in.

Daniel's eyes jump all over Jack in search of a clue of what's going on inside of him, but if Daniel came to talk, he's gotta talk.

"So, have you heard?" Daniel slumps down into the chair across Jack's desk and pretends to be very interested in the golden eagle he's picked up from a massive pile of unread reports.

"I'm the man Daniel. I hear pretty much everything." Jack knows exactly what Daniel is talking about, but if he wants an answer, he needs to ask first.

"Sam's engaged."

So, she did it. It's not that Jack is surprised about the fact, more so that something in him had hoped and believed she wouldn't. For what reason he's not sure, because a long time ago he came to terms that this between them will never happen.

"To Pete," Daniel adds as if there's suddenly some other candidate in the mix. Well, some other guys would probably line up right away — that horrible McKay, for example.

Daniel is getting antsy and a bit annoyed because none of his words create a reaction in Jack. So he keeps pressing, "You knew?"

It's almost amusing how surprised Daniel seems. The idea that Carter told Jack seems absurd to his friend. So Jack decides on all honesty today—well, for the most part.

"Yeah," Jack states. "We talked about it," he clarifies.

It takes Daniel a second to rearrange his face.

"You talked about it?"

"Yeah."

"Like she asked you for advice?"

"Kind of."

"And you said she should marry him?"

Daniel's voice is now at least two octaves higher, and if it weren't for that still kind of sensitive topic, Jack would enjoy this moment a lot.

"I didn't tell her not to."

Daniel is now looking at him as if not sure if Jack O'Neill has been replaced once again or infected with some alien virus or just finally gone nuts. But Daniel knows him too well, and after getting over his first astonishment, he notices the game of cool Jack is playing and raises the stakes.

"And the thing between you and Sam, …"

Of course, it doesn't take Daniel long to have him pushed to the edge. One more and Jack might lose his hard-won cool.

"Daniel," Jack hisses but Daniel doesn't care about this warning. He's way too agitated about this. Why Jack wonders. Why is whatever there is or was and definitely never will be between him and Carter so important to him?

"So you're okay with this?"

"Of course. I've told her a million times to get a life. She's finally following orders." It takes him every inch of self-control to get this out, but he does and is surprised that it seems to satisfy Daniel.

"I guess I just always thought…"

"Daniel, she's my 2IC, I'm her commanding officer, that's what we are. It's okay." Jack cuts him off, answering the question that drove Daniel here in the first place. Everything he will say about this has been said. Daniel seems to understand and retreats.

When the door closes behind Daniel, Jack lets out a huff of air and pulls the next report out of this neverending pile.

Weirdly it's true. He is fine. With Carter's decision to get a life, something in him has clicked. As long as he was thinking about her, setting his sights on what he thought was unattainable, he was stuck in the idea that maybe, one day, they would get a chance. Now that there was no reason to hope for one day anymore, perhaps he could finally move on.

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