Snow. Snow blanketing the ground, snow lining the otherwise barren branches of the tall and skinny trees, snow here, snow there, snow fricking everywhere. The glistening white powder caught my eye the moment I stepped out into the cold and the door clicked shut behind me. It alienated me, as if I already hadn't felt out of place enough in the Underground. I couldn't even remember the last time I'd seen snow, if I ever had at all. Ebott certainly didn't provide with much weather variation, other than 'cold,' 'kind of hot," and 'really hot,' or on rare occasions, a drizzle of rain.
As I took my first steps onto the squishy substance and heard the soft crunching sounds under my feet, the four year old trapped inside my body immediately wanted to drop everything and start throwing together snowballs and snowmen and igloos and anything else it could think of to discover all of the wondrous fun I'd been missing out on my entire life. After all, the closest I'd come to snow had been watching other people interact with it in TV shows and movies. Little-me was burning with jealousy, and had been for a long time.
...Meanwhile, back in that sucky place known as reality, the much more rational and potent part of me was fuming and cursing the snow for soaking through my sneakers so quickly and demanded to know how the hell monsters managed to get snow and trees in the god damn Underground. Granted these weren't the first trees I'd come across, but the last one had at least been half-dead and suffering. These ones seemed very, very alive, even without any foliage. Maybe it was the snow? Maybe I was just crazy?
I attempted to shrug it off and started forward again, pulling my bare arms to my chest for warmth. Every breath I exhaled appeared it front of me in a wisp before spiraling off into the open air. I'd been plucked from the stove and chucked into the freezer in some bizarre, reverse-cooking project, with nothing but my T-shirt and jeans to protect me from the chilling air. Looking on the brightside, at least there wasn't any wind chill. Although that meant next to nothing when there wasn't a giant, fiery ball hanging around in the sky to heat things up.
What was that thing called again? Oh, yeah. THE SUN.
Damn, how long had it been since the last time I'd seen it? Somewhere around two days by now, but it felt like a lifetime. It boggled my mind how long I'd taken something so simple as seeing the sun every day for granted. For a long time, I'd pictured it as a sort of beacon or a splash of color in the blank canvas that was Ebott's sky. Even though it'd become more same-old same-old over time, I felt a little lost without it...
My hair suddenly stood up on end, and I froze. Not literally, thank God, although I'd be lying if I said it would've surprised me at this point.
I know I wasn't making it up. A twig had snapped behind me.
I was being followed.
Quietly, I slipped my toy knife and the Almighty Stick into my hands and started walking again, faster this time, ignoring the goosebumps all over my skin biting and nipping in protest. My eyes scanned the shadowy canopy for any sign of movement, but found none. I spun around as the sounds of footsteps sloshing through the snow flooded my ears, but again, I found nothing, not even an imprint in the powder other than my own.
"C-come out, c-c-c-coward," I stammered. It was a hell of a lot harder to sound threatening when your lips were frozen half-shut, and you ended up stuttering like an old cassette tape.
I listened again, more intently this time. Nothing, not even a rustle of wind.
"Aw, c-c'mon, I'm g-getting lonely out here a-all by myself. C-c-c-could use a good p-punching bag to w-warm up."
Total silence was the only response I got. Typical.
I half expected a snowball to materialize out of thin air and come hurtling at my face, but I couldn't have even been so lucky. Instead I stood there for half a minute waiting for nothing in particular to happen. You could practically hear the trees' nervous coughs and whispers. "Who is this kid talking too? Does he need help? No, like, help help."
...Holy shit, maybe I did need help help. I'd been away from humanity only two days and I was already imagining the trees were out to get me. 'Course my surprisingly dense history with talking flora and narrowly avoiding death left me just a little bit cautious. As if anyone else who'd seen Flowey's true nature would be any better off, probably shitting themselves anytime they saw a dandelion for the next twenty years.
I took another few steps forward, weapons at the ready, and another twig snapped behind me. Whoever, or whatever, was sneaking up on me must've been new at this whole, "stealth," thing. I hadn't even noticed at sticks poking out of the snow in the first place. They literally had to be going out of their way to make sure I knew they were tailing me.
"A t-t-toddler in h-high h-heels would be stealthier than y-you," I yelled to the empty space surrounding me.
The words echoed through the eerily silent forest. Any and all sounds my pursuer was making halted.
Skeptical, but mostly just tired of freezing my ass off, I took off running further down the path. If they wanted to jump out and take a swing at my head, let 'em try. It'd be their mistake.
A few minutes went by completely devoid of any excitement, and the door to the ruins soon fell back far enough to disappear altogether. The craving for a warm fire grew stronger with each step I took, and, no matter how much I resisted and beat myself up for it, thoughts of Toriel and her warm, humble abode eventually crept back in to my mind. Sitting by the warm fire in that impossibly comfortable looking chair of hers, face stuck in one of her boring old books to lull myself to sleep, a recently emptied container that held a steaming hot cinnamon-butterscotch pie only moments before...
...Toriel's comforting presence, as she had fallen asleep at the dinner table, gentle snores calming my already tranquil as hell nerves-
"-Human."
Whoa. Talk about a wake up call. The voice came so unexpectedly and so close to the back of my head I stopped dead in my tracks on impulse alone. My lack of wariness was going to get me killed.
"Y-you have t-ten seconds to back the hell off, or I'll sh-sh-shove this stick so far up your...p-places, you'll feel it for the rest of your life," I threatened in a steely voice to match my pursuer's, without turning my body. I'd have finished with "ass," but I hadn't seen it yet, and for all I knew, this monster could just be a walking potato salad or something.
A stressful four or five seconds filled the air. With each passing moment, my grip on the hilts of my weapons tightened. I was ready to spring into action at the slightest hint of movement from behind me. Should I force them into making the first move, or attack while they thought I was waiting for them to back down?
"...Oh come on, don't you know how to greet a new pal?" the voice came again, slow, harsh, and malicious like a knife across flesh, and so close I could practically feel their icy breathing down my neck.
"Three seconds left," I said as nonchalant as humanly possible. Get ready to jump at nine.
"Turn around and shake my hand."
It wasn't a request. Unfortunately for this poor sap, I've never been one to answer kindly to requests.
...Wait, but if it wasn't a request...screw it, who cares?!
Quickly, without even blinking, I spun around and simultaneously jumped back, watching the trees and snow rush by me in a blur, and putting myself at what I hoped was just the right distance to swipe at my stalker with the tip of the Almighty Stick. Without being able to see how close he was to me, I ended up misjudging the distance, and bounded way too far to do anything, looking more clueless than a horse being led into a glue factory.
I shouldn't have been too worried, judging by the appearance of my 'attacker.' They looked sullen, like they had a case of the seasonal depression, bent over with their face covered by the hood of a dark blue hoodie. At a first glance, I'd say this was the most human-like thing I'd encountered since falling into the Underground, with it's stout body, two legs, two arms, and the...shape of the top of it's head, I guess.
"Hey, no need to freak out. Just shake it...trust me."
Yeah, okay 'pal'. Somehow the shady outfit and the totally not-at-all threatening voice isn't doing wonders to convince me.
It slowly extended its hand out to me, (again, not threatening at all.) I could take a guess or two as to what he wanted me to do with it.
Two things immediately caught my attention. First, and the more notable of the two, his hand was bony. And I don't just mean "bony" as in you could see the outline of his bones poking out of his skin, I mean he just did away with the whole "flesh" thing altogether. Gross, but nothing too strange compared to everything else. The second made me feel dumber than a bag of rocks, smashed with a mallet, and tossed out in the rain where it would forever go without even an elementary school education.
I lowered my arms slightly, narrowed my eyes till they could pierce a speeding bullet out of the air and said, "Dude, the joke doesn't w-work if I can see the whoopee cushion between y-y-your fingers."
An awkward silence followed after I killed and gutted his attempt at humor. I'd eased up, but was still prepared to defend myself if he changed his mind and made the mistake of attacking me. Thankfully, he all he did was cut short the silence as he lifted his head.
When he spoke again, any molecule of caution left in my melted away. "Aw, but the old whoopee cushion in the hand trick is always funny!"
A disturbingly big, goofy grin spread across half of his face, which was saying a lot, considering how huge it was, and the rest was all bone. Just like his fingers, he didn't seem to care much for blood, skin, and all that good stuff, only a skull such a deep white it made the snow jealous, complete with a couple of nose holes and wide eye sockets with glowing white pupils.
In any other scenario, I can say with total certainty that my shit would have been flipped like a pancake, but stuff like living skeletons sort of came second nature by now. I was numb to anything this world could throw at me. Or maybe numb from the cold, same difference.
"Yeesh, h-how l-l-long you spend six f-feet under to come o-out looking l-like that," I chattered.
He shrugged. "Not sure, it's been awhile. How about you?" The malice in his voice had vanished like the feeling in my arms. Instead, he sounded blatantly uninterested, even a little dopey, accented by his slouch and his hands folded into the pockets of his hoodie, like he couldn't care less about the human freezing his ass off in front of him. It almost bothered me more than the fact he was a living, breathing skeleton whose frigging mouth didn't even move when he spoke. The voice just seeped through the space between his teeth, but still sounded clear as day. Everything else I'd come across before had been either ready to help me, or ready to kill me at a moments notice. Even Napstablook technically attacked me, even if I basically had to coax him into it.
"Hey, kid, anyone home? Or are you experiencing a...brain freeze."
Oh for Christ's sake, just let me get hypothermia and die now.
"Another f-funny guy, eh? W-well you'd best q-quit while y-y-you're ahead," I warned, eyeing him up and down. Each observation I made of him made me less and less afraid. Short, for one thing, a whole head shorter than me at least, and chubby. How does one become a chubby skeleton? Pumping your bones full of hot air? "I've n-never lost an insult war, a-and I don't plan on i-it today. Especially t-to a w-w-walking dog magnet."
My insult didn't seem to phase him in the slightest, in fact, I swore it only broadened his grin. "You're a human, right?"
Damn, death by hypothermia had never been so appealing. "Y-yeah, and y-you're skeleton. Wanna write a b-b-b-book about it?"
"Hilarious." Without pausing, he added; "I'm Sans. Sans the Skeleton."
"Yeah, and I'm H-hank, the H-human," I scoffed, turning my back on 'Sans the sucky, skin churning, suicide-inducing skeleton.' If he was hanging around out here, there was probably another city nearby for me to warm up at, even if it meant fighting through waves and waves of more incredibly incompetent monsters. Plus the clump of trees still left me on edge with that oppressive, claustrophobic feeling, and that DAMN child-like desire to throw a snowball was really starting to get on my nerves.
"Well, H-hank, the H-human, I'd hold on a second if I were you," he called to the back of my head.
Just ignore him, I told myself.
"A-and spend another s-second out here in the d-damn snow!?" I snapped, spinning around to face him. Damn, he could not wipe that smile off his face. "I'll pass, S-sans." Then, pivoting around again, I added, as clear as I could; "And my name's not god damn 'Hank.'"
Well, that lasted about two seconds. Maybe next time we'll actually ignore them for a full minute before blowing up.
"C'mon kid, don't go losing your cool on me already," he goaded, sliding up alongside me and falling into step, matching my pace perfectly. "Usually it takes people at least a couple of minutes before my jokes drive them insane. Are all humans this stand-offish?"
Where's the off switch on this guy? Or self-destruct button, either would be fine. Sans may have been right about my losing my cool, because my face felt red-hot all of a sudden. "Heh, yeah, I-I wish. Kinda was praying y-you'd be the same way."
To my surprise, he actually nodded. "Yeah, I feel you. 'Don't always like to be around people, myself."
I blinked. Surely, he wasn't sincere. He was just indulging me for the sake of getting me to listen. Well, too bad. I wasn't biting.
I pocketed my weapons and started to jog, half to lose Sans, and half to trap any trace of heat left in my body.
"Hey kid, slow down!"
Somehow, Sans was already trailing behind me, the crushing of snow beneath his footsteps my only indication of how close he was, even though I was running at a snail's pace. The snow had risen up past my ankles, drenching the bottoms of my jeans and slowing me even further, as if I was wading through a river.
"Keep up, then!" I yelled back. "Y-you gotta trudge through this sh-sh-shit all the time!" I had no way of actually knowing if he did or not, and no way of physically caring either.
A couple of minutes flew by without me paying Sans, or the world, another thought. My feet started moving without any input from my brain, and the path remained remarkably unremarkable and linear, so I allowed myself to drift off, convinced I'd lost Sans a ways back.
In a strange way, it felt good to be out running again, even in such shitty conditions. Anything semi-familiar felt refreshing by this point.
Soon, I wasn't even trudging through the snow anymore. It melted and flooded away all at once in a massive waterfall, and my feet were pounding on the cracked, rundown sidewalk, sweating from the scorching heat. Anyone who got in my way I either shoved or dashed around, depending on how likely they were to chase after and beat the living shit out of me. 'Course, ticking off the big and tough guys could be awfully exciting when you were in the right mood.
These were the only moments I could ever tolerate in Ebott, those where most of the crappiness in the city was a part of the background, and the rest was my playground. It felt oddly bittersweet to be here again, doing the things I enjoyed in a place that, no matter how hard I tried, came close to feeling like home.
Sparks went flying in my brain. That's why I need to go back, I realized. I had to finally perfect the route I'd been working half my life on to take me all around the city, then leave it all behind for good, once and for all, close the book on the last chapter, other random analogy.
I smiled to myself as I past by nameless person number one-thousand and sixty-three. I couldn't put my finger on it, but for whatever reason, everything felt better. Normally being back in Ebott would've been bittersweet, returning to a home I'd been trying to get away from, but here, I was exhilarated to be back. Maybe it was the air, cleaner than usual, or maybe it was the trees, greener than usual, or the growing speck of blue...I mean, the skeleton blocking my way, more...um...existent...than usual...
Wait, what-
"So, now that I've finally caught up with-"
"-THE HELL DID YOU-"
I panicked and stumbled, tripping over my own feet like a moron. I threw my hands out to catch myself, but there wasn't anything solid to grasp onto, and I ended up tumbling head over heels into the snow. The icy cold clawed at my face and neck, smothering me like the world's most dickish pillow.
I jumped to my feet, furiously swiping at the lingering chunks of the hellish sludge and cursed at nothing in particular. God, forget anything little me every thought or said, I wanted to be as far away from this as possible. I wanted to be back in one million degrees Fahrenheit Ebott, because any form of torture in the world was better than being near here.
"Hey, kid, chill out, it's just snow."
My eyes shot open. Sans' face was suddenly the most punch-able in the entire world. Or maybe it'd always been like that. "M-make one more pun and I'll tear your spine out your asshole!"
He frowned, but his mouth never fully closed, leaving him in a bizarre open-mouthed frown. I barely noticed, though, because I was so busy being angrier than a nuclear explosion.
Sans shut up long enough for me to scrape the last of the snow of my face. It still stung, but it was bearable at least.
"...Sorry 'bout all the puns," Sans muttered. "Can't help myself sometimes. Or all the times."
I sighed, letting out a hint of my frustration through my breath. "Yeah, whatever, it's f-fine," I managed. Even though I was still angry, and freezing, and in pain, and homesick, and hated home, a.k.a. anything but fine.
I scrambled to dig up everything that'd gone flying out of my pockets during the fall. Almighty Stick, crappy toy knife, some gold coins, cellphone, and that revolting spider cider I only hung on to as a last resort. Pretty much everything I owned now, aside from the clothes on my back and any belongings I had laying around back on the surface. 'Course, that extra gold certainly couldn't hurt hanging onto. Hell, who knows. They might be my one-way ticket outta Ebott when I made it back.
"...You know, I'm actually supposed to be on the watch for humans right now," San's voice floated over. I caught him lounging against the side of a tree, one leg furled in front of the other like a...pretzel made of bone. Tasty. "But..."
"Lemme guess," I interjected just as I'd finished sorting my crap. "Y-you don't really care?"
Sans smiled at me sheepishly and folded his arms behind his head. "Heh, yeah, pretty much," he admitted. "Capturing people isn't really my style."
"Damn, you're l-lucky." I began. "On the surface, k-kidnapping people is considered 'illegal,' and, 'inhumane,' for some r-r-reason. Wonder why."
"Not much 'humane' about us down here, huh?" he said with a snicker, and a hint of something else in his voice. Anger? "Kid, it's not like we run around throwing each other into burlap sacks. That's reserved for you humans alone. Mostly."
"Looking forward to it," I mumbled. Somehow, I didn't think I could trust his word. The 'I couldn't care less' shtick was a pretty lame excuse. Toriel had mentioned them needing me dead to return to the surface. Comforting. But how in the hell would killing me help them claw their way outta here? "So, h-how exactly did you get in fr-front of me? Last I'd checked, I was leaving you in th-the dust."
"Preeeeety sure that's snow, not dust, kid. And besides, I know a shortcut of two around here."
I hesitated to respond. "...Alright, f-fair enough." It made enough sense he'd know this place better than I did, anyways. Although I was, or I thought I was, apparently, taking the most direct path possible. Can't exactly get more direct than a straight fricking line.
"If you're keen on listening now, you should know I have a brother around here. And lemme tell ya, if you thought I was bad, he's human-hunting FANATIC."
A brother? The idea of a second assault of pun making from another skeleton sent a shiver down my spine. "So he c-cares a ton," I guessed.
"You catch on pretty quick, huh?" Sans slid off the tree and gestured further down the path that just didn't feel like ending. "He's patrolling somewhere over there. Lucky for you, I have an idea."
"Turn me in?" I suggested. Aside from Tori, this was officially the absolute fastest someone expected me to trust them. Only difference was Tori didn't come off like the kind of guy selling 'candy' to kids off the street. "'Cause if that's your b-big master plan, then quit wasting m-my time."
Sans' only immediate reply was a half-assed shrug and the same exact facial expression. "Alright, go ahead, get yourself captured," he said cheerily. "I won't try and stop you."
I nodded, waved my hand in a weak good-bye, and marched past him without a second thought. Hey, as far as I was concerned, him leaving me alone was a win for both of us. Another moment we had to put up with each other could've well lead to nuclear war.
"My bro has been practicing his cooking lately." Just as I thought I was in the clear, I felt Sans' gaze burning through the back of my head. "I wonder how grilled human would taste with a bowl of spaghetti?"
Sheesh, way to turn the tables on me. It wasn't much, but the threat made me simultaneously want his help more and less somehow. Subconsciously, the though of being butchered, grilled, and served to be devoured by living skeletons and god knows what else scared the living hell out of me.
And the way he said it...
...Lets just say Sans could sound pretty intimidating when he wanted too. And the air wasn't the only thing that was icy and chilling around here.
"...F-fine, we'll do it your way," I said, effectively surrendering my soul and putting the life in the hands of...Christ, what was I getting into? "But if you get m-me killed, I'll be saving a nice, warm spot for you in Hell."
"So I get a win either way?"
Holy shit, I'm never getting out of here.
"Relax kid, no need to tense up like that. I'm just playing with you." I hate to admit my skin crawled as his arm grazed past mine. "Here, follow me through the gate thingy," Sans said. "My bro made the bars too wide to stop anyone."
Sure enough, we came instantly came up to a row of wood posts set up in a crappy, splintering gate, and indeed, the bars were too wide to keep anything smaller than an elephant out. If his brother was more incompetent at capturing people than a ninja with sticks of butter for limbs, was I really in desperate need of Sans' help? That would be like officers requesting back-up and deploying a tank to stop a pack of bloodthirsty jaywalkers. It seemed like overkill by that point.
Finally, the thick wall of trees parted, and we stumbled into a clearing with nothing but snow and...the weirdest lamp I'd ever seen taking up space.
"He's on his way over here. Quick, hide behind that conveniently shaped lamp!" Sans exclaimed without even the tiniest amount of worry, shoving me from behind with metric shit-tons of force.
"W-what are you-"
"-Shh. I told you to trust me right?" he countered, flashing me that same not-at-all convincing grin.
I sighed internally and ducked behind...wow, he wasn't kidding about the lamp. It'd looked strange before, but up close, it was even stranger. The shade and body of the lamp matched the shapes of my head and torso disturbingly well, as if it were made for me in this exact situation. Either monsters had a weird sense of style, or...
...Did they know I was coming?
"SANS!" The shrill yet ear-shattering loud scream blasted through the icy air.
I flinched, but recovered quickly, jumping behind the lamp without anymore resistance. That's fine, I thought. Didn't need that eardrum anyways.
"Sup, bro?" I heard Sans mumble.
Carefully peering out from behind my expert hiding place, I spotted a taller, thinner skeleton stomping into view. You could practically see the steam shooting out of his...well, ear-holes.
"You know what 'sup' brother!" He berated, eyes wide. "It's been eight days, and you still haven't. Recalibrated. Your. Puzzles!"
Oh dear god, someone shoot me now. It took every bit of logic and reasoning I had left to keep from tearing my own ears off. This guy squealed more than a pig in a slaughter house. Not to mention he looked ready for Halloween, dressed in a bizarre half-assed knight costume.
"You hang around outside your station," he continued, tossing his bright orange scarf-cape-thingy out of his face, looking ready to launch into full rant/lecture mode. "What are you even doing?"
"Staring at this lamp," Sans said casually...Hold up, what'd he say?! "It's really cool. Do you wanna look?"
I don't know why I was so surprised. The bastard was selling me out! Maybe the passive aggressive comment about he and his brother eating me should've tipped me off sooner.
I gritted my teeth and reached for the hilt of my weapons. I was halfway there when Sans' brother spoke again.
"NO! I don't have time for that!"
I relaxed and suppressed a chuckle. The sap was literally stomping his feet in anger, like a toddler getting his toys taken away.
"What if a human comes through here!?" he continued, his tantrum shattering the dreams of thousands of little snow pellets beneath his steel boots. "I want to be ready! I will be the one! I must be the one! I will capture a human!"
Jeez, I had to give this guy credit, he was certainly...passionate. He could lead a rally for pretty much any cause in pretty much anywhere without the slightest clue what he was actually talking about. I'd cast him as the staring role in a play, but the audiences' heads would probably explode by the end of the first act.
"Then I, The Grrrreat Papyrus..."
Welp, here we go...
"Will get all the things I utterly deserve!" He went on to list the following on his fingers: "Respect...Recognition...Fame...And I will finally be able to join the Royal Guard!"
I sighed in relief as he paused for a brief moment, tricking me into thinking he was actually finished. 'Course not. 'The Great Papyrus' was on a frigging roll apparently.
Striking a heroic pose, he added; "People will ask, to, be my, 'friend.' I will bathe in the shower of kisses every morning!"
Sans glanced my way and winked, noting my half confused, half utterly disgusted look. He knew exactly what he was doing. "Hmm...maybe this lamp will help you."
"Sans! You are not helping! You lazybones!"
Oooooh, I get it. He was playing along with Papyrus' naivety. I actually cracked a smile. Something this entertaining may just be worth freezing to death for.
"All you do is sit and boondoggle!" Papyrus accused. Yeah, I mean, Sans did strike me as quite the boondoggler, so I could let that one slide. "You get lazier and lazier everyday!"
"Hey, take it easy," Sans said, still somehow completely calm. Right, tell him to take it easy, I'm sure that'll work on this raving lunatic. "I've gotten a ton of work done today."
A split-second pause hung in the air. I had a gut feeling something horrible was coming, something all-powerful and Earth-shattering, but I couldn't put my finger on exactly what. Unfortunately, I didn't have to wait long from behind my little hiding place to find out.
" A skele-ton."
In that one moment, it felt as though the entire universe was thinking in perfect unison. And it was heaving out a single breath of complete disappointment and disillusionment. I doubted life could ever be quite the same again after hearing such an abysmal pun, an utter disgrace of language and communication as a whole.
"SANS!"
Yeah, scream on, Papyrus. I'm screaming along with you on the inside.
"Come on. You're smiling," Sans insisted. I'd never wanted to punch someone in the face more than right now.
"I am and I despise it!" I ducked farther behind the lamp as Papyrus whipped his head around, sighing to the side of his head. "Why does someone as great as me have to do so much just to get some recognition..." he trailed off.
Sans perked up again, which could only bring bad things. "Sounds like you're really working yourself..."
Don't you fu-
"...Down to the bone."
Would throwing up give away my position? Hell, did keeping my position hidden from these idiots really matter anymore?
"Ugh! I will attend to my puzzles."
Thank the fricking lord! I wanted to yell.
"As for you and your work..."
Wait...
"Put a little more..."
No...
"Backbone into it!" And then he tramped away back the way he came, laughing maniacally like a mad scientist on coke. "NYEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH!"
The laughter, if you could call it that (I personally would've gone with cancer: the sound,) eventually drifted off. I lumbered out from behind my hiding place, permanently changed for the worse. I'd rather take my chances with the killer sunflower than stick around here any longer.
Sans hobbled over to me, looking terribly pleased with himself. "...So, whaddya think about me and my bro?"
I leaned in until I was inches from his face. As emotionless as humanly possible, I commanded;
"Drink. Bleach."
"Wouldn't that just give me a bleach-bone?"
"...I'm d-done with you."
"I know you're smiling too, on the inside."
I shut him out and turned away, already dreading the thought of running into Papyrus again, but it's not like I had any real alternative aside from freezing to death. Which, all things considered, might not be the worse of the two.
My gaze ended up falling on a nearby shack, run-down and...was that blood staining the wood?
"Can't take your eyes off my 'sentry outpost,' huh?" Sentry outpost? I wondered. Looks more like a glorified lemonade stand to me. "She is quite the beauty."
Outside of the boards peeling off their hinges, rotting wood, and the previously mentioned various...questionable stains, I'd say it was looking pretty good. "R-right," I muttered. "And your b-brother seems like a very respectable p-person."
"He's not bad once you get to know him," Sans assured me, a slight edge to his voice.
Good thing I won't be here long enough for that to happen.
He pointed a lazy finger at the opening in his 'outpost.' "Got an extra hoodie in there if your interested, unless you're having fun with that little dance of yours."
I stole another glance at the shack, looked down the path and at the infinite line of snow drawn before, looked back to the shack, and nodded. "Sounds good, just one thing; Why are you helping me? And don't you dare say I'm your long lost brother."
I expected him to hide or weave his way around the question, but he just shrugged and said; "What, a skeleton can't help a friend out?"
If Sans were as good at dodge ball as he was at dodging questions, we'd have a star player on our hands. You'd either have to be incredibly thick or some kind of masochist to warm up to me that quickly (I'm looking at you, Napstablook), and so far, Sans didn't seem to fit into either category too well. He was hiding something, I had no doubt about it. This time, I wouldn't be so easily fooled.
"I guess so," I lied. I could still turn down the offer, but I didn't need him to know I still didn't trust him. So I high-tailed it over to the shack, plugging my nose as I got closer to block out the awful stench of...three week old ketchup? Disgusting. Not as stomach-churning as blood, but still disgusting.
I spotted the hoodie crumpled and folded over the front, laying next to a couple of toppled mustard and ketchup bottles, thankfully not soaking in a puddle of any of the formerly mentioned condiments. Hesitant, I lifted it carefully, unfortunately having to uncover my sniffer, and examined it for anything that'd me make me throw up if I actually wore it. I spun it around, flipped it upside down, checked the pockets and hood, and turned it inside out and back again before I was finally satisfied. There was nothing but a tiny faded mustard stain on the back, which even I could deal with.
Without any other way to delay, I tossed it over myself with a sigh, surprised by just how quickly it warmed me up. It was a little too short and too big around my waist, but anything was worth not having to sputter every sentence like a dysfunctional sprinkler. Soft, too, and the extra pockets certainly wouldn't hurt.
"It looks great on you," Sans teased, his widened smile confirming that it looked absolutely terrible. Horrified, I realized we were pretty much wearing matching outfits. The sacrifices I had to make for the greater good...of myself.
"Yeah, well, it'll do for now," I whispered coldly, just low enough for him not to hear.
I faced the army of evergreen soldiers...no no, they're just trees, stop freaking yourself out with the sentient flora...faced the completely regular, not-at-all threatening trees, and took my first steps deeper into the fore-
"-Actually, hey...hate to bother ya," Sans pestered. That dude could not take a hint.
"Of course you do," I said, so obnoxiously pleasant it made even me wanna throw-up.
That at least got through to him, because he scratched at the back of his skull anxiously. "Heh, sorry, but I was thinking..."
Before I could get another jab in, Sans decided to bombard me with a barrage of information, talking so fast he must've feared the world was about to explode. "My brother's been kinda down lately. He's never seen a human before, and seeing you might just make his day. You don't have to worry, he's not dangerous or anything...even if he tries to be..."
"Alright, time out," I demanded, doing that weird T-signal referees always felt the need to perform when a team called a time out. (Why did they do that anyways? Could you just blurt 'time out' into a microphone?) "You want me to risk my life entertaining the..." I cut myself off before finishing with 'poor bastard.' "...Jolly old soul? Just to cheer him up?"
Sans shrugged lamely. "Yep, pretty much."
Normally, I would've laughed, spat in his face, and moseyed on down the path with a spring in my step and without another thought. ...Okay, maybe not spit in his face, but the point still stands. He wanted me to waste more time with that annoying psycho he called a brother? That laugh, those freak-outs...that scarf...I don't think I could tolerate it even if I tried. Didn't he mention something about recalibrating puzzles? As if I didn't have to jump through enough hoops already to get out of here.
And yet, for some reason I couldn't explain...maybe Tori had rubbed off on me, and that tiny glimmer of a good person inside of me had turned infectious, or it was that impeccable charm Sans definitely, absolutely, totally, not at all sarcastically had in that smile, because as much as I wanted too, I couldn't say no. Sans was annoying, sure, but compared to his brother - who was in the combination category for sure - he might as well be a life-long friend. Plus he gave me a free hoodie, and I was heading towards Papyrus no matter what I did, so I suppose going a little out of my way and resisting the urge to slap the stupid out of Papyrus' skull wasn't the worst idea in the world. Who knew, Sans could turn out to be valuable for more than just acting as that one creepy uncle who shows up twice a year, gives you a present, and then disappears never to be seen again.
"...Alright, I'll throw the guy a bone." Dammit, now I'm doing it...
Sans' face lit up like a flamethrower. "Thanks a million. I'll be up ahead." With that, he did as he said and went up ahead...or, rather, he sauntered off in the complete wrong direction. Hey, whatever works. This guys probably had shortcuts and secret passage ways out the ass.
NOW, I started down the path free of any other interruptions, a bubbling feeling in my stomach. "I better not regret this..."