XVIII. Much more than her mother's daughter.
She woke up because the light was too bright. She could recognize the smell, and she knew where she was before she even opened her eyes: she was in the hospital.
She opened her eyes with a lot of effort, she could feel her mouth dry and her face scrunching to try to see through the blinding light.
She had always imagined what it would be like to wake up on the other side of the bed in the hospital, she thought that having Caroline as her emergency number she would be the first there, worried sick about her with her husband by her side, because Stefan was the kind of friend who always showed up.
But they weren't there. She was alone, because she had asked them to leave her alone and they had.
Which sucked. She felt a little bit dizzy and tired, much more tired than she had in the last few months. She saw that her arm was pierced by a needle, giving her hydrating solution, probably because she had cried so much, on top of not really caring about herself in days.
So this is what rock bottom felt like.
She didn't know if she had to call a nurse, or she did but she didn't really want to. She knew she had made a scene and that a lot of her colleagues had seen her at her worst and they had probably assumed that she had a panic attack because her mom was dying and not because her mom had left her and come back and she never heard a single word from her.
She started crying again, this time letting herself to do so, there was no going back now and she could let herself feel all the darkness she had so strongly fought before.
And she cried not only because she was left by the person who was supposed to love her most, not only because that had left a permanent mark in her and the way she saw the world but by how stupidly she had handled her comeback.
Her mother hadn't said a single world to her and she had crumbled down easier than a house of cards. She stared at her whole life and watched how the abandonment stains covered it all.
The way she carried herself, her relationships, the way she lived her life. It was all a result of her mother leaving her when she was a kid. And that realization made her cry even harder, because she thought she had handled it so well, she thought she was making Grams proud, but really she was probably looking down on her disappointed and distressed.
Bonnie must've been crying for at least half an hour when a nurse came by. She looked at her with pity, making her want to bury herself on the bed and disappear right then and there. She checked her vitals and told her she needed to have some water and to rest.
She was also told that the doctor prohibited visitors, probably because she could see how lonely and scared she was feeling.
She thought that because the light was so bright and her mind was still racing she wouldn't be able to sleep, but after another wave of crying she finally fell asleep an hour later.
The next day she was woken up by a scream.
-Bonnie!- someone jumped on top of her before she could even open her eyes fully and now all she could see was blonde hair.
-Care?- she croaked.
-I'm so sorry- she whispered still hugging her, she could feel the tears on her shoulders and she could also hear her little gaps for air. Why was she crying?
-Why? I'm the one who fucked up- whispered Bonnie with a raspy voice. Caroline finally let her go and she could see around her and as she had predicted before, Stefan was right behind her.
-But I should've checked up on you sooner.
-We didn't know, Care- whispered Stefan behind her. He still looked at her like a wild animal, but Bonnie was still too tired to think about running this time.
-I'm sorry, guys- she whispered, finally realizing that she couldn't carry this one on her own and that she needed her friends.
-Why didn't you tell us, Bonnie?
-Because I knew that when I finally came to terms with it something like…this would happen- she said gesturing to herself in the stretcher.
She couldn't stop the tears from coming and she was too tired to try anyway, she had already broken down, there was no use in keeping it in anymore, not even in front of other people.
They were about to say something when a doctor came to the room, it was one of her favorite ones, Shauna.
-Bonnie Bennet. You should be on this side of the room, not the other way around.
-I'm sorry. I shouldn't have…
-Worked- she interrupted- you shouldn't be working when you're that psychologically stressed. Your friends told us why you reacted that way and you should've told us sooner.
-I'm sorry- she knew she was repeating herself but there wasn't anything she could say other than that, really.
She vaguely recognized that they knew why she was there, she didn't have to tell them.
-We're keeping you here until tomorrow, so we can put some food into you gradually, you have lost too much weight in a week and you were severely dehydrated. Probably because you hadn't drank water and you cried too much.
-Yeah…
-Also we're giving you a psychological license and we have a good psychologist in the building, you should pay her visit.
Everyone was silent after that, it was an awkward conversation to have in front of her friends.
-I didn't know I was that far off that I needed therapy.
-Honey, you don't have to be "that far off" to go to therapy. It's a good thing and we all should go to therapy to be better versions of ourselves. It's not something to be ashamed of and I strongly suggest you to go because, I'm sorry, but you're that far off now. You had a panic attack on the ICU, we couldn't calm you down so we had to sedate you, because we couldn't disrupt the other patients.
Bonnie didn't know what to say. She had been trying to hold onto her numbness not to cause a scene and that's what ended up being the issue.
-Okay. I'll go- she whispered looking at her hands.
-Thank you. I'll leave you to your friends and please, take better care of yourself once you're checked out.
Bonnie nodded and the other woman squeezed her hand before leaving the room.
-I went to therapy, it's not that bad- said Stefan shrugging.
-When?
-When my parents died. Ric and Jo asked us if we wanted to and I said yes. Of course Damon said no.
The mention of his name made her heart ache. He had been nothing but good to her and she had push him so far away that she wasn't sure he even wanted her anymore. Stefan seemed to notice because he smiled sadly to her.
-He hates me, doesn't he?- she asked, dreading the answer.
-He was about to take a plane to come here when I told him about the panic attack and your mom being here. I convinced him not to because he had a huge problem with his company and he couldn't just leave it be. – he sighed- He still loves you Bonnie, but he's pissed.
-Of course he is. I was an asshole. I disappeared out of nowhere and I left you all behind because that meant breaking and I wasn't strong enough.
-Bonnie, you're stronger than you realize, hon. And please don't let your mom being back destroy your life. She's not worth it.
-Don't you get it Care? I destroyed it because it felt fake. Because I had lied to myself saying I was over it and that it didn't matter to me and it still hurts like nothing ever will. Because I have been shaped by it in the worst way possible.
-Bonnie stop that! You pulled through that like a boss. You could've let it make you bitter and depressed and maybe even end up doing drugs and never accomplishing what you did with your life.
She knew her friend was kind of jokingly giving her the worst scenario possible in her head to make her feel better and that made some on the anger go away, because she cared.
-My Grams would've never let me do drugs- whispered Bonnie wiping away her tears with a little smile.
-Me neither, my mom's a cop and I've always been terrified of her catching me doing something illegal.
They laughed a bit sadly, but Stefan took Bonnie's hand tight and made her look at him.
-You can't do that again, Bonnie. You had us really worried.
-I know. I was being an idiot. You don't deserve that.
-Bonnie you don't deserve to carry it all with you. Stop acting like we're making you a favor by being your friends, you're there for us all the time but something like this happens and you try to bear it all and let it consume you this way? That's not healthy.
-It felt like the only thing I could do. I knew it would wreck me and I wanted to delay it.
-You can't delay feelings, hon- whispered Caroline.
But she had and now they were all hitting her like crazy, she was exhausted and she felt like crying for hours. She ended up doing that, with Caroline and Stefan crying with her, listening to her fears and trying to console her and give her strength again. It was hard but it wasn't as crushing as it had been before.
But one thing remained the same, every mention of Damon made her cry harder, she had really fucked things up and she didn't deserve to be with him, plain and simple.
But she wanted to, so much.
Bonnie spent a day on the hospital with her friends by her side. She also asked for an appointment with the psychologist and she took her in that same day, something about someone cancelling last minute and her being lucky. If only she knew.
The appointment was weird at first, she didn't know what to do or how to talk to the woman in front of her, but she was patient and she helped her through the first tries.
She asked her about her fears, which helped her open up and she ended up telling her about how her life was forever changed and she didn't even knew if she was who she had showed the world all these years and the woman said she should find herself before anything else.
She reaffirmed her that she wasn't worthless and that it's normal for a trauma that hadn't been dealt with for more than a decade to culminate in panic attacks and intrusive thoughts.
It ended up being really helpful and after the hour was done she finally felt less heavy and she scheduled another appointment for the next week. She also made a decision, she needed to talk to Damon face to face. There was so much she needed to let him know that she couldn't text or say on the phone, so she bought a plane ticket and asked Stefan for the address.
-Are you sure you can get there alone? I can go with you- offered Caroline while helping her with her suitcase, she was still a little bit too weak to lift it.
-Care, you don't need to travel with me. It's okay. I'll eat a protein bar before claiming my luggage, so I don't fall on my ass.
-You'll still fall, you're too weak.
-That's why I don't want to take that many clothes with me and you still put more and more.
-Because you could need it. You've never been to New York, maybe Damon will take you to cute places and you'll need cute dresses.
-Care, we need to talk first. I still don't know if he's forgiven me.
-You know he will.
-No, I don't. He may think I'm too crazy for him. I might've fucked everything up. That's why I'm going.
-He loves you, Bon.
-And I do too and I still did something shitty. It's not about love, Care. This is deeper and we need to talk a lot. He needs to know what he's getting himself into, for real this time.
-Don't be so hard on yourself Bonnie. You're amazing, you need to understand that.
She just smiled, she needed to believe that but it was weird. Now, after her breakdown and her first psychology appointment she understood that she wasn't the worst person in the world and also because the panic attack and the intrusive thoughts left her, she knew she had value and that she wasn't damaged goods.
She was a person, with good and bad traits and she needed to be kinder with herself. She also needed closure with her mom, she had to talk to her once she woke up and she knew that she couldn't keep living her life on pause until the woman would finally open her eyes.
So Caroline took her to the airport and helped her with her suitcase and made her eat two protein bars. Stefan had to work but he had promised he'd be the one picking her up when she came back. She didn't really know when she was coming back, she didn't know how long Damon wanted her there and she hadn't bought a ticket back.
She only knew she had to be back for her second therapy session.
She hugged Caroline and got into the plane. She had a seat in the aisle and tried not to freak out the entire time. She didn't know how Damon would react, she asked Stefan not to tell him she was going, but to tell him he was receiving a package so that he'd be home by the time she'd be there.
She had only texted him an I'm sorry. He hadn't responded and she couldn't blame him. She had not only set back into her old ways but had gone too deep and did something she had never really done before. She isolated herself and pushed everyone away when none of them were to blame.
But she should've at least responded something to him. She owed him that much, after all they were planning on living together in a couple of months. She didn't know what she was going to say to him, but she knew it needed to be in person.
After a painfully long flight she could finally get off the plane, she went to check out her suitcase and that's when it hit her, she was in this crazy busy airport because she was in New York. For the very first time in her life, she had come to the place she had dreamt of coming to eight years ago.
She took her suitcase to the street, feeling extremely tired, but also trying not to convey it on her face because she knew that the big apple could be dangerous. She found a line of people waiting for taxis and took one after twenty minutes. She told the driver the address she had memorize beforehand, to make it look like she knew where she was going.
She couldn't keep her act much longer, thought. She had to look out the window and see the amazing, crazy, busy and smelly city she had just landed on. She had to close the windows, though, because the smell was just too much.
She could feel her chest loosening up, after more than a week with it feeling so tight she had thought something broke in there. But she could herself feeling hope again, feeling like she had made the right choice.
Damon's apartment was on a very busy and chic street. Of course he was living on an expensive place. She paid the taxi and ringed the apartment number Stefan had given her. He didn't even talked to her, he just let her in, probably thinking it was the package.
She knew she shouldn't be feeling like this, eager and almost giddy. She needed to have a real conversation she was actually dreading but she couldn't help but to feel these things, because she loved that man and she hadn't seen him a long time.
She took the elevator and as soon as she got out she could see Damon standing on his door. He froze as soon as he recognized her and she had to remember herself she needed to walk towards him despite her fear before the elevator's doors would close.
He didn't move until she was in front of him, he was studying her, wary. He wasn't looking at her the way Stefan did, but it was kind of close. He seemed to think that she was going to disappear at any second and she couldn't blame him for it.
-Hi- she whispered trying to get him to react and when that didn't work she tried to elevate the mood- I finally made it to New York.
That made him move his brows, but nothing much happened on the rest of his face and his eyes were still cautious.
-I thought you didn't want to talk to me- he finally let out.
-I didn't. But I do now… unless you don't- she started squirming under his gaze, she couldn't help it. She hadn't thought it would be this awkward but to be fair she hadn't really thought about how this was going to go.
-I don't know. You're taking me by surprise.
-I didn't want you to be anxious. I felt like just coming was a better idea, but maybe I was wrong.
She could see now from up close how depressed he looked. His dark circles contrasted too much against his now paler skin. It seemed like he hadn't eaten much, either. He looked as bad as she did and that only made her heart clench.
Her eyes started watering, she could feel it, but she couldn't stop it. After her panic attack, crying came easily and she had no strength to make it go away.
-Do you want to come in?- he offered, his eyes worried and she could see that her stupid crying made him do that.
-Not unless you do. I can go to a hotel and wait until you're ready.
-You're not a millionaire, Bonnie, this street's expensive. Just come in.
He moved so she could follow his lead and her breath started getting faster, not only because carrying her suitcase was extenuating now, but because she was incredibly nervous that this went badly.
His place was much neater than she thought it would be. He wasn't untidy but she thought that living on his own would be different than spending time with her at her house.
She sat on the couch that was in front of a huge window looking at the city and let the awkward moment give her bravery to do what she came to do.
-This view is amazing. I would be sad to let it go.
-I am.
-Maybe you shouldn't let it go.
She finally looked at him, she could see how betrayed he felt and she wanted nothing but to erase the pain from his face, but she knew that he needed something better, he deserved someone whole and she wasn't that right now.
-Are you telling me that you came all the way to New York to break up with me?
-I'm telling you that you deserve more than this- she said pointing at herself- you deserve someone who's not broken. Someone who will be there for you even though they're going through something shitty.
-So you'll stay the same your whole life?- he ask rising his voice, she could see that the hurt had let way to the anger.
-No. I'm going to therapy and I'm taking some time off to heal. I can't possibly ask you to be there for me while I do so. I'm a mess, Damon. You deserve so much more.
-Stop making decisions for me, Bonnie. I want to be with you, I want to fucking help you heal, the same way you think you would've helped me when I went through a shitty phase. The same way we helped each other through our parents dying.
-It wasn't enough, Damon! I thought that it was but it only made me feel like I needed you and Care and Stefan to feel validated. I need to learn to value myself without you.
-And I can't be with you while you learn that? Do you really think that you have to isolate yourself to heal from abandonment? How does that work according to you?
They were almost screaming and she felt like a lot of her hidden anger was finally out there, on the world. She also couldn't come up with an answer for Damon's question.
-I don't know… but it's just.-
-It's what?
-It feels like that's what I should do.
-Do you think your mom thought the same way? That she needed to heal alone and that's why she pushed everyone she loved away?
She could feel the tears coming, rapidly. Damon had hit her in a soft spot and he knew it, but it was also true. She was doing the same her mother had done, walking away from everyone who cared about her and who she cared for. But she didn't want it to be true.
-It's not the same.
-How, Bonnie? She had a loving family, she lost your dad and then pushed everyone away and ran away to start over because she couldn't deal with what had happened.
-She ran away because she didn't love me enough, Damon. I'm trying to let you go so that you can move on to something better.
-I don't want something better, Bonnie. There's nothing better for me than you, even as messed up as you are, I'm messed up as well and you still love me. Why is it so hard to believe that I feel the same?
-Because I hurt you.
-And I hurt you and you're still here. And you know that's bullshit, right?
-What?
-That she didn't love you enough. She would pick you up every day, you would always have a great meal and you told me that she was the one to usually read you books at night. That's why you got so obsessed with Harry Potter.
-I…
-Maybe she thought she was too broken too and you needed someone better. She maybe thought Grams was better.
-You don't know that!
-Neither do you, Bonnie. You just assume the worst because it's easier to bury yourself in self-pity than to actually do some growing up.- he was mad, she knew it and he had every right to be, but it still hurt that he could be so merciless with her. In the back of her head she heard a little voice telling her that maybe that's exactly what she needed- I know because that's exactly what I did for too many years, Bonnie. I don't want you to go down that path anymore.
He finally sit by her side, looking at her with love for the first time since she got to this city. He wiped her tears and shed one of his own, while still looking firmly into her eyes, waiting for her to react. She didn't know for how long she had been crying but it felt like forever, when she finally let her hand rest on top of his.
-I'm so sorry- she said before finally breaking down and sobbing in front of him. He rapidly wrapped his arms around her and let his hand stroke her back gently, while she let out all of her regrets in the form of tears. She was suddenly too aware of him, of his arms and his lips on top of her head. She knew that she loved him too much and that he deserved for her to be better.
He deserved someone that tried to be better instead of pushing him away. She was doing it again, without even realizing it, because she was so afraid that he might leave her.
-It's okay, Bonnie. Just breath.
-Please don't leave me again. I keep doing this, keeping you away because I'm so scared you're gonna leave me again.- she wept, finally breaking down.
-Bonnie- he said in his most serious voice, if she wasn't so broken she'd realize it was kind of funny- look at me,- she finally let herself look into his eyes and she could see how determined he was- I will not abandon you. I'm not planning on letting you go again, because you are the love of my life and even if it's hard right now, I know it's worth it. You're worth it, Bonnie Bennet.
-I love you so much, Damon- she said before finally kissing him again. It was messy, needy and she could taste the salt from her tears, but he didn't let her go and kissed her with as much passion and desperation as she did. She had to break from the kiss because she couldn't breath through her stuffed nose and he smiled and went somewhere to get her some tissues.
-Here you go, baby- he said easily and she couldn't help but to truly smile for the first time in what felt like forever.
-Thank you, babe- she replied shyly before using the tissues and she could see his radiant smile, making her feel butterflies. How could he do that? How could she feel so alive all of the sudden just because he said some pretty words and smiled at her.
He pulled her head to his lap, so she could rest her head there, while he stroked her hair. He had one of the most beautiful views in the city and he still looked at her like she was the most beautiful thing in the world and something inside of her fixed. She didn't know what mended but she could feel it. She knew that, if someone could see all of her flaws and shitty defense mechanisms, and still look at her that way, then she mustn't be that bad, could she?
And if a guy as amazing and handsome as Damon did, maybe there was some truth to her being better than she gave herself credit for. She could finally breathe easier and she felt so tired, but she didn't want to keep her eyes from seeing him, she had missed him so much.
-You seem tired, you should sleep.
-No, I'm just weak. I'm the idiot that hasn't eaten or drank water in days.
-Okay. Then I'll get you some water and then we'll order take out.
-We don't have to, Damon- she said smiling. Still enraptured in the way he looked at her, even after all of this.
-Of course we do. There's no reconciliation without sex and I'm not making a move while you look like you're going to pass out. So stuffing you with food it is.
She laughed a bit, Damon was always like this, making her laugh with his dirty humor, and she loved it.
-I just want to close my eyes for a bit, can I?
-After you drink a glass of water, you just cried a lot, Bon-bon.
-Okay- he stood up and brought her water while she cleaned her nose again.
He put them on the same position after she drank her glass of water and started caressing her face and hair once more, making her relax enough to stop thinking and just let herself go.
·······Damon's POV··········
She was in so much pain, he could see it now. Bonnie had always had a mask on, a happy, snarky one. She was witty and used to get away with talking herself out of interrogations about her true feelings. She had learned to do that since they were kids, and she had told him once that he had told her how to do it.
He hated that, because that meant that she was hurting as much as he was.
She was as broken as he was and he hated the idea of her being that sad. She was far too beautiful and young and bright to be faking her happiness, so when they were kids he always tried to make her laugh, that was his goal. Make her laugh until she cried happy tears, somehow, he felt like he was keeping score with the sad ones.
But he fucked up and ended up breaking her heart the same way someone already did. He betrayed her trust and did the exact same thing that tinted her eyes sad when they were kids and he hated that he never saw that. That he let his own sadness and brokenness eat away at him and face her with anger instead of regret.
He hated that he wasted so many years letting his own issues cloud the way he saw her, because he knew deep down that she was the only girl he ever truly loved. He needed her laugh to feel good about the world, her smile to brighten up the day. Her kind hands to melt away his worries and sorrows.
She used to be everything that was good in his world and he went and twisted her light. She moved on her sleep and he caressed her cheek. He made her a promise. He was helping her take her light back, whatever it took.
So when she woke up, thirty minutes later he had already thought about all the places he wanted to show her. He wanted her to learn to enjoy life again.
-Want some Chinese?- he asked as soon as she opened her eyes and her stomach responded for her- Chinese it is.
She smiled a little embarrassed and he called a place he loved and knew she would too. He knew what she'd like, having discussed this before, what seemed like years before. He was always asking her to come to New York just to taste the food.
-You're finally getting me to try it- she said once he hung up.
-I finally have you here.
She smiled, radiant and his breath was caught on his lungs for a bit, he was so far gone for this girl. How could she not see it?
-I'm sorry I was too much of a mess to come before.
-Bon, you're not a mess. Stop talking about yourself like that.
-I'm sorry
-And stop apologizing. Or I'll have to punish you.
-How? – she asked, suddenly cheeky and he could his blood rushing down south.
-I'll figure out a way. Something we can't do yet, but will definitely before you have to go back. Which is when, by the way?
-Well, I have to be there next week for my therapy, but I have nothing else.
-How long does your medical leave last?
-Three weeks, but they'll reevaluate my case then and decide if I need more time off.
-Okay. How about this? I have to go to work for at least a couple more days, but after that I'm all yours for the rest of the week and we can just go anywhere you want. We can hit the Empire State or the Lady with the torch and then we can go back home together.
-Are you sure you can just go?
-Yes, it's just going to be for a few days, but I'd like to be with you as much as possible. if you want that, obviously.
-Of course I do. I love you- she said like trying to make him understand. He smiled, because even though he knew that in the back of his mind, it was nice to be reminded. It was nice to know that she felt the way he did.
He felt the sudden urge to kiss her and since nothing was stopping him he did, she met him across the way, lifting her head. He put his hand on her head so she didn't have to hurt her neck to kiss him, but she didn't seem to mind. That was Bonnie, always giving a 100% of herself to others without thinking of herself first.
That's how she ended up like this. He wanted to show her how much he loved her and how she didn't need to strain herself for him. That she was enough, but that was hard to convey on a kiss. She sighed in the middle of their kiss and he felt hopeful that she could feel a little bit of the adoration he had for her. The doorbell rang and they were forced to separate, because the food had finally arrived.
-I better get some food in your angry stomach- he joked while walking towards the door.
-It would be thankful- she replied with a smile, making him smile again. God. This woman would be the death of him and he couldn't be happier.
···········
Their week together only helped their bond strengthen and Bonnie was smiling and laughing more than she had in the last year. He was the most amazing and supportive man she'd even been around and when she woke up in the middle of the night with a nightmare he was there to hold her and rock her until she was ready to fall sleep again, this time, feeling loved.
He was being so patient with her that she didn't have a heart to push him away, which worked wonders on their relationship. She could finally feel free and talked to him about her insecurities, her fears and resentments and he did the same, letting her know that he was just as faulted as she was.
The next therapy session went smoothly, she woke up next to Damon and he walked with her to the hospital, letting him comfort her afterwards, when she got out with red eyes and a smile.
-It's everything okay?- he asked.
-It's great. I wasn't as screwed up as I believed, it seems.
-That's wonderful news. Do you want some celebratory pancakes?
She laughed, since they reunited in New York he made up excuse after excuse to make her eat. She knew she looked like shit and had lost a lot of weight, but she seemed to have got most of it back now. He wasn't stopping feeding her, though.
-If you make them, you know I can't say no.- she kissed him, happy, but she knew there was something she needed to do before celebrating- I need to do something first, though.
-What?- he seemed concerned, he could see it in his eyes, he knew what it was.
-I need to see her.
She was still in a coma, according to Caroline, but she was in the building, there was no excuse for her not to go see her mother.
-You don't need to. But if you want to, I'll go with you.
-Thank you- she whispered before kissing him again. She was bad at showing how much she really loved him, she tried with kisses, hugs, words, but it didn't seem like it was enough. He did so much for her and she always felt like she came up short to show him the same. She would keep trying, though, even if it took her their whole lives.
-Anytime.
They walked hand in hand, she couldn't hide her nerves, but she also didn't want to. Damon could see it, he had seen it all already, he wasn't going to back off just because she wasn't brave this time.
-I just… I need to do this on my own.
-Are you sure?
-Yes. I'll be right back.
He kissed her forehead and let her go, with an apprehensive look on his face. He knew how bad things turned out last time, but he also knew that she had improved a lot since then.
She let herself take a deep breath before she came into the room once again. Her mother looked so different. Her wounds had healed and there weren't that many tubes coming out and into her body this time, she must've been improving.
And she didn't know how to feel about it.
She kept her distance, just looking at her across the room hurt, but she wasn't feeling as hopeless as before. She knew that maybe her mother had her reasons and even if she didn't she had someone who loved her for who was completely and he didn't even had to. It wasn't her birthright to be loved by him, the way it should be with her, and he still did. Caroline and Stefan did too and she could tell Lexi cared about her too.
He had people who liked her even though she had her flaws. Her Grams did too, loved her with her whole heart and if that amazing woman did, then she wasn't the burden she used to feel like.
She could finally see her mother clearly as well, a middle-aged woman who had faults and made mistakes, the way she had. And probably if it wasn't because her friends and Damon cared so much, she'd go down the same path her mother did.
No, she wouldn't have left her kid behind, anger started boiling inside of her. She may had left Damon behind but never a kid who relied on her, because as much a mess as she was, she was still a mother. That kid still needed her.
An angry tear fell down her face, but this time it wasn't joined by the sorrow it was the first time, she wasn't gasping for air, screaming at the woman in front of her. Because she was not the boogieman she had made her in her mind. She was just a human, who made mistakes and who hurt her but she couldn't determine the way Bonnie lived her life, not anymore.
She wiped away her tear and walked out feeling stronger that ever and when Damon looked at her with worry in his eyes and just plain love she rushed to him and kissed him hard. She needed to show him how much she loved him, how much this growing up was just because he pushed her to be better. He needed to know.
-Bonnie- he whispered breaking away from her, still worried- are you okay?
-Yes. Everything's okay.
-Good- he said after searching her face and probably seeing that she meant it- pancakes then?
-Pancakes it is.
The day her mother woke up, she got a call from the hospital. She was about to go back to work, her relationships had finally healed and so had herself. Damon was still in New York, trying his best to move back to Mystic Falls, but they kept a steady communication through texts, skype calls and once Damon even decided to send her an old-fashion letter, making her heart flutter and her eyes water. She was happy.
When she hung up she tried to prepare herself for the panic, but it never came. Sure, she was afraid, but not nearly as afraid as she was a month before, when she let herself collapse on the floor of her bedroom in the hospital.
She called Damon, she decided he needed to know that she was going to see her, in case she disappeared for a few hours, she was sure that she wasn't going to be okay after the conversation she was about to have. But she wanted him to know.
He picked up on the third ring.
-Hey, Bon-Bon. How's everything back home?- she smiled, happy that he considered her house his home.
-Everything was okay. I mean, it still is. But it could potentially not be.
-Can you be less cryptic? You're making me nervous.
She liked that Damon was more open to her too now, less witty comebacks and more feelings were thrown between each other later and she thanked her lucky starts that he was in her life and he was as committed.
-They called from the hospital. My mother's awake.
She could only hear silence for a few seconds, and then typing.
-I can be there in two hours.
-Damon, you have a company to run.- she argued, but she could feel relief run down her body because of his offering.
-Bonnie, I want to be with you for this.
-You don't have to. Finish whatever you were doing and then come home, I may need you later. But I can face her alone.
-You don't have to. Caroline would be happy to go with you.
-You're right. I'll ask her if she can drive me, then you could know where I am even if I'm not picking up the phone.
-Why wouldn't you?
-Because I'd be crying, maybe? I don't know. I'm trying to be better, but I have no idea what she's going to say to me. What if she breaks my heart again?
-Then we patch it up with our love. Me specially, but the guys can help. You don't have to shut down again, babe.
-I know. I'm just scared I'll go into that state again.
-But you're doing so great, Bon. You've called me and you're calling Care-bear to take you, which I'm sure she's going to comply with. I'm so proud of you.
Her heart swelled on her chest: he was proud of her. All she was doing was trusting him enough to tell him she was going to talk to her, the worst part wasn't over and he was already proud of her. How could she ever want to walk away from him?
-I love you. You have no idea how much I needed that.
-I love you too. Now call Care. I'll finish this up and I'll see you in four hours, tops.
-Okay. Love you.
-Love you more.
She hung up, knowing that he had no idea how much love she had inside of her for him. He couldn't possibly love her more. She took a deep breath and called her best friend now.
-Hey babe.
-Hey, Care. How are you?
-Great, actually. Stefan's getting out early. We might have a date tonight, thank God.
-Oh.
She debated what to do next. Her friends needed this time for themselves, they deserved it. They worked hard. But she also knew she was thinking about the easy way out again, because it would be so much harder to tell her friend what was actually going on.
-Bonnie, it's everything okay?
She doubted for a second, Caroline knew her well enough and they had worked so hard on being honest with each other, she couldn't screw up now, could she?
-My mother woke up.
-Oh my God, honey, are you okay? Is there anything I can do?
-I was about to ask you to drive me to the hospital, but…
-No buts, I'm coming right now. And I'm waiting outside the room for you, not just driving you. I can't believe you didn't lead with that.
She could listen to her fumble, the keys sound and she couldn't help but to feel guilty.
-I'm sorry I screwed up your date.
-Bonnie! We've had plenty and we will again, this is not something that happens every day, so stop being such a fool. I'm going to pick you up right now. Be there in ten.
Before she could respond, Caroline had already hung up. She pictured she was going to call Stefan to tell him, she knew that's how they worked.
It felt nice, to have a constant in her life, a united front she could rely on. She hadn't had that since her Grams died. I mean, she knew that they were there for her, but she never really tried to reach them. It felt nice to do it.
She changed her clothes, she was wearing sweatpants and a shirt with no bra underneath and she knew that she didn't want her mother to see her like that for the first time since she left, so she put on some jeans and a nice shirt. She felt like maybe she needed some make-up but that seemed silly.
Caroline finally arrived, knocking on her door decidedly. She walked quickly, realizing that she was closer to see the woman that caused so much pain in her life, but she had someone to lean on now.
She opened the door and not only Caroline was there, but also Stefan.
-Hi, Bon- he said smiling, while his wife threw herself to Bonnie's arms.- Care told me and I asked her to pick me up so we could come together.- he responded before she could even ask.
-How are you, sweetie?- she asked holding her tight.
-Not as bad as I thought I would. I'm, still processing I guess. Thank you for being with me, both of you- she said offering her hand to Stefan, so he could squeeze it.
-Anytime- they said at the same time.
They walked in silence, holding her hands towards the car and when they finally got on the car, Bonnie could feel her heart start racing.
-You don't have to do this if you don't want to yet- said Stefan, looking at her through the rearview mirror.
-I feel like I have to.
-But you don't.
-I know. But I wouldn't be able to think about anything else.
He nodded in agreement. He knew that if she could scape she would but it was time for her to face her mother.
-If you need to get out of there, you can anytime. You don't owe her anything, even if you just see her and say hi and that's enough for you, so be it. We'll drive you back home and wait for Damon with you.
-Thank you.
So they had communicated with him as well. Of course he called to make sure they were with her, something warm helped to loosen up her tight chest for a few seconds.
They got to the hospital and they walked with her again, determined faces and their hands on her shoulders, reassuring her, giving her strength and just that was enough to make her cry, so she let herself shed a few tears.
-Bonnie…- said Caroline starting to panic.
-It's okay. These are happy tears, because I have you and that's just… thank you- she said before hugging her best friend. She held her tight and she could feel her spilling some tears of her own.
-You're so strong, Bonnie.
-I'm not, but you make me feel like I got this.
-We're here, remember that in there- said Stefan before giving her a hug of his own.
Bonnie took a deep breath before breaking apart from him and waking towards the door separating her from her mother.
Her heart racing and her hand shaking, she finally took the knob on her palm and twisted it so she could face her past.
The woman in there looked tired, pale and void of feelings. Her eyes were on the window, looking at the three outside without expression on her face, probably thinking that she was just another nurse. But she wasn't and she wasn't prepared to talk yet, so she cleared her throat, making the woman turn her head towards her.
Her eyes kept being empty for a few seconds, but suddenly they lit up with recognition, surprise and… fear?
-Bonnie?- she asked with a hoarse voice, but indistinctively hers. Bonnie nodded, still too shaken up to speak and her mother covered her mouth with her hands, gasping.
Bonnie started to squirm a little under her gaze, she was not used to be looked at in that way. She wasn't sure what way it was, but it was still unnerving.
-What are you doing here?- she finally asked, perhaps colder that she wished to.
-I came to see you.
She had wondered if that was the answer, but she didn't want to put her hopes up.
-Why?
-Because you're my daughter.
-I was your daughter when you left me fourteen years ago too. Didn't seem to stop you.
She fell silent, tore her eyes away from her frame and Bonnie could finally breathe again. Her mother's eyes were once again on the window, but this time they seemed saddened.
-I felt like I had no choice…- they felt silent once more and Bonnie didn't feel like breaking it, so her mother did- I knew your Grams was better fitted at taking care of you. Losing your dad… it broke me.
-So you decided to walk out on your daughter, to break her.
-I did that because I thought it was for the best
-How?- she asked, almost screaming, finally walking closer to the stretcher- How is letting a little girl grow up without her parents the better choice? How is it that you thought that it was okay for me to lose you too?
She didn't realize she was crying, but she definitely was. Same as her mother. Abby let her tears run free, shameless, while Bonnie wiped them furiously.
-I was nothing without your father. Everything reminded me of him. Your eyes, your Grams' smile. Our bed. I couldn't… I was falling apart. And you were just a kid, you deserved to be raised by someone who was more than the shell of a person, you deserved someone whole.
So Damon was right. She was her mother's daughter. She used the same mechanisms she did. She felt like kicking herself for that.
-And that meant not even calling me again? It meant having a new family as well?
-How do you know that?
-Because I looked for you. Because I needed my mother- she confessed, voice breaking as her face broke as well. She couldn't keep being angry, she was sad, so sad.
-Baby…
-Don't. You left me and you decided to marry someone else and be someone else's mother. You broke my heart.
-You just deserved better than me, Bonnie.
-I deserved a reason! I deserve to not feel like shit because I wasn't enough for my mother to stick around. – she started the rant screaming, but she didn't feel like fighting anymore, all she could feel was sadness now- I deserved for my mother to stay- she whispered before wiping away her tears.
-I'm sorry- she said as Bonnie walked out of the room, she couldn't take it anymore.
It was all excuses, she just wasn't strong enough and she just left her daughter to start over. She had spent so long dreading the day she'd see her again and she'd tell her that she wasn't enough, but this was way worse. This meant that everything that weighed her down was a lie.
She was good enough, it was her mother the one that wasn't strong enough.
Caroline and Stefan both stood up the second they saw her, enveloping her in their arms, probably having heard everything. She didn't mind, they knew everything already.
-Would you like to go home now?
-Yes- she whispered looking at the ground.
Damon arrived two hours and a half later, Stefan went to pick him up at the airport and Caroline stayed with her.
-Did she really gave you no reason for leaving other than being broken?
-Yep.
-What's wrong with her? My mom was broken as well but she stayed. Your Grams too, her son had just died and she pulled through.
-I know you're mad on my account, Care, but this just makes me feel bad.
-What? Why?
-Because that's what I did when she came back to town. I ran away from you because I felt like I wasn't enough and I almost ran away from the love of my life because of the fear of being broken.
-But you came around
-But I did nevertheless. I'm just like her.
-No, you're not. You're so much more, Bonnie. You're so much stronger than she is. Maybe you did react the way she did but you couldn't keep it up because you're not her.
Bonnie hugged her friend for the hundredth time that day, because she needed to and because that was exactly what she needed to hear.
-I can't thank God enough for putting you in my life.
-I love you, Bonnie. Please don't forget that.
She smiled and her best friend smiled back before someone came knocking the door. Bonnie went to get it because she knew who it was and she was itching to be wrapped up into his arms.
She opened the door and swiftly he came in and swooped her up her feet, rocking her while holding her tight on his chest. She felt better instantly.
-Hi, Bon-bon
-Hi baby- she whispered nuzzling onto his chest.
-How are you?
-Much better now.
She heard the door being closed and she remembered they had company.
-Do you guys want us to leave you alone?- asked Stefan joining his wife by the couch.
-No- she said softly, because as much as she wanted to cuddle with Damon she also felt so much better with them all with her- but I do feel like opening up a wine bottle.
-Why not?
Damon smiled at her before kissing her softly and then they spend the next hour remembering how they used to sneak around the Salvatore house to steal wine bottles and then refilling the bottles with anything that would resemble the color of the alcohol they stole.
Bonnie felt her heart finally loosen, with her friends laughing with her and Damon's hand on her own and she knew she'd be able to survive this with them by her side.
Long four months later, Damon had finally moved in with her. They went to the Lake to celebrate with a Polaroid camera and cards. It was her favorite kind of date.
On the way there they talked about everything and anything. How they were doing laundry, how much space he could take in the closet and how he couldn't give the house a full make-over, even if he had the money to.
-I just feel like you're not giving me enough space on the closet.
-You have your own closet on the guest room.
-But it's really tiny.
-Fine, that's the only thing you can renovate.
-Yes!- he said with a smile and Bonnie couldn't help but to smile as well. He was ridiculous and she loved him even more because of it. And she felt guilty for not telling him everything.
-My mom called today.
-She did?
-Yeah… she wants to come visit again… with her family this time.
They had come a long way from the first few times when Bonnie would always leave her in rage and sadness, but this time her mother was fighting to keep her in her life, so she took it with a brave face and kept asking to see Bonnie again.
After many cries and screams, she finally felt like she could forgive her mother and now, maybe, just maybe she could let her be a part of her life.
-Is that something you want?
-I guess? I don't resent them anymore. They're not at fault for my mom leaving and I don't even resent her anymore for it.
-You know that you don't have to have a reason not to want to meet them.
-Yeah… thanks for reminding me.
He took his hand out of the gear lever and took hers to kiss it. She smiled contently, he really knew what to do to make her feel at ease.
-You can tell her you're just not ready.
-Yeah… that's true.
He had helped her so much. He, Care and Stefan had helped her see how she was so much more than her mother's daughter. She was flawed but she also had many good traits and she finally felt like she was good enough, not just for her mom or Damon, but for herself.
When they arrived to the lake, Damon's arms wrapped around her from the back and she finally felt at peace and happy, she felt like the whole world was illuminated in a way it hadn't before and the only way she could describe it was iridescent.
-Everything okay?
She should've known he'd get worried if she was quiet for too long, he was always worrying about her, but instead of bothering her the way it did with Enzo, she could see Damon's worry came from a place of love. He wanted to take every burden away from her, even when he couldn't, he'd always tried and that could only make her love him more.
-I know now why you labelled the picture iridescent.
-You feel it too?- he asked with a smile and walking around to see her face.
-Yeah. It's like there's this dreamy filter on the world.
He laughed, good-natured, making her laugh as well.
-That's one way to put it.- he said before kissing her sweetly and deeply, like he wanted to tell her how much he loved her. Like she didn't already know- Then maybe it's time.
-For what?- she asked while he walked one step away from her and took a box out of his pants- Oh my God.
He dropped to his knee and looked at her with a twinkle in his eyes, far too excited and in love. The same way she was feeling.
-Bonnie Bennet…
-Yes!
-Bonnie, please let me finish.
-Okay.
-I've been wanting to ask you this for a while now…
-YES!
-I have a speech, please let me do this the right way- he insisted, but he wasn't upset, he was beaming.
-Sorry.
-You're my best friend and I'm sorry I lost sight of that when my hurt feelings and immaturity drove me away from you. Those were the worst years of my life, wasted away from you and I don't plan on wasting more time. I love you Bonnie, so fucking much. You're everything to me and I can't wait to start waking up next to you for the rest of my life. Will you please marry me?
-YES!- she screamed again before tackling him in the sand, kissing him with everything she had.
He pulled away and laughed, kissing all over her face, repeating how much he loved her before putting the ring on her finger.
She loved it. It was perfect for her, not too big, but it had little black diamonds around the central white one. She could hear him seeing it and thinking how witchy it was.
She laughed again, feeling like never before in her life. So happy, so elated to have experienced this kind of moment at least once in her life, but knowing she was spending it with Damon she was sure that it was going to be a full life of iridescence.
Yes. I'm the worst person there is. I promised the ending would be here four months ago and there are really no excuses, it was just writer's block. Also everything that's happening around me. Schockingly, the revolution in my country took away my will to write but the Coronavirus pandemic has restored it. Weird how this things work.
I wanna thank every single one of you, anyone who ever left a comment and made my day. Thank you for caring about my story, for waiting for me uploading, I'm sorry it took so long. Hopefully it was worth it.
I had forgotten some of the things and I had to go back and read my own stuff, so, yes, I am ashamed. But I hope that this gives you the closure Bonnie needed. It also has some of Damon's thoughts and feelings because I used to think that I'd write an epilogue from his pov, retelling when Bonnie got to New York and maybe some other scenes, but since I knew I wasn't anymore, I decided to put some of this feelings and thoughts in there. I hope you like it!
And since it's been too long, I'll just post it to not make you wait any longer. Thank you again and maybe we'll read each other again some time soon.