Why am I writing for Final Fantasy VII? I haven't even played Final Fantasy VII! HOW DO I KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT FINAL FANTASY VII!?

So my Silmarillion fic 'Galadriel's Rules For the Family Reunion' was so much fun to write that I had to do something similar for another fandom. You can tell a lot about people by the kinds of rules they feel obligated to set in place. Shinra probably isn't quite so... erm... hectic as I make it out to be, but I can imagine quite a few of these rules having legitimate purpose behind them. Shinra's weird, man.

1. Someone is always watching you.

2. Do not ask the General the brand or quantity of shampoo he uses.

3. Do not fraternize with Reno over coffee/lunch/paperwork/explosives or anything else.

4. Do not panic if you are ambushed/attacked/etc. by the junior Turks. They are merely performing their stealth training and will not harm you under Tseng's strict orders. The less impressive your reaction, the less likely they will be to target you again.

5. Do not roughhouse in the showers. More accidents occur there than in any other area in the entire Tower (excluding the labs).

6. Do not tell Mr. Fair there are free brownies in the labs. Last time it took three days to convince Hojo to let him out again.

7. If there is no more coffee in the machine, make some more IMMEDIATELY. If there is no more coffee in the can, inform the head of your department IMMEDIATELY. If the coffee machine is broken, report it to the janitorial staff IMMEDIATELY. The company is far too dependent on caffeine to go more than twelve hours without. We do not need another coffee apocalypse.

8. Do not ask the General if you can see his wing.

9. Do not ask Commander Hewley if you can see his wing(s?).

10. Do not ask Commander Rhapsodos if you can see his wing.

11. Do not ask anyone if you can see their wing.

12. Do not mock LOVELESS. Do not steal LOVELESS. Do not sabotage LOVELESS. Do not have anything to do with LOVELESS.

13. Do not ask the Turks what their real names are.

14. Tseng's tilak is not a third eye.

15. If you find a cat robot in your room, do not panic. Inform the Head of Urban Development at once. In the meantime, do not do anything private or incriminating while the robot is still present (see Rule #1).

16. Do not assist Reno in his pranks, and if you have knowledge of such a prank, you are required to report it to Tseng. Failure to do so will result in suspended coffee privileges for a week.

17. Do not assist Mr. Fair in his pranks. There is no compromise. Do not be swayed by the puppy eyes.

18. Yes, Commander Rhapsodos is a natural redhead.

19. No, Reno is not.

20. 'For science' is not a legitimate excuse.

21. Do not tell the cadets that the General will eat them alive if their boots are not laced properly.

22. Do not use EMRs for other than their intended purpose. Inappropriate usage includes but is not limited to zapping flies, sabotaging rival departments' electronics, curling your hair, teasing lab specimens, scorching your paperwork, etc.

23. Do not shout "Encore!" when Commander Rhapsodos is singing in the shower.

24. Do not record Commander Rhapsodos singing in the shower and then sell or distribute the tapes as 'new hit singles'.

25. Do not steal materia. DO NOT STEAL MATERIA.

26. Do not eat anything that comes out of the labs.

27. Do not ask/bribe Reno to eat your paperwork.

28. Do not enter the janitorial and lab supply closets.

29. Only Commander Hewley is allowed to call Mr. Fair a puppy.

30. No fan club activity is permitted on company grounds.

31. Do not attack the vending machines if they eat your money. Alert the janitorial staff of the failure and you may get your gil back. You must pay for the damages if you destroy the vending machines. Injuries resulting from sticking your arm into the slot to try and retrieve your purchase do not count as work injuries and will not be covered by insurance.

32. DO NOT under ANY circumstances give a SOLDIER a carbonated drink. While they can handle excesses of sugar quite well due to their astronomically high metabolisms, soft drinks, energy drinks, and the like will send them quite literally through the roof for not entirely understood reasons. We have already seen many near-massacres at the hands of out-of-control SOLDIERs high on this unholy solution of sugar, caffeine, and bubbles.

33. Should Commander Rhapsodos see fit to recite poetry to you, have the decency and sense of self-preservation to look interested. You do not want an eccentric pyromanic First Class SOLDIER for an enemy (see Rule #12).

34. Do not sneak up on SOLDIERs and yell 'Boo!'

35. Do not hack into the security cameras and copy or record any of the footage. Idle viewing for entertainment, blackmail, etc., is also prohibited.

36. Do not ask the Director of SOLDIER where he got his wig. It is not a wig.

37. Alcohol is forbidden within the tower. Any smuggled alcohol will be quite literally sniffed out by the first SOLDIER you encounter, and there will be consequences. Spiking the punch at office parties is also forbidden.

38. Do not ask Commander Rhapsodos if he wears eyeliner. He does, but that is not the point.

39. Do not ask why the secretaries keep glitter pens in stock.

40. No one has access to the Turks' hidden supply of coffee except the Turks.

41. Do not pick fights with the janitors. They are tougher than they look.

42. Keep your desk and office clean. We do not ask for total perfection, merely for others to be able to maneuver through your work space without risk of bodily harm.

43. Your office is not your apartment. Keep all personal items, with the exception of ONE purse or handbag and/or an approved weapon, out of your work space. Any non-approved personal items will be confiscated.

44. Do not get into an argument/screaming match with Commander Rhapsodos. The man can scream the moon down.

45. Do not venture onto the Turks' floor if it seems unusually quiet. The greater the silence, the greater the danger.

46. Do not ask if SOLDIERs' eyes make good nightlights.

47. Treat Commander Rhapsodos's leather coat as though it were holy.

48. No pets are allowed, not even a little pocket kitten.

49. Do not smoke in the mail department. Violent collapse of civilization would be preferable to a mail room blaze.

50. If you don't know what JENOVA is, you are not allowed to know.

Is there too much Genesis in this? If so, I do not apologize. I love that guy so much.

Also, can anyone tell me who Sephiroth's father is? Is it Hojo or Vincent? I thought it was Hojo, but I've seen things... around... and what's with Genesis and can openers? The wiki is no help. I HAVE QUESTIONS.