disclaimer: I do not own Ouran High School Host Club.

trigger warning: full-blown panic attack

Chapter Four | Anxiety's Rotten Hands

1 October 2007

Tamaki was more than confusing. He was the human version of a headache.

There was no way in hell that Tamaki and Haruhi were blood relatives, yet he continued to insist that he was her father. Even after she shot him down multiple times. He was persistent about it. Yuu couldn't figure out why. There wasn't even enough of an age gap between them for that to be physically possible.

Tamaki wasn't a human headache; he was a persistent migraine.

Yuu had only been in their club room for twenty minutes and he was already done with their shit.
Propping a hand on his cheek in boredom, Yuu raised an eyebrow at the ongoing scene. Tamaki was yelling the twins for hugging Haruhi as they laugh and call him a pervert. And Haruhi had no choice but to accept her fate and glare at both parties involved.

"Leave my precious daughter alone, you no-good shady twins—"

The twins responded by each resting an elbow on the brunette's shoulders, leaning on her, which resulted in Tamaki yelling even more.

Yuu glanced over at Kyouya, watching as the raven-haired's eyebrow twitched—there was no way he would put it past his brother for something like this to be a daily occurrence. He didn't get a very cooperative vibe from Kyouya, so asking him what was going on seemed utterly pointless.

Maybe the brunette in question would prove more helpful.

"Hey, Haruhi?" Yuu somehow managed to gain all four of their attention as he spoke. "I have a question."

She nodded, signaling him to continue.

"What the fuck?"

"It's a long story—" Before she could finish her sentence, the blond cut her off.

"Yuukou! A gentleman must never speak with such distasteful language like that. Especially to a lady—"

Oh, shit.

With a roll of the eyes, Yuu slouched back in his chair, paying full attention to the spoon (he didn't remember picking up) twirling around his fingers. He had unleashed a beast—angry chihuahua—and he was never going to hear the end.

Note to self, he thought, censor mouth around older brother.

"Will you two stop it!" Kyouya said more as a statement than a question, gripping the pen in his hand tight enough his knuckles were turning white. "Our guests will be here any moment. We need to get into place."

"I'll take that as my cue to leave." Yuu stood, pushing his chair in before attempting to walk away.

Two steps and a blond suddenly in his path later, Yuu found himself sitting on the floor. He glared up at him as he spat, "Stop doing that!"

"Doing what?"

"Getting in my face, you weirdo," Yuu grumbled. "I swear, next time I'll deck you."

"You'll have to get off the floor first."

Yuu narrowed his eyes at Tamaki. It was as if the blond was challenging him, but in a weird way without admitting to the challenge in front of everyone. As if to say, "I'd like to see you try."

Tamaki's eyes were shining as he held a hand out to the younger teen. His expression did a complete one-eighty to one that scared the shit out of Yuu the moment he accepted Tamaki's hand. Within seconds, he was yanked towards the middle of the goddamn room.

Yuu trained his attention on the smudge mark Tamaki's shoe left when he skidded to a halt. He let his dark hair fall over his face in an attempt to avoid eye contact.

He needed an excuse. Any kind of excuse. His head hurt. He wanted to finish decorating his room. A hippopotamus was swimming in the pool. Anything would work at this point. He was there for his brother, not his brother's damn friends. Now they were busy, so it seemed perfectly logical to leave, but Tamaki had other ideas. Several other ideas.

According to Tamaki, Yuu was to learn the ways of being a host, without becoming one—he had absolutely no choice in the matter.

He didn't want to be a host. He wanted to go home.

"Sempai." Tamaki's attention was directed away from Yuu as Haruhi spoke up. "It's obvious Yuukou-san wants to leave..."

"What?" Tamaki's voice rose approximately half an octave higher with the word. "Of course he wants to be here! He gets to spend time with all of us! Why wouldn't he want to stay—?!"

Yuu cut him off. "You never asked me if I wanted to stay..."

Blue-violet irises found themselves staring at the floor with fake interest, again, as he kicked at the tile, leaving scuff marks behind with his shoe.

But the silence was suffocating. He could practically hear the blood vessels in his ears pounding. The shift in the cushion on the couch as someone sat down. Footsteps as someone drew further away from him. Some kind of ruffling. Little noises that screamed so loud it was almost deafening.

"Wha—what?" Tamaki looked in his direction but looking his brother in the eye was the last damn thing he wanted to do right then. "I thought you loved meeting new people."

Three years ago, when the only thing he wanted to be was just like his brother.

"I, um—I'm not much of a people person..."

"But why?" The blond questioned. "You used to always want to hang out with my friends and me."

The gum wrapper still in his pocket from that morning held his attention as he fiddled with it, keeping his head down. He couldn't do it. He couldn't be there. He couldn't fucking focus with everyone's damn eyes glued on him like he was some kind of child's art project plastered on the refrigerator.

"Things have changed," he muttered. He changed. The twelve-year-old kid his brother knew was not who he was anymore. "I just—I'm—" He took in a breath quickly before exhaling. "I have a hard time dealing with people."

"But Yuu..." Tamaki paused. He tried to look his brother in the eye, but the younger wouldn't even glance in his direction.

"We're different now, Tamaki," Yuu offered. "Things happen and people change."

If the blond didn't believe him, he gave no indication of it. Even so, Yuu knew the conversation was far from over.

Behind him, the door opened softly. Yuu made no attempt to hide the fact he was staring at the newcomers instead of paying any attention to his brother. The small blonde—Yuu immediately recognized him as Honey-sempai—offered a short apology for their tardiness but stopped as he seemingly realized he had interrupted an ongoing conversation. The taller one—obviously Mori-sempai—also muttered something Yuu assumed was an apology, but he couldn't quite hear the dark-haired teen.

"Stop pestering him, Sempai." Haruhi suddenly spoke up, gaining the room's attention again. "He just moved here, after all. You haven't seen him in what, three years? A lot can change in that matter of time. Just give him some space to breathe."

Tamaki was quiet for a moment but forced Yuu to look at him by running a hand along his cheek. "Do you really want to leave?" he asked.

There was a look in his eyes that told Yuu how much Tamaki had been looking forward to this all day. He wanted his clients to meet his brother face-to-face. He hasn't shut up about it. He wanted everyone to know him.

Did Yuu really want to disappoint his brother?

"I'm sure I'd just get lost in the halls again."

He'd rather do anything else.

1 October 2007

"So, Yuukou-san, what made you decide to join the host club?"

Wait—what? The dark-haired teen blinked twice. He never once told Tamaki he would agree to join the stupid club, nor did he even plan on it. Not in a million years would he consider it. He was only there because his idiot brother insisted on it and he was too stubborn to call for a ride home.

"Oh, no, I'm afraid you're mistaken." Tamaki gave her a smile that probably only he could pull off. "Yuu here is our honorary guest."

Yuu's eyes narrowed slightly as his brows furrowed closer. He couldn't quite figure it out, but this Tamaki was completely different from the Tamaki he road to school with. He seemed more eccentric than normal. That described it decent enough. This Tamaki was almost princely as if he were portraying some kind of character. It was definitely unusual, to say the least.

There was a chorus of "oooooh"'s releasing from the three girls sitting around them.

One of them scooted closer to Yuu.

There was an unnerving look in her eyes that almost made him want to leave.

"Will he join, though?" she asked, cedar irises never once leaving him.

"Well, that's up to him. If Yuu decides he wants to join the club then he can, no one is going to push him into anything," Tamaki answered in that same charming tone he didn't understand.

It was a lie.

Yuu specifically remembered him saying: "The club is a great place! Oh! I know! You can join the club! It's lots of fun, and we can spend more time together that way!"

Also: "Oh! I have an idea! You should join the club! It's loads of fun, and we do lots of things together!" while they were with the rest of the club at the store.

And even: "You know what you should do, Yuu? You should join the club! Everyone loves you already!" when they got home the other day.

And then there were the countless other times he (not so) casually brought it into a conversation.

The girl scooted closer to him again, and he noticed her subtly biting her lip as she twirled a strand of ebony hair around her finger.

A heavy feeling built in his chest as if a weight was pressing on it to prevent him from catching his breath. His lungs were starting to burn.

He tried to ignore it. He really did.

He had to focus on his breathing. That would help.

Breathe in.

"So, Yuu-san, what do you like to do for fun?"

Breathe out.

"How old are you?"

Breathe in.

"Is your hair naturally that color? Or are you a blond like Tamaki?"

Breathe out.

He lied; it wouldn't help.

Anxiety's rotten hands wrapped themselves around his neck so tightly it was restricting his airways—he knew that feeling all too well. And if he didn't get out of there soon, it was going to end horribly. But the air around him was already suffocating thick.

She moved closer again.

His vision began to tunnel as her face blurred.

They were only inches apart. She was close. She was too close.

"I, uh—" Focus. Focus, Yuukou. Breathe... Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe. Breathe. One breath. Two breaths. Four breaths. Three breaths. In through his mouth, out through his nose—or was it the other way around.

Just breathe, goddammit. It was not that hard.

"Frère, tu es bien?"

He couldn't hear Tamaki ask him if he was alright. Not over the pulsing rhythm in his ears and the storm trying to break through the cage in his chest. There was no stopping it. He had to get out of there. He rose from his seat with enough speed to cause a few heads to turn his way.

"Yuu-san, where are you going?" Someone was speaking, but he had no clue who.

His words were stolen from him—caught in the bile rising in his throat.

The building adrenaline dulled the pain across his shoulder blades as he slammed himself against the wall, both for support and an attempt to get away from the situation.

It was getting heavier. Heavier. Heavier. Until his legs grew too weak to hold up his body any longer as they buckled beneath him.

Maybe someone was still speaking to him. Maybe they weren't. He couldn't focus on anyone.

Breathe. Just fucking breathe.

Focus. Breathe. Focus. Breathe. Focus. Breathe—

The shaking didn't stop. It wouldn't. Everything was spinning. The walls were getting closer and closer and closer and—how were they even moving.

His knees pulled themselves to his chest and his arms wrapped around them. Maybe if he hugged them tight enough, the weight in his chest would be crushed away in his arms.

Footsteps drew near.

A voice. Deep. Raspy. Hazy. Words jumbling together. Maybe there was a question or two. Someone was speaking to him.

"...eathe... Yuu-san, breathe..."

Hours passed—or maybe it was only minutes, he had no fucking clue.

Breathing began to slow.

The room danced as his stomach twisted. A wave of nausea tackled him full force and it took every bit of concentration he had to keep his lunch from revisiting him.

"You alright?" His was deep—very deep. It had to be Mori-sempai.

He managed a nod. "Yea-yeah."

Mori waited a moment before asking, "Should I get Tamaki?"

He sealed his eyes shut as he shook his head. Tamaki was the last person on Earth who needed to witness an attack like that. He didn't need that added to his plate. "N-no."

Mori was concerned, Yuu knew that. Attacks like that take a lot out of someone. He still couldn't calm his breathing.

The taller teen sat down right beside the younger, tucking his legs underneath him as he leaned against the wall. Mori remained silent. His eyes weren't focused on Yuu, instead, they were staring straight ahead.

Mori didn't say anything. He didn't need to. Yuu closed his eyes and rested his head against the wall behind him, suddenly feeling much better than before.

Translation:Frère, tu es bien? (Brother, are you alright?)

Teaser: A late night conversation with Tamaki? Yuu what were you thinking?