Today was a rather calm day in the Black Eagle Ward. Edelgard and Dorothea were relaxing in Dorotheas room, enjoying the break between lunch and afternoon group. Petra, Dorothea's roommate, was visiting with her family. She was a very lucky girl. At least one member of her family came by to visit her every day. Petra's family seemed very supportive of her healing process. Edelgard was a little bit jealous. She had only seen her father a few times since being admitted, understandably so given how sick her father was. Dorothea had not given consent for her parents to visit her, so she never received any visitors.
Right now, Edelgard was trapped out of her room. Bernadetta had locked herself in again. The nurses were trying to convince the small, frantic girl to unlock the door herself, instead of forcing the door open by getting the key. Hopefully opening the door willingly will help establish to Bernadetta that she has the power and strength to confront the kind, quiet nurses. However, she was a stubborn girl, and Edelgard suspected that only Ms. Dr. Eisner would be able to get through to Bernadetta. Until then, the nurses' efforts would be futile. But that was ok, they had time. It was still early afternoon.
Edelgard sat on the bottom bunk, watching Dorothea fold her freshly washed clothing on the floor, humming a jonty show tune. She was folding brightly colored, soft blouses with low necklines. Dorothea's clothing always seemed fashionable to Edelgard. Not that she was proficient with the current fashions, she had been out of the loop on that for many years. The shirts were not anything special; solid color, short sleeves, comfortable. Exactly the kind of shirt you would expect a girl to wear if she was used to living in a mental hospital. Yet, Dorothea somehow managed to look fantastic wearing just about anything.
Suddenly, the humming stopped. "Hey Edie, why do you always wear so much clothing? You are such an attractive girl, but you always cover yourself up."
Edelgard had adopted her own "style" since arriving at Garreg Mach Medical Campus. Every day she wore a tight, turtleneck under a baggy sweatshirt, knee high socks, baggy sweatpants and a pair of knit, fingerless gloves. If anyone else had asked she would have insisted that they were comfortable, nothing more. But this was Dorothea. She was safe to talk to, and would never judge.
"I feel safe dressed like this. Like I'm wearing armor," Edelgard said, not looking at Dorothea.
"Why do you need to protect yourself like that? You know you are safe here right?" Dorothea asked, concern laced in her voice.
"I just don't like the way my body looks." Edelgard said very quietly.
"Why is that? You know you aren't overweight Edie, not even close."
"No, it's nothing like that." Edelgard knew she was healthy enough. Fortunately, anorexia was not one of Edelgard's struggles. "I have a lot of scars."
"Scars are ok Edie. They are proof that you are still alive. That you survived." Dorothea smiled lovingly at Edelgard.
"I-" Edelgard knew what Dorothea was trying to say. She was offering a different way to think about herself. But she wasn't embarrassed by her scars, she was afraid of them. Every time she saw them they reminded her of windowless rooms, doors that locked from the outside. She could hear the dispassionate voices of her abductors, feel the chafing of handcuffs and collars. Each scar was a painful memory, and she had a lot of scars.
"Hey, Edelgard."
Edelgard hadn't noticed Dorthea approach her, or rest her hand lightly on her tightly clasped hands.
"Breath Edelgard. Breath with me. In through your nose for three seconds." Dorothea breathed in loudly through her nose. Edelgard copied her. "Hold it for seven. One… Two… Three… Four… Five… Six… Seven. Now breathe out of your mouth for eight." Dorothea let out a loud breath, and Edelgard followed.
They repeated this four or five times, until Edelgard had relaxed her shoulders and she became aware of her surroundings again.
Dorothea sat down on the bunk next to her. "I'm sorry Eide, I shouldn't have pushed."
"No, it's ok. You were only trying to help-"
"You don't have to say that. I was wrong. Sometimes, I forget what the doctors say, that it is kinder to listen and commiserate than it is to try and problem solve."
Edelgard felt close to tears. Dorothea was a kind and understanding soul. She didn't even need to be here and she still paid attention during group and learned something. "But I trust you Dorothea. I feel like I should tell you these things."
"Never feel like you have to tell me something you don't want to talk about Edie," Dorothea insisted. "You are welcome to tell me anything you want, but I don't want you to feel obligated to tell me things that are too difficult for you to say. I care about you Edie, but you don't owe me anything."
This time, Edelgard really did start to cry.