XVII. How long?
The happiness stayed with her throughout the week. Mostly because Damon stayed on her house, as well. They had breakfast together, stayed in bed together, watched movies together and just enjoyed each other's company for the whole week.
But now it was the last day before Damon had to go back to New York and they were both sad. Their little routine was over and it was time to go back to reality.
Bonnie could feel how the darkness started creeping up on her, the feeling of being abandoned again. She wanted to play nice and try not to let her trauma take over her that easily, but she couldn't help it. She had to let it all out.
-I thought you said you'd start a franchise here- she said without looking at him. They were sitting on the sofa, side by side, but still not touching. Fitting with how they were feeling.
-Yes, Bonnie. I did. – he stated, facing her side, looking for her eyes, but she had her eyes fixated on the coffee table- And I will, but that takes time.- he kept trying.
-How much? I don't wanna be in another long-distance relationship.
Bonnie knew she wasn't being fair, but she was tired of needing someone who was miles away. She wanted for him to be in the house after her first day back at the hospital, to tell him about her day, to give her pancakes when she had the day off and to have a warm body to come back to when she had to work 16 hours straight.
-This isn't the same, Bonnie. I'm not him. I'll travel back as soon as I can and I'll work on the franchise as fast as possible. You'll have to be patient, though- he said taking her hand and making circles in it. It made her come back to the ground, remember this wasn't the same as eight years ago.
-I know it's not the same, but I'm tired of being away from you. – she finally looked at him, he seemed worried, so she elaborated- It's taken us long enough to say how we feel about each other and now we have to do the long distance thing and it sucks.
Damon hugged her and held her tight for a few seconds, then kissed her on the crown of her head before sighing.
-I know it sucks, it does for me too and honestly, I'll miss you, the sex most of all- she scoffed and he smiled, knowing that he got her out of her own head- and waking up next to you, of course, but I can't just leave everything in New York. It's my company, I'm the boss. I have to make sure everything is being taken care of before I can move and even then when I move back here I'll have to go to New York periodically. Don't you like it when I use big words?
He was wiggling his eyebrows at her, trying to distract her from the fact that he was not going to be as present as she'd like him to be. But she knew that beforehand, she was just being spoiled and immature, he was right. It was his company and he had to run things, it's not like he was going to stay in New York forever.
-I do- she kissed him, trying to gather strength for the next question- and how long until you can settle back here?
-Two months, probably. If everything runs smoothly. I already have someone in mind to take over New York, but I have to find someone to replace Elena because she's leaving to study medicine. I have to find a place here to start the franchise, so I'll have an excuse to come next month for at least a week.
-Okay, but you'll come in between?
-I can come over the weekend probably, once a month. But it has to be when you're free as well, so we can be together and I don't have to be alone while you work for 20 hours straight.
-It's hard for me to get a weekend off.
-Well, we'll figure it out. It's been too hard already for us to give up now. Right?
-Of course.
She knew what he meant and why he had the face that he did. He was scared. She was, too. Being in a long distance relationship was hard, always, but taking into account their history it was going to be a real test.
-Why don't we go to little heaven to a have a little "see you soon" party? I don't care if you order pancakes for dinner.
-I love that idea. And I love you.
He kissed her, relaxing against her. Things hadn't been easy for them for the last few years, so of course it wasn't going to start being easy now. She had to lower her expectations and just be happy with the little time that she got now, after all, he was moving back home for her.
-I love you so much, Bonnie Bennet- he responded pulling back and looking at her into her eyes, to be sure that she was grasping the concept, even when it was so hard for her to understand that he loved her as intensely as she did.
-Should I put on fancy clothes for this?
-If you want to. I think you look beautiful on yoga pants and a shirt, but a nice dress is always welcomed. You'll look hot either way and we'll undress as soon as we can, either way.
-Yeah. I think I'll go for the dress, that way my ass won't distract you.
-But your legs will.
He kissed her with more heat this time and without her realizing, he was already on top of her and she was burning up in all the right places.
-We'll be late Damon- she said between the small sighs that his kisses on her neck were causing.
-We don't have a reservation, Bonnie. We can be a little late.
-Okay, but just a little.
They ended up being ready to leave an hour and a half later. Bonnie decided on wearing a dress, perfect to endure the heat from summer. And also to keep Damon glancing at her legs from the driver seat. He also put his hands on said legs every time the car could stop.
-This is just mean. You know I can't pay full attention if you're wearing that. You want me to crush this car, right? So you can take care of me on the hospital. You're a sick woman, Bonnie.
-Yeah, you'd say the same if I wore leggings.
-That's because they hug perfectly your curves.
She rolled her eyes, smiling, content with her life the way it was right now.
They got into the restaurant, holding hands and whispering sweet and horny nothings at each other, laughing.
-Do you think you'll be able to come before I start working?
-I don't think so. I'll try, though.
-It's okay. I just wanted to know how long it'll be until we see each other.
-I'll let you know as soon as I can. And talking about that… I need a favor.
-What kind of favor?
-Well, you know… I've been thinking that I can't go back to the house… you know. Ric and Jo are living there with Care and Stefan already. They're supposed to leave soon, but it still seems awkward for me to move back there.
-Okay…- she said, encouraging him to keep talking, already feeling butterflies on her stomach.
-I was thinking…- he seemed nervous- that maybe you could… I don't know… rent me a room?
Bonnie started laughing, which seemed to surprise Damon, but he started laughing nervously as well.
-What do you mean rent you a room?
-Yeah, I mean, we're just starting, I don't know if you'll like having me moving in on your room already.
-Dude, you'll be moving in with me as well. And you won't even be sleeping on another room and you know that.
-I'm just trying not to push you into moving in so quickly.
-I don't care about that. Plus, we'll be having a long-distance relationship, so it seems fitting that once you're back here we'll be living together.
-Weren't you like scared that we were moving so quickly?
-Yeah… but I got over myself. We're in love and we've loved each other for literally a more than decade, even when we were with other people.
-I'm so glad you want me to live with you- he whispered squeezing her hand, making her smile brightly.
-No, you want to live with me.
-Come on Bonnie you're almost begging me to come live with you.
-Shut up- she smiled after shoving him in the shoulder and the waiter came to give them their food.
Damon left that day after leaving her home, alone. She wasn't feeling as hopeless as she did that morning, when she realized she was waking up next to him for the last time in a few weeks. She was a little bit sad, but also hopeful. It was finally a fresh start for them with no lies, not pent up feelings and no secrets. They could finally be free and happy together.
The next few days were good, they spoke on the phone every night. Bonnie had cleaned her whole house, preparing herself for the same schedule she once had. She went to the supermarket, wanting to be prepared to just work on the first few weeks.
Caroline came back from her honeymoon and the very first thing she did was orchestrate a lunch with Bonnie to know everything.
-You didn't tell me you guys were together! I had to find out with everyone else.
-I just thought you had too much on your plate already.
-That's no excuse. I should've had a heads up at least.
-I wasn't planning on letting you all know on the wedding it just kind of happened.
-How? How did it happen, I want to know every single detail.
And with that Bonnie went on into the story of how things worked out between them, their first kiss, their first time, their first I love you and how things had developed since. Their plans and their calls. Bonnie had to stop sometimes to hear Caroline squeal excited and she couldn't stop her laugh bubbling from her stomach, too happy.
-I just want for him to be here now, but things will work out. We just need to be patient now.
-Oh my God, Bonnie! Soon enough we'll be planning your wedding!
-Oh, no. We need to live together first. Speaking of, when are you guys buying yourselves a place?
-Soon. It was either we bought a house or we went on the honeymoon, so, of course we chose the honeymoon. We deserved it.
-Yeah, it was one hell of a wedding.
-Yes. I'm so proud. We'll save for a few months, living on the Salvatore house and we'll probably buy a two story house near Ric and Jo, they're feeling so sad to have both the guys leave the house.
-Yeah, that must suck- said Bonnie moving a bag of sugar absently, thinking about Damon coming to live with her in a couple of months, but Caroline looked at her funny and she added-They can probably start having their own life again. Maybe they could travel.
-I'll suggest them that.
-Great.
-Oh, I forgot to ask. When do you start working?
-In a couple of days. I won't be as busy this time, there's no studying for the exam now.
-That's good. I'll have my best friend once a week perhaps.
-Perhaps.
She left to get home with a smile and talked to Damon about it later, thinking about how easy it felt to be with him in her life now. It was actually hard to think about him not being around anymore.
The blinding happiness stayed with her for approximately three weeks. And then all went to shit.
She and Damon talked on the phone almost every day, about their work, their day but most of all they had meaningful talks about the future and the past and how much they had dreamt about this happening.
Damon was coming to see her next weekend, when she had one day off, he said he'll take the other day to catch up with his brother, so it was all good and dandy. But then, she came into work and the first patient she had to take care of had been in an awful car crash.
-Here's the information we have so far- said a nurse giving her some papers, Bonnie read them while entering the emergency room and when she finally got to the person on the stretcher she could feel all the air leave her lungs.
-Is… where…?- she tried to act professionally, tried to make a full sentence, but she couldn't. The nurse must've thought that her reaction was because of the way the woman on the stretcher looked, full of blood, bruises, cuts and the tubes coming out of her.
-She was brought a few hours back, we took care of most of it, but we need you to asses her. We're thinking we should move her to ICU. She didn't have her ID so we'll have to wait until she wakes up, if she does, to tell us her name.- commented the nurse, moving stuff around and seeing if she had the right medicine on her solution bag.
-It's Abby Bennet- whispered Bonnie, making the nurse stop on her tracks.
-Bennet… like you?
-She's my mother- kept whispering Bonnie, looking at the woman in the stretcher. She had become numb, looking at the ghost of her mother there. She was skinnier, her face with more wrinkles and her hair shorter. She looking nothing like the woman that had raised her along with her father. A bruised and malnourished shell.
-Is this too personal for you to take care of? Do you want me to call another doctor?
-No, I'll be okay. I just need a few minutes to… process this.
The nurse nodded and then walked out to leave her alone with her mother. Bonnie didn't move for the next five minutes, just looking at the state she was in and wondering why she was in town and how long had she been in town without contacting her.
This was fucked up. She was her mother and she knew nothing about her anymore, she had left more than a decade ago and when she came back she didn't let her daughter know about it. Like she didn't let her know that she was leaving her behind.
She didn't realize she started crying until the nurse came back and offered her a tissue. She took it silently and took care of her face and nose, before breathing in and letting all of her feelings go to the back, she locked them up and started working on her mother, trying not to think too long about it or else she'd break in half in front of her colleagues.
After that, she kept powering through the day, numb, without smiling or thinking about anything too much, she felt like the world was shrinking and trembling around her and if she let herself look at it for too long she'd shrink and tremble along with it.
She didn't pick up the phone when Damon called, knowing that hearing his voice would make her cry and if she let herself start crying she knew she wasn't stopping, so she waited ten minutes to send him a text telling him she was busy and to call her tomorrow.
It started like that, she just wanted to be able to function for a few more hours before breaking down, and then she wanted to be able to not have to cry herself to sleep, so she took sleeping pills and tried not to think about it too much. Before she could realize it, she hadn't picked up the phone the next day, and the next day or the next.
She didn't answer Caroline's phone calls either and before she realized it, she had pushed everyone out for a week. She had a lot of texts from Damon (Is everything ok?) and she had read them all, itching to answer them but also scared to do so. He'd been worried, (Bonnie, you know you can tell me anything, please tell me what happened) angry (So you're pushing me away again? Classic Bonnie) and then worried again (Bonnie, please. I'm sorry I snapped, I'm here for you, please pick up). An then he couldn't come because of a last minute problem and she didn't know if she was relieved or not.
She wanted to be with him and tell him and everyone what was going on with her, but she didn't know how to. She didn't know if she could keep going with her life if she did, she didn't know if she could come to work if she did.
Her mother wasn't making any advances, she was just as wrecked as when she came and they had to induce her into coma. They had to perform surgery on her and now they had to wait to see if she could wake up on her own or if they had to take her out of the coma, and then see if she wanted to keep living or if she had given up.
Bonnie realized she was waiting on her when the doctors who operated her told her that. She felt like in a limbo, she couldn't let herself feel anything or everything there would be would be pain and she knew she needed to talk to her mom to be able to move on. Her friends tried to call, they went to her house and she didn't open the door and Damon's text were getting more frantic every hour (Bonnie just open your damn door!).
She was losing everyone because she was too scared of losing herself if she let them in.
-Here you are- said a feminine voice to her, taking her out of her thoughts, but boy wasn't she prepared for it.
Lexi, Caroline and Stefan were in front of her, on her launch break, looking at her with many questions in their eyes.
-Bonnie… are you okay?- asked Stefan moving slowly towards her, like being careful around a wild animal, and he didn't know it but she felt kind of like a wild animal, thinking about her fastest and better shots at finding an easy exit.
-Yes- she whispered without making eye contact with either of them, she knew the look on their faces all too well, she knew she looked like shit. She hadn't care about her appearance for a while and she hadn't really ate anything in a few days. She was trying to eat, buying salads on the cafeteria like the one in front of her, but she could never take more than one bite.
-You don't look okay- said Lexi, earning a pointed look from the couple- What? It's the truth.
-You can't just say that- whispered Caroline, she loved her friend, but she wasn't as secretive as she thought.
-I'm fine. You guys can just go. I've just been busy.
-Then why aren't you even texting back?
-Because I'm tired, Caroline. I work hard, sometimes twenty hours and I don't have time to talk about anyone's outfit- she snapped. She knew it was a low blow, taking that Caroline sometime's talked about that on her job, but she also wanted for them to leave before the dam opened and she couldn't keep doing her job.
-And Damon?- snapped Caroline back- don't you have time to talk to the one guy you've been in love with since you were a teenager?
-Caroline, this is my job. I'd thank you if you could not talk about my personal life- she said standing up with her salad.
-Bonnie, please. Stop. What's wrong?- Stefan was in front of her and she couldn't really move for a few minutes, she wanted to wrap her arms around him and tell him everything, he was so good at soothing people. But she also knew that she didn't want to cause a scene on the hospital and she already was.
-Nothing, Stefan. Why don't you just go? I have stuff to do.
She walked past him and went to throw her salad to the trash before going back into ER.
-Bonnie, I'm your best friend. Please tell me what's wrong- pleaded Caroline before she could leave their vicinity.
She looked at her eyes for the first time since they arrived, she could see how worried she was, the desperation in her eyes. She could see herself there as well, empty, a shell of the girl she was not more than a week ago.
-I can't Caroline- she finally whispered, giving up.- You need to leave me alone.
-But we're your friends…
-And I don't want you here. Isn't it obvious from me not picking up the phone? I don't want to tell you about it. Not you, not Damon, not anyone- she interrupted letting her anger take over before the sadness invading her could- leave me the fuck alone.
She walked faster to ER, trying to not cry while doing so and not looking back at the people who were there worried about her. She knew they meant well, she knew that she needed them as well but she also knew that it was too much, she knew that this had the potential to break her forever and she couldn't let that happen.
So she kept walking but without an aim, she didn't have to go back to work, she still had twenty minutes left and she was still angry and sad, but mostly angry. She was angry because her life was going so well and she had to come and ruin everything.
She didn't realize when she entered ICU and walked right into her mother's room.
-Why? Why couldn't you just stay away from me? Why did you have to come back and ruin everything I've worked so hard for?- she spitted toward her mother, the woman she couldn't even recognize anymore. She didn't know anything about that woman, she was just someone who gave birth to her and left her when things got hard- Why did you leave on the first place? Was I too much of a burden? Didn't you think we could go through it together? Of course not, it was so much easier to forget you had a daughter and just run away and start over.
She started pacing, fast, there was just too much inside of her, the darkness taking over in a way it never did before.
Because she had Damon before, he was there for her when her own mother left her and he made her feel like she was a valuable person. She had Caroline, who helped her overcome the feelings of inadequacy, of being left behind by a parent. She had Stefan, who could always find a way to soothe her.
This time she had no one, because she couldn't let them see how fucked up she was in spite of their efforts. She had tried so hard for them not to see how it changed her, how it made her wary and fretful.
Her mother leaving her was always something she said like it was just something that happened, that sucked, but that she got over. Obviously, it was a big lie.
She lied even to herself, making herself believe that her Grams love and the help from her friends were just enough, that she didn't need anything else, but now, looking at her and feeling rejected again she knew that was a big fat lie.
She thought that the only times when her trauma bled out was when she was around Damon, that's why she was so mad at him but know she had realized that all of her relationships were stained by it.
She couldn't be totally honest with Caroline because she didn't want to seem weak, because she was a pushover, because she wanted to never be left behind again. She tried so hard not to bother Stefan with her issues, even though he was more than happy to help her navigate them. But she didn't want to depend on him, she wanted to be able to get through it without someone anchoring her.
But that was a load of bullshit and she knew that now, she did depend on her friends to not go over the edge, she did depend on her Grams, on Enzo, on her studies, on anything and everything that could make her feel like she was valuable and not a burden.
Damon was the worst of all because he could always see right through her, he never pushed too hard and he let her come to terms with her own issues when she could. He was her rock and her anchor for so long that when she didn't have him she started making awful decisions, being more guarded and trying to never give anyone a reason to leave her again.
And seeing him would only remind him of how she wasn't as okay as she tried to make everyone believe. Fighting him was the most suitable response, because she was so angry with him, she wanted to hurt him the way he hurt her.
And now they were together and things were finally falling into place, but her mother coming back into her life launched her into a state that she couldn't believe she ended up on. She was numb, not eating and just getting by. She was worse than when it first happened and she knew it was her own damn fault because this time she pushed everyone away.
And she knew why she did it, because they didn't really help fix her heart before, they were a distraction. Their love for her didn't mend her heart, it only put patches on it, ones that could be very easily removed.
Damon's love helped and she let herself be convinced that this was what took to actually mend her heart, that having him again could anchor her as it did back then and that she would be okay again. But it was a lie, the damage was done and she was as devastated by her mother leaving as she was when he left her and that was something that you can't just gloss over.
Having him back made her happy again, but it didn't erase the years of feeling like no one could ever love her, that Enzo was as good as she'd ever have it and that she was hard to love, because not even her mother loved her enough to stay or to take her along. Why would anyone else love her the way Caroline and Stefan loved each other?
She had finally let those feelings go, she was begging to accept that Damon loved her the way she loved him, that even though she was hard to love he could take it and that they could be happy, but now all she could think of was: but how long? How long before he realizes I'm not what he wanted and he leaves again and break her heart once and for all. How long until her friends start to make their life away from her? Have kids and forget about ever spending time with her? How long until she became unbearable even for them?
She started trembling, her throat closing, she couldn't keep it in anymore. Tears started streaming down her face and she fell to her knees without realizing. She started gasping for air, but it was too hard, it was leaving her lungs too soon and her crying started to be more desperate and before she realized it she was crying out loud and nurses and doctors came to her and tried to stabilize her.
She couldn't calm down, she started crying harder and screaming how she couldn't breath.
-Panic attack!- screamed someone, she didn't know who and suddenly she felt a needle somewhere in her body and her screams grew softer.
-How long?- she asked before everything went black.
Hi guys! I'm so sorry for taking so long to update, you should know that I'm from Chile and the crisis and the whole revolution took a front seat on my mind for far too long. I'm not going to classes because of it and it felt wrong to do anything that wasn't related to the social movement. It's been a month and a week since it started and I just realized that it's going to take much longer for it to finish, so I decided I could leave my mind do something other than focuse on the police brutality and the scams the goverment and the police are making. Social media and cameras have been the best for this era in out country, we can see proof of them doing stuff they're blaming on the people roaming the streets.
Of course there's been bad stuff happening, theft and looting. It was to be expected and it's a sad part of any revolution but there's always violence that comes with any change and I'm just trying to keep going and not let that blind my judgement about the movement, we're doing this because we want dignity, we want a better health service, a better education, a better pension system.
Anyway, I'm sorry for the tangent. That's just the only topic on my mind and everyone's mind lately. I have tried to not focus that much on it these last few days, because I started getting angry and sad and I realized I needed a break, so here it is. My break was me writing this, can you teel I've been in a grim mood? lol
It's not like I just decided it was going to be a sad thing right now, I was planning on having this happen, so we can have a healed Bonnie by the end of the fic, I wanted for her to be able to actually move past it and not just bury it beneath and act like it didn't happen. I wanted for her to forgive herself, because many kids who were left leave thinking it was their fault.
The next chapter will be the final one and I've been thinking about making an epilogue from Damon's POV. Let me know how you feel about that, I was thinking about making the next chapter his POV because there's a scene I really want to write like that, but I think that it would be better if I just put that on the Epiloge, so that would probably be the ending from Damon's POV and maybe something more from their future.
Okay, I'll leave now so you can finally read this, I'm sorry it's too short, but I'm already working on the final one so that'll probably be up this week, next one if things don't go as expected but it shouldn't.