Gregory the Smarmy

During the next few days, James reacquainted himself with his classes. Among his favorites were Transfiguration and Charms, taught respectively by Professor McGonagall and Professor Flitwick. James had always taken a particular liking to Transfiguration despite McGonagall's imposing character, but History of Magic and Care of Magical Creatures came with much less welcome. Professor Binns, the ghost who taught History of Magic, was as dreary as his subject matter, and he neither noticed nor cared whenever James slept or engaged in paper airplane wars with Sirius during his lectures. Lily, of course, minded the latter very much, but she could only send the two of them meaningful glares over her shoulder during the period; Remus, at least, had the patience to ignore his roommates whenever they horsed around, and James could tell that he sometimes grew drowsy himself during Binns' droning.

On the other hand, Care of Magical Creatures was a bit too exciting. The Gryffindors and Slytherins in James' year had met Professor Kettleburn last year in their joint class, and none of the students had taken a particular liking to him. Most of their reservation had come from Kettleburn's peg legs and lack of a left arm, which were all the aftermath of the wizard's dangerous line of work. Although none of the students had come to harm during his classes, there had been a few close calls with flying horses and walking mushrooms. Most of the excitement in the class came from Remus (through no fault of his own), because every creature that Kettleburn brought in seemed to sense that something was wrong with the young Gryffindor. All that James could say to cheer up his friend was that none of the other students seemed to draw the connection between the animals' fright and Remus' presence. Not even Kettleburn or Hagrid, the gigantic Gameskeeper and self-appointed assistant to Kettleburn, took any notice of Remus' disengagement from the class.

After their first Care of Magical Creatures lesson, Remus trudged beside his roommates with a sullen look. "I don't know why I ever signed up for this class," he grumbled, kicking at the scarlet carpet of a castle hallway. "Did you see how the Slytherins looked at me when that Knarl tried to bite my finger off? I think they're onto me."

"If Wilkes and his cronies were actually smart enough to catch on, they would have made sure to tell us so," James snorted, patting his friend's shoulder. "Besides, that Knarl hardly nicked you! It seemed just as angry at that git Snivellus. For all his clumsiness, he could be a secret werewolf, too!"

"I wish that I didn't have to attend Care of Magical Creatures every week," Remus grunted in response.

"Couldn't you have dropped it after last year?" Peter asked.

"I didn't want to raise any questions," Remus sighed. "Professor McGonagall would have been understanding enough, but I would have had to speak with Professor Kettleburn about it, and he'd want an explanation. No offense to him, but if he ever found out about me, I don't think that he'd be able to keep his mouth shut in front of the other professors. Besides, with the way he fawns over the creatures he brings into class, he'd probably want to do a lesson series on me," he added, shuddering.

Grinning despite his roommate's melancholy, James poked Remus' side. "What's wrong with that? Just imagine Professor Kettleburn going on and on about your eating habits!"

"'The youthful werewolf is an intriguing specimen!'" Sirius spoke in his best impression of Kettleburn, which just ended up sounding like Sirius had caught a bad cold. "'A lamentably misunderstood creature, he spends his days whimpering at the moon and spending immoderate amounts of time reading his textbooks.'"

Fighting to choke back their laughter, James and Peter barely heeded Remus' hushing. Only the tiny Dedalus Diggle, who was passing by in the hallway, turned to the four and waved as he walked by, the other students ignoring them as they went on their ways. However, James and the others were soon stopped by Sirius' younger brother, Regulus, who turned the corner unannounced and ran straight into James. Grunting, James took a steadying step back while Regulus took the force of the blow, being a head shorter than him. Stumbling backwards, he nearly lost his grip on the parchment roll in his hand as he straightened, soon donning a scowl as he realized who he had run into.

"Hey, watch it, Reg!" James told him, smirking slightly as he brushed down his robes. Interested by the noise of the collision, Diggle and a few of the other passersby slowed down in the middle of the hallway to watch as James grinned at Regulus. "You might accidentally hurt yourself!"

Seemingly miffed by the growing crowd and James' use of a nickname, Regulus glowered back at him. "Look out yourself, Potter."

"Oi, don't mouth off to my mates, Reg," Sirius warned his brother, folding his arms. "You were the one that ran into him."

"Maybe I wouldn't have if he wasn't always with you," Regulus muttered, attempting to move around the four older boys, but James moved an arm out to stop him.

"What do you mean by that?" he asked, feeling the hair on the back of his neck prickle. When Regulus gave him another glare and tried to walk past again, James kept his arm out. "I mean it. What are you trying to say?"

"I mean that my brother doesn't choose his friends wisely, that's what," Regulus finally replied, and Sirius curled his lip.

"At least I have friends, you prat," he responded. "Why don't I ever see you with the other idiots in your House?"

"I get on with them just fine," Regulus retorted, drawing back. "They're all wondering why you keep hanging around with blood traitors. They're even starting to call you one."

"Then let them!" Sirius exclaimed as several students gasped and started to whisper. "Why should I care what they think?"

His mouth falling open, Regulus stared at him in poorly-concealed disgust. "If our parents were to hear you—"

"Then I'd have said it louder," Sirius interrupted, making Regulus grit his teeth.

"Do you know what you're doing to us?" he hissed. "As if you befriending half-bloods isn't bad enough, now the whole family has to deal with the rumors!"

"Well, I'm sorry if our existence offends you," James broke in, gesturing to himself, Remus, and Peter, "but we're here to stay."

Ignoring him, Regulus glared up at Sirius, who eyed him with an almost bored look. "All right, if that's the way you want to go at it, Reg," Sirius finally spoke, drawing out his wand.

As Regulus took out his own, a couple of the watching students oohed and shuffled closer. Near the front, Diggle gasped while Sirius and Regulus moved into dueling stances.

"Shouldn't we get a professor?" he pleaded with Remus, the closest of James' roommates. Arms folded over himself, Remus avoided Diggle's gaze as Peter gaped between the Black brothers. Narrowing his eyes, James stepped forward to back up Sirius.

"That's two against one, James," Remus spoke quietly, ignoring Diggle.

"Your friend's right," Regulus pointed out, his eyes darting between James and Sirius to anticipate their next moves. "How very Gryffindor of you—you must feel so brave."

"What, are you afraid that you'll be crawling on the floor for the next month?" Sirius retorted. "You should have thought about that before now!" Raising his wand, he prepared to fight, but Regulus beat him to the spell.

"Flipendo!" he yelled, and Sirius ducked, the bright blue light narrowly missing the top of his head.

Biting his fingernails, Diggle danced in place for a moment before speaking to the room at large. "I'm going to find a professor!" Too entranced with the duel to notice Diggle's departure, Peter and the rest of the students began to cheer on Sirius as he retaliated.

"Tarantellegra!"

Diving, Regulus missed his spell, but he was soon hit head-on with the Seize-and-Pull Charm that James had sent his way. Almost losing grip on his wand as he was dragged across the floor towards his rivals, Regulus managed to flip onto his back and send a spell back at James.

"Sumo Luto!"

In response to Regulus' command, a glob of thick, grimy mud splashed across James' face, covering his glasses in a coat of brown goo. Drying instantly, the mud hardened where it had landed, and James let out a hiss as he tried to claw the hard-packed dirt off of his face. Succeeding only marginally, he felt something like a tendril of a vine creep around his leg, and he cried out as his feet were suddenly yanked out from under him. With a grunt, he landed hard on his backside as Sirius yelled out an incantation above him, and James quickly ripped off his soiled glasses and thrust them into his pocket before jumping to his feet. Spinning around, he noted with a wince that he would have a bruise in the morning where he had fallen; lifting his wand, he aimed it at Regulus as the third-year conjured an oversized, luminous bubble to ward off the last spell that Sirius had shot at him.

"Expelliarmus!" James and Sirius shouted as one once the bubble had popped, and Regulus barely had time to react as the two spells combined and blasted into his chest, sending him flying backwards. Parting to let Regulus fly by unimpeded, the watching students shouted encouragingly as James and Sirius advanced on the younger student, who had lost his wand after the last spell. Stopping within a few paces of him, James waited as Sirius glared at his brother.

"Do you take it back, Reg?" Sirius questioned, to which Regulus responded with a glare. Shaking his head, Sirius sneered and pointed his wand at Regulus' face. "I don't know what I was expecting," he snarled, and the students cheered as Regulus lifted his chin.

"Look out, it's Mrs. Norris!" one of the spectators cried out before Sirius could strike, and the students all turned to spy the caretaker's cat watching them from down the hall. Her lamp-like, yellow eyes were aglow, and the scrawny feline yowled eerily at the disrupters of the peace just before Peter gasped.

"It's Filch!" he exclaimed, pointing, and James had to squint without the aid of his glasses to make out the form of Mrs. Norris' owner. Upon spying James and Sirius standing over Regulus, Argus Filch's bulging eyes gleamed, and he licked his ever-twitching lips.

"What's this, my sweet?" he wheezed to his cat, hobbling forward as best he could with his hunched back. "Fighting in the corridors, are we? We'll see about that! Detention for the lot of you, I should think, if I can't hang you from your ankles in the dungeons!"

Turning to each other, James and Sirius shared a single look and bolted in the other direction. "Catch you later!" James called over his shoulder to Filch, and Regulus pushed himself up to a sitting position.

"Come back here, you insolent whelps!" Filch yelled at James and Sirius, breaking into a limping run as Mrs. Norris began speeding after the boys.

"Do us a favor, will you?" Sirius called out to the nearby students, and they parted. Waving in thanks, James and Sirius kept up their rapid pace as the crowd applauded their flight. Ignoring the noise behind them, they nevertheless glanced down when the skinny form of Mrs. Norris shot past them, attempting to slow them down by nipping at their heels.

"Get stuffed, you balmy cat!" Sirius growled, and he shot a red spell towards his feet that sent Mrs. Norris skidding away with a yelp. Unconcerned by the expletives streaming from Filch, he and James continued down the first floor while searching for a place to escape.

"Where's the next staircase?" James asked, beginning to pant.

"Not for a while," Sirius replied. "I suppose that your Invisibility Cloak is back in our room?"

"Yeah," James answered, grimacing. "I should really start carrying that around."

"Behind here!" Sirius suggested, pulling James to the side. In a moment, they had ducked behind a statue of an unattractive wizard with an ingratiating smile, the statue's large girth more than wide enough to hide both of them from the hallway. Looking down, James read a plaque bearing the name "Gregory the Smarmy."

"Do you think Filch will—"

"Shh!" Sirius interrupted, clapping his hand against James' mouth as he peered around the statue's stomach. Appearing at the end of the hallway, Filch glanced back and forth as Mrs. Norris waddled behind him, her fur still standing on end from Sirius' spell.

"Come on, Norris dear, they can't be far," Filch cackled, and he began peeking into different doorways. Shaking his head, Sirius pressed his back against Gregory the Smarmy.

"It looks like we'll just have to blast our way out of this one," he whispered, but James was distracted by a dark line between the stone slabs in the wall behind them. Squinting to see the black strip more clearly, he reached forward; expecting to trace his hand against the wall, he started when his fingers slipped into a hollowed-out space just behind the granite.

"Sirius, look! There's a room behind the wall!"

Immediately alert, Sirius looked at where James had stuck his hand behind the statue as James pulled out his wand. "Mobililapus!" he commanded, and a small purple light issued out from the end of his wand and connected with the stone. Sliding forward as the wall opened up, the statue of Gregory the Smarmy did not so much as make a grinding sound against the floor as it revealed a dark opening, easily large enough for two people to climb through.

Jumping through first, James waited for Sirius to follow him before moving the stone back into place, praying that Filch would not notice the shifting statue. Once the wall had closed back over them, the boys watched the caretaker quietly by the small beam of light coming through the hole's opening. After a minute or two, Filch finally walked in front of the statue and blocked the light issuing through the thin crack.

"Keep looking, Mrs. Norris—they're around here somewhere," he muttered, pacing right in front of the boys. "I can feel them lurking in this hallway."

Turning to each other, James and Sirius grinned as Filch and his cat walked right by their hiding place, apparently clueless to the existence of the secret room. Putting his finger to his lips, James mimed that both of them should wait until Filch had left the hallway to reveal themselves, and neither of them moved a muscle as the caretaker continued searching. After a few minutes of scouring the hall, Filch let out a curse and stomped back towards Gregory the Smarmy.

"Search the hall again! They have to be hiding here somewhere!"

Trotting at his heels, Mrs. Norris let out a low meow and started sniffing at the floor in front of the statue, keeping James and Sirius trapped as her master strode off towards the other end of the corridor. Sharing a glance, the boys waited for Mrs. Norris to leave, but she and Filch stayed within a short distance of their hiding place. Eventually, James felt his stiffened legs begin to grow tired of standing in one place, and he adjusted his weight between his feet.

When the wait had grown almost too long for him to bear, James was suddenly distracted by a tug on his sleeve, and he turned to see Sirius putting his finger over his lips and pulling him further into the dark. Moving as quietly as he could, James followed him with trepidation, fearing that his hampered vision would cause him to run into a wall of stone. However, he never felt the expected impact, and he started to relax as Sirius kept moving at a steady pace, eventually stumbling a bit as they started marching downwards. Traveling farther down into the castle, James lost sight of Sirius' black hair a few times in the darkness of the tunnel, but he always spotted it a moment later when Sirius slowed down long enough for him to catch up.

Amazed at how long the time dragged on, James kept his arms extended on either side of him, feeling along the edges of a rough, stone surface as he followed his roommate. After what seemed like half an hour, James could finally feel both walls of the tunnel without having to stretch his arms to their full extent. The passage continued to contract gradually, making both James and Sirius double over to stop their heads from knocking against the ceiling until the latter finally took in a large gulp of air.

"Hey, I can see the opening!" Sirius announced, his voice echoing softly through the tunnel, and he picked up his pace while James hurried after him. In just a few moments, Sirius stopped and pressed his hands against the ceiling of the underground corridor, where a bright light was shining down on the boys. "I think it's stuck. Help me push," Sirius requested.

Pushing as one on the cold surface of the stone, the boys heaved until the hefty boulder above them popped free to allow a chilly blast of air into their faces. Climbing free of the hole after Sirius, James stood up and blinked his eyes against the brilliant sun, which shone overhead on the Hogwarts grounds. Squinting to the left, James spotted the blurry blue mass of the lake, which shimmered in the blowing wind. Behind the lake stood the Hogwarts castle, much smaller than James would have guessed it to be after their expedition, and Hagrid's cabin was hardly more than a speck in the distance. Even the Quidditch pitch stood just far enough away so that a player might not spot anyone near the tunnel opening.

After taking in their surroundings, James faced Sirius and shrugged. "That went a lot farther than I thought it would."

Looking back at him in the new light, Sirius smirked. "You look like a raccoon."

Rubbing at the dried dirt surrounding his eyes, James felt a few specks of dust fall between his fingers. Rubbing away most of his face's grime, he pulled his glasses from his pocket and frowned at them.

"I should dunk these in the lake," he said. "Your brother did me a good one there."

"Yeah, but at least he made us miss our first Defense Against the Dark Arts class," Sirius said with a smile, letting out a sigh as the breeze ruffled his hair. Sirius had let it grow a bit longer over the summer, and James noticed that it might fit into a small ponytail like Professor Aven's. "I guess we're too late to catch anything important as it is," Sirius guessed. "What do you say we make a day of it and forget about our other classes? I don't fancy going back to the castle after all that excitement—we might as well stay by the Quidditch pitch or poke around the Forbidden Forest."

"Fine by me," James agreed. "I don't want to meet up with Filch anytime soon, either." Motioning towards the boulder, he suggested, "We should probably move this back first. I don't know if anyone else knows about the tunnel."

"If Filch doesn't, I don't know who else would," Sirius agreed, and he helped James push the boulder back into place over the tunnel entrance. Walking to the edge of the lake, James dipped his glasses in the water and rubbed the dirt off as Sirius joined him on the edge.

"You know, I heard that a giant squid lives under here," Sirius commented, leaning over the water to get a better look.

"Ever wanted to find out?" James questioned as he put on his glasses, turning to Sirius with a smirk. Moving swiftly, he made to shove his friend into the water, but Sirius sidestepped at the last moment and allowed James to tumble into the lake instead. Spluttering as he splashed downward, James rose halfway from the water and glared at Sirius through his wet hair.

"You git, how did you know I was going to push you?"

"We've been mates for four years now, James," Sirius replied, laughing. "I know better than to stand between you and a body of water."

Pointing his wand at Sirius, James shouted, "Collabor!"

Yelling, Sirius flailed his arms as his legs buckled, falling face-first into the water. Pushing up, he dunked James in retaliation, each one laughing and splashing in turn as they wrestled playfully under the warm sun.