The drive home from the hospital was quiet. After Dr. Rhodes' news, there was a new heaviness on the couple. They got to see Shawn one last time before leaving the hospital, the support from their colleagues and friends falling on deaf ears.

There was nothing that could make this better.

Once Jay and Erin had arrived home, the strong scent of iron in the air had both their stomachs turning. Erin immediately made her way up the stairs, with Jay following soon after. He found her lying down on Shawn's bed, tears in her eyes.

Blood soaked the sheets and carpet, but neither of them seemed to pay attention to that. The room felt so empty. Everything was neat and in its place, a concept that had seemed so foreign to Shawn. His room was always a mess—clothes everywhere, books strewn haphazardly on his desk—it grinded Jay's gears all the time.

He wished he could have that all back.

Slowly, Jay made his way over to Shawn's bedside table and picked up the white watch. It matched his black one and he thought Shawn would've liked it since he had seen him staring at the black watch around his own wrist multiple times. Jay smiled as he looked down at the accessory, the joy on Shawn's face when he'd opened his present was something permanently etched into his mind.

Next to the watch was a notepad, a scribble of words written across the top page. Jay's eyes were instantly drawn towards them. Tears quickly made their way down his cheeks as he read the words over and over again. He read them until the tears made it impossible to decipher the black ink lettering.

I can't do this anymore.

Even though the sun was shining bright and there wasn't a cloud in the sky, everything was dark. They didn't know what to do.

Everything from that morning had been left how it was.

The table was set for three, a bowl of fruit salad in the middle. Glasses were filled with now warm orange juice while the pancake batter was sitting on the counter near the skillet, ready to be poured.

The coffee was no longer fresh, yet the smell wafted throughout the house, a vague attempt at trying to cover the overwhelming smell in the air.

But neither Jay or Erin could think about any of it.

After a few hours of being in Shawn's room, they couldn't take it anymore. Erin had quietly made her way into the ensuite, turning on the shower to the hottest temperature her skin could take. Jay followed a few minutes later, softly shutting the door behind him. He didn't want to see anything in that room. He just wanted his baby back.

He could hear Erin sobbing in the shower—he had listened to her sniffle while she laid in Shawn's bed all afternoon. He seriously didn't have the energy to comfort her right now.

Slowly, Jay made his way downstairs and sighed deeply as he looked around. Every little thing reminded him of Shawn. The jacket thrown carelessly across the couch. The gaming console set up under the TV. The pictures on the mantle. He sat down on the couch, his eyes glazing over as he looked at the memories of his family's life. There was a couple of photos from his and Erin's wedding day; some from Shawn's birthdays; and of course, pictures of the original Intelligence team around them from the day Shawn was born.

He didn't hear Erin come down the stairs but when he felt the couch sink to his left, he quickly blinked the tears away. For the first time since that morning, Jay looked at his wife.

Her eyes were swollen and her cheeks pink. The tip of her nose was red and overall her complexion didn't look healthy.

She didn't look happy.

But why would she be? Her entire life is gone.

Her eyes settled on the pictures Jay had originally been looking at before fresh tears made their way back into her eyes.

Finally, Jay offered her the comfort she needed, wrapping his strong arms around her before bringing her into his chest.

"Did we do this to him?!" She cried, her voice at a tone Jay had never heard before. "Were we too hard on him?!" Jay opened his mouth before shutting it again, not trusting his voice to work. "God dammit Jay, fucking answer me! Were we too busy with ourselves to think of our own fucking child?!"

"Maybe we should've gotten him a tutor instead of yelling at him." Jay said, his voice cracking. He knew he was grasping at straws, but some part of his brain was telling him that getting upset over his report card marks pushed Shawn over the edge.

He's not sure how long they spend cuddled up on the couch together, but when Erin's breathing got deeper, he carried her to their bedroom, past the closed door. He was glad she found some semblance of peace behind the darkness of her eyelids. She really needed it.

Unfortunately, he knew he wouldn't be able to find the same peace. He carefully sat up in bed and listened to Erin's breathing as she slept.

24 hours ago, he had been caught up in work, too busy to think about what Erin or Shawn were doing.

22 hours ago, he made the choice to walk away from his son's bedroom door.

15 hours ago, his son was pronounced dead.

He finally let the tears slip. They quickly sluiced down his cheeks as he tried to hold in his sobs. Not wanting to disturb his sleeping wife, he made his way into the ensuite—shutting the door behind him—before fully letting himself become engulfed with his emotions.

I'm sorry that I let you down

Let you down

All these voices in my head get loud

I wish that I could shut them out

I'm sorry that I let you down

- Let You Down by NF

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