To say this chapter hurt to write is an understatement, but I promise to follow it up quickly with the next.
...
It's not until Tyrion leaves for King's Landing that Jamie works up the nerve to go see Bronn.
"I wondered how long it would be till you came sulking around." The man said from his spot on the floor. He gestured to the large bruise on his face and gave Jamie a look of appreciation. "Didn't think you had it in you."
"If you push the right buttons." Jamie huffed, standing on the other side of the bars and looking at his old friend.
"I knew you were fucking her, I didn't know you loved her." Bronn snorted. "Guess I miscalculated. No wonder Cersei wants her dead."
"How is she?" Jamie asked sheepishly, trying to fight down the waves of guilt that rose in his chest.
"Angry." Bronn shrugged. "Pregnant." He gestured to his own stomach, rounding his hand around it like it was large. "Says it's Euron Greyjoy's. They're planning a big wedding, inviting half the city into the keep for it. Like the Dragon Queen isn't about to fry them all."
Jamie pressed his face into his left hand, and leaned against the wall.
"Oh relax, everyone knows she's too far along for it to be Greyjoy's except for Greyjoy." Bronn growled at him.
"I wish it was." Jamie grunted, slowly sliding down the wall until he was sitting on the floor outside Bronn's cell like they were mirrors. "I wish it was Euron Fucking Greyjoy's and that she'd sent you here to kill me." He clenched his eyes shut. "She's going to sacrifice that city. Sacrifice the child. For what? So she can die the queen?"
"There's Greenfire." He nodded at Jamie. "She's got it stashed."
Jamie remembered the blue flame of the dead dragon and the red rush of fire from the living ones. He closed his eyes.
"Are you the only one?" He asked hoarsely.
"That she sent to kill you?" Bronn asked flippedly.
"That she sent to kill my wife!" He yelled.
"You love her." The sellsword shook his head in disbelief.
"Answer me." Jamie swallowed, trying not to plead.
"I think so." He nodded quickly. "Haven't heard anyone else running around telling people they're the Lord of River Run."
"I thought you wanted Highgarden?" Jamie whispered, smirking at the memory.
"That's what I was going to barter with Tyrion for until you knocked me on my arse." Bronn shrugged, Jamie snickered back at him.
….
The first night he dreams that Cersei's dispatched the Golden Army to kill his wife is the first day he realizes he'd do anything to protect her. Anything.
That's when he started writing the letter, hoping he'd never need it. It was a few days later that he admitted to himself that he'd been sneaking around, watching her throughout the day. The next week he'd begun checking in almost compulsively. He knew she'd noticed, they'd spent to much time side by side, worrying about each other not to. She hadn't said anything. Worse yet, she had indulged him. Twice now she'd exchanged looks with Sansa before crossing the yard to him. Today is the third.
"Hi." She stood straight, her eyes forward and formal despite the softness of her tone.
"Hi." He scrubbed his hand over his face, feeling like an idiot. "How's Sansa?"
"She misses your brother." Brienne scanned the yard, officially looking for threats he supposed. He knew she wouldn't find it out there.
"So do I." He sighed. "I should let you work."
Sansa walked towards them, with long determined steps and they both turned towards her, eyes dropping on the paper in her hand.
"Sam received a raven from Tyrion." She told them breathlessly.
"And?" Brienne could sense the dread in him, her body going rod straight again.
"Euron Greyjoy's fleet attacked their ships. One of the dragons was killed and they've captured Missandei." Jamie swallowed hard and Sansa looks at him with something between pity and relief. "Jon is still days away at least.""
Jamie gave a quick nod, Sansa looked as if she had more to say, but she glanced quickly at Brienne before leaving them alone.
"She's spending the evening with Arya." His wife blinked at him. "I don't think I'll be necessary, if you need me to-." He tried not to say yes, but his body betrayed him with a nod. "Give me just a minute."
She walked back to the Lady of Winterfell and says something that made her glance up at Jamie with a look he never wanted to see again. He dropped his chin to his chest and waits for her to retrieve him.
"Have you eaten?" She asked as she returned to his side. He looked up at her, his eyes burning. He reached out and brushed his hand against hers and watched her stoney expression falter just a little. "Come with me."
Once inside there room, she turned her body toward his.
"Talk to me." She whispered, calmly, reaching up and undoing the clasp of her armor. "Tell me."
He watched her swing the breast plate off and wiggled free of her top layer. He ran his fingers over the shoulder strap of her undershirt. "Whatever it is that you see when close your eyes, whatever is eating you up inside, please just tell me."
He slid his fingers along her jaw and she let the air leave her lungs in a controlled rush.
"Jamie we need to talk about this." She pleaded softly.
"You won't like what I have to say." He told her calmly, pressing his lips to the others side of her face.
"Jamie." She whispered, clenching the sleeve of his shirt in her fist.
"Just let me hold you." He kissed across her throat. "That'll make me feel better.
"We should-." Her hand was already undoing the ties of his outer clothes.
"Don't make me beg My Lady." He teased.
She ran her hands along his obliques and pulled away rid them both of their clothes. He pulled her back to him and held her tightly.
"It won't fix anything." She sighed pressing her forehead into his clavicle.
"I know." He breathed. "I know."
She shuttered out a broken breath and he winced, pressing his lips to the top of her head.
"I'm afraid this can't be fixed tonight."
...
He woke up with a start. He's dreamt the mountain has gouged out her sapphire blue eyes. He's dreamt of his baby's bashed in head laid at the feet of the Iron Throne. He's dreamt of Cersei holding a dagger to Tyrion's throat. He's pictured his sister dead on the floor map of Westeros with Widow's Wail sticking from her chest.
He realized he's alone with her hands didn't rush to comfort him and for the first time he's cold in the swelteringly hot room. He put his palm on the spot where she lies and it's cold. She must have gone to check on Sansa. Jamie rose and gathered whaat he'll need without letting himself think about it.
He fights himself into his armor and sits at the foot of the bed for a second. Clutching the letter in his hand. He wanted to be gone by the time she came back but he's still sitting there.
"What are you doing?" She asked, with a resoluteness in her voice that told him she knew exactly what he was doing.
"I have to go to King's Landing." He didn't mean to say it, but now that he has he knows it was a mistake. Her eyes widen, and she huffs out a strangled sound that makes his heart clench in his chest. "I have to try and stop her."
"You really don't." Her voice is flat.
"I really do." He swallowed sitting on the bed.
"Getting yourself killed with her isn't going to solve anything."
"I might save the population of an entire city." He yelled. "It might save the child. It might save my brother. It might save-."
He stops himself but she heard the name anyway. Cersei. Always Cersei.
"Go on." She tells him, her voice is now stone and it's slowly crushing him. "Say it."
"I don't want to fight with you about this." He rubbed his face.
"You don't want her between us, but she already is." Brienne shook her head slowly. "She always has been."
"You are my wife." He countered quickly.
"And she is your sister." Brienne said, as a matter of fact.
"She wants you dead." He whispered. "Don't you see that? Because of me. She wants you dead. I talked to Bronn."
"Bronn, the man sent to kill us? That's your wise council. That's who you're confiding in and listening to instead of me?" She demanded.
"There are things he understands that you do not."
"I'm sure there are." She yelped. "I can protect myself."
"What if Daenerys fails?"
"I can protect myself." She repeated stubbornly.
"Against a mad queen?" He looks up at her like a little boy. "I won't have you killed for my mistakes. I won't have an entire city, the one that I suffered dishonorment to save once before, burn to the ground at the hands of Cersei Lannister."
"Is that what it is?" She challenges him, and he remembers the expression of her rod straight in the bath at Harrenhall as he kept his eyes trained on hers. "Honor? Or is it about Cersei. Your sick obsession with your-."
"Maybe it is." He whispered so softly despite the fact that it sucks the air out of the room. "Maybe it is." Jamie could see the tears forming in her eyes then and he gripped the edge of the mattress to keep from going to her. He knew she would reject his comfort now. Jamie moved his eyes to the floor. "If I'm so redeemable, why isn't she?" He shrugs. "Wouldn't that be the great irony." He heard the edge creeping into his voice. One he hadn't used on her in a very long time. "If it turned out that the Honorable Ser Jamie Lannister was really still the shit person you thought he was in the beginning. If you little rehab project was a failure and I am no better the Cersei."
He clicked his eyes up to her and watched her try to steady the tremble that wracked her body.
"Don't be hateful." Brienne ground out.
"I am hateful." He shook his head. "And so is she."
Jamie stood up slowly, grabbed his things before grasping his gold hand in his flesh palm.
"Good Bye Brienne." He whispered as he passed her, just as he had so many times before.