You have no excuse for your violence, Asuka.
As Shinji walked to the kitchen where he knew his apartment had a phone, heavy but quick footsteps echoed across the floor behind him following the noise of an opening door.
He waited until he could see the reflection of the cause of almost all his grief and misery in the last few years through the glass of a clock on the wall before he very reluctantly turned around with a look of complete and utter hatred.
A strong form of hatred, made all the stronger by how long he had tried to feel the slightest hint of love instead for the fiend he now directed it towards.
How many times had he had tried to save her life at the cost of his own?
How long had he taken the horrible way she treated him in absolute silence?
The food and chores he woke up every day at the crack of dawn to get done so that she could begin to see even the slightest reason not to put him down even more.
The times he sat in the hospital, setting aside his own pain to try and help her through her pain as best he could. Crying for her. Begging her to wake up and be alright.
All so that she could come home to kick his butt once more, even as he rejoiced in her recovery and her return.
"Are you going to hit me again?" Shinji demanded, spreading his arms out wide, too angry to cry any more.
"Because you know that I can't pilot well if you punch me. And if I can't pilot well, I can't save the world. And if I don't save the world, we are all going to die. You, me and everyone we know along with everyone we don't know, is going to die if I can't pilot well."
"I should kill you right now" Asuka retorted, on the verge of a meltdown herself.
"You don't need to kill me, Asuka. The Angels and my dad will take care of doing that for you. Why bother with putting my icky blood on your beautiful hands when I'm pretty much doomed anyway." Shinji growled as all the memories of the times he cried for her when she was unconscious came back to him, as clearly as if they all happened just yesterday.
"I know what you are going to say Asuka. You are going to tell me that your mum killed herself because of your dad and left you as an orphan. And that after I somehow did better than you did being an EVA pilot, you got jealous and since then you've always hated me."
He clutched his head in utter helplessness.
"Well guess what Asuka? My mum killed herself because of my dad as well, and now he flat out wants me dead as well. And I wasn't trying to be better than you or take anything away from you or anything. I just wanted to protect the people I loved with my life, including you, and to maybe make a few friends along the way but that's not important."
He grinned crazily as he punched himself in the head.
"You like seeing me in pain, Asuka? You like it, well do you?"
Asuka stood shock still, unsure of how to react. "Gott in Himmel, hilf" She pleaded in her mothertongue of German.
He punched himself hard a few more times, his cracked smile not fading even as he reeled back from his self-inflicted beatdown.
"You like this, Asuka? This where you get your sick kicks?"
"I hate you, stupid." Asuka spat eventually, unsure of what else to say at this moment of incredibly stupid masochism.
"You hate the guy that saved your life countless times. You hate the nice friendly guy who literally goes out of his way every day to make your life as comfortable and easy as he possibly can and doesn't so much as bat an eyelid when you hit him for no reason."
"You're weak. And I only like strong people." Asuka quipped, not at all caring about the internal bleeding that Shinji was beginning to suffer as a result of the relentless beating he had given himself.
"And you're strong?" Shinji asked as his headache began to intensify and he began to get woozy. "You think you're strong when every time you have a problem, you have to load all your sadness onto me in the most malicious and hurtful way possible? You think you're confident when you can't even take the fact that I accidentally did better than you did, without even intending to? You think we're ever going to win against the Angels if more than half the time I pilot, I have to do it with a broken skull and a bleeding nose?"
"Well I'm just saying you're weak." Asuka reiterated. "And until I no longer see you as weak, I'm never going to like you, ever."
"The guy who's won literally every fight you couldn't win yourself, and who has to then save your life is weak. The guy whose been taking your violent beatdowns without so much as a "please stop beating me up" for years on end now, is somehow not strong? Sorry, but I don't even know what your definition of strong is anymore Asuka? Do you live in some sort of imaginary world where they speak some crazy language I don't understand? Because if you do, please tell me." Shinji spread out his hands as his vision blurred more.
"Well you're a coward. And cowards aren't worth the space they take up on Earth." Asuka was desperately trying to pull more and more rebuttals out of her ass now as every one of Shinji's points hit bullseye in spite of what she tried to tell herself. She needed to be right and Shinji needed to be wrong.
Shinji uttered a dry laugh of insipidity as he gave himself another punch to the head.
He no longer cared if he died. He just needed Asuka to see the error of her ways so that she would at least vaguely repent and not continue to direct her cruelty towards his friends when he was no longer there to stop her.
"A coward? You think I am a coward? I take life-threatening risks when fighting the Angels that you never would, while you hesitate and let the Angels nearly kill you making my job all the harder.
I stay beside you at the hospital to give you moral support, and you just abandon me to go do your own thing every time I end up in the hospital. I do that knowing that you're going to get angry and violent at me the second you wake up.
I do every one of your chores for you and cook every one of your meals to absolute perfection without even having to be asked, but you're all too happy to leave me to suffer in solitude every time I beg you for just a tiny bit of help, and only because literally no one else around me would help me."
He cleared his throat a little as he felt the ache in his cranial region intensify.
"And most of all Asuka, I never hit you. I never insult you. Even behind your back, I only say good things about how amazing I think you are and how I'd love for once just to see your smile.
And I don't so much as lift a finger to stop you when you come to beat me up, because I know you like beating me up."
He looked utterly dumbfounded.
"In what world could any of my actions be seen as anything other than brave? What do I need to even do to prove myself to you once and for all, huh? Do I need to hit you the same way you hit me?
Do I need to insult you constantly until I shatter the last of the self-esteem you still have, like you've done to me?
Do you want me to say "Do it yourself" every time you ask me to do something for you because apparently according to you, being strong and brave means being an ass who makes everyone's life around them a hassle in a time when things are already bad enough as it is."
"Niceness is a weakness…" Asuka tried to weakly reason only to be cut off mid-sentence as Shinji punched himself once more.
"Bull." He shouted, pointing accusingly at her with one finger and clutching his head with the other. "That's bull. I've seen the way you talk and act around Misato, your friend Hikari, Kaji and the other people at NERV and I can safely say that it isn't anything like how you behave around me.
So don't give me that crap. Don't pretend you don't know how to treat others with respect and dignity when you clearly do, and you do it every single day while you're making my life a living hell."
He stamped his feet and unleashed an animalistic howl of anguish that sounded more animal than human which seemed to make the room resound with its loudness.
"WHY!" he demanded as he began to feel the first effects of blackout "WHY! WHY! WHY! WHY DO THOSE OTHER JERKS DESERVE KINDNESS AND AFFECTION AND I DON'T! WHY DO I HAVE TO PUT MY LIFE ON THE LINE COUNTLESS TIMES WHEN ALL I GET IS MORE CRAP FROM THE PEOPLE I SAVE?
WHY IS it ALRIGHT FOR OTHERS TO GET UPSET AT ME OVER NOTHING WHEN I'M NOT ALLOWED TO BE MAD AT ANYONE EVEN WHEN THEY'RE ACTIVELY RUINING MY LIFE!?"
He buckled to his knees as Asuka began to fume, red in the face.
"I'M A NICE GUY!" he protested, still at the top of his lungs. "I'M GOOD. I'M FRIENDLY. I'M POLITE. I DON'T GO AROUND BEATING PEOPLE UP EVEN WHEN THEY BEAT ME UP. I ONLY GOT ANGRY AT MY DAD ONCE AFTER BEING MISTREATED BY HIM FOR MY ENTIRE LIFE. I'M A SANE AND SENSIBLE MAN WHO CARES ABOUT THE PEOPLE AROUND HIM!"
He finally ran out of air in his lungs and he stopped to take a few breaths as Asuka, far from being sorry for what she had done, accosted him with yet another insult she had come up with in the time it took him to launch his maximum volume tirade and recover his breath.
…
"That was Shinji's scream. He must be in terrible danger. Come on Mari, we need to get in there quickly." Ordered a small girl with short blue hair as she gestured to her brown-haired companion with red glasses to hurry to the front door she was now stood before, pacing impatiently.
Artificial humans had better hearing than normal ones, and while Rei knew that Mari had not heard the noise or perhaps not heard it as clearly as her, she had gotten the brunette's attention, nonetheless.
"Alright Rei. We'll go quickly. Let me just get this key out and open the door and we'll be inside." The newest brunette pilot of NERV replied with concern, even as she hurried towards the door while fumbling for the key, she kept in one of the pockets of her pale green Yukata. It was not easy to run in it especially when you were wearing sandals, but she eventually made it to where Rei in her pale blue Yukata the same colour as her hair was already standing, looking more and more pale by the second.
As the two girls who were themselves EVA pilots alongside Shinji and Asuka hurried across the dirty apartment floor hand in hand, Rei reflected on the events of earlier this day which had brought her and Mari to the very apartment in which the first person to ever show her any sort of concern and compassion resided.
She, Shinji and Mari had been lucky enough to find each other in the briefing room after Asuka had left in a huff following a fortunately not too difficult Angel battle in which none of them were seriously hurt.
"Hey you two. There's this amazing festival in the city later this evening, and it's going to rock. There's going to be tons of awesome free food, music and lots of amazing things to see. It would mean a lot to me if someone could come with me. It's no fun going on my own." Mari had gently requested, breaking the awkward ice between the three least violent NERV pilots and by extension, three least violent NERV members.
Shinji and Rei turned to one another to consider this offer. They carefully considered the fact that they were both badly abused introverts who had been beaten into the ground all their lives by uncaring monsters who did not deserve the title of "human" anymore than the Angels did.
They considered how from the honesty in her eyes and the upfront positive energy in her voice when she spoke, that Mari seemed trustworthy enough at the very least. They considered that her name was Mari Makinami Illustrious and not Asuka Langely Soryu, Gendo Ikari (the evil emperor as Shinji, Rei and Mari preferred to secretly refer to him by) or Kozo Fuyutsuki, Gendo's sleazeball lackey almost as bad as Gendo himself. A beautiful name for a beautiful person, who was beautiful on both the inside and the outside.
And last of all, they considered how none of the three of them could have made a cakewalk out of what was supposed to be a nigh unwinnable mission suicide without their mutual cooperation. ~
How they three had put their courage and their skills together to rescue an overly hasty Asuka after she had managed to get herself nearly killed with her recklessness and flagrant disregard for caution, without getting so much as a thank you.
"I would." Shinji began, forcing every last ounce of his remaining bravery into his mouth as he returned the smile of the brown-haired British woman whose face could not help but remind him of his late mother almost as much as Rei did. "I would like that very much, Mari. Thank you."
"As would I" Rei managed after a tense silence to reply, encouraged by Shinji's decision.
If he agreed to something despite his hesitative nature, it must have meant that it was a thing worth dying for.
"Oh that's wonderful news." Mari had chipperly replied, nearly bursting into song with every word. "You two go home and when it's nearly time for the festival, I'll come fetch you two with my car. Yes I have a car. We'll all wear Yukata's for the festival because it's only cool if we do that. I'll get mine ready and I'll bring one for both of you. But for now, go home and get some rest."
"We will Mari." Shinji said, speaking for both himself and Rei. "Thank you."
And he handed Mari the spare set of keys he had for his apartment building (which he got when he once thought he lost the original set and got a replacement only to find the original later) which was too cheap to even have a buzzer system for its residents and modestly explained that since he was very shy and a knock was unlikely to reach all the way up to his room on the sixth floor, it would be best if her and Rei came up and knocked.
He concluded the meeting as he, Rei and Mari had gone their separate ways by claiming that he would be awaiting his first public outing in his entire lifetime with his first two real friends, with bated breath.
To which Mari had returned with a knowing nod and a reassuring smile.
"The elevator's not working." Mari anxiously reported as she tapped the button supposed to summon the lift with no success.
"Take the stairs!" Rei instructed, leading by example and nearly tripping several times in her hurry to reach the sixth floor quickly. The urgency in the earlier cry of terror clearly told her that the boy who was her sole reason for wanting to live and find her own identity was in great trouble.
And if the story he once told her of his roommate being a narcissistic, hot tempered psychopath along with his commanding major being a drunk slob held any sort of weight whatsoever, then…
"I'm sorry Shinji…" Rei sobbed silently to herself as Mari joined her in ascending the seemingly endless flight of stairs which seemed to go on forever upwards. "For everything. I should have listened to you. I should have done something more to help you. You can blame it all on me, Shinji."
Oh Shinji…
…
"No one needs you, stupid. No one would even notice if you were gone. Why don't you just go kill yourself so that there'll be one less mouth to feed and we'll all be better off without you."
She felt for sure that after doing so much shouting and raging, this insult was sure to crush Shinji and finally make him concede defeat. She could not have been more wrong as the now on his knees Shinji looked up to let her see the dark tunnels he now had for eyes as he gritted his teeth so hard he felt they might break.
"Who are you talking to right now?" he asked in a surprisingly composed and rational tone, even as Asuka got darker and darker through his fading vision. "Who is it, you think you see?"
Asuka was puzzled. What more could this idiotic brat have to say?
"Do you know how many completely innocent lives depend on me and what would happen if I stopped being a pilot? I mean even if I told you, you wouldn't believe it. Do you know, how much NERV makes a year because of me? A business, big enough that it could be listed on the NASDAQ goes belly up. DISSAPEARS! It ceases to exist without me."
His grimace hardened and a mighty flame began to flicker in his tunnel like eyes as he continued his rebuttal.
"No! you clearly don't know who you're talking to right now, so let me clue you in. I am not in danger, Asuka. I AM THE DANGER! A guy opens his door and gets shot and you think that of me?"
He looked up further, letting Asuka see even more of the burning fury in his dark eyes.
"No. I am the one who knocks."
His passion and energy behind his words momentarily silenced his roommate and he quickly thought of his next words before she could recover.
"You know Asuka, as much as you make me upset, you also give me a reason to live. You give me the perfect reason why I can't just kill myself however much I want to. Because I know. I know that if I die, you'll just pick on Rei instead."
Asuka tried to put on a face of denial only to look guilty as charged instead as Shinji grimaced in acknowledgement.
"That's right Asuka. Rei told me about how she was trying to make you feel better once in the elevator, trying to convince you that there was more to life than just the Evangelions and you tried to slap her. She told me that you didn't like her because of "nepotism" she had zero control over. Nepotism given by my dad who even I don't approve off, might I add. Say what you will about how I acted like a coward in front of you, but Rei did absolutely nothing to you. And if I die, you'll just pick on Rei because she had an easier time getting into NERV than you. And then you'll probably go and pick on Ritsuko, err doctor Akagi for having more degrees and being better at science than you. And maybe officer Ibuki will be after that."
Asuka tried to shake her head.
"You can dish it out Asuka, but you can't take it. You can pick on me and Rei all you want because you know we won't fight back. You know we care about you the most. Because despite all of our flaws, deep down you know we are nice people with all the nice things you want in a friend, even if you would never care to admit it. I let you abuse me so that you wouldn't abuse the other friends I care about. And say what you will about that, but I think that at least makes me sort of like a hero."
"You have nothing that I want!" Asuka roared. And before Shinji could say anything more as he slumped further to the ground, his head now ringing so painfully he could hardly keep his eyes open.
"I can beat you up any way I want. And no child protective services is going to protect you from me." Asuka dominantly asserted as clumsy but quick footed steps began to echo across the complex getting louder and louder.
"Everything you've done for me, doesn't mean a thing."
Asuka took a breath as she pulled back her right arm in front of the now barely conscious Shinji.
"What you've done, DOESN'T MEAN A THING! AND NOW, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"
The few seconds as she bared her teeth, pulled back her right arm further before her fist started to go forward, a key turned in the lock of the front door opening it quickly and the same footsteps she had paid no heed to earlier sounded once again, this time loud enough to disrupt her concentration.
Before she could register what was going on, strong hands grabbed both her arms and pinned them to her side tightly. She tried to break free from their grasp, but they only held her tighter than ever.
The shaking Shinji could not believe what he was seeing as he rubbed his head a little to clear his vision enough to see the unbelievable sight of Mari and Rei restraining Asuka's arms, preventing her from delivering what would no doubt be one of her most merciless and murderous blows she ever gave to him if she had been allowed to continue uninterrupted.
Perhaps that punch really would have killed him for real.
"I really thought you would be better than this, Asuka" Rei angrily remarked, iridescently attractive in her blue yukata as she continued to keep Asuka's arm completely immobilized.
"As did I" Mari added, her green yukata no less stunningly eye-catching. "The poor chap went through so much for us, and especially you and you really have no shame. Just how do you sleep at night?"
And as the two of them took in the joyous expression on their shared best friend's face, they knew they had become more than just EVA pilots 1 and 4.
The two of them had become the first priest and bishop of a new religion. A hopeful religion that would give people hope instead of breaking it like all those before.
Rei had become the first priest and Mari the first bishop of a sacred mission. The sacred church of saint Shinji.
"In Shinji we trust." the two of them intoned solemnly and silently in perfect unison, promising silently to each other that at the first opportunity, they would pray with each other to their new saviour.
"My friends…" Shinji croaked, the sheer euphoria in the moment granting him the necessary power to just barely vocalize his utter joy in spite of his dizziness.
Wow, he told himself as Asuka continued to thrash about to break free of Rei and Mari's hold to no avail. Dreams really do come true after all. Kindness really did pay off.
Even if it was years overdue, there was no denying the simple joy he had now that the cavalry had arrived for him.
And people told him that the cavalry didn't exist or that if it did, only in fictional stories people wrote to waste the time of others.
The cavalry was a beautiful, wonderful thing.
Especially when it comprised of those you loved and cared for with all your heart and soul, who actually loved you back.
Praise be to the cavalry. The real cavalry.
While Asuka does indeed have a sympathetic backstory, so does Shinji. And while I won't deny that Shinji's not perfect, but then no human is, he at least does not go around beating up his friends or insulting them. And that one time he did insult his father, he had been pushed to the edge. He had had everything taken away from him and he had kept all the rage pent up inside him for years now out of fear of hurting anyone and only when he had no better way to release the rage did it slip out completely by accident.
I don't think you can deny the fact that having a friend who cooks your meals, cleans your messes and sits by your beside when you're not well and never says anything bad about you unless you actively try to push him overboard through your twisted sadism, is miles better than one who punches you in the face and insults you constantly.
What I'm saying is that a world with only Shinji's would be miles better than one with only Asuka's. At the very least you don't get punched in the face repeatedly or insulted for doing absolutely nothing wrong.
It's not Shinji's fault he's better at piloting. He certainly didn't get better out of malice.
And very few of his actions until the End of Evangelion when he had literally lost all his marbles through a lifetime of constant mistreatment and giving people more than a thousand chances that they didn't take, could be described as "cowardly" or "weak".
He wins all the major battles of the series that none of the other pilots could win.
There are a lot of things Asuka and Shinji's dad could have done.
Shinji's dad could have just given his son more money so that Shinji could get ice cream and tasty food to try and soothe a bit of his sadness instead of paying him hardly anything.
And Asuka could have just not hit Shinji in the face. She can hate Shinji, but she doesn't have to insult him or beat him up. Shinji never beat her up or insulted her.
And actually, the only reason Rei decided to give people a chance to come back from instrumentality and defy Gendo was because Shinji was nice to her. So niceness actually was the answer.
And if you think about how the war against Angels would be so much easier if the countries cooperated more then, its even more ironic.