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Chapter Three: Tea and Strategy

Kyon and Koizumi sat across from each other at a table in the tea cafe. After giving the waitress their order, Kyon broke the ice.

"I don't think the girls are hypnotized anymore."

Koizumi scratched his chin. "I suspected the same thing, but I'm not completely positive. Are you?"

"If I had to give it a number, I'd say there's a 99.5% probability Harry is no longer the glassy-eyed love doll that I started out with."

"I've noticed a subtle difference in Micky as well. Might the girls' hypnotic states be evolving?"

"That's not how things are supposed to work."

As Koizumi considered Kyon's reply, the waitress returned with their teas.

"If I were to assign a probability to Micky's de-hypnotism, I'd make it 50-50."

"That's because Mikuru has a generally meek and pleasing personality to begin with. Haruhi on the other hand…"

"Miss Suzumiya's stronger nature would be more difficult to suppress." Koizumi sipped his tea. "What about Lassie?"

Kyon chuckled. "I still can't get over Sandy's pick for a nickname. Do you know where that name came from?"

"An Internet search informed me Lassie was the name of a famous American Collie, the star of an eponymous TV show and several movies. It seems to match, considering Miss Parker's fetish."

"If getting walked around campus butt-naked on all fours at the end of a leash floats her boat, that works for me."

"When Miss Nagato and Lassie make their daily rounds, they always draw a crowd."

"I wonder why that is?" Kyon joked.

"Let me posit a theory. The girl is unusually attractive and Japan suffers from a dearth of natural blondes. Also, Miss Parker's bark is quite cute, and her bite is in very high demand."

"You mean, Lassie's bark. And I'm pretty sure she hasn't actually bitten anybody… yet."

"Let's hope."

"It pisses me off when Nagato unleashes Lassie to let her sniff around for bones." Kyon made air quotes around the last word.

"I wonder how Lassie chooses her victims. To her credit, I don't believe a single guy whose package she's sniffed has turned her down."

"A gorgeous naked blonde kneels in front of you and licks your zipper? Who turns down an offer like that?"

"We do, daily."

"Shit." Kyon smacked the table. "We spend more time with that girl when she's in puppy-mode than anybody. Why shouldn't our dicks get sucked too?"

"Because those are the rules."

"Don't the rules say that the girls need to stay hypnotized?"

"Technically, no. They're merely required to become our love dolls when we cup their ears and revert to normal when doused with water." Koizumi crossed his arms. "You know, Kyon, you should be grateful for what you have."

"Of course, I am. There's not a girl in Japan that's hotter than Haruhi."

"Don't you mean, the world?"

Kyon groaned. "Yeah, I suppose. But guys like variety."

"In other words, guys like Lassie."

Kyon sighed. "I suppose. Don't tell me your mind doesn't wander when she's sniffing your bone."

"It's unfortunate you can't walk Miss Suzumiya around in puppy-mode on all fours, though she looks quite regal as a biped with her arms bound behind her back. The pose accentuates her lovely breasts."

"Now that those idiots she trashed got released from the hospital, do you think Principal Skinneruki might have a change of heart and let me take her out unrestrained?"

"I doubt it. But what in the world are you quibbling about? Be grateful you live in a universe where all this is possible to begin with."

"Actually, this universe you speak of can be measured in acres. Haruhi's kink-zone doesn't extend beyond North High's property line."

Koizumi shook his head. "It's a miracle that such a region exists at all. In addition, you and I are blessed to be the only ones able to carry memories of this craziness past the entrance gate. Everyone else goes home clueless."

"Correction. We're the only men that take their memories with them. I'm sure the SOS girls take this stuff home with them too. Although I wonder about Sandy."

The waitress came by to offer refills of the now-drained teas. Both guys accepted.

"Can I have a pastry too?" Kyon asked.

"As you wish." The waitress bowed.

Kyon watched the waitress walk away. "I bet she'd make a great love doll."

Koizumi cleared his throat. "Let's stay on point."

"Okay… so what are we doing to do about our little problem? And I'll grant you the emphasis on 'little.'"

"My guess is that, at some level, the girls realize that Miss Suzumiya's kink-zone, as you call it, only exists within the North High bubble. Knowing that whatever happens at North High, stays at North High, they've decided they don't care what we do to them."

"Hmmm. I hadn't considered that, but it makes sense."

"I don't believe confronting them would be the wisest move. We risk collapsing the bubble if we do that."

"Probably."

"The only logical alternative is to create an environment in which the girls — Miss Suzumiya in particular — wish to return to being hypnotized."

The waitress delivered their second round of tea and Kyon's pastry.

Kyon took a bite and a sip. "How about we tie them to the fence and whip their bottoms raw? I'm guessing they wouldn't want to be awake for that."

"I think you underestimate our love dolls. That would likely make their day."

"Dammit, you're right. So what do you think we should do?"

Koizumi smiled. "I think we'll have more success if we utilize a different strategy. What is it that Miss Suzumiya despises more than anything? The thing she'd consider torture?"

"That's easy. Boredom. She needs constant stimulation."

"I suggest we bore them back into hypnotism."

"Not a bad idea. We could tie them to the fence and just leave them there all day."

Koizumi shook his head. "Miss Suzumiya would love to be put on display like that. She'd consider it a challenge, and she'd eventually figure out a way to escape no matter how securely we chained her. Try again."

"Why don't we keep them dressed in their school uniforms… no… let's put them in flannel shirts, overalls, boots, and gloves, an outfit that covers every inch of their fine naked bodies, and we teach them how to grow crops?"

"I believe you've stumbled upon a far more effective strategy." Koizumi raised his cup. "I propose a toast. To boredom."

Kyon raised his cup and clinked Koizumi's. "To boredom."