And she never wanted to leave
The ones she had lost and the ones she had found
And the ones who had loved her the most
The look on Micah's face is smug, and Y/N feels the red burning on her cheeks, she is sure she is as red as a tomato. She feels like it anyway. An awkward silence has fallen over the camp, which just moments ago was filled with singing, laughing and dancing. Even Javier has stopped strumming on his guitar.
And Micah is looking so so very smug. 'What? She never told you she fancied you?' Micah mocks, Arthur's gaze betraying nothing. He is looking frighteningly neutral. The silence becomes longer and longer, and the tension and embarassment can be felt in the air.
Y/N does not wait any longer for anyone to react, not Dutch, not Hosea, not Arthur, or anyone else. Mary-Beth and Tilly call her name several times, but the only thing that answers them is silence. Y/N has disappeared into the woods and only comes out the next morning, pretending nothing ever happened.
No one dares to mention it, since Y/N goes silent and Arthur angry, a furious glare thrown at anyone who even dares to breathe a word about it. So it is swept under the rug, waiting for the correct time to be mentioned again.
If only Y/N knew Arthur does this for her. So she can save the remaining dignity that she has.
You wake up with a strangled scream, your mouth still opened in a silent shout. Another night, another memory. You look dishelved, and try to ignore the red eyes that are looking back at you in your reflection.
You ignore how you look and frankly don't care, these days. You only ever wanted to be pretty for him, only ever cared that he thought you beautiful, and now that he is gone, you make sure you look respectable, and that's all the effort you care to make.
You sigh as you put on your dress, the corset tight around your stomach and upper body. You close the door to your room, and walk down the stairs, greeting the mistress of the house.
After everything went down with Micah and Dutch, you needed to reinvent yourself. You searched for months, but when you found no one of your once tight group, you went back to Saint-Denis and have stayed there ever since.
You work as a nanny for a rich family, and you frankly love it. The kids are adorable, and though the master and mistress expect some level of you looking respectable, they are kind enough in their own way. They never mention your past, nor where you came from.
They call tell by the look in your eyes that you have lived and seen a lot, and so they keep quiet, ignoring the screaming at night when you have yet another nightmare.
The summer is really here now, and it is so hot that you decide to go to the park. You sit down with James and Catherine, the children you are a nanny to, both kids too tired and hot to move much in the sweltering heat.
And she never wanted to leave, never wanted to leave
Never wanted to leave, never wanted to leave
'Y/N?' You hear a voice ask, and you go ramrod straight. 'Tilly?' You whisper, your voice scratchy from misuse. You do not talk often these days.
'How are you?' Tilly asks later, when you have decided to meet up at the saloon after your working hours. Tilly has told about her husband and baby, and you can only gush at how cute the babe looks, remembering at one point you also had dreams of having a family. With Arthur.
But that is all gone now.
'I'm...fine.' You shrug, but Tilly can hear the hurt and sadness in your voice. 'What happened?' she eventually asks. You close your eyes and try not to remember, but than it all comes flooding back, like it happened only yesterday, and not years ago.
You are stuck on the cliff, and never before has your situation seemed so desperate. 'Allright, Arthur, come on, let's go.' John says, motioning to follow him. But your eyebrows knit together, worry filling your being as Arthur stops and takes deep breaths. You squeeze his shoulder and give him a worried smile, but he does not smile back, and that worries you even more.
'You go.' Arthur says, shaking his head. 'Take Y/N with you.' You shout at the same time as John says 'Keep pushing, Arthur!' such an angry NO that even Arthur is shocked by the ferocity in your voice. 'I am not leaving you here. You are coming with me, or we are both staying.' You angrily whisper, stepping away from Arthur as he tries to grab you.
'Y/N...' But you keep on shaking your head, stepping back towards the edge, keeping teary eyes on both John and Arthur.
'I think I've pushed all I can.' Arthur grunts, John shaking his head in disbelief. 'You go, and take Y/N with you.' John sighs, grabbing his injured arm. 'We ain't got time for this, not now.' Arthur's gaze falls on you, and than back to John. 'We ain't both gonna make it. So please, do as I ask and take Y/N with you.'
You are still shaking your head, sobs wracking your frame. 'No, Arthur. Please.' You whisper, but it falls on deaf ears.
'Go. Now. I'll hold them off.' John looks at your sobbing form, and wants to shake his head but Arthur is firm. 'It would mean a lot to me, if you take her with you, and leave. Please.'
'Y/N, come here.' And though you are angry with him, you approach. 'I love you.' He grabs your hands in his, the ring he had so long ago given to Mary now glistening in your palm. 'You have brought some good to me, in the last few months.' You bite your lip and give him a watery smile, the gruff man seeming tired and broken.
'I love you. And only you. Never forget that.' You answer him back and than before you know it, shots are ringing around your ears, as John drags you with him, as you scream, scream, beg for Arthur, but he never comes back.
They danced through the day
And into the night through the snow that swept through the hall
From winter to summer then winter again
'Til the walls did crumble and fall
'I lost touch with John. I waited for months, but Arthur did not appear. So I...' Tilly gives you a sad look, grabbing your fingers in a tight but comforting grip. 'You are sure he is dead.' You nod, twirling the ring on your finger.
'I know he is.'
The rest of the evening passes by quickly, and though it is bittersweet, you and Tilly have a merry time, with her promising to keep in touch when you say goodbye, now that you have found one another.
Some more weeks pass by, and summer slowly goes into autumn, the days still warm but not too hot. You try to find solace in the little things, but more often than not you are taken by bitterness and sadness, and you wonder if this will be your life now?
Longing and crying for a man who no longer is here to hold and love you? And keep you safe?
That night, sleep eludes you. It has been hard, even after all those years, for you to sleep alone, when you had gotten used to the weight of another person against your back.
The next morning, you look absolutely dreadful, but your boss is kind enough not to mention it. You wear a darkblue dress today, your hair completely pinned up, as you go into town for some errands.
This time, you recognize the voice that calls your name in disbelief again, and your heart seems to stutter to a stop when you hear who talks to you.
'Y/N?' You turn and your mouth falls open in surprise as John greets you, your momentary stupor replaced by happiness so bright, you start sobbing in place.
John seems a bit bothered, taking you by the hand and going red when a bystander comes to inquire what you are crying about. You manage to mutter that he is not the cause and the man goes on his way.
When you have calmed down, you keep silent as John tells what has happened in recent years. 'I own a farm now, up at Beecher's Hope. We have a room ready for you and Arthur, well now for Arthur alone at the moment, but if you are still willing to come, you can come and live with us...'
You stop John in his ranting, looking up at him with big eyes. 'Arthur?' You croak, as John nods. 'But I...' John grabs your shoulders to steady you as you almost go through your knees. 'Oh no no, Y/N, you thought Arthur was dead?'
You nod silently, trying to keep the tears at bay. The former gunslinger grins and chuckles. 'He is very much alive, I can tell you that.'
And just like that, your heart seems lifted. The chokehold that life had on you seems gone, and you can breathe easily again.
'It is hard work, but if you still want to come and live with us...' You nod, a bright smile breaking through your face.
You resign that same day, and John sticks around for a few days so you can pack, also informing Tilly you are moving to become a farmer, of all things.
But you never wanted the fancy things. Only a simple life, with the man you love. Seems like you will get that still, after all.
'Nervous?' John asks, seeing how tight you wring your hands together. You bite your lip and nod, but than let out a shaky laugh. 'Here it is.' You let out a little gasp in wonder, looking around at how big the place is.
'You did something wonderful with the place, John.' You grin. John hums. 'There is a lot of space, so if you and Arthur ever decide to start a family, we can surely build another cabin.' You give him a watery smile, so very touched by his proposal.
You say nothing, but he knows. How grateful you are.
'Y/N!' a joyful shout comes from the house, Abigail running to you and hugging you tightly, sobbing as you pat her back. 'Hi, Abigail. Hi, Jack!' You greet, the boy nodding and giving you a shy smile. You have not seen him in years, so you can understand he is a bit weary, but you hope that will lessen with time.
Lord, did he grow up!
'Y/N L/N.' A gruff voice greets you, and the world seems to stop turning when your gaze falls upon Arthur. You remember how badly wounded he was. He seems a bit older, a but more wearier, but still as strong.
You are quick to run into his arms, his voice whispering in your ear how much he has missed you.
'I love you.' You whisper, and keep on whispering, head buried in his chest, never letting go.
In the next days, you stick to him like glue, the former gunslinger smirking or shaking his head in disbelief, but he never mentions it.
It is hard work, living at Beecher's Hope, as Arthur and John try to make a living off the animals living at the farm. You more often than not help Abigail around the house, or if it isn't that you are running errands and looking after Jack, but you don't mind.
It feels like home.
The room you have in the house is quite small, for which Abigail apologized profusely, but you don't care.
Your home is where the people you love are, not the place where you live. Though Beecher's Hope is very much starting to feel like it.
You sit on a rocking chair out on the porch at the front of the house that evening, enjoying the last rays of the sun as she is starting to go down. You hear John cursing at Uncle, at which Abigail tells him to stop using foul language, and a fond smile appears on your lips.
The front door opens as Arthur walks out, smoking a cigar and sitting next to you. 'Beautiful, isn't it?' Arthur hums, as you look to the sky darken and stars that slowly appear. 'Very beautiful.' The grumpy cowboy answers, looking at you.
You blush, giving him a warm smile in return and looking back to the stars. 'Still love stargazing, do you?' You nod, closing your eyes and enjoying the calm of the night.
You hear crickets chirping, as you rock back and forth, a strong hand grabbing yours. You clasp your fingers together, giving Arthur a warm smile, chuckling when he kisses your forehead.
A comfortable silence falls between you, as you both look up at the stars, your hand strong in Arthur's.
'I'd never thought I'd have a chance at this life.' Arthur breaks the silence at which you look up in question. Your eyebrows raise in confusion as he snorts, shaking his head. 'But I am happy I can share it with you. Speaking of which...'
You turn to him when you see he seems to be uncomfortable, clearing his throat and a flush appearing on his cheeks. You just open your mouth to ask if he is fine, when the next question makes you almost fall backwards.
But your answer will ofcourse be yes. You'd rather die than spend one more minute apart from this man.
'Will you marry me?'
The ones she had lost and the ones she had found
And the ones who had loved her the most
And she never wanted to leave, never wanted to leave
Never wanted to leave,…