So my brain gave up temporarily and I just posted the wrong chapter *facepalm* Thank you to the lovely ladies who messaged to let me know!
Here is the actual chapter. There are a couple of revelations in this one, so I'll let you get on with it, but just a friendly reminder that if you're looking for my chapter images, teasers, or anything like that, they're all exclusive to my FB reader group now. Come just me in CiaraShayee's Subconscious for all the fun stuff. Everyone is welcome!
Chapter Twenty-Five
Edward
"Surprise!"
Blinking in, well, surprise, I try to gather my wits while being pummelled with birthday wishes and passed from one set of arms to another, and another, and another.
Little Grandma, Freddie, a couple of Charlie's six sisters and their husbands. I recognize some of their many combined grown-up kids. The Samuels' are here, as are the Pauls. I grin as I'm pulled into a familiar set of arms, Mr. Eddison's wrinkled grin flashing. "Happy birthday, son."
"You're sneaky," I accuse, pointing at him. He told me he was out of town when I invited him to what I thought was going to be a low-key birthday dinner.
"Hey, I just did what I was told by Mrs. Swan, boy," he tells me with a soft laugh, and then I'm moving into a new set of arms. Everly, Rosalie, Angela, Benjamin...and so it goes on.
Arlo sticks close by me, his little hand in mine until I decide he makes a great human shield and scoop him up. Renee is one of the last to get at me. Her smile is a mile wide as she slips her arm around mine and guides me over to a table set up with a selection of both kid- and adult-friendly drinks.
"Are you surprised?"
"Very," I mumble, managing a faint smile. "Rae…"
"I know, I know. We shouldn't have done this, we didn't have to, blah blah blah." Arlo giggles as she tweaks his nose and grabs a beer from the ice box under the table. "You're a part of this family, we love you, and it's your birthday. You don't get to complain that we want to celebrate you."
Well…
A little choked up, I pull her into a hard one-armed hug. "Thank you. I don't mean to sound ungrateful."
With her blue eyes crinkled and her lips curled up in a fond smile, she pats my cheek before giving Arlo the same treatment. "You're very welcome, EC."
Wandering off to answer the call of one of the children, Renee leaves me alone with Arlo for all of a few seconds before I feel a hand at the small of my back, Bella appearing at my side with her full lower lip between her teeth and a tiny frown tugging her brows together.
I suddenly realize this is why she looked so nervous when I arrived. Relief rushes through my veins.
I'd wondered if she was going to break it off with me, just barely deciding she wouldn't do that to me on my birthday when Arlo appeared.
"Is this...okay?" she whispers, looking around at the people mingling in the sunshine, the vast array of delicious-smelling food, and the beach themed decorations littering the yard.
"It's perfect. It's too much," I amend with a raised eyebrow, but my smile widens. "But it's great." Draping an arm around Bella's shoulders, I wish I could do more. I wish I could lean down and kiss the relieved smile off her face. I wish I could hold her to me the way Benjamin is holding Angela across the patio. I wish I could tell everyone that she's mine, that she's the reason I'm in a good enough place to handle this today.
Before her, before the boys, I wouldn't have been able to cope with something like this, but they've brought me back to life.
"How old are you today, Easy?" Arlo asks.
Grinning, a wicked glint of mischief in her eyes, Bella pipes up before I can. "Easy is old, Arlo. He's almost forty."
"Almost bein' the key word there," I tell her gruffly before taking a mouthful of my beer, shaking my head as Arlo giggles.
"That's old, Easy! Momma is only twenty-one, right, Momma?"
Snorting beer out of my nose, I attract more than one person's attention. Bella laughs until she's red in the face but kindly grabs me a napkin from the nearest table. Forcing a frown even though a grin is attempting to pull my lips up, I adjust a cackling Arlo on my hip. "Is that what she's told you? Your momma is telling you lies, bud."
Arlo's eyes widen with glee. "Ooh, Momma. You're not s'posed to tell lies."
"I'm not lying, Lo," she tells him airily.
"You're not twenty-one, you little liar," I chuckle, pulling her to me. The impulse to press a kiss against her head is strong; I just barely resist, but it's not easy. "Your momma is twenty-seven, Arlo. Not twenty-one. In a few years, she'll be thirty."
Bella holds her hands up, crossing her fingers. "Don't cuss at me," she grumbles good-naturedly as her boy cracks up and tells her she's old, too, and in that moment, everything is right in the world.
Afternoon shifts into evening with the fading sunlight and the glow of the fairy lights strung over the patio.
One beer turns into two, three, and four, then I switch to soda. I see the way Garrett's eyes narrow for a beat when I amble over to him where he sits with Tanya, Ivy, and Lily. He's wondering why I'm not drinking, or wondering what I've put in the Coke I'm carrying.
It's with pride that I admit I'm done drinking for the night, and a rising sense of satisfaction slides through my body at the look of pleasure on my friend's face.
"Good for you, man," he says quietly, taking Ivy from Tanya's arms to pass her to me.
I've seen her a few times since her birth almost two months ago. She's grown a lot, her eyes more inquisitive, more alert. When I tickle her chin, she makes a snuffly sound that will eventually become a giggle, and when I lift her high above my head, she offers me a gummy grin that I expect to bring pain.
The pain doesn't come. I lower her to my chest, running my hand over her soft white-blonde hair, and realize it doesn't hurt so much anymore. I'm not sure how to feel about that, but Kendra's words run on a loop through my mind.
Living your life doesn't dishonor Willow's memory.
"Oh, look at you, little girl," Bella breathes over my shoulder, goosebumps rising in the wake of her breath against my skin. Resting a hand on my shoulder, she coos over Ivy and lights me on fire. Memories of me in this position, Willow in my arms and Kate at my back, are replaced with fantasies of Bella and I with a copper-haired, gray-eyed baby, and it's too much. Mumbling an apology, I hand Ivy to her mom and head inside to clear my mind.
In the living area, I find an empty couch and sit my ass down, my head in my hands and a long breath rushing from my lungs.
"Hey."
Glancing up, I watch Bella walk toward me. She sets her glass down on the end table with a quiet clink of glass meeting glass. Her hips sway with her steps, the gypsy skirt she's wearing clinging to her curves and the loose-necked t-shirt exposing her collarbones on one side. Her hair is twisted to one side in an intricate braid that has come loose over the course of the day. I reach out to tuck the wispy bits behind her ear with a long sigh that makes her smile shakily.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm perfect now. I just need a minute."
"I'll leave—"
"Stay. Please?"
Eyeing me for a moment, Bella nods. Her weight barely shifts the couch cushions, but her quiet understanding as she sits with me while I work through my thoughts and emotions means more than all the surprise parties she could ever throw me.
~ oOo ~
The last month of summer blows by in a whirlwind of shaping my days around work and Bella and the boys. It's been a long time since I've had to worry about anybody but myself, but I quickly find myself missing them all when I don't get to see them for a day or two in a row. I even miss Max, the fluffy beast who has developed a penchant for chewing up my shoes.
We eat together on the patio at their house or mine any night Bella and I have coordinating shifts, but the busyness of summer in a beach town means that I find myself sneaking off to my office most evenings to video call the boys before they go to bed. They like to give me the rundown on their day at school. Arlo loves his teacher, Jaxson and Finley love that they're in the same class, and Bella is just grateful they've all settled in and made friends so quickly.
When I'm not working the weekend, we take the boys to the beach or Lake Eola. The first weekend of September, Sullivan, Garrett, Tanya, and the girls join us. None of them question the potentially odd grouping, but Bella and I keep it strictly PG. It's torture not being able to hold her hand like Garrett holds Tanya's and I almost throw caution to the wind a hundred times that one day to taste the lemon ice cream on her lips or shut her up when she and Tanya tease me for my choice of vanilla.
Sleepovers at my house become a thing the boys request because they like being able to make use of the pool first thing in the morning, and Sullivan is on-hand to play soccer with them whenever they want. He's made no mention of wanting to head back to his mom, so I'm content to let him stay here as long as he wants.
Fall brings slightly cooler weather, but only slightly. It's still hot enough that I can easily get a rise out of Bella just by walking around without my shirt. For this newly-thirty-nine-year-old, it's a huge confidence boost to see the effect I have on her.
The first night they all stay over, I leave Sullivan entertaining the boys and Max and take Bella's hand to lead her up the stairs. My heart begins to race as we stop at the top of the stairs, her feet taking her left, mine taking us right.
"This way," I urge her gently, licking my dry lips.
Confused but not unwilling, she follows me down the hall and waits patiently as I slowly slide the door open. Her quiet sigh when the room comes into view makes me nervous. My palms are clammy, but her fingers squeeze tighter around mine so I can only wipe one on my shorts.
"Edward…"
The pale purple walls are no more. The carpet Kate insisted on is also gone, the hardwood underneath varnished and gleaming in the evening sunlight streaming through the window. Sullivan and I spent our spare time this week painting the room a soft mint green and tossing out all the furniture and bedding that matched the old color scheme.
Stepping further into the room, Bella pulls me with her. I watch with bated breath as her fingertips trail over the top of the new dresser before finding the footboard of my new bed.
"When I took you to the guest room before, it wasn't because I didn't want you in here." My voice seems overly loud in the otherwise silent room. Bella tilts her head in my direction, but doesn't make eye contact. "I didn't want my memories of this room," of Kate and I, "to taint us. The bed is new, all the bedding…"
"It's a fresh start," she finally whispers just when I'm beginning to think I've made a monumental error.
"Yes," I agree hesitantly, a sigh of relief gusting from my lips when she abruptly turns to wrap her arms around my waist and press her face against my chest. "Do you like it?"
I want her to like it. I want her to want to be here, with me. I want to make new memories here, with her.
"It's beautiful, Edward." Stretching up onto her tiptoes, she presses her mouth against mine, the salty taste of tears on her lips. Worried, I pull back and brush the back of my hand over her wet cheek. Her smile puts my mind at ease, but not completely. "This is a huge step for you. I'm proud and happy and all the feels."
All the...Right.
Smiling, I pop a kiss on the tip of her nose. "It's a huge step for us, not just me."
As September passes us by, my trip looms on the horizon. I'm looking forward to seeing my parents, my brother, and his family, but I'm going to miss the shit out of Bella and the boys. I'm also concerned that Mom is going to take the opportunity to press me about Kate, but that will have to be dealt with if it comes up and not before. I don't want to start out on a bad note.
The day before my flight out, I spend a rare lazy morning sunning myself by the pool. It will be a good deal colder in Utah than it is here, so I make use of the new adirondack chair Charlie and Renee got me for my birthday and park myself in the backyard. Throughout the morning I receive texts from Mom, Sullivan, and Bella.
Mom wants to remind me that she's going to have Dad or Jasper collect me from the airport, so I don't need to rent a car.
Sullivan is having a whale of a time with his buddies in Miami before he'll fly out to Salt Lake City to join me at the end of the week. He's looking forward to seeing Dad, Jasper, Alice, and Matty. Mom, not so much. I don't blame him, really. Their relationship has always been strained.
And Bella...I snort when I open her message and see the attached picture. She's at an intensive puppy training course with Max. It's run by the shelter she got him from, but she's had to drive a bit further out because the closer class was full.
I hate him.
In the picture, obviously taken slyly judging by the angle, all the other dogs are sitting nicely. Max, however, is sprawled out on his back with his legs in the air and his tongue lolling out the side of his jowls.
At least you can't say you have a boring dog, I type, grinning when she shoots back an eye roll emoji.
The morning passes slowly with no Max, no boys, Sullivan, or Bella to distract me. In fact, I'm so bored of sitting by myself that I jump up when my phone rings a couple of hours later, hoping to see Jones's or Garrett's names so they can ask me to come help at the restaurant.
Hot stuff calling...
"Fuckin' Sully," I grumble, sliding the green button across the screen with my thumb to answer the call as I glance at the clock. I thought the class was running until two, and it's barely noon. "Hey, short stuff. Is everythin' okay? Max didn't get the boot already, did he?"
"No, no," Bella huffs, instantly putting me on alert. It sounds like she's running. "I need to ask you a huge favor, and I really wouldn't if I had another choice, but I don't."
Torn between worry and hurt that she's only turning to me because she has to, I ask what she needs.
"I've just had a call from Arlo's teacher and he's throwing up everywhere. Mom and Dad are out of town, Rosalie went with them, Ben and Ang took Danny to see her parents, and Everly is no closer than I am because she's at a swim meet in Jacksonville. I've tried everyone I can think of and nobody can go get him."
My heart takes off at a sprint as my stomach does a flip. Can I do this?
"I'm so sorry, Edward, don't worry, I'll try—"
"No, it's…" Swallowing hard, I force the words from my mouth even though I'm not sure I mean them. "I'll be fine. I'll go get him. Will they know to expect me?" Bella quickly runs through the new protocol the kindergarten operates—a password system so that only people who know the code can collect each individual child—before telling me she'll be as quick as she can. She's just jumping in the car and the GPS says she'll be a little over an hour if there's traffic.
"Do you still have keys to Mom and Dad's to get his seat?"
"Yeah, I have the keys. It's fine, Bella," I grunt, swiping my keys from the kitchen counter on my way through the house. "I'll see you in a bit."
After running to Charlie and Renee's to get Arlo's seat, the drive to the school takes minutes, but it feels like a lifetime. My senses start to shut down one by one, my heart pounding so hard I can feel it in my ears and my toes. My hands white-knuckle the steering wheel as I turn onto the street I've successfully avoided for six years.
I haven't been back since that day. The day Tyler Crowley got in his car after taking a cocktail of drugs that should have killed him but killed my daughter instead. He wasn't coherent enough to know the sheet of paper which flew past his windshield wasn't going to damage his car. He swerved, slamming straight into the trunk of my Jeep.
A sick sense of irony means that the only available parking spot is almost exactly where I was parked that day. Swallowing bile, I switch off the engine and take a few deep breaths to stave off the panic attack threatening. White spots dance in the back of my eyes, breathlessness stealing my composure until I remind myself that Arlo is waiting.
Willow is gone, but Arlo is here and he needs me.
A woman who introduces herself as Miss Mickey greets me when I push through the glass doors and bark the password at her. I'm sure I look a state, but she doesn't say anything. She pokes her head into a little room just off the reception area, then Arlo appears. He's white as a sheet and his face is streaked with tears as he hiccups and tells me he's been sick, a paper bag clutched tight in his little hands.
"Oh, buddy," I whisper, crouching to wipe his face with the sleeve of my henley. "It's okay. Let's get you home, huh?"
"'Kay." Scooping him into my arms, I thank Miss Mickey and take Arlo's backpack, carrying him out to the car. Once he's buckled in and comfy, I press the back of my hand against his forehead and wince. He's hot.
"Do you have some water in that big bag of yours?"
"I think so…" His chest heaves in a big, shaky breath and his eyes fill with tears; he doesn't bother brushing them away when they start to fall. "B-but I don't wanna drink it, Easy. I f-feel sick and it makes me feel sicker."
"It's okay, buddy, you're okay. You're just hot, that's all." Plucking him back out of his seat as he melts down, I lean on the car and cradle him in my arms until he's calmer and less likely to make himself sick by crying. "It's okay, I've got you." Sucking in a deep breath, I rub his back. "I've got you, buddy."
Arlo clings tighter, his little arms wrapped around my neck, and I bury my face in his hair as my eyes squeeze shut.
~ oOo ~
"He's fine now, he's resting. He's been drinking lots of water and managed a few crackers." Bella passes the door, shooting me a small smile as she listens to whatever Renee is saying on the phone. Looking back at Arlo, who insisted I get into his mom's bed with him when she tucked him in, I lightly run my fingers through his hair and sigh.
It's been a rough day.
Since getting home, Arlo's been sick a bunch more times and cried almost constantly. He wants to be held but he's too hot, and he wants to eat but every time he does, it comes right back up. Seeing him so miserable wrecks me. It's even worse knowing that come tomorrow, I'll be leaving him—leaving Bella to handle everything by herself. She's more than capable, but I want to help. I want to be here for her, for Arlo, for all of them.
The thought of cancelling or delaying my trip has crossed my mind once or a hundred times this afternoon. It's only the fact that I promised Matty I'd come watch the final of his soccer tournament tomorrow that stops me checking out alternative flights.
"Hey," Bella breathes a few minutes later, quietly closing the door behind her. "Jax and Finn are out and Max is fast asleep in his bed."
"That's good," I smile, waving her over. "Get over here. You look beat."
The dark shadows under Bella's eyes make me feel guiltier for leaving, but she shakes her head and assures me she's fine as she ducks into the bathroom. When she returns, she's wearing a set of silky blue pajamas that contrast beautifully with her summer tan. If we didn't have Arlo between us, his head resting on my chest, I'd be all over her.
Snuggling down with her gaze trained intently on us, her eyes soft but her thoughts running wild behind them, Bella sighs long and low, her smile weak. "We're going to miss you."
"I could stay," I offer, trying to work out what I could tell Mom and Dad if I flew out just for the weekend rather than the planned two weeks. "I have one thing I need to do, but I could come right back."
"No, don't be silly. You need to go see your family." The atmosphere in the room shifts as she fiddles with the edge of the thin blanket covering Arlo.
"Go on. Say whatever's on your mind. I'm an open book when it comes to you, Bella." It's something I've wanted to say for a while now, but not until I meant it. I mean it now. Anything she wants to know, I'll tell her.
Chewing her lip for a moment, she finally asks, "What happened with you and Kate?"
Even though I'd figured this question was coming eventually, I wasn't necessarily expecting it now. Blowing out a big breath, I manage a faint smile. "Start with the big questions, huh?"
"Sorry." She winces. "It's been playing on my mind."
"It's okay. It's a conversation we need to have. I can't lie, I have questions for you, too."
Bella nods. "That's fair, and I'll answer any questions you have."
"All right." Steeling myself for a difficult conversation, I shift down, almost laughing at Arlo's sleepy grumbles when I jostle him a little. Reminding myself that this is Bella, I ready myself to tell her something I've never told another soul. I can feel the chill seeping into my veins as I cast my mind back. "Well, Kate and I were on the rocks long before Willow…We were on different paths, wanted different things. She's always wanted more than what I could give her. She never wanted Jackson Bay like I did."
I feel foolish now, looking back. It was so obvious that she was pulling away, that she had no intention of making the bay her home like I had. Of course, I never expected her to cheat on me.
"She was having an affair for most of our marriage," I admit into the quiet room, watching Bella's brows pinch together. "She was sleeping with one of her co-workers from around a year after we got married. The whole time I was here, setting up a home for us, for our family…I was paying for our IVF treatment and the whole time…"
"She was with him," Bella breathes, reaching across Arlo to hold my hand. "I'm so sorry, Edward."
"I'm not," I admit, but my thoughts are flying around. It's not Kate's infidelity that bothers me, not anymore. "I was hurt when I found out, of course I was, but it was…"
It was her words that undid me. My heart thunders away in my chest, my stomach turning, as I replay the words she hurled at me the morning after we buried Willow.
Tossing a file of papers on the end table, she shakes her head. "I'm done, Edward. We're done."
"What?" Staring blankly up at her, whiskey goggles firmly in place, I feel myself shaking my head. "Why are you doing this? Now? We just buried our daughter, Kate." Angry now, I bang my fist on the table. She flinches. "Our daughter just died and you're doing this now?"
"For God's sake, Edward!" she cries, throwing her hands in the air as tears leak over her cheeks. "She's not even your daughter!"
My ears ring so loud I can't hear it when she curses and tugs her hair out of its messy bun.
Not even my…
"Wh-what?"
Kate's tears always used to make me feel bad. I've always hated seeing her cry. Her composure crumples as she sags into the wingback chair across from me. "I don't know...she might be James's."
She might be James's. Not...not mine?
I'm pulled from my memories by the sound of Bella biting out a quiet curse. Tears stream over her cheeks as she carefully slides Arlo away from me, taking his place so she can kneel over my stomach and wrap her arms around my chest as she buries her face in the crook of my neck.
"I hate her," she cries against my skin, squeezing me tight, knitting me back together the way she has been for weeks now. "I hate her so much. How could she do that to you?"
"She didn't care about me," I croak, my voice thick with emotion and the lump that lodges itself in my throat every time I think of that day. I'd just buried my daughter and she chose that moment to tell me Willow might not have been mine in the first place. I'll never forgive her for that. "Willow was mine, Bella." Pulling back to look at me, her eyes red and still leaking fat tears that break my heart, Bella cocks her head. "I don't need a DNA test to tell me that that little girl was my little girl. Nobody will take that away from me. Not Kate and certainly not James."
Cupping my face between her small palms, Bella breathes out a shaky sigh. "I can't even...you're so strong, Edward. So much stronger than you believe."
I'm not sure she's right, but I choose to believe her anyway. Pulling her down into my side, I carefully slide Arlo back over and tuck him into my other side. Carefully, Bella adjusts the blanket so it's over all three of us before pressing a kiss right over my still-racing heart.
"I've never told anybody what I just told you," I whisper into the darkness when she switches off the lamp.
"I'm so glad you trust me enough to share that with me. I won't break your trust, Edward," she whispers back, snuggling in tight.
"I know that."
And I do.
Just like I know that I've fallen head over heels for Jaxson, Finley, and Arlo as if they're my own sons. I'm not their dad, but I wish I could be. Going forward, whatever they want from me, whatever role they need me to fill, I'll be there.
I'm more content now than I have been since the day my little girl was taken from me. My smiles come more frequently, my breaths easier—it's all because of them and their momma. I'll never forget Willow or stop grieving for the life she would have lived, but I'm slowly realizing that I can live for the both of us.
I'm a black and white page in Arlo's picture book. Bella and the boys are the watercolors bleeding between the lines, bringing me back to life.
The woman in my arms, she's it for me. She's the fire I lost when Willow slipped away from me, the joy I forgot how to feel, and the calm I've been searching for.
She's the woman I love.
Next update: Wednesday
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